3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick Strikes Out

And I'll have 2.
Your bet, Dick.
Oh oh, my word.
I've never seen so many kings.
Well, so, uh how many of these am I gonna bet? Why not all of them? You think he's bluffing? Well, yeah.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've got hot cards.
You should all fold because you're never gonna beat my superior hand.
I--I tell you, I've got kings.
I'm in.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, damn! I fold.
All right.
Tommy, whatcha got? Sorry, won't beat Oh! Read 'em and weep.
I win.
All right, one more hand, then I gotta go.
Where you goin'? Oh, you know how Alissa manages that pretzel place at the mall? She got me a job there.
You're getting paid to hang out with your girlfriend? What a country.
Oh, oh-ho, oh, oh what a terrible hand.
What a sad assortment of mismatched squat.
I'm out.
Me, too.
Oh, damn! Good morning, Mary.
Dick did you see this memo from the new chancellor? He's--he's cut everything.
Tenure, gone.
Women's field hockey, gone.
Look at this, my research budget.
He's cut it to nothing.
All my work.
Oh, Mary, this is awful.
Why would he do this to you? I mean, I could understand Judith or Strudwick, but--But you.
Well, this new chancellor is a horrible man.
He's an idiot.
A real pig.
Hello, everyone.
Chancellor Duncan.
That's a great suit.
You officious ogre! Dick.
Did you all get a chance to look at my little memo? Yes, I'm afraid we have, and quite frankly-- innovative.
I was gonna say groundbreaking.
Good, good, and thank you all for giving the new chancellor a chance.
[Laughs] [All laugh] You know, I didn't notice it at first, but he's a delightful man.
He's a nightmare.
A monster.
Oh, I get it.
Did I leave my briefcase? Oh, there it is, right there.
That's a gorgeous briefcase.
Take that hideous satchel and begone.
Oh, you must be Solomon.
The name is on the door.
Read it on your way out! I just don't understand why we have to make the pretzels.
It says they're homemade.
Yeah, they're homemade right here.
Does Mrs.
Fetzel know about this? Tommy, there is no Mrs.
She was invented by a bunch of marketing guys.
A small part of me has just died.
Pay attention.
is the right amount.
Got that? Mm-hmm.
Maybe if we just go over it again for another hour, or something.
[Clears throat] Hey, buddy.
Do I come to your job and stare at you and your girlfriend? I'd like to, uh, buy a pretzel.
I'm so sorry, sir.
Um, please accept this courtesy of Mrs.
Fetzel's homemade pretzels.
You just gave that perv a free pretzel.
We're allowed to sometimes.
It's called customer relations.
Does Mrs.
Fetzel know about this? Tommy, let her go.
She's gone.
And look at this.
The chancellor has even cut off the free long distance.
So much for my international ideas exchange.
That's just you dialing random numbers and talking to whoever answers.
Just yesterday, I had a brief but fruitful conversation with a dutch lady about it being the middle of the night over there.
And it's worse for Mary.
Her research means everything to her and and to nobody else.
If only there was some way I could help her.
Oh, but faculty is labor, and labor is powerless.
You know, that actually doesn't seem fair.
I mean, labor does all the work.
If the workers didn't show, they'd have Nothin'.
Harry, what you've just said, it's given me a brilliant idea.
This is crazy, but bear with me.
What if the workers didn't show up for work one day? Yes.
Maybe on a Sunday.
No, not on a Sunday.
On a regular workday.
What if these workers said they wouldn't come back until their-- let's call them "demands"-- were met.
You'd have them over a barrel.
The bosses would cave.
Yes! Oh, my god, if I could orchestrate that, I'd be a hero to the faculty, to Mary, even to you.
No, actually, Dick, you wouldn't.
I mean, we wouldn't really care.
That's because I'm already your hero.
[Laughs] That's an order! Ok.
Is everybody here? It's time to take action against the new chancellor.
I'm considering a letter of protest to the daily Badgerian.
I might even use the word obstreperous.
I'll help you, Mary.
I just downloaded some Great.
What we need is action.
We can't be afraid.
Suter? You're afraid you'll lose your new office.
Strudwick, you're afraid you'll lose your precious perks.
Judith, you're afraid you'll die a lonely spinster surrounded by cats.
We're being cautious.
You're being sheep, but at least the noble sheep gives us warm sweaters.
All your hides would provide are coward pants.
And you have a better idea? We hit the chancellor where he lives.
We threaten to resign en masse if we don't get what we want.
You mean a strike? What? No.
No, I'm calling it "the mighty professor tornado of the 21st century.
" A strike.
We'll call it a strike.
Tommy, these pretzels aren't even twisted.
Oh, yeah.
That's my new innovation, pretzel wads.
Ok, but people want shapes.
Since when is wad not a shape? Hey, Tommy.
Cool threads.
What are you guys doing here? Oh, we were down there at the crazy kiln.
You get to decorate your own ceramics and cut out the expensive middleman.
Only 90 bucks.
I had an ashtray.
Dropped it on the escalator.
It was this color.
Hey, you guys want some pretzels? Compliments of Mrs.
Oh, thanks, Tommy.
Did you just give them free pretzels? Yeah.
Customer relations.
You can't do that anytime you want.
They have to pay.
What a wench.
This list of demands is quite extensive, Dr.
Well, you have us up in arms, chancellor.
Casual Friday should be moved to Wednesday? Everyone wanted that one.
You can buckle under anytime now.
You people are serious about this.
Oh, we're deadly serious.
They didn't choose me as their leader because I'm weak.
What you have before you are the resignations of 58 of the finest professors this side of Rutherford junior college.
So, you're really willing to risk your jobs? Yes.
I think you're bluffing.
If I were bluffing, believe me, you'd know it.
I'm not bluffing.
Now back to our demands-- uh, wait a second.
What are you doing? Taking the letters.
You're really gonna do that? Well, you resigned.
W-w-well, sure.
Of course we did.
Well, then, it's settled.
I just hope you can all afford your own health insurance.
We'd lose our health insurance? Well, thank goodness we at least get our paychecks to see us through this lean period.
Get out.
Very well.
You've dug your own grave.
I'll be leaving now.
Y-y-you know something? Now that I--I think of it, uh, mine may have a typo.
I'm just going to, uh he actually accepted our letters of resignation? Sorry.
I did everything I could.
You were right.
The man is a monster.
As long as we're united, there's still hope.
Oh, of course there's hope, Mary.
And just know that if you need a shoulder to lean on, I'll be there.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a class to teach.
[All yelling] It's just not a good time for me to resign right now, what with my birthday coming up and all.
I support your cause 100%.
So where "b" is the coefficient of "z," then "x" would equal what? Strudwick: it's all your fault, Solomon! Well? Well? You can't possibly-- I'm sorry, Mr.
You're going to have-- let me just-- Dr.
Solomon, it's a little hard to concentrate with all the shouting outside.
That shouting, young pitman, is the sound of a grass-roots movement taking hold, and I am the sweet manure that makes it flourish.
Caryn: Dr.
Solomon, it sounds like the other professors kinda-- they hate you.
Don't be silly, Caryn.
They wouldn't even be out there if it weren't for me.
They're chanting my name.
I guess that makes me a kind of a working-class hero.
Who agrees? Thank you, bug.
Actually, I was wondering if we're going the full hour.
All the other classes are cancelled, and I'd like to, uh, you know, do nothing.
Bug, if the students choose to show their solidarity with our cause by staging a walkout, I, for one, would never stand in their way.
Um, Tommy? Mm-Hmm? I didn't want to say anything yesterday, but this is your second hat infraction.
Actually, you did say something yesterday.
Somebody is not wearing their "pretzels are dessert, too" button.
Tommy, why so glum? You want a pretzel? No.
I hate this job.
Can't stand working for her.
Well, whatcha gonna do? Hey, Tommy? Pretzels do not salt themselves.
Oh, man.
You are whipped.
That's it.
I'm tired of being a model employee.
You guys want some pretzels? Take a bag.
Take 6 bags.
Thanks, Tommy.
There's more where that came from.
All right.
Wow, these are way more than we can eat.
What are we gonna do with 'em? I know.
We could eat them.
But we could sell them.
Brilliant! Now all we have to do is find a good place for our store.
Location, location, location.
How about here? That's good.
All right.
What are you doing here? Why, it's our movie night, Mary.
Why aren't you dressed? Oh, I know.
You want to stay home and watch one of those scrambled ones.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
I'm surprised you had the nerve to show up here.
Why are you so cranky? You've had the whole day off.
I wouldn't be caught dead going out with a scab.
Well, can't you just put a band-aid over it? Dick, don't you get it? Well, of course I get it.
No, I don't get it.
You left the faculty twisting in the wind.
You betrayed us, Dick, but worst of all, you betrayed me.
I--I didn't mean to.
I--I was trying to help you.
Well, nice try.
Mary, can't we just leave this whole strike business at the office? I don't have an office anymore.
[Glass breaks] Oh, that's not gonna help.
Hey, Dick.
What are you doin' up? Oh, I can't sleep.
I went into this whole strike thing to protect Mary, and instead, I've ruined everything.
Why couldn't I have had the courage of my convictions? I know.
You have your convictions, you'd think you'd get at least half-Credit.
Not on this crazy planet.
I know.
Tell me about it.
I thought that--that working with Alissa would mean I'd get a chance to make out with her in the dough room.
Well, until Mary and I are working together again, things are never gonna be right.
Well, I can't work with Alissa anymore.
You know what we should do? We should switch girlfriends.
But what's plan "b"? I'm gonna march right into chancellor Duncan's office and do what I should have done in the first place.
I'm gonna resign.
Yeah, yeah, and I'll march right up to Alissa and turn in my pretzel hat.
What's Mrs.
Fetzel going to say? Oh, Dick.
I think you better sit down.
What brings you here? Chancellor Duncan, after an exhaustive, and unexpectedly lengthy spell check, I tender you my resignation.
Well, that's very noble of you, Dick.
Well, that's what I was going for.
But it's not going to do you any good.
You can't win, Dick.
You have nothing.
I hold all the cards.
Cards? Yes.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to present these letters to the board of trustees.
Oh, of course, the board.
They were certainly right about you.
You are a real operator.
You know people on the board? No.
I have no friends on the board.
You don't know anything.
You're right.
I know nothing.
You have no reason to worry about losing your job over this debacle.
I don't know why I did that.
I'm not quoting anyone.
What are you doing with those? I'm thinking of giving them back to you.
What do you think of that, Dr.
Solomon? I think that would be a huge mistake, chancellor.
Would it? Yes.
Accepting them was your greatest triumph.
You'd like to see me fired, wouldn't you? No, and believe me, I have no designs on your position.
Oh, I'm sorry, Solomon, but I can read you like a book.
You lose.
I'm rehiring the faculty.
Now take your letters and get out of my office.
Well, it looks like you've outsmarted me once again.
[Laughs] I mean, damn! Here you go, and thank you for coming to the great American pretzel wagon.
I love your pretzels.
They're much better than the ones at Mrs.
They do what they do.
We do what we do.
Here's a cup for your soda.
You can go fill up over at Mrs.
Here, see? Folks, I don't know what you think you're doing, but I'm stopping you now.
I'll take this.
Oh, I see how this works.
You can't compete with us, so you're trying to shut us down.
We come up with a better way of selling pretzels, and you call in the goons.
The American dream? Not in this mall.
Big, fat Mrs.
Fetzel's stomping all over the little guy.
You stole all our pretzels! Ah-ah.
We sold all your pretzels.
Alissa? There's something that you need to know.
Yeah, you, too.
You're fired.
No, you--you can't fire me.
I was about to quit.
I'm sorry, Tommy.
Clean out your cubby.
Well, then.
So, I'll see you tonight? Pick me up? Ok.
You know, even though we didn't get any of our benefits back, it's good to be working again.
That's right.
Dick, without your cowardice and courage, we wouldn't be right back where we started.
Thank you, Strudwick.
I'll take that as a compliment.
I meant it as an insult.
Too late.
It's a compliment.
By the way, chancellor Duncan got a new haircut.
Really? Let's go tell him how great it looks.
I have dibs on the bangs.
Mary, I-- I wish you could have seen me in there with the chancellor.
You would have been so turned on by my heroism.
I know I was.
I've got to admit, I--I am impressed.
I have that man eating out of my hand.
Anything you want from him, I can get it for you.
The fire exit has been nailed shut for the past 2 years.
Now, Mary, we don't want to seem greedy.
There's no need to bring that up until there's an actual fire.
You know, I think I've done some real good here bringing management and labor together.
Maybe I should go from planet to planet solving labor problems all over the universe and then riding off into the sunset on my motorcycle.
You know, Dick, it seems to me that we've got some labor problems here ourselves.
That's true.
No health plan.
No benefits.
We haven't had a raise in years.
Yeah, maybe we should go on strike against you.
Unfair! Unfair! Unfair! I'm sorry.
There is simply no room in the budget for raises.
[All groan] Ah, but I can go you one better.
Sally, you are now the senior security officer.
That'll look good on the old resume.
Tommy, I am making you senior information officer.
About freaking time.
What about me, Dick? Oh, Harry.
You're um, you're Harry, you're now Harold.
Champagne for everyone! Do I hear a thank you?