3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick Solomon's Day Off

You've got to get a laser pointer, Mary.
Look, it's on the globe.
You can refer to things on the board without ever leaving your desk.
I bet you could drive cats crazy, too.
I wouldn't know.
But squirrels hate the crap out of 'em! What's so funny? Vincent was just showing me his laser pointer.
Oh, big deal.
Anybody can be funny with a laser pointer.
Now cut that out! You're an idiot, Dick.
Good-bye, Mary.
Good-bye.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, see you later, carrot top! Why do you hate him so much? Because he's an arrogant, loudmouthed, self-absorbed know-It-all.
Dick, that's you.
You didn't let me finish: with a beard.
If you were thinking I don't like him because the two of you had a fling years ago, you're wrong.
Because it didn't even occur to me.
So, you're wrong.
Ok.
You know, I'm not feeling too great.
If it's Ok with you, I'm gonna go home and get into bed.
Oh, of course it's Ok with me.
And if you don't feel well tomorrow, don't bother coming in.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! She can't stay home tomorrow.
It's a workday.
I want you to feel better, Nina, but coffee doesn't just magically float into my cup.
I'll leave some coffee in the machine.
No, no, no-- I don't drink day-old coffee.
Yes, you do.
Hey, you guys, look at this.
Don left his little radio here last night.
Oh, cool.
be on the lookout for a bad guy named Adam, who's 12.
This isn't a walkie-talkie.
It's a scanner.
It picks up radio frequencies from police cars and fire trucks.
Don is so careless with his police equipment.
Yeah.
Did he ever find his gun? Not yet.
The one in his holster's from a G.
I.
Joe set.
[Static] Woman: this morning was great, Steve.
Hey, check this out.
We picked up somebody's cell phone.
I can't wait to see you tonight.
Yeah, you know, um, about that, Andrea-- I have to work late.
But that's the third time this week.
Look, you know, uh, something came up.
I'll call you later.
I bet I know what came up.
Some floozy at a cheap bar by the airport.
She seems so nice.
You think he'd really do that to her? Of course he would.
He's a guy.
Guys are such jerks.
Yeah, we make me sick.
God, it's a beautiful day.
The sun is shining.
The air is crisp.
Damn, I wish I were sick.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Actually, I don't.
Well, when you have a job and you're sick, you get something called a sick day, which means you get the whole day off.
But if you're sick, you have to stay in bed.
Yeah, unless you said you were sick when you really weren't.
Yeah, I mean, how would they know? They wouldn't.
Dick: you're right, they really wouldn't.
Well, I'll see you.
Bye.
Wait a second.
What's the matter? What if I were to call in sick? But you're not.
I know.
You've gone mad.
But it would be so easy.
Dick, if it were so easy, don't you think somebody would have tried it already? Look, someone had to be the first person to turn a corncob into a pipe.
Taking a sick day when you're not really sick? Sounds like a crime to me.
It's not a crime.
It's the crime of the century.
That's brilliant! Turning a corncob into a pipe! Are you sure, Sally? 'Cause I could have sworn I left it here.
What did you say it was again? A radio station? A radio scanner.
Is that like a cat scanner? No, I think if there was a cat scan machine in here, we'd know about it.
Just keep your eyes open.
Let me know if you find it.
Sally: Ok, we will, Don.
And I hope you find your cat.
Yeah.
Bye, Don.
Hope we didn't miss anything.
Steve: what are you accusing me of, Andrea? Yes! It's on! Andrea: I am done with your lies, Steve.
Lies? What lies? He is so busted! Why weren't you at your desk last night? Because the system was down.
By "system," he means pants.
This guy's classic.
Yeah, she's too good for him.
He needs a good ass-kissing.
Kicking.
Yes, kicking.
Hey, guys! You would not believe my day! Shhh! Yup, got a facial, went to the aquarium, taunted the walrus, then spent 4 hours at the arcade, where I won this! Shh! Andrea: that's it, Steve.
We're through! Steve: what?! I put all your stuff in a box, and I'm going to Frankie's right now to pick up my dry cleaning.
You'll even have your stupid sweater back! Good-bye! Hey, wait a minute.
Isn't Frankie's our dry cleaner? Let's go! Let's go! Wait, wait, wait! We don't have any dry cleaning.
Let's go! Let's go! Wait up--hey, wait! Mary: Dick? Oh, hi, honey.
I brought you some soup.
I don't need any soup, Mary.
I'm not sick.
Then why'd you stay home? I had a horrible case of the fun-zies.
Ah-choo! What's that? I won it at the arcade.
The arcade? You faked a sick day? You're not gonna tell anyone, are you? Tell anyone? Why didn't you call me? I would have come! You would have? Then let's do it tomorrow! Ooh, tomorrow oh, come on, Mary.
It'll be fun.
Oh, I know it would be fun.
You know, I think I might be coming down with a little something.
Well, then get the hell away from me! You're gonna ruin my day off! So how do we know which one is Andrea? We've heard her speak.
Now we just listen very carefully for her voice.
Frankie: there you go, Andrea.
Well, it's not Frankie.
So, that's Andrea.
Wow, she's so beautiful.
She sounded heavier to me.
Well, you know, they say the scanner adds, like, 8 pounds.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
You can't go up and just talk to her.
She's, like, famous.
Come on, she looks so sad and lonely.
I'm just gonna say something to her.
Harry, don't.
Don't.
I-- hello.
Hi.
I had a little ice-Cream situation.
You think Frankie can handle it? Oh.
I guess.
Yeah, he's the best.
You know, he once got a peanut butter stain out of my cummerbund.
That was a cheap wedding.
Wow, you look so pretty when you laugh.
I mean, so do I.
I can't believe Harry is talking to the Andrea.
I can't believe Frankie had his picture taken with Englebert humperdinck.
Dick: we won, Mary! We won! Did you see how I dusted that number-8 car on the last turn? Did you have to throw soda in his face? This is go-carting, Mary.
You're either in it to win, or you're not.
Man: I'd like a word with you, 30 car.
Don't you know the rules? That was bush-league! Strudwick! Dick! How come you're not at school? I--I am, I-I'm teaching the physics of go-carting.
Nicely done, class.
What are you doing here? Me? Well I'm dying, Dick.
I made a wish, and this is it.
Dying? Oh, come on, Vincent, you could do better than that.
Oh, you're here, too.
Well, if you must know, I called in sick.
You cheat! You phony, lying fraud! Let's rat him out to the chancellor, Mary.
You can't rat me out without ratting yourself out, Dick.
How dumb are you? Not dumb enough to have a root beer beard! Would the two of you just shut up? Now, we're all guilty of the same thing, so quit acting like babies, and let's go get some lunch.
We're not babies.
He's hitting me! [That thing you do by the wonders begins] You doin' that thing you do you never even knew about the heartache I've been going through well, I try and try to forget you, girl but it's just so hard to do every time you do that thing you do I don't ask a lot, girl but I know one thing's for sure it's the love I haven't got, girl and I just can't take it anymore waah wow, I've never seen a hot-air balloon up so close before.
It is rather beautiful.
I wonder what it would feel like to be so free, flying in the clouds.
That's the beauty of a bird like a parrot.
It can tell you how it feels to your face.
You know, they have champagne flights.
They leave every morning out of hubris field.
Oh, I'd love to do that someday.
Let's do it tomorrow.
The three of us.
We all still have sick days left.
I'm in! Vinnie? Absolutely, Dickie.
I just wish we had some binoculars.
I have binoculars.
They're at the office.
I'll zip by at the crack of dawn, and we'll rendezvous at the launch.
That would be wonderful.
I'll bring the sandwiches.
Do you like pimento loaf? Perfect! Fried chicken it is! Hey, guys, is anything going on? Yeah, Andrea just told her mother that she met this great new guy, and she's calling him right now.
Cool.
[Telephone rings on scanner] [Telephone rings] [Ring] [Ring] Well, should I answer it? No, just let it ring.
Come on, pick it up, pick it up! [Ring] [Ring] Why do people always call when something good is on? It's just, like, rude, is what it is.
[Ring] [Ring] Just pick it up! Gosh, I can't take this.
I can't concentrate.
I'm gonna go answer it, Ok? [Ring] The tension is killing me.
Pick up the phone, already! Harry on scanner: hello? Andrea: hi.
Harry, this is Andrea.
I got your number from Frankie, our dry cleaner.
I can't talk right now.
My program is on.
Harry, Harry, it's Andrea! I know.
I'm trying to get off the phone.
No, it's Andrea on the phone! You're the new guy! Aah! What should I do? Just talk to her.
Can I get some privacy? Sure, man.
Sorry.
You take your time.
Harry on scanner: well, hello, Andrea.
I like the new guy.
He's good.
Where are those binoculars? Ah! There they are! Vinnie's gonna love these! Ah! Chancellor.
Dick? Wh-wh-what are you doing here so early? I saw the light on.
Early bird gets the worm, huh? I don't know.
You'd have to ask someone from the ornithology department.
I'm physics.
Those are nice-Looking binoculars.
May I? Why not? I won't be needing them.
[Telephone rings] Hello? Oh, hi, Vince.
Yeah, I got them.
The chancellor's holding them right now.
They're light but powerful.
Must be pricey.
So we're just going to have to do it another day.
What do you mean you just lifted her into the basket? Are you still going? Just the two of you, alone? Was that a champagne cork? Hello? Hello? That rat! And to think I pedaled his bony ass around for miles! I knew it! What? Dean fleeger's stealing toilet paper.
That's why he got a minivan.
Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair? Me here at last on the ground, you in midair.
Andrea on scanner: so then my mom said, "that's a terrible name for a parakeet.
" But to me, he just looks like a Phillip.
Harry on scanner: ha ha ha ha! Well, you tell Phillip that I'll see him tomorrow.
I will.
And, Harry, I really enjoy talking to you.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
This show has really gone downhill since Harry was introduced.
Yeah.
They need conflict.
Where's the conflict? You know, it's gotten so boring, I'm actually thinking about reading a book.
What?! Hey, you guys, guess what? I've got a lunch date with her tomorrow.
We know.
We know.
Say, Harry, you know what would make that lunch date really interesting? Show up stinking of booze.
Yes! I can practically hear her crying to her girlfriend.
Now, that's entertainment! Uh-Huh.
No, I don't play those games.
I'm gonna treat her right.
Hey, what about us? We're your audience! You selfish bastard! Aah! Just take the money! Dick, what are you doing here? Whisking you away for a glorious sick day.
It's gonna be great.
No Strudwick to ruin it.
Oh, and I found a place that rents rickshaws.
You, my lady, had better put on your running shoes.
Dick, I can't take a sick day.
I've got the faculty seminar, followed by the chancellor's crab-Leg lunch.
But I've already called in sick.
I went with Asiatic flu.
Very infectious.
Left untreated, it could kill me.
You can't just keep taking sick days.
Wait a minute.
Is Strudwick gonna be at this lunch? Well, the last time I talked to him, he said he would be.
Spare me your pillow talk, Mary.
I'm going to that lunch, too.
You can't! You're pretending to be sick, remember? I'm going anyway.
Oh--I'm sorry, Dick.
I've got to go.
You're gonna lose me, Mary! A good-looking man alone in the streets with an empty rickshaw-- you're gonna lose me! I've lost her.
So, at first, we thought that there were just 5 puppies, but it turns out that there were-- now get this-- Riveting.
You should have seen Harry holding them.
He was so sweet.
Yeah, not like that jerk Steve.
Steve? Yeah, you know, your cheating ex-boyfriend.
I never told you about Steve.
How do you know about him? Ahh, it just got good again.
Shh, let's listen.
Andrea, my relationship with you is based on the truth, and I've decided that I will never lie to you.
Lie about what, Harry? Oh, my god, he's gonna tell her.
Oh, no, I gotta go to the bathroom! Can we pause it? No.
It's live.
During the past few days, we've been listening to your phone conversations over this scanner.
Oooh.
Oooh.
You've been listening to my private conversations? We know about Steve and your time with the moonies.
Oh, my god! I feel so violated! Don't be! We're big fans! We love what you do.
Hey, guys, what's going on? Oh, officer, thank god.
These weirdos have been listening to my private conversations on this scanner.
Hey, my scanner! Thanks, guys.
Oh, my god, you're all in on this together.
You people are freaks! Freaks! Bravo! Yes! [Both cheering] Yes! Yes, you as well, my friend! [Tapping knife against glass] Excuse me.
Before you all go back to your classes, I just want to say one thing: the centerpieces are not take-homes.
Chancellor.
Good afternoon, everyone.
I'm sorry I'm late.
A mere 2 hours ago, I was on my deathbed, but then I realized that Pendelton comes first.
That's why I'm revoking my sick day to be here with you.
Hey, Dickie, I thought you were out sick.
Well, I'm here now, so get out of my seat.
I'm not budging.
Just sit down, Dick, sit down! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, what's all the commotion? I'll tell you what the commotion is.
This bearded snake took a sick day off without even being sick and spent the day ballooning over Rutherford with my girlfriend and my fried chicken! Go home! Your fever is making you say crazy things.
You're not even supposed to be here! You have Asiatic flu, remember? Asiatic flu? That's highly contagious! He should stay home for a week.
Oh, you'd just love to have me out of the way, wouldn't you? Dick, the entire faculty's in this room.
I want you to go home immediately.
Bye-bye, Dick.
Feel better.
Fine! But if I'm going home, Strudwick, you're going home, too.
What? I'm not sick.
Oh, no? Say hello to the Asiatic flu! What is wrong with you?! Are you insane?! Why the hell did you do that?! You're not sick! Yes, I am.
Oh, my god! No, I'm not! Then why--oh! Why did I use my tongue? Too bad things didn't work out with you and Andrea.
Women.
They say they want honesty in a relationship, but they don't want to know when you've been eavesdropping on them.
They want it both ways.
Yeah, we make me sick.
Well, I wasn't real honest about being sick and everything, but it all turned out pretty well for me.
You said that the chancellor took away all your sick days.
Yeah, but he gave me And they're mandatory.
days? What are you gonna do? Well, I'm required to see a doctor in the morning, but in the afternoon, I'm gonna go back to the go-cart track.
I'm gonna try to jump the hay bales and take that baby out onto the open road.