3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - The Big Giant Head Returns Again (1)

Hey, Tommy, how was school? Terrible.
I got hauled into the principal's office because of my grades.
Oh, what'd he do to you? He made me valedictorian.
Apparently, I have the best grades in the school, damn it.
But you barely ever go to class.
I know.
That's how stupid everyone else is.
Damn it! That was awesome! It was so great.
Oh, thanks for letting me come with you, Janice.
Anytime, Sally.
It is so cool to finally have another woman around to do girl things with.
Why, where were you guys? Chasin' hobos out of the freight yard.
Hi, Harry.
Hello, Janice.
Last time I saw you, I was kissin' you good-Bye after a long night of kissin' you hello.
So, why haven't you called? Well, at first I was playin' hard-to-get.
But now I'm playin' paralyzed by insecurity.
That's too bad.
Well, it was nice seeing you all.
Nice seeing you, too, Janice.
My god, that's the biggest cop I've ever seen.
You two know each other? Dick, of course they do.
Harry, what's the matter with you? Don't you want her? Oh, yeah, so bad.
Well, then go get her! Oh, well, come on, that's easy for you to say.
I mean--agggghhhh! Incoming message from the big giant head.
The big giant head and his queen will be arriving shortly for their first appearance on earth as husband and wife.
Oh, my god, they're coming today!? Ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together for Mr.
And Mrs big giant head! Everybody, please join the couple out on the dance floor.
Sunrise, sunset sunrise, sunset swiftly flow the days [Laughing] Oh, it is so great to be back.
You know, we would've brought the baby, but space travel is really hard when you're teething.
He's with the nanny.
Nice robot.
I, um, I would like to propose a toast.
May you two lovebirds be happily married for all eternity.
Thank you, Dick.
But come on, I'm married.
Eternity's the last thing I want.
Hey, hey, hey, stone.
When is he gonna stop? Breathing.
Vicki, how's space? Well, when I first saw where I was living, let's just say, thank god in space no one can hear you scream.
She really classed things up.
She redid the death chamber in orange shag carpet.
Please! I mean, it was so drab, I wanted to die.
You guys are really cute together.
Dick, where can we have a private conversation? How about right here in front of everyone? Join me in the kitchen.
Does anyone here do a good impression of me? No, but I do an awesome Bette midler.
So, uhuh what brings you back to earth, sir? An extended honeymoon? The honeymoon is over.
Then why are you here? Start saving these box tops.
I want this boomerang.
Yes, sir.
Sit down.
How are you? Wha--you're asking how I am? Sir, how do you think I should be? I think you should be very proud of yourself.
I'm proud of you.
Have I ever told you that? Uh, no.
You have threatened to kill me, though.
Well, that was a mistake.
I'm sorry.
I'd like to make up for that.
I'd like to get to know you better.
Get to know me, sir? Yes.
Everything about you.
Things you wouldn't dream of telling that frosty little bimbo of yours.
Dick, tonight you're taking me out for drinks.
Tonight? I--I would love to accompany you, sir, but I have a date with that frosty little bimbo.
Well, perhaps frosty could come with us.
You and me.
Are you going to kill me? Oh, don't be silly.
You're my designated driver.
Come on, push it, Donnie.
Come on.
Not a problem.
You got 3 more? I got 10 more.
[Grunting] Hello, Janice.
Uhhh! Oh, I've been thinking about you.
And I you.
Help! I'm here to ask you out on a proper date.
That is so romantic.
Cracked ribs! So is that a yes? I can't breathe! Yes, of course.
I'm comin', grandma! Dick, we're gonna be late for-- [Moaning] Oh, my god, Dick, what's wrong with you? I'm burning up, Mary.
I can't hold anything down.
I was throwing up all night.
I don't think I can go out.
Oh, well, in that case, I'll stay home and take care of you.
No, Mary, go! Save yourself before you get whatever I-- Dick, let's hit the town.
Stone Phillips! What's he doing here? He-he's here to take me to the hospital.
The hospital? What a great name for a jazz club.
Club? You're not really sick, are you? How can you be so insensitive? Quick, Mary, the cat's on fire.
Put it out! Put it out! Let's go! Let's go! [Cough cough cough] Tommy, I really don't think this is an acceptable valedictory speech.
It's fine.
Ooh, let us hear it.
You want to hear it? Yeah.
All right.
"Fellow classmates, long live rock.
" You know, you had me and then you lost me.
But then you had me again.
Tommy, you should just write what you feel.
I don't know what I feel.
What do you feel? Well I feel like this is a new beginning it's time to say good-Bye to old friends, make new ones.
It's the end of an era, and no matter how close we've become, it's time to move on.
Man, that's harsh.
Sorry, but whether we like it or not, this chapter of our lives is over.
I gotta go.
See you later.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go read some Churchill for inspiration.
Oh, really? Nah.
I'm gonna go get some fries.
Did you hear what Alissa just said? Oh, well, you mean about Sayin' good-bye and movin' on and meetin' other people? Harry, she's gonna dump his ass.
Oh, my god! And right before graduation? Poor Tommy.
The kid doesn't even see it comin'.
Oh, god, and there's Nothin' we can do.
We're powerless against Alissa.
No, we're not.
We're not? Look, she's just an evil little teenager.
And I am an intergalactic force for good.
Long live rock! [Jazz music playing] You're a good-lookin' man, you know that? And you're big.
You're big.
How'd you get so big? I--I--I--I--I-- and I like you.
We're havin' a good time, aren't we? You light up the room.
Thank you, sir.
So do you.
Thank you.
You're tense.
Don't be so tense.
I'm tense, too.
My marriage is a charade.
I'm so lonely.
Sir, what are your intentions? I just want to know what you think of me.
Your record speaks for itself, sir.
The universe has never been cleaner.
Not my job.
Me, the man.
I think you're swell, sir.
He thinks I'm swell! Well, thank you, sparky.
Let's have some fun.
Fun? I'm gonna talk to the bandleader.
Bandleader! Mrs.
Dubcek: hey, hey, hey, hey.
Sorry about that last song.
My Mic crapped out.
It didn't crap out.
I unplugged it.
Hit it! [Music plays] Somewhere there's music how faint the tune somewhere there's heaven how high the moon hey, Dick, come on up here.
No, I-- hey, hit that man with the spotlight.
Come on up here, Dickie.
Come on, boy.
Come on up here.
That you love me as I love you [Scat singing] [Scat singing] [Both scat singing] How high the moon yeah! Yeah! Let's hear it for sparky! Hey, Harry.
Ooh, hey, Vicki.
I can't sleep.
You know what works for me? Goin' to bed.
So, how do you like bein' queen, Vicki? Ah, well, you know, it's got its perks.
I get a lot of presents.
Like this hair curler thing.
Here, see? Wow.
It adds a lot of bounce to my hair.
And then it also demolecularizes any poor bastard who tries to cross me.
Good reason to tip your hairdresser.
Of course, you know, bein' queen does have its downside.
I mean stone and I have not had intimate relations in quite some time now.
You mean, because up there you're just a purple tube? Well, that's his excuse.
You know, I--I just-- I miss intimacy, Harry.
I--I miss fondling.
I--I misssex! Ohh! So, how's this thing work? No, no, no, no.
No, no.
Baby, don't play with fire.
Hey, you know what? I just saved your life.
[Giggles] I wonder if you can think of a way to say "thank you.
" Umyes.
Thank you.
Hey, Alissa.
Oh, hi, Sally.
You got a couple minutes? Um, well, I was about to go to English class.
This'll just take a second.
Listen, Tommy's breakin' up with you.
What? Well, you said it yourself.
It's the end of an era.
Time to meet other people.
Oh, no, that's just what I was-- oh, yeah, what you were feeling.
I know, it's cool, fine.
Open a new chapter.
But just remember this.
The last chapter ended with Tommy breaking up with you.
Why isn't he telling me this himself? Alissa, it's time to move on.
Move on to English! Move.
All right.
When light hits the surface of water, how can we determine the angle at which it enters the water? That depends on the angle of incidence.
No, you clod.
You're right.
It does depend on the angle of incidence.
You've been listening.
Yeah, that determines the angle of refraction.
You said "refraction!" My god, you're getting this.
Please, stay with me here.
Oh, Dick, there you are.
Stone, I'm so glad you're here.
For the first time ever I'm getting through to them.
They're actually learning! That's great.
Class dismissed.
Are we allowed to leave? I don't know.
I kind of trust that guy.
Wh-what did you do that for? Do you know how difficult it is to be king of the universe? I imagine it's kind of a hassle.
Now everybody says, "look at that big wheel with his trophy wife.
I'd like to be like him.
" Well, let me tell you something.
This big wheel's life is a wreck.
It's a tragic comedy.
It's a farce! Yeah, well, it's all good.
There's only one thing in my life that means anything at all.
You! So where should I take Janice on our date? Well, it depends.
You want to go to a movie, you want to go out to dinner? Well, I want to get jiggy with it.
But on a budget.
Why don't you take Janice where I took Sally on our first date? Yeah, the seafood hut.
It was great.
We had a bucket of steamers, a couple of cold beers.
Yeah, and at the end of the night, both of us had crabs.
That didn't sound exactly right, Sally.
Don, we had crabs, and you know it.
I gotta go.
There's a car stolen every 15 minutes, and the guy who's doin' it has to be stopped.
Have fun.
Hey! Have you guys seen the big giant head? Oh, why, are you lookin' for him? Big giant head! Big giant head! No, no, shh! It's Ok.
I don't mind.
Big giant head! Will you shut up?! I don't want to see him.
I don't want to be anywhere near him.
What's the matter, Dick? I thought you guys were, like, best friends.
No, he's become this clingy, needy, sobbing mess.
I want to go back to what we used to have, when I was his suck-Ass lackey living in perpetual fear.
Yeah, those were the days.
Who wants to go back to the jazz club and is named Dick? Dick does! Come on, Dick, let's go.
This is so nice.
Mmm, well, you spend so much time in here workin' out, I figured you might want to know what it's like to eat in here, too.
You're a special guy, Harry.
And you smell like sweat, Janice.
That's probably the gym.
Don't try and play it down.
You know, in every gym, there's always You got the big, strapping man with the weight belt, and the scrawny little guy who can't get his quarter out of the juice machine.
I prefer the scrawny guy.
Well, that's too bad.
I guess I'll be goin', then.
Harry you're the scrawny guy.
Oh--ohh! Will you be my boyfriend? Your boyfriend? Wellum if I say no, will you hurt me? Well maybe.
Well, in that case, no.
Ooh! [Purrs] [Scat singing] [Monotone] Yabba yabba yabba [Scatting] Yabba yabba yabba yabba yabba how high the moon [Sparse applause] Tough crowd.
[Bell rings] Where's your, uh, aunt Sally, Solomon? Ha ha! S-Sally? How'd you open your locker without your aunt Sally helpin' you? Well, I know the combination.
Why are you carryi'' your own books? Yeah, don't you need your aunt Sally to carry 'em for ya? Phh.
What are you people talking about? Hey, Alissa, do you know why everyone's talking about Sally? That's for you! And that's for Sally! I-- you didn't answer my question.
Bye, Janice.
No, you hang up first.
No, you hang up first.
No, you hang--hello? Ohhh.
She hung up.
All right, Harry.
I've tried to be subtle, I've tried to be seductive, and I've tried to be incredibly obvious.
About what? I want you, baby.
I want you now! No! Wa--wait! Stop, now! Oh, I'll stop.
I'll stop when we're finished, baby.
[Kissing] Vicki, I got a girlfriend.
What? WellHarry, you don't--you don't like her as much as you like me, do you? Oh, no.
The queen ispissed.
Is this shirt slutty good or slutty bad? Hey, girl! Vicki, hi! You two know each other? Yeah! Harry and Vicki used to sleep together! And Janice is Harry's new girlfriend.
How you doin'? Hi.
Wow! Two women who both slept with Harry bumpin' into each other at the discount rack! How cool is that? Huh? Man, it's cool! See you, Vicki.
Bye, Vicki.
No, good-bye to you, Jan-isssssss! [Cat yowls] I made it very clear to stone you are my highest priority.
So he's not going to be here tonight? No.
I've cleverly disguised a pillow in my house as me.
He's probably talking to it as we speak.
What is going on between the two of you? Why do you have to disguise a pillow if you don't want to have dinner with him? I know it's sick.
Oh, it's really sick.
Dick! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, Dick! I walked into your bedroom.
I thought you'd stopped breathing.
I wore myself out trying to revive you.
And then I took a nap on you.
Then I awoke completely refreshed and ready for our evening.
Oh, say, I'll have what he's having.
Send hers back.
It looks awful.
I'm going to the rest room.
I'm going to stand on the toilet and jump out the window.
What's with her? All right, that's it.
I may be a whale of a friend, but that doesn't entitle you to stick to me like a pathetic barnacle.
I don't care about the problems you're having with your wife, your existential crises, or your inexplicable desire to befriend me.
Zap me to oblivion if you want, but so help me, I will never sing another jazz standard with you! Dick, stop! No, you stop! Why are you following me? Why are you so fascinated by me? Why do you have to get so close? How dare you talk to me like that? Why, because you're the big giant head? No! Because I am your father.