3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Les Liaisons Dickgereuses

There.
Right there.
That's where they're putting it.
Unbelievable! I know.
How dare they attach the new wing of the museum onto the rest of the museum.
It's gonna block my view.
It is literally going to cast a shadow on my office.
Yeah, as opposed to figuratively casting a shadow? Yes, jerk.
As opposed to figuratively.
No, I don't think you see what I'm saying.
You see, the shadow is of course literal, unless-- Unless it was donated by my sister, Renata Albright.
Your sister? Literally? You never told me you had a sister.
Well, I don't like to talk about her, only because it reminds me of her.
The minute she was born, my life changed.
She was showered with attention.
She was given everything.
She was supported endlessly, and I had to stand by and rinse out her things.
Wow.
So you're the good sister? Doesn't the firstborn kind of pave the way? I'm sure she's grateful.
Grateful? She's the smart sister, the successful sister, the pretty sister.
And every second she has, she crams it down my throat.
She is evil.
Mary-berry.
Speak of the devil-- literally! Kir royale for me.
Yeah, me, too.
Oh, Mary, would you like a carafe of anything? I drank at home, thank you.
So have you married again, or do you not want to discuss business? Oh, now, now, Mary.
I traveled all this way to help your little school's art room.
Why can't you just say thank you? Because it was an act of hostility designed to humiliate me.
And to showcase Holland's premier architect, Flim Vandercoose.
You are so affected.
Cultured.
Pretentious.
Worldly.
Face-lifted.
I hate you! I love me! Uh, we're gonna regroup and come back with a real zinger.
Well, well, well.
Aren't you the loyal boyfriend? Hmm.
I guess that's something Mary has that I don't.
Oh, I'm loyal.
Fiercely loyal.
And quite cute.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, lady! Lady! You're paying for this whole thing? Man, you must make a butt-load of money at your job.
If you can afford a whole new museum, what kind of job is that, I wonder? I'm a philanthropist.
I give to worthy causes.
Okay, I don't have this all fleshed out, but here are the bullet points.
Childrenherbal ecstasy and motor vehicles.
Excuse me.
We'll think of something.
Oh, Dick's gonna be so impressed.
Dick? Dick Solomon? Yeah, he's our brother.
You know, I would like to help you.
What about a teen center? We love working with teens.
It's practically our life! Yes.
I'll give you $10,000.
Make it 10.
She just made it 10.
I knew she'd cave under the pressure.
Oh, I don't know why I even bother! It's too late.
The damage has been done.
My parents gave all the sunblock to Renata.
I hate what the sun and Renata have done to you.
They've taken away all your self-esteem.
Oh, not just my self-esteem.
Everything I have Renata wants and eventually gets.
And guess who's the shiny new bauble she's got her eyes on now? Me.
What? She touched my bum.
[gasps] I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to do except giggle.
It's pathological with her.
She has more than I ever will, and now she wants what little I have.
Well, she's not going to get it, not this time.
She'll get it, all right.
What do you mean? It's brilliant, Mary.
We'll turn her advances into our advantage.
We'll stage a row in front of her and pretend to be on the outs.
What? I'll seek out her comfort, woo her, win her.
And then, when the time is right, I will break her heart.
[gasps] No! Yes.
We'll pay her back for all the pain she's inflicted on you.
And there won't be money enough in all the world to mend her.
Oh, Dick, I'm appalled.
Your plan is ridiculous.
It's risky.
It's--it's horrible.
It's positively French.
Do it! Well, it took a lot of work, but we sure turned that dive into a great place for the kids.
Yeah.
We're gonna be late.
Come on.
Let's get on over to the teen center.
Right on.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Those kids sure are lucky to have a place like this to hang out for an hour a day, huh? Yeah.
Well, it's all about the kids.
Oh, yeah.
You know, Harry, I cry for those kids and their lousy role models.
Yeah.
Hey, you know what? We should put a wet bar right here so the kids can see adults drinking responsibly at work.
That's a good idea.
I think this is the place.
Uh, hi.
Is this the Renata Albright Teen Center? Huh? Oh! Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Sure.
Come on in! Come on in! Yeah.
Hey, this is the place where you can just hang out and be yourselves.
First lesson, sweetie.
Um, you see that expensive leather couch? Well, that's your brain.
And you see your butt on that couch? That's your brain on drugs.
So get the hell off my couch.
Ahem.
No, Mary, I do not think this sculpture is clunky and reductionist! Well, it is! Everything looks like an umbrella rack to you! You need to develop your eye! Dick, I cannot-- Cannot or will not? I love art, Mary.
Art touches me.
[Dick] But maybe you shouldn't anymore.
No objection here! Right back at you, you frigid frump! Have a nice day! You, too! Oh, and Mary? Oh! [whispering] Nice touch.
Hey.
What was that? Ahem.
Is everythingokay? No.
Wanna talk about it? Really? You wouldn't mind? How does Greek food sound? I've never had it.
Mary is allergic to feta.
I know.
[whispering] I know.
[fingers snapping] Well, Renata, you are full of surprises.
When you suggested Greek food, I had no idea you meant in Greece.
Well, darling, there are more surprises yet to come.
And when you said your jet, I thought you were referring to your subscription to Jet magazine.
Although maybe you can still answer my questions about Ray Charles.
Champagne, darling? Champagne? Why, thank you.
Renata, may I ask you an impertinent question? Yes.
Please do.
Are there movies on this flight? 'Cause I still haven't seen Shanghai Noon.
[fingers snap] Okay, you guys, this is a bonding exercise with a lesson in trust.
Now, L.
J.
, you're gonna stand right there.
You're gonna fall backwards into my arms, okay? I'm gonna catch you, all right? Now trust me.
Bam! Trust no one! So let's share, all right? Uhyou.
What's it like at night in your home? Now, be honest.
Okay.
Um, at night, my dad comes home usually around 6, if he's not doing a surgery.
We all have dinner and then we discuss current events.
Oh, my God.
That sound familiar, anyone? Yeah, too familiar.
Okay, see, um, you guys need a group.
You can't go through this alone.
So we've discusses this, and we've decided to divide you guys into two different teams, the red team and the blue team.
That's right.
See, research has shown that it's important to have a common "goal," or "enemy.
" And you two groups will compete against each other.
Now, within your group, you will become closer than family.
And if any of you want to drop out from one of the groups? Well I pity that guy.
Yes, we'll have-- [speaking Greek] Dick do you speak Greek? [speaking Greek] [Greek] Well, Dick I don't suppose you dance Greek.
Ha ha! [yelling in Greek] [smashes plate] [yelling in Greek] [smashes plate] [yelling in Greek] [smashes plate] [yelling in Greek] [smashes cell phone] Dick, you're spectacular! I know.
Oh, are you happy, darling? Are you smitten with me? Yes! Then I'm very happy.
Oh, hi, Mary.
Dick, where have you been? Oh, I went to lunch with Renata.
I know.
Three days ago.
Well, you can't go to Santorini without going to Mykonos.
You went to Greece? Yeah.
But, Mary, you can't stay.
Renata will be here any second.
She's picking me up.
Oh, Dick, you're making me nervous.
She's a very powerful woman.
I'm beginning not to trust our plan anymore.
No! But you must trust it.
I am guiding the moth into the flame.
We are so close to ensnaring Renata.
And I am so close to meeting Elton John.
Ooh! [Renata] Dickie! Oh! There she is now.
You've gotta get out of here.
I don't want to leave you! Well then, stay stay and watch.
Oh, and, Mary? Enjoy.
Darling.
There you are.
Hello.
Well this is the first time I've ever been in your bedroom.
Physically, yes.
But you've been here many times in here.
[gasps] Oh, darling, I have to admit at first I'd thought you'd be just another notch on my "piss off Mary" belt.
But I must say I'm falling for you.
If you fall, I will catch you.
Come on, darling.
Let's go.
Oh, Renata.
Chase me.
Oh! Perfect! [stuttering] Where did you come from? Oh, you're good, Dick.
You're very good.
Th--Thank you.
Hello, Mary.
Renata.
I guess you've heard.
Dick is madly in love with me! Yes, I've heard.
Well, if it's any consolation, I'm insanely happy.
I'm actually glad that you fell for my boyfriend hook, line and sinker, even if I had to hear it in that fake voice.
It's not fake! I paid for it! Eurotrash! Teacher! Lightbulb butt! Pork chop! Good afternoon, Mary.
[sighs] Well if we're gonna turn the kitchen into the new senior center, it's gonna take a lot of elbow grease.
Hi, everybody.
Man, Dick, we are having so much fun spending Renata's money.
Oh, good, good.
And you must be having a blast.
I mean, blowing through all her cash.
You're not even doing it for a good cause.
But I am! I'm doing it for a very good cause: for Mary.
Oh, come on, Dick.
You could have burned Renata a long time ago, but you guys have even made Thanksgiving plans.
Well, everything was booking up so quick in Aspen.
My God! What am I saying? This has got to stop! Why? This is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
It's not supposed to be for us.
I was doing it for Mary because I love her.
Nothing else matters! I'm going over to Renata's hotel room now, and I am breaking her heart exactly as planned.
Harry, call the limo.
[sighs] Darling! At last! Dick? What is it? Renata, there's no easy way to say this.
I am a ruthless man.
That's what attracts so many women to me and and often destroys them.
Are these my shirts from Savile Row? When did they come in? Yesterday, but I wanted to save them for today.
They were here yesterday? Yes.
But, darling, I have something very important to ask you.
If the question is "When do I want my shirts?" The answer is "Right now!" Darling, I can't wait any longer.
I must ask you right now.
What is it? Dick this last week has been so magical.
Well.
.
will you marry me? Marry you? Oh, please say yes.
Do you even have to ask? Oh! Okay, so it's come to our attention that a fight broke out today between the red team and the blue team.
That's not cool.
Not at all.
Now, we have devised a simple plan to keep this kind of incident from breaking out again.
The north side of the teen center will belong to the reds.
The south to the blues.
All right, you got that, guys? Now get outta here.
No more fighting-- unless you have to defend your turf, obviously.
That's right.
Remember, friendship is fleeting.
But a tattoo? That's forever.
Dick! What's going on? You were supposed to break her heart, not propose.
She proposed to me.
I can't believe you accepted.
I'm beginning to think you want to be with her.
No! No! No, Mary, on the contrary.
This will be our greatest moment.
Being jilted at the altar is the ultimate in humiliation.
Renata will be dumped from dizzying heights with everyone watching.
I'm not sure even she deserves this.
She does, Mary.
You know that.
Yes, I do.
Come along, darling.
It's time to start.
Sit down, Mary.
Sit and watch and enjoy.
Welcome, all, to this special day.
Harry, whose turf is this museum? Uh, the reds.
Then what's the blue team doing here? We invited them.
Ah.
So, Renata Albright, do you take Dick Solomon to be your husband? Oh, I do! And, Dick Solomon, do you take Renata Albright to be your wife? Of course I do! I now pronounce you man and wife.
Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Oh, Mary-berry, don't wreck this.
No! I am not going to let my boyfriend marry my sister.
But he's not your boyfriend anymore, Mary.
He's my husband.
Yeah, she has a point, Mary.
Now that I'm married, it's really not quite right for us to keep seeing each other.
What? Stay the course.
When the kids are in grad school, whammo! Forget it! Renata, this sham marriage was designed to humiliate you.
Sham? Yes.
But like everything else in your charmed life, it turned on its head and blew me out of the water.
Nice plan, Dick! Is this true? You planned to hurt me? No, no, she's really mischaracterizing the plan.
It was more of a polite wake-up call, segueing into a lifetime of joy, reconciliation, and sisterly love.
And I'm so happy it worked out.
Three Musketeers! Hands in! Unbelievable! You want him? You've got him! [scoffs] He's all yours.
Mary! Renata! [knocks on door] I have an announcement to make.
The red team would like to invite the rolling blues out to the gazebo to have their asses handed to them.
What happened to all the furniture? Oh, the kids.
They were rotten from the get-go.
My only regret is that we cared enough to try.
They were animals.
I'm here to get my things.
Oh, hey, you know what? That's a good idea.
We should go get our old furniture back from that homeless shelter.
So, Mary I guess that sister of yours sort of did a number on both of us, huh? I've never understood the phrase "team of lawyers" until they all surrounded me right after the wedding.
Oh, boo-hoo.
I bet you made out like a bandit in the divorce.
What did you get, the plane or the chalet in Gstaad? No, I was offered them both, but I didn't take either.
Oh? No.
No, the only thing I insisted on, in fact, was Renata's promise not to build that museum addition.
You know, the one that was going to cast a shadow on your office? Oh, Dick you planned this all along.
I did? Yes! You wooed her, you wed her, but you kept your eye on the prize.
We beat Renata! Well, Mary I am a ruthless man.
Make love to me, Dick.
Well, all right, but I warn you, I just got divorced an hour ago.
So you're getting me on the rebound.
I'll take my chance.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA