3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Why Dickie Can't Teach

Good morning, everybody! Good morning.
Well, what's wrong, Tommy? All these different colleges want me.
I don't know where to go.
There's Harvard, Yale, MIT, Cambridge.
Hey, you should go to that place.
Everybody's gorgeous, and it's right by the beach.
It's the J.
Crew catalogue.
There's the school for me.
Well, Tommy, you could go out and play the field, but, uh, why not marry the girl next-door? Pendleton.
You think that Pendleton's better than Princeton? Tommy, when all's said and done, on Friday, Princeton serves fish sticks, and on Friday, Pendleton serves fish sticks.
[Sally] Whoa! Look! It says here that Princeton has eight Nobel Prize winners on its faculty! Huh.
How many does Pendleton have? Let me tell you something about Nobel Prize winners, Tommy.
They eat fish sticks, and we eat fish sticks.
I guess there's not that big a difference.
Well, I can think of one thing.
I hadn't thought of that.
You and I strolling arm in arm through the quad, swapping sandwiches at lunchtime.
Oh, and you're always guaranteed a date for the homecoming dance.
The other kids will be so jealous.
Come on to work.
I'll give you my own personal tour of the campus.
Can we hold hands? Sure.
[rock 'n' roll] Hi, hi, hi! Oh, hi.
Here's the paper.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, you guys, look! "Rutherford's Ten Most Powerful Men!" What number are you, Don? Um Number not-on-it.
What, have they just never heard of you? How could that be? Sally, I'm just a cop.
But I once stopped Number Eight for speeding, though.
He let me off with a warning.
How did these bozos get to be so powerful? You know what they say: under every great man is a great woman.
Don't you mean "behind every man"? Oh, you're dirty.
Behind every great man is a great woman? And you're mine, sweetie.
But, Don, what have I ever done for you? I wear antiperspirant now.
Yeah, well, that's true, but it's not enough.
Don, I've let you down.
I haven't thrust greatness upon you! Sally, you aren't ashamed of me, are ya? Oh, sweetie, no.
I love you just the way you are.
And to prove it I'm gonna tear you down to the studs and rebuild you into the powerhouse you've never dreamed of being.
Oh, Tommy, we are so thrilled to have a student like you consider Pendleton.
We're gonna start by showing you some slides of Pendleton's magnificent physical plant.
Nina, plug in the projector.
It'll blow out the toaster oven in the faculty kitchen.
Nina! We are trying to recruit a student here.
And I've got potato skins working.
Then can you hold the slide up to the light? Dick, get my flashlight.
Uh, now, this is Pendleton's stately library, housing over You mean "million"? No.
Next slide, please.
Uh, you know, I'm gettin' a little bit of an eye strain here.
You're losin' him.
You think I could just sit in on a class or something? Well, of course you can.
I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow, you could try to sit in on one of my classes, but I predict you'll be on your feet, cheering.
[soft jazz] Sally, what's going on here? Oh! I am throwing you a power brunch.
That's nice.
What's the occasion? Well, I'm gonna turn you into a success instead of a failure.
I am not-- Hey, this jacket's got my name on it! I invited everyone from the "Top Ten List," along with some other very important Rutherfordites.
This is Mrs.
She owns quite a bit of property in the Rutherford area.
I know her.
She's your landlady.
You keep networking.
Sally, I--I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm not in the same league as these big guys.
Don, that may have been true of you before, but you've got Sally on the case now.
Just think of me as the wind beneath your ass.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
You guys, it's Number Six, Gus DeMarmel, president and CEO of DeMarmel Lunch Meat.
Ooh! That's good meat.
Gus DeMarmel! Whoo-hoo! How are Peg and the kids? My wife's name is Janet.
Little Peg Junior know about that? Uh, hello, Terry? Terry, when you scheduled me for this brunch, did you bother to find out who was throwing it? You're fired.
Hi, Mr.
Um, rumor has it you're looking for a new assistant.
Meet Don Orville: organized, energetic, a real self-starter.
You have any experience? No.
Well, uh, you know, he'll be putty in your hands.
He'll work for free.
I like that.
Now, be in my office Oh, thanks! He'll be there! Hey, congrats, Don! Let's get you some air.
Next, we measure the decay with difference delta gamma for the mass eigenstates, assuming CP invariance.
The CP eigenstates and the mass eigenstates are what? Leon? Dr.
Solomon, are you allowed to dispense ibuprofen? Wrong.
Pitman? Aspirin? Bug? Here! Chimps! CP eigenstates implies that they arethe same.
Solomon, there is no possible way we could have known that.
Oh, really? And yet, my son knew that.
Didn't you, Tommy? Well, I thought I knew that until you started explaining it.
I can see them not getting it.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
As usual, I'm handing out sandwiches in the cemetery.
Class is dismissed.
So, slugger, how much did you love my class? Your class Well, honestly, Dick, it was-- It was kinda hard to keep from laughing.
[laughing] Yeah, I know! They are so stupid.
They're not the sharpest pencils in the box.
They're not sharp at all.
And you, you're incomprehensible! Not a word understood! I mean, I figured you were a bad teacher, but not Hindenburg bad.
[laughing] Hindenburg bad! [laughing] What? Ow! [phone rings] DeMarmel Meats.
I'll connect you.
Wow, sweet setup, Don.
Ooh, Post-Its? Help yourself.
Don, you look magnificent! But I gotta tell ya, that phone call, you didn't say your name.
So, the next time you answer the phone DeMarmel Meats, this is Don Orville? This is Don Orville at DeMarmel Meats.
That's my boy.
Hey, Don.
Here, check it out.
Whoo! Now you can take a nap, and no one's the wiser.
Tommy! Tommy! If I were a bad teacher, don't you think there would be some slight evidence suggesting that? Your students have been in the same class for years? Well, so? You've been in high school for years.
Yeah, but each year I advanced to the next grade.
That was high school.
This is Pendleton.
Pendleton serves fish sticks.
My high school served fishsticks.
I told you about the fish sticks in confidence.
That's it! I think you'd be a bad influence on my students.
You are forbidden to go to Pendleton! How does that feel? Does it burn? Actually, that's fine.
I'm starting to think you and me going to the same school would be a bad idea.
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what.
This just in: you're going to Pendleton! What? No, I'm not! You are! It's an order! Does it burn? What is your problem? So you're a bad teacher.
So bad, I thought you knew! One more word out of you, and you're getting your master's at Pendleton.
But that is-- Care to go for your PhD? Dick, you're-- Oh, look who's on the tenure track-- Dr.
Tommy Solomon.
Can you hold, please? [phone rings] Hello? Hello.
DeMarmel's office.
Well, it certainly is.
Well, how are you? Actually, I'm feelin' a little dizzy.
I'm sorry, we're breaking up.
Well, that's news to me.
You'll have to speak up.
[shouting] I said, that's news to me! Okay.
But I just got here! Harry! Shut up! I can hear you all the way outside.
Hi, Don, honey.
I brought you a power shake.
Oh! How's it goin'? Great! Uh, Mr.
D was complaining again about how his chair was too high, and I found the knob that makes it go down.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Let's celebrate at lunch later.
Oh, no can do.
Oh, but that reminds me, I gotta tell 'em they rescheduled the bologna conference.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a coffee filter crisis to diffuse.
Bye! Well, I could see you're busy, busy, busy.
Go get 'em, tiger! [phone rings] Hello? Hello! Eh, Dr.
Albright, do you have a minute? Oh, sure, Tommy.
Here at Pendleton, our doors are always open to prospective students.
Uh, it's about Dick.
I'm really worried.
He's being incredibly selfish and bull-headed.
And? Well, I-- I need your help.
We had this fight, and now he's forcing me to go to Pendleton.
Oh, no.
Oh, Tommy, I felt so dirty trying to get you to go to this two-bit clown college.
And rightly so.
You are a brilliant young man.
You should be able to go to any college you want.
It's your life, starting right now.
Well, what about Dick? Oh, don't worry.
I'll talk to him.
You will? Mm-hmm.
Oh, thanks, Dr.
You know, in a way, you're the closest thing I have to a mother.
Oh, Tommy Come here.
Hey! Oh, hey, Sally.
Oh, uh, Don called.
He can't make it.
He's working late tonight.
Oh, good! More lasagna for us, huh? [laughs] Boy, he sure is working hard.
But, you know, just for a second today at the office, I thought he was ignoring me.
Oh, no.
He was just blowin' ya off.
Well, work comes first for now.
I guess I have to get used to it.
I am the woman behind the man.
That's right.
Second-Fiddle Sally.
Harry, I'll never be second.
I don't know.
You saw him today.
He's a young Turk now.
So what? He's still my man.
Well, I guess that's true till he goes and gets himself one of them trophy wives.
What? Well, it happens all the time.
Gotta get your arm charm.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe this.
I polished that lump of coal into a diamond, and now she gets to wear the ring? That whore! Wait, wait! Well, what can you do? What can I do? What can I do? I made him.
I can break him! Yeahgood.
Then I get my shot at that whore.
[children chatting] Dick? Mary.
Wh--How did you find me? You always come to the turtle slide when you're upset.
I'm not upset.
Oh, Dick, there comes a time in every young man's life when he's got to spread his wings and fly away.
Oh, Mary, where would I go? Not you.
It's time to let him make his own decisions.
Well, he's already made one decision.
He's decided that his father is a lousy teacher.
Oh, he was just angry.
For as long as I can remember, I've always been Dick Solomon, brilliant professor of physics.
What am I gonna say now when I go to the gas station? Well, maybe you should get back to basics.
Maybe you should remember what got you into teaching in the first place.
Chalk? See those kids over there? Oh, the ones playing hopscotch so abominably? Why don't you go teach them how to play? Go ahead.
You think? Yeah.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Well, hi there.
Playing hopscotch, eh? Yeah, kinda, but we don't really know how.
Oh, well, what do you say I teach you? Here.
The key is throwing your rock nice and easy.
Why don't you try it? Aim for number nine.
Okay, now try again.
And remember, nice and easy.
Mmph! What part of "nice and easy" don't you understand? You're a bad man.
Oh, right, blame me! You're not incompetent.
I am! That's it! Run away! That--ooh! Heystop it! Well, Mary, I've been humiliated and stoned.
What do you say now? You're right.
You're a bad teacher.
[sobbing] Oh, Mary Ohcome here.
Hey! Right in here.
You know, I think you are going to be very excited about this presentation.
Now, when I buzz you, bring in one of the prototypes.
DeMarmel, I'm your man.
Hi, Don.
Hi, Don.
Bad timing! Bad timing, guys.
I'm on call.
Any second, I have to bring this salami into that office.
[phone rings] Mr.
DeMarmel's office.
Uh, no, he's in a meeting.
Did--Did you just see a salami? What's wrong, hon? I--I thought I grabbed-- Forget it.
There's another.
Don, I am so impressed with your organization.
Oh, I gotta get the tray.
Ah! What's going on here? Sally, did you come all the way down here just to play "hide the salami"? How dare you? I'm sorry.
I've--I've been under a lot of pressure.
There are only three of those in the world, and I've already lost two of 'em.
Harry did you hide my salami? I'm sorry.
I've been under a lot of pressure.
[buzz] Aaahhh! What's the matter? It's go time! [screams] No, no, wait! Just a moment, sir.
[door slams] Sally, could you hand me that tray? Oh, sure, sweetie.
Aaahhh! Who's playing you-know-what with the thing? Well, not me.
Yeah, me, neither.
Orville, the prototypes, now! Sir, I-- I've lost them.
You've what? All three.
You're fired.
No, no, no, no, no.
He quits.
Don't worry about him, sweetie.
You're still number one on my list.
[DeMarmel] Is that the prototype in your pocket? Nah.
I'm just happy to see ya.
Tommy? Dick.
[sighs] I owe you an apology.
I'm sorry I made you even consider Crapleton.
You really mean it? Absolutely.
Oh, that's a relief.
You deserve to spend these years at a college, not a place where the freshman dorms had to be built by Habitat for Humanity.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
And, you know, it really has nothing to do with Pendleton.
It's just I don't think that you and I should be at the same college.
Oh, well, don't worry about that.
I'm through with teaching.
It's the career fair for me.
Dick, you can't quit.
You're a terrible teacher.
That's your greatest strength.
What? I'm so confused I feel like I'm taking one of my own classes.
Your real job is to be High Commander.
And the mission says you're forbidden to change the world.
So? So, are any of your students smarter than they were four years ago? Well, no.
That's right.
So what you're saying is, by day, I'm Dick Solomon: mild-mannered, incompetent physics professor.
But by night, I'm Dick Solomon: brilliant, charismatic, steel-abed High Commander.
Yeah, something like that.
Tommy, I'm back! And my first order of the day is for you to pick whatever college you want.
Aw, thanks, Dick.
Come here.
Closed-Captioned By J.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA