3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick Digs

Well, yes! Absolutely! Oh, I'm so excited! Thank you so much! Dick? Do you know who that was? You've been on the phone for 10 minutes, Mary.
You'd think you'd know who you were talking to.
It was Dr.
Powell, the archeologist! He's leading a dig tomorrow at the Pawchuk Indian mounds, and he asked me to come! You're going on an actual archeological dig? That sounds so exciting! It sure does! Can I have tomorrow off? No.
We are going to have the best time together.
Whoa-- uh, Dick, I don't think I'm allowed to bring a guest.
Of course you are! This is a free country! That's exactly what the Indians fought for! Gee-- I don't think I could-- Oh, Mary, please.
For years, you've been talking about all the digs you've been on, and all the stuff you've found.
And for once in my life, I wanna see it, instead of being bored to tears, hearing about it.
Well, it would be nice to share the thing I love the most with the person I love the most.
Oh, terrific! I'm going to the mall right now, to buy some field boots.
Can I borrow your Visa card? No! I hope they take Discover.
No! [rock 'n' roll] Okay, thanks.
Have a good time.
You guys ready to go? Hey! What's with all the cars? The Rutherford Garlic Festival is this weekend.
Dubcek's chargin' people $20 to park on her lawn.
Whoa.
She charged me way more than that when I parked on her lawn.
You didn't park on her lawn.
You parked on her foot.
And she didn't charge you.
She sued you.
Excuse me.
We've been driving around for hours.
Do you know of any hotels that have rooms? I believe that all hotels have rooms.
Town shouldn't put on a garlic festival if they don't have adequate lodging.
[huffs] Hey.
Dick's gone.
We could rent out his bed.
Whoa, wait a second.
If we're gonna go that route, why not rent out the whole room? Ah, well.
This is it.
Umm, bedroom's right through there.
And, uh40 bucks a night, it's yours.
Oh.
It's really eclectic.
I like how nothing matches.
What doesn't match? I don't know.
When do you have breakfast? Uh usually about Oh, oh, oh.
Is it possible to get reservations for dinner tonight at Lo'Berge.
I guess.
I mean, we have a phone.
Anything's possible.
This is a terrific deal.
How come you're not in the Crown Travel Guide? Trown travel guide? Oh, yeah! If they give your place four stars, you'd be booked solid.
How do you get four stars? Uhgreat service.
Uh-huh.
Make a lot of money.
Welcome to the Inn at Solomon House.
We are here to service you.
Uh, Dr.
Albright.
Oh, Dr.
Powell.
Oh, thank you so much for inviting me.
I guess my knowledge of the Pawchuk Indians had a lot to do with it.
Yes.
That and the fact that Dr.
Davis went into labor.
I just heard you took the liberty of bringing your boyfriend? Oh, he's not just my boyfriend.
Dr.
Solomon is a professor of physics, and a brilliant educator.
He'll be a tremendous asset.
I just whipped a twig off a birch tree.
Now let's go find ourselves a mummy! [whips snaps] Was that an icebreaker or what? [laughing] What.
What are you doing? You look like a fool! Here, Mary.
Put this apple on your head.
There's a good chance I'll be able to whip it off.
Oh Gimme the whip.
What? Give me the whip.
Give me the machete.
I'm not giving you the treasure map.
Gimme the treasure map.
Now don't show it to anybody.
I'm serious.
Come here, Dick.
What? Come here.
This is your square foot, right here.
Mm-hm.
Okay.
Now take the trowel, and the sable brush, and the air bulb.
And gingerly dust away the sediment, one thin layer at a time.
Oh, come on.
Let me use some of my dynamite.
A couple of M-80's, and we'll be picking sacred Pawchuk crap out of our hair.
This is how we do it.
Great.
Why don't I just take a nap, and see if anything sticks to my back? Ana.
Hello to you, too.
Listen.
I have some guests, who are dying to take a tour of the mayor's residence.
Excuse me? Look, I voted for your husband.
So the least you could do is let some strangers poke around your condo.
Oh, really? Well, the same to you, Mrs.
McCheese! Bad news.
She's recovering from lipo.
Harry.
Did you change the sheets in the guest room? Oh.
Uh, better.
I put on some cologne and rolled around on 'em.
Just change them, okay? And I'm gonna need you to make some radish flowers for tonight crudités.
[fingers snapping] Get to it.
Why? What's with the snapping? It's the international sign for "Get to it".
Either snap or say "Get to it.
" You don't have to do both.
[finger snaps] What? Get [both] to it! Harry? I just noticed that the sand ashtray does not have an impression of our hotel's crest.
Mm-- what's our hotel's crest? A giant "S" with a deadly python! [hisses] Dick, do you realize that hundreds of years ago, Indians raised families here, and hunted here, and built villages here? Well, they had the good sense to die here.
I wish I was with 'em.
I'm not here for 5 hours, and all I've found is this long pointy rock.
Wait a minute.
Let me see that.
This isn't a rock.
This is a spear head! It is? Are you sure? I'm telling you this is over 400 years old! Look at those edges! Oh, my God! It is a spear head.
If you can't see that, Mary, you're a blind fool! Well, congratulations! Give me my spearhead! You'll ruin the edges! Oh, this is the best! F-f-f-fuh Foop! Foop! [moans with excitement] Archeology? Your prodigal son has come home.
Foo foo foo foo foo! Here ya go, ma'am! Hot apple cider.
Oh, thank you.
Oh! It's-- it's-- it's a bit spicy.
Mm.
No.
It's perfect.
I think it's too spicy.
No, I think you should just drink it.
Uh, Mrs.
Russell.
Let me get you another cup of cider that's more to your liking.
Harry? Kitchen.
You're crazy.
What was that out there? I know.
That lady doesn't know her ass from her apple cider.
And you don't know anything about the hotel business.
What the customer wants, the customer gets.
Yeah.
Sally gets them reservations, and you get 'em flower arrangements, and I get to get 'em toilet paper.
It's just not fair! I don't care what's fair! What I care about is four stars in the Crown Travel Guide! Well, I think that's bogus! Then I think you're fired! You can't fire me! I quit! All right.
Then understand this.
If you quit, you're fired.
I quit! You're fired! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where did that come from? Who held this magnificent pointy stone? Some mighty warrior? Or perhaps a tiny Pawchuk brave, whose mother said, "Be careful, Freddy.
You'll put an eye out with that thing.
" You know, you're not even supposed to have that in here.
All artifacts are supposed to be inventoried and kept in the supply tent.
I bet he was fat.
A big fat guy, walking around, jabbing at bison like he owned the place.
Or maybe he was a little girl.
Would you stop? What's the matter with you? Nothing.
I mean, it's-- it's not that big a deal.
People find artifacts every day.
Well, maybe it's not that big a deal to you.
You've found hundreds of artifacts.
But don't you remember what it felt like when you found your first one? I don't wanna talk about it.
But tell me about it, Mary.
What was it like? Tell me.
C'mon.
Tell me I've never found a single artifact in my whole damn life! What? Now you know.
Are you happy? Well, what about all those objects in the office? The coins.
The pottery.
I bought them at airports.
Well, what about your prized Chuchubian death mask? eBay.
Ooh, Mary.
I'm so sorry that I found something.
I wish you were me.
It's not just you.
I mean, people were pulling things up all day.
And then when Dr.
Powell found that ceremonial wedding moon.
I would have killed to have found that.
What is it you want, Mary? Is it the moon? Is that it? [imitating Jimmy Stewart] Do you want the moon, Mary? Can't believe Harry quit on us.
Left us with all this work.
I told you to do a background check.
I mean, he came so highly recommended.
Uh, you might wanna check out the tub.
I think the drain's clogged.
Yes, sir.
We will get right on that, sir.
Thank you for letting us know.
Why do these people need to bathe every day? Why does the hairiest guest always have to wear my robe? Hello, everybody.
Oh my God, Harry! Thank God you're back! Hey, it's great to see you, man.
Now I know that regaining our trust will be difficult.
But I think that snaking the bathtub drain is a good place to start.
That how you greet all your guests? I'm sorry? I'd like a room.
I'm checkin' in.
What are you talking about? I'd like a New York Times on my doorstep every morning, with the crossword puzzle already filled out.
For breakfast, I'd like a small glass of juice.
Whichever kind you're out of.
And I'd like to start with a nice warm bath.
There's absolutely no way you're getting a room here.
"Dear Crown Travel Guide, "The Inn at Solomon House stinks!" I'll show you to your room.
Yeah.
Oh oh oh, miss! Could you get the luggage? Thank you very much.
Why do I do this? I just keep going through life, trying to find new ways to prove what a loser I am.
Oh, Mary.
Stop.
You don't have to prove that to me.
Why don't you take a little break? And-- and go get yourself a cup of coffee, huh? Okay.
So, uhMary.
Caffeine kick in yet? You ready to dig? Huh? You know, I'm done for the day.
Ooh! What? Oh, no, you can't give up now.
Not when you're so close! You know, I'm-- I'm gonna be in the tent.
No! But this is your lucky day.
Oh, I doubt that.
Oh, no no.
Trust me.
No, I'm leaving-- Get back in the pit, you loser! What? Please.
I'm sorry.
I-- I'm just trying to make you feel better.
Here.
Give it a few more minutes.
I believe in you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Why don't you try over there, hm? Wait, wait.
Ho! Wait, wait-- wait a second! Whoa.
Don't tell me you found something.
I did! I think I did! Are you sure? Now, don't toy with me! My heart can't take it! I'm serious! It's a ceremonial wedding moon, just like the one Dr.
Powell found.
Oh, my stars.
Will you look at that? I can't believe this! I actually found something on my own! Oh, hon.
Who was there for you in your darkest hour, huh? Oh! Dick! A little sugar this way? Oh, thank you so much! Thank you for having the confidence in me that I'd lost.
Oh, I love you so much.
Come.
My Indian princess.
Let's go down to the river, shed our buckskins, and party like it's 1399! Woop woop! Come on! Rub me! I just-- I don't wanna! Rub me, woman! [long moan] That's the stuff! Did you get me those Les Mis tickets? I looked into it, and it's not playing in Ohio.
Well, after dinner, maybe you and the boy'll act it out.
This ceremonial wedding moon that I unearthed today may change the way we think about the Pawchuk Indians.
Perhaps all Indians.
Ladies and gentlemen: Archeologist of the Day, Mary Albright.
Oh, no, no Yes! Yes! Please, no There will be a small but formal party for Dr.
Albright, tonight at 8.
B.
Y.
O.
weenies.
Oh, Dick.
For the first time in my life, I feel legitimate.
Oh, that is so great.
But you don't you think it's time we took that moon thing and discreetly mixed it in with all the other artifacts? Not just yet.
No? No.
Dr.
Albright.
Dr.
Powell.
I heard you found another ceremonial wedding moon.
I find that hard to believe.
Why? Because it refutes those theories you've been spewing for the past 10 years, about the Pawchuks being monogamous? Where did you get that jacket? Is that real canvas? Let me see that wedding moon.
No! Don't give it to him, Mary.
What? He just want to see the moon.
What'll he want to see next? Your bank account? Come on.
Let's blow this No! Mary [Man] Dr.
Powell! I just went to get your wedding moon.
It's missing.
[gasps] It's not missing.
It's right here.
Mary Albright stole it! No, I didn't! Just ask Dick! He was with me when I-- Oh my God.
You stole it, didn't you? Oh, that's insane.
I'm not on trial here! You are! Give me the moon, Dr.
Solomon.
Forget it.
Give me my moon! No! I will not give it! It's not yours! It belongs to the Pawchuk Indians! And the river that they swam in! [everybody gasps] [splash] Oh my God! Dr.
Albright, after this, I can assure you that you and your doofus boyfriend will never be on another dig again! You know, I got a lot of respect for you people in the service industry.
Takes a very dedicated person to wait on somebody hand and foot.
Haven't you ever heard of a corn pad? You know what I'd like for you to arrange for me, later on? A bachelor party.
And you be the entertainment.
Come here, baby! [screaming] Let me go! What? That is it.
I quit.
What? No, no-- You can't just quit.
I'm not just quitting.
I'm also checking in.
No, you can't do that.
But then you're leaving me with the whole workload.
What about the other guests? I'd like some juice, please.
Oh, two.
I'm not serving you people juice.
Dear Crown Travel Guide I don't give a rat's ass what the Crown Travel Guide says.
I want juice.
I want a pedicure.
I want a lap dance at Harry's bachelor party! No, I quit! Excuse me, can I get some fresh towels? I'm sorry.
We don't work here anymore.
Pardon? Yeah.
So why don't you get your own towels? Ooh, wait a second, I have a better idea.
Why don't you get out of our house? Yeah, get the hell out of our house! [all three] Get out! [screams] Oh, how was your trip, Dr.
Albright? Did you find anything? I sure did.
The low point of my life.
Let me guess, Dr.
Solomon helped you find that.
Dr, Solomon? Oh, he's dead to me.
I knew you'd come around.
Hello, Mary.
You must be very mad at me.
Oh, what makes you say that? I had a lot of time to think about it on my walk home.
I've got nothing to say to you.
ListenMary I'm so sorry.
What I did was stupid and irresponsible.
But I did it because I love you.
That's what you do for someone you love? You destroy their reputation? Their integrity? Haven't you ever heard of giving chocolates? When you said that you had never found an artifact it just broke my heart.
I wanted you to feel what I felt when I discovered my spear head.
And you did.
For one beautiful moment, you felt it.
And you'll always have this to remember it by.
Oh, my God, it's-- It's the ceremonial wedding moon.
I thought you threw this in the river.
No, that was my spear head.
I figured, I'll find something else.
I'm not so sure about you.
I can't keep this.
Why not? Because it's not mine.
It's--it's Dr.
Powell's.
He's the one who found it.
Oh, he's a pompous boob.
But he found it.
He'll never miss it.
Oh, yes he will.
He thinks it's at the bottom of a river.
Let's go get a display case.
Hey, you guys.
Look what I stole from that place that we stayed at this weekend.
Harry, you can't steal your own shampoo.
Harry, do me a favor, will you? Balance this apple on your head and stand up.
Well, all right.
Watch this, guys.
[whip snaps, Harry screams] Closed-Captioned by J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA