3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - A Dick Replacement

Oh, look, Dick, a fortune teller! Oh, let's go in.
It'll be fun! Fortune teller.
If this so-called fortune teller can see the future, wouldn't she have been able to predict the decline of this neighborhood? Okay, so you don't believe in psychics, but you do believe in the Loch Ness Monster.
I do no believe in the Loch Ness Monster.
I believe Nessie is a friendly sea serpent whose frisky demeanor has been misinterpreted as monster-like.
Okay, thanks! Mrs.
Dubcek.
Oh, hi! Oh, Rita is an unbelievable psychic.
Without her, my life would just be a mess.
Uh-oh, I'm late for my AA meeting.
Oh, come on.
Let's go in.
Welcome.
It's $15 each.
Well, I guess that's reasonable.
The upkeep on crappola must be pretty high.
Let me go first.
Hi.
You've been sad recently.
Kind of.
Generalization Madam Ripoffski.
Dick, you're spoiling it.
Oh, excuse me.
Please continue, Mistress Fraudini.
It's okay.
Some people have scientific minds and it's hard for them to process psychic phenomena.
[scoffing] Oh, please.
Scientific-- How did you know I was a scientist? How do you think? I can see that you and your friend are from very different worlds.
Mary, I think we should go now.
One of these days, he's gonna up and leave you.
Stop it! And go back to wherever he came from.
Oh, come on, Mary.
Up! Up! Up! Time to leave.
Dick, take it easy! Let's get out of here.
Thank you so much for ruining my life, you heartless, evil prophetess! Are there any mutual funds that you especially-- Never mind, you bitch! Guys! Guys! I just had the most disturbing experience.
Mary dragged me to a psychic down on Water Street who predicted that we'd be leaving the planet! Whoa, wait a second.
A psychic? Those people are for real? Oh, this one is.
She is good.
We're not leaving the planet, are we, Dick? We could be called away at any second.
And I can't bear the thought of Mary growing old alone.
I wouldn't worry, Dick.
Mary's not one to keep her panties cool for too long.
You're right.
She is extremely resilient.
Mm, she's a slut.
But she could spend years searching and attract only losers.
Well, what can you do? You got no control.
Then I'll take control.
I will dedicate my life to finding my successor.
[laughs] I don't know, Dick.
If I were Mary, I wouldn't want you to find me a new boyfriend.
But I must.
Anyone who knows Dick Solomon knows that he is completely selfless.
And when I find my worthy replacement, and I shall, he will wait patiently in the wings.
And after I've gone, he will love Mary as only I know how.
Aw, that's sweet.
Thank you, Harry.
No, no.
I mean this cinnamon sparkle syrup.
It's sweet.
Aw, poor Dick.
That psychic really messed with his head.
Wait a second, Harry.
If that psychic knows we're leaving the planet, then she knows we're aliens.
And if she knows that we're aliens, she knows that I'm an alien.
All right, we gotta check her out.
And if she's for real, we have to kill her for security reasons.
And what if she's not real? Well, we kill her for sport.
Nina? Nina? Oh, hi, gorgeous.
Listen, I'm, uh-- I'm working on a project and I need your help.
Sit down, dear.
Nina how does a lonely, single woman like you find companionship? I'm not lonely, Dr.
Solomon.
I have a boyfriend.
Sure you do.
Sure you do.
Let's pretend that you didn't, shall we? How do you go about finding a lover? If I had to, I'd try a church group, the personal ads, or maybe even the internet.
And yet, with all these bright ideas, you still remain miserable and alone.
It's such a pity.
I have a boyfriend! You're the only reason I'm miserable! Oh, but-- Nina you don't understand.
Almost engaged.
So, have you also struck out at singles bars? Even if I didn't have a boyfriend, and I do, hanging out with a bunch of horny drunk guys has never been my scene.
So, if you've never tried it, it just might work! Thank you so much.
Oh, and, uh, Nina if I were you, I wouldn't rule out the bars.
Those drunken horny guys might just overlook that sour personality of yours.
I have a boyfriend! Oh, no, the door's locked.
She knew we were coming.
She is for real! Relax, Harry.
Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Look, there's a note on the door.
Be back at 12:30.
See, 12:40 now.
She didn't even know she'd be late.
I think your watch is fast.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
I set it ten minutes fast 'cause I always found that I was always-- Running late.
Yeah.
Uh, that's right.
Well, we better get going.
Um, our bus is gonna pick us up at the, uh-- Bus stop.
Uh-huh.
Harry, do you have any of those-- [Rita] Tokens? Oh, my God! [screaming] Dick, why did you bring me here? Everyone here is half my age and twice as good-looking.
Mary, you could jump back into this game in a second.
You're tough competition for all these women.
Thank you, Dick.
You've been around the block more than any of them and they know it.
Not to mention you could drink most of these men under the table.
You are not a loser.
Loser? I never said-- Mary, repeat after me.
"I am not a beast.
" Oh, Dick! I'll have you know a lot of men find me very attractive.
In fact, there's a guy over there who's been checking me out.
What? Where? Oh, good eye.
Stay here.
Look pretty.
I'll be right back.
Oh, Dick, please don't start a fight with that guy! Excuse me.
Uh, you seem like an intelligent, fairly well groomed young man.
Oh, and I see you work out.
Dude, don't touch me.
Hey, Lexus key chain.
What are you drivin'? I'm talkin' here.
What are you wasting your time with her for? You see that hot blond sitting on a pina colada? Well, right behind her is an experienced professional woman who could use a man like you.
So what do ya say? You wanna party? Excuse me, you work with that guy? Yes, I work with Dick.
Why? Let's not cause a scene.
We don't want your kind here.
Find your Johns in some other bar.
What? Hey, hey what's going on here? Dick, they think I'm a hooker! A hooker? Yeah, Mary! You still got it, baby! Okay, okay, okay, let's focus here.
How do you kill somebody who can predict the future? We'll have to do it-- Unpredictably.
Right.
Like an accident.
But how do you plan an accident? No, no, no.
You can't.
But you can accidentally plan to accidentally kill somebody.
By accident.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like she could be allergic to shellfish and you accidentally run her over with your car.
That's a good plan.
Eh.
Oh, no! It's not gonna work, though.
I mean, if we already planned it, it's no longer an accidental plan.
Well, that's too bad, 'cause it was a good one.
Oh! I got a great one! No! Shut up, Harry! Don't say it! The only way this plan will work is if I don't know about it until the last possible second.
Of course.
It's perfect.
So then, I guess I'll see you around.
Sure.
Yeah.
See you around.
Yeah.
Or not.
Or not.
Yeah.
Hello, Rutherford Hardware? Yes, you have an ad here for something called a "stud finder".
Does this thing-- Does this thing really work? Yeah, good, because I need a man who-- Hello? Hello? Idiot! Dr.
Solomon, weren't you already warned about skipping class to make phony phone calls? I don't have time to teach class today.
Well, when this kind of "emergency" happens, you should let me know.
There's a visiting lecturer who's dying to substitute for you.
You know someone who can replace me? Yeah.
His name's Gary Hemmings.
Gary Don't like it, but a name can change.
So, tell me about this Gary.
Is he quick-witted, well-tempered, virile? Uh, maybe I should just go get him.
Does he like to see snowflakes fall on the face of his beloved? Will he wipe away the sleep from her eyes, only to be blinded by the sunshine of her flawless complexion? Does he have just the tiniest of crushes on Harrison Ford? Dr.
Solomon? Uh, Nina said you wanted to see me.
It's like looking into a mirror.
My God, you're gorgeous! Gary, I've lived in Rutherford for five years now.
I am arguably the most celebrated professor in Pendleton and I am dating a major hottie.
Does this sound like a life that Gary Hemmings could lead? Well, yes, professor.
I've always wanted to be where you are.
Good, because, Gary, I could be called away at any moment.
You need not know why.
And when that happens, I'll need the right man to step in and take my place.
Are you offering me a fulltime position? Potentially.
It all depends on how you and Mary hit it off.
Mary? I had no idea Dr.
Albright was so influential.
Hemmings, get your head into the game.
If Mary doesn't like you, none of this will work.
Well, I certainly hope she likes me.
After all, there's plenty of solid experience under my belt.
And that's exactly where it will stay until I'm gone, all right? Until then, I suggest you focus on flowers, chocolates, and ceramic fiddle-playing cats.
Are you absolutely certain that's appropriate? Okay, I can see I'm wasting my time here.
Good day, sir.
No, no, no, no.
I can do that.
I can play the game, sir.
Oh, it's no game.
You'll see that tonight when the three of us dine and let the pieces fall where they may.
Okay, that's great.
Good.
Oh, and, Gary? Yes, sir? Be a lamb and fill this up for me, will you? You can't be too careful nowadays.
Thanks for waiting.
I can't find my tarot cards.
Gimme your hand.
Okay, but a guy walkin' around with a bottle of honey I sure hope that no accidents happen! What the-- Oh! [screams] Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm such a klutz! What are you doing? Now, Sally! Okay.
What? Release the killer bees! I don't have any killer bees.
I knew it.
I kinda thought that was gonna happen.
Well, you should have told me the plan, man! Well, you told me not to! Oh, there she is.
Yeah.
Isn't she a vision? She's a lovely woman, sir.
She's a fox.
Hi, Dick.
Oh, Mary.
And Dick's friend, who's joining us on our romantic date.
Mary Albright, Gary Hemmings, a brilliant physicist.
I've taken him under my wing and I'm grooming him for his most important challenge of all.
Nice to finally meet you, Dr.
Albright.
Oh, by all means, call her "Mary.
" Oh, or "Puddin' Nose.
" Or Dr.
Albright.
Gary, are you gonna give us one of your trademark smiles? Please.
sir, you're embarrassing me now.
Come on, it's for Mary.
[cooing] Stop! Stop! Okay! Ha! There it is! Dick! So, um, Dr.
Albright, how long have you been an anthropologist? Oh, yeah Oh, well What an interesting question.
Gary, could I talk to you for just-- Man, what are you doing? You're such a lox! I don't know what you want! What every woman wants: sparkle! Dick, they're playing our song.
Well, it could be Gary's song too, Mary.
What is he doing here? He's, uh, dancing with you! Gary, take over.
I'm a little winded.
Don't mind Dick.
He's, um-- Eccentric.
Yeah.
Most brilliant people are.
You're a bit eccentric yourself, Dr.
Albright.
Really? Look at them.
My girlfriend and her future lover.
Aren't they beautiful? It's a perfect match.
You've done well, Dick Solomon.
Too well.
Hi.
I'm Sally and this is Harry.
We'd like to get a reading.
I'm not telling you your futures! I should have you two arrested! Please, we're not here for us.
We wanna know your future.
My future? Well, sure! I mean, our lives are so boring, but we'd kill to hear yours.
My customers only ask about their problems.
Nobody cares about mine.
[in unison] Aw, we care.
Aw, bless your hearts! [laughing] I see a sad little girl from a small farm-- Blah, blah, blah.
How does it all end? Excuse me? Well, just skip the middle and get to the end.
How you ya die? Die? Yeah.
Well I've always had the clear vision of myself dying during a passionate night of lovemaking.
Not a bad way to die, huh? Not at all! [laughing] But a horrible way to kill.
Right, Harry? All right.
It's gonna be tricky.
I mean, who knows what lies beneath that muumuu.
[foot steps] Dick! Well, what are you two doing here? Dick, this psychic is dangerous to the mission.
Harry is moments away from making love to her to death.
Good plan.
But first, I have to talk to her.
Oopt, upt, upt.
There will be plenty of time for talk during my two-and-a-half hours of foreplay.
No, no.
I command you to suspend this eroticide until I have spoken to Rita.
I have to find out when we're leaving this planet.
Why? I finally found the perfect replacement for myself.
Well, that's great! It is great for Mary.
But I planned this selfless act, I had no idea how it would affect me! It's heartbreaking.
I've got to find out how much time I have left with my beloved.
Well, what would make you happy, Dick? Ten years? That quick? Ten short years? Is that what you think? Well, it could be ten months.
Ten tiny months? I'm as good as gone already! Well, Dick, you found your replacement.
Face it; from now on, you're just a temp.
You're right.
The only thing standing between Mary and true love is me.
Oh, if only I'd seen this coming! Damn you, Rita! I wanna kill you myself! But how do you kill someone who can predict the future? Mm, I gotcha covered.
Dr.
Solomon? You wanted to see me? Oh, yes, Gary.
Please sit down.
Thank you.
Look, there's no need to delay the inevitable, Gary, my son, my brother, my protege me.
You mean, I've got the job? When do I start, sir? Well, Mary's last class starts at 3:00, so if you can coax her to a happy hour at 5:00, you should be in the sack by 7:00.
What? Wait a minute.
I'm not sleeping with Dr.
Albright just to get the job.
What do you mean? Sleeping with Mary is the job! Well, part of it anyway.
She likes to shop, too.
I just wanna teach physics.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We had a deal! Hey, guys! Chicken Jerusalem in the cafeteria! Dr.
Albright, you may be a handsome woman and I would certainly love a position here at the university, but I am not going to sleep with you! Good-bye! Okay, that's fair.
Dick guess what I wanna know.
[groans] They call it "Chicken Jerusalem" because they make it with Jerusalem artichokes.
Anyway.
Why doesn't Gary wanna sleep with me? Oh, because he's an idiot.
Now I don't know what's gonna become of you when I'm gone.
Oh, my God, Dick.
You're not dying, are you? No, I'm not.
But what if I did? That psychic scared me.
She made me think about the future.
What would happen to you if I weren't around anymore? I thought Gary could replace me, but now I don't wanna be replaced! You're not saying that you were trying to fix Gary and me up? Yes! It was the hardest thing I ever had to do! Listen, you.
That psychic didn't know anything.
You have many, many years ahead of you, and I will be right by your side.
And after that, I don't want anybody else.
Mary you'd rather be alone? After you, I'm done.
Of course you are.
How could I expect you to ever settle for anyone else after being with someone like me? I've ruined you.
More than you'll ever know.
After so long on this planet, I've finally learned my most important lesson of all.
What's that? That it's better to have loved Dick and lost Dick than never to have had Dick at all.
Still, I'll pass.
By the way, did you take care of that security risk? I'm on top of it.
Oh, Harry, mission accomplished? No, not yet.
I just came down to get some water.
What is taking so long? I don't know! She just keeps gettin' stronger! Look, now just remember, Harry, the entire mission is counting on you, so keep it up! Easier said than done.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA