3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - My Mother, My Dick

What're you doing? Throwing stuff in the time-space portal.
We're not supposed to do that.
So? It's fun.
Besides, Dick's not here.
We're alone.
Come on, let's do it.
You know you want to.
I don't know.
I don't want to get a bad reputation.
I won't tell.
Wellokay.
But just this once.
[loud whir] [screams] Oh, that was quicker than I thought it would be.
Oh! What's going on here? It's not what it looks like.
Have you two been throwing stuff in the time-space portal? No.
No.
You better not.
Because if I ever catch you doing that, you will be in big trouble.
Oh, you're in a bad mood.
Oh, in fact I am.
I'm having dinner tonight with Mary and her horrible mother.
[loud whir] You have been screwing around with the portal, haven't you? Like we'd do that with you in the house.
That's just gross.
Yeah.
Well, you won't mind opening the closet door then, will you? That's cool.
Okay.
[Both scream] Oh, crap! Oh, I knew it.
An alien from the home planet.
My prongs are gone.
My prongs are gone! How did you get here? I was hanging around the terrestrial vortex and all of a sudden I got sucked in.
Oh.
I hope you're happy.
You leave the receptor open, you didn't use precautions, and now look what you've got, another mouth to feed.
Wait a second, we don't wanna be saddled with him.
We got our whole lives ahead of us.
You should've thought of that before you had your fun.
and a whole lifetime of responsibility.
[low gasp] [Harry] This is your fault.
Oh, you enjoyed every second of it.
[Harry] Well, I guess we're just gonna have to put our life on hold and take care of him.
I don't know.
He is kind of cute.
[sneezes] So, Martha, how are you enjoying your visit with our Mary? It's terrif.
Quite a hostess, my little Mary Margaret.
Thank you, Mother.
It's not every day you get to sleep on a mildewed metal cot.
I did offer you my bed.
I know, I know, but it just didn't seem right.
Little bit too much history there.
Pumpkin, don't lean over your plate.
This is a restaurant.
You're not in a federal prison.
I could be.
Real soon.
Would you two excuse me for a minute? I'll be right back.
Those Cape Cods go right through you.
I am in hell! Oh, my poor Mary, I can't stand to see you like this, all miserable and freckled with breadcrumbs.
I dread these visits.
It's psychological torture.
I mean, this is the reason I was fat when I was a child.
Food was my only friend.
Well, it's good to see you two have stayed in touch.
Wh--why don't you tell your mother how you feel? Oh, I can't.
How can you tell your mother she's a terrible mother? This is a perfectly lovely restaurant you picked out, Mary Margaret.
Thank you.
Nice woman in the ladies room gave me this comb.
There you go.
Put it to good use.
So, Mary, first a toast to Martha.
You are a terrible mother.
What was that? I'm sorry, that didn't come out quite right.
To Martha, the worst mother in all the world.
Dick! It's okay, I found a way to tell her.
[silently] The toast.
How dare you? I mean, really.
How dare you? If this drink wasn't so bloody good, I'd toss it in your face.
Well, bring it on! Come on.
Come on, Martha! Come on, let's take it out back.
What in God's name-- Dick, you will not have a fistfight with my mother! It's okay, Mary.
I'll use the open hand.
Come on.
Come on, Martha.
Get out here.
Wait a minute! Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm leaving.
I'm telling you, Mary, it's the only way to settle this.
You pissant! Oh! My hip! Waiter, we'll have an ambulance for the lady, and I still haven't gotten my salad.
All right, little fella.
Oh! You can't go out until you get used to that new body of yours.
But I think there's something wrong with this one.
There's a hole in the back.
All right, you guys.
Smile.
[camera clicks] What'd you do that for? The moment's over.
You know what? It would help if you would take a little more interest in this.
Fine.
[Sally] Let's give him a name.
It'll be easier to yell at him.
Well, let me see.
He's just a guy.
Let's call himGuy.
Who's Guy? Okay, see? He's slow.
Stop saying that! I can say whatever I want.
[sobbing] I hate it when you fight.
Are you happy now? It's okay.
Hey, who's got your nose? [screams] Morning.
Mary, you look like you've been up all night.
Oh, no, Dick.
I had a very restful night with my mother in the hospital.
I was only trying to make things better between the two of you.
I know.
But you just made things worse.
Now when she gets out of the hospital she's going to have to stay with me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Mary, I wish there was something I could do to make things right for you.
As long as Martha Albright is in my--my life, there's nothing any of us can do.
I'll find a way, my darling.
For you, no sacrifice is too great.
Oh, by the way, with all the ruckus at dinner last night, I accidentally over tipped.
You owe me a fiver.
Finish your lunch.
Well, there was a sale on chops, and the market was a zoo.
[cartoon, on TV] What's going on here? You can't just plop him down in front of the TV.
Where are his phonics flashcards? When I left you agreed that you would do his phonics flashcards.
You know what? He took a bath with them.
The shampoo burned my eyes.
I'm going stir-crazy here.
It is so boring having to watch him.
If you're bored, let's play Doorbell.
What's Doorbell? Ding-dong.
No, no, no.
Well, you can't blame him.
Of course he's hyper.
You've been feeding him candy all day.
Hey, wait a minute, that candy is chock full of nutritious sugar.
And it'll also help him learn his letters.
Well, "M".
Hey, who wants to play another game? No way, man.
Oh, come on, play with the boy.
Fine, as long as it's not Doorbell.
Double-Doorbell.
Ding-dong.
Oh, okay, fine then.
You just go, you deadbeat.
We don't need ya.
Guy and I will play Doorbell.
Excuse me, are you Martha Albright's doctor? Who are you? I'm here on behalf of the Albright family.
Sadly, we've decided it's best to to pull the plug.
What? She--she just had a hip replacement.
Look, this is a quality of life issue.
She's perfectly healthy.
No, not her quality of life, her daughter's.
I'm calling security.
Oh, come on.
It's almost ski season.
You're gonna need the beds.
[heart monitor beeping] Who the hell unplugged my fan? Hello, Martha.
What're you doing here? The psych ward's on 6.
Good to see the morphine hasn't dulled the neurons where "mean" is stored.
Dick, I have no desire to talk to you.
The truth hurts, doesn't it, Martha? But there's no space-age titanium hip replacement to mend Mary's broken childhood.
Mary's broken childhood.
Puh-lease.
Mary was loved, Dick.
Mary had a lovely home, Dick.
Mary went to the best schoolsDick.
We even bought her a pony when she was eight.
A pony? Yes.
Mary never told me that.
And when she was a teenager, [gasps] what a handful.
Do you know I had to lace her orange juice in the morning with crushed birth control pills.
Soso you made sure she got her vitamin C and kept her from getting knocked up? That is so caring.
All right, I was hard on her.
But I just wanted her to be the best Mary Margaret ever.
I loved her, Dick.
And I still do.
I just love her.
I never realized there was another side to the story.
The mother's side.
Martha, from now on, you will want for neither gratitude nor affection, because, gentle Mother, I will tend to your every need.
Oh, Dick.
I have to go to the john.
I'll ring for the nurse.
This is nice.
We haven't been out in a while.
That was the nicest washroom I've ever seen.
I don't know what those women were screaming about.
Sit down.
Did you wash your hands? I'm not handling food, and I'm not an employee.
Okay, drop that sarcasm right now, buster.
[scoffs] When are you two gonna get off my back? All right, let's go.
It's obviously too soon to take him out in public.
He's not ready, let's go.
I am ready! All right, then act it.
Hey, she's here.
You are about to interact with a real human being for the first time.
Do not screw it up.
Oh, you look so handsome.
Hi, hi, hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry to be late.
Another pharmacy is on to me.
Ms.
Dubcek, this is Guy.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, so what do you do, Guy? I used to be a photon shunt in the wavelength continuum, but now I wear pants and talk.
Can you talk without the pants? Well, I don't know, but I can put that on my list.
Oh.
[laughs] [cackles] You like? Dick! You're a genius.
How'd you get my bangs to split apart like that? A little love, a little talent, and a little volumizing spray make for miracles.
Oh, thank you, Dick.
You are adorable.
Back at ya, cute thing.
I know someone who's getting a new caftan.
Now you just sit a spell, and then we're gonna work that shiny new hip of yours.
Oh, no, no! Yes, yes, yes.
Dick? Dick? Is that Mary? Don't you worry, I'll talk to her.
Dick, what the hell is going on? Mary, please keep it down.
Your mother is resting.
I went to the hospital to pick her up and they said her son came and got her.
Now, I know it can't be my brother Roy, she has a restraining order out on him.
No, Mary, it was me.
WellI'm here to get her.
Why? So you can take care of her in some sort of perfunctory manner? Well, yeah.
Martha deserves more than that.
She shed some new light on your past, Mary.
You were quite the rebellious little tart.
Dick, you have no idea what it was like living with a mother like that.
And you don't know how lucky you are to have a mother.
Yes.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I hear Mother calling.
I didn't hear anything.
That's because you're listening with your ears and not your heart.
I gotta say, he's not screwing up like I thought.
Yeah, he's doing great.
She thinks he's as normal as we are.
That straw's on fire.
Yet you seem to love it.
Gimme one.
You touch that, you die.
Oh, no, no, no.
See, if you say no, that'll just make it taboo, and he'll want it that much more.
It's your decision.
Uh Give me that cigarette.
Give it.
Right now.
Hey, as long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules.
You two are so annoying.
Leave me alone with my friends.
You heard the gent.
I'll drop him off later.
Oh, that's no problem.
That's a great idea.
See you at home, Harry.
Ooh, you know what? By the way, let me see these cigarettes, Dubcek.
There you go.
How do you like that, Mr.
I'm-Cool-'Cause-I-Smoke? Smoke 'em.
Smoke 'em all! All right.
Good, you made it all the way around the kitchen.
Oh, big deal.
I've got closets at home bigger than this kitchen.
Yeah, it is rather cozy, isn't it? Dick, a cottage is cozy.
This is more like something you'd keep a cricket in.
I think it's time for your medication.
Put that on hold, please, if you don't mind.
What I need is 10ccs of vodka.
I don't think you should mix alcohol with your pills.
Oh, really? Well I don't think you should mix that haircut with that forehead.
Martha, that sounded a little sharp.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did it? Oh, never mind.
Ice cream.
Yeah, good.
That's the stuff.
Dick, if you're going to snack like that, you ought to start wearing a lot of black.
Black? Yes, black.
It's slimming.
But I don't need that.
Well, on second thought, maybe you're right.
It does tend to highlight your dandruff.
Oh, I need a break.
She's a madwoman.
That little squinty guy's not so great either.
It's like a sniper.
I drop my guard for one second and bang! A verbal shot about my child-bearing hips.
They won't let me out without adult supervision.
I'm like a raisin in a cage.
A raisin in a cage? I've been here three days, man.
Lay off.
How would anyone put up with such abuse? Well, Harry and Sally were there for me when I didn't know anything.
When I didn't even know the difference between Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton.
One's a little beefier.
I know that.
Right, I guess these relationships linger because we feel indebted to those who took care of us in our infancy.
Yeah, but they're so annoying.
Well, that's what you and I and Mary and anyone else with parents has to put up with.
But Harry and Sally aren't my parents.
Well, maybe not in the same way that Martha is my mother.
Hold on.
Yeah, you can walk away from this situation any time you want.
Yeah, you're right! It's time to bag the old bag.
You could get out too.
Wh-- Yeah! Wait a minute, I think there's one thing we're both forgetting about-- the gate on the top of the stairs.
You push the tabs together and pull it back.
Oh, man! You're the greatest.
What's your name again? Dick.
Dick? I know what that means.
[Martha] Dick? What? I want you to rub a little salve on my lumbar.
I think it's time to cut this millstone from around my neck.
[Mary] Dick? What? Dick! Oh--Oh, I, uh I'm sorry, Mary.
For a moment there, you sounded unnervingly like your mother.
Now, Mary, I'm gonna go in there and talk to your mother and you are going to listen.
No, no.
You're gonna listen to me.
Now, I know I've had a rough history with that woman, but there's one thing that will never change, she'll always be my mother.
She's my responsibility.
Like it or not, she's coming home with me.
Martha, your ride's here.
Well, this is it.
You know, I'm actually gonna miss you guys.
Listen, Guy, be careful out there.
Ooh, and you're probably gonna need a little money.
Well, I guess I always knew that this day would come.
But nothing ever quite prepares you for it.
I'm sorry.
I promised I wouldn't do this.
It's time, Harry.
You taught me well.
Now it's time for me to spread my legs and fly.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, sir.
[exhales] Well, Sally, now I guess we'll have the time to do all those things we always dreamed of.
Oh, yeah, well, like what? Well, for starters, Double-Doorbell.
Closed-Captioned by J.
R.
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