3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Mary Loves Scoochie (2)

Last time on 3rd Rock From The Sun Dear Mary She saved all the love letters I sent to her.
Wait a minute.
I never sent her any love letters.
Apparently, another man has been sending love letters to Mary, a man named Scoochie.
The letters! Scoochie? Aah! No! Scoochie, reveal yourself! I can't take it anymore! No! Stop! Please don't kill him! Liam, what are you doing here? I'm Scoochie.
You're the one who's been writing me love letters for the past 3 years? I thought you'd forgotten me.
Forgotten you? One of my most cherished memories is the two of us co-mingling on your butcher block.
No.
No, no.
I'm Scoochie.
Mary, this man's an imposter.
Now, we know that the real Scoochie is a master of verse, so why don't we settle this with a little off-the-cuff verbal jousting? [Crowd cheers and applauds] Now to me, off-the-cuff verbal jousting is a dish best served written in advance.
Are you declining my challenge? [Crowd boos and hisses] No.
Not at all.
Let the verbal jab-fest begin.
But you go first.
Oh.
Very well.
[Man] Uhh! Of the hours in a day, the only time is you.
You are the beat of my breath.
You are the wine in my blood.
Youare Mary.
Oh! [Crowd applauds and whistles] Whatever.
I will now dispatch my foe with an elegant haiku.
I know that! I'm so sick of you! You think you know everything! Will you stop it, please? Well, yes, that is technically a haiku, but it's rather pedestrian one.
No, no.
That was an accidental haiku.
What? I want another turn! Oh, Dick, don't bother.
I knew you didn't write those poems.
Good night.
Call me, Scoochie.
Okay.
Okay.
[theme] You guys! You guys! You guys! What's our favorite movie? [both] Arthur 2: Arthur On The Rocks.
Well, feast your eyes on this! Arthur? Arthur? Yeah! There's a prequel.
Well, who knew? This is gonna answer so many questions about Arthur 2! Yeah.
Like the "2.
" Once in your life you find her Someone who turns your heart around [Dick] Stop the music! Next thing you know You're closing down-- Aah! Hey! I've got horrible news.
Brace yourselves.
Liam Neesam is back.
Liam who-some? Oh, yeah.
Remember that alien who came here to destroy earth, but then he didn't 'cause he thought Dick was such a great human being? Dr.
Liam Neesam.
Yeah.
I thought you were talking about the other Liam Neesam.
You know.
The plumber? Oh, yeah.
Is he back to destroy the world? He's back to destroy my world.
Liam is Scoochie.
What? Yes! And Scoochie is from Team X! No way! Probably wasn't enough for him.
Now he wants to steal my Mary.
Oh, come on, Dick.
No alien would travel all the way across the universe just to boff Mary Albright.
Sally, that is so crass! I prefer to think that Liam is here to make sweet, gentle love to Mary.
That's nice.
That's even worse! Dick, look, I'm just saying I'd be surprised if this wasn't a part of something much bigger.
You know, you may be right.
I don't know what he's up to, but whatever it is, I won't have it! It's time for Dick Solomon to fight back! Right after one piece of blueberry pie.
Who's with me? And of course, "Liam" spelled backwards is "mail," as in the letters with which I correspond with you, and of course the homonym of "mail" is "male," which I find fiercely appropriate.
Liam, your wordplay is dazzling.
Thank you.
And of course, an anagram of "Liam" is "Mali," a sub-Saharan country with an unfortunate climate.
And another anagram is "Lima," capital of Peru and home of the Inca civilization.
And of course, if you lose the "M," add a "B" and scuttle the letters around, you getBali.
[laughs lightly] That's a nice word.
Exotic.
Well, think of it less as a word and more as an invitation.
Oh, Liam, that's sweet, but I'm still "technically" going out with Dick.
Oh, dear.
Look, there's something I must get off my chest.
I think of you as absolutely exquisite, and yet you persist in going out with a man whose name doesn't spell anything other than Dick.
But he's so sweet.
Oh, wake up, my little pumpkin seed.
Has he ever taken you out to a decent restaurant like this? Oh, we go to nice restaurants sometimes.
Oh.
But he always brings a fly to put into the soup so he doesn't have to pay.
Well, don't worry, Mary.
The only fly that I have with me tonight is the one on my trousers, and you won't find that anywhere near your soup.
Liam, if you brought me here because you thought you could score, wellwe'll see.
Oh, this is awkward.
Rutherford is such a small town.
This will power the rumor mill for months.
Shh, shh! Nevermind that.
I need to listen to the conversation with my girlfriend.
My affection for you is only part of my reason for being here, though.
The other reason is to make you a job offer.
A job offer? Doing what? Good question, Mary.
I'm giving you the opportunity to do groundbreaking anthropological research.
The only snag is that at the start, I can only pay you a high 6-figure salary.
Oh, that's one, maybe 2 figures more than I'm used to.
Why me? Because I can't think of anyone I'd rather work side by side with or on top of.
Uhh! Oh, that rat! He's using her mind to get to her body! That's sorat-like! Dick.
Here's your sandwich.
Dick, what are you doing here? I'm, uhhaving dinner with Judith.
It's a date, Mary.
Are you spying on me? And what are you doing here? Getting a job offer from Liam? Yes! And I accept! What? Oh, fantastic! Look, what do you say I get this one for you? [fly buzzes] [fly buzzes] Bon appetit.
That's so much nicer than the fly I brought.
Come on, Sally, it's starting.
We've watched this movie, what? And like the wine Arthur drinks, it keeps getting better with age.
You know, I wish I had a limousine.
And a butler.
And a shameless chemical dependency.
Oh, yeah.
Once in your life you find her Someone who turns your heart around The next thing you know Hey! Hey! I was right.
Liam's sole purpose on earth is to win Mary.
So stop it.
Situation solved.
Now hit play.
No.
But how? He's better than me at everything.
Oh, man.
You're screwed.
Well, maybe he isn't.
Liam still thinks that Dick is a human, and as a human, Dick is no competition.
But Dick is not a human.
See, if Liam knows that Dick's an alien, they'll be on the same wavelength.
He'll have to respect him, and then he'll back off Albright.
That's brilliant! So, I'll just tell him.
As long as you realize that by telling him, you may be forfeiting your inheritance.
That's Arthur.
Yeah.
See? It all comes back to Arthur.
When you get caught Between the moon and New York City [knocks] Do you know what time it is? Time to come clean.
Time to bare my soul.
Time to tell you that I, like you, am an alien.
Impossible.
Open your mouth.
Good Lord.
So you are.
Good night.
Look! Now that you know I'm an alien, you'll stop seeing Mary, right? Why should I do that? Well, because of the alien's code which states that aliens cannot steal girlfriends from other aliens.
You just made that up.
I did not.
Did.
Did.
Did not.
Not.
Did.
All right, then.
Who enforces this code of yours? Before I answer that, may I ask you, what is the single thing that frightens you the most? Oh, I suppose a shark attack.
Oh, well, coincidentally, the code is enforced by a squadron of sharks.
Sharks? Oh, I love sharks.
You just said that you hated sharks.
Well, I must have misunderstood the question.
Stop worrying.
I didn't come all the way to earth for your sloppy seconds, and since you're an alien, I can spill a tad.
You see, I'm using Mary as a cover for my master plan to devolve all human beings into monkeys.
Oh! Oh, what a relief! I thought you were here to sleep with my lady.
What was that about monkeys? Well, I'm here to devolve all human beings into monkeys, you see, and then turn the earth into a giant theme park called Planet Monkey World.
Planet Monkey World? Why, that's appalling! How can you do this? I weep for humans! Has Mary agreed to this? Yes, although she doesn't know all the details, like the end of the world, etcetera.
I'm sorry, Liam, but I'm telling Mary about this right now.
In that case, I shall be forced to tell her that you're an alien.
That's not fair! You've had more time to think this out than I have! This is awfully good, you know.
Well, thank you all very much for being here.
As you represent our targeted alien consumers, any suggestions you have in this focus group will be very much appreciated.
Back in a moment with you.
Now, remember, don't hold back.
It's vital to the survival of the human race that you tell him how much you hate this plan.
Yeah.
Got it.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Planet Monkey World.
[overlapping chatter] Ooh! Wow! Lame, lame! No, hear me out.
I mean, Planet Monkey World is based on a simple premise-- monkeys are funny.
Picture Beethoven's 5th at Carnegie Hall.
Boring! Now, picture it played by 120 classically trained monkeys.
Ha ha ha! He claimed that it was stolen by a monkey wrench and sold to you by a monkey.
Oh! Ah any questions? Yes.
Will the monkeys have monkey boobs or human boobs? Good question, good question.
My gut tells me human.
Nice.
Aw, damn.
Harry, you had your hand up? Oh! Uh, no.
Tommy covered it.
I see.
Yes? Just how do you plan to turn the humans into monkeys? With this Ape-Maker 3000, a species transmorphic device.
Now, who would like to come up with some ideas for the new territories of Planet Monkey World? Oh! Oh! What we're trying to do is, we're throwing monkey-related words into existing names, you see? So Mississippi becomes Bananasippi or Missouri becomes Bananassouri.
What about California? Oh, I know! Monkeycalifornia.
It's a bit on the nose, isn't it, Dick? Bananafornia.
Very good! Tommy's got it! A lucky guess! It's not a lucky guess.
You just put banana in front of all the names.
Well, no.
Not necessarily.
Banana is a common theme, but we like to mix it up a bit.
Anyone else? Okay.
How about Opposablethumbsylvania? Very good! Dianefossechusetts.
Marvelous! Crapthrowerzona.
Yes.
We may have to clean it up a bit, but I like the idea.
North Monkeykota.
No.
South Monkeykota.
Brilliant! Oh, drat! New Monkeyexico.
No, no.
Curious Georgia.
Marvelous! And on a final note, my friends, my colleagues, on the bicycle that is my success, you are the training wheels guiding me down that bike path toward my dream.
Could she be any more pompous? Yes.
You should have seen her first draft.
She compared herself to Abraham Lincoln, and he did not come off well.
Maybe if we leave now, she won't notice.
And if ever any of you need a letter of recommendation, call me.
Dick, you missed my farewell speech.
Listen, Mary, I think it would be a huge mistake for you to take this job with Liam.
This is so typical! I finally get the opportunity to make some money in a job I love and you want me shackled to this flea-bag college and a dead-end relationship.
Oh, really? Do people in a dead-end relationship buy an ab-roller together? You're just jealous of Liam.
Oh, Mary, I'm worried about you.
I don't want you to get hurt.
Liam isnot what he appears to be.
Oh, right.
He's not suave or brilliant or incredibly romantic.
Mary, if those things were important to you, you should have said something! I'm not a mind-reader, you know! That's it, Dick.
I'm taking this job.
It's Mary Albright's turn to climb to new heights! Oh, Mary with 4 hands and a prehensile tail, it'll be a fast trip.
This is horrible! We've got to find some way to stop Liam! His plan will obliterate humanity! If only he wasn't so cold-hearted.
If he only cared about people and earth like we do.
Wait.
Tommy, that's it! Liam is in a human body.
He must have human emotions.
We can exploit that.
Yeah.
If we get him to feel sympathy for humans, maybe he'll think twice about turning them into monkeys.
Focus group, please.
Focus group.
Now, what do you think? Is 7 dollars too much for this? I'll take 2.
Liam, Planet Monkey World is a fantastic idea, but it's missing something essential.
Now, don't say bluegrass music, 'cause that'll be covered at the Country Monkey Jamboree.
No.
No, no, no.
You're missing the real earth, like the happiness in a child's eyes when a loving parent tucks him in safe at night.
Or the wonder of two young lovers as they stroll down the beach, dreaming of what is yet to be.
Or the quiet contentment of a couple in their autumn years as they sit and reflect on a life well-spent together.
Or hookers.
Cheap, painted hookers.
I see.
You're trying to make me feel something for humanity so I'll bag the whole Monkey World plan.
Well, let me just check.
No.
Nothing.
Oh! Well, we tried.
I guess I'm gonna go watch Arthur before Arthur turns into a monkey.
Well, I'm off.
Goodbye, Liam.
The greatest privilege one has on earth is the chance to feel the bond of the human experience.
I'm only sorry that you never got to feel it.
Yecch! Well, then.
[Arthur theme song playing] What's that song? Oh, that's the theme from Arthur.
Oh, it's catchy.
No, no.
You won't find me falling for any of that sentimental nonsense.
No, no.
Arthur, eh? Yeah.
He's a rich man with a drinking problem.
Ah.
Well, anyway, when I set out to do something, I do it.
Arthur, he does as he pleases See, just like Arthur, I do as I please.
Deep in his heart, he's just He's just a boy I've always fancied that at heart, I'm a child.
Tell me, he has a drinking problem? Showing himself a really good time Well, with a healthy attitude like that, he must have a reasonable chance of beating this alcohol thing.
I mean, is he in it alone or what? Oh, no.
He's got the love of Liza Minelli to help him through.
You know that happened to me recently.
This is extraordinary.
This Arthur thing is all about me, and suddenly I feel this odd mix of joy and sorrow, of hope and despair, of triumph and tragedy.
Liam, that's-- that's humanity.
Well, it's wonderful! Does this mean that you're scrapping Planet Monkey World? Oh, screw Planet-- what happened? I feel so alive.
Guys! We did it! We did it! Whoo! [laughter] [Liam] Hello, Dick? Liam! Are you here to say goodbye? Want a hug? No, no.
I just came by to let you know that plans have changed a bit.
They have? How? Well, I'm leaning towards going ahead with this Planet Monkey World thing again.
But what about last night? Oh, last night was beautiful! I felt things here I've never felt before in my life.
It was absolutely wonderful.
But I slept on it and it doesn't really hold up, you know? So, Planet Monkey World is a go.
I thought I'd start here at Pendleton.
Have you got a campus map anywhere? Oh! Once in your life you find her Someone who turns your heart around And next thing you know You're closing-- Oh, why run through all that Arthur nonsense? I think he's a terrible wanker.
Aha! I've got you now! That's not the real devolver.
Do you think I'd be stupid enough to give you the real devolver? This is the real devolver.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Can I see it? Mm-hmm.
Aha! I've got you now! I said, do you think I'd be stupid enough to give you the real devolver? The real devolver's in my pants pocket.
Uhsee? Are you sure that's the real devolver? What? Well, you said it was in your pants pocket, but then you got it out of your jacket pocket.
So I did.
That's rather embarrassing.
I seem to have lost track of the real devolver.
Do either of yours say "real devolver" on the top there? No.
I don't think so.
Oh, that's funny.
Khiii! Well, how on earth did that happen? Khiii! Where's the other one? I took the label off and I put it in the Do you want me to hold that one for you? Yes.
Um Oh, I remember! I took it out of the fridge and I put it in there, 'cause I had my wallet in my pants pocket, so it's in-- it's in the-- Oh, could I have that? Stay where you are.
Goodbye, Liam.
Oh, I say! [gasps] Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
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