8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s05e06 Episode Script
Jason Manford, Sarah Millican, Jonathan Ross and Bill Bailey
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Sarah Millican, Jonathan Ross, Jason Manford, Bill Bailey, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, approximately one new word is added to the English language every two hours.
It's unbecredible! A polyorchid is the technical term for a man with more than two testicles.
Since I hired my new fitness instructor, Diego, I've become a polyorchid.
I've got two testicles in the normal place, and another two in my mouth.
Apparently it's cardio.
And numbers and counting began around 4000BC in Sumeria, when Carol Vorderman went there on holiday.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not saying Sean Lock is downbeat and depressing, but Channel 4 have asked me to announce if you or anyone you know is currently suffering from Sean Lock, there will be a helpline for you to call after the show.
Joining Sean tonight, it's Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jason has a media and performance degree - from the University of Salford, and yet despite that - Jimmy! - What? "Sol-ford".
We've said this before.
CHEERING - What did he say? - He said Sal-ford.
Well, it's spelt S-A-L-F-O-R-D.
It's spelt that way, but it's said, "Sol-ford.
" Do you say "sal-t?" No.
Salt.
There you go.
Thanks, Millican.
APPLAUSE OK.
Jason has a media and performance degree from the University of Salford and yet, despite that, he's done really well for himself.
LAUGHTER Jason Manford is everyone's favourite northern comedian, when Peter Kay is not available.
Up against them this evening, it's our special guest team captain, Sarah Millican! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sarah Millican is standing in for Jon Richardson tonight.
He doesn't mind if she wins or loses but she better leave the desk tidy, or he will go mental.
Sarah is a marvel - she's managed to combine a busy stand-up career with a hectic home life, being Ant and Dec's mum.
LAUGHTER And Sarah's team-mate, Jonathan Ross! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jonathan is a broadcasting legend.
He's fronted more shows than most TV presenters have had hot dinners.
Not Eamonn Holmes, obviously.
LAUGHTER Sarah, now, you're a big fan of the show.
Are you excited to be on this evening? Yeah, I'm thrilled to be here.
OK.
Do you play along at home? Yes, I do.
I do.
It sometimes has weird repercussions, though.
I was once playing the game and then I put me workings-out to the left of me on the sofa and a spider the size of me hand ran across the floor and you know one of those fast ones that you can't go and get a bit of loo roll cos if you come back it'll be gone, so I picked up me workings-out, I hovered it over and I just punched it really hard.
Killed a spider with maths! You punched a spider to death? Yeah, is that Oh, is that not good? LAUGHTER Now, Jonathan, you're never lost for words.
Have you ever been lost for words in your whole life? I That'll do.
Brilliant.
Last time you were on the show, you got two eight-letter words and the conundrum.
Did I get two eight-letter words? - Yes.
Are you feeling the pressure this evening? - Yeah.
I'm competitive.
- I want to win.
I want us to win.
- Yes.
In the memory of Jon, because LAUGHTER - It's worth mentioning, Jon might not be dead.
- Yeah.
Jon is, and obviously I'm sure you're going to be as great, but Jon is fiercely competitive and he knows I could tell even though I got the eight-letter ones, I knew he knew them in advance.
He gave off this sort of aura.
He is like a kind of Jedi Knight for this game.
I think he was sending his thoughts into me.
I think I was merely a puppet for his desires.
LAUGHTER Now, Jason, last time you were on the show, you didn't score a single point.
LAUGHTER Have you done anything to hone your Countdown skills since then? Not really, no.
I mean I've watched it.
The proper one, not this bullshit.
Now, your last tour you talked about first world problems.
- That was the name of the tour, was it? - It was, yeah.
Have you got any examples of first world problems from the tour? Mine were just like the typical things that bothered me, like, it was family-based, really.
My brother was always moaning about them and he sort of inspired it because there was one where we were having dinner together and halfway through, he looked really disappointed.
I said, "what's wrong with you?" He said, "I was saving the best bit of my dinner until the end "and now I'm too full to eat it.
" I mean What a selfish bastard.
Sean, are you worried about Sarah this evening as competition? - Do you think she's going to beat you? - No, no I don't know.
It's difficult.
She's taken Jon's place, which are very small shoes to fill.
Literally, tiny feet.
You haven't seen his feet.
More like little hooves.
You know the way people say, "Oh, bumblebees shouldn't be able to fly," but if you've seen Jon's feet, you go, "How does he walk?" No, I think it will be interesting playing Sarah.
I think I've got a chance.
Jon is ridiculously good at the game.
OK, Sean, if you were Prime Minister, what would you do? What would I do? What's the first thing you'd do - if you were in charge? - Um Well, after I'd had a cup of tea and looked out of the window and smiled in a satisfied, smug way to myself for fulfilling my destiny, I would change the law so that anyone who'd got PPI compensation had to return it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, have you got a mascot this evening? Did you bring anything with you? I did, Jimmy.
I think it's very appropriate with the cold snap, and it's this lovely book called A Gritter's Tale.
It's a selection of true stories from the front line of the fellows who grit our roads and keep this country moving, and just to sort of keep in the theme of it, I thought I'd put this on to read some of these lovely tales.
This one's from Alan in Pontefract.
"When we left the depot, the yard was full of grit.
"We did one run and I don't know how many lorries were out that night, "but I'd say when we got back, a good eighth of that grit was gone.
" LAUGHTER But my favourite bits are behind the scenes, stuff you wouldn't really think.
It's amazing, right, how many amorous adventures these fellas have.
There's a lot of women drawn to the gritters.
They call them grit chicks.
LAUGHTER And there's one very interesting tale here, where is it here? It's about a fella who realised his wife was having an affair with a gritter, partly because there was a big grit lorry parked outside his house LAUGHTER .
.
but also, he kept wondering why his bed was sandy.
And it's just full of lovely tales, stories like that.
OK.
Jason, did you bring a mascot today? - I did, yes.
- What have you got? Well, I just had another child, another baby.
- Another child? - Another one, yes.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
And SEAN LAUGHS She's She's adorable, and I don't usually show pictures of my children but I just wanted to show LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So She's got my stubble, which is quite cute.
And my eyebrows.
I'm just assuming from that it was a difficult birth.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
THEY GIGGLE Beautiful.
Shall I just put Yeah, just leave it there.
Sarah, do you have a mascot? Yes, I do.
This is my first time ever of being a captain, in any time of my life and I'm very excited, but the only captain I really warmed to and respect is Captain Birdseye.
So I thought I'd dress as him for inspiration, so I've gotthe hat.
Oh, yeah, classic.
Do you want to put the beard on before the hat? Have you done this before? I've done this a lot.
The reason I need the fake one is because mine's a bit uneven.
Does that look all right? I'm suddenly finding you very hard to resist, I'll be honest.
WOLF-WHISTLING Thanks.
Don't resist, love.
Go for it.
- If you could grow a beard, a long beard - Yeah.
Would you like to grow a big, long beard? No, because it's like a part-time job trying to pluck my 'tache.
That is a fantastic look for you.
Thanks.
Jonathan, do you have a mascot? Well, at the moment, I am home alone.
My wife has not been with me for over two weeks now, my wife and daughter, because she's out in Toronto.
My daughter is doing some work experience and she's out there.
- Doing work experience in Toronto? - Yes.
I did it at Kwik-Fit.
I've been having some great experiences.
Some things are planned, some aren't, and obviously I've been drinking more than I usually would just to take away the sting of loneliness.
A week ago, I came home and there was a box in the hallway that had been delivered while I was out.
I didn't know what it was and I started opening it up.
Got it out of the box, and only when I got it out, I realised it was the night I was watching Kill Bill at home, this is true, watching Kill Bill on my own, and after it finished, I decided I had to have the samurai sword from Kill Bill.
And that was what was waiting for me when I got home, - and it's so sharp I'm not allowed to get it out in the studio.
- Really? Yeah.
It's proper sharp.
All I've used it so far is cutting up apples, but I keep it in the kitchen cos that's where we keep the knives but my wife, I don't know what she'll think when she comes home.
Where could you get a really massive knife block? And just slide it in and see if she notices.
Or a stone in the garden and pretend I'm King Arthur.
It's a hell of a sword.
OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, we have Bill Bailey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Comedian Bill Bailey was first discovered in 1984, at the end of a rainbow, sitting on a pot of gold.
Bill, you're from Somerset.
What's your favourite West Country phrase? Favourite is the one where you go, "That badger belongs to Brian May!" LAUGHTER I imagine that comes up a lot.
It does, actually, yes.
Now, obviously, you're known for being a musical genius.
Have you got anything to get us in the mood for Countdown? Well, I've provided, the Countdown staff have provided me with this magnificent piece of equipment, which has now stopped working.
Basically, it's a drum.
Er # Da-da-da, da-da-da-da Da-da-da! Da-daddle-da-da There we go.
Hold on, there's a plug Hang on, wait a minute.
Let's put that in there.
That's it.
Now.
Now you've got it working, give us something to get us in the mood for Countdown.
- OK.
I was going to actually just attempt the Countdown theme in the jazz idiom.
- Ooh.
- Cos it's a sort of HE PLAYS JAZZY COUNTDOWN THEME It's got a sort of nice feel to it.
Oh, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And with Bill, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie became Countdown's resident lexicographer in 2003.
There were others before, but weirdly one of them died in a fire, one disappeared out jogging, and one of them choked to death in a freak accident.
I guess they didn't obey the first rule of Countdown - "You don't fuck with Susie Dent.
" LAUGHTER Susie, what's the hardest word in the English language to pronounce? OK, I'm not going to look at Jonathan for this one.
Erm, the hardest LAUGHTER - Sorry.
- Anything with an R.
Start with Fewwawi and work your way up.
You know what's a real bitch at Christmas? Fewwewo Those ones.
LAUGHTER I love them, I can't eat them.
I have to say I call them If they ask, "Do you want any chocolate?" I say, "Give me some of those ambassador ones.
" Erm, the ones that people get wrong are things like, erm, "mischievious", they say, or "pacifically".
- Arrgh.
- That's not good.
"Espresso", "prerogative", they're You've got to give us the right one and the wrong one, otherwise I don't know if these are wrong or right.
If you wanted a bit of coffee in a tiny, tiny cup, what would you ask for? - Expresso.
- It's espresso.
Espresso.
- Espresso? - Yeah.
You want it quickly, it's expresso.
OK, in charge of the numbers, we've got Rachel Riley! Rachel Riley appeared on Strictly, where she proved she's not only nearly as clever as Stephen Hawking, she's almost as good at dancing.
LAUGHTER Rachel, last time Bill Bailey was on the show you revealed you've actually got a bit of a crush on Bill.
Do you think you'll to be able to keep your emotions in check this evening? I kind of lost the power of speech last time Bill was on.
And as soon as my producer found out he was on again, he actually sent me an e-mail and told me not to disgrace or embarrass myself again.
And my mum actually got me Bill tickets for my birthday, so I've got an incentive not to get a restraining order before October.
LAUGHTER - You've got tickets to see Bill in October? - Yeah, I'm What, in a theatre or just in the house? LAUGHTER Well, I'll be there.
It's weird, because if you saw both their pictures, like, on the telly, and said which one's stalking which LAUGHTER We'll do that.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for this evening - this Countdown Slide.
- Are you going to have a little slide? Going to demo? - Come on.
I will actually have that slide.
Like, if we do win it.
I know you sort of do it like, "Oh, we've got a daft prize," but I will actually We were just saying the same thing.
I will actually have it.
- So the game is on.
- Cos that young man's quite slim, is there, like Like, if you're too wide, you can't get on.
Would I get stuck at the top, is what I'm asking.
Well, if you win tonight we will find out.
If we win, I'll buy another one for you and you can put one cheek in each and go down like that.
And I'll be waiting to catch Captain Birdseye.
I might take me beard off now, you've made us all freaked out.
- That looks like you've got a really hairy chest now.
- I'll take it off.
Before we start, erm, me ping's just gone off in the oven and I've prepared a snack for everybody, just in case anybody wants one of those.
I'll put them down here in case you want one, but don't be too greedy, Jimmy, because you know three fingers is enough for anyone.
LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sarah and Jonathan, you get first pick of the letters.
OK, do you want to No, I think Captain goes first.
- You're first time captain, enjoy the moment.
- OK, hi, Rachel.
- Hi.
- Can I have a vowel, please, love? Thank you.
Start with I.
And another vowel, please.
E And a consonant, please.
R And another consonant, please.
H And a vowel, please.
A And another vowel, please.
- U.
- And the rest consonants, please, love.
And C and L and the last one, G.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
LAUGHTER SQUEAKY VOICE: Sean, what have you got? LAUGHTER How many? IMITATING SQUEAKY VOICE: Five.
HE LAUGHS My laugh's exactly the same.
Jason, how many have you got? - Five.
- OK.
Sarah? I thought I had six but I've done it wrong.
So, er, none.
OK, so you got six but it's wrong.
Jonathan? I got five.
Let's kick off with your five.
What have you got? GLARE.
G-L-A-R-E.
OK.
Jason.
I've got CHAIR.
Ooh, very good.
LAUGHTER I know you're taking the piss, but I'm actually proud of myself.
Sean, what have you got? REGAL Ooh, REGAL.
You know, the fags.
LAUGHTER Ahh.
Sarah, what's your six? Erm, it was AERIAL, but there's not enough As in it, so so I've got a four of CHUG.
Wow.
- I've got a seven, but I think it's wrong.
Shall I offer it up? - Yeah.
It's too late, it's too late.
Now I think it might be right.
Whoa, I'll adjudicate on this.
No, you won't, there's rules.
- So what was your seven? - I think I did need two As as well.
I had GLACIER.
G-L-A-C-I-E-R - But I think it's an A at the end as well, isn't it? - No, perfect.
That would have been great.
But you just didn't quite have the cojones to declare it.
Shame.
GLACIER.
You're not allowed GLACIER because you declared it too late.
Why did you hold out false hope and let me give it out and then now you're listening to old cut-price Dumbledore with his bobble hat over there? OK, so five points to both teams.
Bill, I noticed you glaring at the dictionary there.
Could they have done any better? Well, we've got a seven.
We've got AURICLE.
Spelled AURICLE.
Which is the bone in the ear, I believe.
It can be, it can be your earlobe.
And yours is huge.
Yeah, I've got massive earlobes.
Susie, I wouldn't touch him too much, because Rachel will be over there with her fucking claws out.
So at the end of that, both teams have five points.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Sean, Jason, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top and five - Or whatever it is, I can never remember.
- Four - Some others.
- Two from the top and some other ones.
- Thanks.
Four little ones.
Right, they are 2, 4, 5 and 6, and the big ones, 100 and 50.
And the target, 836.
And your time starts now.
So the target was 836.
How did you do? Did you get it, Sean? - Er, no.
- Jason, did you get it? - 830.
830, OK, close.
Sarah, did you get it? 838? 838.
Even closer.
- Jonathan? - I got 830.
- 830.
OK.
Sarah, you were closest.
How did you do it? 5 + 4 = 9 9 x 100 900 - 50 2 x 6 = 12 So take that away.
Yeah, 838.
Well done.
- Very nice.
- Nicely done.
APPLAUSE Seven points for Sarah there.
Rachel, could it be done? Yes.
Quite a hard one.
If you say 100 + 50 2 x 5 = 10 150 - 10 = 140 140 x 6 = 840 And take away the four for 836.
Wow.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner for the first time.
Bill, what have you got for us? Well, I've been looking in the archives.
I found this old Bible.
It's an old Holy Bible, and it's a West Country Bible.
And I found a new chapter.
The Book of Worzel.
And there's a few West Country commandments.
There's this one: "Thou shalt not taketh the M4, "except if the A303 be closed for some reason.
" And then: "The Lord will show his displeasure, "and bring forth a great flood upon the county of Somerset "if there be gay marriage.
" And "Any unnatural behaviour that offends the Lord's eye, "he will visit a plague of prolonged drizzle, "and probably a blight on all pasties.
"Cf: The Great Pasty Blight, 1217.
" The thing is, the Bible is all things to all people, and I find it a little bit dull, so what I've done with my Bible is make it into a guitar.
This is a standard King James Bible, which has been beautifully turned into a blues guitar.
So I'll just give you a little demo.
This is the Here we go.
This is the Bible.
PLAYS FAST BLUEGRASS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The scores at the moment: Sean and Jason have 5, Sarah and Jonathan have 12.
And here is your teaser.
The words are FINE NUTS, and the clue is: describes me perfectly.
FINE NUTS, describes me perfectly.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were FINE NUTS, the clue was, "Describes me perfectly.
" It was of course, FUNNIEST.
So, Sarah and Jonathan are in the lead.
OK, time to mix things up a bit, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Sarah.
- So, Sean, it's your turn to choose the letters.
- Okey-dokey.
Can I have a consonant, please? Thank you, Sean.
N And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
T? T.
Nah.
Try again? I'll have a consonant then, please, Rachel.
S Oh, for fuck's sake! All right, a vowel.
E A vowel.
O A consonant.
W And I'll have another consonant, please.
R Another consonant, please.
And last one, B Your time starts now.
MARIACHI MUSIC CHEERING Sean, what have you got? I've got a six.
Got a six.
Sarah? I've got a variety of fives.
OK, let's hear your five, Sarah.
I've got some sevens.
You've got some sevens? This one was just for Oh, you fucker! How could you do that to me? I'm sitting here working away, sweating, I've got a bunch of Mexicans dancing behind me I've got a seven.
I just thought of it but I'd written it down earlier.
Whose handwriting did you write it down in? I channelled it through Jonathan's hand.
I felt something coming.
Come on.
I'll do it properly, I'll do my five.
My five, I have STRAW or BRATS.
Sean, your six? STREWN I have STREWN the floor with rose petals for you to lie on.
Could they have done any better, though? There's one eight, which is BARONETS.
OK, so six points to Sean then.
APPLAUSE OK, so the scores at the moment, Sean and Jason have 11 and Sarah and Jonathan have 12.
Just in the lead.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Jason and Jonathan to go head to head.
So, Jonathan, your turn to choose the numbers.
I always do I would do two big ones Ooh.
Two big 'uns and four 'ickle lickle ones.
Two big ones and four little ones, and this round the four little ones are 1, 10, 5 and 4, and the big ones, 75 and 50.
Oh, it's hard already.
And the target, 980.
And your time starts now.
So the target was 980.
Jonathan, did you get it? No.
How close did you get? I got 955.
OK, that's way out.
Jason, did you get it? I think I've got 980.
This is a fellow with an arts and entertainment degree from Salford, so Do you want to hear it? OK, go on, how'd you do it? 4 - 1 4 - 1 = 3 Do you want to just leave it there? You're right so far.
Do you want to spoil it? x 10 No, sorry, + 10.
Oh, he's already messed it up! + 10 = 13 x 75 x 75 = 975 + 5 Perfect, well done.
Oh, Jason! APPLAUSE You little dancer! So that's 10 points for Jason.
APPLAUSE OK, so Sarah and Jonathan have 12 and Sean and Jason are in the lead with 21.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
Bill, what have you got for us this time? Well, I'm a big fan of travel books and I've got probably one of the classics here.
This is a book called A Short Walk In The Hindu Kush by Eric Newby, written in 1956.
I love it because he goes mountaineering in Afghanistan and he says they took two books with them and one of them was The Hound Of The Baskervilles and the other one was a pamphlet on mountaineering, all right? So they were halfway up a mountain in Afghanistan under fire, there was a storm and they actually got a pamphlet out of their backpack to sort of help them mountaineer and We haven't got the actual one but this is what I think it might have looked like.
Yeah, you see that? And then inside, very careful diagram And And it sort of made me think because I was in Cape Town and I was on the harbour side and you know there's a big thing in South Africa about shark diving and all this? And there was a sign saying, "Cheap shark diving", right? Which I always thought, I don't really fancy a cheap shark diving, you know what I mean? I want the deluxe shark diving.
But I just thought, you know, I'd get my own leaflet together and this is it, it's How To Swim With Sharks.
And I've got my own home-made shark diving cage idea.
It's my own, of my own design.
It's sort of a very simple, cheap shark diving cage.
It's basically there.
It's I get in the wheelie bin, like this.
Right, there we go.
And now, if you could make it shark-proof.
APPLAUSE There we go.
There's no shark getting in here! Rachel, if you close the lid, you could probably take him to your basement.
No shark's getting in here, that's what I'm saying.
You could take a picture, like that "Quick, take a picture! Urgh-ah!" Yeah, it is more dangerous than you think.
Just think, you'll just baffle the sharks, they'll end up thinking, "I'm hungry but I'm not eating that dickhead.
" - How does it float? How does it float? - In the water.
It floats, the wheelie bin It floats.
"The wheelie bin, it floats"? - Well, science - Oh, yeah, fair enough, I'll buy one, then.
I think we better end this bit before you get deep vein thrombosis.
- Yeah - Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Bailey! Yeah, it's ruddy hard to move it.
Shall we just wheel you round to where you normally sit? Yeah, OK, yeah.
Whoa, fucking hell! APPLAUSE Thanks very much.
That's it, just put me down here, put me down here, that's fine.
I'll do the rest of it from in the bin.
OK, the scores at the moment, Sarah and Jonathan have 12 points, Sean and Jason have 21.
And here is your teaser, the words are HOLD NIPS, the clue is - they can do tricks.
That's HOLD NIPS, they can do tricks.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were HOLD NIPS, the clue was - they can do tricks.
It was, of course, DOLPHINS.
OK, before we go on, let's change things up a little bit.
I'm going to give each team an extra player.
So, let's meet them.
It's Roisin Conaty and Jen Steadman.
APPLAUSE Before you choose, I'm going to tell you a little bit about our new players.
OK, so Jen is the greatest ever female player in Countdown history.
- APPLAUSE - BILL: Wow! Roisin is the worst.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jen has had five nine-letter words on Countdown.
Roisin once claimed she had the word NEWS, but there was no W on the board.
OK, Sarah, you get a chance to pick.
Oh, really? Who are you going to pick? Aren't you friends with Roisin? Yeah, I am, but Don't be so hesitant about it! Yeah, Roisin is my friend, but I'd like to win.
Erm Tricky, isn't it? I think Jen and I look quite similar as well.
That might be quite confusing.
I think I'm going to go with Roisin.
Justice! OK, so, Roisin, you're on Sarah's team, and Jen, you're with Sean.
APPLAUSE So, Roisin, what do you think you're going to bring to your team? Erm Impending doom.
A feeling of impending doom.
We've already got that feeling.
You'll just top it up a bit.
I've got faith in you.
I think you're going to turn this round for us.
- Don't - I don't.
I'll break your heart, Jonathan.
I picked her because I love the bare bones of the woman.
I absolutely adore you.
But we're going to fucking die.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER If you were to win, Roisin - and no-one thinks that's going to happen - but if you were to win, what would that mean for you? It would mean a lot.
It would stop the comments on Twitter asking me if English is my first language.
Genuinely.
Or the offers to teach me to read.
Genuine offers from English teachers.
- I can read, Jimmy.
Big words.
- OK.
Well, let's see how you do in the letters game.
We'll reserve judgment on that.
OK.
Well, the words are jumbled in that, so it's harder to read.
So, Jen, you're an ex-Countdown champion.
You don't see any of these clowns as competition, do you? Well, I'm quite relieved Jon Richardson's not here, cos he did once beat me on a round.
- Oh, right.
- Sitting at home.
I was quite upset.
- Who was sat at home? - Me.
- Yeah, was he in your house? - You were sat at home? - I was sat at home.
- He wasn't sat in my home.
Right.
- Or was Jon I thought Jon was skyping you.
He's such a nerd, isn't he? He's got the Countdown set in his attic.
He goes up there.
He's got it all built, the clock and everything.
He's probably up there now going OK, Sarah, Jonathan, Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
I made a present for you in the last ad break.
Can I give you the present, Jimmy? - Yeah! - It's on, like, a nautical theme with the captain and stuff.
Deedle-ee-dee-dee! And, erm, it's a shit in a bottle.
LAUGHTER Can you pass it along? I would I would say, "How did you get that in there?" But I fear I know.
- A shit in a bottle.
- Yes.
That's what they say, a shit in a Oh, it's SHIP, isn't it? Erm Go ahead, pick the letters.
- Roisin, do you want to do it? - OK.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Roisin.
M Oh, yeah.
I need to write them down.
Vowel, please, Rachel.
E Another consonant, please, Rachel.
C Another consonant.
Q A vowel, please, Rachel.
A Another vowel, please.
E - Another vowel, please.
- Oh, God! I Please give us a consonant! And two more consonants, please.
D and S.
OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Sarah, how many letters? One, two, three, four, five I think I've got a seven.
I don't know if it's in the dictionary, but I've definitely got a word which is a seven.
- Ooh.
Jonathan? - I've got sixes.
Sixes.
OK, Roisin? Fours! APPLAUSE Fours? - Very confident.
Sean? - Five.
- Jason? - Yeah, five.
- And Jen? - Bit concerned by Sarah's seven here, but I've got six.
- Ooh.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Mine's probably not a word.
Don't worry, love.
- OK, let's have Roisin's four.
- AIDS.
AIDS as in "helps".
OK, Sean.
What did you get? - DAMES.
- DAMES.
- Jason, your five.
I have MAIDS.
- You had MAIDS.
- Yes.
- OK, Jonathan? - I've got I've got three sixes.
- I've got MEDICS.
I've got DEMISE.
Nice.
- And I've got MEDIAS.
APPLAUSE - Jen, your six? - I had MEDICS as well.
- OK, Sarah? - I've made a mistake.
You've made a mistake? I'd written down a and that's what's in my word.
- Can we just hear, what was your word? - STEAMIE.
I thought it was a Scottish word, but I might be wrong.
Am I wrong? - SCOTTISH ACCENT: Shhhteamie! STEAMIE? - Yeah, like that.
When this came out, it was STEAMIE.
LAUGHTER - Is it a word? - SUSIE: Yeah, it's a washhouse.
There's no T, but I nearly did brilliantly! OK, so six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Susie, Bill, could they have done any better? Er No, they did pretty well, actually.
There was another couple of options.
CEASED, you could have had, or SEAMED.
But they did pretty well.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean, Jason and Jen are in the lead with 27.
APPLAUSE On to another numbers round.
Sean, Jason and Jen, you're to pick the numbers.
Jen, you do it.
Do your thing.
One large, please, Rachel.
One large and five little ones.
Thank you, Jen.
This round is 5, 4, 1, 10, 9 and 100.
And the target, 155.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, it's an easy one here, so really you're just watching Roisin Conaty's face.
- Just look at Roisin.
She's doing it.
- Leave me be! Come on, love! Come on, love.
That's no help at all now, is it? - Is that right? That's not That's right.
- Yes, yes, that's right.
- Have you got? - What? What?! I've got it.
I've got it.
Erm, Roisin, did you get it? - UNCERTAINLY: Yeah.
- LAUGHTER - Jonathan, did you get it? I think so, yeah.
- Sarah? - Yeah.
- Sean? - Yay! - Jason? Jen? OK.
So everyone got it.
So someone's got to do it, erm Roisin! LAUGHTER Roisin, how did you do it? I did, er 10 I'm shaking! 10 x 5 = 50 10 x 5 = 50 50 + 4 + 1 50 + 4 + 1 = 55 - And plus 100.
- 155! Yes! Get in! APPLAUSE OK, so ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment - Sarah, Jonathan and Roisin have 28, Sean, Jason and Jen have 37.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are BONER AID.
The clue is - well polished.
That's BONER AID - well polished.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were BONER AID, the clue was well polished.
It was, of course, DEBONAIR.
Time for our final letters game.
Sean, Jason, Jen, you're to choose the letters.
Jen, you're the expert.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
Thanks, Jen, P.
And another.
And another.
R And a vowel.
O And another.
E And another.
I - And a consonant.
- Yes! V - And another.
- Oh, shit! L And a final consonant, please.
And a final D.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Sean.
APPLAUSE How many? I got a sixSir Jimmy.
- Jen? - Seven.
- Oh! I got a five, if you're bothered.
LAUGHTER Right, Jason.
Thank you for that.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, can you say Salford? Salford.
- Sarah, how many? I have got six, love.
- Jonathan? I'm not sure if they will let me have it but I have got eight.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS - And, Roisin? - Five.
Go on, do one.
OK, Roisin, let's hear your five.
VIDEO WHISTLING Thank you, thank you.
- Jason, your five? - PETROL.
- PETROL's a six.
- Oh, six, it was, yes.
LAUGHTER Jason, that is actually a six but you declared five so you can't have it.
- Yes! - Sean, your six? - REVOLT.
Sarah, your six? - TOILED.
T-O-I-L-E-D.
- Nice! Pretty good.
- Jen, your seven? - PILOTED.
- Oh! - Nice! Little bit of class there from Jen.
APPLAUSE Jonathan Ross with an eight.
Let's hear the eight.
I don't have an eight.
I gave myself an extra E.
I put down PRELIVED but I don't think PRELIVED is even a word, is it? I love the idea.
Even giving myself an extra letter, I still didn't get the eight.
So seven points to Sean's team.
APPLAUSE - Bill, Susie, could they have done any better? - No, that was it.
PILOTED or PIVOTED, that's the other seven you could have had.
- Excellent work.
- Thanks, Bill.
OK, so Sarah, Jonathan and Roisin have 28, Sean, Jason and Jen have 44.
Fingers on buzzers, it is time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
Got it.
BELL MEATBALLS - Oh, yeah.
- Yes.
Let's see if he's right.
APPLAUSE Incredible skills.
Ooh! So the final scores are - Sarah, Jonathan and Roisin have 28 points, but tonight's winners, with 54, Sean, Jason and Jen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of this Countdown slide.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
Jason Manford, here he comes.
LAUGHTER
Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Sarah Millican, Jonathan Ross, Jason Manford, Bill Bailey, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, approximately one new word is added to the English language every two hours.
It's unbecredible! A polyorchid is the technical term for a man with more than two testicles.
Since I hired my new fitness instructor, Diego, I've become a polyorchid.
I've got two testicles in the normal place, and another two in my mouth.
Apparently it's cardio.
And numbers and counting began around 4000BC in Sumeria, when Carol Vorderman went there on holiday.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not saying Sean Lock is downbeat and depressing, but Channel 4 have asked me to announce if you or anyone you know is currently suffering from Sean Lock, there will be a helpline for you to call after the show.
Joining Sean tonight, it's Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jason has a media and performance degree - from the University of Salford, and yet despite that - Jimmy! - What? "Sol-ford".
We've said this before.
CHEERING - What did he say? - He said Sal-ford.
Well, it's spelt S-A-L-F-O-R-D.
It's spelt that way, but it's said, "Sol-ford.
" Do you say "sal-t?" No.
Salt.
There you go.
Thanks, Millican.
APPLAUSE OK.
Jason has a media and performance degree from the University of Salford and yet, despite that, he's done really well for himself.
LAUGHTER Jason Manford is everyone's favourite northern comedian, when Peter Kay is not available.
Up against them this evening, it's our special guest team captain, Sarah Millican! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sarah Millican is standing in for Jon Richardson tonight.
He doesn't mind if she wins or loses but she better leave the desk tidy, or he will go mental.
Sarah is a marvel - she's managed to combine a busy stand-up career with a hectic home life, being Ant and Dec's mum.
LAUGHTER And Sarah's team-mate, Jonathan Ross! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jonathan is a broadcasting legend.
He's fronted more shows than most TV presenters have had hot dinners.
Not Eamonn Holmes, obviously.
LAUGHTER Sarah, now, you're a big fan of the show.
Are you excited to be on this evening? Yeah, I'm thrilled to be here.
OK.
Do you play along at home? Yes, I do.
I do.
It sometimes has weird repercussions, though.
I was once playing the game and then I put me workings-out to the left of me on the sofa and a spider the size of me hand ran across the floor and you know one of those fast ones that you can't go and get a bit of loo roll cos if you come back it'll be gone, so I picked up me workings-out, I hovered it over and I just punched it really hard.
Killed a spider with maths! You punched a spider to death? Yeah, is that Oh, is that not good? LAUGHTER Now, Jonathan, you're never lost for words.
Have you ever been lost for words in your whole life? I That'll do.
Brilliant.
Last time you were on the show, you got two eight-letter words and the conundrum.
Did I get two eight-letter words? - Yes.
Are you feeling the pressure this evening? - Yeah.
I'm competitive.
- I want to win.
I want us to win.
- Yes.
In the memory of Jon, because LAUGHTER - It's worth mentioning, Jon might not be dead.
- Yeah.
Jon is, and obviously I'm sure you're going to be as great, but Jon is fiercely competitive and he knows I could tell even though I got the eight-letter ones, I knew he knew them in advance.
He gave off this sort of aura.
He is like a kind of Jedi Knight for this game.
I think he was sending his thoughts into me.
I think I was merely a puppet for his desires.
LAUGHTER Now, Jason, last time you were on the show, you didn't score a single point.
LAUGHTER Have you done anything to hone your Countdown skills since then? Not really, no.
I mean I've watched it.
The proper one, not this bullshit.
Now, your last tour you talked about first world problems.
- That was the name of the tour, was it? - It was, yeah.
Have you got any examples of first world problems from the tour? Mine were just like the typical things that bothered me, like, it was family-based, really.
My brother was always moaning about them and he sort of inspired it because there was one where we were having dinner together and halfway through, he looked really disappointed.
I said, "what's wrong with you?" He said, "I was saving the best bit of my dinner until the end "and now I'm too full to eat it.
" I mean What a selfish bastard.
Sean, are you worried about Sarah this evening as competition? - Do you think she's going to beat you? - No, no I don't know.
It's difficult.
She's taken Jon's place, which are very small shoes to fill.
Literally, tiny feet.
You haven't seen his feet.
More like little hooves.
You know the way people say, "Oh, bumblebees shouldn't be able to fly," but if you've seen Jon's feet, you go, "How does he walk?" No, I think it will be interesting playing Sarah.
I think I've got a chance.
Jon is ridiculously good at the game.
OK, Sean, if you were Prime Minister, what would you do? What would I do? What's the first thing you'd do - if you were in charge? - Um Well, after I'd had a cup of tea and looked out of the window and smiled in a satisfied, smug way to myself for fulfilling my destiny, I would change the law so that anyone who'd got PPI compensation had to return it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sean, have you got a mascot this evening? Did you bring anything with you? I did, Jimmy.
I think it's very appropriate with the cold snap, and it's this lovely book called A Gritter's Tale.
It's a selection of true stories from the front line of the fellows who grit our roads and keep this country moving, and just to sort of keep in the theme of it, I thought I'd put this on to read some of these lovely tales.
This one's from Alan in Pontefract.
"When we left the depot, the yard was full of grit.
"We did one run and I don't know how many lorries were out that night, "but I'd say when we got back, a good eighth of that grit was gone.
" LAUGHTER But my favourite bits are behind the scenes, stuff you wouldn't really think.
It's amazing, right, how many amorous adventures these fellas have.
There's a lot of women drawn to the gritters.
They call them grit chicks.
LAUGHTER And there's one very interesting tale here, where is it here? It's about a fella who realised his wife was having an affair with a gritter, partly because there was a big grit lorry parked outside his house LAUGHTER .
.
but also, he kept wondering why his bed was sandy.
And it's just full of lovely tales, stories like that.
OK.
Jason, did you bring a mascot today? - I did, yes.
- What have you got? Well, I just had another child, another baby.
- Another child? - Another one, yes.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
And SEAN LAUGHS She's She's adorable, and I don't usually show pictures of my children but I just wanted to show LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So She's got my stubble, which is quite cute.
And my eyebrows.
I'm just assuming from that it was a difficult birth.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
THEY GIGGLE Beautiful.
Shall I just put Yeah, just leave it there.
Sarah, do you have a mascot? Yes, I do.
This is my first time ever of being a captain, in any time of my life and I'm very excited, but the only captain I really warmed to and respect is Captain Birdseye.
So I thought I'd dress as him for inspiration, so I've gotthe hat.
Oh, yeah, classic.
Do you want to put the beard on before the hat? Have you done this before? I've done this a lot.
The reason I need the fake one is because mine's a bit uneven.
Does that look all right? I'm suddenly finding you very hard to resist, I'll be honest.
WOLF-WHISTLING Thanks.
Don't resist, love.
Go for it.
- If you could grow a beard, a long beard - Yeah.
Would you like to grow a big, long beard? No, because it's like a part-time job trying to pluck my 'tache.
That is a fantastic look for you.
Thanks.
Jonathan, do you have a mascot? Well, at the moment, I am home alone.
My wife has not been with me for over two weeks now, my wife and daughter, because she's out in Toronto.
My daughter is doing some work experience and she's out there.
- Doing work experience in Toronto? - Yes.
I did it at Kwik-Fit.
I've been having some great experiences.
Some things are planned, some aren't, and obviously I've been drinking more than I usually would just to take away the sting of loneliness.
A week ago, I came home and there was a box in the hallway that had been delivered while I was out.
I didn't know what it was and I started opening it up.
Got it out of the box, and only when I got it out, I realised it was the night I was watching Kill Bill at home, this is true, watching Kill Bill on my own, and after it finished, I decided I had to have the samurai sword from Kill Bill.
And that was what was waiting for me when I got home, - and it's so sharp I'm not allowed to get it out in the studio.
- Really? Yeah.
It's proper sharp.
All I've used it so far is cutting up apples, but I keep it in the kitchen cos that's where we keep the knives but my wife, I don't know what she'll think when she comes home.
Where could you get a really massive knife block? And just slide it in and see if she notices.
Or a stone in the garden and pretend I'm King Arthur.
It's a hell of a sword.
OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, we have Bill Bailey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Comedian Bill Bailey was first discovered in 1984, at the end of a rainbow, sitting on a pot of gold.
Bill, you're from Somerset.
What's your favourite West Country phrase? Favourite is the one where you go, "That badger belongs to Brian May!" LAUGHTER I imagine that comes up a lot.
It does, actually, yes.
Now, obviously, you're known for being a musical genius.
Have you got anything to get us in the mood for Countdown? Well, I've provided, the Countdown staff have provided me with this magnificent piece of equipment, which has now stopped working.
Basically, it's a drum.
Er # Da-da-da, da-da-da-da Da-da-da! Da-daddle-da-da There we go.
Hold on, there's a plug Hang on, wait a minute.
Let's put that in there.
That's it.
Now.
Now you've got it working, give us something to get us in the mood for Countdown.
- OK.
I was going to actually just attempt the Countdown theme in the jazz idiom.
- Ooh.
- Cos it's a sort of HE PLAYS JAZZY COUNTDOWN THEME It's got a sort of nice feel to it.
Oh, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And with Bill, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie became Countdown's resident lexicographer in 2003.
There were others before, but weirdly one of them died in a fire, one disappeared out jogging, and one of them choked to death in a freak accident.
I guess they didn't obey the first rule of Countdown - "You don't fuck with Susie Dent.
" LAUGHTER Susie, what's the hardest word in the English language to pronounce? OK, I'm not going to look at Jonathan for this one.
Erm, the hardest LAUGHTER - Sorry.
- Anything with an R.
Start with Fewwawi and work your way up.
You know what's a real bitch at Christmas? Fewwewo Those ones.
LAUGHTER I love them, I can't eat them.
I have to say I call them If they ask, "Do you want any chocolate?" I say, "Give me some of those ambassador ones.
" Erm, the ones that people get wrong are things like, erm, "mischievious", they say, or "pacifically".
- Arrgh.
- That's not good.
"Espresso", "prerogative", they're You've got to give us the right one and the wrong one, otherwise I don't know if these are wrong or right.
If you wanted a bit of coffee in a tiny, tiny cup, what would you ask for? - Expresso.
- It's espresso.
Espresso.
- Espresso? - Yeah.
You want it quickly, it's expresso.
OK, in charge of the numbers, we've got Rachel Riley! Rachel Riley appeared on Strictly, where she proved she's not only nearly as clever as Stephen Hawking, she's almost as good at dancing.
LAUGHTER Rachel, last time Bill Bailey was on the show you revealed you've actually got a bit of a crush on Bill.
Do you think you'll to be able to keep your emotions in check this evening? I kind of lost the power of speech last time Bill was on.
And as soon as my producer found out he was on again, he actually sent me an e-mail and told me not to disgrace or embarrass myself again.
And my mum actually got me Bill tickets for my birthday, so I've got an incentive not to get a restraining order before October.
LAUGHTER - You've got tickets to see Bill in October? - Yeah, I'm What, in a theatre or just in the house? LAUGHTER Well, I'll be there.
It's weird, because if you saw both their pictures, like, on the telly, and said which one's stalking which LAUGHTER We'll do that.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for this evening - this Countdown Slide.
- Are you going to have a little slide? Going to demo? - Come on.
I will actually have that slide.
Like, if we do win it.
I know you sort of do it like, "Oh, we've got a daft prize," but I will actually We were just saying the same thing.
I will actually have it.
- So the game is on.
- Cos that young man's quite slim, is there, like Like, if you're too wide, you can't get on.
Would I get stuck at the top, is what I'm asking.
Well, if you win tonight we will find out.
If we win, I'll buy another one for you and you can put one cheek in each and go down like that.
And I'll be waiting to catch Captain Birdseye.
I might take me beard off now, you've made us all freaked out.
- That looks like you've got a really hairy chest now.
- I'll take it off.
Before we start, erm, me ping's just gone off in the oven and I've prepared a snack for everybody, just in case anybody wants one of those.
I'll put them down here in case you want one, but don't be too greedy, Jimmy, because you know three fingers is enough for anyone.
LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sarah and Jonathan, you get first pick of the letters.
OK, do you want to No, I think Captain goes first.
- You're first time captain, enjoy the moment.
- OK, hi, Rachel.
- Hi.
- Can I have a vowel, please, love? Thank you.
Start with I.
And another vowel, please.
E And a consonant, please.
R And another consonant, please.
H And a vowel, please.
A And another vowel, please.
- U.
- And the rest consonants, please, love.
And C and L and the last one, G.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
LAUGHTER SQUEAKY VOICE: Sean, what have you got? LAUGHTER How many? IMITATING SQUEAKY VOICE: Five.
HE LAUGHS My laugh's exactly the same.
Jason, how many have you got? - Five.
- OK.
Sarah? I thought I had six but I've done it wrong.
So, er, none.
OK, so you got six but it's wrong.
Jonathan? I got five.
Let's kick off with your five.
What have you got? GLARE.
G-L-A-R-E.
OK.
Jason.
I've got CHAIR.
Ooh, very good.
LAUGHTER I know you're taking the piss, but I'm actually proud of myself.
Sean, what have you got? REGAL Ooh, REGAL.
You know, the fags.
LAUGHTER Ahh.
Sarah, what's your six? Erm, it was AERIAL, but there's not enough As in it, so so I've got a four of CHUG.
Wow.
- I've got a seven, but I think it's wrong.
Shall I offer it up? - Yeah.
It's too late, it's too late.
Now I think it might be right.
Whoa, I'll adjudicate on this.
No, you won't, there's rules.
- So what was your seven? - I think I did need two As as well.
I had GLACIER.
G-L-A-C-I-E-R - But I think it's an A at the end as well, isn't it? - No, perfect.
That would have been great.
But you just didn't quite have the cojones to declare it.
Shame.
GLACIER.
You're not allowed GLACIER because you declared it too late.
Why did you hold out false hope and let me give it out and then now you're listening to old cut-price Dumbledore with his bobble hat over there? OK, so five points to both teams.
Bill, I noticed you glaring at the dictionary there.
Could they have done any better? Well, we've got a seven.
We've got AURICLE.
Spelled AURICLE.
Which is the bone in the ear, I believe.
It can be, it can be your earlobe.
And yours is huge.
Yeah, I've got massive earlobes.
Susie, I wouldn't touch him too much, because Rachel will be over there with her fucking claws out.
So at the end of that, both teams have five points.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Sean, Jason, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top and five - Or whatever it is, I can never remember.
- Four - Some others.
- Two from the top and some other ones.
- Thanks.
Four little ones.
Right, they are 2, 4, 5 and 6, and the big ones, 100 and 50.
And the target, 836.
And your time starts now.
So the target was 836.
How did you do? Did you get it, Sean? - Er, no.
- Jason, did you get it? - 830.
830, OK, close.
Sarah, did you get it? 838? 838.
Even closer.
- Jonathan? - I got 830.
- 830.
OK.
Sarah, you were closest.
How did you do it? 5 + 4 = 9 9 x 100 900 - 50 2 x 6 = 12 So take that away.
Yeah, 838.
Well done.
- Very nice.
- Nicely done.
APPLAUSE Seven points for Sarah there.
Rachel, could it be done? Yes.
Quite a hard one.
If you say 100 + 50 2 x 5 = 10 150 - 10 = 140 140 x 6 = 840 And take away the four for 836.
Wow.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner for the first time.
Bill, what have you got for us? Well, I've been looking in the archives.
I found this old Bible.
It's an old Holy Bible, and it's a West Country Bible.
And I found a new chapter.
The Book of Worzel.
And there's a few West Country commandments.
There's this one: "Thou shalt not taketh the M4, "except if the A303 be closed for some reason.
" And then: "The Lord will show his displeasure, "and bring forth a great flood upon the county of Somerset "if there be gay marriage.
" And "Any unnatural behaviour that offends the Lord's eye, "he will visit a plague of prolonged drizzle, "and probably a blight on all pasties.
"Cf: The Great Pasty Blight, 1217.
" The thing is, the Bible is all things to all people, and I find it a little bit dull, so what I've done with my Bible is make it into a guitar.
This is a standard King James Bible, which has been beautifully turned into a blues guitar.
So I'll just give you a little demo.
This is the Here we go.
This is the Bible.
PLAYS FAST BLUEGRASS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The scores at the moment: Sean and Jason have 5, Sarah and Jonathan have 12.
And here is your teaser.
The words are FINE NUTS, and the clue is: describes me perfectly.
FINE NUTS, describes me perfectly.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were FINE NUTS, the clue was, "Describes me perfectly.
" It was of course, FUNNIEST.
So, Sarah and Jonathan are in the lead.
OK, time to mix things up a bit, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Sean and Sarah.
- So, Sean, it's your turn to choose the letters.
- Okey-dokey.
Can I have a consonant, please? Thank you, Sean.
N And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
T? T.
Nah.
Try again? I'll have a consonant then, please, Rachel.
S Oh, for fuck's sake! All right, a vowel.
E A vowel.
O A consonant.
W And I'll have another consonant, please.
R Another consonant, please.
And last one, B Your time starts now.
MARIACHI MUSIC CHEERING Sean, what have you got? I've got a six.
Got a six.
Sarah? I've got a variety of fives.
OK, let's hear your five, Sarah.
I've got some sevens.
You've got some sevens? This one was just for Oh, you fucker! How could you do that to me? I'm sitting here working away, sweating, I've got a bunch of Mexicans dancing behind me I've got a seven.
I just thought of it but I'd written it down earlier.
Whose handwriting did you write it down in? I channelled it through Jonathan's hand.
I felt something coming.
Come on.
I'll do it properly, I'll do my five.
My five, I have STRAW or BRATS.
Sean, your six? STREWN I have STREWN the floor with rose petals for you to lie on.
Could they have done any better, though? There's one eight, which is BARONETS.
OK, so six points to Sean then.
APPLAUSE OK, so the scores at the moment, Sean and Jason have 11 and Sarah and Jonathan have 12.
Just in the lead.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Jason and Jonathan to go head to head.
So, Jonathan, your turn to choose the numbers.
I always do I would do two big ones Ooh.
Two big 'uns and four 'ickle lickle ones.
Two big ones and four little ones, and this round the four little ones are 1, 10, 5 and 4, and the big ones, 75 and 50.
Oh, it's hard already.
And the target, 980.
And your time starts now.
So the target was 980.
Jonathan, did you get it? No.
How close did you get? I got 955.
OK, that's way out.
Jason, did you get it? I think I've got 980.
This is a fellow with an arts and entertainment degree from Salford, so Do you want to hear it? OK, go on, how'd you do it? 4 - 1 4 - 1 = 3 Do you want to just leave it there? You're right so far.
Do you want to spoil it? x 10 No, sorry, + 10.
Oh, he's already messed it up! + 10 = 13 x 75 x 75 = 975 + 5 Perfect, well done.
Oh, Jason! APPLAUSE You little dancer! So that's 10 points for Jason.
APPLAUSE OK, so Sarah and Jonathan have 12 and Sean and Jason are in the lead with 21.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
Bill, what have you got for us this time? Well, I'm a big fan of travel books and I've got probably one of the classics here.
This is a book called A Short Walk In The Hindu Kush by Eric Newby, written in 1956.
I love it because he goes mountaineering in Afghanistan and he says they took two books with them and one of them was The Hound Of The Baskervilles and the other one was a pamphlet on mountaineering, all right? So they were halfway up a mountain in Afghanistan under fire, there was a storm and they actually got a pamphlet out of their backpack to sort of help them mountaineer and We haven't got the actual one but this is what I think it might have looked like.
Yeah, you see that? And then inside, very careful diagram And And it sort of made me think because I was in Cape Town and I was on the harbour side and you know there's a big thing in South Africa about shark diving and all this? And there was a sign saying, "Cheap shark diving", right? Which I always thought, I don't really fancy a cheap shark diving, you know what I mean? I want the deluxe shark diving.
But I just thought, you know, I'd get my own leaflet together and this is it, it's How To Swim With Sharks.
And I've got my own home-made shark diving cage idea.
It's my own, of my own design.
It's sort of a very simple, cheap shark diving cage.
It's basically there.
It's I get in the wheelie bin, like this.
Right, there we go.
And now, if you could make it shark-proof.
APPLAUSE There we go.
There's no shark getting in here! Rachel, if you close the lid, you could probably take him to your basement.
No shark's getting in here, that's what I'm saying.
You could take a picture, like that "Quick, take a picture! Urgh-ah!" Yeah, it is more dangerous than you think.
Just think, you'll just baffle the sharks, they'll end up thinking, "I'm hungry but I'm not eating that dickhead.
" - How does it float? How does it float? - In the water.
It floats, the wheelie bin It floats.
"The wheelie bin, it floats"? - Well, science - Oh, yeah, fair enough, I'll buy one, then.
I think we better end this bit before you get deep vein thrombosis.
- Yeah - Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Bailey! Yeah, it's ruddy hard to move it.
Shall we just wheel you round to where you normally sit? Yeah, OK, yeah.
Whoa, fucking hell! APPLAUSE Thanks very much.
That's it, just put me down here, put me down here, that's fine.
I'll do the rest of it from in the bin.
OK, the scores at the moment, Sarah and Jonathan have 12 points, Sean and Jason have 21.
And here is your teaser, the words are HOLD NIPS, the clue is - they can do tricks.
That's HOLD NIPS, they can do tricks.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were HOLD NIPS, the clue was - they can do tricks.
It was, of course, DOLPHINS.
OK, before we go on, let's change things up a little bit.
I'm going to give each team an extra player.
So, let's meet them.
It's Roisin Conaty and Jen Steadman.
APPLAUSE Before you choose, I'm going to tell you a little bit about our new players.
OK, so Jen is the greatest ever female player in Countdown history.
- APPLAUSE - BILL: Wow! Roisin is the worst.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jen has had five nine-letter words on Countdown.
Roisin once claimed she had the word NEWS, but there was no W on the board.
OK, Sarah, you get a chance to pick.
Oh, really? Who are you going to pick? Aren't you friends with Roisin? Yeah, I am, but Don't be so hesitant about it! Yeah, Roisin is my friend, but I'd like to win.
Erm Tricky, isn't it? I think Jen and I look quite similar as well.
That might be quite confusing.
I think I'm going to go with Roisin.
Justice! OK, so, Roisin, you're on Sarah's team, and Jen, you're with Sean.
APPLAUSE So, Roisin, what do you think you're going to bring to your team? Erm Impending doom.
A feeling of impending doom.
We've already got that feeling.
You'll just top it up a bit.
I've got faith in you.
I think you're going to turn this round for us.
- Don't - I don't.
I'll break your heart, Jonathan.
I picked her because I love the bare bones of the woman.
I absolutely adore you.
But we're going to fucking die.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER If you were to win, Roisin - and no-one thinks that's going to happen - but if you were to win, what would that mean for you? It would mean a lot.
It would stop the comments on Twitter asking me if English is my first language.
Genuinely.
Or the offers to teach me to read.
Genuine offers from English teachers.
- I can read, Jimmy.
Big words.
- OK.
Well, let's see how you do in the letters game.
We'll reserve judgment on that.
OK.
Well, the words are jumbled in that, so it's harder to read.
So, Jen, you're an ex-Countdown champion.
You don't see any of these clowns as competition, do you? Well, I'm quite relieved Jon Richardson's not here, cos he did once beat me on a round.
- Oh, right.
- Sitting at home.
I was quite upset.
- Who was sat at home? - Me.
- Yeah, was he in your house? - You were sat at home? - I was sat at home.
- He wasn't sat in my home.
Right.
- Or was Jon I thought Jon was skyping you.
He's such a nerd, isn't he? He's got the Countdown set in his attic.
He goes up there.
He's got it all built, the clock and everything.
He's probably up there now going OK, Sarah, Jonathan, Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
I made a present for you in the last ad break.
Can I give you the present, Jimmy? - Yeah! - It's on, like, a nautical theme with the captain and stuff.
Deedle-ee-dee-dee! And, erm, it's a shit in a bottle.
LAUGHTER Can you pass it along? I would I would say, "How did you get that in there?" But I fear I know.
- A shit in a bottle.
- Yes.
That's what they say, a shit in a Oh, it's SHIP, isn't it? Erm Go ahead, pick the letters.
- Roisin, do you want to do it? - OK.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Roisin.
M Oh, yeah.
I need to write them down.
Vowel, please, Rachel.
E Another consonant, please, Rachel.
C Another consonant.
Q A vowel, please, Rachel.
A Another vowel, please.
E - Another vowel, please.
- Oh, God! I Please give us a consonant! And two more consonants, please.
D and S.
OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Sarah, how many letters? One, two, three, four, five I think I've got a seven.
I don't know if it's in the dictionary, but I've definitely got a word which is a seven.
- Ooh.
Jonathan? - I've got sixes.
Sixes.
OK, Roisin? Fours! APPLAUSE Fours? - Very confident.
Sean? - Five.
- Jason? - Yeah, five.
- And Jen? - Bit concerned by Sarah's seven here, but I've got six.
- Ooh.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Mine's probably not a word.
Don't worry, love.
- OK, let's have Roisin's four.
- AIDS.
AIDS as in "helps".
OK, Sean.
What did you get? - DAMES.
- DAMES.
- Jason, your five.
I have MAIDS.
- You had MAIDS.
- Yes.
- OK, Jonathan? - I've got I've got three sixes.
- I've got MEDICS.
I've got DEMISE.
Nice.
- And I've got MEDIAS.
APPLAUSE - Jen, your six? - I had MEDICS as well.
- OK, Sarah? - I've made a mistake.
You've made a mistake? I'd written down a and that's what's in my word.
- Can we just hear, what was your word? - STEAMIE.
I thought it was a Scottish word, but I might be wrong.
Am I wrong? - SCOTTISH ACCENT: Shhhteamie! STEAMIE? - Yeah, like that.
When this came out, it was STEAMIE.
LAUGHTER - Is it a word? - SUSIE: Yeah, it's a washhouse.
There's no T, but I nearly did brilliantly! OK, so six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Susie, Bill, could they have done any better? Er No, they did pretty well, actually.
There was another couple of options.
CEASED, you could have had, or SEAMED.
But they did pretty well.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean, Jason and Jen are in the lead with 27.
APPLAUSE On to another numbers round.
Sean, Jason and Jen, you're to pick the numbers.
Jen, you do it.
Do your thing.
One large, please, Rachel.
One large and five little ones.
Thank you, Jen.
This round is 5, 4, 1, 10, 9 and 100.
And the target, 155.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, it's an easy one here, so really you're just watching Roisin Conaty's face.
- Just look at Roisin.
She's doing it.
- Leave me be! Come on, love! Come on, love.
That's no help at all now, is it? - Is that right? That's not That's right.
- Yes, yes, that's right.
- Have you got? - What? What?! I've got it.
I've got it.
Erm, Roisin, did you get it? - UNCERTAINLY: Yeah.
- LAUGHTER - Jonathan, did you get it? I think so, yeah.
- Sarah? - Yeah.
- Sean? - Yay! - Jason? Jen? OK.
So everyone got it.
So someone's got to do it, erm Roisin! LAUGHTER Roisin, how did you do it? I did, er 10 I'm shaking! 10 x 5 = 50 10 x 5 = 50 50 + 4 + 1 50 + 4 + 1 = 55 - And plus 100.
- 155! Yes! Get in! APPLAUSE OK, so ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE The scores at the moment - Sarah, Jonathan and Roisin have 28, Sean, Jason and Jen have 37.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are BONER AID.
The clue is - well polished.
That's BONER AID - well polished.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were BONER AID, the clue was well polished.
It was, of course, DEBONAIR.
Time for our final letters game.
Sean, Jason, Jen, you're to choose the letters.
Jen, you're the expert.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
Thanks, Jen, P.
And another.
And another.
R And a vowel.
O And another.
E And another.
I - And a consonant.
- Yes! V - And another.
- Oh, shit! L And a final consonant, please.
And a final D.
Your time starts now.
LAUGHTER Sean.
APPLAUSE How many? I got a sixSir Jimmy.
- Jen? - Seven.
- Oh! I got a five, if you're bothered.
LAUGHTER Right, Jason.
Thank you for that.
Jimmy.
Jimmy, can you say Salford? Salford.
- Sarah, how many? I have got six, love.
- Jonathan? I'm not sure if they will let me have it but I have got eight.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS - And, Roisin? - Five.
Go on, do one.
OK, Roisin, let's hear your five.
VIDEO WHISTLING Thank you, thank you.
- Jason, your five? - PETROL.
- PETROL's a six.
- Oh, six, it was, yes.
LAUGHTER Jason, that is actually a six but you declared five so you can't have it.
- Yes! - Sean, your six? - REVOLT.
Sarah, your six? - TOILED.
T-O-I-L-E-D.
- Nice! Pretty good.
- Jen, your seven? - PILOTED.
- Oh! - Nice! Little bit of class there from Jen.
APPLAUSE Jonathan Ross with an eight.
Let's hear the eight.
I don't have an eight.
I gave myself an extra E.
I put down PRELIVED but I don't think PRELIVED is even a word, is it? I love the idea.
Even giving myself an extra letter, I still didn't get the eight.
So seven points to Sean's team.
APPLAUSE - Bill, Susie, could they have done any better? - No, that was it.
PILOTED or PIVOTED, that's the other seven you could have had.
- Excellent work.
- Thanks, Bill.
OK, so Sarah, Jonathan and Roisin have 28, Sean, Jason and Jen have 44.
Fingers on buzzers, it is time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
Got it.
BELL MEATBALLS - Oh, yeah.
- Yes.
Let's see if he's right.
APPLAUSE Incredible skills.
Ooh! So the final scores are - Sarah, Jonathan and Roisin have 28 points, but tonight's winners, with 54, Sean, Jason and Jen.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of this Countdown slide.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
Jason Manford, here he comes.
LAUGHTER