8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s06e18 Episode Script
Christmas Special
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Johnny Vegas, Katherine Ryan, David O'Doherty, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown festive special, a show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
Did you know, for example, some people use slang names for Christmas like Xmas, Crimbo and Chrismizzle.
I don't approve.
It's very disrespectful to Jeezy H Chreezy.
The Christmas shopping season beginning earlier each year is known as Christmas creep.
Christmas creep is also the name for the guy at the office party who wears mistletoe hanging from his belt.
And the first carol ever heard was in 1582, when she said, "Welcome to Countdown!" Right, let's get started! APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jon recently got married.
I think Jon's wife had second thoughts, because on the wedding list Jon put silver cutlery and a toaster, and she put a canoe and a book about faking your own death.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Katherine Ryan.
APPLAUSE Katherine Ryan presents the BBC Two show Hair, which searches for Britain's best hairdresser.
If you really want a challenge on that show, you should invite Sean on.
I don't like that joke.
Don't like the cut of that joke.
- You invented the - Yeah, the .
.
finger fringe.
HE HUFFS Can you have those curled or straightened or anything? You can have any hairstyle you want, Jimmy.
Centre parting Then just Perm! Put a Marigold glove on - you're a blond.
OK.
Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE Sean headlined the Altitude Comedy Festival, which took place in an Austrian ski resort earlier this year.
Cold and decidedly frosty was how the other comics described him.
And joining Sean tonight, Johnny Vegas.
APPLAUSE Earlier this year Johnny became a father again.
At 7lbs and 2oz, the sandwich Johnny ate while his wife gave birth was bacon, sausage and tomato.
Sean, what's on your wish list this Christmas? Well, it's usually the same things - world peace or socks.
No, I'll tell you what I'd really like.
I saw a chocolate fountain at a party.
I thought, I'd like one of those, but brown sauce.
In the hallway, as you come in, just brown sauce coming out and then there's like, a moat of saveloys.
OK.
If you could go back in time, Johnny, and talk to yourself age 15, what advice would you give yourself? Oh.
Er Put down the Christmas cake if you ever want to see your penis again without the use of a mirror.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Don't take Hungry Hippos on as a life plan.
It's a game designed for family fun.
You don't want to be there 15 years later, lying on a table demanding that a waiter smacks your arse.
OK.
Congratulations are due to you, Jon, because you were - for the second year in a row - on the Heat's Weird Crush list.
You came second.
I can't see what's so weird about it! It's the face and tiny body.
I've been there.
I've been on them lists, Jon.
And what actually appeals to women is that there's lots about you that they'd like to change.
And you won't let them.
Yeah, Jon's a fixer-upper.
You're a knock-down, rebuild, come on.
If this was Homes Under The Hammer, I'm just a bit of wasteland whereas you you're a miserable cottage in Yorkshire.
- Oh, bless.
Katherine, you recently hosted the BBC Two show Hair.
- Yeah.
- What do you make of Jon's hair? - I love Jon's hair.
I mean, on Hair, we had models that had really long beards and really long, long, long hair, so we wouldn't be able to do a lot with Jon.
But, I mean Unless you charge less than eight quid, I'm not that bothered anyway.
That's what I'm paying these days.
I slip her a tenner, I only take a pound back.
I'm doing all right.
I bet that's 100% true! Have you got a mascot, Jon? Yes, I have.
It's more of a message, a Christmas message.
As we know, it's Christmas time and that means 80,000 people will be hospitalised over Christmas with festive disasters.
So, erm, I'm here to preach a message of safety.
I've released an Advent calendar with fire safety doors.
They can only be opened from the inside.
I'll be honest, that's not gone very well.
It's not about safety just for people - what is the safest thing for this guy to do over Christmas? Obviously not get his throat cut and have an onion shoved up his arse.
So I've prepared a delicious vegetarian feast that everyone can enjoy.
- I made this yesterday.
- Wow! This is a lentil roast That looks so disappointing.
- I've got some forks here - I'll be all right, cheers.
I'd rather use the fork in my eye.
If I have to taste I think we're going to have to explain to Johnny's heart what this kind of food is.
So Johnny, I mean, this will just run through your arteries, it won't just stay there.
Yeah, but then how will I feel the disco beat?! Boom, bam, boom, bam, bam! Oh Not many people have a fun way to talk about heart attacks, but Johnny Vegas, yeah.
Of course, a festive treat is pigs in blankets, and what I've got here is some vegetarian sausages wrapped in vegetarian bacon.
Or as I call them, quigs in quankets.
Can I try a quigs in quanket? Have a quig in a quanket, mate.
- So this is vegetarian sausage.
.
- Mmm, yeah! - .
.
in vegetarian bacon.
- This is - Stabbed into the head of a moose.
That's not vegetarian.
And you don't seem to be making many sort of I can't hear many, like, "Mmm!" Basically, that food is the food equivalent of a bus replacement service.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's rubbish! Everyone complains about turkey, and the minute you give them something else suddenly you're an eco-twat.
- Katherine, have you got a mascot? - I have.
I brought this big idiot deer.
- Well, that's certainly Christmassy.
- Well But it's not Christmassy in my house.
Anything with a face gets adopted by my daughter and she refuses to put it away for the remainder of the year.
So this deer is in my life.
Just living around the house.
I keep trying to be like, "Santa needs it back.
Father Christmas" She's like, "No.
It's mine.
" This is why I'm converting to Judaism.
The Jewish people, they don't hang on to tat! Do they? No bacon in the house.
Prawns, decorations, foreskins, it's all out of there.
- OK.
Johnny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
I've got a brilliant mascot! And it ain't meaty, but it shits all over your veggie option.
It's a Raleigh Chopper! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.
That is a.
.
The ultimate.
Look at that.
Mint condition.
Who didn't want one of them for Christmas? Would you care to demonstrate by riding around the desk - and jumping off the end? - Course I would.
I'm looking for a way to have an accident and never have to work again.
- This is I mean - Oh, come on I know, but look at this! There's ladies in the audience who didn't think much of me early on.
But see me on Christmas Day, you'll be going, "You know what? "He's like an onion.
"I want to peel him.
" HE HUMS Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple It's .
.
Chop-tastic! KATHERINE: Johnny, look! You can be a real Santa.
I nearly pressed the front brake, I'd have gone right over the top.
Johnny, you can be the real Santa.
You hold this Put him on the front.
He'll be, like, in the way.
Right, there you go.
That's it.
DAVID: Johnny! Johnny, wait! We need a new kind of Christmas carol for this.
Look at the stress that back tyre is under.
- CRACK! - AUDIENCE: Ooh! Health and safety can suck my dick! Santa's here with a brand-new schtick.
No, get on the back.
Go on, we can do it.
SEAN: You've just turned this into Last Of The Summer Wine.
I tell you what, stand on there - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Right, ready? - Yes! - Do you remember the fun just before the accident? This is it.
- Wow.
- Go on, have a go yourself.
What a spectacle! It's weird, though, David, cos I don't associate elves Ooh! You're going too fast! I bet if you saw a kid doing that in the street you wouldn't go Imagine if every time a kid did a skid, everyone went, "Oooh!" Hang on.
Sorry, can I have a minute? DOES IT LOOK LIKE A BMX?! LAUGHTER It's not designed for bunny hops! You've buckled the wheels now! Ruined me Christmas.
Well done! Some kind of elf YOU are.
APPLAUSE - OK.
Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
- What have you got? I've got a range of gifts that I'm marketing this Christmas.
We all know there's a big market for ethical Christmas presents.
Well, I've gone for unethical Christmas presents.
So, for example, for Jon, I've got some tuna-friendly dolphin there.
Thank you.
I notice from the logo here that it's Fairtrade.
Yes.
To be fair, it's very important to me that everybody makes loads of cash out of this.
And here I've got these headphones which are made from little baby turtles.
- There you go.
They're for you.
- Thank you.
- What a wonderful gift.
- What else have I got here? Oh, I've got this.
But, er LAUGHTER - And then on the back - "I love fracking", and then? There you go.
You can wear that over there.
There's a Top Gear DVD.
That's pretty unethical.
And one of the things you can get people for Christmas, you can buy, like, a goat for an impoverished village somewhere in the world.
I thought, much better idea - get them a greyhound.
And then maybe they can open up a race track, and get a betting shop that serves alcohol as well so they can really enjoy their lives.
- Just like we do.
- APPLAUSE OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE I suppose, first things first, I don't associate leprechauns with Christmas.
Why are you dressed like that? Just so everyone knows, leprechauns are quite offensive to a lot of Irish people because they represent stereotypes.
You realise you're saying this while wearing that, yeah? It's a different hat.
If it was like, a top hat, then that might work.
If it was a pure red hat, I'd be a gnome.
There's a subtle difference between the different slightly magical creatures going on here.
That's all well and good, but just tell us where your gold is buried.
Oh, for fuck's sake! OK.
And with David, of course, Susie Dent! APPLAUSE Susie used to live in Berlin.
She was so boring, they considered putting the wall back up.
Susie, you've got a lovely voice.
Have you ever been asked to do any voiceover work? I did supply an "Mmm" for a German chocolate ad once.
- I just went, "Mmm!" - Really? - Yeah.
They said they wanted an English accent.
My brother does voiceovers.
He's an actor and he does voiceovers occasionally.
And when he got his first ever computer, he put in the CD-ROM disc about how it works, and it was his own voice explaining to him how a computer works.
And he had no memory of recording it.
But when the voice went, he thought this was the technology.
It could just speak to you in your own voice.
OK,.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel, if you were buying everyone here Christmas gifts, what would you get us? Well, I'd probably get Sean a bottle of whisky.
Standard.
Jon Erm, Dustbuster.
I mean, he's probably got one.
He would probably just use that to clean his other Dustbuster.
And I'd get you a long trench coat, night-vision goggles.
No questions asked.
Wow.
APPLAUSE OK, the prize the teams will be competing for this evening is this - the Countdown Hostess Trolley.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh! OK, let's Countdown everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon and Katherine, your turn to pick the letters.
Oh, Jimmy.
Just before we start, I'm going to try something.
It's a bit bold.
I've got an envelope here, I've written a word in here and I think this word is going to come up tonight.
All right.
Well, pass it over.
- Will you tell me when you think it's come up? - Well, I will.
When it comes up, I will tell you, and you can open the letter and deal with it that way.
Well, that's great.
Good on you.
OK.
Jon and Katherine, your pick of the letters.
Erm I'll have a Christmas consonant, please, Rachel.
Christmas consonant.
F For Father Christmas.
And a Christmas vowel, please.
E Elf.
Christmas consonant, please.
S Santa.
We're getting festive! And a Christmas vowel, please.
O Oh-oh-oh! And an Easter consonant, please.
M And a Christmas consonant, please.
And a Hanukkah vowel.
A And a Christmas consonant.
L And a non-denominational vowel, please.
U OK, for the first time today here's the Countdown Clock.
JIMMY WHISTLING There we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr Christmas, Christopher Biggins! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Hello.
How are you? - Very good.
Take the two sides? Ready? CHEERING More from Biggins later on.
Christopher Biggins, everyone! I love it.
- It's a penis.
- A big purple one.
- You love the purple one? - I do! - It looks angry.
- Johnny, how many letters? - Erm - I got five.
- Five, OK.
- Sean, how many? - Five.
- Katherine? - Seven.
- Jon? - A Christmas nine! Whoa! Well, let's hear it before we get excited.
I've been fooled before.
Johnny, what have you got? FATSO LAUGHTER - OK, Sean, yours? - FEAST.
OK, Katherine, your seven.
Well, I had FAMOUS and MOLEST, and then I felt like I could get even more letters so I came out with TOMALES.
- Oh, wow.
- Ooh.
It's TA.
It's with a T-A.
Yeah, T-A-M-A-L-E-S.
What?! OK, Jon.
It's Christmas.
You've got a nine.
This is going to make the show.
Yep.
In honour of Colin the Christmas turkey, it's FOULMEATS.
My partner has taken a look, and Well, I'm veggie, so I'm going to say yes.
- And it's Christmas, come on.
- KATHERINE: Yes! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH What do you mean, you're going to say yes? Is it in the dictionary? No.
OK, so that's five points to Sean and Johnny.
APPLAUSE Susie, David, could they have done any better? Susie's found a nine.
FLAMEOUTS.
Susie Dent with a nine-letter word there.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Sean and Johnny picking the numbers.
One from the top, please, and five from everywhere else.
- Thank you, Rachel.
- Thank you, Sean.
One big one, five little ones.
And the numbers - 2, 4, 5, 8 JOHNNY: .
.
Who do we appreciate? LAUGHTER And the target - 431.
- OK.
And your time startsnow.
CHOIR: # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride # In a one-horse open sleigh # Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride - # Oh, what fun - # Oh, what fun it is to ride - # Oh, what fun, yeahhh! - # Oh, what fun it is to ride # In a one-horse open - # Sleigh! - # Yeah-eah-eah-eahhh.
# APPLAUSE So the target was 431.
Sean, did you get it? No, I got 434.
- Johnny? - Er, no, I got, er Hang on.
43 Er, I think 434, I think I got the same as him.
LAUGHTER - Jon? - I got a nine.
LAUGHTER Well done.
Katherine? No, I got 420.
- Were you anywhere close, Jon? - I got 432.
- Yeah! OK.
Jon, you were the closest.
How did you get 432? Er, 25 x 4 100 100 + 8 108 108 x 4 Yeah, well done.
One away.
Seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE 431, could it be done, Rachel? Yep.
You could have said 25 x 2 = 50 50 + 4 = 54 54 x 8 = 432 And then 5 - 4 = 1.
KATHERINE: Ah APPLAUSE Time to go now to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? What I've tried to do, as it's the Christmas special, is to write my first ever Christmas song on my chosen instrument, the shitty piano.
And Er, the problem with trying to write a Christmas song is that most of the good topics have been taken already except for one, and that is workplace conditions of the elves.
So I've written this.
It's the saddest Christmas song ever.
It's called The Tears Of An Elf.
# While you're hanging up your mistletoe # Spraying on the fake snow # As you untangle Christmas lights # With each Christmas card you write # There's a place not far from here # Where there is no Christmas cheer # Just sweat and unpaid overtime # And the groans of tired reindeer # And the guy who's at the top # Screams out across the workshop # There's a living hell going on behind the tinsel # There's an arsehole in charge at the North Pole # North Pole, arsehole # Santa's only based at the North Pole for tax reasons! # Because there's no unions # "Sure, you're free to go whenever you like," he tells the elves # "You're as free as the polar bears.
Ho-ho-ho! # "And the reindeer will find your bodies when they thaw out in July" # In the interests of checking if people have been bad or good # Santa has special dispensation from the tech companies # And Facebook, to hack into people's e-mail # He checks everything the elves are doing # "I know when you're sleeping, I know when you're awake # "So you better work really, really hard # "Or I'll hack pictures of your tiny dicks and put them online" # So this Christmas # Before you rip open that box # Just ask yourself # Is that glue holding it together? # Or is it The tears of an elf? APPLAUSE Lovely.
That was a really lovely song.
The only thing I didn't understand is why you did a song about an elf while dressed as a leprechaun.
DISCORDANT CHORDS KEYBOARD PLAYS Rondo Alla Turca from Mozart's Piano Sonata No.
11 No! The scores at the moment are Sean and Johnny have 5, Jon and Katherine have 7.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are TARTY ELF.
The clue is - puts me in a good mood.
That's TARTY ELF - puts me in a good mood.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the Teaser.
The words were TARTY ELF.
The clue was - puts me in a good mood.
It was, of course, FLATTERY.
Katherine, here's a question for you.
What Christmas traditions are there in the Katherine Ryan household? Well, being from Canada, we do a lot of snowman building, snowball fights, tobogganing, moose knuckling.
- What was the last one? - Moose knuckling.
It's like cow tipping or like camel towing.
Moose knuckling.
I'm pretty sure camel-toeing is a different thing.
OK, this game is just for Johnny and Jon.
So, Johnny, you're not going to win it but you can choose the letters.
Well, I might just choose all, you know, consonants, and just We can both go down in flames together.
OK, Johnny, pick the letters.
- A good one, please.
- A good one? S Another good one, please.
G - A vowel, please.
- Supposed to write them down.
O Yeah, I know but don't, because, already, in my head, I'm going, "Please, one more G and a Y and I've SOGGY.
" Consonant, please.
P A vowel.
E - Pardon.
- E.
Sorry.
"Eh".
LAUGHTER Another vowel, please.
O A consonant, please.
R A vowel, please.
E - And I will have one more consonant.
- And OK.
And your time starts now.
- Right.
Mulled wine, anyone? - Yes.
How many have you got, Jon? - Six.
- Six.
Johnny, what have you got? I thought I had seven.
Two of them, isn't it? Sean, any mulled wine? - Thank you very much, cheers.
- And for the lady? - Thank you very much.
- Hang on.
How many has Jon got? - Six.
Get seven and then you'll beat him.
Erm OK, give us a sec.
- I've got a six.
I got a six.
- You've got a six? - Yeah.
Jon, what's your six? It's the band who sang everyone's favourite hit, Fairytale of New York.
It's the POGOES.
Is POGOES in there as a word? Yes.
It's there.
Johnny, your six? Well, I'm going to go with STOOGE.
Six points to both teams.
Could they have done any better, David, Susie? Well, I've never done this with booze before.
It's really fun.
There is an eight-letter word there.
Even though it has an accent on the last E and that is PROTEGES.
OK.
Time now for Sean and Katherine to go head-to-head.
Katherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
OK.
A big one and little ones.
I'm just going to do it one at a time because I'm not giving up my mulled wine.
25 and a 6 - Yep.
- What else would you like? A 100 and a 10.
And a 2 - Sure.
- Yeah.
- 1? - Sure.
And this one? 7? - Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
Countdown has gone rogue tonight.
No! Merry Christmas, Satan.
Your time starts now.
# I just want you for my own # More than you could ever know # Make my wish come true # Cos all I want for Christmas is you # All I want for Christmas is you, baby # All I want for Christmas is you, baby - # All I want for Christmas is you, baby.
- # - OK, so the target was 666.
Katherine, did you get it? - No.
- Sean, what did you get? - I got it.
- Argh! - How did you do it? 7 x 100 700 - 25 675 - 6 669 - 2 - 1 Well done.
Ten points to Sean.
Time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us this time? Well, James, Christmas is a time when I watch a lot of television and I also get my best ideas for new TV shows and I thought I would present to you some of the real gems I've come up with in the last couple of weeks, beginning with this.
Gordon Ramsay's Library Nightmares.
Similar to his Kitchen ones but he has to whisper all of the time.
(What the fuck is A Brief History of Time (doing in the science-fiction section?) (It's popular science.
That trolley's got a squeaky wheel, you dickbags.
) This show I think might just be a one-off Christmas special.
It's self-explanatory, really.
It's just called Lemurs vs Ollie Murs.
They fight to the death.
MasterJeff.
Every week APPLAUSE .
.
famous Jeffs compete to find who is the MasterJeff of the week.
So we've got Geoff Capes there, Jeff Stelling, Goldblum and a tiny bit of King Joffrey from Game of Thrones there.
This is a movie.
The Human 50 Cent-ipede.
He's just attached to his brothers for a while.
And, then, I think this could be an actual winner, it is the show where disobedient children are sent to work on crab fishing boat off the coast of Alaska.
This is the last one.
It's called Deadliest Creche.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
The scores at the moment, Jon and Katherine have 13, Sean and Johnny have 21.
Here is your Teaser.
The words are GIMP SLED.
The clue is - I only got a flash.
That's GIMP SLED, I only got a flash.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were GIMP SLED.
The clue was, I only got a flash.
It was of course GLIMPSED.
OK, before we get on with the game, a chance for our teams to win some extra points in the Countdown Christmas Quiz, so, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome back our quizmaster, it's Mr Christmas himself, Christopher Biggins! - Biggins.
- Yes, sir.
- May I call you Biggins? - Of course.
You can call me anything you like, darling.
- Are you looking forward to Christmas? - I love Christmas.
Only time you work.
That's very amusing, Jimmy.
Mm.
Right, here's your first question.
Which of these was a popular Christmas game in mediaeval times? Was it A) Wet Willies, B) Hot Cockles or C) Chilly Bottoms? As a team, you've got to agree.
Wet Willies, Hot Cockles or Chilly Bottoms? LAUGHTER - We agree.
- Go on.
- Hot Cockles.
- You think hot cockles.
OK.
- We also thought it was Hot Cockles.
- You're right.
Hot Cockles.
And To play the game, one person was blindfolded and had to guess who was hitting him.
OK.
Next question.
In Catalonia, the extra person is traditionally added to the Nativity scene, but what is that person doing? Is he A) hiding behind the Virgin Mary, smelling her hair, B) standing quietly in a corner doing a poo, or C) interfering with a donkey? Hiding behind the Virgin Mary, smelling her hair, standing quietly in the corner doing a poo, or interfering with a donkey? - Yes.
- Johnny, which one are you going to go for? It's actually the person behind the Virgin Mary smelling her hair.
Jon and Katherine, what are you going for? I think he's doing a poo and I think he's called the Caganero.
Jon, you are very, very good because that's exactly what the answer is.
Doing a poo.
- We've actually got a picture.
- Yes, I know.
- We've got a picture.
There he is.
Next one, Biggins.
Next up, a little game for you.
It's called Feel My Sack.
Please Fabio? There you are, Fabio.
There we are.
Now, take that sack over to the teams and, Raul, take that sack over.
All you have to do is feel the sacks and work out the three Christmas presents inside.
- Do you have a sack for me to feel? - Darling, I I'm positioning myself as we speak.
Oh, she is a tease! OK.
Katherine and Jon, what do you think? What was in the sack? - A cricket bat, a giant rubber duck and a DVD.
- What was the DVD? - It's a Christmas DVD.
- Oh, yeah.
It's like a cheap piece of shit.
Is it Jimmy Carr? You are so close.
Fabio, Raul, what's in your sacks? Cricket bat, you both got that.
Well played.
Massiveduck.
It's like waking up after a night on gin.
And Jon Richardson's Neat And Tidy.
Reduced.
APPLAUSE OK, well, that means the winner of the Countdown Christmas quiz - and five bonus points are Jon and Katherine.
- Yeah! Round of applause, everyone.
Christopher Biggins.
OK, on with the game.
Jon and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
- Could we have a vowel, please, Rachel? - Thank you, Katherine.
A Christmas vowel.
- A.
- Christmas consonant.
- S.
- And a Chanukah consonant.
- ChanukahH.
JOHNNY: I've got one! - And a Kwanzaa consonant.
- Will that do? S.
- Yeah.
And then two more vowels, please? E and A.
What we need now, Jon? Couple of consonants.
R, Q.
Oh, dear.
Ah, she's fucked it.
LAUGHTER Oh, look, she has tossed it away.
It's Christmas! Christmas miracle.
Let's have one more of each.
OK.
D and I.
OK, and your time starts now.
# You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry # You better not pout, I'm telling you why # Santa Claus is coming to town # Ooh yeah # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming, Santa Claus is coming # Whoo! # Santa Claus is coming to town Oh, yeah.
APPLAUSE Superb singing there, and from about half the audience great clapping along.
The other half of the audience, with the Were you trying to ruin Christmas? OK, Katherine, how many letters? - Eight.
- Eight? - Yes.
- Shut the front door.
- Jon, how many? - Eight more.
- Yeah.
- Another eight.
- Yeah.
- Johnny? Nine.
- Sean? - Nothing, I Six.
- What was your six? - Just RAISED OK, Katherine, your eight.
Is that definitely spelt that way? Sometimes it's a good idea to confer, like you can't do on this show.
Um, RADISHES Ooh! - OK, Jon, what is your eight? - More RADISHES.
- Johnny, your nine? - Doesn't matter.
No, no, because you'll win this with a nine.
No, because I didn't count up properly and it's a seven.
I think a seven is a personal victory for you.
Go on, what is it? DISHEAR DISHEAR? Dis here? - Is it in there? - ErmNo.
All right, I've got one.
I HEARD ASS Your mum is going to be so proud of you when she sees this.
I have lots of nieces and nephews in the audience tonight.
I don't want them to think this is what I normally do to pay the mortgage.
But money is tight at the moment.
That fucking monkey is selling teabags on his own, so APPLAUSE You have to.
So, that's eight points to Jon and Katherine.
Susie, David O'Doherty, could they have done any better? Lengthways, we couldn't beat it but we were trying to think of the Christmas-iest possibly word.
The Christmas-iest word was DASHER, which is one of Santa's reindeer, but still only worth six, but pretty cool in the circumstances.
Pretty good.
OK.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Johnny have 21.
Jon and Katherine have 26.
And here is your teaser.
The words are, XMAS LICE.
The clue is, I usually get these in bed.
That's XMAS LICE.
I usually get these in bed.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were XMAS LICE, the clue was, I usually get these in bed.
It was of course CLIMAXES! Sean and Johnny, pick the letters.
- Can I have a letter, please? - Yep.
And another letter.
N And another letter.
L And another letter.
E And another letter.
O And I'd like a letter, please.
LAUGHTER E I think I'll go for another letter.
Yep, T.
And because it's Christmas, could I have a letter? Z And I think we'll have a letter.
Yep, and the last letter, A OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE WHOOPING Sean, what have you got? Six.
Johnny? LAUGHTER Johnny, what have you got? Everything I asked my dad for, for Christmas.
Er, I've got five.
It's a classy five.
- Jon? - Seven, but it's filth.
LAUGHTER - Katherine? - Six.
OK, Johnny, your five.
SONE - Two Ns in SONNET.
- Yeah.
Is there? I've got fuck all! Sean, your six? ATONES Katherine, your six? TALONS - TALONS! - Mmm.
Jon, your filthy seven.
- ZEALOT.
- Amazing.
Get a lot of them around this time.
Open that card, open that card.
KATHERINE: Uh-uh! You know a bit earlier in the show, Sean predicted a There's other stuff in here.
What? What?! LAUGHTER - It's like a novelty - Oh, no! Novelty pants.
You know what I've only gone and done? What have you done? I've mixed up the envelopes.
So it says, "Dear Thong Rack LAUGHTER ".
.
I am returning these Rude-olph pants as they're not fit for purpose.
"The reindeer is cross-eyed LAUGHTER ".
.
the antlers chafe and the nose isn't right.
"As for the back of the pants ".
.
where is it?" "My house guests could see 90% of my arse.
"Where's the fun in that?" "I demand a full refund, and no, I haven't washed them.
" Unbelievable! So Thong Rack have got a letter that just says "ZEALOT"! And nobody's going to believe me .
.
I did that.
OK, Susie, could they have done any better? - Well, no, we got sevens, too.
- Yeah, just sevens.
Sevens ahoy.
- LEANEST.
- LEANEST.
Yeah, so seven is the best - well done.
Seven points to John.
OK, so Sean and Johnny have 21, Jon and Katherine have 33.
21-33? That means we can't win.
Well, no, cos it's Christmas Cats Does Countdown, the conundrum's worth 13.
- Is it? - Ah, of course(!) It's always been, always will be.
So it's the first one to shout the word out? Yeah, but you have to see what the word is.
Get your finger off that buzzer.
Get that Wall's banger off there.
Keep it in the packet! What are you waiting for? What if something magical happens, and the letters make sense? It's not a film, Johnny! OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
13 points on offer to the winner.
Your time starts now.
- BELL - Got it! Johnny, what is it? WASTELAND SEAN GASPS Let's see if he's right.
It's like a Christmas dream come true! CHEERING And the final scores are, Jon and Katherine have 33 points but tonight's winners with 34, Sean and Johnny! CHEERING Congratulations - you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown hostess trolley.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us - good night and Merry Christmas! CHEERING
APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Johnny Vegas, Katherine Ryan, David O'Doherty, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown festive special, a show all about letters, numbers, conundrums and Christmas.
Did you know, for example, some people use slang names for Christmas like Xmas, Crimbo and Chrismizzle.
I don't approve.
It's very disrespectful to Jeezy H Chreezy.
The Christmas shopping season beginning earlier each year is known as Christmas creep.
Christmas creep is also the name for the guy at the office party who wears mistletoe hanging from his belt.
And the first carol ever heard was in 1582, when she said, "Welcome to Countdown!" Right, let's get started! APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jon recently got married.
I think Jon's wife had second thoughts, because on the wedding list Jon put silver cutlery and a toaster, and she put a canoe and a book about faking your own death.
And Jon's team-mate, it's Katherine Ryan.
APPLAUSE Katherine Ryan presents the BBC Two show Hair, which searches for Britain's best hairdresser.
If you really want a challenge on that show, you should invite Sean on.
I don't like that joke.
Don't like the cut of that joke.
- You invented the - Yeah, the .
.
finger fringe.
HE HUFFS Can you have those curled or straightened or anything? You can have any hairstyle you want, Jimmy.
Centre parting Then just Perm! Put a Marigold glove on - you're a blond.
OK.
Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE Sean headlined the Altitude Comedy Festival, which took place in an Austrian ski resort earlier this year.
Cold and decidedly frosty was how the other comics described him.
And joining Sean tonight, Johnny Vegas.
APPLAUSE Earlier this year Johnny became a father again.
At 7lbs and 2oz, the sandwich Johnny ate while his wife gave birth was bacon, sausage and tomato.
Sean, what's on your wish list this Christmas? Well, it's usually the same things - world peace or socks.
No, I'll tell you what I'd really like.
I saw a chocolate fountain at a party.
I thought, I'd like one of those, but brown sauce.
In the hallway, as you come in, just brown sauce coming out and then there's like, a moat of saveloys.
OK.
If you could go back in time, Johnny, and talk to yourself age 15, what advice would you give yourself? Oh.
Er Put down the Christmas cake if you ever want to see your penis again without the use of a mirror.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Don't take Hungry Hippos on as a life plan.
It's a game designed for family fun.
You don't want to be there 15 years later, lying on a table demanding that a waiter smacks your arse.
OK.
Congratulations are due to you, Jon, because you were - for the second year in a row - on the Heat's Weird Crush list.
You came second.
I can't see what's so weird about it! It's the face and tiny body.
I've been there.
I've been on them lists, Jon.
And what actually appeals to women is that there's lots about you that they'd like to change.
And you won't let them.
Yeah, Jon's a fixer-upper.
You're a knock-down, rebuild, come on.
If this was Homes Under The Hammer, I'm just a bit of wasteland whereas you you're a miserable cottage in Yorkshire.
- Oh, bless.
Katherine, you recently hosted the BBC Two show Hair.
- Yeah.
- What do you make of Jon's hair? - I love Jon's hair.
I mean, on Hair, we had models that had really long beards and really long, long, long hair, so we wouldn't be able to do a lot with Jon.
But, I mean Unless you charge less than eight quid, I'm not that bothered anyway.
That's what I'm paying these days.
I slip her a tenner, I only take a pound back.
I'm doing all right.
I bet that's 100% true! Have you got a mascot, Jon? Yes, I have.
It's more of a message, a Christmas message.
As we know, it's Christmas time and that means 80,000 people will be hospitalised over Christmas with festive disasters.
So, erm, I'm here to preach a message of safety.
I've released an Advent calendar with fire safety doors.
They can only be opened from the inside.
I'll be honest, that's not gone very well.
It's not about safety just for people - what is the safest thing for this guy to do over Christmas? Obviously not get his throat cut and have an onion shoved up his arse.
So I've prepared a delicious vegetarian feast that everyone can enjoy.
- I made this yesterday.
- Wow! This is a lentil roast That looks so disappointing.
- I've got some forks here - I'll be all right, cheers.
I'd rather use the fork in my eye.
If I have to taste I think we're going to have to explain to Johnny's heart what this kind of food is.
So Johnny, I mean, this will just run through your arteries, it won't just stay there.
Yeah, but then how will I feel the disco beat?! Boom, bam, boom, bam, bam! Oh Not many people have a fun way to talk about heart attacks, but Johnny Vegas, yeah.
Of course, a festive treat is pigs in blankets, and what I've got here is some vegetarian sausages wrapped in vegetarian bacon.
Or as I call them, quigs in quankets.
Can I try a quigs in quanket? Have a quig in a quanket, mate.
- So this is vegetarian sausage.
.
- Mmm, yeah! - .
.
in vegetarian bacon.
- This is - Stabbed into the head of a moose.
That's not vegetarian.
And you don't seem to be making many sort of I can't hear many, like, "Mmm!" Basically, that food is the food equivalent of a bus replacement service.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's rubbish! Everyone complains about turkey, and the minute you give them something else suddenly you're an eco-twat.
- Katherine, have you got a mascot? - I have.
I brought this big idiot deer.
- Well, that's certainly Christmassy.
- Well But it's not Christmassy in my house.
Anything with a face gets adopted by my daughter and she refuses to put it away for the remainder of the year.
So this deer is in my life.
Just living around the house.
I keep trying to be like, "Santa needs it back.
Father Christmas" She's like, "No.
It's mine.
" This is why I'm converting to Judaism.
The Jewish people, they don't hang on to tat! Do they? No bacon in the house.
Prawns, decorations, foreskins, it's all out of there.
- OK.
Johnny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
I've got a brilliant mascot! And it ain't meaty, but it shits all over your veggie option.
It's a Raleigh Chopper! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.
That is a.
.
The ultimate.
Look at that.
Mint condition.
Who didn't want one of them for Christmas? Would you care to demonstrate by riding around the desk - and jumping off the end? - Course I would.
I'm looking for a way to have an accident and never have to work again.
- This is I mean - Oh, come on I know, but look at this! There's ladies in the audience who didn't think much of me early on.
But see me on Christmas Day, you'll be going, "You know what? "He's like an onion.
"I want to peel him.
" HE HUMS Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple It's .
.
Chop-tastic! KATHERINE: Johnny, look! You can be a real Santa.
I nearly pressed the front brake, I'd have gone right over the top.
Johnny, you can be the real Santa.
You hold this Put him on the front.
He'll be, like, in the way.
Right, there you go.
That's it.
DAVID: Johnny! Johnny, wait! We need a new kind of Christmas carol for this.
Look at the stress that back tyre is under.
- CRACK! - AUDIENCE: Ooh! Health and safety can suck my dick! Santa's here with a brand-new schtick.
No, get on the back.
Go on, we can do it.
SEAN: You've just turned this into Last Of The Summer Wine.
I tell you what, stand on there - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Right, ready? - Yes! - Do you remember the fun just before the accident? This is it.
- Wow.
- Go on, have a go yourself.
What a spectacle! It's weird, though, David, cos I don't associate elves Ooh! You're going too fast! I bet if you saw a kid doing that in the street you wouldn't go Imagine if every time a kid did a skid, everyone went, "Oooh!" Hang on.
Sorry, can I have a minute? DOES IT LOOK LIKE A BMX?! LAUGHTER It's not designed for bunny hops! You've buckled the wheels now! Ruined me Christmas.
Well done! Some kind of elf YOU are.
APPLAUSE - OK.
Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
- What have you got? I've got a range of gifts that I'm marketing this Christmas.
We all know there's a big market for ethical Christmas presents.
Well, I've gone for unethical Christmas presents.
So, for example, for Jon, I've got some tuna-friendly dolphin there.
Thank you.
I notice from the logo here that it's Fairtrade.
Yes.
To be fair, it's very important to me that everybody makes loads of cash out of this.
And here I've got these headphones which are made from little baby turtles.
- There you go.
They're for you.
- Thank you.
- What a wonderful gift.
- What else have I got here? Oh, I've got this.
But, er LAUGHTER - And then on the back - "I love fracking", and then? There you go.
You can wear that over there.
There's a Top Gear DVD.
That's pretty unethical.
And one of the things you can get people for Christmas, you can buy, like, a goat for an impoverished village somewhere in the world.
I thought, much better idea - get them a greyhound.
And then maybe they can open up a race track, and get a betting shop that serves alcohol as well so they can really enjoy their lives.
- Just like we do.
- APPLAUSE OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner, it's David O'Doherty.
APPLAUSE I suppose, first things first, I don't associate leprechauns with Christmas.
Why are you dressed like that? Just so everyone knows, leprechauns are quite offensive to a lot of Irish people because they represent stereotypes.
You realise you're saying this while wearing that, yeah? It's a different hat.
If it was like, a top hat, then that might work.
If it was a pure red hat, I'd be a gnome.
There's a subtle difference between the different slightly magical creatures going on here.
That's all well and good, but just tell us where your gold is buried.
Oh, for fuck's sake! OK.
And with David, of course, Susie Dent! APPLAUSE Susie used to live in Berlin.
She was so boring, they considered putting the wall back up.
Susie, you've got a lovely voice.
Have you ever been asked to do any voiceover work? I did supply an "Mmm" for a German chocolate ad once.
- I just went, "Mmm!" - Really? - Yeah.
They said they wanted an English accent.
My brother does voiceovers.
He's an actor and he does voiceovers occasionally.
And when he got his first ever computer, he put in the CD-ROM disc about how it works, and it was his own voice explaining to him how a computer works.
And he had no memory of recording it.
But when the voice went, he thought this was the technology.
It could just speak to you in your own voice.
OK,.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE Rachel, if you were buying everyone here Christmas gifts, what would you get us? Well, I'd probably get Sean a bottle of whisky.
Standard.
Jon Erm, Dustbuster.
I mean, he's probably got one.
He would probably just use that to clean his other Dustbuster.
And I'd get you a long trench coat, night-vision goggles.
No questions asked.
Wow.
APPLAUSE OK, the prize the teams will be competing for this evening is this - the Countdown Hostess Trolley.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh! OK, let's Countdown everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon and Katherine, your turn to pick the letters.
Oh, Jimmy.
Just before we start, I'm going to try something.
It's a bit bold.
I've got an envelope here, I've written a word in here and I think this word is going to come up tonight.
All right.
Well, pass it over.
- Will you tell me when you think it's come up? - Well, I will.
When it comes up, I will tell you, and you can open the letter and deal with it that way.
Well, that's great.
Good on you.
OK.
Jon and Katherine, your pick of the letters.
Erm I'll have a Christmas consonant, please, Rachel.
Christmas consonant.
F For Father Christmas.
And a Christmas vowel, please.
E Elf.
Christmas consonant, please.
S Santa.
We're getting festive! And a Christmas vowel, please.
O Oh-oh-oh! And an Easter consonant, please.
M And a Christmas consonant, please.
And a Hanukkah vowel.
A And a Christmas consonant.
L And a non-denominational vowel, please.
U OK, for the first time today here's the Countdown Clock.
JIMMY WHISTLING There we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr Christmas, Christopher Biggins! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Hello.
How are you? - Very good.
Take the two sides? Ready? CHEERING More from Biggins later on.
Christopher Biggins, everyone! I love it.
- It's a penis.
- A big purple one.
- You love the purple one? - I do! - It looks angry.
- Johnny, how many letters? - Erm - I got five.
- Five, OK.
- Sean, how many? - Five.
- Katherine? - Seven.
- Jon? - A Christmas nine! Whoa! Well, let's hear it before we get excited.
I've been fooled before.
Johnny, what have you got? FATSO LAUGHTER - OK, Sean, yours? - FEAST.
OK, Katherine, your seven.
Well, I had FAMOUS and MOLEST, and then I felt like I could get even more letters so I came out with TOMALES.
- Oh, wow.
- Ooh.
It's TA.
It's with a T-A.
Yeah, T-A-M-A-L-E-S.
What?! OK, Jon.
It's Christmas.
You've got a nine.
This is going to make the show.
Yep.
In honour of Colin the Christmas turkey, it's FOULMEATS.
My partner has taken a look, and Well, I'm veggie, so I'm going to say yes.
- And it's Christmas, come on.
- KATHERINE: Yes! APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH What do you mean, you're going to say yes? Is it in the dictionary? No.
OK, so that's five points to Sean and Johnny.
APPLAUSE Susie, David, could they have done any better? Susie's found a nine.
FLAMEOUTS.
Susie Dent with a nine-letter word there.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Sean and Johnny picking the numbers.
One from the top, please, and five from everywhere else.
- Thank you, Rachel.
- Thank you, Sean.
One big one, five little ones.
And the numbers - 2, 4, 5, 8 JOHNNY: .
.
Who do we appreciate? LAUGHTER And the target - 431.
- OK.
And your time startsnow.
CHOIR: # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride # In a one-horse open sleigh # Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride - # Oh, what fun - # Oh, what fun it is to ride - # Oh, what fun, yeahhh! - # Oh, what fun it is to ride # In a one-horse open - # Sleigh! - # Yeah-eah-eah-eahhh.
# APPLAUSE So the target was 431.
Sean, did you get it? No, I got 434.
- Johnny? - Er, no, I got, er Hang on.
43 Er, I think 434, I think I got the same as him.
LAUGHTER - Jon? - I got a nine.
LAUGHTER Well done.
Katherine? No, I got 420.
- Were you anywhere close, Jon? - I got 432.
- Yeah! OK.
Jon, you were the closest.
How did you get 432? Er, 25 x 4 100 100 + 8 108 108 x 4 Yeah, well done.
One away.
Seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE 431, could it be done, Rachel? Yep.
You could have said 25 x 2 = 50 50 + 4 = 54 54 x 8 = 432 And then 5 - 4 = 1.
KATHERINE: Ah APPLAUSE Time to go now to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us? What I've tried to do, as it's the Christmas special, is to write my first ever Christmas song on my chosen instrument, the shitty piano.
And Er, the problem with trying to write a Christmas song is that most of the good topics have been taken already except for one, and that is workplace conditions of the elves.
So I've written this.
It's the saddest Christmas song ever.
It's called The Tears Of An Elf.
# While you're hanging up your mistletoe # Spraying on the fake snow # As you untangle Christmas lights # With each Christmas card you write # There's a place not far from here # Where there is no Christmas cheer # Just sweat and unpaid overtime # And the groans of tired reindeer # And the guy who's at the top # Screams out across the workshop # There's a living hell going on behind the tinsel # There's an arsehole in charge at the North Pole # North Pole, arsehole # Santa's only based at the North Pole for tax reasons! # Because there's no unions # "Sure, you're free to go whenever you like," he tells the elves # "You're as free as the polar bears.
Ho-ho-ho! # "And the reindeer will find your bodies when they thaw out in July" # In the interests of checking if people have been bad or good # Santa has special dispensation from the tech companies # And Facebook, to hack into people's e-mail # He checks everything the elves are doing # "I know when you're sleeping, I know when you're awake # "So you better work really, really hard # "Or I'll hack pictures of your tiny dicks and put them online" # So this Christmas # Before you rip open that box # Just ask yourself # Is that glue holding it together? # Or is it The tears of an elf? APPLAUSE Lovely.
That was a really lovely song.
The only thing I didn't understand is why you did a song about an elf while dressed as a leprechaun.
DISCORDANT CHORDS KEYBOARD PLAYS Rondo Alla Turca from Mozart's Piano Sonata No.
11 No! The scores at the moment are Sean and Johnny have 5, Jon and Katherine have 7.
APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are TARTY ELF.
The clue is - puts me in a good mood.
That's TARTY ELF - puts me in a good mood.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the Teaser.
The words were TARTY ELF.
The clue was - puts me in a good mood.
It was, of course, FLATTERY.
Katherine, here's a question for you.
What Christmas traditions are there in the Katherine Ryan household? Well, being from Canada, we do a lot of snowman building, snowball fights, tobogganing, moose knuckling.
- What was the last one? - Moose knuckling.
It's like cow tipping or like camel towing.
Moose knuckling.
I'm pretty sure camel-toeing is a different thing.
OK, this game is just for Johnny and Jon.
So, Johnny, you're not going to win it but you can choose the letters.
Well, I might just choose all, you know, consonants, and just We can both go down in flames together.
OK, Johnny, pick the letters.
- A good one, please.
- A good one? S Another good one, please.
G - A vowel, please.
- Supposed to write them down.
O Yeah, I know but don't, because, already, in my head, I'm going, "Please, one more G and a Y and I've SOGGY.
" Consonant, please.
P A vowel.
E - Pardon.
- E.
Sorry.
"Eh".
LAUGHTER Another vowel, please.
O A consonant, please.
R A vowel, please.
E - And I will have one more consonant.
- And OK.
And your time starts now.
- Right.
Mulled wine, anyone? - Yes.
How many have you got, Jon? - Six.
- Six.
Johnny, what have you got? I thought I had seven.
Two of them, isn't it? Sean, any mulled wine? - Thank you very much, cheers.
- And for the lady? - Thank you very much.
- Hang on.
How many has Jon got? - Six.
Get seven and then you'll beat him.
Erm OK, give us a sec.
- I've got a six.
I got a six.
- You've got a six? - Yeah.
Jon, what's your six? It's the band who sang everyone's favourite hit, Fairytale of New York.
It's the POGOES.
Is POGOES in there as a word? Yes.
It's there.
Johnny, your six? Well, I'm going to go with STOOGE.
Six points to both teams.
Could they have done any better, David, Susie? Well, I've never done this with booze before.
It's really fun.
There is an eight-letter word there.
Even though it has an accent on the last E and that is PROTEGES.
OK.
Time now for Sean and Katherine to go head-to-head.
Katherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
OK.
A big one and little ones.
I'm just going to do it one at a time because I'm not giving up my mulled wine.
25 and a 6 - Yep.
- What else would you like? A 100 and a 10.
And a 2 - Sure.
- Yeah.
- 1? - Sure.
And this one? 7? - Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
Countdown has gone rogue tonight.
No! Merry Christmas, Satan.
Your time starts now.
# I just want you for my own # More than you could ever know # Make my wish come true # Cos all I want for Christmas is you # All I want for Christmas is you, baby # All I want for Christmas is you, baby - # All I want for Christmas is you, baby.
- # - OK, so the target was 666.
Katherine, did you get it? - No.
- Sean, what did you get? - I got it.
- Argh! - How did you do it? 7 x 100 700 - 25 675 - 6 669 - 2 - 1 Well done.
Ten points to Sean.
Time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
David, what have you got for us this time? Well, James, Christmas is a time when I watch a lot of television and I also get my best ideas for new TV shows and I thought I would present to you some of the real gems I've come up with in the last couple of weeks, beginning with this.
Gordon Ramsay's Library Nightmares.
Similar to his Kitchen ones but he has to whisper all of the time.
(What the fuck is A Brief History of Time (doing in the science-fiction section?) (It's popular science.
That trolley's got a squeaky wheel, you dickbags.
) This show I think might just be a one-off Christmas special.
It's self-explanatory, really.
It's just called Lemurs vs Ollie Murs.
They fight to the death.
MasterJeff.
Every week APPLAUSE .
.
famous Jeffs compete to find who is the MasterJeff of the week.
So we've got Geoff Capes there, Jeff Stelling, Goldblum and a tiny bit of King Joffrey from Game of Thrones there.
This is a movie.
The Human 50 Cent-ipede.
He's just attached to his brothers for a while.
And, then, I think this could be an actual winner, it is the show where disobedient children are sent to work on crab fishing boat off the coast of Alaska.
This is the last one.
It's called Deadliest Creche.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE David O'Doherty, everyone.
The scores at the moment, Jon and Katherine have 13, Sean and Johnny have 21.
Here is your Teaser.
The words are GIMP SLED.
The clue is - I only got a flash.
That's GIMP SLED, I only got a flash.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were GIMP SLED.
The clue was, I only got a flash.
It was of course GLIMPSED.
OK, before we get on with the game, a chance for our teams to win some extra points in the Countdown Christmas Quiz, so, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome back our quizmaster, it's Mr Christmas himself, Christopher Biggins! - Biggins.
- Yes, sir.
- May I call you Biggins? - Of course.
You can call me anything you like, darling.
- Are you looking forward to Christmas? - I love Christmas.
Only time you work.
That's very amusing, Jimmy.
Mm.
Right, here's your first question.
Which of these was a popular Christmas game in mediaeval times? Was it A) Wet Willies, B) Hot Cockles or C) Chilly Bottoms? As a team, you've got to agree.
Wet Willies, Hot Cockles or Chilly Bottoms? LAUGHTER - We agree.
- Go on.
- Hot Cockles.
- You think hot cockles.
OK.
- We also thought it was Hot Cockles.
- You're right.
Hot Cockles.
And To play the game, one person was blindfolded and had to guess who was hitting him.
OK.
Next question.
In Catalonia, the extra person is traditionally added to the Nativity scene, but what is that person doing? Is he A) hiding behind the Virgin Mary, smelling her hair, B) standing quietly in a corner doing a poo, or C) interfering with a donkey? Hiding behind the Virgin Mary, smelling her hair, standing quietly in the corner doing a poo, or interfering with a donkey? - Yes.
- Johnny, which one are you going to go for? It's actually the person behind the Virgin Mary smelling her hair.
Jon and Katherine, what are you going for? I think he's doing a poo and I think he's called the Caganero.
Jon, you are very, very good because that's exactly what the answer is.
Doing a poo.
- We've actually got a picture.
- Yes, I know.
- We've got a picture.
There he is.
Next one, Biggins.
Next up, a little game for you.
It's called Feel My Sack.
Please Fabio? There you are, Fabio.
There we are.
Now, take that sack over to the teams and, Raul, take that sack over.
All you have to do is feel the sacks and work out the three Christmas presents inside.
- Do you have a sack for me to feel? - Darling, I I'm positioning myself as we speak.
Oh, she is a tease! OK.
Katherine and Jon, what do you think? What was in the sack? - A cricket bat, a giant rubber duck and a DVD.
- What was the DVD? - It's a Christmas DVD.
- Oh, yeah.
It's like a cheap piece of shit.
Is it Jimmy Carr? You are so close.
Fabio, Raul, what's in your sacks? Cricket bat, you both got that.
Well played.
Massiveduck.
It's like waking up after a night on gin.
And Jon Richardson's Neat And Tidy.
Reduced.
APPLAUSE OK, well, that means the winner of the Countdown Christmas quiz - and five bonus points are Jon and Katherine.
- Yeah! Round of applause, everyone.
Christopher Biggins.
OK, on with the game.
Jon and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
- Could we have a vowel, please, Rachel? - Thank you, Katherine.
A Christmas vowel.
- A.
- Christmas consonant.
- S.
- And a Chanukah consonant.
- ChanukahH.
JOHNNY: I've got one! - And a Kwanzaa consonant.
- Will that do? S.
- Yeah.
And then two more vowels, please? E and A.
What we need now, Jon? Couple of consonants.
R, Q.
Oh, dear.
Ah, she's fucked it.
LAUGHTER Oh, look, she has tossed it away.
It's Christmas! Christmas miracle.
Let's have one more of each.
OK.
D and I.
OK, and your time starts now.
# You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry # You better not pout, I'm telling you why # Santa Claus is coming to town # Ooh yeah # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming, Santa Claus is coming # Whoo! # Santa Claus is coming to town Oh, yeah.
APPLAUSE Superb singing there, and from about half the audience great clapping along.
The other half of the audience, with the Were you trying to ruin Christmas? OK, Katherine, how many letters? - Eight.
- Eight? - Yes.
- Shut the front door.
- Jon, how many? - Eight more.
- Yeah.
- Another eight.
- Yeah.
- Johnny? Nine.
- Sean? - Nothing, I Six.
- What was your six? - Just RAISED OK, Katherine, your eight.
Is that definitely spelt that way? Sometimes it's a good idea to confer, like you can't do on this show.
Um, RADISHES Ooh! - OK, Jon, what is your eight? - More RADISHES.
- Johnny, your nine? - Doesn't matter.
No, no, because you'll win this with a nine.
No, because I didn't count up properly and it's a seven.
I think a seven is a personal victory for you.
Go on, what is it? DISHEAR DISHEAR? Dis here? - Is it in there? - ErmNo.
All right, I've got one.
I HEARD ASS Your mum is going to be so proud of you when she sees this.
I have lots of nieces and nephews in the audience tonight.
I don't want them to think this is what I normally do to pay the mortgage.
But money is tight at the moment.
That fucking monkey is selling teabags on his own, so APPLAUSE You have to.
So, that's eight points to Jon and Katherine.
Susie, David O'Doherty, could they have done any better? Lengthways, we couldn't beat it but we were trying to think of the Christmas-iest possibly word.
The Christmas-iest word was DASHER, which is one of Santa's reindeer, but still only worth six, but pretty cool in the circumstances.
Pretty good.
OK.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Johnny have 21.
Jon and Katherine have 26.
And here is your teaser.
The words are, XMAS LICE.
The clue is, I usually get these in bed.
That's XMAS LICE.
I usually get these in bed.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were XMAS LICE, the clue was, I usually get these in bed.
It was of course CLIMAXES! Sean and Johnny, pick the letters.
- Can I have a letter, please? - Yep.
And another letter.
N And another letter.
L And another letter.
E And another letter.
O And I'd like a letter, please.
LAUGHTER E I think I'll go for another letter.
Yep, T.
And because it's Christmas, could I have a letter? Z And I think we'll have a letter.
Yep, and the last letter, A OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE WHOOPING Sean, what have you got? Six.
Johnny? LAUGHTER Johnny, what have you got? Everything I asked my dad for, for Christmas.
Er, I've got five.
It's a classy five.
- Jon? - Seven, but it's filth.
LAUGHTER - Katherine? - Six.
OK, Johnny, your five.
SONE - Two Ns in SONNET.
- Yeah.
Is there? I've got fuck all! Sean, your six? ATONES Katherine, your six? TALONS - TALONS! - Mmm.
Jon, your filthy seven.
- ZEALOT.
- Amazing.
Get a lot of them around this time.
Open that card, open that card.
KATHERINE: Uh-uh! You know a bit earlier in the show, Sean predicted a There's other stuff in here.
What? What?! LAUGHTER - It's like a novelty - Oh, no! Novelty pants.
You know what I've only gone and done? What have you done? I've mixed up the envelopes.
So it says, "Dear Thong Rack LAUGHTER ".
.
I am returning these Rude-olph pants as they're not fit for purpose.
"The reindeer is cross-eyed LAUGHTER ".
.
the antlers chafe and the nose isn't right.
"As for the back of the pants ".
.
where is it?" "My house guests could see 90% of my arse.
"Where's the fun in that?" "I demand a full refund, and no, I haven't washed them.
" Unbelievable! So Thong Rack have got a letter that just says "ZEALOT"! And nobody's going to believe me .
.
I did that.
OK, Susie, could they have done any better? - Well, no, we got sevens, too.
- Yeah, just sevens.
Sevens ahoy.
- LEANEST.
- LEANEST.
Yeah, so seven is the best - well done.
Seven points to John.
OK, so Sean and Johnny have 21, Jon and Katherine have 33.
21-33? That means we can't win.
Well, no, cos it's Christmas Cats Does Countdown, the conundrum's worth 13.
- Is it? - Ah, of course(!) It's always been, always will be.
So it's the first one to shout the word out? Yeah, but you have to see what the word is.
Get your finger off that buzzer.
Get that Wall's banger off there.
Keep it in the packet! What are you waiting for? What if something magical happens, and the letters make sense? It's not a film, Johnny! OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
13 points on offer to the winner.
Your time starts now.
- BELL - Got it! Johnny, what is it? WASTELAND SEAN GASPS Let's see if he's right.
It's like a Christmas dream come true! CHEERING And the final scores are, Jon and Katherine have 33 points but tonight's winners with 34, Sean and Johnny! CHEERING Congratulations - you're now the proud owners of this, the Countdown hostess trolley.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us - good night and Merry Christmas! CHEERING