8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s15e04 Episode Script
Johnny Vegas, Rhod Gilbert, Joe Wilkinson, Roisin Conaty, Tom Allen
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Joe Wilkinson, Johnny Vegas, Roisin Conaty, Rhod Gilbert, Tom Allen, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 3 million new books are added to the British Library every year? But not Susie Dent's books.
They go straight to the special British Library landfill site.
Amazingly, there are around 6,000 different languages in the world today and my favourite is the international language of love, although I only know a couple of phrases - "that's never happened to me before" and "is it in yet?" And in Japan, the saying "wearing a cat on your head" means you're pretending to be innocent, whereas in America, wearing a cat on your head means you're President.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's special guest team captain Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING Joe Wilkinson.
To you, he's a comedian, an actor, but to a family of head lice, he's an all-you-can-eat buffet.
And Joe's team-mate Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING Roisin says she has 80 cousins, which can be explained two ways - she's from a big Irish family or she's that shit at maths.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Johnny Vegas.
CHEERING Last year, Johnny went to the Paralympics in Rio, but it turned out being born without a sense of moderation doesn't count as a disability.
LAUGHTER JOE LAUGHS Oh, yeah, laughing at that, aren't you?! I kept quiet.
I kept quiet.
- JOE: Sorry, love.
- JOHNNY: I felt for you.
JOE: Thanks.
Sorry.
Johnny, I can't help but notice, if you were to stand up and someone were to stand in front of you, you could take a police photo.
I know.
I know, I know.
I didn't opt for this jumper.
Somebody in production wanted to modernise me and now I look like I own a longboat.
So I'm wearing it, so move on and cut a fat kid a break, all right? - I'm just saying, Tom Allen got the memo on how to dress.
- Thank you.
Exactly the same as me.
Yes, I did.
I'm in a suit as well, so Yeah, the thing about my suit and Tom's suit is no-one's died in them.
Yeah, fair enough, yeah.
Joining Johnny tonight, it's Rhod Gilbert.
CHEERING - Rhod is very good at Count - Bring 'em on, rubber head! Ah, I hope you win now.
Rhod's favourite Welsh word is "popty ping", meaning "microwave", as used in the famous Welsh phrase, "I've stolen a popty ping.
" - Because - Even I'm laughing now.
Who cares? Yeah.
Let's go for it.
OK, so, Johnny, you're guest team captain this week.
So how are you going to take down Joe and Roisin? What do you think their weakness is? With Joe, just remind him of how many outstanding offences are against him.
Eye contact, he's JOE: Oh, I don't like that.
JOHNNY: .
.
probably not very good with him.
When somebody actually looks at him, he's used to people getting nervous and walking off.
But all I have to do now is undress and put some bras on a washing line and he'll shit himself and jump over a hedge.
He's done me.
Er, we're just going to hold our own.
Rhod's going Basically, he's going to carry me and I'm going to offer a show of strength.
I like the fact you've not mentioned the threat that I pose.
What do you think I'm going to do? I know that, mathematically, you know, you are crouching tiger, hidden tortoise.
Rhod, you're surprisingly good at Countdown.
When you say "surprisingly", what do you mean, Jimmy? I was surprised at how good you were.
Why were you surprised at how good I was? Because of how you talk.
As you were.
Do you think you're going to win against these two? The only chance we're going to lose, I'm quite good at the letters, I'm all right, but numbers is my I'm much better on the words than I am on the numbers.
I'll prove it to you, Jimmy.
Think of a number between one and ten.
- Don't tell me, think of it.
- OK.
- OK, and reveal it now.
- Seven.
See? Not very good with numbers.
But words and letters, OK, let's make this interesting.
- Think of a number between one and 1,000, any number you like.
- Yeah.
Don't want to change your mind? He's in my head! OK, Johnny.
In my underpants .
.
have a little root around in there.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
It's in the pants.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, the pants?! - Yeah.
I thought it was in your anus.
We found it.
GROANING LAUGHTER Why would you smell that, Johnny? I've been told I smell better from behind than - I do from the front, so that bit in between - You what, sorry? You sweat more? What do you do, sorry? He said he smells better from behind than he does from the front! No, lovers have told me.
"Lovers have told me.
" On date night, if I come in the room backwards, it helps to maintain the mood.
OK, what's written on the paper? - Remember, it's a number between one and 1,000 you chose, Jimmy.
- Yes.
Keep it in your head.
Let's have a look, Johnny.
What was it? ROISIN GASPS Better with words and letters than I am with numbers.
APPLAUSE OK, what have you been up to, recently, Joe? Er, you know, hanging about.
Erm, a bit of trampoline.
I've been up to stuff.
I had a bit of a shitty night the other night, though, cos I I think we'll all agree, there's, ermnothing worse than turning up to a booty call to find out they've text the wrong person.
But I did think it was a bit weird cos I hardly ever speak to my Auntie Pam.
I said, "Pam, I'm here now.
" Fussy woman.
OK, Roisin, it says here you once wanted to be a country and western singer.
- Is that true? - Yes.
So when were you singing country and western? When was this? When I was, like 12, before I hit puberty and I was, like, "I'm just writing all my country and western songs.
" Planning out my career.
And my cousin's boyfriend sat down and he was, like, "Shame you can't really sing, though, isn't it?" And I literally went like this, "Yeah" And it was really dramatic, I got outside the room and, like, slid down a wall, like, "Oh, God! "Oh, no, I'll have to do my GCSEs!" Could you give us, like, a little snippet of one of the early Roisin Conaty country specials? - Come on! - It would be a treat for everyone.
- No! I'm not going to sing a country and western song.
- Do it.
- Do it, do it - They're not good, they're not good! Right, OK, I was eight and a half, they're not very good and they're not very funny, so you've brought it on yourselves.
Is that the title of the first one, You've Brought It On Yourself? I like it.
# Get up in the morning at half past eight # Go downstairs now # Brush my teeth and wash my face # Go into the kitchen # Have toast and soft-boiled eggs I hate school.
Roisin, what's your mascot? My mascot is, I have got 80 first cousins.
- Was that on this show you said that? - Yeah, just now, yeah.
LAUGHTER I want a new team-mate! I want a new team-mate! So I've got 80 first cousins from a big Irish family, so I've brought this Irish Cos I've done this show a lot and I've run out of mascots, but now I'm just calling my dead ancestors.
The luck of the Irish is what I'm hoping for.
Are you trying to upset your dead ancestors? Put your thumb in your mouth and blow and just like that, go woooo! Did it work? No, you've got to get the front on.
Do it again, Joe.
LAUGHTER I lost confidence! I'm sitting going like this for no reason! - I thought it'd be funny not to do it.
- Go on, Joe.
Go on.
I'm not doing it again cos he's not going to lift the hat.
- He's going to do it this time.
- I'm going to do it.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- No, no, do it this time, though, Joe.
- Now way! This time, he's going to do it.
- I will flip this desk! - OK.
- Ready? - There you go, you can feel I'm holding it.
- I'm so trusting.
I was never going to do it.
OK, Rhod, have you got a mascot? I do, it's under this big, blue curtain here.
We should probably have a look, then.
Ooh! What is it? It's a postbox, Jimmy.
I know you ask people to go there for you, but you must have seen one.
- Why have you got that? - It's a magic postbox, Jimmy.
- Magic? - Yeah.
- How is it magic? - It's a magic postbox.
- You'll see how it is magic as the game develops.
- OK.
- Does it have any significance for you? - Yeah, obviously.
I wouldn't have brought it otherwise.
OK, Rhod, we'll keep an eye out for your magic letterbox.
- Joe, have you got a mascot? - Er, yep.
Erm Do you want to see it? - Yeah, go on.
- Er, can you bring out the mascot, then? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE His, erm his, er, his plonker's out.
Jimmy, can you pop his plonker in? Just pop his plonker in.
Thanks.
There's been so much willy touching in this game.
It's not the first time I've had to do that for you.
GASPING AND LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What What just happened there? Er, Fabio thinks he's real.
And he gets really jealo Oh, shit.
Can we, erm Let's edit that just so I don't have a mascot.
- OK, Johnny, have you got a mascot? - I have got a mascot.
It's one of my darting heroes Andy Fordham, AKA The Viking, - and he's here this evening.
- Oh! And I'd like to welcome him, if you would, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Fordham.
It's Andy Fordham, everyone.
Andy Fordham! CHEERING OK, why do you love Andy Fordham so much, Johnny? I love him because years ago, he finally got my head out of my own arse and got me into the zone darts-wise.
Taught me how to play, taught me how to throw.
Became a bit of a life coach.
We've drifted over time, but if you can't use an opportunity like being on this going, "What do you want?" And you go, "I want my friend back.
" So he might not be a mascot, but he's a pal, and you paid his travel, sucker.
- But we do have an ambition.
- What's your ambition? When I play without you nowadays - Andy You know the 101? - Yep.
Six starts or more.
I'd like to throw darts with you tonight and if we get over 101, erm at least get to borrow Jimmy's speedboat.
OK, bring on the dartboard.
Guys, come over to the oche.
Good to see you, boys.
Oh, yeah.
Andy Fordham, Johnny Vegas, you've got three darts each.
You're trying to get more than 101.
Good luck, gents.
You're to throw first.
- 20.
- Bearing in mind, Andy, I'm shit.
- 81.
- OK, Andy scored 81.
Johnny, you're up next.
You've got to get 20.
LAUGHTER What did you get, Johnny? Cos we've only got a picture of the board.
What did you hit? APPLAUSE 27, you've only gone and bloody done it! HE GASPS Mother APPLAUSE Jimmy, this one's for you.
GASPING AND LAUGHTER Wheyyyy! Up until now, I came on here tonight as Johnny Vegas.
I leave as The Hornet.
Bear that in mind.
Andy Fordham, everyone.
One more time.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE Oh, thank you.
Thanks.
Tom has an irrational fear of falling off stage, which actually makes sense after what happened to his uncle Humpty Dumpty.
So, Tom, you're a well-dressed man.
Do you judge people based on their outfits? Well, thank you for asking me that, Jimmy.
I No, I don't tend to judge people on how they're dressed, because you don't know what they've been through.
You know, they might be colour-blind or they might be a straight man.
You just don't know.
I have been judging people quite a lot recently on whether or not they vape.
You know, I always thought smoking was supposed to be rebellious, but there's nothing rebellious, is there, about, like, a 40-year-old man called Barry smoking something called popcorn surprise? OK, and with Tom, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING Susie has had 14 books about lexicography published.
Add to that her 20 volumes of sadomasochistic erotic fan fiction and you have to admit she's really quite prolific.
Susie, what have you been looking into recently? What have I been looking into? The last time you asked me that, you said, "apart from glory holes.
" LAUGHTER Yes, I did.
For me, a glory hole, it's been around since the 1600s and it's just a space where you just put loads of junk.
I beg your pardon! LAUGHTER Yeah, that's still what it means! That's still what it means.
OK, so, as ever, I had to get Rachel to educate me on these things.
- She's good, she's my repository of dirty knowledge.
- A what?! - "My repository"? - That's another word for glory hole, Susie! - Do you know what? I've never seen one, actually.
- Oh, shut up! - I've never seen one.
- I mean, how do you I always think, how would you build a glory hole? Would you have to go into a cubicle with a Black & Decker? Bzzzz Oh, no, sorry, wrong side! Bzzzz And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING Rachel, you were clearly quite a swot at school.
What's the naughtiest thing you did at school? Erm, we got through to the National Athletics Finals once and my parents were supposed to go to, like, a christening or something in Manchester, so I stayed behind to do the athletics and had a party while they were away.
Essex teenagers, so invite, you know, 20 people and, like, 100 or so show up, and the reason I got caught was because You got pregnant? LAUGHTER My parents rang the home phone and my friend's boyfriend picked up and they thought that was weird to start with and they said, "Is Rachel there?" and he said, "Who's Rachel?" It was a good party.
Don't remember much of it.
I'm from Essex.
LAUGHTER OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown dog kennel.
APPLAUSE OK, let's countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Johnny and Rhod, you get the first pick of the letters.
Rhod, you choose.
- I've forgotten how to do it.
Oh, a vowel, please.
- Thank you, Rhod.
A Consonant.
R Another consonant.
K - JOHNNY GASPS - I've got one! Shhh! A vowel, please.
I Consonant, please.
D JOHNNY GASPS - "Our kid!" - LAUGHTER Another consonant, please.
F Vowel.
E Another vowel.
U Consonant, please.
L OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
HEAVY METAL MUSIC FINAL GUITAR CHORD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Where's everyone gone? I thought we were hanging out.
Roisin, what have you got? Go to someone else first.
LAUGHTER Joe, what have you got? Er, seven Six! Six! OK, Johnny, what have you got? - Six.
- Rhod? - I will use my magic postbox at this point.
- Sure, go ahead.
Well, my magic postbox is, when I got something in my head, but I can't get at it, I can't access it, quite You know, sometimes you get Then I would go .
.
and my magic postbox would usually read my mind.
LAUGHTER Feels like it just missed it.
Sometimes I can't read my own mind.
My magic postbox steps in and, erm - So I've got a seven.
- Shit.
- Roisin, what have you got? - I've got six.
- Joe, your six is? LARKED - LARKED.
- That's what I had.
- Yeah, it's really good.
- It's a good six, but it's not a seven.
- Johnny? - LARKED.
- LARKED as well.
OK, Rhod - Shit! - Rhod, your seven from the magic postbox.
- It was FLAKIER.
ROISIN: I've been on this show about ten times and FLAKIER comes up so much.
Well, why didn't you pissing say it?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Who's in the box, Rhod? Nobody's in the postbox, it's a magic postbox.
What is it about magic you don't understand? As your captain, you don't have to answer these questions.
I don't have to answer these questions.
I brought a magic postbox as my mascot and it's magic and it reads my mind.
I mean, there is a girl sat there.
LAUGHTER OK, Rhod, clearly cheating there, so six points to both teams.
Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? They could have done, yes.
A seven-letter word, ironically, FAILURE.
OK, so at the end of that, both teams have 6 points.
APPLAUSE OK, onto our first numbers round.
Joe and Roisin, you get to pick the numbers.
- Two from the top - Two from the top.
.
.
and all the magic ones.
- he four magic ones? - Yeah, four magic ones.
OK, right, they are 6, 3, 4, 1, 75 and 50, and the target, 472.
Your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 472.
Rhod, did you get it? What's the number at the top? - 472.
- 472 it is.
- OK, Johnny, have you got it? - Yep.
- Joe, did you get it? - No.
- Erm, 466.
- 466? Pretty close.
OK, Roisin, did you get it? - I think I did.
- Oh, Roisin, tell me, how did you do it? 6 x 75 = 450 - Yep.
- Yeah And then 4 x 6 You've done the 6, love.
Oh.
1 + 4 Oh, fuck! 1 + 4 = 5 - Yeah.
- Times I feel sick.
3 x 5 = 15 And, er I mean, I suppose if we gave you an infinite amount of time, you're bound to get there in the end.
- Johnny, did you get it? - Yeah.
- Go on.
1 + 6 = 7 7 x 50 = 350 350 + 75 350 + 75 = 425 Hang on You've done that wrong.
No, no 7 x 75 7 x 75 = 525 525 - 75 You've already used it! I mean, minus the, er - Minus the 50.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we're getting there.
Rachel, if you're not up to this, just say.
LAUGHTER Minus the three.
Johnny! APPLAUSE That's 10 points to Johnny Vegas! CHEERING OK, so Joe and Roisin have 6, Johnny and Rhod have 16.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are I RUB RASH, the clue is - that'll clear up nicely.
That's I RUB RASH - that'll clear up nicely.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were I RUB RASH.
The clue was - that'll clear up nicely.
It was of course airbrush.
So, Johnny and Rhod are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Roisin and Johnny.
- Oh - So, Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
May I have a consonant, please.
P.
A consonant.
B.
A vowel, please.
E.
- JOE WHISPERS: Pube.
- Another vowel.
- LAUGHTER I.
A vowel, please.
O.
Another consonant, please.
D.
- JOE: Pubed.
- LAUGHTER Another consonant, please.
R.
Another consonant, please.
- L.
- That's nice, we'll have an L.
And a vowel, please.
E.
OK, and your time starts now.
Do you want tea? Biscuits.
I forgot the biscuits, bring the biscuits in.
Sorry, I forgot the biscuits.
All right, lovely.
Well, you've done those too big.
LAUGHTER JOE: He's got a nice body, hasn't he? RHOD: What's going on? - Very nice.
- Johnny, I got you a biscuit.
Oh, Cheers.
Joe, I got you a custard cream.
- Lovely stuff.
Cheers, pal.
- OK.
And I got you You got a lovely bourbon.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- No problem at all.
- Oh, it's massive.
- LAUGHTER It's really nice.
This is the life - puzzles and massive biscuits.
Who says you need to do well at school?! LAUGHTER - Oh, you're disgusting.
- LAUGHTER - It's so nice.
- It's brilliant.
It's like you've shrunk.
It does look as if you are tiny.
This is the second-best party ring I've ever had.
LAUGHTER Rhod, are you off the jammie dodgers? - I thought you'd be a jammie dodger man.
- No, I quite like - But I normally - LAUGHTER Get him a bucket.
LAUGHTER - Do what birds do.
- What do birds do? You feed it to me, I'll chew it up and spit it back in your mouth.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER That sounds like a good idea.
I'm definitely going to throw up.
AUDIENCE GASPS AND GROANS OK, Roisin, what have you got? Period.
And the BAFTA moment goes to the tea spurting from Johnny Vegas.
- Can I just say, Jimmy, we've got a nine over here.
- What have you got? Tell him, Johnny.
Tell him now.
I had a six-letter word.
Then, on the inspiration of this guy and the distraction of a giant biscuit .
.
did I realise, hey, there's going to be loads of leftovers.
And I looked at the letters that were left over and I added them and I came up with preboiled.
Preboiled? Is preboiled in there for nine? It's not, I'm afraid.
Sorry, Johnny.
So that means six points to Roisin for period.
Could they have done any better, Susie, Tom? They could have done a lot better.
They could have had replied.
Seven.
OK, so at the end of that, Joe and Roisin have 12.
Johnny and Rhod have 16.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Joe and Rhod to go head-to-head.
Rhod, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Oh, numbers, is it? - Yeah.
- Ahh! JOE: I'm all over this.
RHOD: One from the top, five from anywhere else, please.
RACHEL: All right.
You've got 1, another 1, 4, 9, 10 and 100.
And the target, 285.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER - Joe, did you get it? - Er, no.
I got - Rhod, did you get it? - Not yet but I've got a good feeling about it.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah, I have got it, yeah.
- You have got it? - Yeah.
- OK, how did you get it? Well, I say I've got it.
285 it is.
I've just got to get there now with those numbers.
LAUGHTER Joe, how did you get 289? 4 x 10 + 100.
1 + 1 = 2.
RACHEL: Yeah.
Oh, yeah, times those together.
RACHEL: 2 x 40? JOE: Oh, no.
Have you added the 100 yet? Catch up.
LAUGHTER - Add the 100 to the 40.
- Pop 100 on the 40.
- I've got it.
- RACHEL: Ah, 140.
- I've got it.
I've fucking got it! - Oh, no, I've done it differently.
- My handwriting's changed.
- LAUGHTER Add the x 2.
RACHEL: 100.
- JOE: 9 x 10.
- RACHEL: 9 x 10 = 90.
JOE: 4.
- RACHEL: 4, 86.
- And then - 1.
- You say it.
- No, you say it.
- OK.
- LAUGHTER 1 + 1 = 2, x 100 = 200.
JOE: I'm losing faith.
I want to go for 289.
LAUGHTER Joe, how did you do it? How did you get 289? Just tell us that.
What I did is 100 + 4 x 10 is 140, x 2 + 9.
RACHEL: 289.
Four away.
OK, four away.
Seven points to Joe.
Shit! I won? - Rachel, could it be done, 285? - Leave it with me.
Rachel, it's your only job.
- It's literally all we pay you for.
- I know.
- What do you mean you can't do it? - Well, I'll be right with you.
OK, you carry on thinking about it.
So Johnny and Rhod have 16.
Joe and Roisin are in the lead with - Great.
- APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Tom, what have you got for us? - Thanks, babe.
- LAUGHTER I've been getting a lot of tweets recently from people saying, "Tom, can you explain about gay relationships "because we are stupid and can't understand anything for ourselves.
" LAUGHTER Well, thanks, Genevieve.
I can but try.
A lot of the time, gay relationships are just like heterosexual relationships but just better and with more attention to good lighting.
LAUGHTER One thing straight people always want to know about is coming out.
What age were you? What did your dad say? What did you do with your hair? LAUGHTER What they don't realise is that it is often something very low-key, like, "Mum, Dad, townsfolk LAUGHTER ".
.
gather round, I've got something to tell you.
"I need you to know that I am gayyyyy!" "Huh! Well, this is a huge shock.
"I guess we had our suspicions, "like when you wore a kimono to your dad's court case.
And when you insisted on serving Mai Tais at your grandmother's funeral.
LAUGHTER It's still a huge shock for us, we didn't know.
We just didn't know.
Dates tend to lean towards independent cinemas over the big chains because they have comfy seats, sell flapjacks and they just cost more.
LAUGHTER Now, gay or not, when you pay that sort of money, disappointment will still sting.
For example, "Clive, I hated that film! "La La Land? Blah Blah Land, they should have called it.
"I mean, nothing happened.
Girl meets boy.
The end.
" "Brian, you basic bitch LAUGHTER ".
.
just because it wasn't Moulin Rouge.
" - HE GASPS - "But I love Moulin Rouge.
"Clive, let's not argue, I'm starving.
Let's just go eat.
" "Well, should we have five guys?" "Yes, but what are we going to have for dinner?" LAUGHTER I hope that clears a few things up for you, Genevieve.
And to answer your next three questions, No, I don't want to go shopping with you.
Yes, it does hurt.
LAUGHTER And, no, I don't want to meet your brother.
LAUGHTER Tom Allen, everyone.
Superb.
- Before we go to the break, Rachel, have you got it? - Erm With this one you say: 9 + 1 + 1 = 11.
x 100 = 1,100.
Divide it by 4 for 275 and add the 10.
Rachel Riley, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ORGY MEET.
The clue is make sure you've got the right angle.
That's ORGY MEET.
Make sure you've got the right angle.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ORGY MEET.
The clue was - make sure you've got the right angle.
It was, of course, geometry.
OK, on with the game.
Johnny and Rhod, your turn to choose the letters.
Vowel, please.
RACHEL: I.
RHOD: Consonant.
T.
RHOD: Consonant, please.
R.
RHOD: Vowel.
U.
RHOD: Vowel.
A.
RHOD: Consonant, please.
L.
RHOD: Consonant.
N.
RHOD: Vowel, please.
E.
RHOD: Consonant, please.
- And the last one S.
- OK.
And your time starts now.
- Roisin, how many? - Seven.
- Seven? - What? - Joe, how many? - Sorry, I'm still in shock.
- LAUGHTER - Six.
- Johnny? I think I've got eight but I'm not sure.
Awesome.
OK, Rhod? Take your pick, four or nine.
LAUGHTER Nine, let's go with the nine.
OK.
Joe? Let's hear your six.
Trails.
Trails.
Roisin, your seven? Natures.
- SUSIE: Very good.
- Natures.
Johnny, your eight? - JOHNNY: Neutrals.
- Neutrals.
- Very nice.
- Very nice.
Well, Rhod, let's see your nine.
Well, my nine is spelt wrong but it's relations with a U, instead of an O.
- Relations with a U, instead of an O? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER Eight points to Johnny.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, no, they couldn't have done any better.
They could have got other eight-letter words and we do have a bit of a theme going on over here, don't we, Susie? Could've had latrines, urinates, urinals - seven.
If you could maybe, Susie, come up with a word that doesn't involve piss in some way.
And, Joe, you might kick yourself here because with trails you could have had entrails to make it an eight.
- Didn't want it.
- LAUGHTER Not interested.
OK, time for us to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
- Tom, what have you got for us this time? - Oh, Jimmy, welcome back! Now, a huge part of any relationship is having people round for dinner because it's a wonderful opportunity to show off your beautiful home and how good you are at folding napkins.
But what to cook? It's so difficult to be original.
So I've decided to take a trip down memory lane and I dug out some genuine vintage recipes to impress my dinner party guests with.
Susie, how would you start a meal normally? - Strip Scrabble.
- Strip Scrabble? - LAUGHTER You mean to eat? Susie, we have broken you! No, not Strip Scrabble, Susie, thank you.
I thought the perfect way to start any meal would be, of course, ham in aspic.
Hmm! Otherwise known as ham in gelatine, served on a bed of meat fat.
Tuck in, kids.
Save some for grandma, though.
LAUGHTER I was a bit worried that this dish might look a bit like, I don't know, upmarket dog food.
But then I realised how, to make anything fabulous, it's merely just to add a ring of peas.
Luckily, I had another meal up my sleeve and I brought out my delicious tropical taste of liver pineapple.
Hmm! What could be nicer than liver pate carved into the shape of a playful pineapple? But I know what a lot of you are thinking.
"Yes, Tom, how can I have dessert, though, "but still get my essential omega-3's?" Well, that's why I brought out my wonderful, and much-celebrated, tiger prawns in green jelly.
Doesn't it look nice? Unfortunately, some of my guests weren't ready for this jelly, so what I had to do was dim the lights and ask everybody to chow down on my Banana candles.
Hmm-hmm! These weren't quite right for some of my guests, so luckily I had one more trick up my sleeve and that's when I brought out my deliciousbananas hollandaise! Ohh! Why did nobody think of this before? Covering bananas in ham and then smothering them with delicious hollandaise sauce.
So the good news is, I had lots of leftovers and so I've brought them here for you tonight.
Here they are, my banana hollandaise! Doesn't it look lovely? Now, would anybody like to try it? I love diarrhoea as much as the next guy LAUGHTER Well, if you don't like that then more fool you.
It's just like Christmas cos I've brought mybanana candles! Ohh! Don't they look lovely? 100% up for the banana candle.
- SUSIE: Are you going to go for it? - Yeah, sure.
- Can I try one? - How do you eat it? - That's it, all down.
- Oh, nearly all the way.
- LAUGHTER - Susie.
- Susie! Susie, please! Oh, don't shake it like that! LAUGHTER Goodness me! - Would you like one, Rhod? - I'll try one.
You've got the pineapple rings underneath.
Uhh.
Ohh! We married in the spring.
LAUGHTER - Tom Allen, everyone.
- Thank you very much.
OK, the scores at the moment - Joe and Roisin have 19.
Johnny and Rhod are in the lead with And here is your final teaser.
The words are ASS SERUM.
The clue is - grease me up.
That's ASS SERUM.
Grease me up.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ASS SERUM, the clue was "grease me up".
It was, of course, MASSEURS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Joe and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
Could I have a consonant, please? - Thanks, Joe.
- You're welcome.
- M.
Vowel.
I Thank you.
A consonant.
V Vowel.
O Consonant.
L Consonant.
S A vowel.
A Consonant.
N - And another consonant, please.
- And another last one.
G OK, your 39 seconds startsnow.
Come on.
LOUD ELECTRONIC CLICKING HE EXHALES Wow! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE - That guy is dynamite.
Joe, how many? - I thought I had an eight.
- But there's only one G.
- You must be gutted, mate.
I'm not bothered.
- OK, Roisin, how many did you get? - Five.
- Five.
- OK.
Rhod? - Seven.
- Seven! - Johnny? - Umfive.
- Five.
OK.
Joe, let's hear your none.
I thought there were two Gs.
SLAGGING.
- You need three for that.
- Actually, I needed three, didn't I? - Yeah.
- So, Roisin, you got five.
What did you get? - SLING.
- SLING.
- OK, Johnny, your six.
- VIOLA.
- Is VIOLA an instrument? Of course VIOLA's an instrument! I've never come across one.
- You've never come across a VIOLA? - Are you winding me up? Is there - an instrument called a VIOLA? - It's like a violin but different.
I've never met a dolphin, but it doesn't mean they are not out there.
- Has everyone heard of VIOLAS? - Yes! Oh, fuck off! I'll give you a test.
Have you heard a piano? I'm not playing this, this sounds like a game designed for me to fail.
A bit like Countdown, isn't it? - Rhod, your seven? - SLAVING.
- Seven points to Rhod! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? No, they could have just done the same with SOLVING.
Another seven-letter word.
So, well done, Rhod, I say.
OK, so Joe and Roisin have 19, Johnny and Rhod have 31.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
And your time startsnow.
SPRAWLING.
No, shit, carry on! LAUGHTER OK, I'll restart the clock.
OK, let's have a look.
So, the final scores are, Joe and Roisin have 19 points, but tonight's winners, with 31, Johnny and Rhod.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of the Countdown dog kennel.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and thank you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 3 million new books are added to the British Library every year? But not Susie Dent's books.
They go straight to the special British Library landfill site.
Amazingly, there are around 6,000 different languages in the world today and my favourite is the international language of love, although I only know a couple of phrases - "that's never happened to me before" and "is it in yet?" And in Japan, the saying "wearing a cat on your head" means you're pretending to be innocent, whereas in America, wearing a cat on your head means you're President.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's special guest team captain Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING Joe Wilkinson.
To you, he's a comedian, an actor, but to a family of head lice, he's an all-you-can-eat buffet.
And Joe's team-mate Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING Roisin says she has 80 cousins, which can be explained two ways - she's from a big Irish family or she's that shit at maths.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Johnny Vegas.
CHEERING Last year, Johnny went to the Paralympics in Rio, but it turned out being born without a sense of moderation doesn't count as a disability.
LAUGHTER JOE LAUGHS Oh, yeah, laughing at that, aren't you?! I kept quiet.
I kept quiet.
- JOE: Sorry, love.
- JOHNNY: I felt for you.
JOE: Thanks.
Sorry.
Johnny, I can't help but notice, if you were to stand up and someone were to stand in front of you, you could take a police photo.
I know.
I know, I know.
I didn't opt for this jumper.
Somebody in production wanted to modernise me and now I look like I own a longboat.
So I'm wearing it, so move on and cut a fat kid a break, all right? - I'm just saying, Tom Allen got the memo on how to dress.
- Thank you.
Exactly the same as me.
Yes, I did.
I'm in a suit as well, so Yeah, the thing about my suit and Tom's suit is no-one's died in them.
Yeah, fair enough, yeah.
Joining Johnny tonight, it's Rhod Gilbert.
CHEERING - Rhod is very good at Count - Bring 'em on, rubber head! Ah, I hope you win now.
Rhod's favourite Welsh word is "popty ping", meaning "microwave", as used in the famous Welsh phrase, "I've stolen a popty ping.
" - Because - Even I'm laughing now.
Who cares? Yeah.
Let's go for it.
OK, so, Johnny, you're guest team captain this week.
So how are you going to take down Joe and Roisin? What do you think their weakness is? With Joe, just remind him of how many outstanding offences are against him.
Eye contact, he's JOE: Oh, I don't like that.
JOHNNY: .
.
probably not very good with him.
When somebody actually looks at him, he's used to people getting nervous and walking off.
But all I have to do now is undress and put some bras on a washing line and he'll shit himself and jump over a hedge.
He's done me.
Er, we're just going to hold our own.
Rhod's going Basically, he's going to carry me and I'm going to offer a show of strength.
I like the fact you've not mentioned the threat that I pose.
What do you think I'm going to do? I know that, mathematically, you know, you are crouching tiger, hidden tortoise.
Rhod, you're surprisingly good at Countdown.
When you say "surprisingly", what do you mean, Jimmy? I was surprised at how good you were.
Why were you surprised at how good I was? Because of how you talk.
As you were.
Do you think you're going to win against these two? The only chance we're going to lose, I'm quite good at the letters, I'm all right, but numbers is my I'm much better on the words than I am on the numbers.
I'll prove it to you, Jimmy.
Think of a number between one and ten.
- Don't tell me, think of it.
- OK.
- OK, and reveal it now.
- Seven.
See? Not very good with numbers.
But words and letters, OK, let's make this interesting.
- Think of a number between one and 1,000, any number you like.
- Yeah.
Don't want to change your mind? He's in my head! OK, Johnny.
In my underpants .
.
have a little root around in there.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
It's in the pants.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, the pants?! - Yeah.
I thought it was in your anus.
We found it.
GROANING LAUGHTER Why would you smell that, Johnny? I've been told I smell better from behind than - I do from the front, so that bit in between - You what, sorry? You sweat more? What do you do, sorry? He said he smells better from behind than he does from the front! No, lovers have told me.
"Lovers have told me.
" On date night, if I come in the room backwards, it helps to maintain the mood.
OK, what's written on the paper? - Remember, it's a number between one and 1,000 you chose, Jimmy.
- Yes.
Keep it in your head.
Let's have a look, Johnny.
What was it? ROISIN GASPS Better with words and letters than I am with numbers.
APPLAUSE OK, what have you been up to, recently, Joe? Er, you know, hanging about.
Erm, a bit of trampoline.
I've been up to stuff.
I had a bit of a shitty night the other night, though, cos I I think we'll all agree, there's, ermnothing worse than turning up to a booty call to find out they've text the wrong person.
But I did think it was a bit weird cos I hardly ever speak to my Auntie Pam.
I said, "Pam, I'm here now.
" Fussy woman.
OK, Roisin, it says here you once wanted to be a country and western singer.
- Is that true? - Yes.
So when were you singing country and western? When was this? When I was, like 12, before I hit puberty and I was, like, "I'm just writing all my country and western songs.
" Planning out my career.
And my cousin's boyfriend sat down and he was, like, "Shame you can't really sing, though, isn't it?" And I literally went like this, "Yeah" And it was really dramatic, I got outside the room and, like, slid down a wall, like, "Oh, God! "Oh, no, I'll have to do my GCSEs!" Could you give us, like, a little snippet of one of the early Roisin Conaty country specials? - Come on! - It would be a treat for everyone.
- No! I'm not going to sing a country and western song.
- Do it.
- Do it, do it - They're not good, they're not good! Right, OK, I was eight and a half, they're not very good and they're not very funny, so you've brought it on yourselves.
Is that the title of the first one, You've Brought It On Yourself? I like it.
# Get up in the morning at half past eight # Go downstairs now # Brush my teeth and wash my face # Go into the kitchen # Have toast and soft-boiled eggs I hate school.
Roisin, what's your mascot? My mascot is, I have got 80 first cousins.
- Was that on this show you said that? - Yeah, just now, yeah.
LAUGHTER I want a new team-mate! I want a new team-mate! So I've got 80 first cousins from a big Irish family, so I've brought this Irish Cos I've done this show a lot and I've run out of mascots, but now I'm just calling my dead ancestors.
The luck of the Irish is what I'm hoping for.
Are you trying to upset your dead ancestors? Put your thumb in your mouth and blow and just like that, go woooo! Did it work? No, you've got to get the front on.
Do it again, Joe.
LAUGHTER I lost confidence! I'm sitting going like this for no reason! - I thought it'd be funny not to do it.
- Go on, Joe.
Go on.
I'm not doing it again cos he's not going to lift the hat.
- He's going to do it this time.
- I'm going to do it.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- No, no, do it this time, though, Joe.
- Now way! This time, he's going to do it.
- I will flip this desk! - OK.
- Ready? - There you go, you can feel I'm holding it.
- I'm so trusting.
I was never going to do it.
OK, Rhod, have you got a mascot? I do, it's under this big, blue curtain here.
We should probably have a look, then.
Ooh! What is it? It's a postbox, Jimmy.
I know you ask people to go there for you, but you must have seen one.
- Why have you got that? - It's a magic postbox, Jimmy.
- Magic? - Yeah.
- How is it magic? - It's a magic postbox.
- You'll see how it is magic as the game develops.
- OK.
- Does it have any significance for you? - Yeah, obviously.
I wouldn't have brought it otherwise.
OK, Rhod, we'll keep an eye out for your magic letterbox.
- Joe, have you got a mascot? - Er, yep.
Erm Do you want to see it? - Yeah, go on.
- Er, can you bring out the mascot, then? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE His, erm his, er, his plonker's out.
Jimmy, can you pop his plonker in? Just pop his plonker in.
Thanks.
There's been so much willy touching in this game.
It's not the first time I've had to do that for you.
GASPING AND LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What What just happened there? Er, Fabio thinks he's real.
And he gets really jealo Oh, shit.
Can we, erm Let's edit that just so I don't have a mascot.
- OK, Johnny, have you got a mascot? - I have got a mascot.
It's one of my darting heroes Andy Fordham, AKA The Viking, - and he's here this evening.
- Oh! And I'd like to welcome him, if you would, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Fordham.
It's Andy Fordham, everyone.
Andy Fordham! CHEERING OK, why do you love Andy Fordham so much, Johnny? I love him because years ago, he finally got my head out of my own arse and got me into the zone darts-wise.
Taught me how to play, taught me how to throw.
Became a bit of a life coach.
We've drifted over time, but if you can't use an opportunity like being on this going, "What do you want?" And you go, "I want my friend back.
" So he might not be a mascot, but he's a pal, and you paid his travel, sucker.
- But we do have an ambition.
- What's your ambition? When I play without you nowadays - Andy You know the 101? - Yep.
Six starts or more.
I'd like to throw darts with you tonight and if we get over 101, erm at least get to borrow Jimmy's speedboat.
OK, bring on the dartboard.
Guys, come over to the oche.
Good to see you, boys.
Oh, yeah.
Andy Fordham, Johnny Vegas, you've got three darts each.
You're trying to get more than 101.
Good luck, gents.
You're to throw first.
- 20.
- Bearing in mind, Andy, I'm shit.
- 81.
- OK, Andy scored 81.
Johnny, you're up next.
You've got to get 20.
LAUGHTER What did you get, Johnny? Cos we've only got a picture of the board.
What did you hit? APPLAUSE 27, you've only gone and bloody done it! HE GASPS Mother APPLAUSE Jimmy, this one's for you.
GASPING AND LAUGHTER Wheyyyy! Up until now, I came on here tonight as Johnny Vegas.
I leave as The Hornet.
Bear that in mind.
Andy Fordham, everyone.
One more time.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Tom Allen.
APPLAUSE Oh, thank you.
Thanks.
Tom has an irrational fear of falling off stage, which actually makes sense after what happened to his uncle Humpty Dumpty.
So, Tom, you're a well-dressed man.
Do you judge people based on their outfits? Well, thank you for asking me that, Jimmy.
I No, I don't tend to judge people on how they're dressed, because you don't know what they've been through.
You know, they might be colour-blind or they might be a straight man.
You just don't know.
I have been judging people quite a lot recently on whether or not they vape.
You know, I always thought smoking was supposed to be rebellious, but there's nothing rebellious, is there, about, like, a 40-year-old man called Barry smoking something called popcorn surprise? OK, and with Tom, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING Susie has had 14 books about lexicography published.
Add to that her 20 volumes of sadomasochistic erotic fan fiction and you have to admit she's really quite prolific.
Susie, what have you been looking into recently? What have I been looking into? The last time you asked me that, you said, "apart from glory holes.
" LAUGHTER Yes, I did.
For me, a glory hole, it's been around since the 1600s and it's just a space where you just put loads of junk.
I beg your pardon! LAUGHTER Yeah, that's still what it means! That's still what it means.
OK, so, as ever, I had to get Rachel to educate me on these things.
- She's good, she's my repository of dirty knowledge.
- A what?! - "My repository"? - That's another word for glory hole, Susie! - Do you know what? I've never seen one, actually.
- Oh, shut up! - I've never seen one.
- I mean, how do you I always think, how would you build a glory hole? Would you have to go into a cubicle with a Black & Decker? Bzzzz Oh, no, sorry, wrong side! Bzzzz And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING Rachel, you were clearly quite a swot at school.
What's the naughtiest thing you did at school? Erm, we got through to the National Athletics Finals once and my parents were supposed to go to, like, a christening or something in Manchester, so I stayed behind to do the athletics and had a party while they were away.
Essex teenagers, so invite, you know, 20 people and, like, 100 or so show up, and the reason I got caught was because You got pregnant? LAUGHTER My parents rang the home phone and my friend's boyfriend picked up and they thought that was weird to start with and they said, "Is Rachel there?" and he said, "Who's Rachel?" It was a good party.
Don't remember much of it.
I'm from Essex.
LAUGHTER OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown dog kennel.
APPLAUSE OK, let's countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Johnny and Rhod, you get the first pick of the letters.
Rhod, you choose.
- I've forgotten how to do it.
Oh, a vowel, please.
- Thank you, Rhod.
A Consonant.
R Another consonant.
K - JOHNNY GASPS - I've got one! Shhh! A vowel, please.
I Consonant, please.
D JOHNNY GASPS - "Our kid!" - LAUGHTER Another consonant, please.
F Vowel.
E Another vowel.
U Consonant, please.
L OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
HEAVY METAL MUSIC FINAL GUITAR CHORD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Where's everyone gone? I thought we were hanging out.
Roisin, what have you got? Go to someone else first.
LAUGHTER Joe, what have you got? Er, seven Six! Six! OK, Johnny, what have you got? - Six.
- Rhod? - I will use my magic postbox at this point.
- Sure, go ahead.
Well, my magic postbox is, when I got something in my head, but I can't get at it, I can't access it, quite You know, sometimes you get Then I would go .
.
and my magic postbox would usually read my mind.
LAUGHTER Feels like it just missed it.
Sometimes I can't read my own mind.
My magic postbox steps in and, erm - So I've got a seven.
- Shit.
- Roisin, what have you got? - I've got six.
- Joe, your six is? LARKED - LARKED.
- That's what I had.
- Yeah, it's really good.
- It's a good six, but it's not a seven.
- Johnny? - LARKED.
- LARKED as well.
OK, Rhod - Shit! - Rhod, your seven from the magic postbox.
- It was FLAKIER.
ROISIN: I've been on this show about ten times and FLAKIER comes up so much.
Well, why didn't you pissing say it?! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Who's in the box, Rhod? Nobody's in the postbox, it's a magic postbox.
What is it about magic you don't understand? As your captain, you don't have to answer these questions.
I don't have to answer these questions.
I brought a magic postbox as my mascot and it's magic and it reads my mind.
I mean, there is a girl sat there.
LAUGHTER OK, Rhod, clearly cheating there, so six points to both teams.
Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? They could have done, yes.
A seven-letter word, ironically, FAILURE.
OK, so at the end of that, both teams have 6 points.
APPLAUSE OK, onto our first numbers round.
Joe and Roisin, you get to pick the numbers.
- Two from the top - Two from the top.
.
.
and all the magic ones.
- he four magic ones? - Yeah, four magic ones.
OK, right, they are 6, 3, 4, 1, 75 and 50, and the target, 472.
Your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 472.
Rhod, did you get it? What's the number at the top? - 472.
- 472 it is.
- OK, Johnny, have you got it? - Yep.
- Joe, did you get it? - No.
- Erm, 466.
- 466? Pretty close.
OK, Roisin, did you get it? - I think I did.
- Oh, Roisin, tell me, how did you do it? 6 x 75 = 450 - Yep.
- Yeah And then 4 x 6 You've done the 6, love.
Oh.
1 + 4 Oh, fuck! 1 + 4 = 5 - Yeah.
- Times I feel sick.
3 x 5 = 15 And, er I mean, I suppose if we gave you an infinite amount of time, you're bound to get there in the end.
- Johnny, did you get it? - Yeah.
- Go on.
1 + 6 = 7 7 x 50 = 350 350 + 75 350 + 75 = 425 Hang on You've done that wrong.
No, no 7 x 75 7 x 75 = 525 525 - 75 You've already used it! I mean, minus the, er - Minus the 50.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we're getting there.
Rachel, if you're not up to this, just say.
LAUGHTER Minus the three.
Johnny! APPLAUSE That's 10 points to Johnny Vegas! CHEERING OK, so Joe and Roisin have 6, Johnny and Rhod have 16.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are I RUB RASH, the clue is - that'll clear up nicely.
That's I RUB RASH - that'll clear up nicely.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were I RUB RASH.
The clue was - that'll clear up nicely.
It was of course airbrush.
So, Johnny and Rhod are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Roisin and Johnny.
- Oh - So, Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
May I have a consonant, please.
P.
A consonant.
B.
A vowel, please.
E.
- JOE WHISPERS: Pube.
- Another vowel.
- LAUGHTER I.
A vowel, please.
O.
Another consonant, please.
D.
- JOE: Pubed.
- LAUGHTER Another consonant, please.
R.
Another consonant, please.
- L.
- That's nice, we'll have an L.
And a vowel, please.
E.
OK, and your time starts now.
Do you want tea? Biscuits.
I forgot the biscuits, bring the biscuits in.
Sorry, I forgot the biscuits.
All right, lovely.
Well, you've done those too big.
LAUGHTER JOE: He's got a nice body, hasn't he? RHOD: What's going on? - Very nice.
- Johnny, I got you a biscuit.
Oh, Cheers.
Joe, I got you a custard cream.
- Lovely stuff.
Cheers, pal.
- OK.
And I got you You got a lovely bourbon.
- Thanks, Jimmy.
- No problem at all.
- Oh, it's massive.
- LAUGHTER It's really nice.
This is the life - puzzles and massive biscuits.
Who says you need to do well at school?! LAUGHTER - Oh, you're disgusting.
- LAUGHTER - It's so nice.
- It's brilliant.
It's like you've shrunk.
It does look as if you are tiny.
This is the second-best party ring I've ever had.
LAUGHTER Rhod, are you off the jammie dodgers? - I thought you'd be a jammie dodger man.
- No, I quite like - But I normally - LAUGHTER Get him a bucket.
LAUGHTER - Do what birds do.
- What do birds do? You feed it to me, I'll chew it up and spit it back in your mouth.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER That sounds like a good idea.
I'm definitely going to throw up.
AUDIENCE GASPS AND GROANS OK, Roisin, what have you got? Period.
And the BAFTA moment goes to the tea spurting from Johnny Vegas.
- Can I just say, Jimmy, we've got a nine over here.
- What have you got? Tell him, Johnny.
Tell him now.
I had a six-letter word.
Then, on the inspiration of this guy and the distraction of a giant biscuit .
.
did I realise, hey, there's going to be loads of leftovers.
And I looked at the letters that were left over and I added them and I came up with preboiled.
Preboiled? Is preboiled in there for nine? It's not, I'm afraid.
Sorry, Johnny.
So that means six points to Roisin for period.
Could they have done any better, Susie, Tom? They could have done a lot better.
They could have had replied.
Seven.
OK, so at the end of that, Joe and Roisin have 12.
Johnny and Rhod have 16.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Joe and Rhod to go head-to-head.
Rhod, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Oh, numbers, is it? - Yeah.
- Ahh! JOE: I'm all over this.
RHOD: One from the top, five from anywhere else, please.
RACHEL: All right.
You've got 1, another 1, 4, 9, 10 and 100.
And the target, 285.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER - Joe, did you get it? - Er, no.
I got - Rhod, did you get it? - Not yet but I've got a good feeling about it.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah, I have got it, yeah.
- You have got it? - Yeah.
- OK, how did you get it? Well, I say I've got it.
285 it is.
I've just got to get there now with those numbers.
LAUGHTER Joe, how did you get 289? 4 x 10 + 100.
1 + 1 = 2.
RACHEL: Yeah.
Oh, yeah, times those together.
RACHEL: 2 x 40? JOE: Oh, no.
Have you added the 100 yet? Catch up.
LAUGHTER - Add the 100 to the 40.
- Pop 100 on the 40.
- I've got it.
- RACHEL: Ah, 140.
- I've got it.
I've fucking got it! - Oh, no, I've done it differently.
- My handwriting's changed.
- LAUGHTER Add the x 2.
RACHEL: 100.
- JOE: 9 x 10.
- RACHEL: 9 x 10 = 90.
JOE: 4.
- RACHEL: 4, 86.
- And then - 1.
- You say it.
- No, you say it.
- OK.
- LAUGHTER 1 + 1 = 2, x 100 = 200.
JOE: I'm losing faith.
I want to go for 289.
LAUGHTER Joe, how did you do it? How did you get 289? Just tell us that.
What I did is 100 + 4 x 10 is 140, x 2 + 9.
RACHEL: 289.
Four away.
OK, four away.
Seven points to Joe.
Shit! I won? - Rachel, could it be done, 285? - Leave it with me.
Rachel, it's your only job.
- It's literally all we pay you for.
- I know.
- What do you mean you can't do it? - Well, I'll be right with you.
OK, you carry on thinking about it.
So Johnny and Rhod have 16.
Joe and Roisin are in the lead with - Great.
- APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Tom, what have you got for us? - Thanks, babe.
- LAUGHTER I've been getting a lot of tweets recently from people saying, "Tom, can you explain about gay relationships "because we are stupid and can't understand anything for ourselves.
" LAUGHTER Well, thanks, Genevieve.
I can but try.
A lot of the time, gay relationships are just like heterosexual relationships but just better and with more attention to good lighting.
LAUGHTER One thing straight people always want to know about is coming out.
What age were you? What did your dad say? What did you do with your hair? LAUGHTER What they don't realise is that it is often something very low-key, like, "Mum, Dad, townsfolk LAUGHTER ".
.
gather round, I've got something to tell you.
"I need you to know that I am gayyyyy!" "Huh! Well, this is a huge shock.
"I guess we had our suspicions, "like when you wore a kimono to your dad's court case.
And when you insisted on serving Mai Tais at your grandmother's funeral.
LAUGHTER It's still a huge shock for us, we didn't know.
We just didn't know.
Dates tend to lean towards independent cinemas over the big chains because they have comfy seats, sell flapjacks and they just cost more.
LAUGHTER Now, gay or not, when you pay that sort of money, disappointment will still sting.
For example, "Clive, I hated that film! "La La Land? Blah Blah Land, they should have called it.
"I mean, nothing happened.
Girl meets boy.
The end.
" "Brian, you basic bitch LAUGHTER ".
.
just because it wasn't Moulin Rouge.
" - HE GASPS - "But I love Moulin Rouge.
"Clive, let's not argue, I'm starving.
Let's just go eat.
" "Well, should we have five guys?" "Yes, but what are we going to have for dinner?" LAUGHTER I hope that clears a few things up for you, Genevieve.
And to answer your next three questions, No, I don't want to go shopping with you.
Yes, it does hurt.
LAUGHTER And, no, I don't want to meet your brother.
LAUGHTER Tom Allen, everyone.
Superb.
- Before we go to the break, Rachel, have you got it? - Erm With this one you say: 9 + 1 + 1 = 11.
x 100 = 1,100.
Divide it by 4 for 275 and add the 10.
Rachel Riley, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are ORGY MEET.
The clue is make sure you've got the right angle.
That's ORGY MEET.
Make sure you've got the right angle.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ORGY MEET.
The clue was - make sure you've got the right angle.
It was, of course, geometry.
OK, on with the game.
Johnny and Rhod, your turn to choose the letters.
Vowel, please.
RACHEL: I.
RHOD: Consonant.
T.
RHOD: Consonant, please.
R.
RHOD: Vowel.
U.
RHOD: Vowel.
A.
RHOD: Consonant, please.
L.
RHOD: Consonant.
N.
RHOD: Vowel, please.
E.
RHOD: Consonant, please.
- And the last one S.
- OK.
And your time starts now.
- Roisin, how many? - Seven.
- Seven? - What? - Joe, how many? - Sorry, I'm still in shock.
- LAUGHTER - Six.
- Johnny? I think I've got eight but I'm not sure.
Awesome.
OK, Rhod? Take your pick, four or nine.
LAUGHTER Nine, let's go with the nine.
OK.
Joe? Let's hear your six.
Trails.
Trails.
Roisin, your seven? Natures.
- SUSIE: Very good.
- Natures.
Johnny, your eight? - JOHNNY: Neutrals.
- Neutrals.
- Very nice.
- Very nice.
Well, Rhod, let's see your nine.
Well, my nine is spelt wrong but it's relations with a U, instead of an O.
- Relations with a U, instead of an O? - Yeah.
LAUGHTER Eight points to Johnny.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, no, they couldn't have done any better.
They could have got other eight-letter words and we do have a bit of a theme going on over here, don't we, Susie? Could've had latrines, urinates, urinals - seven.
If you could maybe, Susie, come up with a word that doesn't involve piss in some way.
And, Joe, you might kick yourself here because with trails you could have had entrails to make it an eight.
- Didn't want it.
- LAUGHTER Not interested.
OK, time for us to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
- Tom, what have you got for us this time? - Oh, Jimmy, welcome back! Now, a huge part of any relationship is having people round for dinner because it's a wonderful opportunity to show off your beautiful home and how good you are at folding napkins.
But what to cook? It's so difficult to be original.
So I've decided to take a trip down memory lane and I dug out some genuine vintage recipes to impress my dinner party guests with.
Susie, how would you start a meal normally? - Strip Scrabble.
- Strip Scrabble? - LAUGHTER You mean to eat? Susie, we have broken you! No, not Strip Scrabble, Susie, thank you.
I thought the perfect way to start any meal would be, of course, ham in aspic.
Hmm! Otherwise known as ham in gelatine, served on a bed of meat fat.
Tuck in, kids.
Save some for grandma, though.
LAUGHTER I was a bit worried that this dish might look a bit like, I don't know, upmarket dog food.
But then I realised how, to make anything fabulous, it's merely just to add a ring of peas.
Luckily, I had another meal up my sleeve and I brought out my delicious tropical taste of liver pineapple.
Hmm! What could be nicer than liver pate carved into the shape of a playful pineapple? But I know what a lot of you are thinking.
"Yes, Tom, how can I have dessert, though, "but still get my essential omega-3's?" Well, that's why I brought out my wonderful, and much-celebrated, tiger prawns in green jelly.
Doesn't it look nice? Unfortunately, some of my guests weren't ready for this jelly, so what I had to do was dim the lights and ask everybody to chow down on my Banana candles.
Hmm-hmm! These weren't quite right for some of my guests, so luckily I had one more trick up my sleeve and that's when I brought out my deliciousbananas hollandaise! Ohh! Why did nobody think of this before? Covering bananas in ham and then smothering them with delicious hollandaise sauce.
So the good news is, I had lots of leftovers and so I've brought them here for you tonight.
Here they are, my banana hollandaise! Doesn't it look lovely? Now, would anybody like to try it? I love diarrhoea as much as the next guy LAUGHTER Well, if you don't like that then more fool you.
It's just like Christmas cos I've brought mybanana candles! Ohh! Don't they look lovely? 100% up for the banana candle.
- SUSIE: Are you going to go for it? - Yeah, sure.
- Can I try one? - How do you eat it? - That's it, all down.
- Oh, nearly all the way.
- LAUGHTER - Susie.
- Susie! Susie, please! Oh, don't shake it like that! LAUGHTER Goodness me! - Would you like one, Rhod? - I'll try one.
You've got the pineapple rings underneath.
Uhh.
Ohh! We married in the spring.
LAUGHTER - Tom Allen, everyone.
- Thank you very much.
OK, the scores at the moment - Joe and Roisin have 19.
Johnny and Rhod are in the lead with And here is your final teaser.
The words are ASS SERUM.
The clue is - grease me up.
That's ASS SERUM.
Grease me up.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were ASS SERUM, the clue was "grease me up".
It was, of course, MASSEURS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Joe and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
Could I have a consonant, please? - Thanks, Joe.
- You're welcome.
- M.
Vowel.
I Thank you.
A consonant.
V Vowel.
O Consonant.
L Consonant.
S A vowel.
A Consonant.
N - And another consonant, please.
- And another last one.
G OK, your 39 seconds startsnow.
Come on.
LOUD ELECTRONIC CLICKING HE EXHALES Wow! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE - That guy is dynamite.
Joe, how many? - I thought I had an eight.
- But there's only one G.
- You must be gutted, mate.
I'm not bothered.
- OK, Roisin, how many did you get? - Five.
- Five.
- OK.
Rhod? - Seven.
- Seven! - Johnny? - Umfive.
- Five.
OK.
Joe, let's hear your none.
I thought there were two Gs.
SLAGGING.
- You need three for that.
- Actually, I needed three, didn't I? - Yeah.
- So, Roisin, you got five.
What did you get? - SLING.
- SLING.
- OK, Johnny, your six.
- VIOLA.
- Is VIOLA an instrument? Of course VIOLA's an instrument! I've never come across one.
- You've never come across a VIOLA? - Are you winding me up? Is there - an instrument called a VIOLA? - It's like a violin but different.
I've never met a dolphin, but it doesn't mean they are not out there.
- Has everyone heard of VIOLAS? - Yes! Oh, fuck off! I'll give you a test.
Have you heard a piano? I'm not playing this, this sounds like a game designed for me to fail.
A bit like Countdown, isn't it? - Rhod, your seven? - SLAVING.
- Seven points to Rhod! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? No, they could have just done the same with SOLVING.
Another seven-letter word.
So, well done, Rhod, I say.
OK, so Joe and Roisin have 19, Johnny and Rhod have 31.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
And your time startsnow.
SPRAWLING.
No, shit, carry on! LAUGHTER OK, I'll restart the clock.
OK, let's have a look.
So, the final scores are, Joe and Roisin have 19 points, but tonight's winners, with 31, Johnny and Rhod.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of the Countdown dog kennel.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and thank you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING