8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s18e04 Episode Script
Rob Beckett, Alan Carr, Sarah Millican, Nick Mohammed
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Alan Carr, Rob Beckett, Sarah Millican, Mr Swallow, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
This is the perfect show for people who've lost the remote control but don't want to go to bed quite yet.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock has a very unique look, and that look is a Russian guy in a YouTube video making a bear dance with a cattle prod.
We've all got to make a bit of money on the side, Jimmy.
You do Your Face Or Mine, I do Russian bears on YouTube.
He's right.
And Sean's team-mate, Rob Beckett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rob Beckett is perfect for anyone who wants to know what it would look like if Boris Johnson had a baby with a beaver.
Up against them this evening is guest team captain Alan Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alan says he had a hard time at school because he wore braces, which begs the question, how long did you wear braces for, Alan? What was it, an hour? Honestly, three braces.
I hit them on a caravan hook in Great Yarmouth.
That's why they're That's why they look like they're having a party - I hit them on a caravan hook.
Honestly, I shouldn't be alive! Were you trying to pull a caravan? Yes, I was in the World's Strongest Gay! LAUGHTER And joining Alan tonight, it's Sarah Millican.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sarah's from South Shields, near Newcastle, and what the people in South Shields are shielded from is longevity and jobs.
ROB CACKLES Alan, apparently you had a bit of a drama last time you were here.
What happened? Well, you know I had a drama last time I was here.
They put you in the hotel next door.
I slept-walked OUT the hotel, round the car park and back into the hotel, and it's amazing how quick they do check you in when you're there in your pants.
They were like, "Come on in, come on in!" And I was in me pants And I had awful pants.
You know the ones from the market - I had those.
You know, Dolce and Banana - those ones.
And I was just walking, just walking around, and I was, like, in a trance.
- Have you done this before? Have you slept-walked? - No, no, no.
I talk in me sleep, I've pissed the bed, but I've never .
.
I've never slept-walked.
But, honestly, it was very odd, very odd.
Sarah, you recently toured in Australia.
What was your favourite thing about being down under? I liked the danger of it, - cos there's loads of things that can kill you there.
- Oh, yeah.
So, every night I checked me bed.
Every time we would change hotel, I'd check me bed, and the most I found was a couple of pubes, so Oh, but they were mine - it's fine.
- Uh - Were you scared of any of that stuff? Pubes? I'm scared of them falling out! I'm scared of spiders generally, so spiders that can kill me, then, yes.
Aren't you scared of spiders that can kill you? I was strangely fine with it in Australia.
I thought I'd be frightened, and I was kind of, "Yeah, it'll be all right.
" Maybe you just don't have much to live for.
- Can I say that? Did you go to Auckland? - Yeah.
Did you stay at that? You must have done that, stayed at that hotel in Auckland - next to the bungee-jumping tower.
- Yeah.
My God! They don't tell you.
- You check in, there's people - You didn't sleep-walk? .
.
passing through the window, screaming.
I'm like, "How shit is this hotel?!" HE IMITATES SCREAMING You ain't been there.
There's a bungee jump - Erm, Sean.
- Yes? - Have you ever saved anyone's life? Jimmy, I don't think you become leader of a mountain rescue team for 15 years without saving a few lives.
I go out in all weathers, except sleet .
.
or if there's someone good on The One Show.
I say, "No, I'm not going.
They can wait till morning" Mind you, it's tricky these days isn't it? Saving lives.
I mean, if someone invented the Heimlich manoeuvre now, they'd be like, "Whoa, you can't do that, can you?" Grab a stranger around the waist and pull them closer to you.
You know? I mean, especially, if you're a 25-year-old lingerie model and you need the kiss of life, forget it.
A 55-year-old binman - pucker up.
Rob, if you could ask any celebrity one question, what would it be? Err, well, actually, I've always wanted to ask you a question.
I've never found the right time, so maybe now's the right time.
Do it.
Can you cry? Not like I don't want you to now, but do you have the ability to cry? What is crying? I just can't imagine you ever just Have you ever cried? Yeah, I think, when I had to pay the tax.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Sarah have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
When I was a kid, about six or seven, we didn't have a uniform at school, and my mam put me in a T-shirt that said, "I love school", and then underneath, it said, ".
.
when it's closed!" cos she was ajoker.
But I was so nervous about being sent home from school cos it was quite naughty, that I tucked the bottom bit in.
So, I just wore a T-shirt that said, "I love school.
" So, I've got the T-shirt.
No, it still fits.
there we go.
ROB: You must have had some really high-waisted trousers, though, to cut off SARAH: I know, yeah, proper Simon Cowell'd it, yeah.
Rob, have you got a mascot? Oh, yes, erm, quite an international themed one.
I got this one from Russia.
I got this guy.
I got it for my kids.
It sings a nice little song and it sort of makes me happy.
So, you want to hear it? It's BEAR SINGS IN SPANISH - That is soothing.
- I love it! It can hit some notes as well, the geezer.
BEAR HOLDS NOTE There it is.
BEAR CONTINUES SINGING LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's a proper mascot.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I do.
I've always felt that nothing shows your true allegiance, passionate support, fondness forappetite for something than a football scarf.
So if you've got a football the name of your football team on a scarf So, you know you must really like that team.
And I thought, well, why can't we do that with other things in our life that we like? And, like, who, for example, doesn't love .
.
gravy? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHANTS: Gravy! Gravy! And of course, if you like a particular TV show, I mean, the 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown scarf was a bit too long for a man of my size, but I'm perfect for .
.
Springwatch! - Anyone love Springwatch? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm actually I'm actually banned from where they record it.
I'm just there going, "Springwatch!" Cos some reed throated warblers were hatching and I was .
.
I was putting them off.
"Springwatch!" - It's a wonderful charm.
- Yeah.
I mean, I know Rob will be happy to wear this scarf cos I know he's a big fan.
In fact we all are.
We're all big fans of .
.
Krishnan Guru-Murthy! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BOTH: # We love you, Krishnan, we do! # We love you, Krishnan, we do! # We love you, Krishnan, we Time to get rid of that Snow fella and just have Krishnan.
There's my I'm going to wear my Krishnan Guru-Murthy scarf.
I love it.
Alan, have you got a mascot? I'm very proud of this mascot, I absolutely love it.
I can't wait to show you it.
It's over here.
Thank you so much, love.
It's not a coffin, is it? Right, you know, I've got two loves in me life.
You know I love clock.
I am clock crazy, the more clocks, the better.
Give me clock, clock, clock, morning, noon and night.
I love clocks.
But I also love Gemma Collins.
So, I've made .
.
Alan Carr's Gemma Collins grandfather clock.
It's It's at the AC-GC-GC, yeah.
And it comes in two colours.
It comes in spray-tan orange or leopard skin.
The engagement ring comes off and on so you can keep up to date with Arg.
Is it on? Is it off? And these do rotate, they go round.
They sort of get stuck about dinner time and elevenses.
I'm fat as well! Who gives a shit, OK? And then you open it up.
Now, I love this bit.
That inside is vajazzled, and if you want it to go, just give it a flick, give it a bit of a flick.
- Is that how you do it? No? - RACHEL: No, no.
And then, on the hour, every hour you get GEMMA COLLINS: All right, babes? All right, babes? All right, babes? - All right, babes? - Thank you, Gemma.
- All right, babes? - Thank you, you Gemma, right - All right, babes? - No, shut up now.
And, also, if you want the AC-GC-GC-DOI, that's another one I'm doing, cos this is a prototype, and it's the Alan Carr-Gemma Collins Grandfather Clock Dancing on Ice where on the hour, every hour, she's falls flat on her face.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Alan Carr.
- It's good, innit? - You know when I dressed up as her for that Halloween party? - Oh, yeah.
Did you in the Daily Star? "Cruel Alan puts on fat suit to mock Gemma.
" That was my own body! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Mr Swallow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mr Swallow, what have you been up to since we last saw you? So, I've been doing a show called Mr Swallow and the Vanishing Elephant.
It's not a plug - it's finished now.
Like a magic show.
It didn't go very well.
I didn't get an elephant in the end - that was one of the main problems.
We're going to be getting in contact with a company that specialises in hiring animals for like stage and so on.
We've been assigned an elephant - Hayley.
We were then put in contact with an animal handler - Sue Dean.
It sounds like I'm making these names up - I'm not.
Now, Sue's in charge of How long have I got? Sue was in charge of, like, the transportation, the administration, she did the insurance, we had a vet booked.
It was basically a done deal.
Anyway, cut to about three weeks before we were about to open, and, I'm not joking, Sue Dean, right? Dies.
Yeah.
No, no, well, you laugh, but talk about being put on hold, cos I didn't know.
I didn't know for, like, about another 10 days or something, and I just kept on sending her increasingly aggressive e-mails.
Cos it's not like you get an "out of office", is it? "I have now died" Look, a fact about Sue Dean - she'd never had a Bounty.
Imagine that! Imagine dying and never having had a Bounty! It's literally the definition of not having lived, is it? Oh, well! What did you ask me again, sorry? Mr Swallow everyone.
APPLAUSE And with Mr Swallow, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie, do your kids ever embarrass you with the way they use language? My youngest is really into .
.
you know, as we all were at that age, she's really into swearing with taboo words, so she's really interested as to what all these words mean.
And she came home from school and said that one of her friends had used the C word in school in front of the teacher, and hadn't got told off.
So, I thought, OK, I'll have to be really liberal, so I said, "OK, well, what do you think it means?" And she said, "Well, I think it's just really bad.
" About three minutes later, I just said, "What is the C word?" And she said, "Carp.
" And she didn't even get crap right.
So it's very, very sweet.
She thought "crap" was really rude.
She's 18, yeah? - Yeah! It's just all very cute.
- OK.
- Yeah.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE When Rachel was younger, she wanted to be an architect, but that takes eight years, so why bother when you can just get a job standing in front of some alphabet fridge magnets? Rachel, I believe you've welcomed some new additions to the Riley family.
What have you got? My brother has got kittens, so I've now got kitten nephews.
I think we've got a picture of them.
The one on the right, the ginger one is called Egg, and the one on the left is called Ru Paul.
LAUGHTER SEAN: Just wait till you see them eating a bird's head.
They're not like that LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH There he is, chewing the eyes of an innocent little bird.
OK.
The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - - the Countdown Limbo Set.
- Oh! - Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS Whoa! OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game, and it's Alan and Sarah to pick the first lot of letters.
A vowel, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Sarah.
I A consonant, please.
C Another consonant, please.
Another consonant, please.
R - Do you want to go for it, love? - I'll have thee vowels, please.
O A E - Two consonants.
- Yeah, two consonants, please.
N andG.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
# Let's get physical, physical # Come on and get physical # Let's get into physical # Let me hear your body talk # Your body talk # Let me hear your body talk # Let's get physical, physical # I want to get physical # Let's get into physical # Let me hear your body talk Your body talk For fuck sake! RAPID BEEPING LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH - Ooh - You'll never make the Olympics.
I don't know if they do that at the Olympics.
Alan, how many? You won't believe this, but I've got an eight.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS Uh We'll wait and see.
Sarah, how many? I've got an eight.
- You've got the same one? - I don't know.
Maybe.
Oh, yeah! Ooh! Sean, how many? - Eight.
- Oh - Oh Rob? Five.
What's your five? It's GREAT, ironically.
OK.
Sarah, what was your eight? CREATING - Oh! - Ooh! I've never had an eight before! No, I know! Alan, your eight? CREATING as well.
- CREATING as well, OK.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fair enough.
Sean, your eight? Reacting! Ooh! Beautifully delivered.
So, eight points to both teams.
Susie and Mr Swallow, could they have done any better? You could have got, um, for a seven, you could get EROTICA.
For a nine, you could get EROTICA-NG.
And .
.
for another nine, RECOATING.
- Recourting? - Recoating! - COAT-ing.
- Ah - Recoating.
- Recoating.
- Recoating.
What? What? What? Well, did you say recourting or recoating? I said recoating! Re Yes, coating! Oh, Jimmy, not now.
So, at the end of that, both teams have eight points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Sean, Rob, your turn to pick the numbers.
Oh, the usual please, Rachel.
- Two large, four little.
- Four little.
Right up your street.
Right, we've got 5, 6, 6, 9, 75 and 50.
Oh.
And the target - 949.
OK.
Your time starts now.
Hmm So, the target was 949.
Alan did you get it? - I got 950.
- Oh, well, pretty close.
- That's not bad, is it? - Yeah.
- Sarah, did you get it? - 950.
950 as well? OK.
Sean, did you get it? BELLOWS: 950.
- Rob? - I got GREAT.
- No, I got 950 as well, actually.
- 950 as well.
- So, yeah, don't You know, I'm actually quite good at this.
Well, how did you get 950? 6 + 6 = 12 6 + 6 = 12 12 x 75 = 900 + 50 And then I was so chuffed with myself, I just sort of sat back and enjoyed the music.
- Yeah.
- Sarah, did you do it the same way? No, I put one of the nines in front of the 50.
The 9 in front of the 50.
- The 9 and then the 50? - Yeah, yeah.
Cos I think it doesn't matter how you use them, as long as you don't use them twice.
That's the Yeah, so that's what I did.
- Yeah.
Good.
- You can see it there.
I did it there.
- Yeah.
I did me workings out.
Yeah.
- Alan, how did you do it? - I did it like Rob.
OK.
Seven points to both teams.
- Well done.
- We're doing so well! APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Rachel, could it be done? Yes, Jimmy, just about.
- If you say 75-50 - Go slow on this.
- Go slow if it's tough.
- = 25 - All right.
You've gone backwards there.
- Yeah.
- x 6 - Is? = 150 + 9 - Right.
Is 159? - 159.
How's that helping anyone? Times it by the other 6.
- = 954 - Is it? ROB: I'm sure there's a quicker way, Rach.
And then do you want to finish it off, Rob? Yeah, just take off what's left.
LAUGHTER Very confident, very confident.
Thank you.
The scores at the moment, both teams are on 15 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are ODD PILES, and the clue is, that doesn't feel right.
That's ODD PILES, that doesn't feel right.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the tease - the words were ODDPILES - the clue was "that doesn't feel right.
" It was, of course, LOPSIDED.
So, both teams have 15 points, and they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Alan and Rob.
- Good luck, Alan.
- So, Rob, your turn to choose the letters.
Sure, can I have two vowels, please? A Yeah.
U - And - O.
Oh, I said two, but don't worry.
You're not very good with numbers, are you? It's all right.
Two consonants please.
H M Another vowel.
A Two consonants.
L And a vowel, please.
And Are you sure? I mean, I don't really know what I'm doing, so I'll go by you - - yeah, the other one please.
- Let's get rid of that.
S And your 30 seconds starts now.
Ah, ooh, ah.
Yeah, perfect.
Oh, hello.
- Hello, Jimmy.
- All right.
- Oh, my God.
I've had a scouse brow done, yeah.
It would be funny if I hadn't had so much Botox and I could still move my forehead.
I thought you just fell in the vat when you were a baby.
I was never a baby - I was built.
Um Rob what have you got? Erm, I've got five.
Five, OK.
Alan? - I've got a six, but I don't know if it's allowed, cos it's - Oh! is it not English? OK, what's your five, Rob? MOTHS Moths.
Why is that funny? Because there weren't two Fs.
Oh.
He's picking on you - because you're a moron.
- Yeah.
That's not right, is it, Alan? Don't put up with it! - Thanks for having my back, mate.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Alan, what is your risky, might-not-be-allowed six? SHALOM SHALOM SHALOM SHALOM! - I don't know what it means but people say it - SHALOM.
- Peace.
Peace? Is it in? - Yeah, just peace.
- Lovely.
- Ah, well done, Alan.
- Peace.
Six points to Alan.
Mr Swallow, Susie, could they have done any better? Erm, yeah.
Susie's found a good one, erm THALAMUS is there for eight, which is part of the grey matter in the brain - THALAMUS.
THALAMUS OK, so, at the end of that, Sean and Rob have 15, Alan and Sarah have 21.
Ah, well done.
I'm going to do more of that.
Right, it's now time for Sean and Sarah to go head-to-head.
Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have a Sean special, please? - A Seanie special? - Thanks.
Two from the top, and four little ones.
10, 7, 2, 5, 100 and 25 .
.
and the target 585.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so, the target was 585.
Sarah, did you get it? Oh, I've written down 545.
Shit.
I've got it, though.
I did - I got 545.
Why have I written that down? Oh, I'm a dick.
But I've got it, though.
Do you want to know how I got it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, OK.
I think you can get bonus points for this.
I mean - you've made up your own target - go on.
- 5 x 100 = 500.
- 500.
+ 25 + 2 x 10 = 545.
Ooh.
Well done.
Well done, Sarah, you got the wrong answer.
I did it, though, because I wrote 545 down - I technically got it right.
I'll give you one point.
Sean, did you get 585? No, I didn't get 585.
I got It's quite hard to work out what I've got, actually.
I did Um 5 x 100 OK, we're just working it out as we go along are, we? And then I did something with the 25.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, that's lost in the midst of time.
I got rather confused.
- Mr Swallow, did you get it? - I did, yeah.
How did you get it? 100 + 7 + 10 x 5 100 + 7 + 10 = 117 x 5 Perfect, Mr Swallow.
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Mr Swallow, what have you got for us? So, I have basically learnt how to memorise a deck of playing cards.
Now, this is This is real - it doesn't always work.
Erm, but, basically, Susie is going to help me with this - if that's all right with you, Susie? - Yeah.
And can you just be honest? You've examined these cards before, - you've shuffled these.
- I've shuffled them.
Erm, not just me, erm, and just be honest - you're not going to secretly tell me what the cards are or anything? - You're not in on it in any kind of way.
- No.
- No.
Right.
She would say that if she was in on it.
So, it doesn't, no.
It doesn't No It doesn't take me long to memorise them, erm, - but it does require complete silence, OK? - Right.
So, here we go.
OK.
Right.
Right.
- Complete silence.
- No, no, cos it's the tiniest things.
- OK.
Oh, my God, no, Rob.
Oh, my God.
Ah, he's about halfway.
Just to confirm - you're memorising the order, not just a deck of playing cards, cos I can do that without looking at 'em.
Yeah, ace, 2, 3, 4.
I mean I'm genuinely trying to memorise them, Rob.
Erm, so Right, so, what I want you to do Susie, if you - From the Yeah, if you go from there.
- Yeah.
So, oh, erm, no, OK.
- It's much easier if you look.
- Yeah, it is innit? Erm, if I get it right, I obviously won't look, erm, move onto the next one.
So, King of Hearts.
So, then it's the - I think it's the Jack of Clubs - is that right? - Yes.
- Then it's the seven oferrno, the 7 of Spades, yes? - Yes.
- Then the 10 of Hearts.
- Yes.
- Then the Ace of Diamonds, not the 8, the Ace of Diamonds.
- Yeah.
- Then the 4 of Spades I think.
- Yeah.
- Is that right? Then the 7 of Hearts.
- Yeah.
Then the 4 of Diamonds and the Ace of Clubs.
- Yes, yes? - Yes, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Then it's the 9 of Clubs.
- Yeah.
- Then it's the Jack of Spades.
- Yeah.
- The Queen of Diamonds.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Not the funniest section, is it? It's very impressive.
I'll tell you how I do it.
It's the method of Loci, anyone can do this, you can look it up, so you have to peg So each card is like a person and a journey and you alternate, journey, person, journey, person.
So, Queen of Diamonds was, so that's Queen of England to me, I see her going clubbing in Seven Sisters, - so that's 7 of Clubs.
Is that next, 7 of Clubs? - Yes.
And on stage on the club is Alan Titchmarsh singing Bohemian Rhapsody, - err, Queen of Spades? - Yeah.
Queen of Spades, is that right? - So, then, the 10 of Diamonds, yes? - Yes.
- Then the 6 of Clubs.
- Yes.
- The Ace of Hearts.
- Yep.
- The 9 of Diamonds.
- Yep - The 4 of Clubs and the 2 of Hearts.
- The 7 of Diamonds.
- Yes.
- The 3 of something 3 of Clubs? - Yeah.
- The 4 of Hearts.
- Yeah.
And the Urgh, sometimes I have to look, the 6, no.
- The 6 of Diamonds.
The, erm, Ace of Spades, I think.
- Yeah.
- Right, quick, 5 of Hearts, 9 of Spades.
- Yeah.
- Yes, yes? - Yeah.
- The 2 of, err 2 of Spades next.
- Yep.
- The Queen of Hearts.
- Yep.
- The 3 of Diamonds.
- Yeah.
- The Queen of Clubs, I think.
- Yes.
- The Ace of Hearts.
- Yeah.
- Let me think, the 5 or the 6 of Spades, I can't remember.
- 6.
- The 6 of Spades and then it's the 5 of Spades.
- Yes.
- That's confusing.
- Now it's, erm, the 9 of Hearts.
- Yes.
- Then the King of Clubs.
- Yes.
- And then the 2 of Diamonds.
- Yes.
- Oh, crikey, Jack of Hearts? - Yeah.
- The 3 of Spades and then the 8 of Spades.
- Yes.
And then the 6 of Hearts, the 10 of Clubs and the 5 of Diamonds.
- Then it's the King of Diamonds.
- Yeah.
And the, err, oh, is it the Joker? - Yes.
- Get rid of it, we don't need it! AUDIENCE LAUGHS You see why I was asking you, Sean.
- The 2 of Clubs.
- Yes.
- The 3 of Hearts.
- Yes.
- Then the, oh, crikey, 8 of Diamonds? - Yes.
Have you? No, no Have you got five cards left? Yes.
It'd be a shame, wouldn't it? Right, no, no What haven't I said? Oh, God, the 5 of Clubs, I think? Yes.
With, errrrr Which means you're left with the King of Spades.
- Yes.
- The 4 No, no, no! - No.
- The Jack of Diamonds.
- Yes.
- The 8 of Clubs and the 10 of Spades.
- Woo! - Is that right? Yes! Thank you, Susie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mr Swallow, everyone! Well Erm, err Feedback? - I loved - Too long? - No, I loved it.
Sorry about the bear.
No, it's fine, Rob, but it is real, and it genuinely is off putting! OK, the scores at the moment, Sean and Rob are on 15, Alan and Sarah are on 22.
And here is your teaser, the words are RED GROIN.
The clue is - "I asked for it.
" That's RED GROIN - "I asked for it.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the easer - the words were RED GROIN.
The clue was - I did ask for it.
It was of course, ordering.
OK, before we go on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
I've got a selection of objects, all of which are spelt with eight letters, and all they have to do is identify them.
OK, Sean, Alan, come and join me.
- Come on up.
- Good luck, lads.
It's good, I think I'm here.
- OK.
Blindfold on.
- Wicked.
- Excellent.
- Over the glasses or under them? - It don't matter, it's a blindfold, Alan.
- Yes, yes, that's - Alan, don't wander off.
- Can I close my eyes soon? Here, that's like the other night, innit? The volume this close up! Imagine that with about seven litres of pinot grigio inside you.
LAUGHTER He set off the fire alarm about six times.
OK, all right, so hang on.
I'm going to put you on your mark.
No, don't feel me.
No, no! OK, you're there.
All right, so let's bring in the first eight-letter object, OK? - You've just gotta identify this.
- Where is it? It's init's in It's this way.
This There! Straight ahead.
- It's a man.
- OK.
- It's a lady.
- Ooh! - It's what he's holding.
- Oh.
- He's holding something.
- Oh, cucumber! Yes.
OK, next one.
Excellent.
Excellent, here we go.
ALAN SCREAMS LAUGHTER Ah! Get off me! Fuck off! What is it? What is it?! - What is it? - We've had enough.
It's a stick.
- Feather! Feather boa.
Feather boa.
- Yes.
Where is it? Ah! Get off it now.
If you ever do that to me again, Jimmy SEAN GROWLS Ah.
Don't do that again.
Get it away from me.
Stop it.
Next one.
Ah.
- Christ.
- What the? - All right, now Ah, what is it?! - Get in, get in there.
- What is it? - Get in there.
He's in there.
- Ah! - OK, it's on his head.
- Ooh.
- His hair? - Yeah.
- Eight letters long? - Wig.
LAUGHTER - You've been hanging round Rob too much! - Ponytail! - Ponytail is right, yeah.
- Oh, damn.
- OK, next one.
- You can use your tongues.
- Oh, please.
- Lollipop.
- The right answer.
- OK, get down a bit.
There you go.
- Ah! - Aw, shut up now! You're fucking doing my head in.
- Turn around, Alan.
- Alan, turn round.
- Balloons.
Ah, don't! Ah! Balloons! Ah! This is horrible.
What is it? It's bad, innit? This is like what they do in Guantanamo.
It's balloons, Jimmy.
Balloons, yes.
Fantastic stuff.
KLAXON - Well, Alan won, so five points to Alan! - Oh, have I won? - Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was That washorrible! - It's horrible, isn't it? - I think you overreacted slightly.
I think the main thing, Alan, is we maintained our dignity throughout.
LAUGHTER OK, on with the game.
Alan and Sarah, your turn to choose the letters.
- A consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you, Sarah.
L Thanks, love.
A vowel, please.
I A vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
M Another consonant, please.
B A vowel, please.
A A consonant, please.
F Another consonant, please.
C And a Well, you choose what for the last one.
- And an N.
- Thanks.
OK, your time starts Rob, should we have the bear do the 30 seconds? Your time starts now.
MUSIC: Besame Mucho by Andrea Bocelli ROB SNORTS LAUGHTER I just can't not move! OK, you've got five seconds to turn off the bear.
MUSIC STOPS Perfect.
- OK, Sarah, how many? - I've only got five.
- Five, OK.
Alan, how many? - I've got six.
- OK, Sean, how many? - I've only got five.
- Rob? - I got quite distracted.
I've got three.
- Is it LIE? - Yep.
- OK, Sean? - AMBLE.
- AMBLE.
Nice, OK.
- Err, Sarah? - Oh, CLAIM.
- CLAIM, OK.
- Alan.
- MALICE.
- MALICE.
- Yes.
- Nice.
OK, six points to Alan.
Thank you.
At last! Mr Swallow, Susie, could they have done any better? - MALEFIC.
- MALEFIC.
Yes, as in maleficent - causing harm.
OK, so at the end of that, Alan and Sarah are in the lead with 33! OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Mr Swallow, what have you got for us? So I've always been sort of fascinated by how to improve your memory.
And, in particular, in terms of, like, learning lists of information.
So what I've done is to memorise the Wagamama menu.
So you've all gotyou should all have a menu, I think.
So, basically, I've memorised the number that they've put against each dish, I know the price of everything, I know whether its veggie or vegan.
There's even a little symbol for anything that may contain shells or small bones.
"Oh, my God, of what?" Who cares, it's Wagamama.
Right.
LAUGHTER Sarah, I want you to start, so I want you to just name any side dish.
- Any side dish at all, go for it.
- Bang Bang Cauliflower.
- 110.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, is that right? - Yes, it is.
Yeah, cause I've memorised the menu, that's why! Stop it.
Stop going on about it! Right, Alan, name any main dish that you would get.
- Any main dish at all, go for it.
- OK, erm, Shirodashi Ramen.
- 31, is that right? - That's right.
Yeah! Is that how you pronounce it? It's kind of like a fusion language sometimes, innit, that's the problem.
"And just to let you know, by the way, "the food can arrive at any time.
" What is that about, seriously? Have you ordered a Wagamama's from Deliveroo? About ten bags just shoot out in 15 different directions.
No-one even knows what day it is.
Right, Rob, there's a calculator there.
What I would like you to do, I want you to choose any three dishes, - I want you to add up the price of those three dishes, OK? - OK.
So you haven't got too long, you've got the amount of time that it takes for me to sing that bit from Phantom of the Opera where Christine Daae first returns from having visited the Phantom's lair, and we just hear everyone's different reactions to that.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA # Miss Daae has returned # I trust her midnight oil is well and truly burned # Where precisely is she now? # I thought it best that she went home - # She needed rest.
# - JIMMY MOUTHS # May I see her? # No, monsieur, she will see no-one # Will she sing? Will she sing? # Here I have a note Let me see it, please That's all you're getting Right, Rob.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Rob.
- Yes.
Have you got a total price, yes or no? - Don't tell me what it is, but have you got a total price? - Yes.
Right, can you just tell me what it was that you ordered? Seared Nuoc Cham Tuna.
- Oh, Seared Nuoc Tuna.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- 67.
- Edamame.
- Yeah, 103.
Yes, OK.
- And Shiitake Donburi.
- Shiitake Donburi.
Erm, square root that.
Square root, genuinely.
- Square root that.
Have you got it? - How does one do that? LAUGHTER - That's it, that's it.
- Oh, so that's it, then.
- Like a tick with an attitude.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we've done it.
It should be about 5.
6895-ish, or something like that.
- Is that right? - Yes! Cos I memorised the whole menu! What?! APPLAUSE OK.
Other noodle shops are available, but Mr Swallow, everyone! And here is your final teaser.
The words are IDLE NUTS.
The clue is - how rude.
That's IDLE NUTS - how rude.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were IDLE NUTS, the clue was, how rude.
It was, of course, INSULTED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Rob, your turn to choose.
- Some vowels, please.
- Some vowels? An I - Yeah O - E.
- Yep.
- Consonants? - Yeah.
- Z.
- See, I always find it's helpful to mix them up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Z? Really? - Just get rid of that.
- Get rid of it, then.
- D - you want it? - No.
- Fine.
- It's gone.
You'll regret it.
You got a V instead.
R U Consonants, please! LAUGHTER C Your 30 seconds starts now.
Ooh, right, lovely, perfect.
LAUGHTER OK Oh, you've That's all right.
No worries.
Fuck off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Dad? Dad, what you doing?! He's earning a few quid.
- Sean, how many? - I've a got six.
Six, OK.
Erm, Rob, how many? - Six.
- Six, OK.
- Alan? - I've only got five.
- Sarah? - Six.
Six, OK.
So, Alan, your five? COVER Looks good to me.
- Yeah.
- Don't bother yourself, love, you just sit there, yeah? Yep, fine.
Sarah, your six? - DRIVER.
- DRIVER? Yep, two Rs.
Yeah, you can just rearrange them in your own heads.
I'm busy.
Get Rob to do it.
I'll do it for you, Jim.
Yeah, go on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Well, at last, a bit of eye candy.
Now you're talking.
DRIVER - Do you like this? - Yeah.
Holiday Inn, Room 242, bring a friend.
Sean? Well, I don't know about you, but I could devour Rob.
How do you spell DEVOUR? - D-E-V - D-E-V O-U-R, yeah.
Yeah, and then like OUR, like a time.
That's the one.
Rob, what's your 6? Erm, DRIVER.
But I can't be bothered to change it.
So, DEVOUR.
Fine, OK.
Six points to both teams.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh, no, no, wait! Do you want to ask if he could have done any better? LAUGHTER Mr Swallow, Rob, could they have done any better? Yes, they could, Jimmy.
DIVORCE for .
.
two, three, seven.
DIVORCE for seven.
Thank you very much, our sunbathers.
APPLAUSE That's an invitation, Jimmy.
OK, OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
BELL No-one's going to get it - can we go home? RINGS You give one to someone.
BELL Oh, I've got it, I've got it! - BUZZER - I got it! - SPONSORING.
- SPONSORING.
- SPONSORING.
No.
PROPOSING.
PROPOSING.
Let's have a look.
Well done.
So, the final scores are Sean and Rob have 21, Alan and Sarah have 49 points.
Congratulations, Alan and Sarah, you are now the proud owner of this, the Countdown limbo set.
Thanks to all our panellists and our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
Goodnight.
This is the perfect show for people who've lost the remote control but don't want to go to bed quite yet.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Sean Lock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean Lock has a very unique look, and that look is a Russian guy in a YouTube video making a bear dance with a cattle prod.
We've all got to make a bit of money on the side, Jimmy.
You do Your Face Or Mine, I do Russian bears on YouTube.
He's right.
And Sean's team-mate, Rob Beckett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rob Beckett is perfect for anyone who wants to know what it would look like if Boris Johnson had a baby with a beaver.
Up against them this evening is guest team captain Alan Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alan says he had a hard time at school because he wore braces, which begs the question, how long did you wear braces for, Alan? What was it, an hour? Honestly, three braces.
I hit them on a caravan hook in Great Yarmouth.
That's why they're That's why they look like they're having a party - I hit them on a caravan hook.
Honestly, I shouldn't be alive! Were you trying to pull a caravan? Yes, I was in the World's Strongest Gay! LAUGHTER And joining Alan tonight, it's Sarah Millican.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sarah's from South Shields, near Newcastle, and what the people in South Shields are shielded from is longevity and jobs.
ROB CACKLES Alan, apparently you had a bit of a drama last time you were here.
What happened? Well, you know I had a drama last time I was here.
They put you in the hotel next door.
I slept-walked OUT the hotel, round the car park and back into the hotel, and it's amazing how quick they do check you in when you're there in your pants.
They were like, "Come on in, come on in!" And I was in me pants And I had awful pants.
You know the ones from the market - I had those.
You know, Dolce and Banana - those ones.
And I was just walking, just walking around, and I was, like, in a trance.
- Have you done this before? Have you slept-walked? - No, no, no.
I talk in me sleep, I've pissed the bed, but I've never .
.
I've never slept-walked.
But, honestly, it was very odd, very odd.
Sarah, you recently toured in Australia.
What was your favourite thing about being down under? I liked the danger of it, - cos there's loads of things that can kill you there.
- Oh, yeah.
So, every night I checked me bed.
Every time we would change hotel, I'd check me bed, and the most I found was a couple of pubes, so Oh, but they were mine - it's fine.
- Uh - Were you scared of any of that stuff? Pubes? I'm scared of them falling out! I'm scared of spiders generally, so spiders that can kill me, then, yes.
Aren't you scared of spiders that can kill you? I was strangely fine with it in Australia.
I thought I'd be frightened, and I was kind of, "Yeah, it'll be all right.
" Maybe you just don't have much to live for.
- Can I say that? Did you go to Auckland? - Yeah.
Did you stay at that? You must have done that, stayed at that hotel in Auckland - next to the bungee-jumping tower.
- Yeah.
My God! They don't tell you.
- You check in, there's people - You didn't sleep-walk? .
.
passing through the window, screaming.
I'm like, "How shit is this hotel?!" HE IMITATES SCREAMING You ain't been there.
There's a bungee jump - Erm, Sean.
- Yes? - Have you ever saved anyone's life? Jimmy, I don't think you become leader of a mountain rescue team for 15 years without saving a few lives.
I go out in all weathers, except sleet .
.
or if there's someone good on The One Show.
I say, "No, I'm not going.
They can wait till morning" Mind you, it's tricky these days isn't it? Saving lives.
I mean, if someone invented the Heimlich manoeuvre now, they'd be like, "Whoa, you can't do that, can you?" Grab a stranger around the waist and pull them closer to you.
You know? I mean, especially, if you're a 25-year-old lingerie model and you need the kiss of life, forget it.
A 55-year-old binman - pucker up.
Rob, if you could ask any celebrity one question, what would it be? Err, well, actually, I've always wanted to ask you a question.
I've never found the right time, so maybe now's the right time.
Do it.
Can you cry? Not like I don't want you to now, but do you have the ability to cry? What is crying? I just can't imagine you ever just Have you ever cried? Yeah, I think, when I had to pay the tax.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK.
Sarah have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
When I was a kid, about six or seven, we didn't have a uniform at school, and my mam put me in a T-shirt that said, "I love school", and then underneath, it said, ".
.
when it's closed!" cos she was ajoker.
But I was so nervous about being sent home from school cos it was quite naughty, that I tucked the bottom bit in.
So, I just wore a T-shirt that said, "I love school.
" So, I've got the T-shirt.
No, it still fits.
there we go.
ROB: You must have had some really high-waisted trousers, though, to cut off SARAH: I know, yeah, proper Simon Cowell'd it, yeah.
Rob, have you got a mascot? Oh, yes, erm, quite an international themed one.
I got this one from Russia.
I got this guy.
I got it for my kids.
It sings a nice little song and it sort of makes me happy.
So, you want to hear it? It's BEAR SINGS IN SPANISH - That is soothing.
- I love it! It can hit some notes as well, the geezer.
BEAR HOLDS NOTE There it is.
BEAR CONTINUES SINGING LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's a proper mascot.
- Sean, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I do.
I've always felt that nothing shows your true allegiance, passionate support, fondness forappetite for something than a football scarf.
So if you've got a football the name of your football team on a scarf So, you know you must really like that team.
And I thought, well, why can't we do that with other things in our life that we like? And, like, who, for example, doesn't love .
.
gravy? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHANTS: Gravy! Gravy! And of course, if you like a particular TV show, I mean, the 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown scarf was a bit too long for a man of my size, but I'm perfect for .
.
Springwatch! - Anyone love Springwatch? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm actually I'm actually banned from where they record it.
I'm just there going, "Springwatch!" Cos some reed throated warblers were hatching and I was .
.
I was putting them off.
"Springwatch!" - It's a wonderful charm.
- Yeah.
I mean, I know Rob will be happy to wear this scarf cos I know he's a big fan.
In fact we all are.
We're all big fans of .
.
Krishnan Guru-Murthy! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BOTH: # We love you, Krishnan, we do! # We love you, Krishnan, we do! # We love you, Krishnan, we Time to get rid of that Snow fella and just have Krishnan.
There's my I'm going to wear my Krishnan Guru-Murthy scarf.
I love it.
Alan, have you got a mascot? I'm very proud of this mascot, I absolutely love it.
I can't wait to show you it.
It's over here.
Thank you so much, love.
It's not a coffin, is it? Right, you know, I've got two loves in me life.
You know I love clock.
I am clock crazy, the more clocks, the better.
Give me clock, clock, clock, morning, noon and night.
I love clocks.
But I also love Gemma Collins.
So, I've made .
.
Alan Carr's Gemma Collins grandfather clock.
It's It's at the AC-GC-GC, yeah.
And it comes in two colours.
It comes in spray-tan orange or leopard skin.
The engagement ring comes off and on so you can keep up to date with Arg.
Is it on? Is it off? And these do rotate, they go round.
They sort of get stuck about dinner time and elevenses.
I'm fat as well! Who gives a shit, OK? And then you open it up.
Now, I love this bit.
That inside is vajazzled, and if you want it to go, just give it a flick, give it a bit of a flick.
- Is that how you do it? No? - RACHEL: No, no.
And then, on the hour, every hour you get GEMMA COLLINS: All right, babes? All right, babes? All right, babes? - All right, babes? - Thank you, Gemma.
- All right, babes? - Thank you, you Gemma, right - All right, babes? - No, shut up now.
And, also, if you want the AC-GC-GC-DOI, that's another one I'm doing, cos this is a prototype, and it's the Alan Carr-Gemma Collins Grandfather Clock Dancing on Ice where on the hour, every hour, she's falls flat on her face.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Alan Carr.
- It's good, innit? - You know when I dressed up as her for that Halloween party? - Oh, yeah.
Did you in the Daily Star? "Cruel Alan puts on fat suit to mock Gemma.
" That was my own body! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Mr Swallow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mr Swallow, what have you been up to since we last saw you? So, I've been doing a show called Mr Swallow and the Vanishing Elephant.
It's not a plug - it's finished now.
Like a magic show.
It didn't go very well.
I didn't get an elephant in the end - that was one of the main problems.
We're going to be getting in contact with a company that specialises in hiring animals for like stage and so on.
We've been assigned an elephant - Hayley.
We were then put in contact with an animal handler - Sue Dean.
It sounds like I'm making these names up - I'm not.
Now, Sue's in charge of How long have I got? Sue was in charge of, like, the transportation, the administration, she did the insurance, we had a vet booked.
It was basically a done deal.
Anyway, cut to about three weeks before we were about to open, and, I'm not joking, Sue Dean, right? Dies.
Yeah.
No, no, well, you laugh, but talk about being put on hold, cos I didn't know.
I didn't know for, like, about another 10 days or something, and I just kept on sending her increasingly aggressive e-mails.
Cos it's not like you get an "out of office", is it? "I have now died" Look, a fact about Sue Dean - she'd never had a Bounty.
Imagine that! Imagine dying and never having had a Bounty! It's literally the definition of not having lived, is it? Oh, well! What did you ask me again, sorry? Mr Swallow everyone.
APPLAUSE And with Mr Swallow, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie, do your kids ever embarrass you with the way they use language? My youngest is really into .
.
you know, as we all were at that age, she's really into swearing with taboo words, so she's really interested as to what all these words mean.
And she came home from school and said that one of her friends had used the C word in school in front of the teacher, and hadn't got told off.
So, I thought, OK, I'll have to be really liberal, so I said, "OK, well, what do you think it means?" And she said, "Well, I think it's just really bad.
" About three minutes later, I just said, "What is the C word?" And she said, "Carp.
" And she didn't even get crap right.
So it's very, very sweet.
She thought "crap" was really rude.
She's 18, yeah? - Yeah! It's just all very cute.
- OK.
- Yeah.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE When Rachel was younger, she wanted to be an architect, but that takes eight years, so why bother when you can just get a job standing in front of some alphabet fridge magnets? Rachel, I believe you've welcomed some new additions to the Riley family.
What have you got? My brother has got kittens, so I've now got kitten nephews.
I think we've got a picture of them.
The one on the right, the ginger one is called Egg, and the one on the left is called Ru Paul.
LAUGHTER SEAN: Just wait till you see them eating a bird's head.
They're not like that LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH There he is, chewing the eyes of an innocent little bird.
OK.
The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - - the Countdown Limbo Set.
- Oh! - Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS Whoa! OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game, and it's Alan and Sarah to pick the first lot of letters.
A vowel, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Sarah.
I A consonant, please.
C Another consonant, please.
Another consonant, please.
R - Do you want to go for it, love? - I'll have thee vowels, please.
O A E - Two consonants.
- Yeah, two consonants, please.
N andG.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
# Let's get physical, physical # Come on and get physical # Let's get into physical # Let me hear your body talk # Your body talk # Let me hear your body talk # Let's get physical, physical # I want to get physical # Let's get into physical # Let me hear your body talk Your body talk For fuck sake! RAPID BEEPING LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH - Ooh - You'll never make the Olympics.
I don't know if they do that at the Olympics.
Alan, how many? You won't believe this, but I've got an eight.
AUDIENCE WHOOPS Uh We'll wait and see.
Sarah, how many? I've got an eight.
- You've got the same one? - I don't know.
Maybe.
Oh, yeah! Ooh! Sean, how many? - Eight.
- Oh - Oh Rob? Five.
What's your five? It's GREAT, ironically.
OK.
Sarah, what was your eight? CREATING - Oh! - Ooh! I've never had an eight before! No, I know! Alan, your eight? CREATING as well.
- CREATING as well, OK.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fair enough.
Sean, your eight? Reacting! Ooh! Beautifully delivered.
So, eight points to both teams.
Susie and Mr Swallow, could they have done any better? You could have got, um, for a seven, you could get EROTICA.
For a nine, you could get EROTICA-NG.
And .
.
for another nine, RECOATING.
- Recourting? - Recoating! - COAT-ing.
- Ah - Recoating.
- Recoating.
- Recoating.
What? What? What? Well, did you say recourting or recoating? I said recoating! Re Yes, coating! Oh, Jimmy, not now.
So, at the end of that, both teams have eight points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
OK, Sean, Rob, your turn to pick the numbers.
Oh, the usual please, Rachel.
- Two large, four little.
- Four little.
Right up your street.
Right, we've got 5, 6, 6, 9, 75 and 50.
Oh.
And the target - 949.
OK.
Your time starts now.
Hmm So, the target was 949.
Alan did you get it? - I got 950.
- Oh, well, pretty close.
- That's not bad, is it? - Yeah.
- Sarah, did you get it? - 950.
950 as well? OK.
Sean, did you get it? BELLOWS: 950.
- Rob? - I got GREAT.
- No, I got 950 as well, actually.
- 950 as well.
- So, yeah, don't You know, I'm actually quite good at this.
Well, how did you get 950? 6 + 6 = 12 6 + 6 = 12 12 x 75 = 900 + 50 And then I was so chuffed with myself, I just sort of sat back and enjoyed the music.
- Yeah.
- Sarah, did you do it the same way? No, I put one of the nines in front of the 50.
The 9 in front of the 50.
- The 9 and then the 50? - Yeah, yeah.
Cos I think it doesn't matter how you use them, as long as you don't use them twice.
That's the Yeah, so that's what I did.
- Yeah.
Good.
- You can see it there.
I did it there.
- Yeah.
I did me workings out.
Yeah.
- Alan, how did you do it? - I did it like Rob.
OK.
Seven points to both teams.
- Well done.
- We're doing so well! APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Rachel, could it be done? Yes, Jimmy, just about.
- If you say 75-50 - Go slow on this.
- Go slow if it's tough.
- = 25 - All right.
You've gone backwards there.
- Yeah.
- x 6 - Is? = 150 + 9 - Right.
Is 159? - 159.
How's that helping anyone? Times it by the other 6.
- = 954 - Is it? ROB: I'm sure there's a quicker way, Rach.
And then do you want to finish it off, Rob? Yeah, just take off what's left.
LAUGHTER Very confident, very confident.
Thank you.
The scores at the moment, both teams are on 15 points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are ODD PILES, and the clue is, that doesn't feel right.
That's ODD PILES, that doesn't feel right.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the tease - the words were ODDPILES - the clue was "that doesn't feel right.
" It was, of course, LOPSIDED.
So, both teams have 15 points, and they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Alan and Rob.
- Good luck, Alan.
- So, Rob, your turn to choose the letters.
Sure, can I have two vowels, please? A Yeah.
U - And - O.
Oh, I said two, but don't worry.
You're not very good with numbers, are you? It's all right.
Two consonants please.
H M Another vowel.
A Two consonants.
L And a vowel, please.
And Are you sure? I mean, I don't really know what I'm doing, so I'll go by you - - yeah, the other one please.
- Let's get rid of that.
S And your 30 seconds starts now.
Ah, ooh, ah.
Yeah, perfect.
Oh, hello.
- Hello, Jimmy.
- All right.
- Oh, my God.
I've had a scouse brow done, yeah.
It would be funny if I hadn't had so much Botox and I could still move my forehead.
I thought you just fell in the vat when you were a baby.
I was never a baby - I was built.
Um Rob what have you got? Erm, I've got five.
Five, OK.
Alan? - I've got a six, but I don't know if it's allowed, cos it's - Oh! is it not English? OK, what's your five, Rob? MOTHS Moths.
Why is that funny? Because there weren't two Fs.
Oh.
He's picking on you - because you're a moron.
- Yeah.
That's not right, is it, Alan? Don't put up with it! - Thanks for having my back, mate.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Alan, what is your risky, might-not-be-allowed six? SHALOM SHALOM SHALOM SHALOM! - I don't know what it means but people say it - SHALOM.
- Peace.
Peace? Is it in? - Yeah, just peace.
- Lovely.
- Ah, well done, Alan.
- Peace.
Six points to Alan.
Mr Swallow, Susie, could they have done any better? Erm, yeah.
Susie's found a good one, erm THALAMUS is there for eight, which is part of the grey matter in the brain - THALAMUS.
THALAMUS OK, so, at the end of that, Sean and Rob have 15, Alan and Sarah have 21.
Ah, well done.
I'm going to do more of that.
Right, it's now time for Sean and Sarah to go head-to-head.
Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have a Sean special, please? - A Seanie special? - Thanks.
Two from the top, and four little ones.
10, 7, 2, 5, 100 and 25 .
.
and the target 585.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so, the target was 585.
Sarah, did you get it? Oh, I've written down 545.
Shit.
I've got it, though.
I did - I got 545.
Why have I written that down? Oh, I'm a dick.
But I've got it, though.
Do you want to know how I got it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, OK.
I think you can get bonus points for this.
I mean - you've made up your own target - go on.
- 5 x 100 = 500.
- 500.
+ 25 + 2 x 10 = 545.
Ooh.
Well done.
Well done, Sarah, you got the wrong answer.
I did it, though, because I wrote 545 down - I technically got it right.
I'll give you one point.
Sean, did you get 585? No, I didn't get 585.
I got It's quite hard to work out what I've got, actually.
I did Um 5 x 100 OK, we're just working it out as we go along are, we? And then I did something with the 25.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, that's lost in the midst of time.
I got rather confused.
- Mr Swallow, did you get it? - I did, yeah.
How did you get it? 100 + 7 + 10 x 5 100 + 7 + 10 = 117 x 5 Perfect, Mr Swallow.
OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Mr Swallow, what have you got for us? So, I have basically learnt how to memorise a deck of playing cards.
Now, this is This is real - it doesn't always work.
Erm, but, basically, Susie is going to help me with this - if that's all right with you, Susie? - Yeah.
And can you just be honest? You've examined these cards before, - you've shuffled these.
- I've shuffled them.
Erm, not just me, erm, and just be honest - you're not going to secretly tell me what the cards are or anything? - You're not in on it in any kind of way.
- No.
- No.
Right.
She would say that if she was in on it.
So, it doesn't, no.
It doesn't No It doesn't take me long to memorise them, erm, - but it does require complete silence, OK? - Right.
So, here we go.
OK.
Right.
Right.
- Complete silence.
- No, no, cos it's the tiniest things.
- OK.
Oh, my God, no, Rob.
Oh, my God.
Ah, he's about halfway.
Just to confirm - you're memorising the order, not just a deck of playing cards, cos I can do that without looking at 'em.
Yeah, ace, 2, 3, 4.
I mean I'm genuinely trying to memorise them, Rob.
Erm, so Right, so, what I want you to do Susie, if you - From the Yeah, if you go from there.
- Yeah.
So, oh, erm, no, OK.
- It's much easier if you look.
- Yeah, it is innit? Erm, if I get it right, I obviously won't look, erm, move onto the next one.
So, King of Hearts.
So, then it's the - I think it's the Jack of Clubs - is that right? - Yes.
- Then it's the seven oferrno, the 7 of Spades, yes? - Yes.
- Then the 10 of Hearts.
- Yes.
- Then the Ace of Diamonds, not the 8, the Ace of Diamonds.
- Yeah.
- Then the 4 of Spades I think.
- Yeah.
- Is that right? Then the 7 of Hearts.
- Yeah.
Then the 4 of Diamonds and the Ace of Clubs.
- Yes, yes? - Yes, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Then it's the 9 of Clubs.
- Yeah.
- Then it's the Jack of Spades.
- Yeah.
- The Queen of Diamonds.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Not the funniest section, is it? It's very impressive.
I'll tell you how I do it.
It's the method of Loci, anyone can do this, you can look it up, so you have to peg So each card is like a person and a journey and you alternate, journey, person, journey, person.
So, Queen of Diamonds was, so that's Queen of England to me, I see her going clubbing in Seven Sisters, - so that's 7 of Clubs.
Is that next, 7 of Clubs? - Yes.
And on stage on the club is Alan Titchmarsh singing Bohemian Rhapsody, - err, Queen of Spades? - Yeah.
Queen of Spades, is that right? - So, then, the 10 of Diamonds, yes? - Yes.
- Then the 6 of Clubs.
- Yes.
- The Ace of Hearts.
- Yep.
- The 9 of Diamonds.
- Yep - The 4 of Clubs and the 2 of Hearts.
- The 7 of Diamonds.
- Yes.
- The 3 of something 3 of Clubs? - Yeah.
- The 4 of Hearts.
- Yeah.
And the Urgh, sometimes I have to look, the 6, no.
- The 6 of Diamonds.
The, erm, Ace of Spades, I think.
- Yeah.
- Right, quick, 5 of Hearts, 9 of Spades.
- Yeah.
- Yes, yes? - Yeah.
- The 2 of, err 2 of Spades next.
- Yep.
- The Queen of Hearts.
- Yep.
- The 3 of Diamonds.
- Yeah.
- The Queen of Clubs, I think.
- Yes.
- The Ace of Hearts.
- Yeah.
- Let me think, the 5 or the 6 of Spades, I can't remember.
- 6.
- The 6 of Spades and then it's the 5 of Spades.
- Yes.
- That's confusing.
- Now it's, erm, the 9 of Hearts.
- Yes.
- Then the King of Clubs.
- Yes.
- And then the 2 of Diamonds.
- Yes.
- Oh, crikey, Jack of Hearts? - Yeah.
- The 3 of Spades and then the 8 of Spades.
- Yes.
And then the 6 of Hearts, the 10 of Clubs and the 5 of Diamonds.
- Then it's the King of Diamonds.
- Yeah.
And the, err, oh, is it the Joker? - Yes.
- Get rid of it, we don't need it! AUDIENCE LAUGHS You see why I was asking you, Sean.
- The 2 of Clubs.
- Yes.
- The 3 of Hearts.
- Yes.
- Then the, oh, crikey, 8 of Diamonds? - Yes.
Have you? No, no Have you got five cards left? Yes.
It'd be a shame, wouldn't it? Right, no, no What haven't I said? Oh, God, the 5 of Clubs, I think? Yes.
With, errrrr Which means you're left with the King of Spades.
- Yes.
- The 4 No, no, no! - No.
- The Jack of Diamonds.
- Yes.
- The 8 of Clubs and the 10 of Spades.
- Woo! - Is that right? Yes! Thank you, Susie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mr Swallow, everyone! Well Erm, err Feedback? - I loved - Too long? - No, I loved it.
Sorry about the bear.
No, it's fine, Rob, but it is real, and it genuinely is off putting! OK, the scores at the moment, Sean and Rob are on 15, Alan and Sarah are on 22.
And here is your teaser, the words are RED GROIN.
The clue is - "I asked for it.
" That's RED GROIN - "I asked for it.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the easer - the words were RED GROIN.
The clue was - I did ask for it.
It was of course, ordering.
OK, before we go on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
I've got a selection of objects, all of which are spelt with eight letters, and all they have to do is identify them.
OK, Sean, Alan, come and join me.
- Come on up.
- Good luck, lads.
It's good, I think I'm here.
- OK.
Blindfold on.
- Wicked.
- Excellent.
- Over the glasses or under them? - It don't matter, it's a blindfold, Alan.
- Yes, yes, that's - Alan, don't wander off.
- Can I close my eyes soon? Here, that's like the other night, innit? The volume this close up! Imagine that with about seven litres of pinot grigio inside you.
LAUGHTER He set off the fire alarm about six times.
OK, all right, so hang on.
I'm going to put you on your mark.
No, don't feel me.
No, no! OK, you're there.
All right, so let's bring in the first eight-letter object, OK? - You've just gotta identify this.
- Where is it? It's init's in It's this way.
This There! Straight ahead.
- It's a man.
- OK.
- It's a lady.
- Ooh! - It's what he's holding.
- Oh.
- He's holding something.
- Oh, cucumber! Yes.
OK, next one.
Excellent.
Excellent, here we go.
ALAN SCREAMS LAUGHTER Ah! Get off me! Fuck off! What is it? What is it?! - What is it? - We've had enough.
It's a stick.
- Feather! Feather boa.
Feather boa.
- Yes.
Where is it? Ah! Get off it now.
If you ever do that to me again, Jimmy SEAN GROWLS Ah.
Don't do that again.
Get it away from me.
Stop it.
Next one.
Ah.
- Christ.
- What the? - All right, now Ah, what is it?! - Get in, get in there.
- What is it? - Get in there.
He's in there.
- Ah! - OK, it's on his head.
- Ooh.
- His hair? - Yeah.
- Eight letters long? - Wig.
LAUGHTER - You've been hanging round Rob too much! - Ponytail! - Ponytail is right, yeah.
- Oh, damn.
- OK, next one.
- You can use your tongues.
- Oh, please.
- Lollipop.
- The right answer.
- OK, get down a bit.
There you go.
- Ah! - Aw, shut up now! You're fucking doing my head in.
- Turn around, Alan.
- Alan, turn round.
- Balloons.
Ah, don't! Ah! Balloons! Ah! This is horrible.
What is it? It's bad, innit? This is like what they do in Guantanamo.
It's balloons, Jimmy.
Balloons, yes.
Fantastic stuff.
KLAXON - Well, Alan won, so five points to Alan! - Oh, have I won? - Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was That washorrible! - It's horrible, isn't it? - I think you overreacted slightly.
I think the main thing, Alan, is we maintained our dignity throughout.
LAUGHTER OK, on with the game.
Alan and Sarah, your turn to choose the letters.
- A consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you, Sarah.
L Thanks, love.
A vowel, please.
I A vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
M Another consonant, please.
B A vowel, please.
A A consonant, please.
F Another consonant, please.
C And a Well, you choose what for the last one.
- And an N.
- Thanks.
OK, your time starts Rob, should we have the bear do the 30 seconds? Your time starts now.
MUSIC: Besame Mucho by Andrea Bocelli ROB SNORTS LAUGHTER I just can't not move! OK, you've got five seconds to turn off the bear.
MUSIC STOPS Perfect.
- OK, Sarah, how many? - I've only got five.
- Five, OK.
Alan, how many? - I've got six.
- OK, Sean, how many? - I've only got five.
- Rob? - I got quite distracted.
I've got three.
- Is it LIE? - Yep.
- OK, Sean? - AMBLE.
- AMBLE.
Nice, OK.
- Err, Sarah? - Oh, CLAIM.
- CLAIM, OK.
- Alan.
- MALICE.
- MALICE.
- Yes.
- Nice.
OK, six points to Alan.
Thank you.
At last! Mr Swallow, Susie, could they have done any better? - MALEFIC.
- MALEFIC.
Yes, as in maleficent - causing harm.
OK, so at the end of that, Alan and Sarah are in the lead with 33! OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Mr Swallow, what have you got for us? So I've always been sort of fascinated by how to improve your memory.
And, in particular, in terms of, like, learning lists of information.
So what I've done is to memorise the Wagamama menu.
So you've all gotyou should all have a menu, I think.
So, basically, I've memorised the number that they've put against each dish, I know the price of everything, I know whether its veggie or vegan.
There's even a little symbol for anything that may contain shells or small bones.
"Oh, my God, of what?" Who cares, it's Wagamama.
Right.
LAUGHTER Sarah, I want you to start, so I want you to just name any side dish.
- Any side dish at all, go for it.
- Bang Bang Cauliflower.
- 110.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, is that right? - Yes, it is.
Yeah, cause I've memorised the menu, that's why! Stop it.
Stop going on about it! Right, Alan, name any main dish that you would get.
- Any main dish at all, go for it.
- OK, erm, Shirodashi Ramen.
- 31, is that right? - That's right.
Yeah! Is that how you pronounce it? It's kind of like a fusion language sometimes, innit, that's the problem.
"And just to let you know, by the way, "the food can arrive at any time.
" What is that about, seriously? Have you ordered a Wagamama's from Deliveroo? About ten bags just shoot out in 15 different directions.
No-one even knows what day it is.
Right, Rob, there's a calculator there.
What I would like you to do, I want you to choose any three dishes, - I want you to add up the price of those three dishes, OK? - OK.
So you haven't got too long, you've got the amount of time that it takes for me to sing that bit from Phantom of the Opera where Christine Daae first returns from having visited the Phantom's lair, and we just hear everyone's different reactions to that.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA # Miss Daae has returned # I trust her midnight oil is well and truly burned # Where precisely is she now? # I thought it best that she went home - # She needed rest.
# - JIMMY MOUTHS # May I see her? # No, monsieur, she will see no-one # Will she sing? Will she sing? # Here I have a note Let me see it, please That's all you're getting Right, Rob.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Rob.
- Yes.
Have you got a total price, yes or no? - Don't tell me what it is, but have you got a total price? - Yes.
Right, can you just tell me what it was that you ordered? Seared Nuoc Cham Tuna.
- Oh, Seared Nuoc Tuna.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- 67.
- Edamame.
- Yeah, 103.
Yes, OK.
- And Shiitake Donburi.
- Shiitake Donburi.
Erm, square root that.
Square root, genuinely.
- Square root that.
Have you got it? - How does one do that? LAUGHTER - That's it, that's it.
- Oh, so that's it, then.
- Like a tick with an attitude.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we've done it.
It should be about 5.
6895-ish, or something like that.
- Is that right? - Yes! Cos I memorised the whole menu! What?! APPLAUSE OK.
Other noodle shops are available, but Mr Swallow, everyone! And here is your final teaser.
The words are IDLE NUTS.
The clue is - how rude.
That's IDLE NUTS - how rude.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were IDLE NUTS, the clue was, how rude.
It was, of course, INSULTED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Rob, your turn to choose.
- Some vowels, please.
- Some vowels? An I - Yeah O - E.
- Yep.
- Consonants? - Yeah.
- Z.
- See, I always find it's helpful to mix them up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Z? Really? - Just get rid of that.
- Get rid of it, then.
- D - you want it? - No.
- Fine.
- It's gone.
You'll regret it.
You got a V instead.
R U Consonants, please! LAUGHTER C Your 30 seconds starts now.
Ooh, right, lovely, perfect.
LAUGHTER OK Oh, you've That's all right.
No worries.
Fuck off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Dad? Dad, what you doing?! He's earning a few quid.
- Sean, how many? - I've a got six.
Six, OK.
Erm, Rob, how many? - Six.
- Six, OK.
- Alan? - I've only got five.
- Sarah? - Six.
Six, OK.
So, Alan, your five? COVER Looks good to me.
- Yeah.
- Don't bother yourself, love, you just sit there, yeah? Yep, fine.
Sarah, your six? - DRIVER.
- DRIVER? Yep, two Rs.
Yeah, you can just rearrange them in your own heads.
I'm busy.
Get Rob to do it.
I'll do it for you, Jim.
Yeah, go on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Well, at last, a bit of eye candy.
Now you're talking.
DRIVER - Do you like this? - Yeah.
Holiday Inn, Room 242, bring a friend.
Sean? Well, I don't know about you, but I could devour Rob.
How do you spell DEVOUR? - D-E-V - D-E-V O-U-R, yeah.
Yeah, and then like OUR, like a time.
That's the one.
Rob, what's your 6? Erm, DRIVER.
But I can't be bothered to change it.
So, DEVOUR.
Fine, OK.
Six points to both teams.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh, no, no, wait! Do you want to ask if he could have done any better? LAUGHTER Mr Swallow, Rob, could they have done any better? Yes, they could, Jimmy.
DIVORCE for .
.
two, three, seven.
DIVORCE for seven.
Thank you very much, our sunbathers.
APPLAUSE That's an invitation, Jimmy.
OK, OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
BELL No-one's going to get it - can we go home? RINGS You give one to someone.
BELL Oh, I've got it, I've got it! - BUZZER - I got it! - SPONSORING.
- SPONSORING.
- SPONSORING.
No.
PROPOSING.
PROPOSING.
Let's have a look.
Well done.
So, the final scores are Sean and Rob have 21, Alan and Sarah have 49 points.
Congratulations, Alan and Sarah, you are now the proud owner of this, the Countdown limbo set.
Thanks to all our panellists and our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
Goodnight.