According To Jim s01e07 Episode Script
Cheryl's Old Flame
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? DADDY SAID A BAD WORD, SO WE'RE MAKING HIM TAKE A TIME-OUT.
FOR A WHOLE HOUR.
Cheryl: OH, WOW.
SITTING ON THE COUCH READING THE PAPER.
THAT MUST BE REALLY HARD FOR DADDY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, CHERYL, I KINDA HAD IT COMING.
I MEAN, THE ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE IT WORSE IS-- NO, IT'S TOO HORRIBLE.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SAY IT.
PLEASE, GIRLS, DON'T FORCE CHIPS AND BEER ON ME.
Both: CHIPS AND BEER! CHIPS AND BEER! NO! NO! AND NOT THE COLD ONES IN THE BACK! HAH! OH, BABY.
MOMMY! COMING, GIRLS! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? OH, RIGHT, KIDS.
I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE HOME.
THE GIRLS ARE STILL SICK, AND I HAVE GOT TO PEE.
I'VE BEEN HOLDING IT IN ALL DAY.
WOW.
WHERE WAS THAT BLADDER CONTROL WHEN WE DROVE TO WISCONSIN? [KYLE CRYING.]
WHERE'S KYLE?! ON THE WASHER! [ CRYING .]
HIT THE SPIN CYCLE.
IT MAKES HIM SLEEPY.
PEEKABOO! GODSPEED, JOHN GLENN.
[TURNS ON WASHER.]
THAT A BOY.
Both: MOMMY! WELL, HOW ARE MY LITTLE GIRLS DOING, HUH? WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY? OHH! SHE'S GONNA THROW UP.
OHH! OHH! UH, CHERYL, GRACIE'S GONNA THROW UP! DEAL WITH IT! UH, I'M NOT THE THROW-UP PERSON! I'M THE TAKE-OUT-THE-TRASH GUY! YOU DON'T DO THAT, EITHER! OHH.
OHH.
HERE YOU GO, BABY.
OH, GOD, I REMEMBER DOING THIS WITH YOUR MOTHER AFTER AN AEROSMITH CONCERT.
OOP, NOTHING COMING OUT.
OKAY, I THINK IT'S A FALSE ALARM, HONEY.
[ KISS .]
THERE YOU GO.
JIM, WOULD YOU CLEAR OFF THIS TABLE, PLEASE? HONEY, I JUST MADE DINNER.
I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS.
AND I ONLY HAVE ONE.
YEAH? WELL, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? YOURS.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO SNEAK UP ON ME IN THE SHOWER.
I DON'T KNOW.
IN THE MOVIES, THE WOMEN LOVE IT.
YEAH, WELL, IN THE MOVIES, IT'S RUSSELL CROWE.
OH, THANK GOD.
ADULT FOOD.
OHH.
MOMMY, YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD READ MADELINE.
YOU SAID YOU WOULD COLOR WITH ME.
OH, HONEY, HELP, PLEASE.
NO, ME FIRST! OKAY.
HEY, GIRLS, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU DON'T GO UPSTAIRS AND GET IN BED RIGHT NOW, SANTA WON'T COME TONIGHT.
[BOTH GASP.]
WHAT? YOU'LL DEAL WITH IT TOMORROW.
MMM, THAT LOOKS-- [ HISSING .]
AAH-AAH! OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S BEEN LIKE THIS ALL DAY.
THEY'RE-- THEY'RE SICK AND THEY'RE CRANKY, AND THEY'RE DRIVING ME NUTS.
WELL, I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU, HONEY--TV.
NO.
COME ON, HONEY, PUT A TV IN THEIR ROOM, AND YOU WON'T HEAR A PEEP OUT OF THEM.
JIM, WE PROMISED OURSELVES WE WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
WE PROMISED OURSELVES WE WOULDN'T DO A LOT OF THINGS.
LIKE NOT GO TO BED MAD OR WITH OTHER PEOPLE, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
HEY, GUYS.
OH.
OH, YOU'RE EATING.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
YOU CAN WATCH.
I-I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, AND I NEED YOU BOTH TO LISTEN.
I'M IN THERAPY.
SINCE WHEN? FOR ABOUT A MONTH, AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING ACQUAINTED WITH THE ANDY DEEP INSIDE.
THERAPY, HUH? YOU MEAN LIKE, BBBLLLBB, BBBLLLBBB, BBBLLLBBB? NICE.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, CHERYL.
DR.
GAMBLE AND I FELT IT'D BE HELPFUL IF, UH, MY TWO SISTERS JOINED ME.
OH, ANDY, I'D LOVE TO, BUT THE GIRLS ARE STILL SICK, SO I'M KIND OF STUCK HERE.
WELL, MAYBE JIM COULD WATCH THEM.
Cheryl: OH.
WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO BABY-SIT? YOU DO KNOW IT'S NOT BABY-SITTING WHEN THEY'RE YOUR OWN KIDS? YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO THAT MOM DOWN THE STREET, HAVEN'T YOU? THE FANCY ONE WITH A JOB.
WELL, I'M SORRY, HONEY, BUT SOME OF US JUST LIKE TO BE THE BEST PARENTS WE CAN BE.
[WASHER BUZZES.]
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I THINK MY BABY'S DONE.
SO CHERYL PICKED ME UP, DRIED THE BLOOD OFF MY NOSE, AND TOLD ME EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
OHH YOU'RE FORTUNATE TO HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL SISTER.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
HI, I'M DANA.
DANA, YOU'RE LATE.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD'VE CALLED.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I WAS WAITING OUTSIDE WORKING UP THE COURAGE TO WALK IN THAT DOOR AND BARE MY SOUL.
YEAH, CHERYL.
WHAT'S IN THE BAG? NEW SHOES.
INTERESTING, DANA, THAT YOU WOULD STOP TO BUY SHOES, KNOWING YOU'D BE LATE.
NOT REALLY, ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW ME.
IS IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T FEEL PRETTY ON THE INSIDE? IT'S OKAY, DANA.
I DON'T FEEL SO PRETTY ON THE INSIDE EITHER.
I'M FINE.
BEFORE YOU CAME IN, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE TIME YOU PUNCHED ANDY IN THE FACE.
WHICH TIME? MY SIXTH BIRTHDAY.
MOM PROMISED ME THE FLOWER ON THE CAKE--THE BIG ONE.
YOU, YOU TOOK IT AND ONLY ATE HALF OF IT, THEN GAVE THE REST TO THE DOG.
THEN YOU PUNCHED ME.
YOUR FRIENDS THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
IT WAS MY FLOWER, AND YOU TOOK IT! HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL, ANDY? I FEEL VIOLATED AND IGNORED AND DISCARDED.
I FEEL ATTACKED AND BETRAYED.
I'M FINE.
HEY, BEAUTY.
HEY.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WHERE ARE THE KIDS? IN THEIR ROOM.
ARE THEY OKAY? OH, YEAH, THEY'RE FINE.
THEY'VE BEEN UP THERE ALL EVENING.
HAVEN'T HEARD A PEEP OUT OF THEM.
HOW WAS DR.
BOOGABOOGA? WELL, I'M FINE.
AND ANDY'S REALLY OPENING UP.
HE EVEN CRIED.
OH, BIG DEAL.
I MAKE ANDY CRY EVERY DAY AT WORK.
FOR 150 BUCKS AN HOUR, I'LL MAKE HIM CRAP HIS PANTS.
MMM.
MMM.
IT'S GOOD.
YOU LIKE IT? YEAH.
GOOD, 'CAUSE WE GOT A 3-GALLON BOX IN THE KITCHEN.
OH.
WOW.
IT'S NICE, HUH? WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THAT? I DON'T HEAR ANY KIDS WHINING OR FIGHTING OR YELLING.
YOU PUT THE TV IN THEIR ROOM! UH-HUH, AND I GOT A BUNCH OF STUFF FINISHED.
LIKE WHAT? PEANUTS.
JIM WHAT? WE SAID NO TV IN THEIR ROOM.
I KNOW, I KNOW, HONEY, BUT IT'S JUST WHILE THEY'RE SICK AND CRANKY AND LIVING AT HOME.
COME ON, BABY.
[ SIGHS .]
COME ON.
OOH, YOU KNOW, YOU SMELL SO GOOD.
OHH DID YOU HAVE FRIES ON THE WAY HOME? [ LAUGHS .]
[ SNIFFING .]
OH, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, I GUESS IT'S OKAY, BUT ONLY TILL THEY'RE BETTER.
ABSOLUTELY.
OKAY.
CHERYLCOME TO THE DARK SIDE.
Cheryl: OH, I'M SO RELAXED, IT'S STARTING TO WORRY ME.
YEAH, I'M STARTING TO REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEFORE WE HAD KIDS.
YOU MEAN BACK WHEN WE COULD BOTH FIT IN THE TUB? YEAH, YOU REALLY LET YOURSELF GO.
EWW, LOOK.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS THINK I WANT TO SEE THAT? CAN WE GET THE BENNY HILL COLLECTION? IT'S NOT SOLD IN STORES.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT IS IT.
GIRLS, I'LL WORK ON IT.
I'LL WORK ON IT.
BACK TO BED, GIRLS.
JIM, RUBY'S BEEN BACK AT SCHOOL FOR THREE DAYS.
NO MORE TV IN THEIR ROOM.
AW, COME ON, CHERYL, LOOK AT OUR LIVES.
WE'RE LIVING LIKE MOVIE STARS.
JIM, THEY'RE EATING CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE AND DRINKING SODAS IN BED.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY'RE BRUSHING THEIR TEETH ANYMORE.
HONEY, THEY'RE NOT GONNA KEEP THOSE TEETH ANYWAY.
THIS WHOLE THING IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL.
WE HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE, AND I AM DRAWING IT AT TELEVISION.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU GET TO DRAW THE LINE? BECAUSE I AM THE THROW-UP PERSON, AND THE THROW-UP PERSON GETS TO DRAW THE LINE! WHAT ABOUT THE TAKE-OUT-THE-TRASH GUY? YOU DON'T GET TO BE THE TAKE-OUT-THE-TRASH GUY UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
THAT'S NOT MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE TITLE.
LOOK, JIM, WE AGREED ON CERTAIN THINGS WHEN WE BECAME A FAMILY.
LIKE--LIKE WE'D ALWAYS EAT DINNER TOGETHER.
YES, EVEN WHEN I'VE ALREADY EATEN.
AND I WOULD STAY HOME TO RAISE THE KIDS.
AND THAT I WOULD LET YOU.
AND WE'D ALWAYS WEAR SEAT BELTS.
ABSOLUTELY! AND YOU WOULD GIVE UP RIDING YOUR MOTORCYCLE.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE BELTS ON, THE CAR'S NOT GOING! JIM? YES? HAVE YOU BEEN RIDING YOUR MOTORCYCLE? A LITTLE.
OHH! A LITTLE.
A LITTLE.
YOU PROMISED ME YOU'D NEVER RIDE THAT THING! I DON'T RECALL ANY SUCH PROMISE OR DISCUSSION THEREOF.
JUNE 27, 1995, THE NIGHT RUBY WAS BORN.
YOU SAT NEXT TO MY HOSPITAL BED WITH TEARS IN YOUR EYES, AND YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER RIDE THAT THING EVER AGAIN.
TOUCHéE.
NO! NO! NO! NO MORE TV! COME ON.
GIRLS, YOU WATCH THE LITTLE MERMAID ONE MORE TIME SHE'LL DIE.
PLEASE! DADDY! DO YOU HEAR THAT? I THINK IT'S RAINING CANDY OUTSIDE.
YAY! YAY! GO! GO GET IT! GO GET IT! WE REALLY SHOULD HAVE THEM TESTED.
WELL, HERE'S THE TV.
IT'S NOT IN THE KIDS' ROOM ANYMORE.
JUST LIKE WE DECIDED, YOU AND ME, TOGETHER US.
OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
AH, COME ON, HONEY, GET OFF MY BACK HERE, OKAY? I'M NOT GONNA SELL THAT BIKE.
NO! NO, I'M SERIOUS! I'M NOT GONNA GET RID OF IT! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, WELL, JUST LET ME FINISH, ALL RIGHT? I'M A GUY.
I GOT TWO FEET, AND I'M PUTTIN' ONE DOWN NOW.
[STOMPS.]
COME ON.
HONEY, DO YOU THINK THE LONE RANGER WOULD SELL TRIGGER? ALL RIGHT, I KNOW IT'S NOT TRIGGER.
IT'S, UH YOU'RE--YOU'RE MESSING WITH MY MIND, CHERYL.
NOW, LISTEN-- HONEY, I'VE BEEN DRIVING THAT BIKE SINCE 1984.
I MEAN, IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.
IT MEANS--IT'S AS MUCH A PART OF MY LIFE AS THE WASHER AND DRYER IS TO YOU.
SHE TOOK ME TO KINDERGARTEN, AND WHEN I GOT INTO THE ROOM, I REALIZED IT WASN'T REALLY UNDERWEAR DAY.
DANA, WHY ARE YOU READING WHILE ANDY'S SHARING HIS FEELINGS? BECAUSE NO ONE IN MY BUILDING GETS THIS MAGAZINE.
ANDY, HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? MAKES ME A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, MAD.
WELL, TELL DANA.
DANA, PLEASE PUT DOWN THE MAGAZINE.
[SNIFFS.]
MMM.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE-- YOU'RE A JERK.
WHAT? YOU HEARD ME.
YOU'RE A MEAN, SELF-CENTERED JERK! [CRYING.]
JEEZ, ANDY.
THANK YOU.
RIBBIT, RIBBIT.
VERY, VERY GOOD.
OKAY, YOU GUYS READY? HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
* LOOK, I'M AN ELEPHANT, THIS IS HOW I WALK * [BLOWING.]
OHH! STAMPEDE! STAMPEDE! OKAY, CHERYL, IT'S DONE.
THE BIKE IS UP ON ITS STAND, I DRAINED THE GAS AND THE OIL, AND I COVERED HER UP.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS I JUST CAN'T FIND THE KEYS.
OHH.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE KEYS.
THERE.
OH, HONEY, THANK YOU.
I KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS FOR YOU AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
ALL RIGHT.
MMM.
MORE, MOMMY.
DO ANOTHER.
OH.
OH, I HAVE ONE.
* LOOK, I'M A DADDY, AND THIS IS HOW I WALK * Jim: OH, VERY GOOD.
Jim: AWW, VERY FUNNY.
Cheryl: VERY GOOD! I DON'T DO THAT.
I DO OTHER THINGS, TOO! WHEN? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO "LOOK, I'M A MOMMY, THIS IS HOW I WALK.
" THAT'S SWEET, HONEY.
OH, SEE? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
OKAY.
OKAY! * LOOK, I'M A BIRDIE, AND THIS IS HOW I WALK * BIRDIES DON'T WALK, THEY FLY.
DO IT! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, RUBY, HONEY, DO "LOOK, I'M A MOMMY.
" COME ON, DO THAT AGAIN.
RUBY, SWEETIE, WE'RE DOING BIRDIES NOW! BIRDIES! WHAT'S THIS, HONEY? I'M MOMMY SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
[GASPS.]
YOU ARE? * LOOK, I'M A HYPOCRITE, SMOKY, SMOKY, SMOKE * KEYS, PLEASE.
YOU GIRLS PLAY GOOD! [INHALES, EXHALES.]
HEY, SWEETIE.
HONEY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAW MOMMY SMOKING? MM-HMM.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT SMOKING IS BAD AND WHAT MOMMY DID WAS WRONG, RIGHT? WELL, MOMMY IS NOT VERY PROUD OF HERSELF.
WHY? BECAUSE SOMETIMES MOMMIES DO THINGS THAT AREN'T VERY SMART.
[MOTORCYCLE REVS.]
AND SOMETIMES DADDIES DO THINGS THAT AREN'T VERY SMART.
WHY? BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY OF A 6-YEAR-OLD.
NO OFFENSE.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE JAWBREAKERS? YEAH.
MM-HMM.
BUT YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT GOOD FOR YOU 'CAUSE THEY CAN BREAK YOUR TEETH? MM-HMM.
AND EVEN THOUGH WE TOLD YOU YOU COULDN'T HAVE THEM ANYMORE, WE FOUND THAT ONE UNDER YOUR PILLOW? THAT WASN'T MINE.
WHEE! OKAY, RUBY DO YOU KNOW WHO REALLY HATES SMOKING? WHO? THE SURGEON GENERAL.
WHO? SANTA.
LOOK AT ME! HEY, CHERYL.
YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO ASK YOU-- THAT SMOKED HAM WE HAD LAST NIGHT-- WAS IT REGULAR HAM WHEN YOU BOUGHT IT? YOU KNOW, SWEETIE, I CAN QUIT SMOKING, BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE AN ASS.
JEEZ, YOU SMOKE WITH THAT MOUTH? NOT ANYMORE.
I AM DONE.
GOOD.
YEAH.
HOW ABOUT YOU? I DON'T SMOKE.
THE BIKE? YEAH.
HONEY, YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH A GUY WHO RODE A MOTORCYCLE.
YOU THOUGHT HE WAS SEXY.
YEAH.
WELL, NOW I THINK IT'S SEXY WHEN YOU COME HOME IN ONE PIECE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
I WON'T RIDE THE BIKE ANYMORE, BUT I'M NOT GONNA SELL IT, EITHER.
OCCASIONALLY, I'LL GO IN THE GARAGE AND SIT ON IT.
AND GO, VROOM! VROOM! THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IF THERE'S A SPECIAL OCCASION WHERE, YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE? LIKE WHAT? YOU KNOW, LIKE A NEIGHBORHOOD PARADE.
HA.
WE DON'T HAVE A NEIGHBORHOOD PARADE.
I KNOW, BUT SOMEONE MIGHT START ONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IF WE HAVE A NEIGHBORHOOD PARADE, THEN YOU CAN RIDE YOUR BIKE, AND I'LL SIT ON THE BACK SMOKING.
IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE FLOAT.
[CHUCKLING.]
HONEY, DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TOO MANY RULES? I DON'T KNOW, BABY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WELL, I DON'T WANT OUR GIRLS TO GROW UP THINKING THAT THEY CAN'T EXPRESS THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW, THAT IT'S NOT OKAY TO BREAK A RULE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
OH, I THINK THEY'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE, BABY.
[DOOR OPENS.]
WE WEREN'T SURE IF YOU WERE COMING.
I WASN'T EITHER.
ANDY I DON'T KNOW IF THINGS ARE GONNA BE ANY DIFFERENT, BUTYOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE A BETTER SISTER.
SHUT UP.
YOU HAD ME AT "I WASN'T EITHER.
" HERE, I GOT YOU A CAKE WITH A FLOWER ON IT.
OH, DANA IT WAS NEVER REALLY ABOUT THE FLOWER.
IT WAS JUST ME NEEDING YOU TO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, I THOUGHT ABOUT SOME OF THE THINGS YOU SAID, AND IF YOU NEED ME TO CHANGE, I'M WILLING TO MAKE THE EFFORT.
THANKS, DANA.
WHERE'S THE FLOWER? [CRYING.]
I ATE IT! WHAT? YOU ATE THE FLOW-- YOU DID IT AGAIN? IT LOOKED GOOD! WHAT'S THE SENSE OF GIVING ME A CAKE WITH A FLOWER ON IT IF YOU'RE GONNA GO AHEAD AND EAT THE FLOWER?! YOU SAID IT WASN'T ABOUT THE FLOWER, YOU PSYCHO! YOU'RE THE PSYCHO! YES, YOU'RE-- I'M NOT PSYCHO!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? DADDY SAID A BAD WORD, SO WE'RE MAKING HIM TAKE A TIME-OUT.
FOR A WHOLE HOUR.
Cheryl: OH, WOW.
SITTING ON THE COUCH READING THE PAPER.
THAT MUST BE REALLY HARD FOR DADDY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, CHERYL, I KINDA HAD IT COMING.
I MEAN, THE ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE IT WORSE IS-- NO, IT'S TOO HORRIBLE.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SAY IT.
PLEASE, GIRLS, DON'T FORCE CHIPS AND BEER ON ME.
Both: CHIPS AND BEER! CHIPS AND BEER! NO! NO! AND NOT THE COLD ONES IN THE BACK! HAH! OH, BABY.
MOMMY! COMING, GIRLS! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? OH, RIGHT, KIDS.
I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE HOME.
THE GIRLS ARE STILL SICK, AND I HAVE GOT TO PEE.
I'VE BEEN HOLDING IT IN ALL DAY.
WOW.
WHERE WAS THAT BLADDER CONTROL WHEN WE DROVE TO WISCONSIN? [KYLE CRYING.]
WHERE'S KYLE?! ON THE WASHER! [ CRYING .]
HIT THE SPIN CYCLE.
IT MAKES HIM SLEEPY.
PEEKABOO! GODSPEED, JOHN GLENN.
[TURNS ON WASHER.]
THAT A BOY.
Both: MOMMY! WELL, HOW ARE MY LITTLE GIRLS DOING, HUH? WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY? OHH! SHE'S GONNA THROW UP.
OHH! OHH! UH, CHERYL, GRACIE'S GONNA THROW UP! DEAL WITH IT! UH, I'M NOT THE THROW-UP PERSON! I'M THE TAKE-OUT-THE-TRASH GUY! YOU DON'T DO THAT, EITHER! OHH.
OHH.
HERE YOU GO, BABY.
OH, GOD, I REMEMBER DOING THIS WITH YOUR MOTHER AFTER AN AEROSMITH CONCERT.
OOP, NOTHING COMING OUT.
OKAY, I THINK IT'S A FALSE ALARM, HONEY.
[ KISS .]
THERE YOU GO.
JIM, WOULD YOU CLEAR OFF THIS TABLE, PLEASE? HONEY, I JUST MADE DINNER.
I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS.
AND I ONLY HAVE ONE.
YEAH? WELL, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? YOURS.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO SNEAK UP ON ME IN THE SHOWER.
I DON'T KNOW.
IN THE MOVIES, THE WOMEN LOVE IT.
YEAH, WELL, IN THE MOVIES, IT'S RUSSELL CROWE.
OH, THANK GOD.
ADULT FOOD.
OHH.
MOMMY, YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD READ MADELINE.
YOU SAID YOU WOULD COLOR WITH ME.
OH, HONEY, HELP, PLEASE.
NO, ME FIRST! OKAY.
HEY, GIRLS, YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU DON'T GO UPSTAIRS AND GET IN BED RIGHT NOW, SANTA WON'T COME TONIGHT.
[BOTH GASP.]
WHAT? YOU'LL DEAL WITH IT TOMORROW.
MMM, THAT LOOKS-- [ HISSING .]
AAH-AAH! OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S BEEN LIKE THIS ALL DAY.
THEY'RE-- THEY'RE SICK AND THEY'RE CRANKY, AND THEY'RE DRIVING ME NUTS.
WELL, I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU, HONEY--TV.
NO.
COME ON, HONEY, PUT A TV IN THEIR ROOM, AND YOU WON'T HEAR A PEEP OUT OF THEM.
JIM, WE PROMISED OURSELVES WE WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
WE PROMISED OURSELVES WE WOULDN'T DO A LOT OF THINGS.
LIKE NOT GO TO BED MAD OR WITH OTHER PEOPLE, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
HEY, GUYS.
OH.
OH, YOU'RE EATING.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
YOU CAN WATCH.
I-I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, AND I NEED YOU BOTH TO LISTEN.
I'M IN THERAPY.
SINCE WHEN? FOR ABOUT A MONTH, AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING ACQUAINTED WITH THE ANDY DEEP INSIDE.
THERAPY, HUH? YOU MEAN LIKE, BBBLLLBB, BBBLLLBBB, BBBLLLBBB? NICE.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT, CHERYL.
DR.
GAMBLE AND I FELT IT'D BE HELPFUL IF, UH, MY TWO SISTERS JOINED ME.
OH, ANDY, I'D LOVE TO, BUT THE GIRLS ARE STILL SICK, SO I'M KIND OF STUCK HERE.
WELL, MAYBE JIM COULD WATCH THEM.
Cheryl: OH.
WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO BABY-SIT? YOU DO KNOW IT'S NOT BABY-SITTING WHEN THEY'RE YOUR OWN KIDS? YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO THAT MOM DOWN THE STREET, HAVEN'T YOU? THE FANCY ONE WITH A JOB.
WELL, I'M SORRY, HONEY, BUT SOME OF US JUST LIKE TO BE THE BEST PARENTS WE CAN BE.
[WASHER BUZZES.]
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I THINK MY BABY'S DONE.
SO CHERYL PICKED ME UP, DRIED THE BLOOD OFF MY NOSE, AND TOLD ME EVERYTHING WAS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
OHH YOU'RE FORTUNATE TO HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL SISTER.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
HI, I'M DANA.
DANA, YOU'RE LATE.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD'VE CALLED.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I WAS WAITING OUTSIDE WORKING UP THE COURAGE TO WALK IN THAT DOOR AND BARE MY SOUL.
YEAH, CHERYL.
WHAT'S IN THE BAG? NEW SHOES.
INTERESTING, DANA, THAT YOU WOULD STOP TO BUY SHOES, KNOWING YOU'D BE LATE.
NOT REALLY, ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW ME.
IS IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T FEEL PRETTY ON THE INSIDE? IT'S OKAY, DANA.
I DON'T FEEL SO PRETTY ON THE INSIDE EITHER.
I'M FINE.
BEFORE YOU CAME IN, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE TIME YOU PUNCHED ANDY IN THE FACE.
WHICH TIME? MY SIXTH BIRTHDAY.
MOM PROMISED ME THE FLOWER ON THE CAKE--THE BIG ONE.
YOU, YOU TOOK IT AND ONLY ATE HALF OF IT, THEN GAVE THE REST TO THE DOG.
THEN YOU PUNCHED ME.
YOUR FRIENDS THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
IT WAS MY FLOWER, AND YOU TOOK IT! HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL, ANDY? I FEEL VIOLATED AND IGNORED AND DISCARDED.
I FEEL ATTACKED AND BETRAYED.
I'M FINE.
HEY, BEAUTY.
HEY.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WHERE ARE THE KIDS? IN THEIR ROOM.
ARE THEY OKAY? OH, YEAH, THEY'RE FINE.
THEY'VE BEEN UP THERE ALL EVENING.
HAVEN'T HEARD A PEEP OUT OF THEM.
HOW WAS DR.
BOOGABOOGA? WELL, I'M FINE.
AND ANDY'S REALLY OPENING UP.
HE EVEN CRIED.
OH, BIG DEAL.
I MAKE ANDY CRY EVERY DAY AT WORK.
FOR 150 BUCKS AN HOUR, I'LL MAKE HIM CRAP HIS PANTS.
MMM.
MMM.
IT'S GOOD.
YOU LIKE IT? YEAH.
GOOD, 'CAUSE WE GOT A 3-GALLON BOX IN THE KITCHEN.
OH.
WOW.
IT'S NICE, HUH? WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THAT? I DON'T HEAR ANY KIDS WHINING OR FIGHTING OR YELLING.
YOU PUT THE TV IN THEIR ROOM! UH-HUH, AND I GOT A BUNCH OF STUFF FINISHED.
LIKE WHAT? PEANUTS.
JIM WHAT? WE SAID NO TV IN THEIR ROOM.
I KNOW, I KNOW, HONEY, BUT IT'S JUST WHILE THEY'RE SICK AND CRANKY AND LIVING AT HOME.
COME ON, BABY.
[ SIGHS .]
COME ON.
OOH, YOU KNOW, YOU SMELL SO GOOD.
OHH DID YOU HAVE FRIES ON THE WAY HOME? [ LAUGHS .]
[ SNIFFING .]
OH, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, I GUESS IT'S OKAY, BUT ONLY TILL THEY'RE BETTER.
ABSOLUTELY.
OKAY.
CHERYLCOME TO THE DARK SIDE.
Cheryl: OH, I'M SO RELAXED, IT'S STARTING TO WORRY ME.
YEAH, I'M STARTING TO REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEFORE WE HAD KIDS.
YOU MEAN BACK WHEN WE COULD BOTH FIT IN THE TUB? YEAH, YOU REALLY LET YOURSELF GO.
EWW, LOOK.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS THINK I WANT TO SEE THAT? CAN WE GET THE BENNY HILL COLLECTION? IT'S NOT SOLD IN STORES.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT IS IT.
GIRLS, I'LL WORK ON IT.
I'LL WORK ON IT.
BACK TO BED, GIRLS.
JIM, RUBY'S BEEN BACK AT SCHOOL FOR THREE DAYS.
NO MORE TV IN THEIR ROOM.
AW, COME ON, CHERYL, LOOK AT OUR LIVES.
WE'RE LIVING LIKE MOVIE STARS.
JIM, THEY'RE EATING CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE AND DRINKING SODAS IN BED.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY'RE BRUSHING THEIR TEETH ANYMORE.
HONEY, THEY'RE NOT GONNA KEEP THOSE TEETH ANYWAY.
THIS WHOLE THING IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL.
WE HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE, AND I AM DRAWING IT AT TELEVISION.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU GET TO DRAW THE LINE? BECAUSE I AM THE THROW-UP PERSON, AND THE THROW-UP PERSON GETS TO DRAW THE LINE! WHAT ABOUT THE TAKE-OUT-THE-TRASH GUY? YOU DON'T GET TO BE THE TAKE-OUT-THE-TRASH GUY UNLESS YOU ACTUALLY TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
THAT'S NOT MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE TITLE.
LOOK, JIM, WE AGREED ON CERTAIN THINGS WHEN WE BECAME A FAMILY.
LIKE--LIKE WE'D ALWAYS EAT DINNER TOGETHER.
YES, EVEN WHEN I'VE ALREADY EATEN.
AND I WOULD STAY HOME TO RAISE THE KIDS.
AND THAT I WOULD LET YOU.
AND WE'D ALWAYS WEAR SEAT BELTS.
ABSOLUTELY! AND YOU WOULD GIVE UP RIDING YOUR MOTORCYCLE.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE BELTS ON, THE CAR'S NOT GOING! JIM? YES? HAVE YOU BEEN RIDING YOUR MOTORCYCLE? A LITTLE.
OHH! A LITTLE.
A LITTLE.
YOU PROMISED ME YOU'D NEVER RIDE THAT THING! I DON'T RECALL ANY SUCH PROMISE OR DISCUSSION THEREOF.
JUNE 27, 1995, THE NIGHT RUBY WAS BORN.
YOU SAT NEXT TO MY HOSPITAL BED WITH TEARS IN YOUR EYES, AND YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER RIDE THAT THING EVER AGAIN.
TOUCHéE.
NO! NO! NO! NO MORE TV! COME ON.
GIRLS, YOU WATCH THE LITTLE MERMAID ONE MORE TIME SHE'LL DIE.
PLEASE! DADDY! DO YOU HEAR THAT? I THINK IT'S RAINING CANDY OUTSIDE.
YAY! YAY! GO! GO GET IT! GO GET IT! WE REALLY SHOULD HAVE THEM TESTED.
WELL, HERE'S THE TV.
IT'S NOT IN THE KIDS' ROOM ANYMORE.
JUST LIKE WE DECIDED, YOU AND ME, TOGETHER US.
OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
AH, COME ON, HONEY, GET OFF MY BACK HERE, OKAY? I'M NOT GONNA SELL THAT BIKE.
NO! NO, I'M SERIOUS! I'M NOT GONNA GET RID OF IT! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, WELL, JUST LET ME FINISH, ALL RIGHT? I'M A GUY.
I GOT TWO FEET, AND I'M PUTTIN' ONE DOWN NOW.
[STOMPS.]
COME ON.
HONEY, DO YOU THINK THE LONE RANGER WOULD SELL TRIGGER? ALL RIGHT, I KNOW IT'S NOT TRIGGER.
IT'S, UH YOU'RE--YOU'RE MESSING WITH MY MIND, CHERYL.
NOW, LISTEN-- HONEY, I'VE BEEN DRIVING THAT BIKE SINCE 1984.
I MEAN, IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.
IT MEANS--IT'S AS MUCH A PART OF MY LIFE AS THE WASHER AND DRYER IS TO YOU.
SHE TOOK ME TO KINDERGARTEN, AND WHEN I GOT INTO THE ROOM, I REALIZED IT WASN'T REALLY UNDERWEAR DAY.
DANA, WHY ARE YOU READING WHILE ANDY'S SHARING HIS FEELINGS? BECAUSE NO ONE IN MY BUILDING GETS THIS MAGAZINE.
ANDY, HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? MAKES ME A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, MAD.
WELL, TELL DANA.
DANA, PLEASE PUT DOWN THE MAGAZINE.
[SNIFFS.]
MMM.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE-- YOU'RE A JERK.
WHAT? YOU HEARD ME.
YOU'RE A MEAN, SELF-CENTERED JERK! [CRYING.]
JEEZ, ANDY.
THANK YOU.
RIBBIT, RIBBIT.
VERY, VERY GOOD.
OKAY, YOU GUYS READY? HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
* LOOK, I'M AN ELEPHANT, THIS IS HOW I WALK * [BLOWING.]
OHH! STAMPEDE! STAMPEDE! OKAY, CHERYL, IT'S DONE.
THE BIKE IS UP ON ITS STAND, I DRAINED THE GAS AND THE OIL, AND I COVERED HER UP.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS I JUST CAN'T FIND THE KEYS.
OHH.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE KEYS.
THERE.
OH, HONEY, THANK YOU.
I KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS FOR YOU AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
ALL RIGHT.
MMM.
MORE, MOMMY.
DO ANOTHER.
OH.
OH, I HAVE ONE.
* LOOK, I'M A DADDY, AND THIS IS HOW I WALK * Jim: OH, VERY GOOD.
Jim: AWW, VERY FUNNY.
Cheryl: VERY GOOD! I DON'T DO THAT.
I DO OTHER THINGS, TOO! WHEN? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO "LOOK, I'M A MOMMY, THIS IS HOW I WALK.
" THAT'S SWEET, HONEY.
OH, SEE? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
OKAY.
OKAY! * LOOK, I'M A BIRDIE, AND THIS IS HOW I WALK * BIRDIES DON'T WALK, THEY FLY.
DO IT! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, RUBY, HONEY, DO "LOOK, I'M A MOMMY.
" COME ON, DO THAT AGAIN.
RUBY, SWEETIE, WE'RE DOING BIRDIES NOW! BIRDIES! WHAT'S THIS, HONEY? I'M MOMMY SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
[GASPS.]
YOU ARE? * LOOK, I'M A HYPOCRITE, SMOKY, SMOKY, SMOKE * KEYS, PLEASE.
YOU GIRLS PLAY GOOD! [INHALES, EXHALES.]
HEY, SWEETIE.
HONEY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAW MOMMY SMOKING? MM-HMM.
AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT SMOKING IS BAD AND WHAT MOMMY DID WAS WRONG, RIGHT? WELL, MOMMY IS NOT VERY PROUD OF HERSELF.
WHY? BECAUSE SOMETIMES MOMMIES DO THINGS THAT AREN'T VERY SMART.
[MOTORCYCLE REVS.]
AND SOMETIMES DADDIES DO THINGS THAT AREN'T VERY SMART.
WHY? BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY OF A 6-YEAR-OLD.
NO OFFENSE.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE JAWBREAKERS? YEAH.
MM-HMM.
BUT YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT GOOD FOR YOU 'CAUSE THEY CAN BREAK YOUR TEETH? MM-HMM.
AND EVEN THOUGH WE TOLD YOU YOU COULDN'T HAVE THEM ANYMORE, WE FOUND THAT ONE UNDER YOUR PILLOW? THAT WASN'T MINE.
WHEE! OKAY, RUBY DO YOU KNOW WHO REALLY HATES SMOKING? WHO? THE SURGEON GENERAL.
WHO? SANTA.
LOOK AT ME! HEY, CHERYL.
YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO ASK YOU-- THAT SMOKED HAM WE HAD LAST NIGHT-- WAS IT REGULAR HAM WHEN YOU BOUGHT IT? YOU KNOW, SWEETIE, I CAN QUIT SMOKING, BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE AN ASS.
JEEZ, YOU SMOKE WITH THAT MOUTH? NOT ANYMORE.
I AM DONE.
GOOD.
YEAH.
HOW ABOUT YOU? I DON'T SMOKE.
THE BIKE? YEAH.
HONEY, YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH A GUY WHO RODE A MOTORCYCLE.
YOU THOUGHT HE WAS SEXY.
YEAH.
WELL, NOW I THINK IT'S SEXY WHEN YOU COME HOME IN ONE PIECE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
I WON'T RIDE THE BIKE ANYMORE, BUT I'M NOT GONNA SELL IT, EITHER.
OCCASIONALLY, I'LL GO IN THE GARAGE AND SIT ON IT.
AND GO, VROOM! VROOM! THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IF THERE'S A SPECIAL OCCASION WHERE, YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE? LIKE WHAT? YOU KNOW, LIKE A NEIGHBORHOOD PARADE.
HA.
WE DON'T HAVE A NEIGHBORHOOD PARADE.
I KNOW, BUT SOMEONE MIGHT START ONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IF WE HAVE A NEIGHBORHOOD PARADE, THEN YOU CAN RIDE YOUR BIKE, AND I'LL SIT ON THE BACK SMOKING.
IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE FLOAT.
[CHUCKLING.]
HONEY, DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TOO MANY RULES? I DON'T KNOW, BABY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WELL, I DON'T WANT OUR GIRLS TO GROW UP THINKING THAT THEY CAN'T EXPRESS THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW, THAT IT'S NOT OKAY TO BREAK A RULE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
OH, I THINK THEY'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE, BABY.
[DOOR OPENS.]
WE WEREN'T SURE IF YOU WERE COMING.
I WASN'T EITHER.
ANDY I DON'T KNOW IF THINGS ARE GONNA BE ANY DIFFERENT, BUTYOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE A BETTER SISTER.
SHUT UP.
YOU HAD ME AT "I WASN'T EITHER.
" HERE, I GOT YOU A CAKE WITH A FLOWER ON IT.
OH, DANA IT WAS NEVER REALLY ABOUT THE FLOWER.
IT WAS JUST ME NEEDING YOU TO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, I THOUGHT ABOUT SOME OF THE THINGS YOU SAID, AND IF YOU NEED ME TO CHANGE, I'M WILLING TO MAKE THE EFFORT.
THANKS, DANA.
WHERE'S THE FLOWER? [CRYING.]
I ATE IT! WHAT? YOU ATE THE FLOW-- YOU DID IT AGAIN? IT LOOKED GOOD! WHAT'S THE SENSE OF GIVING ME A CAKE WITH A FLOWER ON IT IF YOU'RE GONNA GO AHEAD AND EAT THE FLOWER?! YOU SAID IT WASN'T ABOUT THE FLOWER, YOU PSYCHO! YOU'RE THE PSYCHO! YES, YOU'RE-- I'M NOT PSYCHO!