According To Jim s01e14 Episode Script

CHERYL YEAH? UH I THINK, UH, K-KYLE NEEDS YOU.
OH.
OH, OH, HONEY! WHAT HE NEEDS IS TO BE CHANGED.
I KNOW, BUT YOU DO IT SO WELL.
OH, OH, OH, OH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU NEED TO HELP RUBY WITH HER VALENTINES, OKAY? OKAY.
BYE, STINKY.
DON'T EAT ALL THE CANDY HEARTS.
MOMMY SAID DON'T EAT THEM.
MOMMY SAID DON'T EAT ALL OF THEM.
SEE? LISTENING IS IMPORTANT.
WHAT'S THIS ONE HERE? OH, YEAH! TWO TURTLES KISSING.
"SHELL YOU BE MINE?" [CHUCKLES.]
THAT'S CLEVER.
WHO'S BRAD? [Sarcastically.]
HER BOYFRIEND.
SHUT UP! GIVE ME THAT.
"P.
S.
MY DAD IS THE BOOGEYMAN, AND HE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE.
" OH "YIPPETY-DIPPETY-DO.
" HAH! OH, BABY.
HEY! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WE'RE MOOSES, AND DADDY'S A BEAR.
IS HE CHASING YOU? NO, HE'S HIBERNATING IN HIS CHAIR.
I SEE.
SPRINGTIME! ARRR! THEY'RE GONE.
OHH.
PLAYING WITH THESE KIDS JUST WEARS YOU OUT.
I THINK I NEED A NAP.
HEY! SO I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT VALENTINE'S DAY.
OH, VALENTINE'S DAY.
COME ON, HONEY, THAT IS SUCH A RACKET CREATED BY WOMEN LIKE SALADS, DEODORANT, CUDDLING.
ARE YOU DONE? YEAH.
SO, I WAS THINKING-- MAYBE THIS YEAR WE SHOULD JUST STAY IN, ORDER A PIZZA, AND WATCH A MOVIE IN OUR SWEATS.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE IN LOVE WITH YOU THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.
GOOD.
WHAT DID YOU GET ME? OH, I GOT YOU SOMETHING REALLY GOOD.
IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO TOP LAST YEAR'S SMART MOP.
THIS IS TRUE.
WELL, I WON'T BE NEEDING THAT BLOUSE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
RICHARD FLAKED ON ME.
SHUT UP, JIM! OKAY.
I'LL JUST SAVE IT FOR THE NEXT GUY.
WHAT HAPPENED? EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT, YOU KNOW, BUT NOW THAT VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING UP, I CAN'T EVEN GET HIM ON THE PHONE.
OH, WELL, DANA, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S ABOUT.
CHERYL, IF I MAY? TAKE IT AWAY, PROFESSOR.
WHEN DID YOU START DATING HIM? RIGHT AFTER NEW YEAR'S.
OKAY.
THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.
YOU SEE, CHRISTMAS IS THE COMMITMENT CUTOFF.
IF YOU WERE DATING HIM BEFORE CHRISTMAS, VALENTINE'S DAY IS A LOCK.
AFTER CHRISTMAS, HE HAS NO LEGAL OBLIGATION.
ALSO, YOU TALK TOO MUCH.
OKAY, THIS BEAR IS HITTING THE WOODS.
HEY, DANA, COME HERE.
I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANNA GET JIM FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA? HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING TO ME? I'M GONNA BE ALONE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
HONEY, WE ALREADY KNOW YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY'S RUINED.
CAN WE FOCUS ON ME? OKAY.
LET'S SEE-- WHAT DOESN'T JIM HAVE? OH, I KNOW! HOW ABOUT OPPOSABLE THUMBS? DANA! YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I THINK YOU FORGET HE'S MY HUSBAND.
[SIGHS.]
AND THAT WAS VERY FUNNY.
VERY FUNNY.
OH, I KNOW-- YOU KNOW, A FRIEND OF MINE DID SOMETHING FOR HER HUSBAND ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
IT WAS VERY ROMANTIC AND SEXY AND-- OH, NEVER MIND.
YOU'D NEVER DO IT.
WHAT? NO, YOU'D NEVER DO IT.
TELL ME! WELL, SHE GOT SOMEONE TO TAKE THESE BOUDOIR PHOTOS.
[SQUEALS.]
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! I KNOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FUN.
THAT IS A LOUSY THING TO SAY.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I-I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
I-I-I HAPPEN TO BE A LOT OF FUN.
THE OTHER MOMS IN MY CUPCAKE CLASS CALL ME "GREGARIOUS.
" CUPCAKE CLASS? OH, CHERYL, I'VE SO LOST YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT? I-I-I COULD BE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD TAKE A SEXY BOUDOIR PH-- WAS SHE NAKED? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, IT WAS TASTEFUL LINGERIE.
IT WAS SOFT FOCUS, VERY CLASSY.
YOU KNOW, THAT MIGHT BE FUN.
I AM GONNA CONSIDER THAT.
LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DONE CONSIDERING IT, 'CAUSE WE BOTH KNOW THERE'S A "NO" COMING.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THERE IS A "YES" COMING.
YES! YOU SEE? THERE IT IS! 'CAUSE I AM A NUT.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
WELL, DO YOU BELIEVE THIS? WELL, WE HAVE A COUPLE DAYS TO WORK ON IT.
ALL RIGHT.
IN A RED BAG AND EVERYTHING.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
OHH! [GASPS.]
OH, AN EMERGENCY ROADSIDE KIT! HONEY! YOU LIKE IT? I LOVE IT! LOOK WHAT I GOT IN HERE FOR YOU.
WOW! IT'S GOT A FLASHLIGHT HERE.
NO WAY! YEAH, YOU GOT THREE EMERGENCY FLARES.
WOW.
AND LOOK--A LITTLE CRACKERS-AND-CHEESE PACK IN CASE YOU GET STUCK IN A RAVINE.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
ACTUALLY, LET ME TAKE THOSE NOW.
I'LL REPLACE IT LATER.
OKAY.
MY TURN! MY TURN! MY TURN! MY TURN! CHERYL, CALM DOWN! THERE'S ONLY THREE CRACKERS.
NO! NO, HONEY! MY PRESENT! YOU READY? OKAY, OPEN IT! OPEN IT! OPEN IT! OPEN IT! WELL, IT'S NOT A HOME-ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE IT! [CHUCKLES.]
YOU ARE TOO MUCH, BABY.
HAH! [GASPS.]
WELL? OH! [LAUGHING.]
WOW! YOU ARE AMAZING! YOU KNOW, YOU COULD GO PRO! I MEAN AS A MODEL! OH! DO YOU LIKE IT? LIKE IT?! I WANNA MARRY IT! BUT I DID! I CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF IT! WELL MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF IT FOR THIS.
MMM.
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYS.]
YEAH! [LAUGHS.]
YOU WERE ON FIRE, MAN! THAT WAS GREAT! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY ON THE BLACK KEYS? YEAH, MAN.
WHAT GOT INTO YOU? A LITTLE MUSE BY THE NAME OF KELLY.
AHH! AHH! AHH! YEAH, I MET HER ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
NOW, I DON'T LIKE TO KISS AND TELL, BUT LET'S JUST SAY I KISSED HER AND NOW I'M TELLING! I WILL TELL ALL! SO, WHAT HAPPENED, HUH? I KISSED HER.
THAT'S IT.
GOOD STORY.
HEY, YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SAY, THIS WAS MY FIRST VALENTINE'S DAY WITHOUT THE EX-WIFE.
I THOUGHT I'D BE VERY SAD, YOU KNOW, BUT I WENT OUT WITH THIS CHICK FROM WORK, HAD A GREAT TIME.
I DIDN'T MISS THE EX-WIFE AT ALL.
GOOD FOR YOU! HOW ABOUT YOU, JOE? WHAT DID YOU DO? WENT OUT WITH YOUR EX-WIFE.
SHE DOESN'T MISS YOU, EITHER, MAN.
JIM, YOU'RE KINDA QUIET.
WHAT DID YOU AND CHERYL DO? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY DID.
THEY SAT AROUND ON THE COUCH IN RATTY OLD SWEATSHIRTS COVERED IN PIZZA SAUCE AND BABY SPIT-UP.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.
WE ALL GOTTA KNOW-- DID YOU FALL ASLEEP IN THE BATHTUB OR THE COUCH? HA! HEH HEH HEH HEH.
WHAT? AH, HAH! HEE HEE HEE.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANNA SEE WHAT 10 YEARS BRINGS? I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT LOOK AT THAT.
WAIT.
OH, WAS THAT CHERYL? WELL, YES, IT WAS! WHO DID YOU THINK IT WAS? OH, COME ON.
THAT COULD'VE BEEN ANYBODY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! TAKE A LONG, LONG LOOK AT THAT, BOYS.
LOOKY THERE.
THAT'S MY WIFE'S FACE.
THAT'S MY WIFE'S BODY.
AND THAT PARASOL? I THINK THEY GAVE THAT TO HER.
BEAUTIFUL, HUH? STOP LOOKING AT THAT! THAT'S MY SISTER! HEY, GIVE ME THAT! GIVE ME THAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GIVE ME THAT BACK.
HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON? UH, JUST A LITTLE, UH, BAND WRESTLING, YOU KNOW.
I WIN! GIVE ME THAT! UM UH OKAY, YOU'RE BUSY.
GET IN HERE! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHOWED THIS TO THEM! THIS WAS ONLY FOR YOU! OH, OKAY.
WELL, NOW I KNOW.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
Y-Y-YOU NEVER KNOW.
YOU ARE CLUELESS! SO WE'RE COOL, RIGHT? RIGHT? YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
CHERYL, CHERYL, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THE GUYS, THEY WERE ALL BRAGGING ABOUT HOW HOT THEIR VALENTINE'S DAY WAS, AND HOW WE WERE A BORING COUPLE, AND I TOOK UMBRAGE WITH IT.
YOU USED IT RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
TRUST ME.
I WAS DEFENDING YOUR HONOR.
BY SHOWING HALF-NAKED PICTURES OF ME IN THE GARAGE? YES, AND IT WORKED PERFECTLY! YOU WERE SHOWING OFF! SO WHAT? YOU SHOW OFF ALL THE TIME! YOU BRAG ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW, TO YOUR FRIENDS WHEN I GET A BIG CONTRACT OR YOU TELL THE NEIGHBORS HOW GOOD I AM IN BED.
I'M NOT TELLING THEM THAT.
SOMEBODY IS.
JIM, JIM, LOOK AT ME.
SEE THESE? YES.
THESE ARE MY "DIVORCE EYES.
" YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO OBJECTIFY ME SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE A BIG MAN IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS.
CHERYL, I THINK YOU ARE OVERREACTING.
OVERREACTING IS PAINTING THE FRONT DOOR BLACK BECAUSE THE CUBS LOST.
THEY ARE GONNA WIN THE WORLD SERIES! JIM, ALL I'M ASKING IS THAT YOU NEVER SHOW THAT PICTURE TO ANYONE AGAIN.
OKAY.
I WILL NEVER SHOW THAT PICTURE TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN.
OKAY? THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WHERE DID YOU GET A WALLET-SIZED PHOTO, ANYWAY? OH, KINKO'S! WHAT?! THOSE GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! ARE THERE ANY MORE? JUST THIS COFFEE MUG.
"LIKE IT HOT?" YEAH.
THE CASHIER CAME UP WITH THAT.
IT'S CUTE.
CHERYL! IT WAS A WOMAN! [MUG SHATTERS.]
WELL, I'M KEEPING THE KEY CHAIN.
KYLE FINALLY WENT DOWN.
GOOD.
SO, WHAT DID YOU END UP DOING FOR VALENTINE'S DAY? I WENT TO MORTON'S ALONE.
OH, I'M SORRY.
OH, NO, DON'T BE.
MY WAITER WAS DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS.
WE REALLY CLICKED.
WE WENT OUT AFTERWARDS AND TALKED FOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS.
AND THEN, AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, HE GAVE ME A SINGLE RED ROSE.
IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST ROMANTIC VALENTINE'S DAYS I'VE EVER HAD.
HONEY, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
WHEN ARE YOU GONNA SEE HIM AGAIN? [SCOFFS.]
CHERYL, HE'S A WAITER.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
OH, MY GOD! I HAVE THE SAME SHOES AS GWYNETH PALTROW! YEAH, TURN THE PAGE.
JANET RENO HAS THEM, TOO.
HEY, KENNY.
HEY, CHERYL.
I JUST WANTED TO DROP OFF THIS CAMISOLE FOR JIM.
WHAT? HUH? YOU SAID "CAMISOLE.
" I SAID "BLUEPRINT.
" OH, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GIVE THESE TO HIM.
Okay.
WHAT? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? WHAT? YOU SAW THAT PICTURE OF ME, DIDN'T YOU? NO.
LOOK, I'M TOTALLY LATE.
LOVE YOU--I MEAN, BYE.
WHAT WAS WITH HIM? I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.
DADDY, DO YOU HAVE ANY FIVES? UHGO FISH.
I JUST GAVE YOU TWO FIVES, DADDY.
OH, FIVES! YEAH, I GOT FIVES.
GIRLS, CAN YOU GO UPSTAIRS? BUT WE'RE PLAYING WITH DADDY.
LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THERE'S A PONY IN YOUR ROOM BUT I'M NOT SAYING THERE ISN'T.
A PONY! A PONY! YAY! YAY! THAT'S A GOOD ONE WITH THE PONY.
KENNY FROM WORK WAS JUST HERE.
THAT'S WEIRD.
HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR TWO YEARS.
THE OTHER KENNY.
OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE THE DEAD KENNY-- I OWE HIM MONEY.
OHHH! I TOLD HIM HE COULD BRING THESE BY MONDAY.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, HE'S SO SWEET.
I GUESS HE MADE A SPECIAL TRIP SO HE COULD, YOU KNOW, GAWK AT ME! WHAT? WELL, APPARENTLY, IN SPITE OF OUR CONVERSATION, YOU'VE BEEN SHOWING MY PICTURE TO THE GUYS AT WORK.
CHERYL, I DID NOT SHOW THAT PICTURE TO ANYBODY ELSE.
I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY-- THE DAY THAT I CAN ACTUALLY, TRUTHFULLY DENY DOING WHAT YOU'RE MAD AT ME ABOUT.
I DID NOT SHOW ANYBODY ELSE THAT PICTURE.
WOW.
HONESTY.
THAT FEELS SAME.
SAME.
ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS I BELIEVE YOU.
YOU GUESS? WELL, HE HAD TO SEE THAT PICTURE SOMEWHERE.
[SCAT-SINGING.]
MILADY.
[SCAT-SINGING.]
AAAAAH! HEY, PERVERT.
KEEP YOUR EYES IN YOUR PANTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I TOLD YOU--YOU CAN'T BLOCK MY WINDOW.
NOW, TAKE YOUR COAT AND GET OUT OF HERE.
THAT SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN WITH THE PARASOL IS MY SISTER.
[LAUGHS.]
YEAH, RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET ME SEE.
LET ME SEE.
YOU MUST BE THE OWNER OF THIS SMUT SHOP, HUH? YES, AND IT'S A PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO.
THAT IS MY HALF-NAKED WIFE HANGING IN YOUR WINDOW NEXT TO A DALMATIAN TRAIN CONDUCTOR.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S ADORABLE! HOW'D I MISS THAT? CHERYL! CHERYL! HI, CHERYL.
HEY, MICHELLE.
DID YOU PARK IN FRONT OF A METER? DON'T WORRY, HONEY.
I PUT YOUR PAPER BAG OVER IT.
OH.
THAT-- THAT'S REALLYBIG.
YEAH, WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT, HONEY, BECAUSE IT'S COMING DOWN RIGHT NOW.
REALLY? I'VE GOTTEN MANY COMPLIMENTS ON IT.
IT'S BEEN GREAT FOR BUSINESS.
REALLY? THAT IS BULL.
DON'T LISTEN TO HER, HONEY.
YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME WE WERE IN THAT BARBECUE RESTAURANT AND THEY TOOK A SNAPSHOT OF ME EATING RIBS AND THEN THEY PUT IT UP IN THE WINDOW? TWO WEEKS--BAM! THE PLACE CLOSED.
WELL, JIM, IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE EATING A PERSON.
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
THAT THING IS COMING DOWN.
THAT IS COMING DOWN.
WELL, WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE! ARE YOU SAYING THAT PEOPLE LIKED THE PICTURE? YEAH, WHEN I TELL THE MOMS YOU HAVE THREE KIDS, THEY SIGN RIGHT ON.
SO, MICHELLE, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I'M, LIKE, A POSTER GIRL FOR SOCCER MOMS? OKAY, THAT'S IT.
YOU STAND HERE WITH YOUR BROTHER.
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE WITH THE CHARM, OKAY? YOU--YOU, KEEP MOVING, KEEP MOVING.
I'M THE HUSBAND.
I AM THE BOSS.
THAT PHOTOGRAPH COMES DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, I DON'T WANNA CAUSE ANY TROUBLE.
MICHELLE, LEAVE IT UP.
WHAT? YOU HEARD HER.
I'M A ROLE MODEL.
CHERYL, MICHAEL JORDAN IS A ROLE MODEL.
AND YOU DON'T SEE HIM RUNNING AROUND IN HIS UNDERPANTS.
ACTUALLY, HE DOES DO THOSE COMMERCIALS.
ARE YOU A GUY? YEAH.
[Clenched teeth.]
THEN HELP ME HERE! CHERYL, COME ON.
TALK WITH ME HERE FOR A MINUTE, OKAY? YOU CAN'T LEAVE THAT HALF-NAKED PHOTO OF YOU HANGING IN THIS WINDOW IN BROAD DAYLIGHT FOR ALL THIS TOWN TO SEE, IN FRONT OF THESE KOOKS AND CREEPS-- LOOK AT THAT CREEP RIGHT THERE! LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S STARING! HE'S DROOLING! CHERYL, PLEASE! YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.
COME ON! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! IT'S JUST WRONG, HONEY, AND THERE'S A MILLION REASONS.
FOR EXAMPLE, LIKE, UM LIKE, FIRST OF ALL LIKE PRIVACY? PRIVACY IS AN ISSUE, YES, AND, UM, UM INTIMACY? THERE YOU HAVE IT.
INTIMACY.
AND AND? AND YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE SHOWN THAT PICTURE TO THE GUYS BECAUSE IT'S REALLY PRIVATE BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND I KNOW THOSE ARE HARD WORDS TO HEAR, HONEY, BUT THEY NEEDED TO BE SAID.
YEAH, WELL, YOU WERE KINDA ROUGH WITH ME.
CHERYL, COME ON! YOU'RE KILLING ME.
I AM SERIOUS.
LOOKIT, I DIDN'T EVEN GO DOWN ON MY KNEE WHEN I PROPOSED TO YOU.
NO, NO, YOU CERTAINLY DIDN'T KNEEL IN GUM.
AH! DAMN! CHERYL, I AM REALLY SERIOUS HERE.
I'M BEGGING YOU TO TAKE THIS PHOTOGRAPH DOWN.
IF YOU DON'T I'M GONNA PARK MYSELF RIGHT IN FRONT OF THIS PHOTO SHOP AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? I'M GONNA LOSE MY JOB.
AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S GONNA BE A PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT FOR YOU AND THE CHILDREN.
AND THEN WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHO YOUR HUSBAND IS, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SAY? "OH, HE'S THE STINKY GUY LIVING IN FRONT OF THE PHOTO SHOP.
" "YOU KNOW, THE CUTE ONE WITH THE GUM ON HIS KNEE.
" COME ON, BABY.
PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT.
MICHELLE, TAKE IT DOWN.
OHHH, CHERYL.
OH, THANK GOD.
THANK YOU, MICHELLE.
HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW? $200.
OOOH, YOU SAW ME COMING! THANK YOU, BABY.
YOU REALLY SCARED ME.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
OH, IT'S SO FAIR.
ALL OVER THIS PHOTO.
HELLO, EVERYBODY! HEY, WAIT! NOBODY'S GONNA SEE IT.
WHOA! MAN! HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK WE MADE OFF WITH A FREE FRAME.
SWEETHEART I WANT YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES.
OKAY.
OKAY.
YOU CAN OPEN THEM.
I KNOW YOU REALLY LOVE THAT EMERGENCY ROAD KIT I GAVE YOU-- OHHH.
AND BY THE WAY, I'M GONNA REPLACE THE CRACKERS-- BUT AFTER YOU GAVE ME SUCH AN AMAZING GIFT, I JUST FELT I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING MORE.
OHH.
SO I GOT YOU THIS.
YOU CAN SHOW THIS TO ANYBODY YOU WANT.