According To Jim s01e19 Episode Script
The Receipt
YOU KNOW, I'VE SEEN CHERYL DO THIS BEFORE.
SHE JUST PRESSES A BUTTON AND THE WHOLE THING COLLAPSES.
THAT'S A BRAKE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! I THINK I HEARD A CLICK.
THAT WAS MY KNEE.
YOU WANT TO GET THE DOOR? HAH! OH, BABY.
WHATHAS HAPPENED TO AMERICA? IT'S GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET, JIM.
BINGO! * B-I-N-G-O * * B-I-N-G-O * NO, NO, NO, GIRLS, THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT NOW, BUT MOMMY WILL SING IT LATER FOR YOU AS MUCH AS YOU WANT! YAY! I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING THE DIRECTOR'S CUT OF "RED HEAT," WHICH, BY THE WAY, CHERYL, IS VERY GOOD.
COMPLETELY OVERLOOKED BY THE ACADEMY.
ANYWAY, THE DVD PLAYER BREAKS DOWN AND CRAPS RIGHT OUT ON ME.
WHAT? WE'VE ONLY HAD IT A WEEK! BINGO! * B-I -- * AH-AH! THANK YOU.
SO, I'M GONNA TAKE THIS BACK TO LAZY AL'S, AND I'M GONNA EXCHANGE IT AND GET A NEW ONE.
BUT I NEED THAT RECEIPT.
OH, JEEZ! OW.
MY BINKY! MY WHISTLE! [ WHISTLE BLOWING .]
THANKS, JIM.
THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL THE STUFF I DON'T WANT THEM TO HAVE ANYMORE.
MY NUDIE PEN.
HELLO, INGRID.
SHE LIVES IN A PEN, JIM.
IF SHE WAS 5 FEET TALLER, YOU'D BE GONE.
HONEY, I GOTTA FIND THAT RECEIPT.
I KNOW I PUT THAT RECEIPT IN HERE.
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT? ME?! I NEVER TAKE ANYTHING OUT OF THAT DRAWER.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS LOSING THINGS, LIKE OUR HONEYMOON TICKETS.
I DID NOT LOSE THOSE TICKETS.
YOU TOLD ME TO PUT THEM IN THE GREEN SUITCASE.
WE DIDN'T TAKE THE GREEN SUITCASE.
WELL, WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO PUT 'EM IN THE GREEN SUITCASE? WHY WOULD I TELL YOU TO PUT THEM IN A SUITCASE YOU WEREN'T EVEN TAKING? CHERYL, ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THAT.
BESIDES, THAT WAS 10 YEARS AGO.
CAN'T YOU THINK OF ANYTHING RECENTLY THAT I LOST? UH, 10 POUNDS? ALTHOUGH, IN YOUR DEFENSE, YOU DID FIND THEM.
THAT IS A CHEAP SHOT, CHERYL.
I AM STORING THAT ONE.
AW, YOU MEAN WHERE YOUR HAIR USED TO BE? WHAT?! DID I FORGET A BIRTHDAY OR SOMETHING? WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE? NO, NO, I'M JUST SICK OF YOU LOSING THINGS ALL THE TIME AND BLAMING ME.
LIKE, LIKE -- LIKE MY CAR KEYS OR YOUR SUNGLASSES OR THE ELECTRIC BILL.
COME ON, CHERYL, THAT WAS FUN.
IT WAS LIKE CAMPING.
BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOTTA STOP KEEPING SCORE WITH ME.
YOU STORE THESE LISTS IN YOUR HEAD.
OH, YOU MEAN UP HERE WITH MY THICK, LUSTROUS HAIR? CHERYL YOU ARE MAKING ME VERY ANGRY.
AND VERY HOT.
NOW, COME ON.
IT'S OBVIOUS THAT SOMEONE JUST BROKE IN HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND STOLE MY RECEIPT! YEAH, JIM.
IT'S PROBABLY HALFWAY TO SOUTH AMERICA BY NOW, CHOPPED UP AND SOLD FOR CONFETTI.
[ SIGHS .]
I KNOW IT'S IN HERE! HONEY, SERIOUSLY, YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO TOUCH ANYTHING 'CAUSE THE POLICE ARE GONNA WANT TO DUST FOR PRINTS.
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! AAH! [ LAUGHS .]
AH, TIFFANY THAT WICKED LADY TOOK YOUR SISTER AWAY.
HI, WELCOME TO LAZY AL'S, WHERE WE'RE TOO DARN LAZY TO RAISE OUR PRICES.
I BET YOU HATE SAYING THAT, DON'T YOU? NO, I DON'T.
WELL, THIS THING IS BROKEN HERE, AND I WANT TO EXCHANGE IT FOR A NEW ONE.
OKAY.
CAN I SEE A RECEIPT? WELL, MY, UH -- MY WIFE LOST IT.
WOMEN, HUH? DON'T GET ME STARTED.
YEAH.
NO RETURNS WITHOUT A RECEIPT.
NO EXCEPTIONS.
AW, COME ON, BUDDY.
WE ALL KNOW THAT RULES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN, HUH? [ SIGHS .]
ARE YOU TRYING TO BRIBE ME WITH AN ARBY'S COUPON? OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE A WORTHY OPPONENT.
LET'S MAKE THIS A, UH, GAME OF SKILL.
I'M THINKING OF A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND 10.
SEVEN.
DAMN! I NEED THAT RECEIPT, SIR.
I'M THINKING OF A NUMBER-- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WELL, WELL, WELL.
OH, GEE.
WHAT'S THAT, JIM, THE NEW DVD PLAYER? WHY, YES, MY DARLING, IT IS.
OH, JIM, YOU'RE MY HERO.
WOULD YOU LIKE STEAK-UMS FOR LUNCH FOLLOWED BY AFTERNOON SEX? WELL, YOU KNOW, CHERYL, I REALLY DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT, BUT YES, I WOULD! OKAY.
OKAY, I GET IT.
YOU DIDN'T LOSE THE RECEIPT.
OH, I DIDN'T LOSE THE RECEIPT.
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
SO MAYBE YOU WERE INCORRECT? MAYBE YOU COULD'VE BEEN POSSIBLY WRONG, PERCHANCE MISTAKEN? ALL RIGHT! I GOT IT! ALL RIGHT.
CHERYL, EXCUSE ME.
I AM GONNA TAKE A NAP TO SAVE UP ENERGY FOR OUR AFTERNOON SEX.
OKAY, HONEY.
YOU WIN.
ENJOY YOUR NAP.
THANK YOU.
BINGO! * B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O * * B-I-N-G-O, AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O * [ INSTRUMENTS TUNING .]
BOYS, I AM A GENIUS.
YEAH? SPELL IT.
YEAH, GO AHEAD AND MAKE FUN OF ME.
BUT I JUST FOOLED MY WIFE, AND SHE'S A VERY SMART LADY.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, HOW DID YOU FOOL HER? YOU SEE, I WAS GONNA RETURN THIS BROKEN DVD PLAYER.
RIGHT? OKAY.
BUT I NEEDED THE RECEIPT AND I COULDN'T FIND IT, AND CHERYL ACCUSED ME OF LOSING IT.
DID YOU? WELL, YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
BUT THAT'S WHY I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A NEW DVD PLAYER SO SHE WOULDN'T, YOU KNOW, HARP ON ME FOR 50 YEARS ABOUT THE MISTAKES I MADE.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
CHERYL STILL WON'T LET ME FORGET THE TIME WHEN I USED HER EASY-BAKE OVEN TO CREMATE MY DEAD FROG, MR.
HOPPERS.
WELL, GUYS, WOMEN.
WOMEN ARE LIKE A DOG WITH A BONE.
THEY BURY IT FOR A WHILE, AND THEN THEY DIG IT UP WHEN THEY WANT TO USE IT AGAINST YOU.
MY BARBER TOLD ME THAT.
YOU WERE IN THE CHAIR LONG ENOUGH TO GET ALL THAT? [ RIMSHOT .]
HA HA HA! I LOVE IT! YEAH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
[ BLUES MUSIC PLAYING .]
[ BLOWING WHISTLE RHYTHMICALLY .]
WHOO! WHO'S GOT THE MAGIC? MOM'S GOT THE MAGIC.
OH, YEAH.
I AM NOT SPEAKING TO YOU, AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHY.
OKAY.
[ MUSIC CONTINUES .]
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID, DO YOU? UH, OVERREACTED TO SOMETHING SMALL? OH, SORRY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
I HATE YOU WHEN YOU DANCE.
STOP DANCING! I MADE YOUR STUPID SPAGHETTI SAUCE LAST NIGHT FOR MY DATE, AND IT WAS AWFUL.
OH, HONEY, YOUR DATES ARE ALWAYS AWFUL.
OKAY, WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
I FOLLOWED YOUR RECIPE EXACTLY.
"ONE CAN OF TOMATO PASTE, ONE TABLESPOON OF ORANGES" -- OREGANO! NOT ORANGES! YOU'RE NOT MAKING A SMOOTHIE! OH, MY GOD.
LAZY AL'S.
THIS IS THE RECEIPT FOR THE DVD PLAYER.
JIM DID LOSE THE RECEIPT.
HE IS SO BUSTED! WHERE'D YOU GET THIS? FROM YOU.
YOU TOOK IT OUT OF THAT DRAWER, WROTE THE RECIPE ON IT, AND HANDED IT TO ME.
YOU ARE LYING.
Cheryl: OH, MAN! JIM WAS RIGHT.
I DID LOSE THE RECEIPT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
IF HE DIDN'T HAVE THE RECEIPT, HOW DID HE GET LAZY AL TO TAKE HIS DVD PLAYER BACK? MAYBE HE UNDID HIS TOP BUTTON AND CRIED.
I ONCE RETURNED A CAR LIKE THAT.
HE TOTALLY DECEIVED ME.
WELL, CHERYL, WHAT HAVE I BEEN TELLING YOU FOR 10 YEARS? THAT MAN HAS NO GOOD QUALITIES.
COME ON.
LET'S GO NAIL HIM.
I CAN'T.
WHY?! BECAUSE HE'LL KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT HE DIDN'T LOSE THE RECEIPT, AND HE'LL SAY, "HOW DO YOU KNOW?" AND I'LL SAY, "BECAUSE I GAVE IT TO DANA," AND HE'LL SAY, "SO IT WAS REALLY YOU WHO LOST THE RECEIPT.
" AND I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.
WOW.
I MUST HAVE NO LIFE, BECAUSE I FIND THIS FASCINATING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH.
LISTEN CAREFULLY, LITTLE SISTER.
MEN ARE LIKE A DOG WITH A BONE.
THEY'LL BURY IT FOR A WHILE, BUT THEY'LL DIG IT UP WHEN THEY NEED TO.
ALSO, THERE'S THE CHEWING AND THE LICKING, BUT ALL RIGHT.
HANG ON.
WHAT'S THAT? THEY'RE TRYING TO GET ME FOR JURY DUTY.
UHH! BYE, GUYS.
SEE YA.
WATCH THE DOOR.
OKAY.
WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR? IF YOU SEE CHERYL, SAY SOMETHING.
LIKE WHAT? LIKE, "HEY, JIM, CHERYL'S COMING.
" SEEMS A LITTLE LONG.
HOW ABOUT "BLUE CANARY"? JUST WATCH THE DAMN DOOR! BLUE CANARY! NO.
NO, REALLY, IT'S A BLUE CANARY.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I AM RETURNING THIS BROKEN DVD PLAYER.
I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN'T TAKE IT WITHOUT A RECEIPT.
OH, I HAVE A RECEIPT FROM THE NEW DVD PLAYER.
THAT'S JUST WRONG.
HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT? IN THE NUDE-- WITH YOUR SISTER.
Jim: OKAY, OKAY.
ALL WE'RE GONNA DO IS WE'RE GONNA GO IN THERE, WE'RE GONNA GET OUR MONEY, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET OUT.
SO BE CALM.
[ SCOFFS .]
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
WHAT'S THAT IN MY VEINS? OH, IT'S ICE WATER.
OKAY, MR.
ICEMAN.
STAY CLOSE.
HEY.
HI, WELCOME TO LAZY AL'S, WHERE WE'RE TOO DARN LAZY TO RAISE OUR PRI-- SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! WE'RE LOCKED IN! IT OPENS IN, SIR.
JUST PULL IT.
Oh.
Sorry.
I WANTED TO RETURN THIS FOR CASH.
OKAY.
CAN I SEE YOUR RECEIPT? OH.
OH, I THINK I CAN SCARE ONE UP.
OKAY.
THERE'S A PROBLEM.
ASIDE FROM THIS FROZEN TATER TOT THE SERIAL NUMBERS ON THIS DVD PLAYER AND THIS RECEIPT DON'T MATCH.
WHAT HAPPENED TO "THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT"? THAT GOES OUT THE WINDOW WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO RIP US OFF.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CALL MY LAWYER, SIR.
[ PUNCHING KEYS .]
ONE SECOND, PLEASE.
YES, I'LL HOLD.
YES, JOHNNIE COCHRAN, PLEASE.
SIR, THAT'S A PRICE SCANNER.
IF YOU WALK OUT RIGHT NOW, I WON'T CALL THE POLICE.
[ BANGING .]
IT OPENS IN, SIR.
HEY.
BLUECANARY.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WELL, WE WERE JUST, UM T-TALKING MAN STUFF.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, WE'RE -- I WAS GONNA DO SOME MEASURING AND STUFF.
I WAS THINKING MAYBE -- I DON'T KNOW -- CHANGE THE GARAGE INTO ASTUDY FOR MY BOOKS.
WHY? IS THE RACK NEXT TO THE TOILET GETTING TOO SMALL? WHAT'S THIS? OH, UH WELL, THAT'S THE DVD PLAYER.
OH.
REALLY? NOW, THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE THE GIRLS ARE IN THE HOUSE WATCHING A DVD RIGHT NOW.
SO YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON? DANA WHAT? OH, COME ON! THIS IS THE ONLY REASON I REALLY COME OVER HERE.
YOU THINK I LIKE TO WATCH HIM EAT?! ALL RIGHT.
SO, WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, UH, YOU KNOW.
LONG STORY SHORT -- AND HERE WE ARE.
YEAH, SO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME THE SLIGHTLY LONGER VERSION? SURE.
I LOST THE RECEIPT AND BOUGHT A NEW DVD PLAYER, AND HERE WE ARE.
OH, MAN! YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE! ALL RIGHT.
I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU, TOTALLY VULNERABLE.
IF YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF, I WILL.
WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF? JUST AN EXPRESSION.
COME ON.
COME ON, CHERYL.
GIVE IT TO ME, BOTH BARRELS.
I'M GOING TO! ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M NOT PULLING ANY PUNCHES.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
ALL RIGHT.
OH, DAMN IT! PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO BUST YOU, AND I CAN'T DO IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? OH! I TOOK THE RECEIPT OUT OF THE DRAWER.
I WROTE A RECIPE ON IT, AND I HANDED IT TO DANA.
[ SIGHS .]
WHOA! JIM.
DON'TPLEASE! I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
COME ON! WE BOTH LIED.
OH, DON'T DRAG ME INTO YOUR WEB OF DECEIT.
WAIT! YOU GOT THE RECEIPT.
I CAN RETURN THE DVD.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
HERE'S WHERE MY STORY GETS FUNNY.
AHH I BURNED IT.
WHY? WELL, BECAUSE I KNEW THAT SOONER OR LATER YOU'D FIND IT, AND THEN YOU'D JUST LORD IT OVER ME.
WELL, I BOUGHT A NEW DVD PLAYER BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LORD IT OVER ME AND THEN PUT IT ON THAT LIST OF YOURS.
OH, MAN! THE AMOUNT OF TIME WE SPEND KEEPING SCORE, IT'S JUST EXHAUSTING.
IT IS.
OHH! CHERYL WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? I MEAN, WE -- KEEPING LISTS ON EACH OTHER.
I MEAN, THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME GOOD THINGS ON THAT LIST, OR WE WOULDN'T BE MARRIED ALL THESE YEARS.
I'VE GOT GOOD THINGS ON THE LIST.
REALLY? YEAH.
WHAT? OH, HERE'S ONE.
"WILL EAT ANYTHING.
" HOW ABOUT A GOOD THING THAT'S NOT INSULTING, TOO.
OH, OKAY.
OH, I KNOW! OH, NO.
NO.
OH! OH! OH, NO.
CHERYL, COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME HERE? OH, OKAY.
OKAY, WELL, I WAS KINDA SAVING THIS ONE, BUT, UM HE WAS A GOOD FATHER AND A LOVING, DEVOTED HUSBAND.
"WAS"? IT'S MY WIDOW'S LIST.
IT'S THE KIND OF STUFF I WAS SAVING FOR YOUR FUNERAL.
YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIVE LONGER THAN ME? JIM, YOU ORDER A SIDE OF EGGS WITH YOUR OMELET! OKAY.
HERE GOES.
[ FUNERAL DIRGE PLAYS .]
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU BOTH FOR COMING.
OH! CHERYL, I HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN THAT.
DEAD! [ SIGHS .]
SINCE WE WERE MARRIED, A DAY HASN'T GONE BY THAT JIM HASN'T MADE ME LAUGH.
EVEN IF IT WAS AT HIM RATHER THAN WITH HIM.
HEY! UH-UH! OH, AND HE'S SUCH A GOOD FATHER.
LIKE ALL THE TIMES HE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT WITH RUBY WHEN SHE WAS SICK.
OR WHEN GRACIE DROPPED HER TEDDY BEAR IN THE LAKE AND HE JUMPED IN WITH ALL HIS CLOTHES ON TO SAVE IT.
YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.
A BRAND-NEW ROLL OF LIFESAVERS RUINED.
ANYWAY BLANK AND I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU ALL UP TO OUR LAVISH ESTATE FOR CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR.
WHO'S BLANK? MY BOYFRIEND.
YEAH, HE'S THE CUTE DOCTOR WHO FOUGHT SO VALIANTLY TO SAVE YOU.
[ CHUCKLES .]
YOU'RE TOO MUCH.
WELL, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DID HE KISS LIKE THIS? MMM.
MMM.
NO.
NO, HE DIDN'T.
ACTUALLY, HE KISSED LIKE THIS.
MMM.
MMM.
MMM! I'LL KILL HIM! BUT FIRSTTHIS.
[ Voice breaking .]
I JUST LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR THAT RECEIPT, AND I JUST COULDN'T FIND IT.
[ SNIFFLES .]
OH, IT'S HOT IN HERE, ISN'T IT? [ GIGGLES .]
ANYWAY SO, UM, IF I DON'T GET $200 BY TOMORROW MORNING, MY TWIN SISTER AND I AREN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO PAY THE ENROLLMENT FEE FOR THE LINGERIE CONTEST.
YEAH.
OKAY.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
HERE, HERE.
AND HERE'S A UNIVERSAL REMOTE ON THE HOUSE.
JUST TAKE THAT.
OH, THANK YOU.
IT OPENS IN, YOU KNOW.
THANK YOU.
GOTCHA!
SHE JUST PRESSES A BUTTON AND THE WHOLE THING COLLAPSES.
THAT'S A BRAKE.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! I THINK I HEARD A CLICK.
THAT WAS MY KNEE.
YOU WANT TO GET THE DOOR? HAH! OH, BABY.
WHATHAS HAPPENED TO AMERICA? IT'S GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET, JIM.
BINGO! * B-I-N-G-O * * B-I-N-G-O * NO, NO, NO, GIRLS, THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT NOW, BUT MOMMY WILL SING IT LATER FOR YOU AS MUCH AS YOU WANT! YAY! I'M SITTING THERE WATCHING THE DIRECTOR'S CUT OF "RED HEAT," WHICH, BY THE WAY, CHERYL, IS VERY GOOD.
COMPLETELY OVERLOOKED BY THE ACADEMY.
ANYWAY, THE DVD PLAYER BREAKS DOWN AND CRAPS RIGHT OUT ON ME.
WHAT? WE'VE ONLY HAD IT A WEEK! BINGO! * B-I -- * AH-AH! THANK YOU.
SO, I'M GONNA TAKE THIS BACK TO LAZY AL'S, AND I'M GONNA EXCHANGE IT AND GET A NEW ONE.
BUT I NEED THAT RECEIPT.
OH, JEEZ! OW.
MY BINKY! MY WHISTLE! [ WHISTLE BLOWING .]
THANKS, JIM.
THAT'S WHERE I KEEP ALL THE STUFF I DON'T WANT THEM TO HAVE ANYMORE.
MY NUDIE PEN.
HELLO, INGRID.
SHE LIVES IN A PEN, JIM.
IF SHE WAS 5 FEET TALLER, YOU'D BE GONE.
HONEY, I GOTTA FIND THAT RECEIPT.
I KNOW I PUT THAT RECEIPT IN HERE.
WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT? ME?! I NEVER TAKE ANYTHING OUT OF THAT DRAWER.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS LOSING THINGS, LIKE OUR HONEYMOON TICKETS.
I DID NOT LOSE THOSE TICKETS.
YOU TOLD ME TO PUT THEM IN THE GREEN SUITCASE.
WE DIDN'T TAKE THE GREEN SUITCASE.
WELL, WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO PUT 'EM IN THE GREEN SUITCASE? WHY WOULD I TELL YOU TO PUT THEM IN A SUITCASE YOU WEREN'T EVEN TAKING? CHERYL, ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THAT.
BESIDES, THAT WAS 10 YEARS AGO.
CAN'T YOU THINK OF ANYTHING RECENTLY THAT I LOST? UH, 10 POUNDS? ALTHOUGH, IN YOUR DEFENSE, YOU DID FIND THEM.
THAT IS A CHEAP SHOT, CHERYL.
I AM STORING THAT ONE.
AW, YOU MEAN WHERE YOUR HAIR USED TO BE? WHAT?! DID I FORGET A BIRTHDAY OR SOMETHING? WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE? NO, NO, I'M JUST SICK OF YOU LOSING THINGS ALL THE TIME AND BLAMING ME.
LIKE, LIKE -- LIKE MY CAR KEYS OR YOUR SUNGLASSES OR THE ELECTRIC BILL.
COME ON, CHERYL, THAT WAS FUN.
IT WAS LIKE CAMPING.
BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOTTA STOP KEEPING SCORE WITH ME.
YOU STORE THESE LISTS IN YOUR HEAD.
OH, YOU MEAN UP HERE WITH MY THICK, LUSTROUS HAIR? CHERYL YOU ARE MAKING ME VERY ANGRY.
AND VERY HOT.
NOW, COME ON.
IT'S OBVIOUS THAT SOMEONE JUST BROKE IN HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND STOLE MY RECEIPT! YEAH, JIM.
IT'S PROBABLY HALFWAY TO SOUTH AMERICA BY NOW, CHOPPED UP AND SOLD FOR CONFETTI.
[ SIGHS .]
I KNOW IT'S IN HERE! HONEY, SERIOUSLY, YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO TOUCH ANYTHING 'CAUSE THE POLICE ARE GONNA WANT TO DUST FOR PRINTS.
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! AAH! [ LAUGHS .]
AH, TIFFANY THAT WICKED LADY TOOK YOUR SISTER AWAY.
HI, WELCOME TO LAZY AL'S, WHERE WE'RE TOO DARN LAZY TO RAISE OUR PRICES.
I BET YOU HATE SAYING THAT, DON'T YOU? NO, I DON'T.
WELL, THIS THING IS BROKEN HERE, AND I WANT TO EXCHANGE IT FOR A NEW ONE.
OKAY.
CAN I SEE A RECEIPT? WELL, MY, UH -- MY WIFE LOST IT.
WOMEN, HUH? DON'T GET ME STARTED.
YEAH.
NO RETURNS WITHOUT A RECEIPT.
NO EXCEPTIONS.
AW, COME ON, BUDDY.
WE ALL KNOW THAT RULES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN, HUH? [ SIGHS .]
ARE YOU TRYING TO BRIBE ME WITH AN ARBY'S COUPON? OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE A WORTHY OPPONENT.
LET'S MAKE THIS A, UH, GAME OF SKILL.
I'M THINKING OF A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND 10.
SEVEN.
DAMN! I NEED THAT RECEIPT, SIR.
I'M THINKING OF A NUMBER-- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WELL, WELL, WELL.
OH, GEE.
WHAT'S THAT, JIM, THE NEW DVD PLAYER? WHY, YES, MY DARLING, IT IS.
OH, JIM, YOU'RE MY HERO.
WOULD YOU LIKE STEAK-UMS FOR LUNCH FOLLOWED BY AFTERNOON SEX? WELL, YOU KNOW, CHERYL, I REALLY DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT, BUT YES, I WOULD! OKAY.
OKAY, I GET IT.
YOU DIDN'T LOSE THE RECEIPT.
OH, I DIDN'T LOSE THE RECEIPT.
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
SO MAYBE YOU WERE INCORRECT? MAYBE YOU COULD'VE BEEN POSSIBLY WRONG, PERCHANCE MISTAKEN? ALL RIGHT! I GOT IT! ALL RIGHT.
CHERYL, EXCUSE ME.
I AM GONNA TAKE A NAP TO SAVE UP ENERGY FOR OUR AFTERNOON SEX.
OKAY, HONEY.
YOU WIN.
ENJOY YOUR NAP.
THANK YOU.
BINGO! * B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O * * B-I-N-G-O, AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O * [ INSTRUMENTS TUNING .]
BOYS, I AM A GENIUS.
YEAH? SPELL IT.
YEAH, GO AHEAD AND MAKE FUN OF ME.
BUT I JUST FOOLED MY WIFE, AND SHE'S A VERY SMART LADY.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, HOW DID YOU FOOL HER? YOU SEE, I WAS GONNA RETURN THIS BROKEN DVD PLAYER.
RIGHT? OKAY.
BUT I NEEDED THE RECEIPT AND I COULDN'T FIND IT, AND CHERYL ACCUSED ME OF LOSING IT.
DID YOU? WELL, YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
BUT THAT'S WHY I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A NEW DVD PLAYER SO SHE WOULDN'T, YOU KNOW, HARP ON ME FOR 50 YEARS ABOUT THE MISTAKES I MADE.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
CHERYL STILL WON'T LET ME FORGET THE TIME WHEN I USED HER EASY-BAKE OVEN TO CREMATE MY DEAD FROG, MR.
HOPPERS.
WELL, GUYS, WOMEN.
WOMEN ARE LIKE A DOG WITH A BONE.
THEY BURY IT FOR A WHILE, AND THEN THEY DIG IT UP WHEN THEY WANT TO USE IT AGAINST YOU.
MY BARBER TOLD ME THAT.
YOU WERE IN THE CHAIR LONG ENOUGH TO GET ALL THAT? [ RIMSHOT .]
HA HA HA! I LOVE IT! YEAH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
[ BLUES MUSIC PLAYING .]
[ BLOWING WHISTLE RHYTHMICALLY .]
WHOO! WHO'S GOT THE MAGIC? MOM'S GOT THE MAGIC.
OH, YEAH.
I AM NOT SPEAKING TO YOU, AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHY.
OKAY.
[ MUSIC CONTINUES .]
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID, DO YOU? UH, OVERREACTED TO SOMETHING SMALL? OH, SORRY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
I HATE YOU WHEN YOU DANCE.
STOP DANCING! I MADE YOUR STUPID SPAGHETTI SAUCE LAST NIGHT FOR MY DATE, AND IT WAS AWFUL.
OH, HONEY, YOUR DATES ARE ALWAYS AWFUL.
OKAY, WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
I FOLLOWED YOUR RECIPE EXACTLY.
"ONE CAN OF TOMATO PASTE, ONE TABLESPOON OF ORANGES" -- OREGANO! NOT ORANGES! YOU'RE NOT MAKING A SMOOTHIE! OH, MY GOD.
LAZY AL'S.
THIS IS THE RECEIPT FOR THE DVD PLAYER.
JIM DID LOSE THE RECEIPT.
HE IS SO BUSTED! WHERE'D YOU GET THIS? FROM YOU.
YOU TOOK IT OUT OF THAT DRAWER, WROTE THE RECIPE ON IT, AND HANDED IT TO ME.
YOU ARE LYING.
Cheryl: OH, MAN! JIM WAS RIGHT.
I DID LOSE THE RECEIPT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
IF HE DIDN'T HAVE THE RECEIPT, HOW DID HE GET LAZY AL TO TAKE HIS DVD PLAYER BACK? MAYBE HE UNDID HIS TOP BUTTON AND CRIED.
I ONCE RETURNED A CAR LIKE THAT.
HE TOTALLY DECEIVED ME.
WELL, CHERYL, WHAT HAVE I BEEN TELLING YOU FOR 10 YEARS? THAT MAN HAS NO GOOD QUALITIES.
COME ON.
LET'S GO NAIL HIM.
I CAN'T.
WHY?! BECAUSE HE'LL KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT HE DIDN'T LOSE THE RECEIPT, AND HE'LL SAY, "HOW DO YOU KNOW?" AND I'LL SAY, "BECAUSE I GAVE IT TO DANA," AND HE'LL SAY, "SO IT WAS REALLY YOU WHO LOST THE RECEIPT.
" AND I WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.
WOW.
I MUST HAVE NO LIFE, BECAUSE I FIND THIS FASCINATING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH.
LISTEN CAREFULLY, LITTLE SISTER.
MEN ARE LIKE A DOG WITH A BONE.
THEY'LL BURY IT FOR A WHILE, BUT THEY'LL DIG IT UP WHEN THEY NEED TO.
ALSO, THERE'S THE CHEWING AND THE LICKING, BUT ALL RIGHT.
HANG ON.
WHAT'S THAT? THEY'RE TRYING TO GET ME FOR JURY DUTY.
UHH! BYE, GUYS.
SEE YA.
WATCH THE DOOR.
OKAY.
WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR? IF YOU SEE CHERYL, SAY SOMETHING.
LIKE WHAT? LIKE, "HEY, JIM, CHERYL'S COMING.
" SEEMS A LITTLE LONG.
HOW ABOUT "BLUE CANARY"? JUST WATCH THE DAMN DOOR! BLUE CANARY! NO.
NO, REALLY, IT'S A BLUE CANARY.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I AM RETURNING THIS BROKEN DVD PLAYER.
I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN'T TAKE IT WITHOUT A RECEIPT.
OH, I HAVE A RECEIPT FROM THE NEW DVD PLAYER.
THAT'S JUST WRONG.
HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT? IN THE NUDE-- WITH YOUR SISTER.
Jim: OKAY, OKAY.
ALL WE'RE GONNA DO IS WE'RE GONNA GO IN THERE, WE'RE GONNA GET OUR MONEY, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET OUT.
SO BE CALM.
[ SCOFFS .]
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
WHAT'S THAT IN MY VEINS? OH, IT'S ICE WATER.
OKAY, MR.
ICEMAN.
STAY CLOSE.
HEY.
HI, WELCOME TO LAZY AL'S, WHERE WE'RE TOO DARN LAZY TO RAISE OUR PRI-- SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! WE'RE LOCKED IN! IT OPENS IN, SIR.
JUST PULL IT.
Oh.
Sorry.
I WANTED TO RETURN THIS FOR CASH.
OKAY.
CAN I SEE YOUR RECEIPT? OH.
OH, I THINK I CAN SCARE ONE UP.
OKAY.
THERE'S A PROBLEM.
ASIDE FROM THIS FROZEN TATER TOT THE SERIAL NUMBERS ON THIS DVD PLAYER AND THIS RECEIPT DON'T MATCH.
WHAT HAPPENED TO "THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT"? THAT GOES OUT THE WINDOW WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO RIP US OFF.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CALL MY LAWYER, SIR.
[ PUNCHING KEYS .]
ONE SECOND, PLEASE.
YES, I'LL HOLD.
YES, JOHNNIE COCHRAN, PLEASE.
SIR, THAT'S A PRICE SCANNER.
IF YOU WALK OUT RIGHT NOW, I WON'T CALL THE POLICE.
[ BANGING .]
IT OPENS IN, SIR.
HEY.
BLUECANARY.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WELL, WE WERE JUST, UM T-TALKING MAN STUFF.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, WE'RE -- I WAS GONNA DO SOME MEASURING AND STUFF.
I WAS THINKING MAYBE -- I DON'T KNOW -- CHANGE THE GARAGE INTO ASTUDY FOR MY BOOKS.
WHY? IS THE RACK NEXT TO THE TOILET GETTING TOO SMALL? WHAT'S THIS? OH, UH WELL, THAT'S THE DVD PLAYER.
OH.
REALLY? NOW, THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE THE GIRLS ARE IN THE HOUSE WATCHING A DVD RIGHT NOW.
SO YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON? DANA WHAT? OH, COME ON! THIS IS THE ONLY REASON I REALLY COME OVER HERE.
YOU THINK I LIKE TO WATCH HIM EAT?! ALL RIGHT.
SO, WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, UH, YOU KNOW.
LONG STORY SHORT -- AND HERE WE ARE.
YEAH, SO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME THE SLIGHTLY LONGER VERSION? SURE.
I LOST THE RECEIPT AND BOUGHT A NEW DVD PLAYER, AND HERE WE ARE.
OH, MAN! YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE! ALL RIGHT.
I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU, TOTALLY VULNERABLE.
IF YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF, I WILL.
WHY WOULD I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF? JUST AN EXPRESSION.
COME ON.
COME ON, CHERYL.
GIVE IT TO ME, BOTH BARRELS.
I'M GOING TO! ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M NOT PULLING ANY PUNCHES.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
ALL RIGHT.
OH, DAMN IT! PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO BUST YOU, AND I CAN'T DO IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? OH! I TOOK THE RECEIPT OUT OF THE DRAWER.
I WROTE A RECIPE ON IT, AND I HANDED IT TO DANA.
[ SIGHS .]
WHOA! JIM.
DON'TPLEASE! I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
COME ON! WE BOTH LIED.
OH, DON'T DRAG ME INTO YOUR WEB OF DECEIT.
WAIT! YOU GOT THE RECEIPT.
I CAN RETURN THE DVD.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
HERE'S WHERE MY STORY GETS FUNNY.
AHH I BURNED IT.
WHY? WELL, BECAUSE I KNEW THAT SOONER OR LATER YOU'D FIND IT, AND THEN YOU'D JUST LORD IT OVER ME.
WELL, I BOUGHT A NEW DVD PLAYER BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LORD IT OVER ME AND THEN PUT IT ON THAT LIST OF YOURS.
OH, MAN! THE AMOUNT OF TIME WE SPEND KEEPING SCORE, IT'S JUST EXHAUSTING.
IT IS.
OHH! CHERYL WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? I MEAN, WE -- KEEPING LISTS ON EACH OTHER.
I MEAN, THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME GOOD THINGS ON THAT LIST, OR WE WOULDN'T BE MARRIED ALL THESE YEARS.
I'VE GOT GOOD THINGS ON THE LIST.
REALLY? YEAH.
WHAT? OH, HERE'S ONE.
"WILL EAT ANYTHING.
" HOW ABOUT A GOOD THING THAT'S NOT INSULTING, TOO.
OH, OKAY.
OH, I KNOW! OH, NO.
NO.
OH! OH! OH, NO.
CHERYL, COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME HERE? OH, OKAY.
OKAY, WELL, I WAS KINDA SAVING THIS ONE, BUT, UM HE WAS A GOOD FATHER AND A LOVING, DEVOTED HUSBAND.
"WAS"? IT'S MY WIDOW'S LIST.
IT'S THE KIND OF STUFF I WAS SAVING FOR YOUR FUNERAL.
YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIVE LONGER THAN ME? JIM, YOU ORDER A SIDE OF EGGS WITH YOUR OMELET! OKAY.
HERE GOES.
[ FUNERAL DIRGE PLAYS .]
[ MUSIC STOPS .]
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU BOTH FOR COMING.
OH! CHERYL, I HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN THAT.
DEAD! [ SIGHS .]
SINCE WE WERE MARRIED, A DAY HASN'T GONE BY THAT JIM HASN'T MADE ME LAUGH.
EVEN IF IT WAS AT HIM RATHER THAN WITH HIM.
HEY! UH-UH! OH, AND HE'S SUCH A GOOD FATHER.
LIKE ALL THE TIMES HE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT WITH RUBY WHEN SHE WAS SICK.
OR WHEN GRACIE DROPPED HER TEDDY BEAR IN THE LAKE AND HE JUMPED IN WITH ALL HIS CLOTHES ON TO SAVE IT.
YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.
A BRAND-NEW ROLL OF LIFESAVERS RUINED.
ANYWAY BLANK AND I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU ALL UP TO OUR LAVISH ESTATE FOR CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR.
WHO'S BLANK? MY BOYFRIEND.
YEAH, HE'S THE CUTE DOCTOR WHO FOUGHT SO VALIANTLY TO SAVE YOU.
[ CHUCKLES .]
YOU'RE TOO MUCH.
WELL, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DID HE KISS LIKE THIS? MMM.
MMM.
NO.
NO, HE DIDN'T.
ACTUALLY, HE KISSED LIKE THIS.
MMM.
MMM.
MMM! I'LL KILL HIM! BUT FIRSTTHIS.
[ Voice breaking .]
I JUST LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR THAT RECEIPT, AND I JUST COULDN'T FIND IT.
[ SNIFFLES .]
OH, IT'S HOT IN HERE, ISN'T IT? [ GIGGLES .]
ANYWAY SO, UM, IF I DON'T GET $200 BY TOMORROW MORNING, MY TWIN SISTER AND I AREN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO PAY THE ENROLLMENT FEE FOR THE LINGERIE CONTEST.
YEAH.
OKAY.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
HERE, HERE.
AND HERE'S A UNIVERSAL REMOTE ON THE HOUSE.
JUST TAKE THAT.
OH, THANK YOU.
IT OPENS IN, YOU KNOW.
THANK YOU.
GOTCHA!