According To Jim s04e01 Episode Script

1 Hey, baby.
Hey.
How was Tony's birthday party? Well, it was a lot better than last year.
The stripper had all her teeth and no one got arrested.
That's nice.
Hey, did you know that estrogen increases blood flow to the uterus, thereby helping the lining to thicken and expand? Honey, if this is your idea of foreplay, it's very technical.
But I can work with it.
Oh, what's that smell? What? You had cigars and beer.
Ah! And Polish sausage with kraut.
So what? You smell like books.
Honey, you know we're trying to get pregnant.
I mean, remember what the doctor said about trying to raise your sperm count? No drinking, no smoking.
I know, but you know, it's not every day Tony turns 47.
Come on, it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Oh, yeah? What about last week when you came home from work smelling like cigars? I thought that was a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
Cheryl, a guy on my crew had a baby.
It was either smoke the cigar or buy him a present.
Okay, okay, what about the hot tub? I don't know.
I'm not in the mood.
Frankly, I don't like your tone.
No! You're sitting in there every night cooking your swimmers.
Cheryl, look at me.
Do I have wings? I'm not a saint.
I'm not perfect.
I have flaws.
Are you waiting for me to disagree? Would it kill you? Honey, I know it's not easy, but if we're gonna have another baby, you're gonna have to give up some of the things you like.
(SIGHS) I thought we were in agreement.
I thought you were gonna commit to this.
All right, fine.
No more smoking, no more drinking, no more hot-tubbing, no more fun whatsoever of any kind.
Aw, honey, we can still have fun.
Come on.
Come on.
(CHUCKLING) No, after you brush your teeth and take a shower.
Fine.
But just remember, if it wasn't for liquor, we wouldn't have two of the three kids.
JIM: Oh, baby! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, you know what? You carry your own golf clubs and you walk, golf is almost like exercise.
Hey, Jim, you want a beer? Ah, no, thanks.
What? Yeah, Jim's on a big health kick.
He can't have a beer because Because if I drink, I may accidentally wrap this club around your neck! Oh, right.
Mum's the word.
Hey, Jim, you're up.
And make it quick.
My wife's having surgery in 30 minutes.
It's elective.
Good luck, pally.
I'm having a good day.
I'm having a good day.
MAN: Sweet.
Man, look at her go.
Be right, baby.
Come on.
Oh! Hey, that's on the green.
It's still going! Wow! (ALL SCREAMING) A hole in one! MAN: Oh, my God! A hole in one! A hole in one! A hole in one! A hole in one! Hey, hey.
Hole in one! I'm the king of the road A Coupe de Ville is my throne As long as I get the ball It is going, going Going in the hole (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, hey, who's the one that hit the hole in one? Oh, let me see.
Uh You didn't.
Nope.
You didn't.
And you didn't.
Must have been little ol' me! (LAUGHING) All right, you want my autograph? Actually, no.
My manager sent me in here to tell you to put your trunks back on.
Oh Well, that ship has sailed, my friend.
(ALL LAUGHING) People, we are in the presence of greatness.
Yes! Yes, sir, I feel honored to soak in your filth.
To Jim! ALL: To Jim! Oh Man, I partied way too hard last night.
My head feels like you sat on it.
Oh, like you sitting on my head would be such a sweet summer breeze.
Hey, girls.
Have fun at school.
Daddy, I don't want to go to school.
I want to stay home.
Yeah, we want to play all day like Mommy.
Hey! Mommy does not stay at home and play all day.
Sometimes she goes to the mall.
Oh Come here, girls.
Give me a kiss.
Andy, would you do me a favor and put the kids in the car? I'll be right out.
No problem.
Hey, buddy.
So, what are you gonna do all day, little guy? Eat ice cream and take a nap.
Oh, man, you are livin' the dream.
Honey, here's your sample cup.
For the lab.
It's the second Monday of the month.
Right.
Sample cup.
Finally.
Yeah, I know.
So just, you know, do your thing, drop it off at the lab, and I'll get the results this afternoon.
Oh! Honey, I feel so good about this.
I mean, you've been so good these past couple weeks, and the doctor said if you stayed away from all that bad stuff Which I did.
which you did, that your count should really be up this time.
Cheryl, does it have to be today? Yeah, why? Well, I'm feeling a little bloated, and I just don't find myself very attractive right now.
God, are you nuts? You are beautiful.
In fact, have you lost weight? Really? Fill the cup.
Cheryl, I don't know.
I mean, I'm not a machine.
I can't just perform at the drop of a hat.
Since when? Jim, just go out to the garage and stare at that tramp on your tool calendar.
That tramp has a name, Cheryl.
Her name is Misty.
I see.
Well, try not to call out my name when you're with her.
Even tramps hate that.
Love you.
Crap! Okay, kids are in the car.
Any other demeaning job I can do for you? You know, Andy, there is one thing.
What do you think about that girl on that tool calendar in the garage? Misty? Oh, she's fantastic.
I don't know, there's something about a gal in a bikini holding a belt sander.
Mmm-hmm.
She sure could smooth my rough edges.
Hey Why don't you let her? Huh? Why don't you go in the garage, let your mind wander a little bit, and let nature take its course? What the hell are you saying? I'm saying, you know, life is short.
Treat yourself.
Have a little fun.
You want me to go in your garage and Yeah, you know, badger the witness a little, you know.
What's this? Oh, yeah, and, you know, while you're doing it, maybe you could put it in this little cup for me.
It's for the fertility doctor.
Oh, God.
That's sick.
No way! Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy.
Come here, come here.
You know, after all that partying we did yesterday, I'm afraid my count's gonna be really low.
I need your help here.
Okay, Jim, you're my brother-in-law and my friend, but I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Mike Franks in ninth grade.
Do your own homework.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Come on, come on.
Andy, listen, I just need a little time for my body to recover.
I'd do it for you.
The fact that you're even offering raises a lot of red flags.
Andy, look, I could easily go down to the bus depot and get a runaway to do it for a sandwich.
But no, I want to honor you, my best friend, with this opportunity.
Jim, I'm not saying I'm not flattered.
I'm just completely weirded out.
Andy, Andy! Bottom line You give it to me, or I take it! Go ahead.
All right, you called my bluff.
All right, what's it gonna take? Uh, let me think here.
Uh Get in Cheryl's nightgown, run down to the Post Office.
Absolutely not! Well, then great! Let's go to work.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait! To the end of the block.
Around the block.
With lipstick.
Lip balm.
Tinted gloss.
Deal.
You, uh You may want to leave the house.
I'm a bit of a screamer.
Okay, I'm not seeing any wives, any kids.
He skis, and he's cute.
I can't believe you ditched work just to cruise my fertility doctor.
Oh! Cheryl, I am here to give you emotional support Ooh, appointment book.
Hey, he's free Saturday night.
That's good.
Sunday brunch with Mom.
That's sweet.
Mmm.
In moderation.
Oh! Look at this, look! CHERYL: Aww.
Ooh! (DOOR OPENS) Hey, Dr.
Murphy! Hi, Cheryl.
This is my sister Dana.
Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
I'm just here supporting my sister.
Canceled a big ski trip to be here.
Oh, how I love to ski.
Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski.
Anyway, Dr.
Murphy, I brought you some more cookies.
Cheryl, that is very sweet.
I think I told you that cookies will not affect the results of Jim's test.
I know you have to say that.
Just see what you can do.
All right, well, I do have the results from that sample that Jim dropped off earlier.
I put some extra chips in there, so Okay, go ahead.
Okay, well, uh, Jim's count is off the charts.
Oh! You see? You see? That's because he's been following your regimen.
It's so far off the charts, in fact, that I was concerned, so I had the lab run some extra tests.
Oh, God.
Hand.
Hand! Go ahead, Cheryl.
Squeeze as hard as you want.
It's not gonna hurt, because there's no wedding ring.
(MOUTHING) Ow! Ow! Cheryl, there's, uh There's no good way to say this.
What? Is it possible that you and Jim are somehow Related? No! Of course not.
What are you talking about? Well, what I mean is, do you and Jim share a parent? Or two? What? No, no, of course Jim and I are not related! Well, according to these test results, you and Jim share 50% of the same DNA.
Which would make you brother and sister.
Oh! Oh! No, no, no, no.
Your tests are wrong.
That's impossible.
Jim and I are not related.
Yeah, yeah, because then Jim and I would be related, and I cannot allow that.
It's bad enough I have to cop to Andy.
Oh Andy's our brother.
Our only brother.
Is it possible that somehow I tested his sample instead of your husband's? With Jim, anything's possible.
No, no, no.
That's insane.
Why would Jim have Andy's sample? Why would Andy be giving out samples? What the hell do those two do all day? Come on, I got the chicken wings.
Oh, hey, all right.
So, how's tomorrow look for you? For what? You know, get in Cheryl's nightgown and run around the block.
Oh, yeah, that.
That's not happening.
Hey! We had a deal.
Well, you just learned your first lesson in the sex trade Get paid up front.
But, Andy, I do want to thank you.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
Really.
Yeah, okay.
Hey! Oh, hey! How are you? How you doing? How did it go? It went great.
Your count is through the roof.
Yes! Yeah, thank you, Andy, for helping me with all that clean living and stuff.
CHERYL: Thank you.
I mean, your sacrifices really paid off.
Oh, it's true.
Dr.
Murphy even used the phrase "super sperm.
" Whoo! I'm getting myself a vanity plate.
I mean, how great for Jim, whose seed is so unbelievably awesome.
And do you want to hear the best news? What could be better than hearing that someone in this family is intensely fertile? Well, because your count was so high, and I'm in my ovulation window, they went ahead and artificially inseminated me right there! CHERYL: Isn't that great? I mean, honey, that's so great! And you know, I just know it took.
A woman knows these things.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, I hope this one looks like our side of the family.
Oh So do I.
So do I.
You know, if it's a boy, JIM: Uh-huh? I want to name him Andy.
Oh Oh, dear God! (VOMITS) Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, you know what? I wish you would have checked with me! Well, I wanted to surprise you.
Oh, he looks surprised to me, Cheryl.
You're surprised, right? Yes, I am.
Honey, go on, have a drink.
Drink, smoke, go nuts! Because, baby, your work is done.
No! Cheryl, this is This is not good.
Actually, this is bad.
This is actually the kind of Bible bad In the Bible bad.
Cheryl, I think I've gone too far this time.
You think! Well, no, honey, I don't understand.
Baby, this is the miracle of life, and it's growing inside me.
No! Cheryl, it's not the miracle of life! That's your brother's freaky mutant kid in there! We're all going to hell! Cheryl Well, how could that be? Unless you dropped off Andy's sample instead of your own! You knew that and you did it anyway? Cheryl, you don't understand! Yes, Jim, she is going to have Andy's baby just to teach you a lesson.
Okay, so There was no insemination whatsoever, right? Here's a sentence I never thought I'd have to say.
I am not having my brother's baby.
Sis, I just want you to know if it had been true, I would have done the right thing by you.
Get out! Get out! Go, go! That was some good, clean fun.
Come on, let's go get dinner.
Oh, what a day.
I thought I sired my own nephew.
I threw up on the porch, and I loved myself on Jim's riding mower.
Where have you not loved yourself? Ahem.
All right, Cheryl, I forgive you.
What? Well, you almost gave me a heart attack there.
Jim! You cheated on a fertility test! Come on, you act like I'm the only guy in the world who's ever done that.
What is going on in that knot that keeps your spine from falling apart? Cheryl Cheryl, when I went golfing yesterday, I hit a hole in one, all right? It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, baby.
I mean, come on.
I had to celebrate.
Any guy would have celebrated.
Any guy is not trying to have a baby with me! Uh, Cheryl Jim Well, I Jim Are you serious about having another baby? What? Of course I am.
Then why do you keep doing things that might keep it from happening? I'm not.
You are.
You're sabotaging, and I want to know why.
Oh, come on.
Okay, let's analyze Jim now.
What would Dr.
Phil say? (IMITATING DR.
PHIL) "Well, Jim, it seems like "your father didn't hug you enough.
"That's why you love cigars!" I'm serious.
Come on, is it because of the doctors and the cups and all that technical stuff? No! Is it money? Are you afraid of having another mouth to feed? No, no, no.
Will you back off a little bit? Is it me? No, it's not Then what is it? What if it doesn't work? Is that it? I don't know.
Well, is that what you're afraid of? I'm not afraid, Cheryl.
But if I were, that would be it.
Are you worried that you might do everything right and your count will still be low? (MUMBLES) Do you think that, like, as a man, it's your job to get me pregnant? (MUMBLES) And what if I don't get pregnant, huh? Mmm.
Honey.
What? Honey! If I don't get pregnant, then I still have you and the three beautiful kids that you have already given me.
Honey Come on, another baby It's just like a bonus.
Really? Really.
Really really? Eh (LAUGHING) Oh, Cheryl, you're the best.
Oh, honey.
(SIGHS) I don't know how I found you.
You know what the worst part is? Hmm? I didn't get to tell you about my hole in one.
So, you think that's the worst part? (LAUGHS) No.
(LAUGHING) So you're really ovulating? Yeah.
And it's my own egg.
Show-off.
I know.
Hey, you want to go upstairs? Sure.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hey, you want to put on a bikini and hold a belt sander? And the foreplay begins.