According To Jim s08e06 Episode Script
Cabin Boys
1 ALL RIGHT, JIM, YOU ARE GONNA LOVE EMILY'S CABIN.
OH, I ALREADY LOVE IT.
NO WIFE, NO KIDS AND NOBODY DRINKING OUT OF A BOTTLE EXCEPT ME.
(laughs) AND WHEN I MARRY EMILY, WE CAN GO THERE WHENEVER WE WANT! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT SO LUCKY.
'CAUSE WHEN I MARRIED CHERYL, YOU WERE THE ONLY PERK I GOT.
I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOU, YOU KNOW.
I CAN GO ALONE.
OH, YEAH? YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP OUT IN THE WOODS ALL BY YOURSELF IN THE DARK? SURE.
YEAH? WITH THAT INDIAN BURIAL GROUND A MILE AWAY? AH, COME ON.
THAT DON'T SCARE ME.
MM-HMM.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE STOLE THEIR LAND AND THEIR GHOSTS WANT REVENGE.
OH, GOD, OH, GOD, I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! DON'T LET ME GO ALONE! ALL RIGHT.
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
(laughs) (cell phone alert chimes) OH, GETTING A TEXT, PROBABLY FROM THE BELOVED.
TURN AROUND.
SHE LIKES TO GET SAUCY.
COME ON, MAN.
TURN AROUND.
DON'T PEEK.
"ANDY, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
" ANDY, WHY I AM TURNING AROUND IF YOU'RE GONNA READ IT? "YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING MAN.
" (laughs) I BET THE SAUCY PART'S COMING UP NEXT.
I'M WAITING TO BLUSH.
"BUT I HAVE MET SOMEONE NEW, AND I AM ELOPING TO NEW MEXICO.
" WOW, UH UM, CAN YOU-- CAN YOU READ THE REST? I-I DON'T THINK I CAN.
"I'M TERRIBLY SORRY FOR HURTING YOU.
"I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON, BUT I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
" HOLY COW.
I JUST GOT DUMPED.
AND IT COST ME 10 CENTS.
OH, ANDY, DON'T YOU HAVE UNLIMITED TEXTING? OH, MY GOD.
MY FIANCéé DUMPED ME, AND I HAVE A REALLY BAD PHONE PLAN! AH, THIS REALLY SUCKS.
YEAH, IT DOES.
I KNOW WHA YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, MAN.
YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED LIKE THIS? AH, COME ON, ANDY.
WE ALL HAVE.
OH, JIM.
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND SPEND THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN BED.
THERE'S A LITTLE MORE TO THE MESSAGE.
REALLY? YEAH, LET ME SCAN DOWN HERE.
OH.
"FEEL FREE TO USE THE CABIN THIS WEEKEND.
"I KNOW JIM WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, "AND HE WOULD BE DEVASTATED IF HE DIDN'T GE A CHANCE TO GO.
" IT DOES NOT SAY THAT.
WELL, THAT'S WHERE HER HEART WAS.
YOU KNOW SHE CARED FOR ME.
JIM, I'M HURTIN' HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S NOT COMPOUND I BY GETTING STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GO ON A GUYS' WEEKEND NOW.
COME ON.
WHY NOT? WE BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IF YOU STAY HERE ALL WEEKEND.
OH, CALL EMILY TEN TIMES AN HOUR AND EAT MAYONNAISE STRAIGHT FROM THE JAR.
RIGHT, AND THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR CHOLESTEROL OR YOUR WEEKEND MINUTES.
(groans) NOW GIVE ME THE PHONE.
NO.
GIVE ME THE PHONE.
I'LL BE STRONG FOR YOU.
NO, JIM, NO.
I DON'T THINK I CAN.
I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT.
ANDY, ANDY, CALM DOWN.
CALM DOWN.
LISTEN, IF WE GO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
ON THE WAY OUT, WE'LL STOP FOR SOME MAYONNAISE BEFORE WE HIT THE HIGHWAY.
WELL NOT THE PACKETS.
THE JAR.
AND A HUG? HEY, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
YOU KNOW, YOU SOLD THIS PLACE SHORT, ANDY-- A VIEW OF THE LAKE, WOOD-BURNING STOVE.
STURDY BEAMS IN CASE I WANNA HANG MYSELF.
HEY, THERE'S PROGRESS.
YOU'RE MAKING JOKES.
NO, I'M NOT.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT CRYING.
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
COME ON.
LET'S GO FISHING.
HEY, UH, LET ME SEE MY PHONE REAL QUICK.
WHY? UH, JUST CURIOUS TO SEE HOW MANY BARS I GET OUT HERE.
ANDY! YOU GOTTA STOP THINKING ABOUT EMILY AND WHO SHE'S WITH AND WHAT HE'S DOING TO HER AND WHERE HE'S DOING IT.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA GET IN THE BATHTUB.
YOU GRAB THE TOASTER.
ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
WE'RE HERE.
LOOK, IT'S BEAUTIFUL-- THE TWO OF US ALL ALONE, NOBODY WITHIN MILES OF US.
WHAT THE HELL? JERRY? WHO? EMILY'S EX-HUSBAND.
YOU ME WHEN I PROPOSED TO HER.
OH, SORRY, JERRY.
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.
YOU'RE NOT SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY.
(wailing) SHE LEFT US! THERE YOU ARE, JERRY.
HOW YOU DOING? YOU GOT THE TEXT? NEW MEXICO! (sobbing) DID YOU SEE THE PICTURE? MY PHONE DOESN'T DO PICTURES.
WHAT KIND OF A PHONE PLAN DO YOU HAVE? THE KID AT THE MALL SAID I WAS GETTING A REALLY GOOD DEAL! (both wailing) COME ON, GUYS.
STOP YOUR WAILING.
THE MOOSE ARE GONNA THINK IT'S MATING SEASON.
(both continue sobbing) I'M SORRY.
I THOUGH I'D BE ALONE UP HERE.
IT'S WHERE I COME WHEN I MISS HER.
BUT SHE GOT THE CABIN IN THE DIVORCE.
I BREAK IN.
I MISS HER SO MUCH! (both wailing) I DO, TOO! GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS! AND I USE THAT TERM LOOSELY.
NOW COME ON.
YOU'RE FORGETTING THE BIG PICTURE HERE.
SHE WAS KIND OF A WHORE? YES, THAT'S PART OF IT, BUT WE CAME UP HERE TO FORGET ABOUT THAT PERSON.
NOW, JERRY, LOOK, YOU WANNA HANG OUT, YOU WANNA FISH, YOU WANNA BE WITH THE BOYS A LITTLE BIT, YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
YEAH? YEAH.
YEAH, LET'S GET ON THAT BOAT.
THE BOAT.
PERFECT.
GREAT.
FRESH AIR, NEW FRIENDS, NEW MEMORIES.
SHE'S DOWN AT THE DOCK, THIRD SLIP ON THE LEFT.
OH, GREAT.
SHE'S NAMED "FOREVER EMILY.
" CRAP! (Andy and Jerry wailing) SO CONCEITED! SHE WASN'T AGING WELL! I MISS HER! (both continue wailing) ALL RIGHT.
CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.
(continues sobbing) HERE.
(continues wailing) HERE! (Andy and Jerry stop wailing) (cries) I SUPPOSE FOR ME, MY FONDEST MEMORY WOULD BE BRUSHING HER HAIR A HUNDRED TIMES EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED.
HOW ROMANTIC.
I USED TO DO HER NAILS, BUT THAT'S NOT AS INTIMATE.
(Jerry) NO.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
I'M DONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU TWO GOTTA MAN UP AND GET OVER THIS WOMAN.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER A WOMAN IS TO GE UNDER ANOTHER ONE.
DO YOU MEAN OH, THAT COULD WORK.
YES! YES, COME ON.
LET'S GO FIND SOME BAR WITH SOME REALLY HOT MOUNTAIN WOMEN WHO LOVE SAD MEN THAT SMELL LIKE MAYONNAISE.
DO YOU THINK THEY'RE OUT THERE, JIM? I KNOW THEY'RE OUT THERE, ANDY.
NOW COME ON.
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO FIND THIS BAR.
OH, LOOK! IT'S EMILY'S HAIRBRUSH.
SHOW ME HOW YOU DID IT.
GET AROUND.
(voice breaking) ONE TWO THREE (both wailing) I WONDER IF THESE RAFTERS ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD THE BOTH OF YA.
(both continue wailing) WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF FLANNEL.
HEY, NICE SHOT, BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, I'M UP NEXT, BUD.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, A LUMBERJACK CONVENTION? ACTUALLY, IT'S LADIES' NIGHT.
I'M SORRY, MA'AM.
TO BE FAIR, IT'S A LITTLE DARK IN HERE.
AND--AND YOU DO HAVE A LITTLE SCRUFF RIGHT IN HERE.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, FISH.
I AIN'T OFFENDED.
I'M TURNED ON.
OH HEY, GIRLS, LOOK WHAT WE GOT HERE.
UM OH FRESH MEAT.
OH, HEY, UH, I DIDN'T COME IN HERE FOR, YOU KNOW, ANY KIND OF, UH-- WHOA.
WHEN YOU COME IN HERE DRESSED LIKE THAT, WE KNOW WHAT YOU COME IN HERE FOR.
KINDA FUNNY.
I JUST LEFT A COUPLE GUYS WHO ARE ACTING LIKE WOMEN I GUESS MAYBE YOU DON' GET THE IRONY OF, UH WELL, LADIES, I GOTTA TELL YA, I'M VERY FLATTERED AND A LITTLE FRIGHTENED.
THE BAD NEWS IS I'M MARRIED.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M DRUNK AND ON PAROLE.
ANYBODY GOT ANY QUARTERS FOR THE JUKEBOX? HOW ABOUT YOU, FISH? YOU GOT ANY CHANGE? UH, NO, I-I DON'T THINK SO-- I'LL CHECK HIS POCKETS.
OH! OW! OW! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW! (car horn honks, car alarm blaring) I THINK YOU HI THE PANIC BUTTON ON MY CAR AND GENTLY MASSAGED MY PROSTATE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT CAR ALARM, FISH.
NO ONE'S AROUND TO HEAR IT.
HEY, MA'AM? MA'AM, LISTEN.
I'M A DUDE.
BOY, AM I OFF TODAY.
LISTEN, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT HERE? YOU COME WALTZING IN HERE DRESSED LIKE THA ON LADIES' NIGHT, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
LADIES' NIGHT? THERE'S NOT EVEN ANY GUYS HERE TO PICK UP THE LADIES.
AH, IT'S MORE OF A WARNING THAN AN ADVERTISEMENT.
HA.
WHO WANTS A LAP DANCE? WELL MY WIFE REALLY DOESN'T APPROVE OF THIS STUFF, BUT YOU KNOW, WHAT THE HELL? YOU'RE NOT THE LAP.
YOU'RE THE DANCE.
(grunts) HI, SWEET MEAT.
UM, I-I'M REALLY FEELING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
IS THAT A FIVE? WELL, SOMEBODY'S GETTING A SHOW! WHOO! YAHOO! SHAKE IT ALL, DADDY.
WHOO! I RAISE YOU 20 BUCKS, MY TABLE SAW AND THE FISH HERE.
PEANUTS.
SURE THING, BOSS.
CALL.
THREE 8s.
(knuckles crack) GET OVER HERE, FISH.
SWITCHING SIDES, BOSS? SWITCHING SIDES.
ENJOY THE SHOW, LADIES.
PICK UP THE CHIPS, FISH.
(chips clatter on floor) PICKING UP THE CHIPS, BOSS.
(Andy) OW! (laughs) I TOLD YOU THAT WAS A PUSH DOOR, NOT A PULL DOOR.
I'LL NEVER DOUBT YOU AGAIN ON THE SUBJECT OF DOORS.
BARKEEP! OH, HEY, TINY.
(laughs) ANOTHER BOX OF WINE.
AND MAY I SEE A TAPAS MENU? (Jerry laughs) ANDY, ANDY, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
JIM! HEY, JIM'S HERE.
AW.
YOU GUYS ARE HAMMERED! BUT WE DIDN'T DRIVE, JIM.
THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS.
WE TOOK THE SNOWMOBILES.
GUYS, YOU GOTTA GET ME OUTTA HERE.
(gasps) WHAT IS THE RUSH? YOU WERE RIGHT! IT'S LIKE WE WANDERED INTO A MISS AMERICA CONTEST.
YEAH, WELL, I WOULDN'T STICK AROUND FOR THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
(laughs) EVENING, LADIES.
WHICH ONE OF YOU FAIR DAMSELS CAN HELP A MAN FORGET ABOUT A WOMAN? WELL, THE TRUTH IS, THEY PROBABLY ALL CAN.
(blues rock playing) NO, NO, NO! NOT THE MUSIC! LOOKS LIKE THE PARTY IS ON! WHOO! THIS AIN' NO ONE-MAN SHOW.
I WON YOU FAIR AND SQUARE IN THAT GAME, FISH.
NOW GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR AND MAKE ME WANT IT.
LOSING THE SHIRT, BOSS? LOSING THE SHIRT.
LOSING THE SHIRT.
(wolf whistles) (woman) WHOO! (banging) COME ON.
YOU SLEPT.
YOU VOMITED.
I HOSED YOU OFF.
LET'S GO FISHING.
WHAT TIME IS IT? 5:00.
A.
M.
OR P.
M.
? MUST BE P.
M.
I FEEL LIKE EATING MEAT LOAF, NOT PANCAKES.
WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT IT WAS LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GUYS ARE ACTUALLY FUN WITH THREE BOXES OF WINE IN YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BUT I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR, AND MY INHALER'S GONE.
ONE OF THE CHICKS PROBABLY TOOK IT.
CHICKS? OH, RIGHT.
WE HAD CHICKS! YOU REMEMBER? NOT REALLY.
IT'S KIND OF FUZZY.
HOW FUZZY? PRETTY FUZZY.
THEY WERE SMOKIN' GORGEOUS! OH! OH, YEAH? OH, YEAH.
IF 10 IS THE BEST, THEY WERE 250, 300.
(chuckles) WAIT, JIM.
YOU-- YOU DIDN'T STRAY, DID YOU? NO, NO.
(laughs) UGH.
NO.
W-WELL, TELL THE TRUTH.
WHOSE CHICK WAS HOTTER, MINE OR JERRY'S? WELL (sighs) IT'S HARD TO TELL.
I MEAN, THESE WOMEN WERE UNLIKE ANY WOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN.
FIST ME.
FISTING.
(laughs) WOW! I FEEL GREAT.
ME, TOO.
I AM COMPLETELY OVER EMILY.
OH! YOU WERE RIGHT, JIM.
YOU ARE THE BESTEST FRIEND EVER.
(laughs) YEAH, ALL THREE OF US ARE THE BESTEST FRIENDS EVER.
LET'S GO FISHING! ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
(cell phone alert chimes) WHAT? OH, WHAT'S THAT? HEY, YOU GOT A TEXT.
OH, MAYBE IT'S FROM ONE OF THE HOT CHICKS LAST NIGHT.
UM OR MAYBE SOMEBODY'S RETURNING MY INHALER.
OH, GOD.
OH, GOD, IT'S EMILY.
DON'T READ IT! HE'S RIGHT.
HE IS RIGHT.
HE IS SO RIGHT.
COME ON, ANDY, COME ON, COME ON.
LET'S GO FISHING.
COME ON.
YEAH.
YEAH, FISHING.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE ONE QUICK PEEK.
OH, CRAP.
COME ON, ANDY.
"ANDY, I'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
"YOU'RE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
I WANT YOU BACK.
" YOU READY TO GO FISHING? SHE WANTS YOU BACK? WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT ME BACK? BECAUSE SHE LIKES ME BETTER, JERRY.
SHE LIKES STUDS, NOT DUDS.
I WANT HER BACK! WELL, I WANT HER BACK, TOO, JERRY.
ALL RIGHT, WAIT A MINUTE! COME ON, GUYS.
YOU'RE OVER HER! YOU'VE JUST HAD THE FINEST SUPERMODELS WISCONSIN HAS TO OFFER.
MM I DON'T CARE, JIM.
I LOVE EMILY, AND SHE LOVES ME.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY? SIT DOWN! BOTH OF YA, SIT DOWN! NOW LISTEN TO ME.
THAT EMILY IS EVIL.
YEAH, BUT SHE SMELLS SO GOOD.
SHE'S THE DEVIL.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU TWO NEED AN EXORCISM.
GIVE ME THOSE PHONES.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M GONNA BURN THESE PHONES.
YOU'RE BURNING OUR PHONES? I'M BURNING THE PHONES.
BUT I STILL HAVE FOUR YEARS LEFT ON MY CONTRACT.
I AM BURNING THE POWER THAT EMILY HOLDS OVER YOU.
IN ORDER TO GET RID OF HER, YOU GOTTA GET RID OF HER STUFF.
BURN IT! (whimpers) YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE WE SHOULD BURN ALL THIS STUFF AND STAR WITH THIS HAIRBRUSH.
JIM, NOT THE BRUSH.
I'M BURNING IT.
AAH! THIS NAPKIN, THIS MAGAZINE AND WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS.
(raspy voice) THAT WAS MY INHALER! ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE REMINDS YOU OF HER? GIVE IT TO ME.
THIS WAS HER FAVORITE CUP.
BURN IT.
WHAT ELSE? WE GOT THIS PICTURE FRAME ON OUR HONEYMOON.
BURN IT! SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS WE GO AT THE FLEA MARKET.
OH, YEAH, BURN IT! PINEAPPLE NAPKIN HOLDER? YEAH.
BURN IT! ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT THIS DUCK? NO, NO, NO! NOT THE DUCK! GIVE ME THE DUCK! BURN IT! THIS $500 CASHMERE SCARF SHE GAVE ME? YOU GOT A GIFT RECEIP FOR IT? NO.
BURN IT! OH, BURN IT! BURN, BURN, BURN! MY PHOTOS? (all) BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN! AAH! (all) AHH.
LOOK AT THAT.
OH.
NOTHING LIKE A FLAME TO PUT OUT AN OLD FLAME.
HOW YOU FEELING, BOYS? SO FREE.
SO CLEAN.
STILL A LITTLE HUNGOVER.
YEAH.
BUT IT'S A FREER HUNGOVER.
OH, YEAH, DEFINITELY.
WELCOME BACK, BOYS.
(laughs) LET'S CELEBRATE ALL RIGHT.
WITH A SHOT OF RUM.
WHOO! YOU KNOW, THAT WAS HER FAVORITE RUM.
THEN WE BURN IT! BURN IT! HA, HA! RUN.
NO, RUM.
RUN! (all screaming) (fire roaring) WE'RE JUST NO GOING FISHING, ARE WE? SHE LOVED THAT CABIN.
OH, SHE DID.
GOOD-BYE, EMILY.
GOOD RIDDANCE.
JIM, WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU.
YOU GOT US OVER EMILY, JIM.
AND YOU HOOKED US UP WITH TWO OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN TO EVER WALK GOD'S GREEN EARTH.
I'M GLAD YOU FEEL BETTER.
(sirens wailing) OH, THANK GOD, THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
WOW, THOSE ARE TWO OF THE BIGGEST FIREMEN I'VE EVER SEEN.
LOOKS LIKE THE BUILDING'S A TOTAL LOSS.
WE'RE JUST GONNA KEEP THE FIRE FROM SPREADING TO THE WOODS.
HOW DRUNK WERE WE LAST NIGHT? DRUNK ENOUGH TO LE THE CUTE ONE GET AWAY.
HEY, LADIES THANKS.
HEY, THAT'S NOT COOL.
THOSE MEN ARE HEROES.
TRUE.
THEY DID THINGS I COULD NEVER DO.
OH, I ALREADY LOVE IT.
NO WIFE, NO KIDS AND NOBODY DRINKING OUT OF A BOTTLE EXCEPT ME.
(laughs) AND WHEN I MARRY EMILY, WE CAN GO THERE WHENEVER WE WANT! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GOT SO LUCKY.
'CAUSE WHEN I MARRIED CHERYL, YOU WERE THE ONLY PERK I GOT.
I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOU, YOU KNOW.
I CAN GO ALONE.
OH, YEAH? YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP OUT IN THE WOODS ALL BY YOURSELF IN THE DARK? SURE.
YEAH? WITH THAT INDIAN BURIAL GROUND A MILE AWAY? AH, COME ON.
THAT DON'T SCARE ME.
MM-HMM.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE STOLE THEIR LAND AND THEIR GHOSTS WANT REVENGE.
OH, GOD, OH, GOD, I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! DON'T LET ME GO ALONE! ALL RIGHT.
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
(laughs) (cell phone alert chimes) OH, GETTING A TEXT, PROBABLY FROM THE BELOVED.
TURN AROUND.
SHE LIKES TO GET SAUCY.
COME ON, MAN.
TURN AROUND.
DON'T PEEK.
"ANDY, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
" ANDY, WHY I AM TURNING AROUND IF YOU'RE GONNA READ IT? "YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING MAN.
" (laughs) I BET THE SAUCY PART'S COMING UP NEXT.
I'M WAITING TO BLUSH.
"BUT I HAVE MET SOMEONE NEW, AND I AM ELOPING TO NEW MEXICO.
" WOW, UH UM, CAN YOU-- CAN YOU READ THE REST? I-I DON'T THINK I CAN.
"I'M TERRIBLY SORRY FOR HURTING YOU.
"I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON, BUT I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
" HOLY COW.
I JUST GOT DUMPED.
AND IT COST ME 10 CENTS.
OH, ANDY, DON'T YOU HAVE UNLIMITED TEXTING? OH, MY GOD.
MY FIANCéé DUMPED ME, AND I HAVE A REALLY BAD PHONE PLAN! AH, THIS REALLY SUCKS.
YEAH, IT DOES.
I KNOW WHA YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, MAN.
YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED LIKE THIS? AH, COME ON, ANDY.
WE ALL HAVE.
OH, JIM.
I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND SPEND THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN BED.
THERE'S A LITTLE MORE TO THE MESSAGE.
REALLY? YEAH, LET ME SCAN DOWN HERE.
OH.
"FEEL FREE TO USE THE CABIN THIS WEEKEND.
"I KNOW JIM WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, "AND HE WOULD BE DEVASTATED IF HE DIDN'T GE A CHANCE TO GO.
" IT DOES NOT SAY THAT.
WELL, THAT'S WHERE HER HEART WAS.
YOU KNOW SHE CARED FOR ME.
JIM, I'M HURTIN' HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S NOT COMPOUND I BY GETTING STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GO ON A GUYS' WEEKEND NOW.
COME ON.
WHY NOT? WE BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IF YOU STAY HERE ALL WEEKEND.
OH, CALL EMILY TEN TIMES AN HOUR AND EAT MAYONNAISE STRAIGHT FROM THE JAR.
RIGHT, AND THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR CHOLESTEROL OR YOUR WEEKEND MINUTES.
(groans) NOW GIVE ME THE PHONE.
NO.
GIVE ME THE PHONE.
I'LL BE STRONG FOR YOU.
NO, JIM, NO.
I DON'T THINK I CAN.
I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT.
ANDY, ANDY, CALM DOWN.
CALM DOWN.
LISTEN, IF WE GO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
ON THE WAY OUT, WE'LL STOP FOR SOME MAYONNAISE BEFORE WE HIT THE HIGHWAY.
WELL NOT THE PACKETS.
THE JAR.
AND A HUG? HEY, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
YOU KNOW, YOU SOLD THIS PLACE SHORT, ANDY-- A VIEW OF THE LAKE, WOOD-BURNING STOVE.
STURDY BEAMS IN CASE I WANNA HANG MYSELF.
HEY, THERE'S PROGRESS.
YOU'RE MAKING JOKES.
NO, I'M NOT.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT CRYING.
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
COME ON.
LET'S GO FISHING.
HEY, UH, LET ME SEE MY PHONE REAL QUICK.
WHY? UH, JUST CURIOUS TO SEE HOW MANY BARS I GET OUT HERE.
ANDY! YOU GOTTA STOP THINKING ABOUT EMILY AND WHO SHE'S WITH AND WHAT HE'S DOING TO HER AND WHERE HE'S DOING IT.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
I'M GONNA GET IN THE BATHTUB.
YOU GRAB THE TOASTER.
ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
WE'RE HERE.
LOOK, IT'S BEAUTIFUL-- THE TWO OF US ALL ALONE, NOBODY WITHIN MILES OF US.
WHAT THE HELL? JERRY? WHO? EMILY'S EX-HUSBAND.
YOU ME WHEN I PROPOSED TO HER.
OH, SORRY, JERRY.
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.
YOU'RE NOT SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY.
(wailing) SHE LEFT US! THERE YOU ARE, JERRY.
HOW YOU DOING? YOU GOT THE TEXT? NEW MEXICO! (sobbing) DID YOU SEE THE PICTURE? MY PHONE DOESN'T DO PICTURES.
WHAT KIND OF A PHONE PLAN DO YOU HAVE? THE KID AT THE MALL SAID I WAS GETTING A REALLY GOOD DEAL! (both wailing) COME ON, GUYS.
STOP YOUR WAILING.
THE MOOSE ARE GONNA THINK IT'S MATING SEASON.
(both continue sobbing) I'M SORRY.
I THOUGH I'D BE ALONE UP HERE.
IT'S WHERE I COME WHEN I MISS HER.
BUT SHE GOT THE CABIN IN THE DIVORCE.
I BREAK IN.
I MISS HER SO MUCH! (both wailing) I DO, TOO! GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS! AND I USE THAT TERM LOOSELY.
NOW COME ON.
YOU'RE FORGETTING THE BIG PICTURE HERE.
SHE WAS KIND OF A WHORE? YES, THAT'S PART OF IT, BUT WE CAME UP HERE TO FORGET ABOUT THAT PERSON.
NOW, JERRY, LOOK, YOU WANNA HANG OUT, YOU WANNA FISH, YOU WANNA BE WITH THE BOYS A LITTLE BIT, YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
YEAH? YEAH.
YEAH, LET'S GET ON THAT BOAT.
THE BOAT.
PERFECT.
GREAT.
FRESH AIR, NEW FRIENDS, NEW MEMORIES.
SHE'S DOWN AT THE DOCK, THIRD SLIP ON THE LEFT.
OH, GREAT.
SHE'S NAMED "FOREVER EMILY.
" CRAP! (Andy and Jerry wailing) SO CONCEITED! SHE WASN'T AGING WELL! I MISS HER! (both continue wailing) ALL RIGHT.
CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.
(continues sobbing) HERE.
(continues wailing) HERE! (Andy and Jerry stop wailing) (cries) I SUPPOSE FOR ME, MY FONDEST MEMORY WOULD BE BRUSHING HER HAIR A HUNDRED TIMES EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED.
HOW ROMANTIC.
I USED TO DO HER NAILS, BUT THAT'S NOT AS INTIMATE.
(Jerry) NO.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
I'M DONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU TWO GOTTA MAN UP AND GET OVER THIS WOMAN.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? THE BEST WAY TO GET OVER A WOMAN IS TO GE UNDER ANOTHER ONE.
DO YOU MEAN OH, THAT COULD WORK.
YES! YES, COME ON.
LET'S GO FIND SOME BAR WITH SOME REALLY HOT MOUNTAIN WOMEN WHO LOVE SAD MEN THAT SMELL LIKE MAYONNAISE.
DO YOU THINK THEY'RE OUT THERE, JIM? I KNOW THEY'RE OUT THERE, ANDY.
NOW COME ON.
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO FIND THIS BAR.
OH, LOOK! IT'S EMILY'S HAIRBRUSH.
SHOW ME HOW YOU DID IT.
GET AROUND.
(voice breaking) ONE TWO THREE (both wailing) I WONDER IF THESE RAFTERS ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO HOLD THE BOTH OF YA.
(both continue wailing) WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF FLANNEL.
HEY, NICE SHOT, BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, I'M UP NEXT, BUD.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, A LUMBERJACK CONVENTION? ACTUALLY, IT'S LADIES' NIGHT.
I'M SORRY, MA'AM.
TO BE FAIR, IT'S A LITTLE DARK IN HERE.
AND--AND YOU DO HAVE A LITTLE SCRUFF RIGHT IN HERE.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, FISH.
I AIN'T OFFENDED.
I'M TURNED ON.
OH HEY, GIRLS, LOOK WHAT WE GOT HERE.
UM OH FRESH MEAT.
OH, HEY, UH, I DIDN'T COME IN HERE FOR, YOU KNOW, ANY KIND OF, UH-- WHOA.
WHEN YOU COME IN HERE DRESSED LIKE THAT, WE KNOW WHAT YOU COME IN HERE FOR.
KINDA FUNNY.
I JUST LEFT A COUPLE GUYS WHO ARE ACTING LIKE WOMEN I GUESS MAYBE YOU DON' GET THE IRONY OF, UH WELL, LADIES, I GOTTA TELL YA, I'M VERY FLATTERED AND A LITTLE FRIGHTENED.
THE BAD NEWS IS I'M MARRIED.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M DRUNK AND ON PAROLE.
ANYBODY GOT ANY QUARTERS FOR THE JUKEBOX? HOW ABOUT YOU, FISH? YOU GOT ANY CHANGE? UH, NO, I-I DON'T THINK SO-- I'LL CHECK HIS POCKETS.
OH! OW! OW! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW! (car horn honks, car alarm blaring) I THINK YOU HI THE PANIC BUTTON ON MY CAR AND GENTLY MASSAGED MY PROSTATE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT CAR ALARM, FISH.
NO ONE'S AROUND TO HEAR IT.
HEY, MA'AM? MA'AM, LISTEN.
I'M A DUDE.
BOY, AM I OFF TODAY.
LISTEN, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT HERE? YOU COME WALTZING IN HERE DRESSED LIKE THA ON LADIES' NIGHT, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
LADIES' NIGHT? THERE'S NOT EVEN ANY GUYS HERE TO PICK UP THE LADIES.
AH, IT'S MORE OF A WARNING THAN AN ADVERTISEMENT.
HA.
WHO WANTS A LAP DANCE? WELL MY WIFE REALLY DOESN'T APPROVE OF THIS STUFF, BUT YOU KNOW, WHAT THE HELL? YOU'RE NOT THE LAP.
YOU'RE THE DANCE.
(grunts) HI, SWEET MEAT.
UM, I-I'M REALLY FEELING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
IS THAT A FIVE? WELL, SOMEBODY'S GETTING A SHOW! WHOO! YAHOO! SHAKE IT ALL, DADDY.
WHOO! I RAISE YOU 20 BUCKS, MY TABLE SAW AND THE FISH HERE.
PEANUTS.
SURE THING, BOSS.
CALL.
THREE 8s.
(knuckles crack) GET OVER HERE, FISH.
SWITCHING SIDES, BOSS? SWITCHING SIDES.
ENJOY THE SHOW, LADIES.
PICK UP THE CHIPS, FISH.
(chips clatter on floor) PICKING UP THE CHIPS, BOSS.
(Andy) OW! (laughs) I TOLD YOU THAT WAS A PUSH DOOR, NOT A PULL DOOR.
I'LL NEVER DOUBT YOU AGAIN ON THE SUBJECT OF DOORS.
BARKEEP! OH, HEY, TINY.
(laughs) ANOTHER BOX OF WINE.
AND MAY I SEE A TAPAS MENU? (Jerry laughs) ANDY, ANDY, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
JIM! HEY, JIM'S HERE.
AW.
YOU GUYS ARE HAMMERED! BUT WE DIDN'T DRIVE, JIM.
THAT WOULD BE DANGEROUS.
WE TOOK THE SNOWMOBILES.
GUYS, YOU GOTTA GET ME OUTTA HERE.
(gasps) WHAT IS THE RUSH? YOU WERE RIGHT! IT'S LIKE WE WANDERED INTO A MISS AMERICA CONTEST.
YEAH, WELL, I WOULDN'T STICK AROUND FOR THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
(laughs) EVENING, LADIES.
WHICH ONE OF YOU FAIR DAMSELS CAN HELP A MAN FORGET ABOUT A WOMAN? WELL, THE TRUTH IS, THEY PROBABLY ALL CAN.
(blues rock playing) NO, NO, NO! NOT THE MUSIC! LOOKS LIKE THE PARTY IS ON! WHOO! THIS AIN' NO ONE-MAN SHOW.
I WON YOU FAIR AND SQUARE IN THAT GAME, FISH.
NOW GET ON THE DANCE FLOOR AND MAKE ME WANT IT.
LOSING THE SHIRT, BOSS? LOSING THE SHIRT.
LOSING THE SHIRT.
(wolf whistles) (woman) WHOO! (banging) COME ON.
YOU SLEPT.
YOU VOMITED.
I HOSED YOU OFF.
LET'S GO FISHING.
WHAT TIME IS IT? 5:00.
A.
M.
OR P.
M.
? MUST BE P.
M.
I FEEL LIKE EATING MEAT LOAF, NOT PANCAKES.
WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT IT WAS LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GUYS ARE ACTUALLY FUN WITH THREE BOXES OF WINE IN YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BUT I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR, AND MY INHALER'S GONE.
ONE OF THE CHICKS PROBABLY TOOK IT.
CHICKS? OH, RIGHT.
WE HAD CHICKS! YOU REMEMBER? NOT REALLY.
IT'S KIND OF FUZZY.
HOW FUZZY? PRETTY FUZZY.
THEY WERE SMOKIN' GORGEOUS! OH! OH, YEAH? OH, YEAH.
IF 10 IS THE BEST, THEY WERE 250, 300.
(chuckles) WAIT, JIM.
YOU-- YOU DIDN'T STRAY, DID YOU? NO, NO.
(laughs) UGH.
NO.
W-WELL, TELL THE TRUTH.
WHOSE CHICK WAS HOTTER, MINE OR JERRY'S? WELL (sighs) IT'S HARD TO TELL.
I MEAN, THESE WOMEN WERE UNLIKE ANY WOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN.
FIST ME.
FISTING.
(laughs) WOW! I FEEL GREAT.
ME, TOO.
I AM COMPLETELY OVER EMILY.
OH! YOU WERE RIGHT, JIM.
YOU ARE THE BESTEST FRIEND EVER.
(laughs) YEAH, ALL THREE OF US ARE THE BESTEST FRIENDS EVER.
LET'S GO FISHING! ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
(cell phone alert chimes) WHAT? OH, WHAT'S THAT? HEY, YOU GOT A TEXT.
OH, MAYBE IT'S FROM ONE OF THE HOT CHICKS LAST NIGHT.
UM OR MAYBE SOMEBODY'S RETURNING MY INHALER.
OH, GOD.
OH, GOD, IT'S EMILY.
DON'T READ IT! HE'S RIGHT.
HE IS RIGHT.
HE IS SO RIGHT.
COME ON, ANDY, COME ON, COME ON.
LET'S GO FISHING.
COME ON.
YEAH.
YEAH, FISHING.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE ONE QUICK PEEK.
OH, CRAP.
COME ON, ANDY.
"ANDY, I'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
"YOU'RE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
I WANT YOU BACK.
" YOU READY TO GO FISHING? SHE WANTS YOU BACK? WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT ME BACK? BECAUSE SHE LIKES ME BETTER, JERRY.
SHE LIKES STUDS, NOT DUDS.
I WANT HER BACK! WELL, I WANT HER BACK, TOO, JERRY.
ALL RIGHT, WAIT A MINUTE! COME ON, GUYS.
YOU'RE OVER HER! YOU'VE JUST HAD THE FINEST SUPERMODELS WISCONSIN HAS TO OFFER.
MM I DON'T CARE, JIM.
I LOVE EMILY, AND SHE LOVES ME.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY? SIT DOWN! BOTH OF YA, SIT DOWN! NOW LISTEN TO ME.
THAT EMILY IS EVIL.
YEAH, BUT SHE SMELLS SO GOOD.
SHE'S THE DEVIL.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU TWO NEED AN EXORCISM.
GIVE ME THOSE PHONES.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M GONNA BURN THESE PHONES.
YOU'RE BURNING OUR PHONES? I'M BURNING THE PHONES.
BUT I STILL HAVE FOUR YEARS LEFT ON MY CONTRACT.
I AM BURNING THE POWER THAT EMILY HOLDS OVER YOU.
IN ORDER TO GET RID OF HER, YOU GOTTA GET RID OF HER STUFF.
BURN IT! (whimpers) YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE WE SHOULD BURN ALL THIS STUFF AND STAR WITH THIS HAIRBRUSH.
JIM, NOT THE BRUSH.
I'M BURNING IT.
AAH! THIS NAPKIN, THIS MAGAZINE AND WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS.
(raspy voice) THAT WAS MY INHALER! ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE REMINDS YOU OF HER? GIVE IT TO ME.
THIS WAS HER FAVORITE CUP.
BURN IT.
WHAT ELSE? WE GOT THIS PICTURE FRAME ON OUR HONEYMOON.
BURN IT! SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS WE GO AT THE FLEA MARKET.
OH, YEAH, BURN IT! PINEAPPLE NAPKIN HOLDER? YEAH.
BURN IT! ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT THIS DUCK? NO, NO, NO! NOT THE DUCK! GIVE ME THE DUCK! BURN IT! THIS $500 CASHMERE SCARF SHE GAVE ME? YOU GOT A GIFT RECEIP FOR IT? NO.
BURN IT! OH, BURN IT! BURN, BURN, BURN! MY PHOTOS? (all) BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN, BURN! AAH! (all) AHH.
LOOK AT THAT.
OH.
NOTHING LIKE A FLAME TO PUT OUT AN OLD FLAME.
HOW YOU FEELING, BOYS? SO FREE.
SO CLEAN.
STILL A LITTLE HUNGOVER.
YEAH.
BUT IT'S A FREER HUNGOVER.
OH, YEAH, DEFINITELY.
WELCOME BACK, BOYS.
(laughs) LET'S CELEBRATE ALL RIGHT.
WITH A SHOT OF RUM.
WHOO! YOU KNOW, THAT WAS HER FAVORITE RUM.
THEN WE BURN IT! BURN IT! HA, HA! RUN.
NO, RUM.
RUN! (all screaming) (fire roaring) WE'RE JUST NO GOING FISHING, ARE WE? SHE LOVED THAT CABIN.
OH, SHE DID.
GOOD-BYE, EMILY.
GOOD RIDDANCE.
JIM, WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU.
YOU GOT US OVER EMILY, JIM.
AND YOU HOOKED US UP WITH TWO OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN TO EVER WALK GOD'S GREEN EARTH.
I'M GLAD YOU FEEL BETTER.
(sirens wailing) OH, THANK GOD, THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
WOW, THOSE ARE TWO OF THE BIGGEST FIREMEN I'VE EVER SEEN.
LOOKS LIKE THE BUILDING'S A TOTAL LOSS.
WE'RE JUST GONNA KEEP THE FIRE FROM SPREADING TO THE WOODS.
HOW DRUNK WERE WE LAST NIGHT? DRUNK ENOUGH TO LE THE CUTE ONE GET AWAY.
HEY, LADIES THANKS.
HEY, THAT'S NOT COOL.
THOSE MEN ARE HEROES.
TRUE.
THEY DID THINGS I COULD NEVER DO.