According To Jim s08e08 Episode Script

1 All right, periscope down.
All right.
There we go.
And periscope up! Up! Eh, this one's a little tight.
Hey, give me some torque.
Okay.
No, no, no, no.
That's righty-tighty.
I want to go lefty-loosey.
Oh, sorry.
I got it.
Ah.
I was just wondering how many men it takes to change a lightbulb.
Oh.
Aah.
Jim, I-I don't know if I can do this 85 times.
I don't think my back can take it.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
My back just popped.
Just relax.
You sat on a lightbulb.
Oh.
Oh, my god! I just sat on a lightbulb! Well, Cheryl, look at you.
Where are you going, all aerodynamic and sexy? Jim, you ask me that every time I go to yoga.
Yoga? Yeah.
Oh, come on.
You're going to yoga again? That's the third time this week.
What can I say? I like it.
How can you like yoga? It's so creepy.
Oh, it is not.
Sure, it is.
It's contortionists with weird music.
No.
It's like a circus, cobras comin' out of baskets.
Uh, guys, I can't find the lightbulb.
Cheryl, why do you have to go so often? Daniel says three times a week is the optimal amount of study.
Okay, are you confused by the name Daniel or the word "optimal"? I know what "optimal" means.
Use it in a sentence.
Optimal--the optimal amount of children in a family is three.
You stuck me with five.
Optimal.
Look, honey, yoga is important to me.
Daniel thinks I'm ready to take my practice to a deeper level.
Well, all right.
I will acquiesce due to your intractability.
I knew that word-a-day calendar was a mistake.
Mmm.
Mwah.
Oh, thank god.
Found it.
Andy, I don't get this yoga thing at all.
I mean, come on, what does it even mean, "take my practice to a deeper level"? I don't know, but it sounds like this Daniel wants to take something else to a deeper level.
Please, I'm not gonna be jealous of some skinny guy who talks in a funny accent wearin' diapers.
Jim, she's not studying with Gandhi.
All these yoga guys are all cut and buff now.
Huh? And there's a lot of touching and repositioning of poses.
How would you know that? I've observed a lot of yoga classes.
I can't hear what they're saying through my binoculars, but it looks very sensual.
All right, periscope down.
All right, yeah.
You're right.
You have nothing to worry about.
So what if she's seeing this Daniel three times a week for six weeks Wearing nothing but skintight clothes Gettin' all sweaty and out of breath? Ruby, I want you to stay home and watch the kids.
I'll be back in an hour.
Wait.
But I have to go meet my math tutor at the library.
What's 12 times 12? 112? Close enough.
Om Om Breathe into your center, releasing all of your energy as you exhale.
Om Good, good.
One more deep breath.
Om Hey, you got room for two more people? Om My god.
Over here.
Here.
Om Om And down dog.
And back into up dog.
How much longer? I'm waiting to see if he gets to horndog.
Feel the energy flow, Cheryl.
Oh Oh, that does feel better.
What's he touching? I can't see.
I can't see his hands.
And into down dog.
What the hell? What are you, standing in a creek? I'm sweating a little.
That all came out of you? I think I see a trout.
I don't think I'm gonna be able to return the yoga outfit.
Okay, into warrior ii.
Pardon me.
Ooh.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me.
Do you mind if I lie down next to my wife of 19 years, 5 children, and 1,000 lightbulbs? Namaste.
You're damn right I'm gonna stay.
Jim, what are you doing? Yoga.
You know, you kept talking about how great Daniel is.
I just wanted to check it out for myself.
I don't think there's room for you up here.
Oh, Cheryl, if there's room in the universe, there's room in our class.
Right.
I like that.
Very spiritual.
All right, toots, shove over.
You're in my Lane here.
Come on, move it.
Move it, move it, move it.
Move, move, move.
Now moving into warrior III.
Hey, Cheryl, I just bowled a 9.
Oh! Aah! I just made the spare.
Try not to embarrass me.
I find that Very insulting.
All right, everyone, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Let's get into the half-moon pose.
Half-moon? Seriously? All right, let me know when I'm halfway down.
No, no, no, no, Jim, Jim.
What? That's not what it means.
Stop it.
Wow.
Where have you studied before? No, this is my first class.
You're off to a great start.
Okay, I get it.
Sarcasm.
No, I'm serious.
You're really good at this.
Okay, that's sarcasm.
You're a natural.
Sarcasm? All right, back heel down.
Okay.
There.
Straighten out those hips.
Whoo, easy there, baby.
All right, extend the arms.
That feels really good.
Yeah, I'm releasing your chakras.
Feel the energy flow.
I feel that.
I really do.
Hey, Cheryl, I got chakras.
Yeah.
Hey, Daniel.
Any chance you got a pair of swim goggles? I'm getting a little Water in the eye.
Oh, Cheryl I feel great.
Oh! I feel great, too.
We feel great together.
How often does that happen? Well Oh, besides that.
Never.
You know, I really thought you were gonna hate yoga.
Hate yoga? Jeez.
What would make you say something like that? Well, yesterday you called it "twister in diapers.
" And then, this morning, you said it was creepy.
Oh, Cheryl, come on, I blame you for that.
What? You told me it was all, like, cobras and baskets.
You said that.
I don't think so.
What do you think of Daniel, huh? Oh, Daniel, he is so cool.
How evolved is that guy? His mind is so centered.
You--you know what he said to me after class? He said he could take my practice to a deeper level.
I can't believe it.
Yeah.
After all this time, we found something we want to do together.
Yeah.
You know, Daniel leads yoga retreats every year.
Well, that sounds great.
Everybody sleeps in a yurt.
Yeah, that's great.
That--that gets great mileage.
No.
No, honey A yurt is a Mongolian hut.
Okay, okay, tell me, tell me, when is the next class? Tuesday.
I can't go.
The kids' checkups.
Oh Too bad.
What time Tuesday? 3:00, but I mean, you're not gonna go by yourself, are you? This is our together thing, right? Please.
I would never do A together thing Without you.
Aw.
Namaste.
Namaste.
Namaste.
Mmm Hi, Daniel.
Hi, Jim.
Where's Cheryl? Oh, Cheryl? Uh, I don't know.
Sick kids or something.
Can I lead the "om"? If you'd like.
Om Om Om All right, one more.
Deep in Om Om Om One last one, please, Jim.
Om Oh, hey, rube, I need you to watch your brother, sister and the babies.
Your dad and I are taking a yoga class.
What? That's three times this week.
And I know that "yoga" means you two are sneaking off someplace to hook up.
Oh, no.
No, we're not.
We're really going to yoga.
It's something special that your dad and I do together.
We may even go on a retreat.
Okay, but if you two make another baby, I'm not taking care of it.
Cheryl, Cheryl, what do you think the ladies will do when they see my new soul patch? It's just like Daniel's.
I see some dirt there.
Why do you want to look like Daniel? Well, he thinks if he looks like Daniel, he'll get the girls like Daniel.
Oh.
When the ponytail comes in, everyone will say, "hey, why is Daniel trying to look like Andy?" When your ponytail comes in, they'll all be saying, "hey, who's the sweaty girl?" Shut up! Namaste.
So are you ready for some Daniel tonight? Yes, I certainly am.
I am so glad you did the laundry because I need my special yoga shorts.
Oh, honey, I washed 'em yesterday.
They're in your drawer.
That's right.
That's right.
That's where they are.
That's exactly where they are.
Wait a minute, Jim.
Mm-hmm.
These are your yoga shorts.
What are they doing in the dirty laundry? Oh, these are Kyle's.
These are Kyle's? Yeah, he's been eating a lot lately.
You went to Daniel's class without me.
No, baby, no, no.
I can explain.
All right, go ahead.
I just went once.
Oh, no.
Twice.
Jim, that--that's our together thing.
Five times this week.
Oh, no.
Two times on Monday, plus a private lesson.
I can't believe-- and we went for some, uh, chai tea and some wheatgrass.
I can't believe you would do that to me.
How could you? Okay, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl.
I'm sensing that you're upset.
Listen, breathe with me.
What are you doing? I'm exhaling the negative energy that you've been filling the room with.
I filled the room with? Yes, Daniel says this is the best way to stay calm during times of stress.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't quote Daniel to me.
From now on, Daniel is my yoga teacher.
I thought we could share him, but I was wrong.
I want him all to myself.
Oh, Cheryl, you sadden me.
Don't you realize that like the swan on the water, you can visit the sky But you cannot possess it? What? Daniel's mine, blondie! Beat it! Beat it! We'll see about that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Jim? Oh.
Hello, Cheryl.
I thought I told you Daniel was mine.
And I thought you heard me when I said All right, everyone, let's start class with a little deep breathing in the child's pose.
Ooh, child's pose-- should be easy for you.
Master I put in the relaxation cd.
Here is your chai tea.
And one of your pupils, Vanessa, is having a little trouble in the corner.
May I adjust her? Do not touch her.
Then why am I wearing the robe? I don't know.
No one wears a robe.
And you don't work here.
It is my honor to simply serve.
Also, I ordered you a Patty melt for lunch.
I don't eat meat.
Then it will be my honor to eat it for you.
All right, everyone, let's come to our feet and get to the tree pose.
Tree pose.
Relax your hips.
I sense some tension.
Well, no big surprise With her here.
My hips aren't tense, are they, Daniel? No, Cheryl, but remember, we do yoga for our soul, not our ego.
Yeah.
I'd rather have tense hips than a big, fat ego.
It's pretty obvious you have both.
Ow! Ow! Oh, look, Cheryl's tree has fallen.
Mm-hmm.
You, uh, look much better close up than you do from across the street.
I'm sensing a lot of Negative energy between the two of you today.
Frankly, it's starting to piss me off.
He ruins everything.
Uh, look, wh-why don't you just choose, Daniel, between the two of us? Yeah.
I can't do that.
Somebody has to decide something.
Why don't we talk about this outside? Pose-off! Ha! Winner gets Daniel! Hey, everybody, there's gonna be a pose-off! No! No.
No pose-off.
I can handle this, Daniel.
He doesn't even work here.
Just drink your chai tea.
All right, everybody, push it back! Safety first, please! Set the mats up correctly.
International federation rules apply.
Jim will start.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Pose it! Chair pose! Easy.
Go! All right, go, Cheryl! Shoulderstand! Shoulderstand.
Easy.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Whoa.
Yes? Whoo! Beautiful! Go! Go, Cheryl! All right, Cheryl! Happy baby! Adorable.
Next! Wheel! Ha! I can't believe what I just saw! Next! Crow! Oh.
Do you believe in miracles? Next! Oh, ho-ho! Headstand.
Ooh.
Yes? Oh! Cheryl wins! Cheryl wins! It's a madhouse! Time-out, time-out.
Ha! In your face! All right! Daniel's mine! Daniel's mine! Inner peace and eternal light are mine! Are mine! Are mine! Are mine! Ha! All right, you win, you win, you win, you win, you win, you win! All right, all right, the both of you, just get out of here! What? You heard me.
You're both nuts.
Well, I thought you said we should be accepting of all people.
Yes, everyone! Except you.
Now get out of here, and take rajiv with you.
Who? Rajiv! Oh, uh Can you, uh, give me a minute, master? I'm this close to a trikonasana with these two, huh? What happened to us? Cheryl, it is like the egret that builds a nest in the tall grass-- really, Jim, are you gonna do that? I don't know what happened.
We have looked our whole marriage for something we could do together.
We--we--we finally find it, and within five minutes, we wrecked it-- wrecked it! All right, all right, all right, look, to be fair, I didn't wreck it.
I hogged it.
You wrecked it.
But why? When this whole thing started, yoga was just this special thing that was just for me.
I know.
That's why I wanted it.
That doesn't make any sense.
Sure it makes sense, Cheryl.
My whole life, I've always had to fight for everything that I have.
Honey Look I grew up in a family that hid toys from each other Food And sometimes dad.
So, honey, it really freaks me out when you're doing something that's not about me.
So then you either take it for yourself or ruin it for me? Well, there's a third option.
I ruin it for everybody.
Oh, honey.
Honey.
What? That is the most terrible, tragic thing I've ever heard.
Ah, it's It's a quirk.
No, honey, it-- it's not a quirk.
You're a damaged, deeply scarred person.
I know.
Quirky.
So as long as we're married, I can never have anything that's just for me? You can have whatever you want As long as I hate it and know I don't want it.
Okay, um It's healthy for our marriage to have separate interests, and we're not afraid to give each other space.
Very good.
Huh.
You've just made great advice out of my quirkiness.
Oh, sweetheart, Andy's quirky.
You need treatment.
Hey, everybody! Huh! Yoga retreat at rajiv's, so grab your mats and let's chaturanga.
Ha ha! Oh! If either of them ask, you've seen me levitate once.
Can I at least still do yoga? As long as it's a woman yoga instructor Okay.
And I don't like her.
Okay.