According To Jim s08e09 Episode Script
Kyle's Crush
1 You don't have to ring twice, Mandy.
Hi, Jim.
Hi.
Ruby! It's time for your piano lesson.
You know, before they come down, can I just talk to you about the last check you wrote me? Sure.
It was $36 short.
Well, I charge for the equipment rental fee.
For your piano? You're welcome to bring your own.
But $9 a week? Yeah, $8 for the piano, $1 for the bench.
You're welcome to stand.
Hey, Ruby.
Hi, Mandy.
Hey, Ruby, have you been practicing? When I have enough money for the equipment rental.
Well, look on the bright side, honey, you're really getting good at playing standing up.
Kyle, we've talked about the staring before.
It really creeps daddy out.
Can I talk to you for a second? Well Your mom's gonna be home eventually.
It's pretty important.
More important than box scores? Yes.
Do you even know what box scores are? No.
All right, shoot.
Um Wait a second.
Not that one again.
Sounds like raccoons running over the keys.
Come on.
Let's go out on the patio where it's quiet.
Hey, Ruby! That sounds great! You must be sitting on that bench again! No, I'm not! Oh, all right.
What is it-- bad dreams, monster in the closet, cholesterol a little too high? I like a girl.
Yes! You like a girl? Come here.
Give me a hug.
Oh.
You said we aren't supposed to hug.
I know.
I know.
But now I don't have to worry about you.
Okay.
All right.
So tell me, who's the lucky girl? Is it that cute girl from school? Emily? No way.
Oh.
Uh, the little blonde from karate class? Julia? Gross.
Oh, I-I know who it is.
It's that dark-haired girl with the backpack and the monkey.
That's dora the explorer.
Right, right, right, right, right.
So come on, who is it? It's Mandy the piano teacher.
Hey, rub.
Oh, and you are? Uh, I'm Mandy.
I'm Ruby's piano teacher.
Okay, okay.
Good to meet you, Mandy.
Can I go spend the rest of my lesson texting my friends? That's what I'm gonna do.
Was that good? Hmm, I see you've been practicing at home.
Mm.
Mm.
Unh-unh.
Stop.
Stop it! Jim's coming! Jim's coming! Andy.
Shh! Shh! Shut up.
I hear his labored breathing.
Oh, false alarm.
It's just the furnace kicking in.
All right.
No, you know what? I do not want to keep this relationship a secret from Jim anymore.
Look, I told you.
We have to.
Now come on over to my place when you're done.
But don't use the front door.
Jim can see it from the window.
And park in back.
Wait.
That is ridiculous.
You know what, you're right.
Park three blocks away, jump the back fence, hide in the toolshed.
If he comes back for his hedge clippers, then jump in the compost bin.
Andy, I am tired of this.
We are both adults.
We're both single.
Yeah, but, Mandy, Jim will kill me if he finds out that I've been dating the kids' piano teacher without his permission.
It is forbidden.
You need his permission? I need Jim's permission to change the radio station in the car, my car when he's not there.
Oh.
No-- co--baby love.
I just--i just don't want Jim coming between us.
Oh.
Is that because you think I might be the one? Mandy, please, look at me.
Anyone who kisses back might be the one.
I think I hear Jim coming.
Aah! Well, Kyle, there's nothing wrong with having a crush on an older woman.
As a matter of fact, when I was young, I had a crush on my teacher.
What happened? Well, I asked her to go to the picnic.
She said, "no.
" And ten years later I met her daughter and got even with the old broad.
By taking her to a picnic? By taking her to a picnic.
So I should ask Mandy out? Sure.
Sure.
It--it--it's good for your confidence with women.
Go ahead.
Go for it.
Tell me how you're gonna do it.
Show me.
I was thinking I'd start with a knock-knock joke.
Oh, sweetie, that sounds great, a knock-knock joke.
Try it out on me.
Ding-dong.
Honey, that--that's not how it starts.
That's not how it starts, who? You're creeping me out staring at me like that.
I'm just starting to feel like I don't mean anything to you.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Mandy, you're my girl.
You're my world.
Mandy? You are the kids' piano teacher.
Well, it's--it's nice to finally meet you.
Sandy, is it? No, it's Mandy, and she's on my dime.
Oh, all right.
Uh, Kyle here would like to ask you something, Mandy.
Ding-dong.
Kyle.
I mean, Mandy, would you like to watch a movie with me tonight? Oh, how sweet.
Did you just ask me out on a date? Did you just ask me out on a date, who? Uh, Kyle, you did a fine job, very good, but, you know, Mandy may have a boyfriend or some other reason to let him down easy.
A boyfriend? No, I don't have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I'd love to go out with you, Kyle.
Yes! Yes.
What the hell? Yeah, what the hell? I mean, i-i-i don't care.
I'm just outraged on principle.
Well, it looks like you got yourself a date.
Sweet.
Uh, Kyle, why don't you go upstairs, and give us adults a few minutes to talk.
I'm gonna change into something more comfortable.
Oh, Kyle, you don't have to change what you're wearing to impress me.
Yeah, but my underwear's crammed up my butt.
Hey, Mandy, I think that was very nice of you to play along, but I was kind of hoping you'd let him down.
Oh, I'm sorry, but if I feel strongly for somebody, I just can't hide it.
Well, first of all, that is very inappropriate.
Second of all, where were you when I was a kid? Okay, Mandy, I see what you're doing here.
Oh, you learned my name, how nice of you.
You're just trying to make me jealous.
Make you jealous? What--i-i-i hardly know you.
Oh, you know you hmm.
You have known me for the last three minutes.
Wait a minute.
I know what's going on here.
Oh, god, you do? Yeah, you're damn right I do.
You've been sneaking over here getting piano lessons with Mandy on my dime! Uh, yep.
You're right.
Guilty.
Okay, okay, that's it.
Jim, Andy and I are dating.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's driving around changing radio stations without calling me, right.
Andy, tell him the truth so this is over.
Mandy and I have been dating for the last three weeks.
Without my permission?! That is forbidden! See? See? What'd I tell ya, huh? Let me guess what you're gonna say next, Jim, huh? "Oh, Andy, you're just gonna screw this up.
How many times do I have to tell ya, 'hands off the help'?" The help? What? Jim said it.
I didn't say it.
Andy, you know what? This whole thing is your fault.
How is it my fault? You're the one that let a 9 year old ask out a middle-aged woman.
Excuse me? Jim said it.
I didn't say it.
45 isn't middle-aged.
45? Andy said it.
Oh.
Man, this was a lot easier and less painful when it was a secret.
Jim, you have got to tell Kyle that this date is off.
Hell no.
You tell him.
Me? He's your son.
I'm not gonna tell him.
I just sat there and pumped him up and gave him the confidence to do it.
If I tell him to call it off, he'll never take advice about women from me again.
Well, that's not such a bad idea, Jim.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I've been taking your advice for years.
It's why I'm so desperate.
Hey! Oh! Now look, one of you two have to tell him.
Well, look, I am not gonna turn down the one man who is showing me some respect and attention.
Fine, I'll do it.
You and Andy, huh? Between you and me, Kyle is an upgrade.
Kyle! Can you come down here for a minute? Whoa.
Hey, spanky.
Where's alfalfa? These are my church clothes.
If they're good enough for Jesus, they're good enough for Mandy.
Have a seat, huh? We need to talk, bud.
I'm afraid I got some bad news.
Um Mandy and I have been dating for a while.
That is bad news.
You must be really jealous of me.
Uh, no.
No.
You see, Mandy just said she would go out with you to try and make me jealous.
And it worked.
No! No.
Uh, you're not getting it.
Um, all right, let me try and break it down for ya in words that you'd understand.
Knock-knock.
Who's there? Mandy's going out with.
Mandy's going out with, who? Mandy's going out with me, you little twerp.
Sounds like a guy who's afraid of a little competition.
Um Your dad's right.
You are creepy when you stare.
Did you set him straight? Do you know how insulting it is that you would have to ask if I set a tiny little munchkin straight? So the date's off? Well, here's the thing.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, come on, Andy.
What? He's a very stubborn kid with those zombie eyes.
Come on.
How am I supposed to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't have enough backbone to stand up to an 8 year old? Well, to be fair, Kyle's 9.
Andy, I think this is over.
What? Over? Man, I knew as soon as this relationship went public it'd all get screwed up! Thanks a lot, Jim! What? It's not really your fault, Jim.
You don't have to tell me.
That's always the first place I go.
It's my fault.
I was just so mad at Andy for being so spineless.
But I don't want Kyle to get hurt.
Well, I don't want him to get hurt either.
That's why you're gonna do the date with him.
What? What am I gonna do on a date with a 9 year old? Come on.
How can it be different than dating Andy? Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
And--and I'd have more room on the couch.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
You know what? You sit on a couch with him, you watch a movie, you make him feel good while I try to figure out some way to let him down without scarring him for the rest of his life.
Well, I guess I could do that.
And it's completely harmless, right? He's got my genes.
He may make a move.
Well, this is nice.
You know, it's a little creepy the way you're staring at me.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
You know, I'm a little confused by the movie, Kyle.
Magnesium man got his heart battery stolen by a bad guy.
Oh, so is he gonna die? No, but he does need to rest more often.
Ooh, here comes the bad guy.
Magnesium man, run to the outlet! Run to the outlet! Uh, Kyle, what are you doing? My mom always holds my hand during the scary parts.
Oh.
Okay.
Seriously, sweetie, it's creepy.
Daddy, when's dinner? Shh! I don't want to disturb Kyle's date with your piano teacher.
What? Kyle's dating Mandy? I wasn't allowed to date until I was 13.
I mean, I'm still not allowed to date.
Just settle down.
Kyle cannot date my piano teacher without my permission.
This is forbidden! Where did you get that attitude from? Look, she's not dating Kyle.
She's dating Andy.
That is also forbidden! I'm gonna go upstairs and call my boyfriend who I don't have.
Damn, these kids in this house are getting more action than me.
Hello.
Hey, dad.
How are you, my handsome man? You look so good.
So how's it going? Great.
She smells like strawberries.
Oh But she wants a snack.
Well, I thought about that.
I'm fixing it up right now.
Here you go.
Where are the candy and chips? Oh, Kyle.
You've got a lot more to learn about women than I thought.
You see, older women only eat salad, carrots and diet soda, because they're always watching their weight until the dessert cart comes around, and they ride on it like a trolley.
Seriously? Yeah, seriously.
And then they go home, call all their friends and cry.
Why do they cry? Beats me.
I mean, why do they always think it's cold? Why do they write thank-you notes? And what is their fascination with baskets? Baskets with napkins in 'em.
Baskets with fruit.
Baskets with silverware.
Everything in a frickin' basket! And you know what, Kyle? You know what's in this basket? More baskets! Maybe they just like baskets.
It's not good enough.
You think you're gonna go out and have a good time, and you end up in the basket store.
Man, dating sounds so boring.
Oh, it's not boring, 'cause you're sittin' on the edge of your seat wondering how much money you're gonna spend.
What do you mean? Well, your first date might be a DVD in the living room, but your second date you got to take 'em out to a nice restaurant.
Oh, right, for the salad.
Right.
With a little piece of fish on it that costs 50 bucks.
50 bucks? Mm-hmm.
I only get $1 for allowance.
Well, Kyle, you're gonna have to get a job.
Maybe the basket store is hiring.
Man, I just thought she smelled nice.
That's how they get ya.
Man, I wish there was an easier way.
Well, maybe there is.
You know what? I-i-i bet the date would be a lot cheaper if you took out a girl your age to, like, the park.
Or to laser tag.
Laser tag.
You know what, Kyle? I bet a little girl your age would love laser tag, especially with you.
Thanks, dad.
You're welcome, son.
And if you need any more tips about women, you just ask me.
Okay.
How do I get out of this stinkin' date with Mandy? Son, I think I can help you with that.
I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Of course not.
But I will, if I have to.
That's my boy.
Oh, hey, Kyle.
Are you ready to finish our date? Yeah, about that.
It's not you.
It's me.
Okay, I did not just hear that from a 9 year old.
You're a nice lady, but you're too old, and I'm not a big fan of the baskets.
Is this what you want? I can be a cute little boy.
Andy, just hang on one second.
No, Jim, I will not just hang on for one second! Mandy, I'm not perfect.
I make a lot of mistakes.
I'll probably always be scared of Jim.
That's true.
Fear is the basis of our relationship.
But I do care about you, and I really hope you'll take me back.
I-I was stupid not to let the whole world know that someone as great as you was in my life.
Don't do it.
She eats $50 fish.
Thank you, honey.
That was sweet.
Mm.
And, listen, thank you, Kyle, for letting me down easy.
I'm glad we can still be friends.
Friends, yeah.
Right.
Hey, what do you say we go hit the town? Ooh, that sounds great.
Now either you can change, or we got to buy you a giant lollipop.
Oh, actually, I would like to change.
My underwear's crammed up my butt.
Well, nice job, my son.
You've just unloaded your first major headache.
Thanks, dad.
You're welcome, honey.
But I think I'm done with dating for a while.
Sure.
There's only one girl for me--mom.
You back off.
She's mine.
Sounds like a guy who's afraid of a little competition.
Hi, Jim.
Hi.
Ruby! It's time for your piano lesson.
You know, before they come down, can I just talk to you about the last check you wrote me? Sure.
It was $36 short.
Well, I charge for the equipment rental fee.
For your piano? You're welcome to bring your own.
But $9 a week? Yeah, $8 for the piano, $1 for the bench.
You're welcome to stand.
Hey, Ruby.
Hi, Mandy.
Hey, Ruby, have you been practicing? When I have enough money for the equipment rental.
Well, look on the bright side, honey, you're really getting good at playing standing up.
Kyle, we've talked about the staring before.
It really creeps daddy out.
Can I talk to you for a second? Well Your mom's gonna be home eventually.
It's pretty important.
More important than box scores? Yes.
Do you even know what box scores are? No.
All right, shoot.
Um Wait a second.
Not that one again.
Sounds like raccoons running over the keys.
Come on.
Let's go out on the patio where it's quiet.
Hey, Ruby! That sounds great! You must be sitting on that bench again! No, I'm not! Oh, all right.
What is it-- bad dreams, monster in the closet, cholesterol a little too high? I like a girl.
Yes! You like a girl? Come here.
Give me a hug.
Oh.
You said we aren't supposed to hug.
I know.
I know.
But now I don't have to worry about you.
Okay.
All right.
So tell me, who's the lucky girl? Is it that cute girl from school? Emily? No way.
Oh.
Uh, the little blonde from karate class? Julia? Gross.
Oh, I-I know who it is.
It's that dark-haired girl with the backpack and the monkey.
That's dora the explorer.
Right, right, right, right, right.
So come on, who is it? It's Mandy the piano teacher.
Hey, rub.
Oh, and you are? Uh, I'm Mandy.
I'm Ruby's piano teacher.
Okay, okay.
Good to meet you, Mandy.
Can I go spend the rest of my lesson texting my friends? That's what I'm gonna do.
Was that good? Hmm, I see you've been practicing at home.
Mm.
Mm.
Unh-unh.
Stop.
Stop it! Jim's coming! Jim's coming! Andy.
Shh! Shh! Shut up.
I hear his labored breathing.
Oh, false alarm.
It's just the furnace kicking in.
All right.
No, you know what? I do not want to keep this relationship a secret from Jim anymore.
Look, I told you.
We have to.
Now come on over to my place when you're done.
But don't use the front door.
Jim can see it from the window.
And park in back.
Wait.
That is ridiculous.
You know what, you're right.
Park three blocks away, jump the back fence, hide in the toolshed.
If he comes back for his hedge clippers, then jump in the compost bin.
Andy, I am tired of this.
We are both adults.
We're both single.
Yeah, but, Mandy, Jim will kill me if he finds out that I've been dating the kids' piano teacher without his permission.
It is forbidden.
You need his permission? I need Jim's permission to change the radio station in the car, my car when he's not there.
Oh.
No-- co--baby love.
I just--i just don't want Jim coming between us.
Oh.
Is that because you think I might be the one? Mandy, please, look at me.
Anyone who kisses back might be the one.
I think I hear Jim coming.
Aah! Well, Kyle, there's nothing wrong with having a crush on an older woman.
As a matter of fact, when I was young, I had a crush on my teacher.
What happened? Well, I asked her to go to the picnic.
She said, "no.
" And ten years later I met her daughter and got even with the old broad.
By taking her to a picnic? By taking her to a picnic.
So I should ask Mandy out? Sure.
Sure.
It--it--it's good for your confidence with women.
Go ahead.
Go for it.
Tell me how you're gonna do it.
Show me.
I was thinking I'd start with a knock-knock joke.
Oh, sweetie, that sounds great, a knock-knock joke.
Try it out on me.
Ding-dong.
Honey, that--that's not how it starts.
That's not how it starts, who? You're creeping me out staring at me like that.
I'm just starting to feel like I don't mean anything to you.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Mandy, you're my girl.
You're my world.
Mandy? You are the kids' piano teacher.
Well, it's--it's nice to finally meet you.
Sandy, is it? No, it's Mandy, and she's on my dime.
Oh, all right.
Uh, Kyle here would like to ask you something, Mandy.
Ding-dong.
Kyle.
I mean, Mandy, would you like to watch a movie with me tonight? Oh, how sweet.
Did you just ask me out on a date? Did you just ask me out on a date, who? Uh, Kyle, you did a fine job, very good, but, you know, Mandy may have a boyfriend or some other reason to let him down easy.
A boyfriend? No, I don't have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I'd love to go out with you, Kyle.
Yes! Yes.
What the hell? Yeah, what the hell? I mean, i-i-i don't care.
I'm just outraged on principle.
Well, it looks like you got yourself a date.
Sweet.
Uh, Kyle, why don't you go upstairs, and give us adults a few minutes to talk.
I'm gonna change into something more comfortable.
Oh, Kyle, you don't have to change what you're wearing to impress me.
Yeah, but my underwear's crammed up my butt.
Hey, Mandy, I think that was very nice of you to play along, but I was kind of hoping you'd let him down.
Oh, I'm sorry, but if I feel strongly for somebody, I just can't hide it.
Well, first of all, that is very inappropriate.
Second of all, where were you when I was a kid? Okay, Mandy, I see what you're doing here.
Oh, you learned my name, how nice of you.
You're just trying to make me jealous.
Make you jealous? What--i-i-i hardly know you.
Oh, you know you hmm.
You have known me for the last three minutes.
Wait a minute.
I know what's going on here.
Oh, god, you do? Yeah, you're damn right I do.
You've been sneaking over here getting piano lessons with Mandy on my dime! Uh, yep.
You're right.
Guilty.
Okay, okay, that's it.
Jim, Andy and I are dating.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's driving around changing radio stations without calling me, right.
Andy, tell him the truth so this is over.
Mandy and I have been dating for the last three weeks.
Without my permission?! That is forbidden! See? See? What'd I tell ya, huh? Let me guess what you're gonna say next, Jim, huh? "Oh, Andy, you're just gonna screw this up.
How many times do I have to tell ya, 'hands off the help'?" The help? What? Jim said it.
I didn't say it.
Andy, you know what? This whole thing is your fault.
How is it my fault? You're the one that let a 9 year old ask out a middle-aged woman.
Excuse me? Jim said it.
I didn't say it.
45 isn't middle-aged.
45? Andy said it.
Oh.
Man, this was a lot easier and less painful when it was a secret.
Jim, you have got to tell Kyle that this date is off.
Hell no.
You tell him.
Me? He's your son.
I'm not gonna tell him.
I just sat there and pumped him up and gave him the confidence to do it.
If I tell him to call it off, he'll never take advice about women from me again.
Well, that's not such a bad idea, Jim.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I've been taking your advice for years.
It's why I'm so desperate.
Hey! Oh! Now look, one of you two have to tell him.
Well, look, I am not gonna turn down the one man who is showing me some respect and attention.
Fine, I'll do it.
You and Andy, huh? Between you and me, Kyle is an upgrade.
Kyle! Can you come down here for a minute? Whoa.
Hey, spanky.
Where's alfalfa? These are my church clothes.
If they're good enough for Jesus, they're good enough for Mandy.
Have a seat, huh? We need to talk, bud.
I'm afraid I got some bad news.
Um Mandy and I have been dating for a while.
That is bad news.
You must be really jealous of me.
Uh, no.
No.
You see, Mandy just said she would go out with you to try and make me jealous.
And it worked.
No! No.
Uh, you're not getting it.
Um, all right, let me try and break it down for ya in words that you'd understand.
Knock-knock.
Who's there? Mandy's going out with.
Mandy's going out with, who? Mandy's going out with me, you little twerp.
Sounds like a guy who's afraid of a little competition.
Um Your dad's right.
You are creepy when you stare.
Did you set him straight? Do you know how insulting it is that you would have to ask if I set a tiny little munchkin straight? So the date's off? Well, here's the thing.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, come on, Andy.
What? He's a very stubborn kid with those zombie eyes.
Come on.
How am I supposed to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't have enough backbone to stand up to an 8 year old? Well, to be fair, Kyle's 9.
Andy, I think this is over.
What? Over? Man, I knew as soon as this relationship went public it'd all get screwed up! Thanks a lot, Jim! What? It's not really your fault, Jim.
You don't have to tell me.
That's always the first place I go.
It's my fault.
I was just so mad at Andy for being so spineless.
But I don't want Kyle to get hurt.
Well, I don't want him to get hurt either.
That's why you're gonna do the date with him.
What? What am I gonna do on a date with a 9 year old? Come on.
How can it be different than dating Andy? Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
And--and I'd have more room on the couch.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
You know what? You sit on a couch with him, you watch a movie, you make him feel good while I try to figure out some way to let him down without scarring him for the rest of his life.
Well, I guess I could do that.
And it's completely harmless, right? He's got my genes.
He may make a move.
Well, this is nice.
You know, it's a little creepy the way you're staring at me.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
You know, I'm a little confused by the movie, Kyle.
Magnesium man got his heart battery stolen by a bad guy.
Oh, so is he gonna die? No, but he does need to rest more often.
Ooh, here comes the bad guy.
Magnesium man, run to the outlet! Run to the outlet! Uh, Kyle, what are you doing? My mom always holds my hand during the scary parts.
Oh.
Okay.
Seriously, sweetie, it's creepy.
Daddy, when's dinner? Shh! I don't want to disturb Kyle's date with your piano teacher.
What? Kyle's dating Mandy? I wasn't allowed to date until I was 13.
I mean, I'm still not allowed to date.
Just settle down.
Kyle cannot date my piano teacher without my permission.
This is forbidden! Where did you get that attitude from? Look, she's not dating Kyle.
She's dating Andy.
That is also forbidden! I'm gonna go upstairs and call my boyfriend who I don't have.
Damn, these kids in this house are getting more action than me.
Hello.
Hey, dad.
How are you, my handsome man? You look so good.
So how's it going? Great.
She smells like strawberries.
Oh But she wants a snack.
Well, I thought about that.
I'm fixing it up right now.
Here you go.
Where are the candy and chips? Oh, Kyle.
You've got a lot more to learn about women than I thought.
You see, older women only eat salad, carrots and diet soda, because they're always watching their weight until the dessert cart comes around, and they ride on it like a trolley.
Seriously? Yeah, seriously.
And then they go home, call all their friends and cry.
Why do they cry? Beats me.
I mean, why do they always think it's cold? Why do they write thank-you notes? And what is their fascination with baskets? Baskets with napkins in 'em.
Baskets with fruit.
Baskets with silverware.
Everything in a frickin' basket! And you know what, Kyle? You know what's in this basket? More baskets! Maybe they just like baskets.
It's not good enough.
You think you're gonna go out and have a good time, and you end up in the basket store.
Man, dating sounds so boring.
Oh, it's not boring, 'cause you're sittin' on the edge of your seat wondering how much money you're gonna spend.
What do you mean? Well, your first date might be a DVD in the living room, but your second date you got to take 'em out to a nice restaurant.
Oh, right, for the salad.
Right.
With a little piece of fish on it that costs 50 bucks.
50 bucks? Mm-hmm.
I only get $1 for allowance.
Well, Kyle, you're gonna have to get a job.
Maybe the basket store is hiring.
Man, I just thought she smelled nice.
That's how they get ya.
Man, I wish there was an easier way.
Well, maybe there is.
You know what? I-i-i bet the date would be a lot cheaper if you took out a girl your age to, like, the park.
Or to laser tag.
Laser tag.
You know what, Kyle? I bet a little girl your age would love laser tag, especially with you.
Thanks, dad.
You're welcome, son.
And if you need any more tips about women, you just ask me.
Okay.
How do I get out of this stinkin' date with Mandy? Son, I think I can help you with that.
I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Of course not.
But I will, if I have to.
That's my boy.
Oh, hey, Kyle.
Are you ready to finish our date? Yeah, about that.
It's not you.
It's me.
Okay, I did not just hear that from a 9 year old.
You're a nice lady, but you're too old, and I'm not a big fan of the baskets.
Is this what you want? I can be a cute little boy.
Andy, just hang on one second.
No, Jim, I will not just hang on for one second! Mandy, I'm not perfect.
I make a lot of mistakes.
I'll probably always be scared of Jim.
That's true.
Fear is the basis of our relationship.
But I do care about you, and I really hope you'll take me back.
I-I was stupid not to let the whole world know that someone as great as you was in my life.
Don't do it.
She eats $50 fish.
Thank you, honey.
That was sweet.
Mm.
And, listen, thank you, Kyle, for letting me down easy.
I'm glad we can still be friends.
Friends, yeah.
Right.
Hey, what do you say we go hit the town? Ooh, that sounds great.
Now either you can change, or we got to buy you a giant lollipop.
Oh, actually, I would like to change.
My underwear's crammed up my butt.
Well, nice job, my son.
You've just unloaded your first major headache.
Thanks, dad.
You're welcome, honey.
But I think I'm done with dating for a while.
Sure.
There's only one girl for me--mom.
You back off.
She's mine.
Sounds like a guy who's afraid of a little competition.