According To Jim s08e15 Episode Script
King of the Nerds
1 ANDY, IS THERE ANYTHING I LOVE MORE THAN A SANDWICH? YOUR KIDS.
ONLY IF THEY'RE MAKING ME A SANDWICH.
OH, CRAP.
THIS BREAD'S MOLDY.
FREEZE! ANDY, I MAY BE CRAZY, BUT IS THAT (gasps) THE FACE OF WALTER PAYTON! IT'S THE FACE OF WALTER PAYTON! WALTER PAYTON! I-I'LL GE THE SACRED TUPPERWARE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, JIM, TWO YEARS AGO, WE FOUND A MOLDY PIECE OF BREAD WITH THE FACE OF MIKE DITKA.
YES, AND LAST YEAR WE FOUND THIS PIECE OF CHEESE WITH THE FACE OF JIM McMAHON.
AND THEN THE HOLY BOLOGNA YES.
WITH THE FACE OF MIKE SINGLETARY.
(laughs) AND NOW WITH PAYTON ON THIS PIECE OF BREAD WE CAN BUILD THE SANDWICH OF THE '85 BEARS.
(loud rumbling) (thunder crashes) HELLO, BOYS.
(gasps) WILLIAM "THE--THE-- THE REFRIGERATOR" PERRY? OH, MY GOD.
I'M HERE TO EAT YOUR BABIES.
UH OH, JUST KIDDING.
I'M HERE TO GRANT YOU ONE WISH.
AND NOTHING TOO FREAKY DEAKY.
JIM, I-I-I KNOW IT'S YOUR SANDWICH AND YOUR WISH RIGHT.
BUT JUST ONCE, I'D LOVE TO FI IN A PAIR OF HIP HUGGER JEANS.
(grunts) I WISH FOR A THOUSAND MORE WISHES! DANG.
YOU BEAT THE SYSTEM.
YES! DON'T GO SPREADING THA AROUND.
OH, YOU--YOU--YOU DID A THOUSAND WISHES.
A THOUSAND WISHES! GO, JIM, GO, JIM GO, JIM, GO, JIM JIM, JIM JIM, JIM JIM, JIM, JIM, JIM, JIM.
HUH? HUH? JIM, JIM, JIM.
HUH? WHAT? HEY.
THE KIDS ARE AT THE NEIGHBORS', AND THE TWINS ARE ASLEEP.
WANNA MAKE A JIM AND CHERYL SANDWICH? I DO INDEED.
HEY, NOTHING TOO FREAKY DEAKY.
HEY.
HEY.
ALMOST DONE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK SOME ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IS MISSING THEIR TETHERBALL POLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY DIDN' MISS THEIR TIRE SWING.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA MISS THIS.
THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN, CAN I GO FIRST? OH, I'M SORRY, GIRLS.
THIS ISN'T FOR YOU.
THIS IS FOR KYLE BECAUSE HE GO A "B" ON HIS LAST REPORT CARD.
WHAT? I GOT STRAIGHT A's, AND I DON'T EVEN GE A PAT ON THE BACK.
GRACIE, GIVE YOUR SISTER A PAT ON THE BACK.
GOOD JOB, BOOKWORM.
NOW GO GET THE YOUNG SCHOLAR AND TELL HIM TO COME OUT HERE.
AH.
OKAY, SO WHY TETHERBALL? WELL, I FIGURED IT WAS THE ONLY SPOR WHERE EVEN HE COULDN'T LOSE THE BALL.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, I-I JUST DON'T THINK HE'S MUCH OF A SPORTS FAN.
THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S SO FOCUSED ON HIS STUDIES.
JIM, THE "B" WE'RE HONORING HIM FOR WAS IN ATTENDANCE.
HE DIDN'T MISS ANY DAYS, AND HE GOT A "B.
" WELL, I'M SORRY, CHERYL, BUT THE POINT IS, HE'S GONNA BE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS, AND HE'S GONNA WANNA PLAY WITH ME.
HEY! THERE YOU ARE, MY SCHOLAR, MY BRIGHT YOUNG BOY.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
COOL.
A FLAGPOLE AND A BALL.
THANKS.
NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS TETHERBALL.
IT'S A GAME.
WHAT'S THE FLAGPOLE DO? WELL, IT--IT--IT HOLDS THE BALL.
WHERE'S THE FLAG? A "B" IN ATTENDANCE.
WELL, THERE'S NO FLAGPOLE.
YOU SEE, I HIT THE BALL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POLE TO YOU.
WHERE IT HITS MY FACE? NO, YOU HIT IT BACK TO ME.
WITH MY FACE? LISTEN, YOUNG MAN, I-I-I-I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN HIT IN THE FACE WITH A BASKETBALL AND A BASEBALL AND A GOLF BALL A BOWLING BALL.
BOWLING BALL.
BUT THIS IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
THIS IS GONNA BE REALLY FUN.
YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME? DO I HAVE TO? (Andy in distance) KYLE! PRESENT! THAT'S REALLY GOOD, SON.
YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO A "B"-PLUS NEXT YEAR IN SCHOOL.
SWEETHEART, YOUR UNCLE ANDY'S CALLING YOU.
(groans) NICE TRY.
NO, NO.
HE LIKED IT.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW GUYS ARE.
HE JUST DIDN'T GET ALL EXCITED ABOUT IT.
THAT'S ALL.
(Kyle) I'M SO EXCITED! THANKS, UNCLE ANDY.
OH, MY GOSH.
THIS IS THE COOLES THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
I KNOW, RIGHT? (laughs) YOU'RE WELCOME, KYLE.
I LOVE MAGNESIUM MAN.
WHO'S MILK OF MAGNESIA MAN? IT'S MAGNESIUM MAN, AND HE'S THE COOLEST SUPERHERO IN THE WORLD.
OH, ANDY, THAT'S SO SWEET.
WELL, IT'S NOT EVERY DAY A MAN ON JIM'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY GETS A "B.
" A LOT OF 'EM CAN'T EVEN SPELL "B.
" VERY FUNNY.
COME ON.
LET'S GO, UH, PLAY SOME TETHERBALL.
DO YOU HAVE MORE SUPERHEROES AT YOUR HOUSE? I EVEN HAVE A LIFE-SIZE LIMITED EDITION MAGNESIUM MAN SUPER SECRE SPACE CENTER.
WITH THE SWIVEL CHAIR AND THE WORKING OTTOMAN? WHAT?! (Kyle and Andy) SHINIER THAN STEEL.
LESS FLEXIBLE THAN GOLD.
MAG-MAG-MAGNESIUM! WOW.
(front door shuts) I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M ALL ALONE.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
OH.
WELL, THEN DO YOU MIND TAKING A WALK? SHINIER THAN STEEL.
MAG-MAG-MAGNESIUM! OW! STUPID GAME! (grunts) ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT'S WRONG? I'VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR AN HOUR, AND NOW YOU COME OU AND ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG? OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.
WHAT'S WRONG? WELL, NOW YOU'RE ASKING ME BECAUSE I ASKED YOU TO ASK ME.
HONEY, I REALLY, SINCERELY WANT TO KNOW.
WHAT'S WRONG? I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU'RE UPSE 'CAUSE KYLE WANTS TO PLAY WITH ANDY INSTEAD OF YOU? WHAT'S WITH THE THIRD DEGREE ALL OF A SUDDEN? CAN'T A MAN JUST PLAY TETHERBALL BY HIMSELF? FINE.
DO YOU WANT A BEER? WILL BEER COME OUT HERE AND PLAY WITH THE OLD MAN? NO, BUT IT'LL HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS AFTERNOON.
(laughs) HEY, THERE'S MY SON.
HELLO, CITIZEN.
HELLO.
YOU--YOU COME HERE TO KNOCK THE BALL AROUND WITH YOUR DAD? UH, NO.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR? I NEED TO GET SOME TINFOIL FOR MY COSTUME.
ME AND UNCLE ANDY ARE MAKING A BERYLLIUM BOY SUIT.
WHO IS BERYLLIUM BOY? HE'S MAGNESIUM MAN'S TRUSTY SIDEKICK.
HE'S GOT AWESOME POWERS.
LIKE WHAT? HE CAN SENSE THE TEMPERATURE OF ANYTHING JUST BY TOUCHING IT.
BE-BE-BERYLLIUM! BE-BE-BERYLLIUM.
HUH! HEY.
JIM.
HEY.
OW! IS THAT A TETHERBALL? WOW.
THAT REALLY TAKES ME BACK TO GRADE SCHOOL.
YOU USED TO PLAY? NO, NO, BUT THE COOL KIDS USED TO TIE ME UP TO THE POLE.
HEY, SPEAKING OF WHICH, DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE KYLE TO SCI-CON TOMORROW? OH, COME ON, ANDY.
YOU WANT TO TAKE AN 8-YEAR-OLD BOY TO VIETNAM? NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT SAIGON, SCI-CON.
IT'S A SCIENCE FICTION ENTHUSIAST CONVENTION.
YOU KNOW, ANDY, NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF IF I ALLOWED KYLE TO GROW UP TO BE YOU.
THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS.
HOW--HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME? OH, NO.
IT'S OKAY.
I SAID, "NOTHING PERSONAL.
" WELL, IT FELT PERSONAL.
WELL, I DON'T MEAN YOU.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE LIKE YOU, YOUR KIND.
I SWEAR TO GOD, JIM.
DO NOT DO IT.
DO NOT DROP THE "N" BOMB.
N-N-N-NERD! GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
IS THAT STILL WHERE WE ARE IN THIS COUNTRY? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? OKAY, THE PREFERRED NOMENCLATURE IS "SCIENCE FICTION AMERICAN.
" HOW WOULD YOU SAY THA IN KLINGON? NAG BAT KARLAM.
NERD! AND I DON'T WANT MY SON CATCHING IT FROM YOU.
YOU CAN'T CATCH NERD, JIM.
OH, YOU CAN SAY IT NOW.
OH, YEAH, 'CAUSE WHEN WE SAY IT TO EACH OTHER, IT'S A TERM OF ENDEARMENT.
OH.
IT'S CONFUSING TO THE REST OF US, ANDY, YOU KNOW, GUYS WITH WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS.
DON'T HATE THE NERD.
HATE THE GAME.
AH, GET OUTTA HERE.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, JIM, OKAY? KYLE WAS BORN A NERD, HE'LL GROW UP TO BE A NERD MM-HMM.
AND WHEN HE DIES, THEY'LL SCATTER HIS NERD ASHES THROUGHOU THE MOORADIAN SYSTEM.
I AM THE BOY'S FATHER.
I WILL DECIDE WHERE AND WHEN HIS ASHES WILL BE SCATTERED.
WELL, I'M HIS UNCLE, AND HE'D RATHER BE WITH ME THAN HIS DOPEY, PIGHEADED, NERD-O-PHOBIC DAD! OH! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOUR DAD WOULD RATHER WALK IN FRONT OF A BUS THAN BE WITH YOU! SAYS THE MAN WHOSE DAD LEFT HIM WHEN HE WAS 5! ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I AM GONNA WALK AWAY BEFORE ONE OF US SAYS SOMETHING HURTFUL.
(click) (man) AND NOW BACK TO "STAR TREK.
" (click) (man) OUR "STAR TREK-- THE NEXT GENERATION" MARATHON CONTINUES.
(click) (man) UP NEX ON "BBQ WITH BOBBY FLAY" OOH.
BOBBY GRILLS A KANSAS CITY BONE-IN RIB EYE AH.
WITH "STAR TREK'S" GEORGE TAKEI.
(click) JIM, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY KYLE'S UPSTAIRS IN HIS BED CRYING AND WRAPPED IN TINFOIL? YES.
HE'S A SAD NERD.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, NERDS ARE COOL NOW.
THOSE GUYS THAT INVENTED GOOGLE ARE BILLIONAIRES.
YEAH, BUT HAVE THEY EVER KISSED A GIRL? I'D KISS 'EM.
WHAT? I MEAN, IF I WASN' MARRIED TO YOU.
WELL, BELIEVE ME, IF YOU CAN FIND A BILLIONAIRE TO KISS, PUCKER UP AND SEND ME THE ALIMONY CHECK.
OH, HONEY, I'LL HAVE ALL SORTS OF EXPENSIVE NERD LAWYERS.
YOU WON'T SEE A DIME.
VERY FUNNY.
WHAT'S WRONG? I DON'T KNOW.
I'M JUST MAD AT ANDY FOR TURNING MY BOY INTO A NERD.
OKAY, JIM.
(sighs) ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE MAD AT ANDY AND THERE'S NO SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON? OH, COME ON, CHERYL.
YOU KNOW ME.
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON.
WHAT IS IT? I SERIOUSLY THINK THE BOY DOESN'T LIKE ME.
OH, JIM, THAT'S SILLY.
NO, HE DOESN'T! HE DOESN'T LIKE ME AT ALL.
HE DOESN'T WAN TO DO ANYTHING WITH ME.
OH, COME ON.
HE LOVES YOU.
OF COURSE HE LOVES ME.
I'M HIS FATHER.
I'M HIS FATHER.
BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
(sighs) OKAY.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU AND KYLE WOULD BE CLOSER IF YOU DID SOME THINGS TOGETHER? YEAH, BUT HE DOESN'T WAN TO DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO.
SO YOU THINK HE SHOULD SMOKE CIGARS, DRINK BEER AND BET ON HORSES? CHERYL, HE'S 8.
MAYBE IN TWO YEARS.
MAYBE YOU CAN DO SOME OF THE THINGS THAT HE LIKES TO DO.
OH, COME ON.
ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS SIT AROUND AND WATCH CARTOONS.
YOU LOVE CARTOONS.
I KNOW, BUT HE NEVER LETS ME PICK.
YES, SOMETIMES HE CAN BE SO CHILDLIKE.
EXACTLY.
I'M THE ADULT.
HE SHOULD BE DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO.
OKAY, HONEY, WHEN THE GIRLS WERE LITTLE, DID YOU WANT TO PLAY TEA PARTY WITH THEM? WELL, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
BUT YOU DID.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS.
THEY'RE NEVER GONNA WAN TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
I MEAN, THEY WERE A LOST CAUSE FROM THE BEGINNING.
YOU PLAYED TEA PARTY BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE CLOSE TO THEM.
DO THE SAME WITH KYLE.
I WILL NOT PLAY TEA PARTY WITH KYLE.
THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN A NERD IS A NERD IN A BONNET.
JIM, KYLE IS DYING TO GO TO THE SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HIM, THEN? I DON'T HAVE TO.
HE LIKES ME.
(scoffs) (laughs) OH, HONEY, COME ON.
GO.
YOU'LL HAVE FUN TOGETHER, AND MAYBE NEXT TIME HE'LL WANT TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
YOU THINK SO? I DO.
(clicks tongue) ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU GOTTA DRIVE.
WHY ME? WELL, IT'S ONLY A NERD CONVENTION IF MOMMY DROPS YOU OFF.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS GUY HERE.
HE LOOKS PRETTY COOL.
THAT'S JEFFREY.
HE'S FOR LOSERS, DAD.
WELL, ISN'T THIS ALL KIND OF FOR LOSERS? HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE BABES? THE LITHIUM LADIES? YEAH.
THEIR COMIC BOOK IS RATED INAPPROPRIATE FOR MY AGE.
WELL, MOM'S NOT HERE.
LET'S CHECK IT OUT.
DAD? YEAH.
YOU'RE KIND OF EMBARRASSING ME.
WHAT? YOU GOT A GIANT BLUEBERRY WITH THREE EYES, AND I'M EMBARRASSING YOU? COME ON.
THAT'S COMMODORE CYCLOPS.
GUESS WHO HE HATES.
I DON'T KNOW.
HIS PARENTS? GIRLS? TAKING SHOWERS AT SCHOOL? WEDGIES? I CAN GO ON FOR QUITE A WHILE, NOW.
HE HATES MAGNESIUM MAN.
OH! MAG-MAG-MAGNESIUM MAN.
HARK! IT IS MY FAITHFUL COMPANION, BERYLLIUM BOY.
WHAT ARE YOU, A SPACE SUPPOSITORY? OUR INSULTS MEAN NOTHING TO ME, BECAUSE I AM MAGNESIUM MAN! MAGNESIUM MAN! OH.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY, DAD.
I CAN JUST HANG OU WITH UNCLE ANDY.
I WILL MEET YOU IN THE FORTRESS OF REFLECTITUDE.
HUH? IT'S NEX TO THE LOST AND FOUND.
(British accent) HE HAS RETURNED TO THE UNCLE, JUST AS THE ORACLE PREDICTED.
(nerdy voice) OH, AND WHA THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? LO, IT WAS FORETOLD MILLENNIA AGO THAT IN THE AGE OF ANDY WOULD ARISE A HERO WHO WOULD ALSO BE ANDY, AND HE WOULD REAP VENGEANCE UPON (whiny voice) JIM.
KNOCK IT OFF.
HA HA HA! YOUR SON THINKS THA THIS SCIENCE FICTION AMERICAN IS COOLER THAN HIS DAD.
(laughs) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? HAVE HIM HOME BY 5:00.
WHOA, WHAT? NO, WAIT, WAIT.
NO, NO.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO INSULT ME HERE.
WE'RE FIGHTING, AND--AND I'M WINNING.
LOOK, I-I-I SHOULD'VE NEVER SAID THOSE THINGS TO YOU.
I SHOULD'VE NEVER CALLED YOU A NERD, ANDY.
(all gasp) UH, NO.
BIRD, BIRD! HE CALLED ME A BIRD.
NO, I DIDN'T.
I CALLED HIM A NERD.
ANY OF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? LOOK, ANDY, I I WAS MAD BECAUSE, HONESTLY, KYLE'S JUST NOT INTO ME, EVEN WHEN I DO THINGS THAT HE WANTS TO DO.
ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE? (clears throat) IRRELEVANT.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE USED TO THINK OF ME AS HIS HERO.
A FEW YEARS AGO, HE USED TO LOOK AT ME LIKE I WAS THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME.
JIM, JIM, WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WANT TO BE A HERO? YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
COME ON.
WELL, BERYLLIUM BOY, WE HAVE VANQUISHED ALL THE EVIL IN THE WORLD.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A CHURRO.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MAGNESIUM MAN.
WHOA.
DAD, IS THAT YOU? NO.
I AM COMMODORE CYCLOPS.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF THIS PART OF THE GALAXY.
(all gasp and murmur) YOU METALLIC MORON.
EYE WILL DESTROY YOU! OH, NO, YOU WON'T.
(Andy and Jim grunting) (coughs) (clears throat) AAH! (grunts) (grunts) HA! HA! (laughs) OH! OH! OH! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD A CODPIECE.
(falsetto voice) IT WAS JUST FOR SHOW.
AAH! MY EYE! (normal voice) WHERE MY WEAPON AT? HA! HA HA! WH-WH-WHAT IS--A LASSO? WHAT IS THIS, A WESTERN? AHA! YES! (crowd cheers) BERIUM BOY-- (whispers) BERYLLIUM.
BERYLLIUM BOY HELP ME.
WHAT ARE MY SPECIAL POWERS? DON'T TELL HIM, MY COLANDER-CAPPED COLLEAGUE.
YOU'RE ON MY SIDE, REMEMBER? KYLE I AM YOUR FATHER.
JOIN ME, AND WE WILL STOP FOR ICE CREAM ON THE WAY HOME.
WHAT ARE MY POWERS? HOW CAN I DESTROY HIM? YOU COULD USE YOUR GUN.
GUN? I HAVE A GUN? I HAVE A GUN! (clicking) YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE SOUND EFFECTS.
OH, FOR CRAP'S SAKE, WHAT'S THE SOUND EFFECT? (all imitating laser sounds) I GET IT! BOOP.
BOOP.
BOOP.
BOOP.
THAT'S JUST "STUN.
" YOU GOTTA TURN IT TO "KILL.
" (growls) OW! AAH! AAH! MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I DIDN'T GET THAT CHURRO.
(all groan) THAT WAS AWESOME, DAD.
I WANT TO GO BUY A COMMODORE CYCLOPS DOLL.
ACTION FIGURE, HONEY.
ACTION FIGURE.
RIGHT.
(groans) COME ON.
I-I CAN'T GET UP.
MUST BE THE GRAVITY'S DIFFEREN THAN ON MY HOME PLANET.
YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT.
IT'S THE GRAVITY.
(grunts) OW.
THANK YOU.
(grunts) WELL, THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
THANKS FOR MAKING ME LOOK GOOD IN FRONT OF THE BOY.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
TAKE A HIKE, WOULD YA? I'M GETTING THE EYE FROM THA LITTLE SPACE HOTTIE OVER THERE.
ARE YOU TELLING ME GIRLS LIKE THAT GO AFTER NERDS LIKE YOU? JIM, I GET MORE TAIL THAN A TRIBBLE DURING MATING SEASON.
(playing blues) HI, KYLE.
HI, DAD.
THANKS FOR TAKING ME TODAY.
IT WAS REALLY COOL.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
I HAD FUN, TOO.
ME, TOO.
YOU WANT TO PLAY SOME TETHERBALL? NO.
OH.
OKAY.
FINE.
(chuckles) (resumes playing blues) (playing high-pitched notes) IT DOESN'T SOUND AS GOOD WHENEVER I DO IT.
WELL, SON, YOU'RE HOLDING IT WRONG.
CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW? I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO.
COME HERE.
SIT DOWN.
NOW PUT YOUR HAND LIKE A "C," OKAY? THAT'S IT.
OKAY, NOW MAKE YOUR OTHER HAND LIKE A CUP.
PUT IT BEHIND AND CLOSE IT OFF.
SEE THAT? ALL RIGHT, NOW BLOW REAL HARD, THEN SUCK REAL HARD.
READY? (both playing harmonious notes)
ONLY IF THEY'RE MAKING ME A SANDWICH.
OH, CRAP.
THIS BREAD'S MOLDY.
FREEZE! ANDY, I MAY BE CRAZY, BUT IS THAT (gasps) THE FACE OF WALTER PAYTON! IT'S THE FACE OF WALTER PAYTON! WALTER PAYTON! I-I'LL GE THE SACRED TUPPERWARE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, JIM, TWO YEARS AGO, WE FOUND A MOLDY PIECE OF BREAD WITH THE FACE OF MIKE DITKA.
YES, AND LAST YEAR WE FOUND THIS PIECE OF CHEESE WITH THE FACE OF JIM McMAHON.
AND THEN THE HOLY BOLOGNA YES.
WITH THE FACE OF MIKE SINGLETARY.
(laughs) AND NOW WITH PAYTON ON THIS PIECE OF BREAD WE CAN BUILD THE SANDWICH OF THE '85 BEARS.
(loud rumbling) (thunder crashes) HELLO, BOYS.
(gasps) WILLIAM "THE--THE-- THE REFRIGERATOR" PERRY? OH, MY GOD.
I'M HERE TO EAT YOUR BABIES.
UH OH, JUST KIDDING.
I'M HERE TO GRANT YOU ONE WISH.
AND NOTHING TOO FREAKY DEAKY.
JIM, I-I-I KNOW IT'S YOUR SANDWICH AND YOUR WISH RIGHT.
BUT JUST ONCE, I'D LOVE TO FI IN A PAIR OF HIP HUGGER JEANS.
(grunts) I WISH FOR A THOUSAND MORE WISHES! DANG.
YOU BEAT THE SYSTEM.
YES! DON'T GO SPREADING THA AROUND.
OH, YOU--YOU--YOU DID A THOUSAND WISHES.
A THOUSAND WISHES! GO, JIM, GO, JIM GO, JIM, GO, JIM JIM, JIM JIM, JIM JIM, JIM, JIM, JIM, JIM.
HUH? HUH? JIM, JIM, JIM.
HUH? WHAT? HEY.
THE KIDS ARE AT THE NEIGHBORS', AND THE TWINS ARE ASLEEP.
WANNA MAKE A JIM AND CHERYL SANDWICH? I DO INDEED.
HEY, NOTHING TOO FREAKY DEAKY.
HEY.
HEY.
ALMOST DONE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK SOME ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IS MISSING THEIR TETHERBALL POLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY DIDN' MISS THEIR TIRE SWING.
THEY'RE NOT GONNA MISS THIS.
THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN, CAN I GO FIRST? OH, I'M SORRY, GIRLS.
THIS ISN'T FOR YOU.
THIS IS FOR KYLE BECAUSE HE GO A "B" ON HIS LAST REPORT CARD.
WHAT? I GOT STRAIGHT A's, AND I DON'T EVEN GE A PAT ON THE BACK.
GRACIE, GIVE YOUR SISTER A PAT ON THE BACK.
GOOD JOB, BOOKWORM.
NOW GO GET THE YOUNG SCHOLAR AND TELL HIM TO COME OUT HERE.
AH.
OKAY, SO WHY TETHERBALL? WELL, I FIGURED IT WAS THE ONLY SPOR WHERE EVEN HE COULDN'T LOSE THE BALL.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, I-I JUST DON'T THINK HE'S MUCH OF A SPORTS FAN.
THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S SO FOCUSED ON HIS STUDIES.
JIM, THE "B" WE'RE HONORING HIM FOR WAS IN ATTENDANCE.
HE DIDN'T MISS ANY DAYS, AND HE GOT A "B.
" WELL, I'M SORRY, CHERYL, BUT THE POINT IS, HE'S GONNA BE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS, AND HE'S GONNA WANNA PLAY WITH ME.
HEY! THERE YOU ARE, MY SCHOLAR, MY BRIGHT YOUNG BOY.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
COOL.
A FLAGPOLE AND A BALL.
THANKS.
NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS TETHERBALL.
IT'S A GAME.
WHAT'S THE FLAGPOLE DO? WELL, IT--IT--IT HOLDS THE BALL.
WHERE'S THE FLAG? A "B" IN ATTENDANCE.
WELL, THERE'S NO FLAGPOLE.
YOU SEE, I HIT THE BALL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POLE TO YOU.
WHERE IT HITS MY FACE? NO, YOU HIT IT BACK TO ME.
WITH MY FACE? LISTEN, YOUNG MAN, I-I-I-I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN HIT IN THE FACE WITH A BASKETBALL AND A BASEBALL AND A GOLF BALL A BOWLING BALL.
BOWLING BALL.
BUT THIS IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
THIS IS GONNA BE REALLY FUN.
YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME? DO I HAVE TO? (Andy in distance) KYLE! PRESENT! THAT'S REALLY GOOD, SON.
YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO A "B"-PLUS NEXT YEAR IN SCHOOL.
SWEETHEART, YOUR UNCLE ANDY'S CALLING YOU.
(groans) NICE TRY.
NO, NO.
HE LIKED IT.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW GUYS ARE.
HE JUST DIDN'T GET ALL EXCITED ABOUT IT.
THAT'S ALL.
(Kyle) I'M SO EXCITED! THANKS, UNCLE ANDY.
OH, MY GOSH.
THIS IS THE COOLES THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
I KNOW, RIGHT? (laughs) YOU'RE WELCOME, KYLE.
I LOVE MAGNESIUM MAN.
WHO'S MILK OF MAGNESIA MAN? IT'S MAGNESIUM MAN, AND HE'S THE COOLEST SUPERHERO IN THE WORLD.
OH, ANDY, THAT'S SO SWEET.
WELL, IT'S NOT EVERY DAY A MAN ON JIM'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY GETS A "B.
" A LOT OF 'EM CAN'T EVEN SPELL "B.
" VERY FUNNY.
COME ON.
LET'S GO, UH, PLAY SOME TETHERBALL.
DO YOU HAVE MORE SUPERHEROES AT YOUR HOUSE? I EVEN HAVE A LIFE-SIZE LIMITED EDITION MAGNESIUM MAN SUPER SECRE SPACE CENTER.
WITH THE SWIVEL CHAIR AND THE WORKING OTTOMAN? WHAT?! (Kyle and Andy) SHINIER THAN STEEL.
LESS FLEXIBLE THAN GOLD.
MAG-MAG-MAGNESIUM! WOW.
(front door shuts) I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M ALL ALONE.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
OH.
WELL, THEN DO YOU MIND TAKING A WALK? SHINIER THAN STEEL.
MAG-MAG-MAGNESIUM! OW! STUPID GAME! (grunts) ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT'S WRONG? I'VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR AN HOUR, AND NOW YOU COME OU AND ASK ME WHAT'S WRONG? OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.
WHAT'S WRONG? WELL, NOW YOU'RE ASKING ME BECAUSE I ASKED YOU TO ASK ME.
HONEY, I REALLY, SINCERELY WANT TO KNOW.
WHAT'S WRONG? I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU'RE UPSE 'CAUSE KYLE WANTS TO PLAY WITH ANDY INSTEAD OF YOU? WHAT'S WITH THE THIRD DEGREE ALL OF A SUDDEN? CAN'T A MAN JUST PLAY TETHERBALL BY HIMSELF? FINE.
DO YOU WANT A BEER? WILL BEER COME OUT HERE AND PLAY WITH THE OLD MAN? NO, BUT IT'LL HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS AFTERNOON.
(laughs) HEY, THERE'S MY SON.
HELLO, CITIZEN.
HELLO.
YOU--YOU COME HERE TO KNOCK THE BALL AROUND WITH YOUR DAD? UH, NO.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR? I NEED TO GET SOME TINFOIL FOR MY COSTUME.
ME AND UNCLE ANDY ARE MAKING A BERYLLIUM BOY SUIT.
WHO IS BERYLLIUM BOY? HE'S MAGNESIUM MAN'S TRUSTY SIDEKICK.
HE'S GOT AWESOME POWERS.
LIKE WHAT? HE CAN SENSE THE TEMPERATURE OF ANYTHING JUST BY TOUCHING IT.
BE-BE-BERYLLIUM! BE-BE-BERYLLIUM.
HUH! HEY.
JIM.
HEY.
OW! IS THAT A TETHERBALL? WOW.
THAT REALLY TAKES ME BACK TO GRADE SCHOOL.
YOU USED TO PLAY? NO, NO, BUT THE COOL KIDS USED TO TIE ME UP TO THE POLE.
HEY, SPEAKING OF WHICH, DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE KYLE TO SCI-CON TOMORROW? OH, COME ON, ANDY.
YOU WANT TO TAKE AN 8-YEAR-OLD BOY TO VIETNAM? NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT SAIGON, SCI-CON.
IT'S A SCIENCE FICTION ENTHUSIAST CONVENTION.
YOU KNOW, ANDY, NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF IF I ALLOWED KYLE TO GROW UP TO BE YOU.
THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS.
HOW--HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME? OH, NO.
IT'S OKAY.
I SAID, "NOTHING PERSONAL.
" WELL, IT FELT PERSONAL.
WELL, I DON'T MEAN YOU.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE LIKE YOU, YOUR KIND.
I SWEAR TO GOD, JIM.
DO NOT DO IT.
DO NOT DROP THE "N" BOMB.
N-N-N-NERD! GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
IS THAT STILL WHERE WE ARE IN THIS COUNTRY? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? OKAY, THE PREFERRED NOMENCLATURE IS "SCIENCE FICTION AMERICAN.
" HOW WOULD YOU SAY THA IN KLINGON? NAG BAT KARLAM.
NERD! AND I DON'T WANT MY SON CATCHING IT FROM YOU.
YOU CAN'T CATCH NERD, JIM.
OH, YOU CAN SAY IT NOW.
OH, YEAH, 'CAUSE WHEN WE SAY IT TO EACH OTHER, IT'S A TERM OF ENDEARMENT.
OH.
IT'S CONFUSING TO THE REST OF US, ANDY, YOU KNOW, GUYS WITH WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS.
DON'T HATE THE NERD.
HATE THE GAME.
AH, GET OUTTA HERE.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, JIM, OKAY? KYLE WAS BORN A NERD, HE'LL GROW UP TO BE A NERD MM-HMM.
AND WHEN HE DIES, THEY'LL SCATTER HIS NERD ASHES THROUGHOU THE MOORADIAN SYSTEM.
I AM THE BOY'S FATHER.
I WILL DECIDE WHERE AND WHEN HIS ASHES WILL BE SCATTERED.
WELL, I'M HIS UNCLE, AND HE'D RATHER BE WITH ME THAN HIS DOPEY, PIGHEADED, NERD-O-PHOBIC DAD! OH! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOUR DAD WOULD RATHER WALK IN FRONT OF A BUS THAN BE WITH YOU! SAYS THE MAN WHOSE DAD LEFT HIM WHEN HE WAS 5! ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I AM GONNA WALK AWAY BEFORE ONE OF US SAYS SOMETHING HURTFUL.
(click) (man) AND NOW BACK TO "STAR TREK.
" (click) (man) OUR "STAR TREK-- THE NEXT GENERATION" MARATHON CONTINUES.
(click) (man) UP NEX ON "BBQ WITH BOBBY FLAY" OOH.
BOBBY GRILLS A KANSAS CITY BONE-IN RIB EYE AH.
WITH "STAR TREK'S" GEORGE TAKEI.
(click) JIM, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHY KYLE'S UPSTAIRS IN HIS BED CRYING AND WRAPPED IN TINFOIL? YES.
HE'S A SAD NERD.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, NERDS ARE COOL NOW.
THOSE GUYS THAT INVENTED GOOGLE ARE BILLIONAIRES.
YEAH, BUT HAVE THEY EVER KISSED A GIRL? I'D KISS 'EM.
WHAT? I MEAN, IF I WASN' MARRIED TO YOU.
WELL, BELIEVE ME, IF YOU CAN FIND A BILLIONAIRE TO KISS, PUCKER UP AND SEND ME THE ALIMONY CHECK.
OH, HONEY, I'LL HAVE ALL SORTS OF EXPENSIVE NERD LAWYERS.
YOU WON'T SEE A DIME.
VERY FUNNY.
WHAT'S WRONG? I DON'T KNOW.
I'M JUST MAD AT ANDY FOR TURNING MY BOY INTO A NERD.
OKAY, JIM.
(sighs) ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE MAD AT ANDY AND THERE'S NO SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON? OH, COME ON, CHERYL.
YOU KNOW ME.
THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON.
WHAT IS IT? I SERIOUSLY THINK THE BOY DOESN'T LIKE ME.
OH, JIM, THAT'S SILLY.
NO, HE DOESN'T! HE DOESN'T LIKE ME AT ALL.
HE DOESN'T WAN TO DO ANYTHING WITH ME.
OH, COME ON.
HE LOVES YOU.
OF COURSE HE LOVES ME.
I'M HIS FATHER.
I'M HIS FATHER.
BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
(sighs) OKAY.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU AND KYLE WOULD BE CLOSER IF YOU DID SOME THINGS TOGETHER? YEAH, BUT HE DOESN'T WAN TO DO ANYTHING I WANT TO DO.
SO YOU THINK HE SHOULD SMOKE CIGARS, DRINK BEER AND BET ON HORSES? CHERYL, HE'S 8.
MAYBE IN TWO YEARS.
MAYBE YOU CAN DO SOME OF THE THINGS THAT HE LIKES TO DO.
OH, COME ON.
ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS SIT AROUND AND WATCH CARTOONS.
YOU LOVE CARTOONS.
I KNOW, BUT HE NEVER LETS ME PICK.
YES, SOMETIMES HE CAN BE SO CHILDLIKE.
EXACTLY.
I'M THE ADULT.
HE SHOULD BE DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO.
OKAY, HONEY, WHEN THE GIRLS WERE LITTLE, DID YOU WANT TO PLAY TEA PARTY WITH THEM? WELL, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
BUT YOU DID.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS.
THEY'RE NEVER GONNA WAN TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO.
I MEAN, THEY WERE A LOST CAUSE FROM THE BEGINNING.
YOU PLAYED TEA PARTY BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE CLOSE TO THEM.
DO THE SAME WITH KYLE.
I WILL NOT PLAY TEA PARTY WITH KYLE.
THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN A NERD IS A NERD IN A BONNET.
JIM, KYLE IS DYING TO GO TO THE SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HIM, THEN? I DON'T HAVE TO.
HE LIKES ME.
(scoffs) (laughs) OH, HONEY, COME ON.
GO.
YOU'LL HAVE FUN TOGETHER, AND MAYBE NEXT TIME HE'LL WANT TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
YOU THINK SO? I DO.
(clicks tongue) ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU GOTTA DRIVE.
WHY ME? WELL, IT'S ONLY A NERD CONVENTION IF MOMMY DROPS YOU OFF.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS GUY HERE.
HE LOOKS PRETTY COOL.
THAT'S JEFFREY.
HE'S FOR LOSERS, DAD.
WELL, ISN'T THIS ALL KIND OF FOR LOSERS? HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE BABES? THE LITHIUM LADIES? YEAH.
THEIR COMIC BOOK IS RATED INAPPROPRIATE FOR MY AGE.
WELL, MOM'S NOT HERE.
LET'S CHECK IT OUT.
DAD? YEAH.
YOU'RE KIND OF EMBARRASSING ME.
WHAT? YOU GOT A GIANT BLUEBERRY WITH THREE EYES, AND I'M EMBARRASSING YOU? COME ON.
THAT'S COMMODORE CYCLOPS.
GUESS WHO HE HATES.
I DON'T KNOW.
HIS PARENTS? GIRLS? TAKING SHOWERS AT SCHOOL? WEDGIES? I CAN GO ON FOR QUITE A WHILE, NOW.
HE HATES MAGNESIUM MAN.
OH! MAG-MAG-MAGNESIUM MAN.
HARK! IT IS MY FAITHFUL COMPANION, BERYLLIUM BOY.
WHAT ARE YOU, A SPACE SUPPOSITORY? OUR INSULTS MEAN NOTHING TO ME, BECAUSE I AM MAGNESIUM MAN! MAGNESIUM MAN! OH.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY, DAD.
I CAN JUST HANG OU WITH UNCLE ANDY.
I WILL MEET YOU IN THE FORTRESS OF REFLECTITUDE.
HUH? IT'S NEX TO THE LOST AND FOUND.
(British accent) HE HAS RETURNED TO THE UNCLE, JUST AS THE ORACLE PREDICTED.
(nerdy voice) OH, AND WHA THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? LO, IT WAS FORETOLD MILLENNIA AGO THAT IN THE AGE OF ANDY WOULD ARISE A HERO WHO WOULD ALSO BE ANDY, AND HE WOULD REAP VENGEANCE UPON (whiny voice) JIM.
KNOCK IT OFF.
HA HA HA! YOUR SON THINKS THA THIS SCIENCE FICTION AMERICAN IS COOLER THAN HIS DAD.
(laughs) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? HAVE HIM HOME BY 5:00.
WHOA, WHAT? NO, WAIT, WAIT.
NO, NO.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO INSULT ME HERE.
WE'RE FIGHTING, AND--AND I'M WINNING.
LOOK, I-I-I SHOULD'VE NEVER SAID THOSE THINGS TO YOU.
I SHOULD'VE NEVER CALLED YOU A NERD, ANDY.
(all gasp) UH, NO.
BIRD, BIRD! HE CALLED ME A BIRD.
NO, I DIDN'T.
I CALLED HIM A NERD.
ANY OF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? LOOK, ANDY, I I WAS MAD BECAUSE, HONESTLY, KYLE'S JUST NOT INTO ME, EVEN WHEN I DO THINGS THAT HE WANTS TO DO.
ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE? (clears throat) IRRELEVANT.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE USED TO THINK OF ME AS HIS HERO.
A FEW YEARS AGO, HE USED TO LOOK AT ME LIKE I WAS THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME.
JIM, JIM, WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WANT TO BE A HERO? YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
COME ON.
WELL, BERYLLIUM BOY, WE HAVE VANQUISHED ALL THE EVIL IN THE WORLD.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A CHURRO.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MAGNESIUM MAN.
WHOA.
DAD, IS THAT YOU? NO.
I AM COMMODORE CYCLOPS.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF THIS PART OF THE GALAXY.
(all gasp and murmur) YOU METALLIC MORON.
EYE WILL DESTROY YOU! OH, NO, YOU WON'T.
(Andy and Jim grunting) (coughs) (clears throat) AAH! (grunts) (grunts) HA! HA! (laughs) OH! OH! OH! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD A CODPIECE.
(falsetto voice) IT WAS JUST FOR SHOW.
AAH! MY EYE! (normal voice) WHERE MY WEAPON AT? HA! HA HA! WH-WH-WHAT IS--A LASSO? WHAT IS THIS, A WESTERN? AHA! YES! (crowd cheers) BERIUM BOY-- (whispers) BERYLLIUM.
BERYLLIUM BOY HELP ME.
WHAT ARE MY SPECIAL POWERS? DON'T TELL HIM, MY COLANDER-CAPPED COLLEAGUE.
YOU'RE ON MY SIDE, REMEMBER? KYLE I AM YOUR FATHER.
JOIN ME, AND WE WILL STOP FOR ICE CREAM ON THE WAY HOME.
WHAT ARE MY POWERS? HOW CAN I DESTROY HIM? YOU COULD USE YOUR GUN.
GUN? I HAVE A GUN? I HAVE A GUN! (clicking) YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE SOUND EFFECTS.
OH, FOR CRAP'S SAKE, WHAT'S THE SOUND EFFECT? (all imitating laser sounds) I GET IT! BOOP.
BOOP.
BOOP.
BOOP.
THAT'S JUST "STUN.
" YOU GOTTA TURN IT TO "KILL.
" (growls) OW! AAH! AAH! MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I DIDN'T GET THAT CHURRO.
(all groan) THAT WAS AWESOME, DAD.
I WANT TO GO BUY A COMMODORE CYCLOPS DOLL.
ACTION FIGURE, HONEY.
ACTION FIGURE.
RIGHT.
(groans) COME ON.
I-I CAN'T GET UP.
MUST BE THE GRAVITY'S DIFFEREN THAN ON MY HOME PLANET.
YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT.
IT'S THE GRAVITY.
(grunts) OW.
THANK YOU.
(grunts) WELL, THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.
THANKS FOR MAKING ME LOOK GOOD IN FRONT OF THE BOY.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
TAKE A HIKE, WOULD YA? I'M GETTING THE EYE FROM THA LITTLE SPACE HOTTIE OVER THERE.
ARE YOU TELLING ME GIRLS LIKE THAT GO AFTER NERDS LIKE YOU? JIM, I GET MORE TAIL THAN A TRIBBLE DURING MATING SEASON.
(playing blues) HI, KYLE.
HI, DAD.
THANKS FOR TAKING ME TODAY.
IT WAS REALLY COOL.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
I HAD FUN, TOO.
ME, TOO.
YOU WANT TO PLAY SOME TETHERBALL? NO.
OH.
OKAY.
FINE.
(chuckles) (resumes playing blues) (playing high-pitched notes) IT DOESN'T SOUND AS GOOD WHENEVER I DO IT.
WELL, SON, YOU'RE HOLDING IT WRONG.
CAN YOU SHOW ME HOW? I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO.
COME HERE.
SIT DOWN.
NOW PUT YOUR HAND LIKE A "C," OKAY? THAT'S IT.
OKAY, NOW MAKE YOUR OTHER HAND LIKE A CUP.
PUT IT BEHIND AND CLOSE IT OFF.
SEE THAT? ALL RIGHT, NOW BLOW REAL HARD, THEN SUCK REAL HARD.
READY? (both playing harmonious notes)