Adventure Time with Finn & Jake s04e14 Episode Script
Card Wars
[mouse squeaks.]
[penguins wenk.]
[all cheering.]
[ Screeches .]
Adventure Time Come on, grab your friends We'll go to very distant lands With Jake the dog and Finn the human The fun will never end It's Adventure Time [ birds chirping .]
[ Munch! munch! munch! .]
Aaah! [sluuuuurp!.]
[munching loudly.]
[ Sighing .]
Hey, Jake.
What's wrong? You look dumpy.
How come? I-Is it because of that metal box? Is something sad inside? No.
It's nothing.
There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them.
But also, you could put something in the box.
And then it won't be empty! Does that make you feel better? [ Chuckles .]
You're a charmer, Finn human.
No.
it'swell Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play the game Card Wars with me.
I always beat her.
So she says, "no more card warring.
" What's Card Wars? It's a fantasy card game that's super-complicated and awesome, but, well oh, it's kinda stupid.
Never mind.
How come you never talked about it before? It sounds cool.
- Really?! Well, I thought you'd say it was for nerds who do not know how life is outside of the nerd universe.
L-it is, man.
But I still totally want to play it.
So no more moping, okay? Thanks, Finn.
[window creaks, glass shatters.]
Oh, hey, Beemo.
You want to play, too? No! I do not play such games with Jake! - What's that mean? - JAKE: Ah, whatever.
Let's play the game! So, what kind of stakes do we play for? How about the loser is a dweeb, and the winner is a cool guy? Those are good stakes.
Coffee grounds, beetle butter, grape jelly, kimchi, aaand this stuff.
Hey! You're ruining that pop with weird taste! [squiggle! squiggle!.]
We drink when the game is over.
Oh, gross.
Now, let me explain the rules.
That's basically the basics.
So once we have our kingdom set up [electronic beeping .]
it's time to start to play for the gloryyyy! Huh? Hey, were you asleep? I'll have to explain it all over again! Doesn't matter.
Let's just play.
But if you don't know the rules, then you're gonna lose in the first couple rounds, like Lady always does.
And then you'll hate the game.
And then you'll hate me! And then, and then -- Pfft! You think you're gonna win? I'm gonna crush you -- party-dance style, dweeb! [ laughs triumphantly.]
Bring it! So, how do I get my land on the map? Oh.
You, uh, floop your land cards.
[electronic beeping .]
Uh Keep those honeys hidden, or I'll get a strategic advantage! Oh! Hmm Okay, I go first.
I floop the Silo of Truth! [whirring .]
[gasps.]
Hey! Pfft! You got really lame cards.
Hmm I'll take the Cerebral Blood Storm, though.
[whirs.]
Huh? Okay, now it's the battle phase.
I'm attacking your schoolhouse with my Husker Knights.
[ Horse snorts.]
And, I'm casting Cerebral Blood Storm.
[ Shimmer! .]
So, what do you use to defend? [horse whinnies.]
Uh can my Cool Dog and Ancient Scholar defeat your Husker Knights? [ laughs.]
Of course not! Hmm.
Then I floop the pig What?! [ laughs.]
- What? - Okay, okay.
First of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight.
You activate a creature.
Hmm.
No! It says I can floop the pig.
See? [ Dig snorting .]
[gasps.]
No! He's eating all my cornfields! My Husker Knights draw energy from corn! And since I'm not actually attacking, your Cerebral Blood Storm only does damage to your own kingdom's troops.
[thunder crashes .]
[gasps.]
You just wiped out my entire attack! What do you expect if all your power units come from corn? Pigs eat corn, dude.
Cornfields stink.
Cornfields are awesome! What makes you think you know so much about Card Wars?! - It's just logic.
- Your turn.
Hmm You're supposed to discard a card and pick up a new one first.
Oh, right.
Look at you.
You're a babe in the woods.
Your beginner's luck ends this round! Hmm.
Spirit Tower! And the Cave of Solitude?! Now my battle phase begins.
I activate my ancient scholar to begin studying.
And I also move my pig to the Cave of Solitude so he can take a nap.
That's it? You're not attacking? I'll attack on a different turn.
Ha! Then the seas have aligned and the five winds waft the smell of victory to my palace doors! I cast "Field of Nightmares" and activate my legion of ear-lings to scare your pig to death! La, la, la, la My pig's in the Cave of Solitude.
Um I cast "Teleport" to move your pig to the empty field so I can attack him! Uh wouldn't "Teleport" only work on your own creatures? - You're right.
I'm gonna slay that pig, though.
How? You don't have any creatures that can touch him.
Ugh! Face it, man.
I'm the cool guy.
Hmm [gasps.]
You're the cool guy, huh? Well, let me make it a little hot for you, then.
[ Chuckles .]
I floop the volcano.
What?! That'll destroy your kingdom, too, won't it?! Hmph! Maybe on! ' Aah! My pig! La, la Aah! [chuckles evilly.]
The pig is dead.
Now I reconstitute my cornfields using the "Reclaim Landscape" spell.
My Husker Knights, revive! [ Horse snorts.]
And I still have my battle phase.
Hiding in the useless swamp, the Immortal Maize Walker! I love corn! Ah! Cornfields give the immortal maize walker triple damage.
Uh I told you cornfields are awesome! Your Ancient Scholar and Cool Dog won't survive this time.
Actually, my Ancient Scholar's been studying the "Raise the Dead" ability.
- So what? - So My Ancient Scholar raises the dead.
[ Dig snorts .]
I floop the Pig- No-o-o-o-o-o! Look.
My tower's doing a thing.
Hominy-hominy-hominy! You ganked my Spirit Walker! Ah! [mumbling angrily.]
Uh, maybe we should take a break? [groans.]
Your turn.
Huh? You play! You play! Oh, zang.
I do not play such games with Jake.
Sorry! I gotta use the boy style room.
Beemo! Beemo! Beemo chop! If this were a real attack, you'd be dead.
Beemo! Jake's acting boonoonoonoos! Oh, no! Are you winning the game of Card Wars? - Yeah! - That's terrible! If Jake loses that game, he gets super depressed! When I beat him, he wouldn't talk to me for a month! What?! I only played so he wouldn't be bummed! Finn, you must take a dive.
Okay, I'll try.
But I'm a Card Wars super Amadeus.
Whoop! Play the game.
[thinking .]
Grob.
Better make this look good.
[ Breathes deeply.]
All right, Jake.
Prepare for my ultimo-attack! Well, I've still got my Wandering Bald Man.
Oh, no.
[thinking .]
I need to get rid of my pig so Jake can reconstitute his cornfields.
I activate the pig to attack your Wandering Bald Man.
That's stupid.
Just attack with Immortal Maize Walker and get the game over with! No way! You've underestimated me and my pig all day.
[thinking .]
Please lose.
Please lose.
No-o-o-o! [grunts.]
[ Dig snorts .]
[Dig squealing.]
Oh-ho! Oh! Oh, yeah! Pigs can't leave mud landscapes once they're on them! Ha ha ha! The pig is mine! First, I'll play Reclaim Landscape.
Then I cast "Summon Archer Dan.
" Whoa, math [grunts.]
M'boys! You have no creatures left.
That's the game, boy! The five winds blow through cornfields once again for the glory of Jakoria! Heh.
You got me.
In your face! It's time to drink up! JAKE: It looks like you are the dweeb and I'm the cool guy.
[slurps.]
[sniffs.]
[gags.]
Is it too gross for you, man? No, no.
I got to take what's coming to me.
[slurps.]
[gulps.]
Hey, it's not that bad! I like it! - What?! - You want a taste? [slurps.]
Ah, it's gross! [ laughs.]
In your face, dweeb! [slurping .]
[ Both laugh .]
[slurping .]
Come along with me and the butterflies and bees Jâ We can wander through the forest and do so as we please Come along with me to a cliff under a tree FINN: This party is so crazy!
[penguins wenk.]
[all cheering.]
[ Screeches .]
Adventure Time Come on, grab your friends We'll go to very distant lands With Jake the dog and Finn the human The fun will never end It's Adventure Time [ birds chirping .]
[ Munch! munch! munch! .]
Aaah! [sluuuuurp!.]
[munching loudly.]
[ Sighing .]
Hey, Jake.
What's wrong? You look dumpy.
How come? I-Is it because of that metal box? Is something sad inside? No.
It's nothing.
There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them.
But also, you could put something in the box.
And then it won't be empty! Does that make you feel better? [ Chuckles .]
You're a charmer, Finn human.
No.
it'swell Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play the game Card Wars with me.
I always beat her.
So she says, "no more card warring.
" What's Card Wars? It's a fantasy card game that's super-complicated and awesome, but, well oh, it's kinda stupid.
Never mind.
How come you never talked about it before? It sounds cool.
- Really?! Well, I thought you'd say it was for nerds who do not know how life is outside of the nerd universe.
L-it is, man.
But I still totally want to play it.
So no more moping, okay? Thanks, Finn.
[window creaks, glass shatters.]
Oh, hey, Beemo.
You want to play, too? No! I do not play such games with Jake! - What's that mean? - JAKE: Ah, whatever.
Let's play the game! So, what kind of stakes do we play for? How about the loser is a dweeb, and the winner is a cool guy? Those are good stakes.
Coffee grounds, beetle butter, grape jelly, kimchi, aaand this stuff.
Hey! You're ruining that pop with weird taste! [squiggle! squiggle!.]
We drink when the game is over.
Oh, gross.
Now, let me explain the rules.
That's basically the basics.
So once we have our kingdom set up [electronic beeping .]
it's time to start to play for the gloryyyy! Huh? Hey, were you asleep? I'll have to explain it all over again! Doesn't matter.
Let's just play.
But if you don't know the rules, then you're gonna lose in the first couple rounds, like Lady always does.
And then you'll hate the game.
And then you'll hate me! And then, and then -- Pfft! You think you're gonna win? I'm gonna crush you -- party-dance style, dweeb! [ laughs triumphantly.]
Bring it! So, how do I get my land on the map? Oh.
You, uh, floop your land cards.
[electronic beeping .]
Uh Keep those honeys hidden, or I'll get a strategic advantage! Oh! Hmm Okay, I go first.
I floop the Silo of Truth! [whirring .]
[gasps.]
Hey! Pfft! You got really lame cards.
Hmm I'll take the Cerebral Blood Storm, though.
[whirs.]
Huh? Okay, now it's the battle phase.
I'm attacking your schoolhouse with my Husker Knights.
[ Horse snorts.]
And, I'm casting Cerebral Blood Storm.
[ Shimmer! .]
So, what do you use to defend? [horse whinnies.]
Uh can my Cool Dog and Ancient Scholar defeat your Husker Knights? [ laughs.]
Of course not! Hmm.
Then I floop the pig What?! [ laughs.]
- What? - Okay, okay.
First of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight.
You activate a creature.
Hmm.
No! It says I can floop the pig.
See? [ Dig snorting .]
[gasps.]
No! He's eating all my cornfields! My Husker Knights draw energy from corn! And since I'm not actually attacking, your Cerebral Blood Storm only does damage to your own kingdom's troops.
[thunder crashes .]
[gasps.]
You just wiped out my entire attack! What do you expect if all your power units come from corn? Pigs eat corn, dude.
Cornfields stink.
Cornfields are awesome! What makes you think you know so much about Card Wars?! - It's just logic.
- Your turn.
Hmm You're supposed to discard a card and pick up a new one first.
Oh, right.
Look at you.
You're a babe in the woods.
Your beginner's luck ends this round! Hmm.
Spirit Tower! And the Cave of Solitude?! Now my battle phase begins.
I activate my ancient scholar to begin studying.
And I also move my pig to the Cave of Solitude so he can take a nap.
That's it? You're not attacking? I'll attack on a different turn.
Ha! Then the seas have aligned and the five winds waft the smell of victory to my palace doors! I cast "Field of Nightmares" and activate my legion of ear-lings to scare your pig to death! La, la, la, la My pig's in the Cave of Solitude.
Um I cast "Teleport" to move your pig to the empty field so I can attack him! Uh wouldn't "Teleport" only work on your own creatures? - You're right.
I'm gonna slay that pig, though.
How? You don't have any creatures that can touch him.
Ugh! Face it, man.
I'm the cool guy.
Hmm [gasps.]
You're the cool guy, huh? Well, let me make it a little hot for you, then.
[ Chuckles .]
I floop the volcano.
What?! That'll destroy your kingdom, too, won't it?! Hmph! Maybe on! ' Aah! My pig! La, la Aah! [chuckles evilly.]
The pig is dead.
Now I reconstitute my cornfields using the "Reclaim Landscape" spell.
My Husker Knights, revive! [ Horse snorts.]
And I still have my battle phase.
Hiding in the useless swamp, the Immortal Maize Walker! I love corn! Ah! Cornfields give the immortal maize walker triple damage.
Uh I told you cornfields are awesome! Your Ancient Scholar and Cool Dog won't survive this time.
Actually, my Ancient Scholar's been studying the "Raise the Dead" ability.
- So what? - So My Ancient Scholar raises the dead.
[ Dig snorts .]
I floop the Pig- No-o-o-o-o-o! Look.
My tower's doing a thing.
Hominy-hominy-hominy! You ganked my Spirit Walker! Ah! [mumbling angrily.]
Uh, maybe we should take a break? [groans.]
Your turn.
Huh? You play! You play! Oh, zang.
I do not play such games with Jake.
Sorry! I gotta use the boy style room.
Beemo! Beemo! Beemo chop! If this were a real attack, you'd be dead.
Beemo! Jake's acting boonoonoonoos! Oh, no! Are you winning the game of Card Wars? - Yeah! - That's terrible! If Jake loses that game, he gets super depressed! When I beat him, he wouldn't talk to me for a month! What?! I only played so he wouldn't be bummed! Finn, you must take a dive.
Okay, I'll try.
But I'm a Card Wars super Amadeus.
Whoop! Play the game.
[thinking .]
Grob.
Better make this look good.
[ Breathes deeply.]
All right, Jake.
Prepare for my ultimo-attack! Well, I've still got my Wandering Bald Man.
Oh, no.
[thinking .]
I need to get rid of my pig so Jake can reconstitute his cornfields.
I activate the pig to attack your Wandering Bald Man.
That's stupid.
Just attack with Immortal Maize Walker and get the game over with! No way! You've underestimated me and my pig all day.
[thinking .]
Please lose.
Please lose.
No-o-o-o! [grunts.]
[ Dig snorts .]
[Dig squealing.]
Oh-ho! Oh! Oh, yeah! Pigs can't leave mud landscapes once they're on them! Ha ha ha! The pig is mine! First, I'll play Reclaim Landscape.
Then I cast "Summon Archer Dan.
" Whoa, math [grunts.]
M'boys! You have no creatures left.
That's the game, boy! The five winds blow through cornfields once again for the glory of Jakoria! Heh.
You got me.
In your face! It's time to drink up! JAKE: It looks like you are the dweeb and I'm the cool guy.
[slurps.]
[sniffs.]
[gags.]
Is it too gross for you, man? No, no.
I got to take what's coming to me.
[slurps.]
[gulps.]
Hey, it's not that bad! I like it! - What?! - You want a taste? [slurps.]
Ah, it's gross! [ laughs.]
In your face, dweeb! [slurping .]
[ Both laugh .]
[slurping .]
Come along with me and the butterflies and bees Jâ We can wander through the forest and do so as we please Come along with me to a cliff under a tree FINN: This party is so crazy!