Agatha Raisin (2016) s01e00 Episode Script

1 One summer, my dad had a win on the horses.
It was his usual stupid odds, but this horse came in at 45-1.
Do we have to keep going over this?! You know we do.
And he said to my mum, "I'm taking you and Aggie on holiday.
" And you went to the Cotswolds.
Yes, we did.
He borrowed a tent and took us camping.
What do you remember of the holiday? It was magical, just being in the country.
And at night, we'd sit around the campfire and I'd tell him which of the beautiful cottages I was going to live in one day.
And now that day is almost here.
Yeah.
Yet you are still anxious.
No.
Are you lonely? No, I'm talking to you.
Well, we've established, Agatha, that you comfort-eat when you're either lonely or anxious.
This is my breakfast! It's 350 calories, and this bacon's so tough, I reckon it takes me 400 to chew it, so I'm actually losing weight while I'm eating.
You're not anxious about this being your last day of work? No.
You've always defined yourself through work, Agatha.
We've talked about it being a shield for your inferiority and rootlessness, deep inadequacy and I've got another call coming.
We're in session - don't turn me off! Aggie, please, we need you.
The boys are launching their new album this morning and a photographer caught Danny in a hotel room last night with his wife's best friend.
Roy, I'm leaving in two days! You are handling this.
Só vim ao escritório assinar a transferência e depois fui! Aggie, please, please I can't stand the woman.
She's so rude.
That's why she doesn't have any genuine friends We want Danny! We want Danny! Thank God.
It's a nightmare! Where are the boys? In the Marlborough Room.
Has Danny's wife had the baby yet? She's in the hospital now.
Who's got the story? The Sun's got the pictures.
Are they deniable? Oh, no, they're not.
What are you doing? Freshening him up.
No, no, no! We're taking Danny out of the album launch.
What?! We'll get him photographed looking sorry and dishevelled, while I brief the media that it's the pressures of being a new father that are the cause of this little indiscretion.
And that he's going to the hospital now to plead forgiveness from his wife.
She's going to kill me.
And you deserve it, you little twit.
Ow! Right.
Just get out there, start looking sad and sorry.
We need your fans to still love you, and it's impossible to feel bad about someone who looks like they're suffering.
Best publicity this album launch could have hoped for.
OK.
Danny Shine of Boyhood walked out of his album launch today, promising to grow up.
The pressures of fame have been overwhelming in recent weeks.
Many of his young fans were heartbroken at seeing such a crestfallen figure hurrying to the hospital to be with his wife as she expects their first child.
You ? Yeah.
Oh, and the ? Yeah.
In entertainment news, Boyhood's new album, We Can Be Corrupted, looks set to become the fastest-selling album of the year.
A double success for Danny Shine, who became a father for the first time this morning.
How are you feeling, Danny? I couldn't be happier.
# They leave little traces inside of me # I climbed over mountains # And found my way back home # So many lessons that I have learned # They leave an impression # A time to return To walk the wilderness # And find my way back home # I was stuck on a losing streak But you helped me to find my feet I still don't understand why you're leaving us, Aggie.
Because that's always been the plan.
Earn enough money and get out of this rat race before I'm too old.
Don't! But what are you going to do in The Cotswolds? Build a home.
Fit in.
You? Yes, me.
I've always wanted to live there, ever since I was a little girl.
I used to go there on holiday.
Won't you get lonely out in the country? It's been lonely here.
You'd better come and visit me.
Sure.
With whoever you're currently dating.
What's his name? Steven.
Steven.
Oh, Agatha? What? Here's a little something just from me.
Oh, thank you.
And I thought you were being nice.
You'd be lost without a microwave, Aggie.
Are you Mother's little helper? No, that's Prozac.
How large is large? It's large.
That's slightly sweeter.
Did you make it yourself? Are you sure you're not coming to the market? No.
I'm feeling a bit peaky this morning.
Oh, poor darling.
See you later, then.
Bye.
How long will she be gone? Half an hour.
I'll get rid of the dog.
See you later, darling! Oh, Andy! Finally, the introduction of county-wide controlled village parking zones are the result of almost two years of intense debate .
.
I'm miserable now No! # Perfect # It's got to be # Perfect # Too many people take second best # But I won't take anything less # It's got to be # Yeah Perfect Oh, charming! Wednesday's market day.
Must remember that.
Hello! Little children.
Oh! In your own time.
Road hog! Thank you! You have reached your destination.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Who are you?! The police! Turn them off! Why are you trespassing? Just turn them off! Why are you here, anyway? To welcome you to the village.
If you're the local bobby, where's the uniform? My name's Detective Constable Bill Wong.
I work out of Evesham.
Why the ? Because it makes me look 30 again.
Does it work? Yes.
I've got a rowing machine and an exercise bike.
Is this what you're up to tomorrow? Just trying to fit in.
Are you going to go now? I am.
Just do what people do and you'll fit in fine.
Why do you care? Because I'm being friendly.
It's a friendly village, this.
People are nice to each other.
Is this all your stuff? Yes.
It's like a show home.
Thank you.
Was that an insult? It looks nice - that's what I meant.
Well, why wouldn't you just say that? "It looks nice.
" It looks nice.
Good.
Goodbye.
Right.
Is your wife out tonight, Andy, or are you just giving the dog a long walk? She's doing her amateur dramatics.
Oh, do your Jack Bauer.
Do your Jack Bauer! I love that.
The following takes place between 10:42 and 10:45, on the day of the Californian Presidential Primary.
I love 24! Ooh! Oh! Sheila! I thought you'd finished with her.
Look, love, you're not my wife.
I'm not answerable to you, so stop spying on me.
I'm going to tell her husband.
Then you'll stop seeing her.
Sheila And he'll hurt you, Andy.
He'll hurt you badly.
Come on, boy.
Good morning! Nice weather for it.
Yes, it is.
It is indeed.
It's beautiful.
Is that all you want? Yes, thanks.
What type of quiche are you entering for the competition this year, Gail? I thought ricotta cheese and prawn.
Oh.
I think that would make me want to vomit.
Well, I gave it to Sarah Bloxby last week and she didn't throw up.
So I think I'm in with a better chance than last year.
I'd love to win.
It's so prestigious.
It's nice weather we're having.
Yes.
Have you got everything you need there, Mrs.
Raisin? Is it possible to find a cleaner round here? Oh, it's very difficult, I'm afraid.
Not your wife? Or your mother, if she's still active? No.
Let's hope the weather holds for the weekend.
This quiche competition on Saturday - do you know who the judge is? Andy Cummings-Browne.
Ah! And do you have his phone number? Yes? Hello.
I'm calling from the office of Agatha Raisin Who? She's just taken up residence in Carsely and would like to arrange a social visit.
Will you be in? That'll be fine.
Many thanks.
Agatha Raisin, new to the village.
I believe my secretary rang ahead.
You've just taken Budgen's cottage? That's right.
Maybe you can help me.
I was thinking of entering your Great Quiche competition, but don't quite know how to go about it.
Read one of the leaflets.
Good idea! Would you care to join me for dinner this evening? You could give me a few hints on how to do the things that people do when they do things around here.
It'll be on me.
Do they do food at the White Horse? I wouldn't be seen dead at the White Horse.
They do good food at the Feathers in Ancombe.
The Feathers it is, then.
I shall see you there.
7.
30.
Oh, hello! Lady on the bike! Agatha Raisin, new to the village.
Agatha Raisin.
What is it, dear? I'm your new neighbour dear.
What? What? I need a cleaner.
Do you have the name of a cleaner? It's impossible round here.
I'm lucky enough to have the Simpson girl on Thursdays, but she can't possibly fit you in.
Well, you could give me her number and I could give her a try.
Absolutely not.
Right.
You don't know where the Simpson girl lives, do you? All day Thursday, £12 an hour, and I'll provide lunch.
That's double what I get from snotty old Sheila Barr.
Will you be making the lunch yourself? Mum says all she normally gets is salad, and she's fed up with them.
No, it'll be good food.
Ready meals, oven chips, mayonnaise.
Excellent.
Yeah, go on, then.
You're on, love.
Then why don't you ring Sheila now and break the bad news? Yeah, all right.
Hello, dear.
You must have seen them, littering up the village green.
Bored out of their box.
No morality.
Goodness knows what they get up to.
The bill's on its way, I think.
I just need the ladies.
Nothing that a few years in barracks wouldn't sort out.
Your bill, madam.
Oh, thank you.
As a single woman living alone, Mrs.
Raisin, if you ever get scared by the noises of the night, you must call me.
Why? I could come over and protect you, if that's what you want.
Any trouble in the night, just call.
It wouldn't be any bother to sort you out.
Now, before I settle this bill, would you like another malt whisky? No, two's your limit, isn't it, darling? Two's good for me.
Now, tell me, Andy what normally wins the quiche competition? Oh, spinach, usually.
Though, occasionally my eye gets caught by tomato.
You know you have to submit them on Friday evening for judging on Saturday? Well, I bake a beautiful spinach.
Ella Cartwright usually does a spinach doesn't she, darling? I don't recall.
Ella Cartwright? Is she my main threat? She wins every year.
Well, I think you'll find that my quiche is known for being the finest in London.
Thank you, madam.
Don't worry about the change.
What a nightmare woman.
Hi, Tarzan! Can she cook? Well, who cares? I might get her in the amateur dramatics, though.
She looks a drama queen.
Come on, boy, let's get you some food.
Good boy! You'll be asked to leave the village if they find out you're cheating.
But they won't, will they? Oh, they smell lovely.
On the table over there.
Well done, Davina.
Lovely! That's beautiful! Put the cakes on the table over there.
Well done.
Agatha Raisin, spinach quiche.
Well done, Agatha.
With quiche, over there.
That looks lovely! That looks really nice.
Shouldn't you be in the village hall, instead of lurking around here? Don't you ever give up? Nothing puts me off.
I like lurking.
Especially here.
That little kiss we had last Christmas Don't! Can you still taste it? I can still taste the mulled wine, which I had too much of.
Because if we don't have another soon, your husband - your sainted husband - might get to hear about it.
Andy! Hi.
Sarah was just telling me you might need a hand.
I'm nearly done, actually.
Who's getting crucified? I am.
Bugger off! Chill out! Excuse me! Come on, quickly! Police business! Have they taken everything? Everything.
Apart from your Germaine Greer poster.
And your awards.
Is there somebody else there with you? The police! And how does this make you feel? Lonely? Anxious? Of course it does! What do you think it says about you that people think they can burgle YOU? Be quiet.
Well, this is most unusual.
We haven't had a home burglary in Carsely for Since before I was born, sir.
Moreton-in-Marsh is a different story.
It's a hotbed of criminality.
Mostly burglaries, never murder.
Which is a shame.
Because that's why you join the police force, isn't it? But I've never had one.
And I think I'd cope with it quite well.
Do you mind if I ? Was anything of value been taken? Yes! I paid a design team a fortune to make this place feel like home.
Or a show home.
Maybe now you can use the insurance money to put what you like in the house.
Because it wasn't very homely, Agatha.
Are you trying to look for a silver lining? It's just things.
You're all right, which is the main thing.
This is my home, Bill! We'll need you to itemise exactly what's been taken, Mrs.
Raisin.
We have to say that, but we never find anything.
You told me if I did what people did, I'd fit in here.
That I would be happy.
You will.
You've got the village fete to look forward to tomorrow.
Oh, God! Get your raffle tickets here! There you go.
Mmm! Mmm! Are you Agatha? I am.
Sarah Bloxby.
I'm sorry to hear about your trouble last night, but I must admit I have never seen a quiche with such a delicate crust.
Thank you.
Can you tell me which one is Ella Cartwright? She's over there in the blue.
That's a woman? Not him, her.
She's won it for the last six years.
I heard that.
I mean, who does she have to sleep with round here to get a run of success like that - the vicar? Well, I hope not - he's my husband.
Oh.
She hadn't been here a day before she swiped the Simpson girl off me! Paying her a fortune! She's just a blow-in from London.
She'll be running back within a fortnight.
Agatha Raisin, spinach, new to the village.
Gail Murray, mushroom, born here.
I'm sorry about your trouble last night.
It's nothing.
What will I win if I ? Ssh! Ladies and gentlemen, if I can interrupt the chit-chat and the scoffing of biscuits for a moment Can't hear you! What will the winner win? Five pounds.
Not a big shiny cup? I'd like to announce the results.
There's been a tremendous effort, particularly in the new potato department But I'd like to start with the most prestigious award - that of the Best Quiche.
And the winner - this year's pride of Carsely - is .
.
once again, Ella Cartwright.
Oh! Thank you! I think we all know that mine was the best quiche.
I judged otherwise.
Or is everyone in this village too busy stealing to know how the world works? Would you like to take your quiche home, Agatha? No, thank you.
It's my gift to him.
He can shove it up his "He can shove the quiche so far up his arse, "you can see it when he burps!" Don't! The vicar heard every word.
I don't know why you bother with those silly sods.
Because they fit in, don't they? They belong.
Really? Yeah! I mean, look at the houses they live in.
You live here, in this dump.
No offence.
It is a dump.
All my life I've looked at people who've belonged somewhere.
I still don't know how they do it.
Well, I belong here.
Have another sticky finger.
I will.
Tomorrow, after work, Kyra and I are going shopping.
Do you want to come? I don't want to intrude.
You won't be.
It's not like I've got a man, is it? And why not? Look at you! Big sexy girl like you.
Well, the one I had buggered off.
And the one I really like doesn't really notice me.
Have another sticky finger.
Will you stop it with the sticky fingers! Tomorrow, I'm going to get dressed up, I'm going to go to church, and I'm going to apologise.
The male lion has three wives and lives a life of leisure, impregnating them all in turn.
What on earth are you watching? It's educational.
I'm off to rehearsal.
I brought that horrid woman's quiche back.
I'll say one thing for her, though - she can cook.
Which one of his pride will the beast mount tonight? See you later, son! Have a good one.
Is that policeman on again? Just now.
Yeah.
Why don't you join? It's money, innit? It might be worth it.
40 to 50?! What's he done that for? What? Mrs.
Josephs' cat has had a litter, and I wondered if you could do with some company.
Oh, hello! Look at you! Teeny-tiny, oh, yes! He's all yours.
Thank you.
You'd better come in.
Come on in.
I'll get you a drink.
I've got a lot to do today, so be a good girl and sit quietly.
OK, Mum.
Tarzan! Tarzan! Come on, Tarzan.
Morning, Tarzan.
Are they up yet? Kyra, go in there and play with your colouring book, please.
Mummy! MUMMY! Sarah! Sarah.
I must apologise for my language yesterday.
Oh, don't worry! Emotions were high and you'd made such an effort.
Everyone was saying it looked like we had a real cook in the village.
Oh! Are you off to a wedding? No.
Careful, Bill! Morning, Agatha.
Is he in training for something? I don't think so.
Where is he? Bugger me! Where's Jo? What's going on? I didn't think she was in.
Bill? Are you sure it was poison? Next week is the Green Man Harvest Festival.
A pagan event, where the lustful and lascivious sinners I see before me will celebrate our fertile fields with Morris dances symbolising sex orgies and the general pursuit of women.
And at the Green Man Festival, I will represent Christ himself in this village, strapped to this cross, for your sins.
Why are the police here? I don't know.
That was an ambulance, not a police siren.
We saw Bill running past earlier.
What are they talking about? I don't know.
.
.
and I ask all of you to support me Where are you going? Sarah! Sarah! Sarah! We talked about this! What? Right, check everything and dust everything.
Yes, sir.
Got it! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Bill, what's happening? I'm sorry, it's an ongoing investigation, and I can't tell you anything.
Just spit it out, for goodness sake, boy! Andy's been poisoned.
What?! What did he say? So is the wife a murder suspect in the murder? Yes, sir.
She fed him his supper.
And can you think of any other suspects in the murder who might have murdered him? Not as yet, sir, no.
OK.
Good.
I just want to get this right.
Mrs.
Cummings-Murder, we believe your husband has been unlawfully killed by your quiche.
It wasn't mine.
I didn't make it.
Then who did? Get in the car! What do you think I'm doing? Go, go, go! Police! Police! Is anyone in there? What's going on? Have you seen the woman that lives in this house? She just left.
On her bike.
She's running for it.
There she is! Don't go too fast on this hump-backed bridge ! Oh, no! Agatha Raisin? Yes? Did you yourself cook the quiche you entered in the recent competition? Of course I did.
What was in it? Why would you think that I wouldn't know what was in it? Just answer the question.
Pastry spinach .
.
eggy thing and bread.
Bread? Bread.
Is that a crime? I'll be the judge of that.
Would you make it for us, please? N-Now? Yes.
OK.
I'll make a quiche for you.
(Eggs are definitely involved, aren't they? Yes.
) (And milk.
And milk.
) (Thank you.
) Right.
For the pastry, I will need some potatoes.
Oh, come on! It's hardly cheating, is it? It's just a silly little competition.
Anyway, why aren't you running over the fields chasing Andy Cummings-Browne's killer or something? Because he was poisoned to death from eating cicuta found in your quiche! Well, that's what we suspect, but we're not sure.
We're not sure, but we are sure.
We're awaiting confirmation.
Yes, we're awaiting fermentation, but that was what everyone in that room thought and knows to be true.
cicuta? A plant found in some parts of Britain.
Here, for example.
Oh! Poor man.
So who did cook the quiche you entered in the competition? If I say, you won't tell everyone in the village I cheated, will you? If you do, they will never speak to me again.
Hey! Where is everybody? So the spinach quiche you submitted at the village competition was not baked by you? No.
And you said to DCI Wilkes, "It's hardly cheating".
This attempt to wilfully deceive your neighbours and win £5.
"If I did it in London, I'd get an OBE, "you pathetic provincial plod".
Oh, dear! I think he fancies her.
Ssh! Did you cook the quiche yourself? We do all the baking, sir.
We buy from the grocer across the street.
He goes to New Covent Garden every morning for produce.
The cicuta must have got in with the spinach.
I apologise to Mrs.
Cummings-Browne and her husband's friends.
It's a tragic accident.
When I came back from rehearsal, the television was still on, which wasn't unusual for my husband because he was forgetful.
So I switched it off and went upstairs to bed.
My cleaner found his body in the morning.
It was me! Did you sleep in separate bedrooms? I have a bad back and I need the space.
I just thought he'd gone down to the White Horse for his usual pint.
We heard from your family doctor that because of your husband's high blood pressure, the shock of having toxins like those produced by cicuta in his body could be very dangerous.
Were you aware of this? I wasn't, no.
My husband was of the old school, sir.
Very proud.
He would have been embarrassed to have been thought so vulnerable.
Do you need a glass of water, Mrs.
Cummings-Browne? I think we'll adjourn.
Murderer! I did not murder anyone! It was Mr Economides.
I didn't murder anyone either! If you hadn't cheated, Andy would still be alive.
Stop it, Sheila.
Go back to London! Mrs.
Josephs! I'm so sorry, Agatha.
You should come to church on Sunday.
Nobody ever died in the village before you arrived.
Are you OK? Come on.
Everybody hates me.
It'll die down.
You know, a while ago, someone ran over the pub cat, and after a couple of years of hate mail and graffiti, and dog poo thrown at their house every night, people moved on.
A couple of years?! With that report from his doctor, the Coroner's going to find accidental death.
The cicuta obviously got into the spinach accidentally.
No-one's to blame.
But it might be an idea to go and stay with friends this weekend, Agatha.
Just to let all the emotion die down.
I can't, because my only friend is coming to me this weekend.
I wouldn't be seen dead in there, to be honest.
Sorry! Oh! Thank God you're here! It can't be that bad.
It is.
I have never been so hated.
That can't be true.
Think of how it was in London.
And I love you too(!) Then why don't you sell up and move away? Because I don't want to move away! I want to live here.
I've always wanted to live here.
And anyway, I've nowhere else to go.
Ah.
Hi, I'm Steve.
Hi, Steve.
Think of it positively, Aggie.
You've already cheated, been burgled, killed someone, and been wanted by the police.
It's plain sailing from here.
At least you've made a mark.
Yes, what did The Boston Strangler say? "Better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
" This is really not helping.
And have you found a man yet? Any frolicking farmers caught your eye? Not a sausage.
It is idyllic here, Aggie.
You cannot leave.
Is there any cicuta here? It doesn't grow in gardens.
So where does it grow? Among the regular vegetables? No, it's a marshy plant.
I looked it up.
How many hamburgers can you eat? So how did a marshy plant get harvested with spinach? That's odd.
It's not the only thing that's odd.
How come nobody else has dropped dead? How come none of the other deli customers have died, or was it just in the one quiche? Excuse me! That smoke is blowing all over my garden, and my brother and I are trying to have tea.
Is this your annoying neighbour? Yep.
Pipe down and go away.
Are you going to allow him talk to me like that? Er yeah.
Sheila, just leave it.
Did anyone want Cummings-Browne dead? Me! After he cheated me out of winning the quiche competition.
Apart from you.
It was my quiche.
Maybe it was meant for me! Who'd like to see you dead? I would! Sheila! But who knew I'd throw a strop and abandon it if I didn't win? Anyone who has spent two minutes in your company.
I'm being serious.
Excuse me.
The smoke is quite intense.
I wonder if you'd mind moving the barbecue to the other side of the garden? Sure.
Yes.
Thank you.
I thought you said there were no attractive men in the village? The thing is, we had to submit the quiche to the competition the night before.
So what's to stop someone baking a quiche with cicuta .
.
and swapping them! If they wanted Andy Cummings-Browne dead.
But who wanted him dead? This is redemption, Agatha.
You prove there's a murderer in this village and people will stop blaming you.
You'll be respected.
You might even be liked.
Let's get to work.
Cheers, everybody.
So who would have known about Andy's high blood pressure? His wife! Exactly.
Yet, at the inquest, she said she didn't know about it.
Which is bollocks.
Totally bollocks.
Who else? Why do people want to commit murder? Money, sex, jealousy, shame, because someone borrows your favourite T-shirt without asking and spills orange juice down it.
I've apologised for that so many times.
Sex! He was definitely a player.
He tried to pick me up the first day I met him.
So we know he's not discerning.
Why would you use quiche as a murder weapon? Why not just hit him on the head or chop him into little pieces with an axe? Because it's significant.
How, Roy? How is it significant? Come on! Why is it significant? Because why did the same woman win the quiche competition every year? With an inferior quiche.
What's the story there? What IS the story there? How the hell do I know? Were they having an affair? How the hell do I know? Well, I'm going to find out.
.
.
are fatal without Christ I thought you looked thirsty, Ella.
Oh, it's the Big Poisoner.
You must have known Andy Cummings-Browne well.
Winning all those competitions.
What have you heard? Nothing.
I was just thinking about Andy.
Andy was lovely.
He weren't the only one in the village in a lonely marriage.
Did he and Jo not get on? It was her what had all the cash.
He said she made him jump through hoops just to get drinking money.
All he had was his Army pension and that didn't go far.
He used to say, "Ella," he'd say, "One of these days, I'm going to wring that woman's neck "and get rid of her once and for all.
" When did he tell you this? Well You were shagging him! Did Jo know? No, I'm not I'm not saying any more.
Just tell me if his wife knew.
No, I don't And you're I don't like your questions, missus! I'm coming through.
Excuse me.
Hello, Mrs.
Raisin.
Would love to! He's fallen for it! Look! Oh, no! He's still in there! Just a minute! I've been looking for you, young man.
Yes? I want to tell you what I really think.
I'd love to hear that, Agatha.
Right.
Look at Jo Cummings-Browne.
OK.
Now, if I was doing the PR for a murder, that's exactly what I'd advise.
I'd get the normally prim and proper Mrs.
Cummings-Browne to look dishevelled, like she's suffering, because it's impossible to think badly about someone when they look like they're suffering.
I'm sorry, are you accusing Mrs.
Cummings-Browne of murdering her husband? Why not? He was shagging Ella Cartwright.
You don't know that.
She just told me.
Oh.
Jo could easily have baked a substitute quiche and fed it to him.
No! No, no! The first person police check in a suspicious death is the spouse.
We checked her bins, we checked her kitchen, and no baking had been done there for days.
But if she'd found out about him having an affair Agatha.
Agatha Bill.
Bill, I know people.
I know how they work, and I've made very good money out of it for a long time.
Agatha, no-one holds you responsible for Andy's death.
Yes, they do.
No, they don't.
No-one.
No-one does.
Stop playing detective.
Excuse me! Sorry could I have a sip of that? Could you get me a cola? The wages of sin How did the Miss Marpling go? I charged over to the police making accusations and made a right tit out of myself.
So they were having an affair? Yes.
Had his wife found out? I don't know.
Yet.
James, I've baked too many apple pies and I don't know if you like apple pie, but I thought as I had one left over, I thought maybe Sheila's brother could make use of one? I don't know! I love apple pie.
Thank you, Gail.
Just trying to extend a warm Carsely welcome.
He's a bit of all right, him, isn't he? Do you like a bit of posh? Who? Did Andy Cummings-Browne ever try anything on with you? Why do you ask? No.
Jo knew he was an old goat.
She'd never leave him alone in the house when I was cleaning.
She knew about Ella? She told him to put a stop to it some time ago.
But recently, someone kept breaking in to the house and writing messages on the mirror in lipstick, saying he's up to his old tricks again.
I've had to rub it off twice before starting work.
Why haven't you told me this before? Because I'm telling you now.
This is relevant to my murder inquiry.
Well, Sherlock, I didn't know you were having He wasn't murdered.
Agatha, what are you on about? What colour of lipstick? Red.
What shade was it? Who wears it? Who was writing these messages on the mirror? Oh, stop it! Stop making things up to make life more interesting.
It's dangerous.
I bet you'd feel life was more interesting if you woke up to that every morning.
They say he's just retired after 30 years in the Army.
So he's used to being disciplined.
I tend to scare men.
Well, delicate creatures, aren't they, poor little things.
I wouldn't know how to approach a man I liked any more.
Just make an effort! You give an inch, let them take a yard.
That's what they're doing.
Mr Lacey, I've just decorated a cake with an Army theme, quite by accident.
I was going to throw it away when I thought Smile! Aggie, will you whizz us back for the train? You'll be all right if we go, won't you? Of course.
What time does that little deli in Moreton close? Yes? Yes.
What? I'm Agatha Raisin from next door and My sister's out.
Yes, I saw her go.
I was just passing that nice deli in Moreton and thought to myself, Sheila's brother looks like an eater.
You're the woman who poisons people.
I see where you're coming from.
If I'm honest, I've been given quite a lot of pies and puddings since arriving in the village and I know.
You have got to be so careful.
I know what you mean.
I mean, I don't know what you were like before in terms of weight.
You're still attractive, very attractive.
If you'll excuse me.
What are you eating reading? The book.
Um Well, now I've got a bit of time, I'm writing some military history.
Oh, boring! When are you going, so I can get back to work? Right now.
Goodbye.
Bye.
'I've always wanted to live there, ever since I was a little girl.
'Used to go there on holiday.
'But won't you get lonely out in the country?' Miaow! 'It's been lonely here.
' Hello.
Hello.
Kyra, isn't it? My mum said you've got to be bloody nice.
OK.
Why? Because she lied her arse off on the website.
You want to know where Agatha is, don't you? Agatha, so glad you could come.
I thought our stuffy little Ladies Committee might not be for you, but we could do with some business experience, raising money and so forth.
I was just sitting at home thinking I'd much rather be here.
Well, that's wonderful spirit.
Let me introduce you.
Sarah, before we go in, can I ask you a question? Of course.
There's some rumours flying about in the village, and I don't want to speak ill of the dead It sounds like you're going to.
I am, yes.
Was Andy really a bit of a skirt-chaser? He wasn't.
It's just that I heard He wasn't.
OK.
Sit here.
Ladies, we have a very special and talented woman with us tonight.
Please stand up.
Oh! But before Mrs.
Josephs shows us her photographs of Carsely Past and Present, it's unfortunately that time of the month again when Mr and Mrs.
Boggle are due for their trip out and Agatha'll do it! Great! That's settled.
Pick them up tomorrow morning, Agatha.
Mrs.
Josephs.
What's wrong with the Boggles? Ssh! I fancied you the first time that I saw you, but I didn't want anyone to know, cos I would have been embarrassed.
Because I was head boy? No, cos you were a total square! Cos you wore your school uniform to the school Christmas disco.
I thought it was an official event.
No-one dances to Oasis in their blazer! Or knows all the words to Mistletoe and Wine.
Did you fancy me? You know I did.
I used to try and sit next to you in Physics.
But you always had Gary.
Gary the bastard.
It wouldn't have worked back then.
And it's not going to work now, is it? Why not? Because because how could it? Look how different we are.
So you're going to go after the older women, are you? You'll make an arse of yourself.
I'm going to go.
We shouldn't have done this.
And this is Carsely, taken by my grandfather in 1904.
You will notice the absence of cars, and that Gail's little house was originally built as the public toilet.
In more recent years, I have taken over the mantle, as you know.
Here's the village fair, with Jo winning for her flower arranging, and Ella Cartwright winning the quiche competition again, an honour she inherited from our host Sarah, who won for the best quiche one two three years on the trot.
'He was a nice man, Jo.
' Oh! Sorry.
I've got to take this.
Hi! We think we should warn you I've got another suspect, Roy.
I think there was something unholy going on between the dead man and the vicar's wife.
Calm down, calm down.
I can't calm down.
Looking through Steve's pictures of Green Man, we can see a woman staring at you with real hatred.
I'll send it now.
He's sending it now.
Oh, God! It's like The Witches of Eastwick here.
She looks like a witch.
Aggie, she's really scary.
There can be real nutters in the countryside.
Has she seen The Wicker Man? Have you seen The Wicker Man? I'm looking at the woman now.
Do you know her? No.
Do you think he was having an affair with her as well? I think he was probably shagging the whole village, Roy.
I'm telling you, there's something going on here.
We're here now.
Let's get off.
See you next week.
Ella.
No, I don't want to talk to you again, London Lady.
Just one quick question.
Now, tell me.
When Sarah Bloxby kept winning the quiche competition, was there something going on between her and Andy? What's it worth? You want information for money? What are you, the mafia? I've just done a bundle down the bingo.
If my John finds out, he'll hammer me.
Ten? Twenty.
What the vicar didn't see, the vicar didn't know.
That's all there is to say on the matter.
Another little question.
What about this lady here? Any idea who she is? Um No, not from round here.
Was Andy diddling her an' all? Ella! Get in there! John, don't.
Go on! Mr Cartwright You keep your nose out and stop asking questions.
If I see you do it again You'll ? What? You didn't actually finish your sentence.
You know what I mean.
Actually, I don't.
You didn't finish your sentence, you uneducated ape! Oh, no, I'm getting it.
I think I understand exactly what you're talking about.
Good morning.
You not doing any cleaning today, then? I'm feeling depressed.
What's all this? It's a mood board, about Andy Cummings-Browne's death.
We used to use them all the time at work.
When people died? So these are my suspects - John the jealous husband, Sarah the shameful vicar's wife Why have you got the volcano? Well, that signifies an eruption of lust and anger.
Oh, right.
Sarah Bloxby, she was the only one wearing red lipstick yesterday.
It was that sort of shade.
Now, is that the same colour as the writing on the mirror? No, it was lighter than that, like a peach.
Like that.
Aren't you meant to be taking the Boggles out today? Oh, bugger me! You're very, very late.
Just be pleased I'm here at all.
I thought you might like to go to the garden centre in Stow-on-the-Wold.
There are things I need to do today.
We're not going to a bloody garden centre.
You're taking us to Bath.
Bath? Bath! Bath! You could both do with a bath, you smelly pair.
Oi! And we're going to Sally Lunn's Kitchen for a slap-up meal, and London Lady's paying.
You've got to treat the elderly right in a village like this.
Let's not go to Bath, then.
Let's go to Dignitas in Switzerland.
Is it nice there? I'd enjoy it.
We were worried you were going to bring us a packed lunch.
With a slice of quiche.
Ha ha - very good(!) You never had a chance of winning that competition.
Everyone knew Andy was diddling Ella Cartwright.
The whole village knew what Randy Andy was like.
He was after the vicar's wife for ages.
Kept on giving her the quiche prize.
Then he goosed her once up the side aisle and she went straight to Jo and told her.
She's petrified the vicar'll find out, thinks it might send him doolally again.
He's manic-depressive.
Ella told me he'd had an affair with Sarah.
Did you give Ella money? That elephant would do anything for bingo money.
That's how Cummings-Browne got his way with her.
That's right.
Who else did he try and seduce? Sheila Barr.
But Sheila was Jo's best friend! She made a right fool of herself during that play last year.
She done a play with him last year.
Some romance set in the Indian Raj and she told him she loved him during the curtain call, and he was to meet her after the show at their usual place.
The only trouble was, her microphone was still on.
Still on! Sheila? What about this woman - is she another one of his? That's Maria Borrow.
Rich as anything.
Mad as a cat.
Her late husband ran a couple of banks.
Lives in Bourton.
Bourton-on-the-Water? Bourton-on-the-Hill.
No, Bourton-in-the-Hole.
Which bloody Bourton?! Why can't you people give these places proper names, like Fulham or Chelsea? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! Bourton-on-the-Hill.
Right! This isn't the way to Bath.
We're not going to bloody Bath.
Maria Borrow? I knew you would come to see me.
Really? Did you? The trees were telling me.
I heard it in their song.
OK.
Let's get straight back down to Planet Earth, shall we? This is you, isn't it? You poisoned my future husband.
Andy Cummings-Browne? We were engaged.
But he was married.
He said that he was divorcing her.
For a life with me.
You were shagging, then? And that's why you broke into their house and wrote messages in lipstick, because you were trying to break up his marriage? I do not use lipstick.
I never wear unnatural cosmetics.
And, no, we were not shagging.
I had agreed to consummation at the next full moon.
But your evil deed, Mrs.
Raisin, has denied Andrew and me of our future.
And evil must be punished, by curse of death.
Which is what you were doing here? You will die a horrible, lonely death, witnessed only by the trees, that will sing a song of your empty life.
Hello? Andy was obviously murdered.
I'm convinced of it.
Who by, Agatha? Well, there's Sheila No! No.
Hello? I can't hear you.
Sheila, who obviously felt jilted by him, which would have been a huge blow to her pride.
Considering the other nutters that he was knobbing.
Plus I've unearthed some evidence that he was pressurising Sarah into having sex.
She's the vicar's wife, Agatha! Exactly.
Which gives her a huge motive to get him out the way and cover up their affair.
There's rich and crazy Maria Borrow.
Bill, there are suspects everywhere! High blood pressure.
All these women would have known him intimately, so they would have been aware of his high blood pressure.
Could you not do that by the side of the road, please? Needs must! Agatha, you're sounding paranoid.
Stop sticking your nose into other people's business.
Paranoia, Bill, is just another word for police work! Good point.
Which you don't seem to be doing! I know that man was murdered.
John Cartwright - there's another.
He was being cheated on, so he's got a motive.
I am not going to investigate John Cartwright, whatever you think you know.
Stop looking into this.
Sorry, losing you.
Can't hear you! Agatha? Agatha! Peachtree Pink lipstick.
Am I right? I've no idea what you're talking about.
Just be quiet.
Peachtree Pink on the mirror.
Keep your voice down, you silly woman.
Why? What were you going to do - drive a wedge between them so you could have him all to yourself? I've known women like you - marriage-breakers.
You get spurned and you become all bitter and desperate.
You start breaking into houses.
You're bunny-boilers, quiche-bakers I was trying to warn my friend about her husband's philandering.
You wanted him all to yourself, didn't you? I didn't.
Yes, you did, Sheila.
You were in love with him, weren't you? Ladies, maybe we should go inside and you can talk about it there.
When did YOU first know about all this? Can you just go now, Agatha? I've always known about it.
That's what Andy was like.
Sheila, Ella Cartwright.
He'd have had you, if he'd lived.
He wouldn't.
I'm sorry.
I wanted you to know so I could have him for myself.
I'm sorry, Jo.
If you knew about all this, why didn't you just punch her? He said he'd stopped seeing Ella, but then she won the competition again, and I knew he hadn't.
He always lied.
That's what he was like.
But he'd never have left me.
I'm so sorry.
But what about the poisoned quiche? Just go away! If I had a girlfriend who'd shagged my man If you had a man.
If I had a man.
.
.
I wouldn't hug her - I'd rip her eyes out.
I did the PR for the wife of a film star when they were going through a divorce, after he'd had an affair with her sister.
And what I did for her was dignity.
Dignity? Yeah.
She forgave her sister on Oprah.
There was a big hug, and she got a huge settlement.
Afterwards, it transpired that she'd never loved him, and the sisters had played this long game in order to disgrace him and get their hands on his millions.
Well, that's the world of movie stars - they're all crazy.
They're still people.
And there was something stagey about Jo's hug.
There's been something staged about her ever since he died.
You don't think they're in it together, do you? I think if the police got them in for questioning, frightened them a bit, one of them would crack.
Yeah, but they're not going to do that, are they? They're not daft.
Inspector Wilkes, Murder Squad.
Ahem! South Gloucestershire Police.
How can we help you? Inspector, this is Agatha Raisin.
I think Andy Cummings-Browne was murdered.
And I have two suspects.
'I told you our luck would change! 'Get the sausages on - I'm famished.
'Agatha! Where are you going? 'I'm just going to look at my cottage.
'Dinna be too long, Aggie.
Your dinner will be ready.
OK, Dad.
'Any more of these lagers?' I warned you.
What are you doing? Get back! Come on, then! Stay away! Don't chase him.
We've all seen who he is.
Are you all right? Er no, not really.
Let's get you into your house.
Aaargh! What happened? She's just been attacked by John Cartwright.
Put your arm here.
OK.
One, two three.
I'm heavy-boned.
Let me do it.
Let's get you some sweet tea.
Bill said they're releasing the two jailbirds you got taken in for questioning.
Do they know it was me who called the police? Not if I don't tell them.
But they might guess by themselves.
I was right, though, wasn't I? There was a murderer in the village.
He tried to take me out because he thought I was onto him.
Well, you've covered your bases by accusing everyone in Carsely.
Yeah, well, we we don't need to tell anyone about that, do we? We won't say anything.
Thank you.
Thanks for your help.
Well, we had a motive to keep you alive, Mrs.
Raisin.
We were coming to find you.
Why? We know what everyone in the village thinks of us.
That we're useless.
But we've borrowed a bit of money and set up a firm in my dad's garage selling second-hand quad bikes.
You two are running a business? We've got a website and a few orders, but we could do with some help with publicity.
You're big in PR, aren't you? Well, I was.
I'm not really anything any more.
Are you all right, Agatha? She's in shock.
We're both in shock.
You've had some orders for those things? I'd love to help.
We'll leave it with you.
Well, everyone out, cos I need get round to the Cartwrights, but I'll come back straight away.
I'll stay with her.
Are you all right with him staying here? I don't have to go.
Go on, Bill.
She'll be all right.
Excuse me.
We've found loads of stuff in Cartwright's shed.
The stuff burgled from Mrs.
Raisin's last week, and a few others in Moreton-in-Marsh.
That was all Cartwright? Why did he attack Mrs.
Raisin? She didn't accuse him of murder.
She's been snooping around his wife, asking about the Cummings-Browne death, but she said he couldn't bake a quiche to save his life, and on the night Cummings-Browne died, they were both down the club in Cirencester.
He must have thought she was snooping about the burglaries.
Have we got him? His van was seen heading down the Fosse.
'Attention all units.
'The suspect John Cartwright 'has been apprehended south of Princethorpe.
' I'll pass that on, Bill.
John Cartwright had nothing to do with Andy's death.
She says she's very sorry for interfering with police business.
Yes, she's very sorry.
Bye.
I've made a right mess of things, haven't I? Oh! I don't know what I was thinking about.
I've never going to fit in here.
I'm going to go back to London.
Don't be put off.
Stop this madness.
Just give things time.
I used to be someone, you know.
I had my own business and I was bloody good at what I did.
I don't doubt it.
And now the highlight of my week is seeing Mrs.
Boggle urinate by the side of the road.
I'll have to go, before I face the wrath of your sister and Jo.
Miaow! Hello, you! We're going to go back to London, aren't we? And we're going to make it sit up and take notice again.
Pedmans closed the little office and moved us to their big place in Aldwych.
Come on! You and I both know clients don't like the corporate stuff.
It's the personal touch they like.
So I have a proposition for you.
I'm setting up business again, and I want you to be my partner.
I'll give you 20 23 25% of the company.
25% of what, Aggie? All your clients have come to Pedmans.
They're happy there.
I'm happy there.
I'm ecstatic for you.
Great.
All right, then, I'll set up on my own.
I'll give the cat 25% of the company.
Why, Aggie? What do you need to prove? I need to prove I need to prove that Cummings-Browne was murdered.
Because I don't know.
I just feel it.
I feel it in my bones.
And when have you ever known my bones to be wrong about anything? OK.
Who did your bones first tell you was the killer? His wife.
Then trust that, Aggie.
And think it through.
The thing I don't understand is why his wife would stay with him if she knew he'd slept with everyone.
Some women are pleased their men go elsewhere.
No, they're not! They are.
They're not.
They are.
Fidelity is not important to them.
But they would have some other hold they would protect violently if it was threatened.
Like status or money? Exactly.
A woman like this would be very protective of the hold that her money, say, had on him.
The psychological profile has been well mapped Oh, God! .
.
by Jung, Freud .
Argh! Have a nice day.
I realise I'm the last person you ever want to see again, but No, you're the second-last person.
I really need to know.
I want you to tell me again how you think cicuta could have got into No.
Please go away.
Please! OK.
Who is the last person you ever want to see again? That Mrs.
Cummings-Browne.
Every time the door opens, I dread looking up in case it's her.
She came here? The day after the inquest.
What did she want? £100,000.
Out of court.
Said if I didn't settle, she'd sue me for every penny I had.
What did you say? I told her it wasn't my quiche.
Wasn't it? You're not the only one who cheats, Agatha.
That weekend, I was at my cousin's in Devon.
We have the same business.
And although we say "baked on the premises", I borrowed some of his quiche, so we didn't have to come back a day early.
Yours was one of his.
Why didn't you say all this at the inquest? My cousin's daughter Her husband is not yet registered with the British authorities.
This boy is working for his father-in-law without a permit, so I didn't want the police snooping around.
And when you told Jo all this, what did she do? Well, I thought she would sue my cousin, but she cooled down straight away and withdrew all demands for money.
I've no idea why.
I think I do.
Mrs.
Josephs.
Hi.
Do you have a moment? Hello, Agatha.
How nice to see you.
There was a rumour you'd left the village.
Sheila Barr was beside herself with happiness.
Hello, little one.
I just wanted to thank you for the kitten.
It's so hard to find good homes for them.
Also, I can't stop thinking about the photographic slideshow from the other night.
I just wondered if I could show Gemma and Kyra a few of them? We're fascinated by photography.
Of course.
I could get them up on the computer.
What am I looking at here? Look closer.
I don't know.
Oh, for God's sake, Bill, what kind of plant is that? cicuta? -Yes! So Jo used cicuta in her flower arrangement three years ago.
What does that prove? It proves she knew the plant.
I knew the plant.
No, you didn't.
You had to look it up in your little black book a week ago.
And secondly, why did she withdraw the threat of legal action against Mr Economides when she found out the quiche was baked in Devon? Does cicuta grow in Devon? No, it doesn't.
It only grows in certain parts of Britain, and Jo would have known that.
She's guilty as sin! I'm not arresting that woman again, Agatha.
She had no motive.
She knew of his affairs and was able to live with them.
And no baking had taken place in the kitchen for days.
We're going to be late, Bill.
Let it go.
Where are you going? Dress rehearsal in the village hall.
Andy used to do the lighting.
We said we'd help out.
There's an oven in the village hall, isn't there? Ooohh Oooh Sarah, give it more OOOHHH! OOOOH! This light's much too bright, Bill.
What I need, when we see Sarah, we want a real sense of the moral sewer.
Do you think we could try and capture that? Oh, sorry! Bill! Let me.
Try the Fresnels, Mr Lacey.
I need to believe you.
Great.
Put that on the stage.
Oooohhh! Thunder coming up Can I help you? Mmm? I thought you'd left the village.
No.
No.
I was just listening in.
I'm very excited about seeing this play and I thought I might be able to get a sneak preview.
Hi.
Hi.
Agatha was wanting to buy a ticket.
I was telling her they're £4.
50 and can be purchased from the vicarage.
And we don't allow sneak previews, Agatha.
OK.
Well, I'll go to the vicarage and get myself a ticket, then.
Thank you.
You've just got to press that and it records.
I know.
Agatha, what a surprise.
I want to talk to you.
Is it about the tickets? I've just put some coffee on.
Would you like some? Come in.
Would you like sugar, Agatha? Yes, of course.
Now what is it? Thank you.
I know you murdered your husband.
And why would I do that? Oh, I think you planned it for some time.
You baked a poisoned quiche in the village hall, so you could take it home saying it was one of the competition entries.
And it just happened to be me that submitted a spinach one and left it behind.
And then you, being the money-grabbing cow that you are, thought you would blackmail the deli, until you realised the spinach had been cooked in Devon, where there's no cicuta.
And I know that you know what cicuta is, because you used it in your flower arranging.
Yes, Mrs.
Josephs told me you'd asked for a photocopy of that picture.
I'm right, though, aren't I? Agatha, darling, I knew he played around.
If he was doing that elsewhere, at least he wasn't trying to do it with me, was he? Which, frankly, was a relief.
But you minded when he struck up with Maria Borrow, didn't you? When you realised he was going to trade you in for an even richer woman.
Didn't like that, did you? When did you realise that that he'd agreed to marry her? That he was going to trade you in .
.
for crazy Maria? Maria, crazy money The coffee You think you're so clever, don't you? Well, only a crass idiot would drop in to accuse a poisoner and then drink her coffee.
What are you doing? What? What are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? What am I doing? I'm hiding behind some bins.
Oh.
I was just thinking maybe I should talk to Jo.
Something Agatha said about the cicuta.
Why are you hiding behind some bins? Waiting for Agatha.
Why? Where is she? Coffee The crazy money It's just horse tranquiliser, Agatha.
Nothing to worry about.
Don't I'm putting the script down here.
I've laid it all out.
Crazy Nice hot coal.
Here's what I'm going to do with the script.
It'll be such a sad accident.
And so good that the house is heavily insured.
Crazy Coming! Bill.
I was just about to take Tarzan for a walk.
Is it urgent? Well, I just had a couple of questions, really, Jo.
Can I come in? Can we talk and walk, as I'm rather late? He'd just like to know why you didn't sue Mr.
Economides over the death of your husband.
Well, because it was a genuine accident.
I didn't want the hassle.
It had nothing to do with cicuta not growing in Devon? Well, why would it? Is something on fire in there? No, I don't think so.
There's smoke - look.
Help me! Oh, my God, that's Agatha! Go after her! Get off me! Get off! Get off me! Why are you running, Jo? Agatha! AGATHA! Agatha! Sad accident Hellooo Crazy money Hello, Roy.
Coffee crazy money Yeah, very good.
They're the only things you've said for about twelve hours.
What are you doing here? I'm opening a florist.
What does it look like? Of course I'm here.
Gemma called me.
Any of these flowers from James Lacey? No, mostly from DC Wong, who sat outside the door all night with his cougar crush.
I was right.
WE were right.
Where do you think you're going? I'm going home.
And where is that, Aggie? # I was stuck on a losing streak But you helped me to find my feet # I was trying to find another girl # A change of scenery # But it seemed every door to me was closed # Now it's all history # Now I find myself looking in the mirror # Admiring what I see # Everything's fine now I'm here I was stuck on a losing streak Nice to see you.
Good to see you! And now that you've settled into your new life, Agatha, how does it make you feel? Anxious? Lonely? Unloved? Like you've just given up? No, no, no, don't Be quiet! .
.
And found my way back home.