Ally Mcbeal s03e10 Episode Script

¢ÜSee me ¢ÜFeel me John.
Ally? What are you doing here? Oh, I've been working.
You,you've been here the whole time? Yeah.
I'm kind of backed up lately, you know.
Remnants? Uh backed up in work.
Oh right.
Me too.
¢Ü Touch me Sorry? I didn't say anything.
What's wrong, Ally? Nothing's wrong.
I I'm just working late.
I, I don't even like dating.
And n-nothing is wrong.
No, I mean, a light, lovely snowfall going on out there, and we're in here being lawyersright down to the last minute of the day.
I promised myself I'd never become my father ¢Ü Listen to you, I get the music And how is it? How is what? How is it you and I can standright in front of each other's noses every day, and not see what's right in front of each other's noses? ¢Ü Gazing at you, I feel the heat Following you, I climb the mountain I get excitement at your feet Right behind you Oh.
Hi.
Are you awake? Why are you in my bed? I had a dream.
Talk.
I think it was more like an epiphany.
It involved John Cage.
Now, Renee, don't think I'm crazy,but I think he's the One.
John Cage and I -- he's the One.
Phew.
Oh, Ally, the Biscuit's looking for you.
He is? W-well why? Did he say whatever he wanted? No.
Well, did he tell you anything?Well, what was he wearing? Ally, uh, new case.
I may need you to second-chair.
Oh.
Ugh.
Is he still doing that? I like it.
Uh, Billy? Excuse me.
Stay.
"Stay"? They heel and they stay? Wh, uh, wh-what else do they, uh ? ! I have a meeting with Charles Ramos,head of Bell Computers, today.
And what? He's another Neanderthalwho responds to an entourage of bimbos? It's a look.
Oh, yes.
It's a look, and ---- Ally, I have a snowball's chanceat best to land a client this big.
We're taliking about a companywith a revenue stream of over $500 million.
And if dripping with girls helps you land the account? Then I'll drip.
Because? There's a new man in town.
Exactly.
John? You want me? Uh, duh, uh, the Kristen case.
No, I was looking for the trial schedule, but I found it.
Great.
Mm-hm.
So? How's it going? Fine.
Why? Well, [We haven't.]
spoken in a while, and, you know, I just like to be caught up on where you're at.
Are you dying? No I'm not dying.
Why? Is that what people think of me? If I take an interst in somebody else's life,that I must be dying? Yes.
Well uh, no.
I, I just wanted to know how it was going with a friend.
That's all, buddy.
Are you sick? Forget it.
Ally? What's wrong? Uh, nothing.
Fine.
You sure? Um I'm sure.
Uh uh,why are you taking off your ? I got a potential date.
A friend of a friend.
He just called, he's in the building.
He sounded so incredible! I have these pants for these kinds of emergencies.
They're marinated in pheromones.
You have pants that are marinated in pheromones? You can't smell it.
But it works.
Trust me.
There have been studies.
How do I look? Fine.
It's tough to meet the right man, Ally.
You got to put in the effort.
There.
Elaine? Have you ever met anybodythat you think would be you know, right for me? No.
Nobody? No, it's not that you're not a wonderful person, Ally.
It's just that you're so complicated.
Mm-hm.
The only person I know who would match up at allwould be John Cage.
But you don't want to be with him.
I don't? Why? Do you? No.
No! He's with Nelle, he's out of the question.
But, but why do you think that we, eh, well, him and me ? Come on, isn't it obvious? I mean,you've both got that inner world thing going.
And you get him a lot better than Nelle does.
And if you ask me, he gets you better than Billy ever did.
You okay? What? Oh, f-f-fine.
Um e-e-excuse me.
Excuse me.
Ooh! Oh, [god.]
, hey! John! Hi! How's it going? Um, still fine.
Yes, what, after all of two minutes --no change.
He-he-he-he, he, ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, th-that's, that's funny.
I Uh, you have a good sense of humor.
I hmm I like that! All right.
What's going on? I'm just, uh adjusting to the new millennium.
Elaine? Bob? Hi.
Nice to meet you! You too! You had a great voice on the phone,but you're better-looking in person.
Oh, well, thank you.
You too, actually.
Well, shall we go? Listen.
I lied about wanting to have lunch.
I hate lunch dates.
I just agreed to them because it's saferthan going out at night with a total stranger.
But now that we've met, forget lunch.
Let's make it dinner.
Fine by me.
Great.
Eight o'clock, you could pick me up here.
I'll pick the restaurant.
Well, that's easy enough.
Uh, until then.
Until then.
Oh, and again -- nice to meet you.
You too.
That was pretty deft, Elaine.
It doesn't just happen, Ally.
If you want to end up with Mr.
Right,you have to make it happen.
Did you hear that? What? Nothing.
Nothing.
You know, when something's the matter, we usually tell each other.
Ugh.
Did you ever Um John, if I were to meet a guy who could be the One, who but he's sort of involved with somebody else -- how involved, I don't know -- but he could be the One That happened to me.
It did? Mm-hm.
This woman,I was convinced that she and I were But she was still Well, I mean,she wasn't still seeing her old boyfriend, but um there was stuff going on.
He was my friend.
But she I've never met anybody like her.
She got me like ---- And, and what did you do? Well, I went ahead and, uh,asked her out.
How could I not? And what happened? Oh, the date, that was an utter disaster.
But, um, at least I took the chance.
[I'd.]
never have forgiven myself if I hadn't.
Mm.
It was a disaster? Total.
But we still remain friends.
In fact, I think we're the best of friends.
Do I know her? Some days, yes; others, no.
What does that mean? Ally, it was you.
Me? Yeah.
It's funny, huh? Yeah.
What's wrong? Nothing's wrong.
Why? You were staring into the mirror.
That's what you do when something's wrong.
Maybe I just like looking at myself.
Ever consider that? Fine.
Don't tell me.
Okay.
Okay, okay, I will tell you.
I know this guy.
I, I've actually known him for a long time, and well, I think he could be perfect for me.
The thing is, is he has a girlfriend.
Ally, there's always a girlfriend.
The best men are always taken.
If you don't steal them, you don't get them.
That seems ---- Are we talking about somebody who'd be a fun date, or is this more about your life's content? The One? The latter.
The One.
And you're going to hold back out of what? Courtesy to some woman you're not even friends with? Ally, most women never even meet that man, let alone have a chance to be with him.
If he's there ---- W-well, what if it doesn't work out? I mean, what if I just end up ruining everythingbetween him and his girlfriend? You're worried about him? Well yeah.
Then, forget it.
If it's his interest we're looking out for, then, I don't think you should go near him.
Thank you, Ling.
You've been a big help.
Uh hey.
What's that? Shoes.
Oh, no.
Oh, John.
Oh, oh, don't tell meyou've got a fetish for shoes.
I don't have a ---- At first the spanking ---- I do not have a fetish.
Well, who are the shoes for? Well, if you must know -- you.
Ha ha Me? Yes.
Put them on.
Wow! Oh, they're beautiful! Ah.
I love them! Watch.
[Peep.
.]
That's what they're for.
What do you mean, you quit? I'm sorry.
I just It's just not working out for me.
Why? It just isn't.
I, I thank you for the opportunity ---- Sandy, I think at least you owe me an explanation.
Okay.
I think you're a jerk.
Oh.
Don't misunderstand.
You're a fantastic guy, under the layer of jerk.
But ---- Is there something that happened? I'm a legal secretary.
It's a good job.
Good career, actually.
I like to take it seriously, and I want others to.
And when the lawyer I work for walks around w-w-with Robert Palmer girls, it's it's silly.
You look silly.
And I think it makes me look silly.
I'm sorry.
I never meant to demean you.
I know that.
And, like you say, the look is working.
So, it's my problem, not yours.
I don't want you to leave.
I'll get rid of the girls.
Billy, I'm an assistant.
I shouldn't be telling you ---- I'll get rid of the girls.
I want you to stay.
They're not too perky, are they? Actually they need to look alive.
And awake.
There you go.
Actually There.
What do you think, John? How do her breasts look? Yeah, it's John! hey! How's it going? It's been more than two minutes now.
Still going good? I bet it is! It's not easy!!! Ally? You are behaving so Is it nerves over this dilemma you're having? I, um The man I was talking about I had a dream last night about you.
And me.
Together.
As a couple.
We were standing over by the elevator, and you said something like we've been standing in front of each other's noses the whole time.
And it just hit me.
And, and, when I woke up, it keeps on hitting me, John.
Uh, you know, the way that you can seeinto my imaginary life and, and I can even hear Barry White sometimes and, and a couple of weeks agoyou described yourself as a loner savant.
And you said something about how I brought you out.
And I realized that you bring me out.
So many parts of me, I'm I'm too embarrassed or I'm too scaredto share with anybody else.
I'm so comfortable sharing them with you.
I can't shake it.
I've even got the damn Ikettesrunning around, following me, singing to me, saying how easy it is to fall in love.
I can't shake it.
And then,when you said what you said, uh Oh.
Nelle.
Hello! Hello! ¢Ü We've been friends for, oh, so long Seen where John went? He just hurried by.
Said he'd meet me at the bar.
¢Ü I'll let you share what's mine Oh, the bar.
It's that time, I guess.
¢Ü But when you mess with the boy I love I guess.
You're late.
Where you been? Well, I [had.]
guys to do.
Uh, things to work.
Everything okay? Yeah.
You talked to the Biscuit? I just did.
He ran away.
Mm-hm.
You scared him.
I, I think it was selfish for me to say anything.
I mean, he's got a good thing going with Nelle.
Oh, please.
How good could things be with long, blonde, stuck-up bitch? Gee, Renee.
Why why don't you tell us how you really feel? Oh, yeah! Over here.
I had a really great time! Oh, me too! Amazing, actually.
You're pretty cool, Elaine.
So, I gave you my phone number, right? Yeah.
Home, == cell, and your pagerand your e-mail and, uh What's this one? Well, my high school.
They always know how to track me downto ask for money.
Ha ha.
Well, good night.
Oh, oh.
Come on, I thought the night's so young.
It's quarter to twelve, on a Monday.
Ah I mean, oh, the wine.
Ha ha.
I should get a cup of coffeebefore I make the trip home.
It's so You're walking three blocks.
I, uh I want you.
That's sweet.
Bob.
Uh I don't understand.
I thought you liked me.
I do.
But it's the first date.
Oh, with Danny O'Connell, on the first date, you Danny O'Connell told you about our date? No.
No.
Just What happened after the date? The mutual friend that gave you my number wasthat Danny O'Connell? Uh well, yeah.
Well good night.
Look.
Can I ask you something? Our date, we seemed to be clicking.
I mean, really clicking.
I mean,Danny said you guys had fun, but it wasn't.
Why does he get invited up, but I don't? Because you and I were really clicking.
I thought [maybe.]
Never mind.
So, from what I'm hearing, you might like me more than you did Danny, and yet I'm punished for that? Now, does that seem fair? I should get to come on.
Good night, Bob.
Billy? Walking a little naked today? I don't have any meetings today.
Anything else? No.
Fine, then.
Ally, the Talbot deposition has been cancelled.
Evidently they're willing to settle, and the judge has scheduled a conference.
Uh, well, well, th-that's fantastic.
Yes.
I thought you'd be pleased.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Elaine? How did the date go? Fine.
We got along swimmingly.
He was like a salmon heading upstream to spawn.
Um, um uh, I'll be with you in, in one second.
John! Hi, sweetie.
Everything okay? Yes, fine.
Uh Richard! I need, I need to talk to you.
It's important.
Do people think of me as promiscuous? Well, that's sort of how you bill yourself.
What happened? Nothing.
What happened? The date went great.
It's the first guy I've been in a really long time.
Well, I actually thought you know.
He was a Maybe? Yeah.
Well, it turns out, he went out with me because somebody else I went out with told him that he'd get laid on the first date.
Ow! He's a creep, then.
Not a Maybe.
Yeah.
Elaine? You're right, Ally.
He was a creep.
It shouldn't bother me.
She said that? Yes.
Well, so she had a dream, it doesn't ---- No! It's not the dream.
She was suggesting thatshe and I explore being a couple.
And Richard, I have to admitI've always harbored feelings for Ally.
Gee, there's a flash, huh.
But John, there are ethical considerations here.
The only question you have to ask yourself i-is this: Can you sleep with Ally without Nelle finding out? If you ---- No, that's not the question! I love Nelle.
I do! But Ally -- well, I've always wondered aboutmy special connection with her.
It could go deeper, much deeper.
I don't know this.
It's a feeling.
And the risk of the exploration itself, because I have feelings for Nelle, too.
Do you know what I'm saying? Uh, yes.
You want to have your cakeand eat Ally, too.
It's not ---- Would you please take me seriously, damn it? John who do you want more? I don't know.
I mean,I haven't really explored a relationship with Ally.
And, to be honest,I haven't fully explored one with Nelle yet, either.
Well, look.
Explore Nelle tonight,go spelunking with Ally tomorrow ---- You know, it's just that simple with you, isn't it? Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! It's wattle with Whipper vs.
knee-pit with Ling? Well, you put the "fish" in superficial, damn it! Sex, sex! Fish in superficial? I like that! Georgia, hey! We've missed you! Right.
Georgia? Hello.
Hello.
This is for you.
You're filing for divorce? Renee is representing me.
As soon as you decide on a lawyer,let me know, so we can get them together.
You're filing for divorce just like that? Yes.
And you had to serve the papers yourself? Yes.
Anything I can do? No.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
I feel so awful.
Ally, to get what you deserve in life,you have to take bold steps.
And I deserve what I deserve, right? Absolutely.
I should get my due.
Right on! Ling, hey.
What's up? Why don't you tell me, Ally? Excuse me? I figured it out.
I'm penile psychic.
This love of your life -- it's the funny little man.
Uh, who? Nelle's my friend, Ally.
My best friend.
If you think I'm going to just sit backwhile you steal away this ---- ==, Ling! I ---- You're not even sure if you like men.
You shouldn't be going after other people's ---- I like men! Give me your leg.
No, I am not going to give you my leg! God.
Stop, stop it! Where did you learn Oh, never mind.
Ally, don't do this.
I am not doing anything! I haven't done anything! So, get out! We could put John on it.
But for a divorce case, I'd go with Nelle.
She's your best bet.
I want a team.
I'm not letting her take meto the cleaners on this.
What/A team it is, we're here for you.
Elaine? Hey, I love your new look!Nuns getting action these days? Hey, Richard, go to hell.
Was she mad? Or does she think I'd like it there? I haven't the slightest.
Women --I think they're all nuts, Billy.
Elaine? W-was it something I said? No, it's just It's not important.
A-anything you want to talk about? 'Cause, you know, I could get Ally, or uh, or may, uh maybe John? Richard, if you could describe me with one word, what would it be? Well, uh blonde.
How about an adjective to describe my personality? Oh, okay.
Uh, fun.
That would be it? Fun? Smart.
and you could only use one word.
What would that be? Oh, that's easy.
Well, what would it be? Uh, easy.
Thank you.
Elaine? That's exactly why men date me, Richard: Because I'm easy.
Because they think that I'm easy.
Well, I'm not.
All right? You can spread the damn word.
I'm not easy.
Preaching to the choir, Elaine.
I love sluts.
Great.
Now, she's going through a change! John? Oh, Ally.
Hi.
I was just, uh, pinching my head.
I am so, so, sorry.
I I just want you to know that, that I totally respect you and Nelle as a couple and, and I will never do anything to Well, it was really unfair for me to do what I did.
To do what? Be honest? Yes.
Sometimes, honesty can be selfish.
Ally, it wouldn't have even upset me, if I didn't Didn't what? This is something that has gone unstated for a long time.
We've talked about being soul mates; we talk about the fact that neither of us fit in; how we embrace being odd; how we both live inside our, our inner worlds.
All these fairly peculiar things that we have in common.
And at least on some unconscious level, I'm sure we've both been wonderingif you and I are right for each other.
You didn't stutter once saying that.
I just came from Dr.
Flott.
She's helped me focus on what it isthat I really, truly want in life.
And as I sat across from her, this,this amazing clarity came over me.
The, the common insanity that you and I share, the connection of our inner lives.
I know what I want.
You do? I want Nelle for my girlfriend,and I'd like you as my therapist.
Oh.
Ha ha Well, um gee.
You know, the idea of jeopardizing our friendshipby trying to be a couple, that th-that's an insanity that I'm, I'm, I'm not capable of.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
Yeah.
Well, friends forever? Yep.
Elaine? Y-you look like Miss Hathaway.
Billy can change.
So can I.
Hi! Morning, everybody! Oh, I just said "Morning," Didn't say it was good.
Nelle, while I have you, and just out of curiosity -- how do you think the women here regard me? I'm not sure they do, Elaine.
That was really nice.
What has happened to everybody's sense of humor lately? Life isn't funny! Can you not see that? Ally, you're still thinking about it.
Don't! Ally, morning to you! What is all this "good morning" crap? Is everything all right? Why shouldn't it be? I just picked up you as a patient, and things couldn't be more dandy, could they, John? You're obviously upset with my decision.
No, I I think you made the right call, actually.
Ally, I don't need to tell you how much I adore you and admire you.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I am curious, How did this "clarity" hit you? Well, let's face it.
I'm odd.
I have all these little eccentricities.
And well I admit it, I'm a strange duck.
And for a partner, I think I need somebodywho can just ground me a little.
And you're a, a bigger wacko than me ---- Oh, oh, I'm a wacko? Well, I I mean that affectionately Oh, John, nobody is a bigger wacko than you.
Oh, oh, wait.
Y-you don't need to turn nasty.
Well, how many people look in the mirrorand see Barry White? And b-b-besides Barry.
So, don't be calling me a wacko, thank you very much.
Well, at least I know that he's not really there.
Which is more than I can say for you with Al Green.
Hey, as far as hallucinations go ---- Ooga-chucka, ooga-chucka.
Have you seen any babies run by lately? You know what, John? When you do your first drafts, your feet smell.
Oh Nobody wants to tell you, 'cause they're all afraid that your nose will whistle.
Well, that's nice.
One little rejection, and th-this is what you turn into.
Oh, why don't you just go puh-puh-puh-puh-pokip yourself out of here? You funny little man! Oh, the smile therapy.
What a nut! Elaine? I apologize.
I had a great time.
Elaine, I think you did, too.
And why throw it all away just because You know, I'd like to try again -- just be a perfect gentleman.
You don't be a gentleman, Bob.
Either you are one or you're not.
Elaine ---- I'm not going out with you again.
You know, I'm not the bad guy here.
You went out with me for what you thought I was.
I went out with you for what I thought you were.
And we were both wrong.
Now, beat it.
I'm sorry again.
I know you were right.
You do? I mean, look at us, we're we're already fighting just at the prospect of dating.
Yeah I don't think we've ever exchanged a harsh word before.
You know all of mine came from hurt? I do.
I still love that you're odd.
And I still love all of your eccentricities and and I still love you as a friend.
What do you think that dream was really about? I'm not sure.
Maybe I I'm just so starved for intimacy on, on any level that I might have mistaken the intimacy of a friendshipfor the kind that I don't know.
Mm.
What I do know -- the thought of losing youas my friend and my best friend, it's unthinkable.
Yeah.
To me, too.
So, truce? Treaty.
This looks a little cliched.
Served with divorce papers,you're sitting on a bar stool? I should be out there dancing with Richard? That would be more cliched.
You're a good girl, Sandy.
I'd be asking you to dance, but I'm going home.
Anything else you need upstairs? No.
I'm going, too.
I'll walk you out.
That's all you'll do.
It's all I'm offering.
I got some mascara in my eye or something.
Do you regularly sleep with men on the first date? No.
Then, the guy got it wrong.
And think about what that carwash guy thinks of me.
That was out of character with you, Ally.
I mean, with me, whether or notI actually sleep around or not, the reputation that I have Maybe it's in my character.
Elaine, you you enjoy putting yourself out there as a sexual person.
And, and if some people misconstruethat and think that you're a slut, well, they just get it wrong.
That's all.
It doesn't meanthat you have to start dressing like this.
There's no power in acting the wayyou think other people want you to be.
Now, the truth is, I admire you.
Yeah, right.
No, th-that lecture that you gave me last year.
How, how you like your life; how, how not everybody wants to be doctorsor lawyers or I mean, why do you think I sang that songat the Christmas party last year? I wanted to be you for a night.
Please.
H-h-how many people do you knowmarinate their clothes in pheromones? You're an optimist.
That's what I want to be when I grow up.
I'm lonely.
Yeah.
Well so am I.
There are worse things.
Yeah.
Like what? I was afraid you were going to ask me that.
Could I think about it over dinner, if I buy it? I guess.
You've been awfully pensive lately.
Is anything on your mind? No.
John, something has been going on.
Well, it's nothing we need to talk about, Nelle.
Nothing we need to talk about? We're a couple.
Couples don't have secrets.
Sometimes they do.
Well, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.
You want to know the big secret? Yes, I do.
I love you.