Ally McBeal Episode Scripts
4M14 - Boys Town
I'd like to introduce you to him.
Unfortunately, he's late.
- Who is this? - Jackson Duper.
Today's my first day here.
- I don't like him.
- Why?   Elaine hasn't stopped sweating since he got here.
- I want to share something with you.
- What?   What is this?   - You don't tell your real name? - For all I knew, you could   - You knew me enough to sleep with me.
- Look   Why the alias? You "wanted"? Certainly not by me.
Will you marry me?   The idea of being institutionalized is repugnant to me.
Even if the institution is marriage.
- What are you saying? - I don't believe in marriage.
I'm just gonna put it out here.
Ling and I got biblical one night after we met in a bar.
- You had sex? - Yes.
I want to beat him up.
Grab his throat and pound him.
Who are you kidding? You couldn't even take Ling.
Stop it! Stop it!   - Hey, Ling.
Working late? - Catalogs.
I can't keep up.
You want to play catch?   - Do I want to play catch? - Yeah, I've been feeling a little   disconnected lately.
I thought maybe a little   - We could throw the ball around? - It works.
I'm trying, which is more than I can say for   Richard, I'm heading out.
Do you?   Hey.
- What? - That's my glove.
RICHARD: Oh, I JOHN: You took my glove.
Actually, it's a firm glove.
It is not a firm glove.
It's my mitt.
Give it back.
Don't yank it! I don't see your name.
- It says Ty Cobb.
- It's my special glove!   - Give it, Richard! - Don't you just snatch it!   Hey!   [SCREAMING]   Come on, Richard.
It's just a glove.
Whoa, what's going on?   It's not all about you, Jackson.
This is a partnership dispute.
- Thief! - Repugnant.
JOHN: Stop it! RICHARD: Give it.
[CRASHING]   VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road   Boys Town   Walking the line That's painted by pride   And I have made mistakes in my life   That I just can 't hide   Oh, I believe I am ready   For what love has to bring   I got myself together   Yeah, now I'm ready to sing   I've been searching my soul tonight   I know there's so much more to life   Now I know I can shine a light   To find my way back home   Oh, baby, yeah   Oh, yeah   Oh, excuse me.
May I help you?   - Ling, is that you? - I'm sick of the cold.
[GROWLS]   - Oh, excuse me.
- That's all right.
What's up?   I'm off to a staff meeting.
Well, I won't keep you.
- Is it hot in here, Elaine? - What? Why?   I just hope you're not running a fever.
- Is there a problem, Mark? - I'm just concerned for your health.
Let's get started.
Mackie versus Albright.
JACKSON: I just got that.
My client's a senior partner who fired all of her male attorneys.
She's being sued for sexual discrimination.
- That's Renee's.
- Excuse me?   My roommate, Renee, is representing Mackie, the guy who got fired.
- She any good? - Are you kidding? Pretty.
You like big knockers?   - I meant as a lawyer.
- She's very good.
I only have two days.
I could use help, preferably a woman.
- Ling? - Actually, I am free.
No, never mind.
John?   He wants a woman.
Do I look like a woman, jit-wad?   In lieu of a woman, he could use a lawn jockey.
- All right.
He started it.
- Shh! - Shh!   - You don't come here during the day.
- Why are you in my hole?   You were upset last night, and you wouldn't talk about it.
If something's troubling you, I knew you'd come in here.
John?   - Richard.
- What about him?   Well, he's my partner.
And my best friend.
And   And?   - And I hate him.
- No, you don't.
I'm really angry at him a lot lately.
And last night, he took my baseball glove without asking.
You're mad at your best friend because he took your baseball glove?   - No.
But without asking.
- You're 35 years old.
But he does these things to impose and reimpose the idea that he's dominant.
Why does he get to run the staff meeting every day and say:   "Next up, first up, moving on," all the things that people in charge say?   I'm a better lawyer than he is, and he treats me like a midget.
I would never just take his glove.
I'm filled with rancor.
That's what I am.
I'm filled with rancor.
- You ever think about couples therapy? - I beg your pardon?   It's not just for romantic relationships.
- Best friends go.
- Oh, come on.
You do love Richard.
He loves you.
If this friendship is deep enough to profoundly upset you, why not fix it?   - Well - Oh, I know this amazing therapist.
My former boyfriend and I used to go to him.
He worked wonders.
Melanie, you backed up over your former boyfriend with a truck.
[STUTTERING]   He's good.
You want to work things out.
What have you got to lose?   She walked in and said, "I'm sorry   we no longer employ male attorneys," then fired me.
- Just like that? - Just like that.
She wanted the firm free of all sexual currents.
And to accomplish this, she was discharging all the men.
Mackie, had she given you any indication this was coming?   All the partners were females.
Maybe that should have been some indication.
But nothing prepared me for the idea   that she'd just start firing all the male associates.
- Are you married? - No, I'm not.
- Do you have a girlfriend? - No.
- How often do you think about sex? - Objection!   My client was ridding her firm of sexual energy.
Whether the witness thinks about sex during work is relevant.
Speed it up.
How many times a day do you think about sex?   I don't know.
I certainly don't keep track.
Do you ever fantasize what it would be like   to kiss my client or perhaps make love to her?   Where is this going?   I promise to show you, if you'll just let me finish.
- Your Honor? - I'll allow it.
But hurry up.
Have you fantasized about making love to Miss Albright?   - No.
- No?   - No.
- Never?   A single man working with her? Making love to her never crossed your mind?   - That's your truthful testimony? - I certainly didn't dwell on it.
- But you thought about it.
- What normal man wouldn't?   "What normal man wouldn't?" Thank you.
How much time have you spent preparing for trial?   By that I mean, depositions, meeting with counsel   About six months.
Six months, working side by side with Miss Radick.
- Ever fantasize about her? - Objection!   My relationship has been professional.
I understand that.
But, come on.
A woman like this?   - You had to at least think about it.
- I never acted on it.
- Your Honor.
- Miss Woo, could you stand up?   - Why? - Miss Woo.
I'm going to ask your opinion as a normal, red-blooded man   which you stated you were.
If she worked in the office with you, as a normal man   might you fantasize about her sexually?   Mr.
Mackie?   Even if I did   that wouldn't make me a lesser attorney, Mr.
So your answer's yes?   Nothing further.
Thank you, Miss Woo.
[GROWLS]   He's upset at me, but I don't know what about.
Well, did you ask?   When he acts like this, I get upset and don't want to talk.
Well, you know, Elaine, here is a tip.
When two people are upset with each other, talking is a good thing.
- It doesn't work that way with me.
- Why not?   Because we get angry.
Then we yell.
Then we say things we regret.
Then we apologize.
Then I take my clothes off.
I don't want to do that.
After the apologies, could you just not take your clothes off?   My problem is, I don't know how to be neutral.
The only time I don't love my man is when I hate him.
As soon as I stop hating, I'm right back to loving.
I'd rather hate him.
There's more dignity in it.
- Well - Could you stay out of it?   Go call Larry or something.
Just leave me alone.
I'll just let you wallow in the dignity of hate then.
You wanted me here as a male-fantasy prop?   I have a very difficult defense.
And our client is obviously guilty under   the law.
- You humiliated me.
I didn't intend to.
Without reducing you to a prop   you're like this goddess.
I called you to trap the witness.
- Trap him? - Yes.
If he said he'd never fantasize about you, the jury might think him a liar.
- Lf he said yes, that proves my point.
- What point?   - Men can't help but think of sex.
- Whether you believe   Our client believes it.
I'm setting up her testimony.
- How dare you?! - Oh, Renee.
Sorry? You're sorry?   The fact that you're beautiful and sexy played into our case.
It could've been malpractice if I didn't take advantage.
I didn't mean to be inappropriate.
Well, you were.
- Could I step out of my robe? - I'd vomit.
I speak to you, not as a judge, but as a woman.
It's one thing for you to single out a female player in this case   and identify her as a sexual being.
I can tolerate you picking two.
But when you acknowledge all of the female players as sex objects   excluding only one? I find it rude.
As well as bad lawyering.
It certainly won't help your client to alienate the judge.
And as a footnote, plenty of boys go for the big girl.
You have much to learn about practicing law.
I can see that.
- Therapy? - He's evidently a wonderful counselor.
I'd sooner see my proctologist than a head shrinker.
- You see? - Poop.
Poop?   - You two work it out.
- He wants to work it out with you.
I'm a pretty open-minded man, but therapists, shrinks, psychologists?   They're all sex pervs who grew up reading Freud.
What an auto-wanker.
He died with calluses on both hands.
- It's wrong for men to share feelings.
- Wrong?   My father? With men, it's a handshake, stiff upper lip.
Men don't say "I love you" to other men.
That's a gay thing.
- A gay thing? - Your father never said he loved you?   Oh, he didn't have to.
He'd say, "Monbouquette.
"   - Monbouquette? - I gotta go.
- Hey, Mark.
- Hey, Elaine.
- Oh, I've been meaning to bring it up.
- What?   I don't think it's working out between us.
Are you saying we need to talk or that we're done?   Um   We're done.
- Mark? Mark? - Oh, hey, Ally.
Oh, never mind, "Hey, Ally.
"   You just don't   end a relationship like that.
- How should I have done it? Lie? - No.
- Cheat? - No.
Move to Detroit?   Okay.
This is anger.
Since Larry left, you look for new projects.
Don't make me one.
You know, Mark, you are a nice guy.
You're a kind person.
But what you did to Elaine was cruel.
And your remarks to me were also cruel.
Now that is my observation.
I'm gonna leave it at that.
Oh, hey, Mark.
How's it going?   Do you think if two people fight, they should just waltz off to therapy?   - Hey, Richard? - Yeah?   Mind your own damn business!   I thought it was my business.
Elaine? If two people come apart   don't you think therapy's just a big waste of time?   Thank you for your encouragement   you insensitive, mean-spirited, pig-headed dope.
I'm   Other than my ex-husband, I have absolutely nothing against men.
- But you fired all male lawyers.
In fact, you fired all male employees, the secretaries and clerks.
- Could you tell us why?   You already touched on one of the reasons.
Men are prone to sexual distraction.
They're less focused.
- Isn't that a bit of a generalization? - Yes.
- One might even say a bigotry? - One might.
But bigotry is a generalization based on ignorance.
Mine happens to be accurate.
Men think about sex all day.
- What, and women don't? - Not like men.
- Aren't some women's libidos? - Yes.
Another reason for a single-sex firm.
Women get distracted too.
Just like we're seeing the proliferation of single-sex schools   where kids can learn better   so can they work better in a single-sex private company.
Why not hire and fire on merit?   Are all your female employees better than the male?   I'm not saying that.
I choose to have a single-sex firm.
- Why'd you choose women? - Well, because I am one.
I also believe women make better lawyers.
- Why's that? - We're smarter.
RENEE: Women are smarter than men? GLORIA: In dispute resolution.
Women work things out.
In law, settling cases is preferable to litigation.
Women usually don't fall prey to the insipid warrior instincts men have.
Gee, it sounds like you do hate men a little.
How soon after your divorce did you fire all the men?   - Objection.
That's just my "warrior instinct.
How soon after your divorce did you fire all the men?   A few months? But it had nothing to do with that.
- He had an affair? - Objection.
Let's stick to the case.
As I understand it, you fired all the men because women are smarter.
You levied this mass boom months after your husband left you, correct?   - Correct.
- Nothing further.
[BAGPIPES PLAYING]   RICHARD: Bagpipes?   He hasn't been this upset since his frog died.
- What's wrong? - He's upset.
Go in   - Let me see him.
- Excuse me.
It's not John's problem, but Richard's.
Excuse me, but I've known John a little longer than you.
He tried to spank you.
I know your history.
- Girls - Maybe he could spank you.
That way we'd know if you could take a licking and keep on ticking.
Let me talk to him.
John?   - I wrote you a song.
- Oh, really?   [DISCORDANT SQUEALING]   It captures you.
Let's get therapy.
Why should I give him anything?   Because first off, $50,000 really isn't that much.
Second, that little revelation about your husband didn't help.
If I pay out on one, I'll have to pay out on all.
Jackson, I think you've done a wonderful job.
We can win with the verdict.
That's what I want.
You don't realize   When my mind's made up, my mind's made up.
We keep going.
- Well See you tomorrow? - Hey, bright and early.
It's not like we can't win.
And you have been good.
I'm sorry about that whole prop   I know.
I'm sorry Richard's hostile.
He's been a little   I know.
I'm gonna go.
Do you want to grab some dinner?   - I don't think that's a good idea.
- You're right.
It's   It's just nice working with you.
It's nice working with you too.
First of all, let me thank you both for selecting me as your therapist.
I realize you have a lot of choices.
I hope your experience will be a pleasant one.
- Sounds like an airline.
- Second   let me congratulate you for having the courage to confront your problems.
May I see the baseball glove in question?   I understand playing catch was an important part in both your childhoods.
Let me salute you both on that.
Is it possible to just cut to the problem?   Yes, Richard.
Let me applaud your willingness to do so.
Why don't we start with you first.
And as we talk, if you don't mind   I would like to close my eyes and let your words wash over me.
- Well, I - Why does he get to go first?   My problem is that he always goes first.
His needs are always prioritized over those of others.
The horror is compounded when you consider   that the center of his very being is nothing but sex and money.
Imagine being subordinated to such an empty, vapid bag.
Let me commend you on your feelings and your ability to articulate them.
Your eyes are open.
My words can't wash over you?   This is what I have to deal with.
This funny little duck   JOHN: What else can you expect from someone who tries to steal a glove.
- He's too cheap to buy one.
- He's like that dwarf Grumpy.
- He's too cheap.
Let me congratulate you both on your incredible candor   Balls with the kudos, you hack.
As much as I'm here for you   there is no place for that kind of behavior, John.
- What's up? - Not much.
- What's up with you? - Nothing.
- Ally, look - No need to explain.
I'd like to.
When I was in college, I did a lot of squats and I had a great   ass.
And now, it's not that it's terrible, but   What?   - Men care about their? - I guess   I am threatened over this Jackson Duper.
I know Elaine goes for   That's the problem that I have with Elaine.
Women shouldn't lust after guys.
It's There's   - Forget it.
- You don't think women lust?   They shouldn't.
Even allowing for the possibility that women lust   they shouldn't do it openly, which Elaine does.
It's rude and unladylike.
And we should be, above anything else, ladylike?   - And that's why you dumped Elaine? - Yes.
You heard what she said.
Women are smarter than men.
Women make for better mediators.
If that's not gender bias   And men are more easily sexually distracted than women.
They can't control themselves.
What is that?   Here's a tip.
Speaking as a man   when we meet a woman for the first time, we're not thinking:   "She looks intelligent.
We go straight for the body parts.
The first thing we ask when we see a woman is:   "Would I, or wouldn't I?" Are we proud of it? No.
But men do get more easily distracted by sex.
There's no evidence Mr.
Mackie was distracted.
Just because Mr.
Duper goes around asking, "Would I, or wouldn't I?"   don't saddle all men with his Neanderthal outlook.
What's wrong with single-sex companies?   We're doing it with schools.
Studies have shown men and women can learn and concentrate better.
If we're doing it in schools, why not do it in businesses and law firms?   Elaine, could you come in here a second, please?   - What? - Mark has something to say.
Mark?   I'm sorry.
I don't want to stop seeing you but   But what?   It bothers me when you overtly grovel over other men.
The way you sweat every time you simply look at Jackson.
I don't mean to.
And I would never act on it.
Come on, as signals go, sweating puts out a pretty good one.
- This is why you broke up with me? - It's insulting.
These are the same old issues.
The Vi-Bra, the   No, it's not that, Elaine.
This goes beyond.
Being flamboyant or sexual is one thing.
Showing interest in other men is another.
I don't do it to you.
I don't want it done to me.
It's not about a glove or me.
- I know this man.
It's about Melanie.
- You don't know anything.
It's my turn.
Let your words wash over him when I'm done.
Did you say "Mozambique"?   That's how his father expressed affection.
Talk about weird.
My favorite pitcher for the Red Sox, Bill Monbouquette   was also my father's favorite.
It was a bonding thing.
He didn't have to say, "I love you.
"   He'd go, "Monbouquette" and I got it.
It was his way.
- I got it.
- That why the glove was such an issue?   The issue is, Melanie turned you down.
You're the one projecting.
He's upset over Melanie.
I know him when he gets lonely   and this is lonely John Cage in all his ugliness.
You might ask him what he was doing with the glove.
He wanted to play catch with Ling because he's jealous of her ex.
His idea of intimacy is a game of pickle.
- Not true! - It's my turn to wash over him!   - I'll thank you to shut up! - You little runt!   He just called me a runt! I demand to be mollified.
Are you both lonely?   It's not a trick question.
Are you lonely?   It hurts that she turned me down.
I asked to get married.
- She didn't reject you.
She - Doesn't want to marry me.
She brings up couples counseling for me and Richard.
What's that say?   It says that she knows you're upset over your estrangement from Richard.
She said she'd work on it.
Give her time.
'Tis the season for melancholy.
Mark and Elaine are done   - They're back together.
I fixed it.
- You think you can fix everything.
- What? Ally? - What did you just say?   I didn't say anything.
Are you okay?   Yeah.
You'll work it out with Richard.
You'll work it out with Melanie because you love her and   The alternative is too unthinkable.
And the alternative is too unthinkable.
- We've got a problem.
- What?   The jury wants to know how long Mackie worked at the firm.
They're measuring damages.
We need another offer on the table.
- I'll call Gloria, then Renee.
- Elaine? Do me a favor.
Draft me up a settlement agreement.
I need a boilerplate to file today.
Right on it.
First, let me say what a wonderful session this has been.
Your lives are deepening.
With inner exploration   comes growth.
And with that growth, pains.
Happy? I'll ask you once more to just cut to it.
And please don't commend me for the question.
You've both opened yourselves to love.
You with Ling, Richard.
And John, you with Melanie.
With those loves threatened, you've regressed into a place of security   that being your mutual friendship with each other.
You've become more demanding in that friendship.
You each want the other to fill a void.
And with this new demand comes frustration and anger.
John, you first.
If this relationship with Melanie fails   Richard becomes a focal point in your life again.
This scares you.
This materialistic, sex-driven, hollowed-out shell of a person   who locates esteem in his wealth.
Who wouldn't be mortified to have him as a best friend?   And Richard, with the loss of Ling, your life turns again   to John, this odd, little, disenfranchised eccentric.
The idea of being drawn into his world triggers a fear   of becoming aberrant yourself, with perhaps a need of medication.
For the first time, you've both held this friendship   up to real scrutiny, and revealed it to be pathetic.
Glad our eyes were open so that tsunami didn't wash over us.
Go to your women! Repair what's wrong there.
This way you can remain ancillary to each other's lives   allowing you to veer away from codependency.
Go, you funny people! Venture out!   Live life! Don't be stuck with one another.
- It's a standard release.
- How about the confidentiality clause?   Paragraph six.
Paragraph four is no admission of liability.
Okay, let's see that.
"The Plaintiff incorporates"   - That should say, "The Defendant.
" - Oh, right.
How about the compensation provision?   Paragraph nine.
I structured the payments.
Let me read this now.
I figured I'd add the interest if the plaintiff asks.
- Add it.
Forget the settlement.
They turned it down.
- Let's up it.
- We can forget that too.
- The jury has a verdict.
- Thank you.
- I saw it.
A big giant drip.
- It was one lousy bead.
- It's not normal.
- I'm working on it.
- Is it a gland thing? - Maybe.
I've been single forever, so when I'm around an incredibly attractive   Maybe my body's conditioned to emit big, wet, sloppy pheromones.
I don't know.
This is all new for me, this not being single.
I cut it down to one lousy bead.
That's progress, isn't it?   Constipated?   "I come in peace.
" Buzz Lightyear-ism.
What do you want, Richard?   Just   You're my best friend, John.
And that's something.
I'm even more proud of that than all my money.
As long as you're gonna stand with your eyes closed   let that wash over you.
You have plans for the next five minutes?   Not big ones.
Why?   I'd like to take you somewhere.
Members of the jury, you have a verdict?   - We have, Your Honor.
- What say you?   Mackie versus Albright, we find in favor of the plaintiff   and order the defendant to pay damages in the amount of $ 10,000.
- What kind of verdict is that? - They don't believe in gender bias   but their kids probably go to single-sex schools.
We won as far as money's concerned.
- I was fighting for a principle.
- Yeah, yeah.
I hope there are no hard feelings.
- I'll have to think about that.
- Would you consider it over a drink?   RENEE: Maybe.
Why keep this place a secret? All this time, I thought we had rats.
Well, you can't escape from the world if you reveal your hideaway.
- What'd Melanie say when she saw it? - She, you know, she squealed.
- It's not gonna work out.
- You and Melanie? - Yeah.
I can't say why.
I've got a feeling.
I get the same hit off Ling.
Why'd you decide to bring me in here now?   I didn't like what the doctor said about our friendship being pathetic.
Because I don't think that it is pathetic.
I cherish you.
I just   Thought it was time to show me your hole.
We had our share of the sun.
So, this thing between you and Ling, is it over or not?   It's over.
You don't seem sure.
- Looks like Renee found somebody.
I can tell you're thrilled.
I was Oh, hey.
Where's   Mark? - Bathroom.
- Is everything okay? - I don't know.
- It seems to be a real relationship.
- Isn't that a good thing?   I guess it is.
It's a great thing.
If only I knew how to have one.
- Elaine - Ally.
My idea of communicating with men is to stick my breasts out.
Besides their need for sex, I don't have a clue about them.
- What do I do from here? - Well, you love them.
You be honest with them.
You be there when he needs somebody to hold on to.
And every now and then, you tell him that he has a really nice ass.
All the love   We planned to taste   OLD LADY: You stinker!