American Dad s06e10 Episode Script

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good Good morning, USA Aah! Hey, did I ever tell you the story of the time I got my head stuck in the banister? In fact, why don't I tell it to you? You were eight and you got your head stuck in the staircase banister.
So your mother buttered your ears and slid you out.
And that's why, to this day, you always carry a stick of butter in your purse.
Yep.
That's the banister story.
Oh, my God.
Is this what our life is going to be? Just you and me, telling each other the same old story over and over? Just say the word and we'll jump into the suicide pit.
You'd like it if we jumped down there, wouldn't you? You want my hand? You want this finger? Huh? Huh? Don't-don't-don't tease 'em.
I won tickets to the new Cirque du Soleil show next week-- Cirque du Soleil Moon Frye! Oh, I've heard of that one.
Top-heavy actresses get stuck in a refrigerator and have to dance their way out.
Great, that sounds like something to do.
We'll take those.
Hey! You guys can't do this.
I think we can.
Oh, look, there's four! We can take another couple.
What about Gary and Lisa? He's great, but I hate her.
How about Ted and Linda? She's great, but I hate him.
Greg and Terry? Both great! Hey, it's Francine.
We have extra tickets to a show next Thursday.
Okay, great! Turns out they hate us.
I can see that.
Why pay ten bucks for pre-bagged cotton candy when you can have it fresh at any time? With the Cotton Candy Shooter, you can have portable perfection in the palm of your hand! On it! Yes, I'd like to order the Cotton Candy Shooter.
We are going to have so much fun with this! What are you gonna do with a portable Cotton Candy Shooter? You're stuck in a fishbowl! You don't need portability! No, I'm here.
I was just mocking my stupid friend.
Anyway, last four digits 5664.
Expiration 8/12.
Yeah, Greg Corbin.
Thank you.
I stole a credit card from Greg and Terry's mailbox.
As long as I don't charge over They get the bill and it goes something like this "Honey, did you spend 14.
99 at a place called CCS Enterprises?" "Hmm, is that that new wine store on Grove Street?" "Maybe.
I also got a couple of vintage butter dishes off eBay.
Could be that.
" "And don't forget that mm-hmm that came in the brown paper package.
" "Tie me up with string 'cause that was my favorite thing!" After that, they do it on the Viking rangetop and end up ignoring the charge.
Tuck yourself in tonight.
We'll be late.
Where you gotta be that's so damn important I don't get a forehead kiss? Your mother and I are gonna go try to make some friends.
I'll kiss your forehead for you.
I got ya.
I got ya.
I got ya.
They look like a couple we can be friends with.
Hey, the wife and I have the exact same set of Oh, my God! No! No, no, you're hideous! Stan, aren't you going to introduce me to your No! Come on! Run! They're so cute out there, aren't they? Which one's yours? Um number 12.
That's ours.
I meant number 21.
The the black one? Yes.
My wife here cheated on me.
Anyways, you guys want to grab some soosh? Well, I sold the extra tickets.
I can't believe we couldn't find one couple friend.
I can't believe this place doesn't serve booze.
What?! There's the guy I sold the seats to.
I'm so glad you had those extra tickets.
You know, the wife and I have been really curious about this show.
We snuck in some margaritas.
Do you guys want one? I can't believe they don't sell booze.
We were just saying! Totally! They're a couple! They're perfect! Ow! You elbowed my booby! I'm sorry.
It's cool! I have had it with the malt shop.
Kids don't come in anymore.
Who killed small-town America, Steve? Cell phones, texting, and blogs, that's who! I remember the good old days when Twitter was just another word for late-night beaver down by the creek.
Cheer up, Roger.
The Cotton Candy Shooter came! What? Why didn't you tell me? Give it! Give it! What the hell?! It doesn't work! This thing is a piece of crap! Get my tub of chalk.
I'm gonna write some swear words on the driveway, blow off some steam.
Wait, you have to make them accountable for their shoddy product! Yeah, they can't rip us off like that! We ain't no chumps! Thank you for calling CCS Enterprises.
Your estimated wait time is two weeks.
What?! Forget it.
Don't hang up! If you hang up, they win.
I will not be a loser.
I will stay on this phone as long as it takes! Steve, go get the diaper I sleep in after Indian food.
She was stuck in the banister for three days.
And to this day, I always carry a stick of butter in my purse.
She totally does! That is so awesome! Shh! Come on.
Hey, pal, mind your own business.
My friends are telling a story.
You hear that? He said friends! And he called my dumb ramblings a story! Do you think they'll call? I wonder if they'll call.
Maybe we should call them.
No! We don't want to seem too needy.
It's them! They don't play games! Hey, guys! They want us to go out to dinner! That sounds great.
It's fine! Say yes! Say yes! We'd love to! Okay, see you then.
We did it! We have a real live double date! What am I gonna wear?! Maybe this blue suit with the white shirt and the black tie.
Yeah, that's it.
That'll look nice.
I'm telling you, it's always funny.
Oh, he's right.
You can't see a guy get hit in the groin and not laugh.
I cannot tell you guys how glad we are to have found you.
The last couple we met was so boring.
Well, that's because they were so old.
I mean, they were like 40.
What, was-was he from that village in China where they live forever? I'm about to have my 30th and I'm freaking.
Ugh, thank God I don't have to think about that for another 15 years.
Oh, my curfew! What time is it? Can you drop me off at the roller rink? That's where my dad thinks I am.
Too far.
Reel it in.
You know what's really going to make us feel grown-up is having kids.
Jinx, jinx, jinx-- I can't hear you! I'm telling you.
We use double birth control: condoms and spermicide.
We don't want kids for a long time.
It's good to be young without kids.
We kill kids.
Reel it in.
Hey, it's only midnight! How about another bottle, huh?! We'll hit up an after-hours club.
What? You're not tired, are you? No, no, we're awake! Yep, wide awake and ready to party.
Check it out.
Oh! Well done, sir.
Tonight for dessert we have figs or dates, both in a sweet yogurt sauce.
Like most ethnic foods, our desserts are disappointing.
Cut a trach-hole.
No one's dying in Chicago tonight.
Ah! Look, Stan.
Kitchen people! We had the best Oh, the bread fell.
We had the best dinner, you guys.
I love it! and you guys are hammered.
Your head is so funny-looking! It's so bulbous! Okay.
Ow! I need those! Do I look smart? Stan, look at me smart! Oh, my God-- mac and cheese.
We need mac and cheese.
Yes! So much yes! What the? "St.
Ides"? Were we drinking 40s? What happened? You passed out making mac and cheese.
Why didn't you turn off the stove? You guys laughed at my head.
Now, you ruined a pot.
Happy with yourselves? Hey, you! Ready for our mother/daughter day? What are you talking about? Last night.
You came into my room and woke me up.
You said I was the most precious thing in your life and you were ready to be adult friends, and that I could call you "Francine.
" You said we'd spend the day having fun together.
Oh, no.
"No" to all of that.
Hello? Hey, you guys ready? STAN Hmm? For rock climbing.
Remember, we said last night? We're outside.
Let's go.
They want us to go rock climbing.
We, uh, we don't have any equipment or, uh Not a problem.
We got you covered.
Hey, if you guys need a few minutes we'll come in and make mimosas.
No! We'll be right out.
Stan, I can't.
I feel like the tattoo on Aida Turturro's left boob.
I feel gross.
Tony Soprano's sister.
Oh! But this is Tom and Cami.
The best couple we've ever met.
If we lose them, it's just you, me, and the banister story.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's do this! Delightful.
Francine! Oh! Hey, Stanny-boy! Frantastic! Get up here! The view is amazing! Did you hear that? They gave us nicknames! The only nickname I ever got was in eighth grade.
They called me Stan Frank because I was always hiding and writing in my diary.
I need this new nickname, Francine.
Now, get your buns moving! Stan and I are so glad we met you guys.
How good does a beer sound? Let's see if this place has yards.
Mom! I've been looking for you guys.
There's no food in the house, and Roger and I are stuck on hold.
We're starving.
Just grab 20 bucks from my purse and get the hell out of here.
They got 37 microbrews in this pub.
Gypsy! Ah! Mommy! Downtown Langley has a real gypsy problem lately.
They call you "mommy" to try to tug on your heartstrings.
Why, Mommy? I'm a piece of you.
Hey, guys.
So glad you suggested a nice, easy jog.
Is there a track up here or something? What, you've never been free running? Oh, you're going to love it.
Let's go! Okay, there is no way in hell Francine! Stan, don't move! I'm coming! My sunscreen! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sweet free run.
Whew, good, uh, good free run.
Dude, is that your shin bone? Yep.
Compound fracture feels good after a workout, huh? Nice to air out the bones a little.
I'm going to chill here, catch my breath, go into shock.
I'll meet up with you at the tiki bar.
Get it, boy! That's not your bone, silly.
Who's a silly boy? It's okay.
He's friendly.
Thank you for calling CCS Enterprises.
If you know the department you'd like to reach, please say it now.
Billing! Did you say Beverly Billingsley? No! Billing! Billing! Transferring to Beverly Billingsley.
BEVERLY BILLINGSLEY: Hello? Go screw yourself?! Why does everyone keep calling and saying that? Well, I'm not one to disappoint my fans.
Guess this'll do.
STEVE Hello? Can you transfer me to customer service? We've got to pull ourselves together.
We're meeting them in 20 minutes.
Okay, okay.
We can do this.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
I am so glad you guys could join us for brunch.
We wouldn't miss it.
Yay, more alcohol! So, Tommy and I have a great idea for a trip the four of us can take.
There's this vertical glacier in Alaska that you can ski.
Oh, it's a fantastic challenge.
You know, about 30% of people who try it die, but they're all old.
That sounds great.
Terrific! Race you to the omelet bar! We can't go.
No way.
This has gone too far.
I miss being over 40.
But if we don't keep up with Tom and Cami, we'll lose them.
Maybe we can't keep up with them, but we can slow them down.
We sabotage their birth control and give Tom and Cami the gift of lifelong responsibility.
We have 45 minutes until they get back from their midnight triathlon.
Barf to that hobby.
Got the condoms.
Found the spermicide.
Hey, I get the part where if Tom and Cami have a kid they'll have to slow down like us, but how do we know they'll keep the baby? Oh, they're not going to abort it.
'Cause they're awesome.
Tom-Tom! Cameo! Have some wine.
Actually, we have some news.
Oh, congratulations! We haven't even told you our news.
Oh, but having news is great.
I love news.
I'm like the Cookie Monster with news.
News! Num-num, num-num, num-num-num! Francine.
Well, it's early, but we're pregnant.
Guess that means we can't go on that ski trip.
You're really going to have to slow down now, huh? I don't know how this happened.
You must have put the condom on wrong.
Well, even if I did, you clearly did not use your spermicide.
I did! I just Maybe it turned bad.
There were so many ants.
It's been like this since we found out.
We just aren't ready for a baby.
They're going to be fine.
Guys, I'm sorry.
Cami and I are through.
No! Oh, come on.
You guys have to stay together.
Yeah, the four of us have so much fun.
Hey, 'member this? Yeah, I guess the one time it's not funny is when the life you've built with the woman you love comes crashing down around you.
We have to fix this.
Good, I see we're on the same page here about what we have to do.
Clean up the house, hang up all our coats, and figure out how to get Tom and Cami back together.
Guess what?! I won tickets to the new Cirque du Soleil show, Cirque du Hey, Hey, Hey.
Oh, based on Fat Albert? Oh, no, I said it wrong.
It's Cirque du Hey, Hey, Hey.
It's based on What's Happening.
We'll take those.
Hey! Turkeys.
This is perfect.
You give a ticket to Cami and I'll give one to Tom.
Then, when they show up at the show, they'll remember how good we all were together and fall back in love.
Oh, Richard Lewis is opening! That means we don't have to go early.
We're going to get our best friends back.
Okay, but eventually Mom and I need to discuss the vicious purse beating she gave me last time I saw her! I got a person! Hello! Yes, I was very displeased with the Cotton Candy Shooter.
I want a full refund! Thank thank you.
We send it back and they refund our credit card the entire amount.
We did it! Yes.
You got $14.
99 refunded back to Greg and Terry's credit card.
I forgot we used their card.
Who cares about Greg and Terry's money?! You knew all along! Why did you goad us on every step of the way? Remember that crack you made about me not being able to enjoy "portable" things? Well, I can enjoy making you two suffer.
You'll never get back those days you spent on hold, you ass-wads! Are we stupid, Steve? No, honestly, are we? I mean, I have a master's in city planning from Howard University.
I could tell you where your convention center should go, but I can't tell you when a fish is giving me the business.
Oh, are you kidding me? You really thought this old trick would work? Wait! Just hear us out.
You two are pretty much the best couple we've ever met.
You're perfect for each other.
You have to stay together.
It's too late.
A baby doesn't ruin your life! It makes it great.
How would you know? Because we have two of them.
What? Remember that gypsy I punched on the street? That was my son.
You lied.
Yes, but we're not lying about this.
Having kids is great, even if it means having to slow down.
Trust us.
As soon as you have that baby, you're going to be so glad we broke into your house and sabotaged your birth control.
You what? You two are monsters.
You were right.
You said there was something off about them.
Yeah, and you said there was no way she was a day under 40.
You bitch.
Honey, she's right.
Oh, Cami, I'll never doubt you again.
I missed you.
Come on.
Let's get out of here before one of these geezers has a heart attack.
Why would I tweezer my fart crack? Stupid kids.
You know, Stan, maybe it's best if we don't have friends.
What do you say you and me go home and tell each other boring stories for the rest of our lives? That sounds perfect.
You guys have been talking through the whole damn show.
Watch this.
I'm so sorry.
Nut punch! Block! Counter-nut punch! Always funny.