American Dad s11e10 Episode Script

Rockin' Ronny here, hitting you with my mouth guitar.
Alright, I've got a 6 day 5 night Hollywood getaway for two and it's going out to our tenth caller.
Caller 10, holla at your boy! Oh, my God, I'm the tenth caller? Hello, this is Stan Smith, caller 10.
Not that man.
No, wait! Wait, wait, I'm caller 10.
Ronny, is he implying I used CIA technology to hack into the phone lines to win these tickets to Hollywood! Hollywood! Whoo! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shinin' a salute to the American race oh, boy, it's swell to say good -- good morning, U.
S.
A.
The Walk of Fame! Isn't this fun? But these stars are so close together.
They must bury the bodies standing up.
This is disgusting.
There are hospital amounts of urine and blood everywhere.
Where's that classic Hollywood glamour? Oh! That shop over there's selling a fake Oscar for sexiest stepdad! Should we get two? How are you excited about this? I mean, look, that Spider-Man's suit is a weird chocolate-brown, and -- and he has a fanny pack that's brimming with Q-tips.
No.
$1, and you can punch or kick me three times.
Sold.
Aah! Ooh! Ohh! Magnificent.
You performed that marble slip with such style, just like my husband, Leonard, used to.
Tripping on something but not falling down was his signature move.
You're standing on his star right now.
Leonard Zane.
And I'm June Rosewood.
I'm sure you've heard of us, the great comedy team -- Len-Len and the Junebug? Uh I place marbles here every year on the anniversary of his death.
It's so wonderful to see someone, at last, not simply fall and shatter their pelvis like an idiot.
One time, I stepped on a basketball.
Didn't fall.
Oh! You so remind me of him.
This is perhaps silly, but would you do me the favor of having lunch with a lonely old woman? Um Sorry, I've got a full day planned for us -- a taping of a proactiv commercial, then we're off to the ranch from "The Biggest Loser.
" I paid extra for a tour of their massive sweat-drainage system.
See you at the hotel.
Ohh! Oh, God, my pelvis! It's in pieces.
I want more kicks.
Hey, true believers! Is this the end of brown Spider-Man? Tune in next week to find out.
Weird.
I only have 56 episodes of "Bones" on here.
Yesterday I had 57.
Oh, yeah, I deleted one so I could record something.
I'm pretty sure you'd already seen the one I deleted.
I-I didn't think you'd mind.
Honestly, Roger, I don't know why you keep recording "Bones," anyways.
It's not as good as it used to be.
I mean I think we all agree that there was a-a-a drop-off sometime in the fourthseason.
Maxine! Aspic! What is this? It's pieces of pork and beef suspended in gelatin.
Spoon meat is real?! I thought I invented this once in a dream.
Mmm! Wash it down with a Gibson.
It's a Martini, but with an onion.
Ohh.
That is good.
You know what this would go great with? A big plate of loose hot dogs.
That was Leonard's favorite! May Ishout at Maxine? Maxine! Loose hot dogs! Now, this is decorating.
These heavy velvet curtains really keep out the natural light.
The sun is the enemy, darling.
I avoid it at all costs.
That's how I stay so youthful.
Go ahead.
Guess how old I am.
I'm going to say a hundred and -- Enough! That stung a bit.
You're rather callous, aren't you? Just like Leonard.
So, this is that Lance guy you're so gay for? "I shall return.
" Huh.
Leonard believed fervently inreincarnation.
People believe a lot of crazy stuff.
I used to believe all cars were Transformers.
Now I know it's only Nissans.
Hayley, there's an Idaho quarter on the ground down here.
Steve, I'm seeing a Delaware.
Our collections! Aah! Aah! Wait, what? I-i-i-is this because of "Bones"? You're not allowed to say that word! I'm doing this out of love.
You need help, and I'm betting the answer is crate training.
I bought a book on it, and I'm going upstairs to start reading it now.
Roger! Roger, let us out of here! It is Delaware.
If this was just a trick, why did he bother to get the actual quarter I need? Because if it wasn't, you would have known.
You would have heard it in my voice.
It had to be real.
It probably didn't have to be real.
This guy's hilarious.
This style of comedy was pretty revolutionary for the time because no one was bothering to do it anymore.
Marble delivery.
Who's that? Gloria del Mar.
A bit player.
She had some fans, but if she was so great, how come she's dead? Here it comes -- my big moment.
What's all of this mess? I was at my peak! Maxine! Start "A Cold Return.
" It's about a wounded G.
I.
who comes back from the war only to find himself slipping on ice cubes.
What about the marble movie? It wasn't over.
Alas, poor Leonard died boating to Catalina before we could finish shooting the last scene.
But I want to see how it ends.
And you can, my darling Leonard! You can! You've come back to me, and I think you're feeling what we have to do.
We must finish the picture with you as Leonard and meas me! Okay, party's over.
I'm not your dead husband.
Pish-posh, of course you are.
No! Because reincarnation isn't real.
I mean, sure, Leonard and I like the same foods, and, yeah, if I grew a mustache, that's the thinness I'd keep it at.
And, okay, I've got his sweet moves.
But there's still no way on the reincar-- what is that? His flag pin.
He insisted on wearing it in all his films, even that time he played the Jew, Moses.
My God.
I can no longer deny the truth that stands before me.
I am Leonard.
And we are finishing that movie.
Yes! Maxine, I'm gonna need you to get off your ass and get me another Gibson.
Oh, God! Where am I?! What have I -- oh, that's right.
I'm reincarnated Hollywood actor Leonard Zane.
I helped myself to my things.
Your favorite breakfast, darling -- cottage cheese and a half cantaloupe and a glass of chilled Worcestershire sauce.
Ahh.
So, what are we doing? Are we making a movie today? Show business doesn't move that quickly.
First we have to get the money men on board.
We'll probably make the movie tomorrow.
Money men? The original producers of "Marble Trouble.
" They won't agree to finance the movie until we convince them you're Leonard.
Do Ieat the melon, too? Leonard would eat the melon when he wanted to ravage me.
I won't eat the melon.
Gentlemen, I present to you Leonard Zane, back from the dead.
I'm here, boys.
It's finally time to finish "Marble Problems.
" "Marble Trouble.
" "Marble Mubble"? Junie, you're completely insane! And you, you two-bit shyster, you're not Leonard.
Hey, screw you, you sunburnt troll! That's my mean, old Leonard! It's Leonard! We're gonna finish the movie! How marvelous.
I'll leave the business talk to the men.
Gentlemen, if we're going to do this, I have some concerns about the gag with the coconut cream pie.
I feel like I've seen it.
Make it a banana cream pie.
That's genius! What do we do about the fact that I don't look anything like Leonard? And also that June will age half a century from one shot to the next? We'll do the computers! That's perfect! Man, we're cooking today! Wonderful job! Congratulations! Oh, fantastic.
Congratulations.
Congratulations, everyone.
Oh.
Right.
Francine.
I thought you were just gonna go to lunch, not disappear for 24 hours! Look, Francine, there's a perfectly good explanation.
Turns out I'm the reincarnated soul of a dead, long-forgotten comedy actor, and I'm slated to star in the final 30 seconds of an old black-and-white movie with my super-old wife.
Your wife? You know how we've always said that one woman couldn't tame me? What, I never said -- Well, we were right.
See, you are one of many wives I've had through many lives that I've lived.
But don't worry.
You're in the top two that I'm aware of.
There's no such thing as reincarnation! I'm taking you back to the hotel! No, you're not! Look, we haven't wanted to do any of the same stuff this whole trip.
We haven't been together this whole trip.
Exactly.
And we're having the time of our lives.
So you get to do your dumb stuff, and I'll stay here and do this better stuff with the famouses.
Who the hell is this, Leonard?! Some chippy fresh off the train from Topeka? Francine, this is the wife I was telling you about.
Francine, Junebug.
Junebug, Francine.
She can't be here, Leonard.
We're in pre-production.
Beat it, babe.
It's pre-pro.
Cast and crew only.
Who is this? She's a saucer of cream.
She's got to be in the picture.
She can take dead Gloria's part.
It's incandescently brilliant! Are you casting me?! No, no, no.
Yes! Welcome to our mad little circus! Come, dear.
I'll teach you everything I know.
And that's all there is to acting.
And I am Dr.
Brennan, the guardian of all bones everywhere.
I love "Bones.
" You know what I get from watching "Bones," Steve? A big, throbbing smile.
This is inhumane! Shut up.
It's fake nighttime now.
"Marble Trouble.
" Take one.
Action.
Marble delivery.
Here comes Junie.
Juice the camera.
What's all this mess? Here comes the big finish.
It's been 60 years.
Bankruptcy, two failed marriages, and I buried three children, but none of that matters because we're finishing the picture! Outrageous.
That was the big finish? My bab-i-i-i-es! You know, we made a pretty good team back there.
We sure did.
That's why I'm proud to count you among my many, many wives.
Okay, that's got to stop.
We've had fun, but it's time to go.
You're right, honey.
And thanks for letting me wrap up Leonard's unfinished business here.
Now, let's head home and wrap up our lives there.
Am I interrupting? I think Leonard has something he needs to tell you.
Look, June, I have to leave.
What?! Is there someone else? Someoneyounger? It's complicated, but, yes, obviously, if I were leaving you for someone else, they'd be younger.
You are the oldest person I've ever met in my life.
Leonard, you cold-hearted bastard! I love you! The thing is I'm Leonard, definitely, but I'm also Stan.
And Stan already has a wife -- Francine.
Oh, God, my head is spinning, spinning, spinning! Wait! So you're saying if it weren't for her, you'd stay? Junebug, if it weren't for her, I'd stay.
She's got a nice rack.
I guess that's always been my thing.
Stan! Francine! Leave a trail of bread crumbs! Hopefully, there's hundreds of loaves of bread in there, like in my trailer.
Francine! Francine! Francine?! Francine?! Fran-n-n-cine Ahh.
Francine! Help! Help! What the hell?! She trapped me in this giant aspic! Madame, she's gone crazy again.
Again? Many years ago, madame and monsieur Zane were making that movie -- how you say? Uh, "Marble Mubble"? That's correct.
And he come to madame, and he say he fall in love with Mademoiselle del Mar.
Leonard fell in love with Gloria, the marble-delivery girl? Oui.
They were going to run away together on that boat.
But madame June -- she Killed them both.
Drowned them.
The police could never prove it.
Everyone in town knew the truth.
Well, if everyone knew, why didn't anyone do anything about it? It was old Hollywood.
Everybody was killing everybody.
Cary grant used to butcher three people a week.
And now Oh, and I suppose you're here to silence me.
Part of some shadowy showbiz cover-up? What? No.
I'm here for Maxine.
We're lovers.
Here.
Take my car.
I think you'll find your wife at the marina.
Well, I-I better get, uh get, uh Get, uh Damn, Irv! Twist ending on that book.
Crate training is for dogs.
Yeah, no shit, Roger! Now let us out of here.
Hmm.
Sounds like a girl who has not learned to respect boundaries, like who is the master of the DVR.
But, Steve, look at him.
Oh, you want to go walkies? Well, I'd have to be a cold-blooded sociopath not to put a leash on this boy and walk him around the block.
Aah! Aah! You were just pretending to be a dog? You're a sick ticket, Steve.
I was gonna take you walkies.
Oh, I am a dog, Roger.
And I'm about to bury some "Bones.
" My "Bones"! My "Bones"! Oh, God! My precious "Bones"! Francine! Thank God you're all right.
I came as fast as I could.
Did you change your outfit? Uh, yeah, Francine.
We're at the yacht club, not the old spaghetti factory.
I step away for one second to suck gas out of the next boat, and I come back to find you trying to save her now? It's over, June.
Francine and I are leaving.
Not again! I feel like such a fool.
I even put on a new perfume for you, Leonard.
Can you at least tell me if you like it.
Sure.
Ha! It was chloroform! I can't believe I have to drown Leonard and another one of his whores again.
Thank you for electing me the mayor of Circuit City.
I will not disappoint you.
Stan, wake up.
Where are we? We're in the damn ocean! Swim to the boat.
I had to crouch down for half an hour, but I got you! You're going to drown out here, just like you did last time.
You're about to murder two people who had nothing to do with what happened all those years ago.
Die! Please, don't do this.
You begged before, too, Leonard.
You cuckoo bird.
I'm not Leonard! What are you saying?! I believed it before, but now that all the fun stuff has stopped happening, I can see that we were kidding ourselves.
I'm not Leonard.
And you want to know why? Because reincarnation isn't real.
You were right, Francine.
No.
I was wrong.
Well, then, I give up.
I don't know how to explain it, but I remember this.
We've been in this water before.
It happened just this way.
You were Leonard, and Iwas Gloria.
Gloria?! Oh, great! Everyone else gets a brand-new body, and I'm still grinding away in this one.
Don't you see, Stan? It's beautiful.
In every life, we find each other.
So even if we don't spend all our time together, we're gonna spend all of time together.
So, we're dying, but it'sokay? There's nothing to be afraid of.
But what about the kids? There will be others.
To the next life.
No! Me! I want to die with Leonard! Oh.
Swim around her.
Wait! Come back! Smell my wrist! We can't just leave her here.
You're right.
Let me just mess with her first.
Swim to the boat.
I love you again.
Oops, that's reverse.
She was an old woman.
She probably died before we hit her.
That was quick thinking back there -- pretending to remember a past life.
I-I wasn't pretending, Stan.
You fruitcake.