Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Super Squatter

Gentlemen, behold.
The thermostat.
That's been there.
Observe as I adjust the heat.
- Is it on? - You tell me.
Wait.
So, Shake you are gonna take care of the bills for us this month, aren't you? Yeah, absolutely.
As soon as this is done.
That's what you said when the last show was on.
The last show was the popular lead-in, see.
This is the show the network wants me to watch if you wouldn't mind.
- But you are gonna do it today, right? - Yes.
How many times do I need to say yes to get you to leave? 'Cause it's getting late in the day.
- The post office is gonna close soon.
- I know what it's gonna do.
I've been around when they lock the doors.
Believe me, they close.
Okay.
As long as you've got it taken care of.
Damn, Frylock, you falling for that same shiznit again, baby.
Does it every time.
- So, did you get those bills paid off? - Yes, like you wouldn't believe.
- All of them? - Every single one of them.
- Because there were four of them.
- I know.
- I distinctly remember four.
- There were six of them! All right.
Truth time.
First thing tomorrow morning, we crank it out you and me together.
- Shake, tomorrow is Sunday.
- You're right.
Church.
Monday morning, we hit it hard, both guns blazing.
Those bills will get paid so fast they won't know what hit them.
- There goes the cable.
See? - Terrorists.
Recite to me the number for the cable people.
The service hot line is on the bill that you never sent.
Okay.
Recite to me the number for the excavators.
Unless you want to go there and dig up the septic tank yourself.
- You flushed the cable bill down the toilet? - All the bills.
They're too expensive.
You know how much money it takes to heat this house? - Take a wild stab.
- Last month, $487.
And that's a lot of money, isn't it? Hello, operator? Give me the cable company, please.
Are you listening to me? Because I'm about to unload.
- The phone's broken.
- Now it is.
Do you understand why it's so important to pay those bills we get every month? Look, we got electricity, and we got each other.
Look, we got each other.
What, are you gonna bill us for that now? You are about to learn a lesson in responsibility.
I'm responsible for getting us into that club that one time.
I smooth-talked that dude.
You saw me lay it down.
Frankly, Shake, I can live like this.
You can't.
If you don't pay, we'll see how long it takes - before you go out of your freaking mind.
- I'm not backing down on this, ever! Turn on the lights.
I want you to see the look on my face.
Do you hear me? Or did they send a guy out to shut off your ears because I didn't pay the ear bill? Where the hell is the switch? - How come the shower ain't working? - I don't know.
Probably maybe something you did to anger God.
He's angry with you, all right.
I remember him telling me that at The Last Supper.
Yeah, they had good fish there.
- You didn't pay the water bill, did you? - Or the electricity.
That's why you gotta do it.
You're my main man.
- I am? - Everybody knows.
I say it to many people.
I knew you'd come around to me.
Here, hop on the TV and await further instructions.
I will not fail you.
Wolverines! That's not gonna work, Shake.
Oh, God, always with the negatives, like a big zero.
- And that's why you're not my main man.
- Yeah, I'm the main man.
That's right, main man.
Now move to the left.
It's still black.
- Here? - Move further back.
- How about there? - Still black.
- How about this? - I think I see something.
- Is this - Too far.
Shake, the electricity is gone, remember? We didn't pay for it.
Now the TV's gone.
How about that? There's just one simple thing you gotta do to make all this go away.
- And you know what that is, don't you? - You're right.
- Hey, Carl.
- What? You think I can borrow a Come in.
Is this a blooper show? I love these.
Watch this.
See the guy in the cap right there? He's gonna get whacked in the groin by the fish.
Maybe the fish will bite the groin.
Wait a minute.
This is a fishing show, Carl.
- I don't remember ever saying "come in".
- I know.
It's unspoken between us.
We got a vibe going.
You know what I mean? So you go get those pretzels, 'cause I know you're thinking it.
Yeah, you read my mind there.
Guess where the pretzels are? Think.
We got a vibe.
Inside my gun.
Now where did that come from? All right, look, let's just take a step back breathe deep and let's go get me those pretzels.
- What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing? Paying the bills.
I ain't got my blender to work all morning.
- I need me a weenie smoothie.
- No, Meatwad.
Shake's gotta do it.
He needs to learn a lesson about responsibility.
You need to teach me a lesson about money.
Look at this here.
I was gonna send this.
No one works in the system that I use.
Why don't you put all this back in your little pine straw bank? Bank? No, that's my IRA.
I use the bank, I get burned on capital gains tax.
- What was that? - Oh, man.
I guess it finally happened.
What's the matter? Somebody wants to get a little piece of electrified fluorescent lighting.
Here's a taste.
Now get lost.
- I heard gunshots.
Are you okay? - Why wouldn't I be? I'm a guest in this home.
Why don't you go back to the time before Christ a.
k.
a.
next door, your house.
And the gunshots didn't mean a thing.
- God.
- I know.
It's another bass fishing show.
Two in one day.
- How lucky are we, right? - I didn't think it was loaded.
- I just sort of checking the barrel there - And it went off in your hand.
I know.
I was there.
Why do you think I cranked up the volume? You know, hearing does not come back.
It degrades over time.
Just do something, okay? Just call the doctor or something.
- I'll do it, I will.
- Do it now! You're scaring the fish.
Work, please.
Go.
Purée.
- I can't believe Shake's still there.
- Has he learned his lesson yet? Please tell me he has, 'cause this is getting old over here.
Blend! I'm sure that he'll come around and maybe even learn something.
- Just give it a few more hours.
- A few hours? Look here, I'm getting hungry and thirsty.
Usually by now I'd be on my fifth weenie smoothie.
Guess how many I've had? Zero.
Those weenies are spoiled by now, Meatwad.
- The fridge hasn't worked for a day.
- I don't keep them there.
I age them on the windowsill so that when they get all sticky and slimy and smelling bad like they's rotten, that's when they's getting good.
- Really? - Let me go off topic here for a bit.
Know how much protein's in a weenie smoothie? - No.
- Zero.
Blend.
I don't care how much you talk to that blender.
It won't work.
Hell, we ought to make one manually.
I'm about to lose my freaking mind.
- Meatwad, no.
- Meatwad, yes.
Are you seeing this? - Little busy looking at this blood - He's an inch from death.
- I'm losing lots of blood here.
- Relax.
You got plenty there, big guy.
- You need the phone.
- Yes, thank you.
I guessed it.
What did I say? Do we have a vibe, or what? You need a doctor? - Yes, please.
- It's ringing.
- Oh, God.
- Hello, Dr.
Cheesesteak? - We require one sandwich - I'm gonna blow you away.
with 40 ccs of cheese steak, stat, with an infusion of medical sauce.
Hold, please.
Carl? Yellow peppers? - Help me, please! My foot! - No yellow peppers for his.
Okay, thank you.
See, Carl? I got your backside, buddy.
Now, look, it's gonna be $12.
All right, look at that.
- Meatwad.
- Did you want one? Hang on a sec.
- No, Meatwad.
Shut it off.
- Make me one.
- Call the doctor, please! - Carl? - Don't encourage him.
- What happened to him? Shoots himself in the foot and thinks the world's gotta stop for him.
- We're still turning, baby.
- Back away.
Let me look at it.
You mean so you can come in and have a nice glass of water.
I wasn't born yesterday, okay? I've seen movies.
- He needs medical attention.
- Yes, I do.
He needs an upgrade from his satellite provider 'cause if I see one more redneck spit into a lake I'll be forced to get up and change the channel.
- My foot.
- Listen, I know it hurts, man but I need to keep your foot elevated - Oh, hell.
- That's not mine, is it? That's bad, isn't it? Look, you need to get that on ice.
At the hospital, with the hospital's ice.
Carl, calm down.
Listen.
Look.
- We'll be there in a couple of hours, okay? - No! Damn, Carl, you look stupid.
Yeah, my HMO guy didn't know how to approach this, so he did this.
Do a headstand for me.
Get it? Yeah.
I gotta tell you, I don't.
I mean, look at these horse pills.
- I'm frigging wasted here.
- You got ripped? Seriously, though, I'd be pissed.
You'd think that, but something about these pills they take the edge off, you know? Take four of them and that yellow gateway over there opens for the dwarf man.
- Do you want to go over there with me - No, thank you.
I want as little to do with you as possible.
Now please leave my sight.
I didn't think you'd do it, but you paid the bills.
Hell, no.
I pay no bills.
I pay you no mind.
Come on, the TV's about to come on.
I'm just glad that you finally accepted some responsibility in the most ass way possible.
Come here.
This here's funny.
Bad wiring, my friend.
And if you tell the insurance people that But stick to it.
Don't waffle.
I'm fairly confident they will drop you.
You can stay with us, Carl, as long as you have those pills.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- You found it.
That's the guest bedroom.
And you know, if you need to go to the bathroom - you know, just do it.
- Shake.
Don't mess with him, okay.
He's had a long day.
You need anything else? There's some ants.