Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Shaving

Who's a good little fella? Hey, where's your brother? Here he comes! Shut the up, Steve! You're scaring him! I done told you, now.
This Halloween, you won't like me when I'm angry.
I don't like you ever.
Now just hold still.
You're about to be both Hall and Oates.
People ain't gonna get that.
Yeah, you're right.
Too inside.
Let me go get the blender.
You can go as the Boston Philharmonic.
I ain't being no boogersnot orchestra.
I'm the Incredible Plum.
No, you're not.
Now, get in there.
All right.
You know best.
But just so we're clear, boy, don't make me angry.
Shut up.
Just let the food ninja do the work.
Shake, unplug that.
Great.
Look who just ruined Halloween.
You're like the A-bomb.
Everybody's laughing, having a good time.
Then you show up, boom.
Everything's dead.
Come on out of there, Meatwad.
You're gonna be The Bachelor.
All right! But I can still be the plum, too, right? - No! - You better not say it.
- No.
- I'll get angry.
Of course you can.
Shake! The plum is a bachelor, too, Meatwad.
Yeah.
He was so angry he didn't understand the compromises you gotta go through building a lasting relationship.
He done, like, throw a car at a woman.
Plus, his genitals were purple.
What are you supposed to be, Frylock? Don't mind me.
I'm just a sailor on shore leave.
From the ship of the damned.
Okay.
You know, "The Ship of the Damned"? Famous short story about a ship that had a hole in it? - No.
- Just go put on your ballerina shoes and get the rest of the outfit.
Be who you really are, Dr.
Zhivago.
Yeah, you suck.
I'll just go get the candy, okay? He getting candy.
I got $10 says he's wearing women's panties under that.
- Under what? - I know what I said, Meatwad! - Okay.
- Don't repeat me! - Okay.
- I'm not a retard like you! Gracious.
Good one, Frylock.
Which crappy book is this one from? Onion of Arabia? Yeah.
Onion.
Hey, look at this.
Our first trick-or-treater.
- I thought he was you.
- No.
- I'm the haunted sailor from the - We know.
We heard where you're from, and it sucks! I don't think you understand, man.
I live here.
Okay.
I get it.
You're Insane Creature Guy.
No.
This isn't a costume.
I live in the attic.
I'm a monster.
No! Frylock, get the axe! So, do you have any mail for me? Willie Nelson? - Willie Nelson? - Not "the" Willie Nelson.
But my name is Willie Nelson.
Wait a minute.
I think we might have time to order an axe from a Web site! - Will we make it? - That is weird.
Come to think of it, we do occasionally get mail for a Willie Nelson.
I used to forward it, but now I just throw it out.
- Sorry.
- Good.
Thanks.
This isn't mine.
I think I'll throw it out.
That was my window to the world! Now it's been shattered by the monster.
Pretty scary, right? No.
What's that word that's the exact opposite of scary? - Tacos? - Taco? Where? Get out of my way.
Those are mine! I made them! Okay, look, the scaring will resume when I get back to your attic.
- You live in the attic? - He has said that twice already! - You're just now getting this? - There's a monster in the attic? Yeah.
I was driven here by the villagers when I was doing 30 in the 25 and I guess when I say villagers it's more like this one guy.
I really didn't know him.
But, you know, I knew him, but it's not like we were buds or anything.
- You want him to repeat that? - No, I heard it.
- Thanks for joining us now.
- What's with the razor? I shave.
Once every couple of days.
It's nerve-wracking.
It's supposed to be.
- It's not.
- You shave up there? We wouldn't hear it anyway.
I mean we have pretty good insulation up there.
I know.
It's sweltering.
I mean, do you guys have a fan or something? I'm just gonna borrow it.
I'm not gonna keep it.
You are the gayest monster since gay came to gaytown! Easy! Where's this coming from? No, let's get down to it.
What I say is very baffling.
You two.
We don't want any trouble here now, okay? No, I'm with you.
I don't think violence solves anything.
God, you're gay! You don't think violence solves anything? - What kind of monster are you? - Look, I'm pretty hard-core.
I've been known to do a number on plenty of cats Do a number? Yeah, I bet you do a number.
In your tights on Broadway which is where you moved to after you left Texas Chainsaw Mascara where you're from! What's he talking about? How much you want to bet me you couldn't scare jack? - Carl.
- Who's this, your fricking mother? No, Carl.
It's your neighbor, remember? Willie Nelson? I was driven here by the villagers, and - Villager - Well, the villager Yeah, that's a great story.
- See ya.
- All right.
Pay up.
Let's go.
Hold on.
The shaving.
The shaving! - I'm calling the cops.
- He will do it.
I'm out of here, man.
- Then we better go.
- What is this? "The shaving.
The shaving".
Get some edge, man.
This has a triple edge, with special lubricating strip.
This'll do a number.
You want to see how to scare the neighbor? Check this out.
- What? - Catch! - Hi, Carl! - Get him off! It's too easy.
- Cool.
Can I try that? - No.
Only I can do that.
But I will show you the ways of a monster.
Come.
Now remember, you have no regard for human life most especially women because they have the organs that you wish that you had.
So you want to make a suit from them.
I don't want to make a suit from them Listen to me.
That's how it's done.
All you concern yourself with is kill.
You got it? None of the side crap, 'cause it's throwing you off.
And who's gonna stop you anyway? You're immortal.
Are you sure? That doesn't sound right.
Please, and do me another favor: Lose the shaving.
Monsters don't groom themselves.
They're frigging maniacs! Okay.
Now what's this? It's John Q.
Public.
I'm just walking along the street and suddenly a monster pops out and says "What are you doing here?" Damn it! No! - Will you read the sheet? - "Nice head.
I think I'll take it".
There we go, but a little more feeling, okay? I can't want it for you, because they'll know.
And wear this sailor's hat, too.
Would you mind, please? We're working here.
I think the sailor's hat adds a nice It's gonna land us one of those rainbow flags to hang out front.
- Now, get out of here! - All right, I'm gonna roll.
I'm on this.
Remember, the chain saws are electric so you only got about 30 feet to play with.
Now, go! Kill like crazy! Kill them! "Nice head.
I think I'll take it.
"Nice head.
I think I'll take it.
"Nice head.
I think " Oh, crap! - What? What do you want? - Yeah, what do you want? What are you doing here? I live here, ass - Yeah, I know.
- And I'm just visiting.
You didn't get any of my mail by mistake, did you? - Willie Nelson? - Hang on.
Let me look.
Eat me.
If it shows up, bring it over.
If you dare.
- God, I suck.
- Okay, sit down.
Tell me.
How did it go? You told them your name, right? Yeah.
Blood Feast Island Man.
Just like you said.
And? What else? Come on, don't be shy.
Of course Blood Feast Island Man does thirst for blood.
Yes.
The thirst is part of his pain - because the devil had sex with a dog - Yeah.
- and your mother - I know about that.
- was that very dog.
- Yeah, I know.
And as you know, because you wrote it, I do feel the need to kill again.
You crave it.
And I guess our friend Carl knows that pretty well by now.
You know what I mean? Yeah, pretty much.
I think he got the point, you know what I mean? - I'll get it.
You sit there.
- Here, have a taste.
- No! Don't touch me! - How you doing? - I'm going back to the attic.
- I'm going back next door.
He's got AC over there.
You didn't do jack, did you? Blood Feast Island Pansy! Which is your new name until you earn the right to kill.
Ring it again.
Come on out, Carl! Touch the handle! Come on! We're not gonna do anything! - Ring it again.
He's in there.
- Are we trying to kill him or scare him? Killing is scary.
Come on, it's Halloween.
I don't know if I want to be a part of this.
Too late.
This is your work.
It's got your name all over it.
Enough of this Fine.
Thanks, Carl.
We didn't want you to come out anyway! Why don't you stay in there and have a little more drinky-drinky on me? Lower the blood.
Which lever is it? There's, like, three of them.
- I said: do it! - Okay, I got it.
- You hear me? - Hell, yeah! - Yeah, that was frigging awesome! - Yeah.
Give me some skin! No, thank you.
I think I got enough of your skin on my face here.
Come on, boy.
I know where he lives.
We gonna scare him good.
Okay, let's review.
What happened? We did it, Guy.
High five.
All right.
Over here, please.
You should have seen his face.
You did see it.
- You were there.
- No, I did.
And I guess my eyes rolled back into my head once it reached the height of demonification.
You're right.
I looked over.
That's what you were doing.
Yeah, that's typical with dark powers of this nature and Carl is freaking right now.
- Yeah.
What's left of him.
- Yeah.
You got me there.
Okay, I'm gonna go back up to the attic, get some juice, recharge my batteries.
You rest up, because Carl's just the beginning.
Tonight shall be forever.
- Willie, you up there? - Yeah, come on up.
- I actually found some mail for you.
- I just gotta get the light.
Here we go.
Just a missing persons thing? Wait.
I know this guy.
- Oh, God.
- Hang on.
He's over here.
I just wanted to check out the Oh, my God, no! Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's a total mess right now.
- It's usually not like this.
- Boo! - I had you go - Wait a second here.
Oh, my goodness.
Juice! I'm sorry.
Did anyone want some juice? Guys?