Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Clowning

6-inch on wheat, no mayo.
Hang on.
Weird? My ass has finally decided to eat my hand! It hungers for more! Yeah.
Just the one hoagie.
Hey, Carl.
Man, you're looking good today.
- You lost some weight, didn't you? - Maybe a couple of pounds, you know.
You're here about the termites, aren't you? Yeah, partly.
Certainly not gonna sign for anymore packages with the word "Congo" written in blood.
Did the termites come? I want to name mine Bobby.
Come over and take your pick.
There's millions to choose from.
Come here, boy.
Come on, boy.
We'll take Bobby off your hands.
You can handle the rest, right? Fine.
You know, whenever.
Just before the house disappears.
I got to say, you're taking this pretty well.
You're usually pissed off when we pull stuff like this.
I don't lose my cool as much anymore.
I've gone through some changes in the past 24 hours.
Come here, Bobby.
- Do you have a brush I could borrow? - We don't.
We're all bald.
I got me one.
I use this for my teeth and my hair.
Yeah, I forgot.
I live next to a third-world hellhole.
Never mind.
Wait a minute.
Carl, I got what you need.
Here's a ribcage from a chicken I didn't eat.
Now, cave men would actually use this to straighten their hair in the olden days No! No one touches this mane with a fricking chicken bone.
This cost me plenty.
I mean, it's natural hair, but I mean, it came from an animal.
- Can you tell it's fake? - Really? It's fake? Sure, yeah, it's fake.
What are you, stupid? Look at it.
That's some damn space-age material you got Put the flame away.
You all are being rude to our only neighbor.
Now stop.
You're being rude to me.
Don't chain me down with your manners.
- All right, I guess I'll go buy a brush.
- You can buy this one! Could have sworn I had one from middle school It's gonna end up on your lawn anyway.
"I couldn't help but notice we made eye contact.
"I really like your shoes.
"Try laughter.
Laughter is a good " Screw this.
This is lame.
I saw you checking out my goods.
You want a sampling? A little try before you buy, huh? Come here, bitch! Stand and deliver! "Come here, bitch"? Please.
Be polite.
- How did you fricking get in here? - Powers.
I have them.
- So it was a rug! - Of course it's a rug.
Yeah, I frigging grew it overnight.
Yeah, I knew it.
I'm not dumb.
Just making conversation with you.
Make it on your way out, okay? Look, I've dealt with a lot of rugs before.
The number one thing you don't want to do, is wear it to bed because you will swallow it.
Wasn't gonna do that.
Now get out of here! And you don't want to pass that thing, let me tell you.
Damn it.
Fricking come off.
You got the Boston box set.
I'm just gonna borrow this, okay? No, don't touch it! Damn it! Where's the frigging pry bar? Are you still asleep? Now listen up.
You are playing a deadly game wearing that wig to bed.
You want to wake up hanging from it? - How did you get in here? - Science fiction! Was my hair this curly last night? Why, are you fishing for compliments? That's a horrible personality trait.
Nobody likes No.
Look at my hair.
It's actually rocking a little harder now.
Yeah! Your hair! It's always about what you have and you own.
Know this! If you're an object, don't ever cross me.
I proved it to your CD, I proved it to your window and I proved it to your record player and your lawn mower and I will prove it to anything else I know.
Man, I am looking good.
Need to get that "screaming for vengeance" shirt and score big time! The clowning has begun.
Who said? Someone say something? Hello? Frigging air vent.
Prepare to scream for vengeance, ladies! God! I wanted him to see me say it! I wanted to say, "Me, over here.
I said it.
" Don't you want to occasionally freak people out? You got it, bud.
You think he won't figure it out when his feet grow to the size of pontoons? Look, I'll handle this, Bingo.
You just go back to your little midget car and your big feet, and you fly around, man.
Good, that means you're leaving.
Now fricking go, you stupid clown.
This is just one of my many rental properties.
I'm a rich man.
Come on in.
Let's see where this 12-pack takes us.
Frylock, someone's trying to break into Carl's house.
That is Carl, Meatwad.
- That person got a woman.
- A woman? A woman? Hang on.
Let me shave.
Damn it, how do I shave? Solo! Oh, baby.
- That's rocking.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I wrote that.
It's called, "I want to rock your body.
" And then in parentheses it says, "to the break of dawn.
" That's beautiful.
It's like poetry.
I want to rock your body, baby.
Easy, big boy.
- Take your shirt off! - Shut up, man.
She's gonna do it.
Let's go! Let's see some skin! Pick me up.
Let me see.
I want to see.
You're not mature enough.
Twist those dirty bags! Don't you worry.
I'm getting rid of them right now.
See if they want to join us.
Jackpot! I knew there was something special about you.
I'm not just saying that 'cause you're a whore.
But you are a total whore.
Hey, the lady asked you a question, Carl.
- No.
No, that ain't happening here.
- Why not, Red? Red? Where's that coming from? You know, Carl, sometimes hair dyes can be dangerous.
Are you sure that thing if FDA approved? Yeah, hair dyes.
I'm Duran Duran.
What are you frigging talking about? It looks like you might be having a reaction to it.
I don't color my hair.
I ain't no fruit.
And I'm about to prove it to you.
So you watch if you want, 'cause I think she kind of gets off on it.
Damn it! There's something wrong with that wig.
Wake up.
Drink your beer.
Make you feel better, baby.
We need to check it out.
Let's go.
No way.
I'm checking this out.
Moles? All right, wait for me.
It's like a negative planetarium, all that thing.
'Cause she's got all those moles! - I get it.
- You gotta work with me on this.
It ain't making me laugh, but I get it.
All right.
You know, you guys take the fun out of living.
Oh, my God! Just as I thought.
Shake, take a look at this.
It's a classic case.
It's by the book.
- He's got it, doesn't he? - That's right.
His hair possesses a strain of galactic DNA from the Clownacillus organism.
Yes, I know that.
I could have told you that out on the lawn.
But what does it mean? It's bacteria, Shake, an ancient and rare bacteria.
And the wig that Carl has is full of it.
- Put that down.
- I'm listening.
Just because I'm not looking at you doesn't mean I'm not listening, Frylock.
Okay, look.
It makes the feet larger discolors the hair, and splotches the skin.
Symptoms include juggling, riding a unicycle, and talking with a horn.
Now, does that sound like anything you know? - Sure, I will in a minute.
- Did you hear what I just said? I have to, because I get yelled at if I don't, and then I'll get an "F.
" Don't go! Where are you going? Get away from me! My God! You're a clown! I was just getting ready to rock your world.
What's going on? Carl, let her go.
You're highly infectious.
Carl, I'm afraid you've been clowned! Yeah, I thought my flip flops felt a little tight.
If you want me to help you, please set those down.
They're very expensive.
I fricking can't.
I need to do this.
And the microscope.
Four, ladies and gentlemen! Put those down! Carl, it's your wig.
We need to destroy that wig.
No, we will not do that.
It gave me confidence and almost sex.
Have you seen it lately, Carl? Yeah.
Get rid of that.
Please get it off my head.
Here we go.
What the Damn! God, that hurts! Hang on, Carl.
I'll be right back.
Don't worry.
I know what I'm doing.
I have no fricking idea what I'm doing.
The flamethrower.
I'll go get it.
No, don't do that! I like this Carl.
He's funny! What we need to do is have us a fun party.
You know what I mean? Yes.
We can rent him out for parties! - Can I go to the party? - I don't know.
- Can you afford Carlozo? - Shut up, Shake.
This is serious.
You don't even know how to party.
And five, ladies and Use the time machine.
That worked.
That's what I said.
Use the time machine.
We don't have a time machine.
I feel kind of funny.
Like, ha-ha funny.
My God, it's spreading faster than I thought.
Okay, that's it.
What? We'll just freeze him until I can figure out a cure.
Sixty-seven years into the future, bitch.
That coat rack just broke.
- What is it? What? - I said the coat rack broke! Chet? Ken? - What the hell was his name? - Eat your own damn milk.
And that's how the wig works.
You know.
I mean, of course you know.
Stop telling me to do things!