Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - T-Shirt Of The Living Dead

They are so stuck with that bill.
It's not even funny.
But I'm laughing anyway.
Ha ha ha! Oh, man, are those meat-cravers? Well, four million of them are.
I had some with olives, too.
I remembered they liked that.
I'm not Satan.
You think maybe they'll, uh, they'll, you know, get pissed and maybe prank us and order us a bunch of pizzas? Yeah, that smells pretty good.
I think I'm getting kind of hungry.
Me, too.
Dudes! My name is Shake-Zula The mike ruler, the old schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to ya Frylock and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, G Driving in my car, living like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes And I'm a Taurus Uh, check-check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, G.
Oh, God! How much longer? Egypt is so boring! It doesn't even exist! I mean, you don't hear DMX rap about it.
I find that this is highly effilligent and edumacationist for my brain because I am smart, boy.
You tell me how this is gonna help you get a high power, six-figure job.
You think they ask Tom Cruise this stuff before he signs on his movies? No one has to know this ever! Shake, just go back to the gift shop and let Meatwad and I enjoy the exhibit, OK? You need me here.
I am a strong counterpoint to the headphone.
Hey, who's this old boy here? Is that DMX? Oh, that's Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead.
Hey! Hey, look! Over here.
Look at this.
What's that mean in Egypto? Well, that's you telling me to sit and spin.
Bingo! Now do it.
Shut up, Shake, I'm trying to hear this.
Legend has it that Osiris, the Egyptian god of the dead wore this ancient T-shirt on hot days in his under in the underworld.
It was given to him by an ancient Oh, my god I am the boringest guy in the world Shake, shut up.
Some say it gave him the power to know and do anything.
And that's why most of the dead in the underworld referred to him as an ass.
Damn! That is some kind of magic T-shirt.
Yeah, it is.
Now continue to your left and view Egypt's pathetic and ignorant attempt at a cellular phone.
Come on, Shake.
You go ahead.
I'll be right there.
Look at you.
You thinkin' about stealing that shirt, ain't you? I'm thinking about it, yes.
- Now, take the form of a hammer.
- OK.
Now what? Hey, how you doing? No.
It's mine! No way! I'm keeping this.
I had to get him in trouble for this.
You think I like getting my friends in trouble? I didn't say anything.
You thought it.
I read your mind! Oh, yeah? Well, what am I thinking? Ho ho ho ho.
Oh, that's cute.
You're trying to come up with something for me to think of, but you can't 'cause your brain is permanently unplugged.
You know, he may be right.
I think that that T-shirt does work.
Well, Shake, I do know that you are gonna take that T-shirt back.
But this gives me the power to know it all.
Well, back there, you said it gave you the power to read minds.
So, which is it? Um I don't know.
But you said that you know it all.
And now you say you don't know? It has powers, OK! Everyone, OK?! And now you're gonna say it smells like ass.
Because it does smell like ass, man.
That T-shirt is over five million years old.
You know what I'm thinking? That you better wash the ass out of that shirt.
Well, who better to wash the ass out of that shirt than my slave which is you! Go forth to the washroom and work for my health you dirty jackal! What the hell's taking so long? You need to chill.
I've got a whole load in here.
A load?! What could you possibly have in there? You're prancing around here naked like you're livin' the freakin' summer of love! I'm washing my Christmas sock, boy.
I want to be prepared for when Santa comes.
Santa is not coming this summer! Yes, he is! I put on your T-shirt and called out to him with my brainwaves.
You did what?! The T-shirt is not to be abused! It is to be thrown in there with a full bottle of bleach in very hot water.
Shake, I read the tag.
It said cold water only.
Oh, yeah, like you can read a bunch of birds and squiggles.
I can.
I decide what will be airbrushed on the back! - All right.
- All right! Oh, shoot.
Look at this.
Hey, here's your thing.
Well, at least it's clean, you know what I mean? Yeah, and as soon as I get it on I'm gonna clean out your little skull with a possessed ice cream spoon but I'm gonna have a demon do it because I'm very tired.
- Shake, stop.
- Someone please yank on this.
Shake! Shake, stop! You're gonna rip it.
- Rip this.
It'll fit.
- No, it won't.
- Yes, it will.
- No, it won't.
The only person who can wear this now is Meatwad.
Hello, hand-me-down.
Oh, yeah? Well, put it on.
- And do my bidding! - OK.
There we go.
What do you bid? Let's, uh why don't we call up a oh, I know! How about a plague of snakes to devour you for your insolence! OK, hang on.
Ha! Hey! Let's play hide-and-seek, Meatwad! - Ha ha ha ha ha! - What the is that the plague of snakes I asked for? I don't know.
Hey, is you the plague of snakes he asked for? Uh-uh.
I'm the Easter bunny! - He the Easter bunny.
- I know that! Well, let me let me let me take another crack at it, hold on.
I'm the Easter bunny's twin brother Darryl! This is ridiculous! You know what? I'm just gonna go to the mall.
I'll have my cell phone on, OK? In case something goes wrong, hit me on the cell.
Well, I feel like we got a communication breakdown here.
'Cause, you know, you say snakes and all I hear from you is Easter bunny, Easter bunny, Easter bunny.
All right, look, let's just go with something simple first.
All right.
Here's something simple.
- Ho ho ho! - Santa Claus! What is wrong with you?! Master Shake, you've been a naughty boy today.
Don't play with me, fat man! Santa, did you get my letter?! Meatwad, why did you call me in the middle of July? I want me some presents.
I've been a good boy for the first quarter of this year and most of the second quarter.
It's the middle of July! - I was sleeping.
- Well, but I The sweet little elves don't even come in till September.
OK, but, well I want a unicorn with a horn and a banana seat and a banana suit, too.
Put give me that.
Well, I'll just waltz on down to the free present store! You think I have money to buy all that? Oh, please no.
No, not that kind of horn! Come on, use your head.
Well, I didn't do it.
You did it.
- Oh.
- Does anyone have any coffee? Eh, getting there.
I'm sorry.
He just woke me up, and it pisses me off.
Oh, that'll work for now.
But no telling what I'm gonna want later.
All right, stop.
This is my shirt and you are not abusing it properly.
Look out there, then.
How's that grab you? Ho ho ho ho! What is going on out here? Why, it's a big old happy Easter egg Oh, god! Hey! There's a freakin' Easter egg in my yard! Well, that's probably Eggzilla, Carl.
He's that fire-breathing Easter egg come out of my mind.
Of course! Well, it could be his girlfriend.
My suit is melting into my skin! 'Cause in my mind now, he's going steady.
Oh, yeah.
No, there's two of them now.
He's at the prom.
Hey, make sure the house is completely crushed if you could.
That's OK.
They're in love.
Hey, where you going? Hey, what are you doing? You missed my car! Help me out with this! Yeah, there we go! Oh, my God, what is going on here? Didn't I tell you to call me?! Well, hell, I ain't got your number.
Oh, thank you, Frylock.
If I survive I'm gonna beat the out of that little meatball! Look, Santa, I am so sorry.
Meatwad just got a little carried away, that's all.
He got a lot carried away.
You know that remote controlled race car he wants? Oh, yeah, he's gonna get it far up his ass! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down, now, Santa.
I might see if the reindeer like meat this year! Now, please.
Now, Santa, you don't want Get out of my way.
Don't try to get up.
You need to rest and Oh, and you! You're his ass-wipe roommate, aren't you? Oh, if I go down, who will deliver the toys? - Toys? I - You?! I don't know.
You have no idea how it works, do you? Don't even have a clue.
You know what? Let me borrow your phone.
Ho ho ho ho.
I'm gonna call the police.
No, I don't think so.
You're not gonna do that.
Is that is that a mirror? Bring that to me.
How does my face look? - Well - Like a monster.
No! No, you Oh, kids aren't gonna want to see me under the mistletoe No, no, no! You're OK.
You're all right.
Soon as you grow your beard back and your eyebrows.
I'm Horror Claus.
Oh, God! It's getting cold in here.
Uh-oh, you're going into shock.
- No, I'm not! - Meatwad, get in here! Yeah, take a look at what you've done to me! - Yes, sir? - You need to fix this! Fix what oh, my goodness! Why don't you just give him a big chocolate Easter bunny? Yeah! That'll work.
I said, why don't you just give him a big chocolate Look, what am I supposed to do here with this? I know.
You were asleep.
- He broke in.
- Meatwad! He flipped a switch, bad wiring lights him on fire.
Don't listen to him.
No one knows he's down here.
Come on.
I don't like the way this T- shirt is making you act! Oh, is that right? You got a mind to rat me out? No, no, no, no, Meatwad.
Nothing like that.
Please, look you've got that T-shirt on.
Just just do something, will you? OK, OK, OK.
Just look let me let me concentrate here for a second.
Oh, boy! A new unicycle! Oh, man, lookin' good! The elves kind of whipped it up for me at the last minute.
You gonna be able to do this yourself next year.
You'll be bouncing around in no time, ol' Soccer Claus Santa Claus.
Santa Claus is what I said.
It's important that I don't leave this tent until the graft fully takes hold to my muscles because this is my skin now.
Oh, God! It's OK.
It's OK, Santa.
Just take your time.
Remember, we do have a lot of houses to go through.
- So, whenever you're ready - Oh, yeah.
I can't see too well with the soccer ball lids.
Take it easy.
It's OK.
But I think that this is Jeffy's place.
And if I remember correctly, he wants a wooden train.
Great! Did you hear that, Meatwad? Yep.
Here it is.
His very own wooden brain.
Train, you idiot! Train! Don't you talk ugly to me.
I mean, I'll send you to the moon with my magic shirt.
Yeah, I know, master.
Jeffy's just gonna have to bite the bullet on this one 'cause it has been a long night and we ain't even done the eastern seaboard yet.
Just give it to him.
He's not a not a bright child.
Can I ask a question, master? You you said we would be trading off at some point.
Is that close? We gonna finish up America, then we do Europe then you knock out the Middle East yourself.
- you! - Cry me a river, bitch.
Dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden