Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Dirtfoot

My name is Shake Zula the Mike Ruler the Old-Schooler you want to trip I'll bring it to ya ? Frylock and I'm on top rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, g drivin' in my car livin' like a star ice on my fingers and my toes and I'm a Taurus uh, check-check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream 'cause we are the Aqua Teens make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream ? "Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
" Number one in the 'hood, g.
[burp] Next week on "Bruno Sardine, Private Inbreastigator" Oh, baby, you were stung by a bee.
I know, and it hurts.
Oh, no, Bruno.
Oh, my! My top magically came off.
That's next week on "Bruno Sardine, Private Inbreastigator.
" Shut that crap off.
But this is Bruno Sardine.
I know who it is, Shake-- the porno detective who keeps hurting himself so he can get laid.
Here, cut me in half, quick! No, Shake.
But her top came off, magically! What are those things? I want to get some.
It's just tv, ok? Tv! Look, I am perfectly aware of the difference between the tv and the flesh world we live in, like from "videodrome," right? You seen it? Frylock, what is it to loathe someone? It's got blondie.
Ha! Let me tell you where she ain't a blonde.
Go to bed! [door slams] I will! With women.
? 2, 3, uh, yeah Shake to the beat ? Shake.
Shake, what--what the hell? [heavy metal music blaring] Yo, Shake! [music continuing] [microphone feedback] [music stops] Help! Is that you, Frylock? When did we get a well? What are you doing down there? I was just going to fetch water for the village, and I must have slipped.
I blacked out.
Where's the women? Where did this well come from? Hey, Frylock, where the hell did we get this well? Meatwad, you watch your mouth.
Heh heh heh! Come on.
The old abandoned well? Read the press release! "Man falls down old abandoned well--" Hey, Frylock.
Ass.
Meatwad! There's only a limited number of those, so, you know, put it back when you're done.
Oh, I am done.
[distant beeping] And so is my dinner.
[sniffing] Something smells like chili.
He's right.
For the first time in his mealy, friggin' little life.
Turns out there's an old abandoned microwave where I got stuck, with chili and food, couple magazines.
So call channel 5, get them broads over here, and tell them about the tragedy of my trappedness.
Work into it, though.
Build it up.
Hot women-- Turn this ass monkey on, full blast.
Will you quit saying, "ass"?! I just assed you to do something for me.
Meatwad, you watch your mouth.
I said "ask"Blasthole.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, weezie, you're a card! You hear that? Florence, will you ever get that door? That's "The Jeffersons.
" I want to go get trapped where he does.
No, Meatwad.
Nobody's getting trapped, ok? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I am in a race against time down there with a shattered leg and-- does this look shattered? It's got to look shattered.
Hey, go back down there, or I'm gonna dump this soup on you.
Wait, whoa.
I'm getting crossed sig--ow! Oh, I didn't! Remove the chain, 'cause that's off it.
That was a good one.
So, uh, what else you earth dwellers doing up here, on the surface? Livin' large, boy.
Livin' so large.
Just gonna have dinner.
But, since, you know, it's on your face and all--oh! I did not! Hey, we could heat this up in ye old abandoned microwave.
I could use some help wiring the old abandoned surround-sound system.
I got the old abandoned bad boys box set.
Huh? Huh? What about water, Shake? Any water in that well? Bottled.
Oh, yeah, and, uh, the old abandoned hot tub.
Hot tub? Damn.
What else you got down there? Tons and tons of rubbers.
Come on, I'll show you.
What, do I just sort of fall down in there? Yeah, we fall into the old abandoned well, right? Ha ha ha! Come on.
We take the elevator.
[elevator humming] Friggin' thing takes forever.
So what's going on? Anything? Livin' large-- You--you take the handicapped rail because youHandicapped! Men--uh, mentally.
Heh heh, yeah.
You a sissy.
You're the sissy, you stupid--would a sissy have rubbers lining every inch of his house?! Just calm down and get your ass in here! What floor, all of them? Ha ha ha ha! [distorted laughing] Oh, come on! Off the chain.
See? I fooled ya.
Ha ha ha ha! There's only one floor.
So, what do you think? I got to make it like my hand is trapped in the old abandoned ice maker? You like this? Brushed metal.
[groaning] Hey, who's this old boy? Oh, that's my roommate.
More like doommate.
Wait a minute.
That's the legendary dirt monster, Dirtfoot! Shh, don't even look at him.
No, for real? The Dirtfoot? Yeah.
Hey, it was real nice of you not to rinse your bowls off in the sink, Dirtfoot! That's real legendary of you.
I always thought Dirtfoot was just a hoax.
Me, too.
Oh, no, he is real.
No, he's very real.
And he likes to leave his very real giant sock draped over the couch like it was a friggin' afghan so that others can enjoy the very real odor of his [growling] You do realize that this is your media story, don't you? I'm not giving it to him! It's about me! I'm about me, and women! [growling] Let's go, like, over here.
This guy's been driving me ape-[burp].
Well, why don't you just evict him? It's your well.
Shh, shut up, man.
UmBecause he hurts me.
You know, I always heard that Dirtfoot was kind of Here we go.
What, Meatwad, what? Well, you know, I mean, legend has it that he's kind of an [burp]-hole.
You see?! I'm not the only one that-- oh, no! Ok.
It wouldn't be as bad, except he keeps kicking in exactly the same spot.
All right, Shake, well, I've seen him.
We're going back now.
All right, well, look, just please call the media.
I got no reception down here-- ah! What did I do? Tonight, on "Inappropriate Mysteries of the Jersey Shore," the immortal legend of Dirtfoot.
Oh, change it.
[roaring] Change it, change it, change--burp--change it! Oh, now you're blocking it! Dirtfoot has long been known to be rude, but the biggest secret of Dirtfoot is that many witnesses claim him to be gay.
Whoa! A little light in the loafer! The only known photo of him is at this gay pride parade.
He's totally gay.
Hey, don't look at me.
I don't have the same problem that jesus has with it.
I don't hate you people.
We're cool, as long as you don't try to convert me, and I'm locking my bedroom door from now on, I can tell you that.
Holy--whoa! [deadpan] Oh, it's you.
Thank God you're alive, but how? Shut up! I got problems, all right? I'm supposed to be getting some, big-time, on account of my tragedy, but now everyone thinks I'm gay.
Who's everyone? Oh, [burp] harlem globetrotters, for one.
Curly, meadowlark.
That's why they haven't called.
No one thinks you're gay, Shake.
Look, it takes time and hard work to become gay.
I mean, you need another person to influence your weak emotions.
You know Dirtfoot, down in the well? Hold on.
Ok, he loves dudes.
I so busted him cutting pictures of a jeep out of a magazine.
Then, yesterday, he drew my bath water, and he gave me that look like, "Hey, I wear running shorts.
" It's ok, Shake, 'cause whoever you decide that you are, I'm still gonna love you But just not in a gay way 'cause God makes all people different sizes and shapes and problems, but he only makes the people he hate gay.
That's you.
You it, boy.
You gay.
No, I'm not! You don't know me! Hey, Frylock, what is gay? What does that mean? Look, Shake, just because you don't want to admit you like living with a gay person doesn't mean you can't legally marry in the church.
I know.
Wait.
Look, the right thing to do is to accept him for his difference, or you could just cut his head off, hide the body in the desert.
That'd be different.
Meatwad! Someone's been off the chain again.
Look, just call channel 5, get some women over here.
Uh, my hand's stuck in The mailbox.
All right.
Let's do this thing.
Go.
Help! My hand is stuck in the mailbox! I need help, assistance! [groaning] Oh, not you! Oh, this looks so bad.
Oh, yeah, they've been pretty much common-law married for years.
It's cool.
I don't have a problem with that.
I'm fine with it.
I don't think it's, you know, constitutional, but, you know, they do whatever they want, as long as they ain't flaunting it out in my yard or nothing 'cause, you know, I'm a man.
[distant shouting] Oh, oh, wait, wait.
There they are.
They're the gay ones.
No pictures! Hey, where's my money here? Seen here taking his lover in his arms.
You don't have to be gay to like Dirtfoot, you just have to be gay to be Dirtfoot.
Or, to be Dirtfoot, you have to be gay.
Oh! I guess what we're saying here at channel 5 is Dirtfoot is gay, and so is that milkShake.
Wow.
This sucks.
It's ok, Shake.
We know you're not gay.
Thank you, Frylock.
So we got you a little going away present.
Going away? You know we ain't living with no jay person.
Is it--is it "jay"? Oh, gay, gay.
Sorry.
We ain't livin' with no gay dude.
Come on, man.
Well, what's the present? You've learned a valuable lesson in tolerance.
Great.
So what you're saying is, no present whatsoever.
[knock on door] You haven't learned anything at all from this experience, have you? Sir-- Hey, baby! I'm so sorry.
I think I hit your dog Check this out.
Uh-oh.
With my swords.
Uh, that's not a dog.
I'm straight! Look at me! Oh, no.
My top just came off.
Well, will you look at that! Ah ah ah! Don't look, Meatwad.
Well, will you let me look at those? No.
Oh, dear.
I'll look.
Yeah, uh people treat dirt like dirt the star because they got plenty money cocaine in the car got a big old [burp] about 6 feet tall and he [burp] more bitch than the movie stars uh, uh, yeah dirt like dirt dirty dirt Oh, yeah