Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Hand Banana

My name is Shake Zula the mike ruler the old-schooler you want to trip I'll bring it to ya Frylock and I'm on top rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, g drivin' in my car livin' like a star ice on my fingers and my toes and I'm a Taurus uh, check-check it, yeah 'cause we are the Aqua Teens make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream 'cause we are the Aqua Teens make the homeys say ho and the girlies want to scream ? "Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
" Number one in the 'hood, g.
You know what? I want a dog.
Well, let's go make one.
Frylock, I want some money.
Well, then get a job.
He ge--da--da-- He gets what he wants.
Just make it for him! With make your own dog 1.
0, all you need is the software, some imagination, and a 5,500-gallon radioactive nuclear cooling facility.
Where we gonna get one of them? Have you seen what they're doing back there? What are you talkin' about? Back where? I'm telling! Telling on who? What? Meatwad and Frylock.
They told me not to tell anyone, but I'm telling you.
Why, what are they doing? [beeping] It ain't working.
Oh, let's see.
I'm gonna break it.
Oh, you're supposed to add dna.
What's a dna? It stands for "do not--", uh, "in my pool.
Assman.
" See? See what they're doing? I don't know it even knows! Carl, do me a favor and spit in that pool.
Oh, you mean my pool? Oh, is this your pool? Yeah, it is.
Can I go swimming? No, you may not.
How about if I swim in it? No.
Do you mind if we make a dog in it? Yeah, I do mind, very much, if that's cool.
Yeah, he does mind.
He hasn't been using it.
That's not the point, it's-- He's going to very soon.
Just 'cause I haven't been using it doesn't mean, like, here, turn it into a dog laboratory.
Come on, Carl, we'll be done with this dog in a minute.
[beeps] [barks] See? Look, uh-- Wait a minute, that's weird.
I don't think we ever put any DNA in there.
Hey, surf's up! No, Shake! What? I can't splash? [buzzing] [beeps] [barks] All right, my dog's ready.
[barks] Well.
Look at that.
Now that's a dog.
Look at him, he's so cute.
Yes, he is! Yes, he is.
So, whatcha gonna name him? Call him something cute like Mr.
Something.
Like Mr.
Balls.
Or how about, uh, ooh! Thunder Pussy.
Shut up, I got a name, and it's Hand Banana.
Come here, Hand Banana.
All those good ones and that's the one you take? Yes, we like it.
Best one in the whole world, Yes, you are.
Hey, I gotta admit, He is kind of cute.
Tonight You Ha ha ha! What do you think he means? "Tonight, you.
" Like he's threatenin' me or something.
Who the hell are you talking to, Tubs? uh, Friggin Hand Banana over there.
He said, uh, "Tonight, you!" [laughs] Come on, Carl.
He's a dog.
See? Yeah.
I'm just a dog.
[barks] Look at him.
Keep it up, Carl.
They may just haul you off.
You hear him? He's pretty funny.
Ha ha! Come on, Hand Banana, let's play.
Get out here, get away from the creepy man.
[barking] Remember Tonight.
Come on, boy! Come on! Here, boy! Here, boy! Come on, ok--ok, here goes! Fetch, boy, fetch! All right, that was fun! Let's do it again.
Oh, great.
Looks like our canine friend left a little present here on my chair.
Yep.
Someone delivered some baked goods.
How did he know I love baked goods? Look at these, they look delicious! I don't know.
Maybe he's a pastry chef.
Well, would you look at that.
He is a pastry chef! MM, these baguettes are so fresh! I mean, these must've just come out of the oven.
Mmm.
Excuse me.
You know, that dog has really brought this family together.
He's really a good dog.
What the hell? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Bad boy.
Bad boy.
You live over there.
Go--go back to the freaks.
Who you callin' boy? My name's Hand Banana.
What you--you talkin' to me, here? No, not anymore.
We're done talking.
Hang on.
Let me bend over and pick this thing up-- Hand Banana, no! Your new dog is one of a kind.
He will roam the earth looking for a match long after you're dead, and watch out, your new dog may try to mind link with certain members of your family.
Hah, good luck with that.
He never mind linked with me.
He's a good boy.
Well, I tell you what.
As long as I get these muffins, I don't give a crap what he does.
He's a winner in my book.
In fact, I'm gonna make a couple dogs tonight.
Start a restaurant with them, call it "Dogs.
" I'm gonna work on that name, too, 'cause that does not seem good to me.
[barking] There's the Hand Banana! Good boy.
Oh, he's not a boy anymore.
He's a man, 'cause he just raped me! Do you think you could back that up? Listen to this guy.
Back that up--I got bruises to prove it! No, no, I mean that ass.
Back it up.
Yeah.
Do you hear what he's saying here? Sounds like someone wants to get raped again.
Come on, Carl, he hasn't even been here one day.
How can he possibly learn the english language? See.
All I know is "Ball" and "Good.
" And rape.
Yeah, you know it well.
I bend over for the remote and boom! You're there! Watch this.
[whines] I'm sorry, Carl, but I think that you need to leave.
You're upsettin' Hand Banana.
Yeah, well, you know, he upset me pretty bad, too.
I don't know if I can sleep anymore.
You ever been raped by a dog? Uh-uh.
See, think that's what hell is like, you know, constantly raped by dogs.
Carl-- that, you know, I don't know if I believe in God, but-- I think he must hate me.
Carl! 'cause he allowed you to create a dog that constantly rapes me! Ok, Carl, that's it.
Just go home, all right? yeah, just go on home.
You need to just go home and lie down for awhile.
Mm.
Face down.
If I see that dog again, he's dead.
Yeah, bye-bye.
He's dead! Ok.
See ya.
[ringing] Hello? Hey, Carl, it's Frylock.
Look, I sent Hand Banana to the pound, ok? I figured, hell, if he's raping you, then he is a bad dog.
Good.
He's a friggin' menace.
And, uh, you know, technically he's supposed to be spayed, and he ain't that, ha ha.
I know that first hand.
Go ahead, ask me how I know.
Try it.
Ask me.
Ask me how I know.
Uh, Carl? H-hold on one second, ok? [slurping] Mm-mm.
Ahh, ok, I'm back, look.
You don't need to worry about Hand Banana anymore.
So, uh, what are you wearing? What the hell are you talking about? Nothing.
Ahem, nothing, just an idle question.
Ok, here comes Frylock.
[dial tone] [growling] Hello? Oh, man, that is a load off my mind knowing that rapist is gone.
Man, it feel good out here.
I might just, uh, get nude.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Shine some sun-- where the sun don't shine, you know what I mean? Ha ha ha ha ha! Long past the point of caring on this.
You, uh, basting that turkey today? Huh? What's that? I think it's time to take a temperature.
See if the meat's just right.
No! No! Yeah, baby! Pearl it! Pearl! You cut my pearl, bitch! I totally did pearl 2.
Where's Hand Banana? I don't know, Carl, I'm busy right now.
Just sort of set my drink right behind me, here.
I got a little present for your dog next time he shows up and tries to make unwanted sexual advances towards me.
He's gonna get stuck, 'cause I filled every orifice of my body with wacky glue.
That's a stupid thing to do, Carl.
What? I said I filled every orifice of my body with wacky glue! Eh, you have something to drink? I feel like my throat's kind of dry.
I put a bunch of wacky glue in there-- and now it's kind of closin' up, call 9-1-1! [barks] [coughing] No! No! He's about to rape me! No, Carl, see, look.
He's gonna rape me! [coughing] He's an expert on CPR.
He saved your life.
You all right, big guy? Yeah I think so.
Good.
'Cause tonight You.
Go home and get some rest, Carl.
Yeah.
Don't wait up.
I'll be there soon enough.
Oh, I'll be waitin'.
You just bring it on, big man.
[buzzing] You don't know what rape is like.
For years, I thought it was funny.
Oh, yeah, rape's so funny.
Until you've been raped.
You're about to find out what that's like, Hand Banana.
Eh, let's think about this.
Oh, we're done thinking.
'cause see, every time I think, you're there, haunting my dreams.
Come on, now, I can be good.
No, see, I don't think that you can.
[barks] But I'll show you how to be good.
Hand Banana, I want you to meet-- the enforcer.
I want my name to be Spaghetti.
all right, Spaghetti.
Whatever, I don't care, just, you know, just do what I tell you.
The hell you lookin' at? I'm your father, I just made you.
Ha ha! I got your father right here, ha ha ha ha! I got your Daddy! [laughing] All right, enough talking with the dogs, here.
Spaghetti, I want you to show Hand Banana the night of his life.
[barks] Good dog, there you go.
Rape him! Rape him like he raped me! [sniffing] Do it! Do it, what are you waiting for? Eh, I'm not really that attracted to him.
What the hell do you mean you're not attracted to him? Go ahead and rape him.
I don't know, I'm done with that.
Something about you, though, it just seem like we--we click or something.
Feels comfortable, you know what I'm sayin'? Uh--yeah, well, I don't know about that, I mean, I--I did create you from some of them weird hairs, you know, that grow out of the bottom of my feet.
Wow, I got those, too! You're like the only other person that I've heard of that got those.
Hey, we got a lot in common, here.
I'm gonna rape you.
[barks] No, please! Spaghetti, no, no! Please, Spaghetti! I'm your father! Wow.
Get off my ass! You don't see that every day.
This software is illegal in over 80 countries.
You should never try to make your own dog.
I'm your father, no! Get off my ass! Ok, lock the doors.
Please, spaghetti! I'm your daddy! No, no! Spaghetti, no! Come on, Shake! Nobody wants to see that.
Go in your room.
I don't have a room.