Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Marines

My name is Shake-Zula, the Mic Rula The old schooler You want to trip? l'll bring it to you Frylock, and l'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, ''G'' Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star lce on my fingers and my toes, and l'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies want to scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, ''G'' [ inspirational music plays ] Warrior Gum -- the last gum you'll ever need.
MEATWAD: Dang, that was violent and magical.
l'm gonna get me some of that gum.
[ chomping ] How's that gum, Meatwad? Mmm.
Kicks butt.
The flavor go on and on.
Also, l joined the Marines.
You did what? l joined the Marines.
Well, that was very dumb of them to take you.
Yeah, l know.
l can't do one push-up, man, but they said that's okay.
They'd teach me.
And then they say my face will see the inside of a toilet and the inside of a fire-ant hill and maybe Germany.
But what about your singing career? l guess we'll just have to wait till my tour of dookie ends.
Music does not wait.
lt lives on.
l know.
That's what l said.
But my drill sergeant said, ''you don't say that.
You give me 20.
'' And l couldn't do one, you understand? But he said, ''that's okay.
We'll teach you.
'' And then he said my face will see the inside of a toilet and the inside of an anthill and -- Meatwad, Meatwad, l heard you the first time, okay? Well, look here, maggot.
You drop your [bleep] and grab your socks.
We shipping out in three hours.
We? MEATWAD: Yeah, you, devil dog.
And you, too, fart sack.
'Cause l get a free coupon if l sign up two of my friends.
This is for frigging gum.
Gum? [ boom! boom! ] You keep getting Marines and gum mixed up, man.
Yeah, l know.
l'm gonna pay for it big time, too.
Look, man, l'll see y'all later.
l'm going to Canada.
Whoa, fart sack, my maggots and my jarhead and my leathernecks, we sit out there on that wall protecting keyboard jockeys like you.
You want me on that wall.
You need me on that wall.
No, l don't.
Alright, see you later.
Well, pack your things, maggot.
We going to the Middle East.
Hell, no.
Let's see the Marines try to take me like this.
Shake, no! [ thunk! ] Unbelievable! They took me like this.
You smoking and joking with these potatoes or are you peeling them, maggot? You want me to peel root vegetables? How about l peel this root vegetable for you? lt's all l can do to not burst into masturbation right now as we speak.
l'm lonely out here, all right? Very lonely.
MEATWAD: Well, my men are hungry.
You peel potatoes or you give me 20.
You don't outrank me.
No, l don't.
l'm, uh, the same rank.
We're both maggots.
What are you reading? ''Seven ways to make your skin look younger.
'' l want to read that after you're done with it.
Private Shake, are you done peeling them taters, you maggot?! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you can say l'm ''well done'' with these potatoes.
[ thud! ] And you can kiss my privates.
He said we supposed to clean this so good we can eat out of it.
But l don't think that's what people are gonna do.
l think people gonna poop in it.
No, l, uh -- l'm pretty sure l heard him say, ''guard this and make sure no terrorists come out.
'' No, l remember.
He said clean it so good we can eat out of it.
Okay, you do that, and l'm gonna do what l heard, which is guard it.
And we'll see who is right.
Okay, l'm done.
That's as clean as it's gonna get.
This is not clean enough.
He said to clean it so we can eat off of it.
l heard him.
Shut up eat them potatoes.
He said we have to finish them off so we can grow big and strong into a hearty M.
Killing machine.
Hoo-hah! Ho-ho-ho.
l get -- l get -- l get hoo-hah and Santa Claus mixed up.
MASTER SHAKE: Listen, when we dock, l'm getting a tattoo of an anaconda that's coming up out of my groin region.
lt's gonna say ''badass'' in ancient script, like Egyptian, maybe.
What are you getting? Well, l want a butterfly with wispy yellow wings on my shoulder.
And underneath, it will say ''Sammy'' 'Cause l -- l wish that was my name.
Yeah seriously, when are we getting these tattoos? Just eat them potatoes.
They make me gassy.
Look, if you mash them, they'll flush.
No one will have a clue.
Oh, man, they ain't flushing.
Well, press it again.
Obviously, you're not pressing it hard enough.
This is all snafu.
lt's fubar.
Oh, god, this ain't working.
Why didn't we go to Canada like Frylock? [ coughs ] Uh, uh, where am l? Welcome to Canada, Frylock.
The key to the trap on your head is implanted in your skull just behind your right eye.
On the table in front of you is a grapefruit and a grapefruit spoon.
Do the math.
Wait, wait, wait! What's the grapefruit for? l'm not sure, actually.
l forgot.
You think you could maybe grab your jaw and just sort of rip your head open? l want to see inside there.
Rip your head open.
We should just go to Canada right now.
That's a good idea.
lt's not too late, right? No, l don't think so.
Sure, l mean, we can go any time.
Why not? lt ain't like this is the Marines or nothing.
What? lt's not? l thought it was.
[ boom! ] Well, it ain't.
What the hell?! lncoming! Wait, maybe it is.
But either way, l mean, we should be able to leave if we're not happy here.
And l'm not.
Yeah, and if we're not happy, there's no reason for us to be around.
Nobody wants somebody who's not happy.
l don't like being fired upon.
[ boom! ] - Do you? - Of course not.
So we should go.
So, should we tell someone? Oh, they'll figure it out.
l'll just text them from that big wave over there.
Let's go.
Ooh-rah! [ splash! ] Are you enjoying our little game? Yeah, it's over.
l just took it off.
You have 60 seconds.
Wait, what are you talking about? l just took it off.
Here it is.
See? Right here.
Oh, wow.
lt was only a twist tie.
DOLL: From my whole-wheat bread loaf.
You found it.
Bring it to me.
You have 60 seconds.
Where are you? l don't know.
l'm a doll.
Well, hell, you must be somewhere.
There's a camera on you.
There's a camera on me? For real? Well, what do l look like? Am l pretty? ls this all y'all do up in Canada? We speak Frenchsometimes.
Pretty much this, though.
Look, l'm going back to the United States, okay? Wait, um, why don't you, uh, jam that grapefruit spoon in your eye -- is that cool? Uh, let me think about that.
Come on, man.
Don't be a dick.
Do itor else.
Or else what? Or else that.
See what that did? What if you were eating that when that happened? Nightmare.
l am out of here.
That key is still in your head.
No, it's not.
Damn it, just hack your foot off.
Wait, Frylock.
Come on, don't go.
We have universal health care here.
lt's free if you're a citizen.
Frylock: Nope.
No, thanks.
DOLL: Come on, man.
Hang out.
l'm lonely.
Frylock, we found you! l missed your beautiful face.
How was Canada? Canada? Uh, Canada sucks.
Yeah, so does the Marines.
You know what? l did not like being confined in the bowels of a military ship or being fired upon by my enemies.
lt sucks, man.
And yet, l love crepes, and horses, and l certainly enjoy curling.
You know, Canada may not be for everyone, but, hell, l'm willing to give it a try.
Uh, Canada's over here, Shake.
Where are you going? l know where Canada is, all right?! l'm familiar with it.
l can point to it on a map.
What's in here? Why don't you go find out? Okay.
l'll do anything.
Want to play a game? - No, thank you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Come on, man, l got all the Rush records.
Come on, man, please? Just come hang out with me.
[ door closes ] Damn.
All right, let's go home.
Boy, l can't go back there.
The Marine corps is looking for me, man.
Let's go somewhere where there's a TV.
ANNOUNCER: This summer, take your family to Canada.
Come for the crepes.
Stay for the curling.
Canada -- que sera, sera.
You know, it kind of makes me think twice about visiting Canada after watching that ad.
lt's kind of like they're promoting the horror more than the natural beauty.
Come on, Shake.
TV makes everything look good.
Let's at least look into it.
Aren't y'all, uh, AWOL? Aren't you all a-hole, semper fry, do or shut up? Look, l'm just saying, Shake, it's a law, you know.
Well clearly l fought the law, and l won.
We did our time.
l served with much distinction.
Peeling taters.
Look at this serpent.
FRYLOCK: Looks like a hamster to me.
MASTER SHAKE: l did not pick that one, and that's why l'm having it lasered off tomorrow! l'm born hard! Yeah, we in huge trouble with the Marines.
Who l am suing, l'll have you know -- completely anonymously because they must not know where the hell l am at this juncture in the legal process.
This is the United States military.
Please step out of the cave immediately.
You are AWOL.
We are not leaving without you.
Oh, man.
The Marines found us.
Alpha team, go to night-vision mode.
Oh, yeah, they found us.
God, they're good.
They won't take us if we're gay.
Hurry -- do the YMCA thing.
Seriously? All right.
You do the ''M.
'' l do not comprehend.
What are you trying to convey to me? What the hell are you Kansas City [bleep] doing? They're not buying it! Look, there's only one friggin' way out of this.
We got to make out like furied monkeys.
Hold me in your arms and kiss me deep.
Let's go.
Stick your tongue down my throat.
[ smooching ] MASTER SHAKE: l sure do like this.
Mother of god, they're gay now! Let's get out of here! Everybody, evacuate back to our wholesome, non-gay base! Phew.
They're gone.
Hey, man, they're gone.
You can get off me now.
Aw, come on, guys.
You're rehashing.
That's the same joke we did in the movie, you know, the movie that earned Over $5.
5 million in international release.
Now available on DVD.
Also available -- Volume Five in the video game Zombie Ninja Pro-Am for Playstation 2.
Buy it today.
What movie? Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden