Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bible Fruit

My name is Shake-Zula, the Mic Rula, The old schooler You want to trip? l'll bring it to you Frylock, and l'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, ''G'' Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star lce on my fingers and my toes, and l'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies want to scream 'Cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say ''ho!'' and the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, ''G'' Whore! [ keyboard keys clacking ] Hey, turn on the TV.
Uh, you got hands last l checked.
l want you to do it.
'Cause l'm the master, and l have a shirt that says as much.
And l'm not afraid to break it out.
[ clears throat ] Uh, hello? What are you doing over there without me? FRYLOCK: l'm updating my Myspace page.
Well, l'm about to update your myface page with my ass unless you get in there and read us a story.
Well, l don't want to hear a story.
l want to watch a story.
No, no, the TV is tired of you looking at it.
How do you know? You don't know the TV.
l do.
l'm very good friends with the TV.
lt's how we get all the good shows.
What are you doing, Frylock? l told you once already.
Look, l'm about to whip it out, and l'm gonna urinate all over this room, and you will wish that l did not ingest all that asparagus.
All right, go ahead.
Whip it out.
He wants to come out and punish you.
Go on, show him.
Oh, l will in private because there's not enough room in here.
Check it out.
l got three new friends.
l have two friends in this room.
And Master Shake is friends with the TV.
Yes, that is true.
Why don't you ask the TV if he minds showing me some ''Futurama''? l like me some ''Futurama.
'' Well, now we're too damn cheap to receive it, so go the hell over to Carl Central and watch it till your heart's content.
Carl gets ''Futurama''? He didn't even want it until we started watching it.
Will y'all shut up? Meatwad, will you pick up this fake vomit? l'm having my new friends over for drinks, and they don't need to be seeing that, okay? Well, only some of it is fake.
Oh, yeah? l'm having friends over, too.
And believe me when l tell you, my friends will hurt your friends.
They're gonna call them names and beat the ever-loving sweet crap out of them.
This is fake, see, novelty, makes you laugh, but this is real, and this is real, and that's real.
This is fake.
This is fake, and this one's fake, and this one's fake.
l think there's a lot more real than fake down here.
Will you shut the [bleep] up and vacuum the hall? Okay.
l'm making a mojito.
Everyone who would like a mojito You know we only have one glass, Shake.
Keep your nasty mouth off of it, okay? Save it for our guests for them to share.
Someone wants a knife fight, someone l'm looking at.
You sincerely mean that? Maybe l do.
l just don't like the way you boss me.
You just calm down, all right? [ doorbell rings ] And don't say nothing like that in front of my new friends.
Where's the lucky bachelor? Well, l don't consider myself lucky, but l'm taken, guys.
Ain't that right, honey? Where's the, uh -- where's the action? There's no -- l don't see no strippers here.
Look, Carl, they're not strippers, okay? At least, l don't think so.
Two of them are guys.
Oh, so l guess, uh, l got some bad information then.
You shouldn't have gotten any information at all.
No, Carl's our wingman.
l know techniques.
He's gonna keep the strippers from running away from you when you go on your yarns about science breasts or why test tubes are fun and your simulated telescope.
Nobody cares what's up there.
They want to see the goods -- what's down here.
They're not strippers.
Two of them are men.
Well, that means one of them isn't.
And she is who l will be working over with smooth talk.
And you laugh whenever l point to you.
That makes it like l'm funny, and girls like funny guys.
And then l give her some [beep].
No, l'm the one wearing the fragrance.
[ doorbell rings ] - Hi.
- Hi.
Hello.
Oh, hey, uh, l oh, so nice to meet you.
Hi, y'all.
All right, this ain't happening.
l'll see you fruits later.
W-w-wait! Wait.
My wingman, come on.
One of them is a woman.
You poke around and figure it out.
l have standards! So, you guys are, uh -- l didn't realize.
l thought the portraits were just Avatars on the internet.
You guys are real fruit, huh? Well, sure, silly.
[ laughs ] l am Burt Banana.
This is Tammy Tangerine.
And this is Mortimer Mango.
Fruits one and all.
Well, as you guys already know, l'm Frylock, and this is my roommate -- Shake.
No, no.
l'm leaving.
That's my name, but it was very nice to meet you.
And l'm Meatwad.
l'm a ball of meat.
- Wow! - That's wonderful.
How do you do it? l'm a huge meat fan.
Hey, well, wait a second.
This is interesting.
You're food.
We're food.
We're all food.
We're gonna get along good.
Finally, together breaking bread as God intended.
Hallelujah! Uh, yeah, l guess.
Can l get you guys something? How 'bout a mojito? No, no, no.
No rum for me.
[ laughs ] Just Jesus, thank you.
Oh, you're Christian.
Oh, yes, he died for me.
Oh, praise Him.
Amen.
Have an anointed day.
All right, well, now that we have the day anointed, let's kick off the nighttime.
[ dance music plays ] Uh, uh, no.
[ music stops ] We used to party, but those days are way behind us now.
That was a different time.
We're into the holy trinity and not the eight ball.
Those are our numbers, three, okay? Oh, praise him.
We used to go out, and we would pick a runaway up or a stranger or even a hobo and just have crazy, debauched sex all night long.
lt just makes me sick to think about it.
That's actually how we met.
And of course, no one wanted to have sex with us.
We're fruit -- too gushy.
So, you know, Burt would blame me and my fat ass, and then he would hit me as hard as he could.
And you used to give me such a wallop, right, Burt? Remember that? Burt.
Remember how hard you would hit me? As hard as l could, as long as l could.
Frankly, all the hitting drained me.
l had to go to the hospital and have my hands replaced.
l was too high, too out of my mind to know l had ruined my hands hitting her.
But those days are over.
No crack for me.
No beating my fiancee.
No strangling drifters for sex.
No.
No more.
'Cause Jesus lives in my heart.
- Yay! - Yay! Yay, Jesus.
High five, Jesus.
You did it again, Jesus.
Okay, that's funny.
You didn't mention any of this in your e-mails.
Oh, l feel a prayer coming on.
Let's all bow our heads.
l got my praying hands.
Okay, start bowing now.
[ laughs ] Easy, Mortimer.
Back off.
He may not be a Christianyet.
Well, let's ask him.
Have you accepted Jesu-u-u-us As your personal savior? Well, l'm very spiritual, and l do think the church serves a place in the community.
But do you know that he died for you and absolved you of all your sin? l have read that, yes.
Then you believe.
Well, l believe that l've read it.
lnteresting, interesting.
Tell me this, have you read ''King Kong''? Uh, no.
You have? Okay, and you believe that, don't you? But before you answer me, l just, uh -- you know what? Go ahead and pour me a little bit of a full glass of that rum.
- Burt.
- No ice, no ice.
Burt, no.
Hey, l can handle it.
lt's just something to moisten my lips.
l'm not going back to the darkness, sweetie.
Burt, you've been sober for Hey, damn it, that's my rum! You don't have to pour it down the sink, man.
We're gonna do it together, right, Burt? You don't have a monkey wrench, do you? Burt, l know what you're thinking, and What? l'm not going to dismantle the pipes and drink from the U trap.
l mean, that's what an animal does.
Damn it, Mortimer, you're diluting it! Come here, honey.
Hold me.
Hold me tight.
Let's pray till it passes.
Pray till it passes.
And we'll just pray until the doves erupt from our chests and fly into the sun.
Yes.
Bow your heads.
Both: [ speaking in tongues ] Okay, nice to meet y'all and your special language.
- l got to run.
- Wait, Meatwad, don't go! l gots to, boy.
This ain't my problem.
Listen to that.
Uh, is he always like this? Jesus gives people obstacles to make them stronger so that they can win.
He plays a beautiful trick on us.
Yeah So, you said you're into science? That's -- that's kind of like my job.
l work in a cereal factory.
Get out of my way, you orange whore! Hold that thought.
[ crash! ] Stupid! Someone unscrew these pipes or l will shoot myself tonight.
l will do it this time.
No, honey, don't! Don't worry.
This happens - Damn it! - a lot.
l mean, l have his gun.
- Son of a! - No, honey, don't.
Useless surgically attached banana hands.
l am so sorry.
We're not normally like this.
Okay, all right, l see.
And now you want to have sex with the fries, is that it? Yeah, tell him some more lies.
That's what you're good at.
Lies from the wolf! l'm sorry, Burt.
Yes, you are.
A sorry sack of tangerine bitch.
Go do him.
l'll watch.
Do it before thine eyes! Oh, Burt, please don't hit me! Then get the liquor faster.
Well, y'all make yourself at home.
l need to go get some, uh Son of a-- Damn it! Aw [burp] it, l just need to go.
BURT: Come on, give me just a little bit of that booger sugar.
Burt, no, you can't.
l'll make you feel real good with my mouth.
Burt, calm down, Burt.
BURT: l will not calm down until cocaine enters my system! Check it out -- the ultimate king.
Burt, you don't want to do this right now.
BURT: Do you have some? MORTlMER: No, it is the devil.
Burt, listen to me.
BURT: You've had some this whole time.
MORTlMER: l have not touched cocaine in three years.
BURT: You liar! l will drag you right into my private hell.
You don't want to know my pain.
l have a demon inside of me! [ whip! ] [ clank! clank! ] Maybe we should just get him a little bit.
Oh, good, you're still here.
So, wow, so, before, you mentioned you were into science.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, that must be a fun job.
Look, l don't have any cocaine.
l was not going to ask you for cocaine, sir.
Good, then l don't have to answer it.
Well, l mean, l used to be an addict.
l mean, it was terrible.
Do you see this? l was building a birdhouse on drugs, and l lost two fingers.
l feverishly wanted to finish it, and l wasn't making sound decisions.
Remember my roommate, the cup you met earlier? He's filled with crystal meth.
Oh, cool.
Thanks.
Everybody split up.
We have to find the cup.
- The cup has the drugs.
- The cup.
There's crystal meth in the cup.
- Filled with magic.
- l saw the cup.
lt's in the back.
Go after it! Alright, so how do l do it now? FRYLOCK: Are you grounded? - Yep.
- Okay, good.
Now, touch the red wire to the green wire.
Okay, but what -- what about Shake? FRYLOCK: What about him? That's what l said, yo.
Bah-bah-boom! Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden