Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Hands On a Hamburger

My name is Shake-Zula, the mike ruler, the old schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to you Frylock, and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, "G" Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes, and I'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" And the girlies want to scream 'cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" And the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, "G" Hand job.
[ truck beeping ] Master Shake: Now, let's leave two columns in the living room, and I want the rest floor to ceiling up in the attic.
You know, usually we get an order this large, it's a prank.
But I'm glad this one worked out right, mr.
, uh Master Shake: Fartbubbler, Terrence Fartbubbler from District 9.
Say that back to me.
[ laughing ] I want to make sure you got it right.
Okay, we're looking at, um, $539,000.
Master Shake: I think I have a coupon For five fingers off! Damn it! I knew it! I knew it! Master Shake: Keep the change! These large orders never work out.
Everyone back in the truck! [ engine turns over ] Master Shake: You know what? We are never ordering from you again! You will hear from me in my blog! Meatwad: We needed some food, man.
Master Shake: I think I broke my hand.
Meatwad: Look at this.
Can you see my ribs? [ pop! ] it's gonna be a long winter without no fat belly.
[ keyboard clacking ] Frylock: What are you doing? Master Shake: What's it look like I'm doing? Frylock: Is that my e-mail? Master Shake: Ordinarily, I don't open the spam in your e-mail account, but check it out.
[ country music plays ] Frylock: "Hands on a hamburger"? Master Shake: Yeah, you put your hands on a giant bacon double cheeseburger, and the last person to take his hand off gets the whole enchilada.
Meatwad: Enchiladas give me gas.
Frylock: No, no, Meatwad.
It's not an enchilada.
It's a hamburger.
Meatwad: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your first version of the story had a cheeseburger.
Now you're saying an enchilada.
Which is it? Frylock: "Enchilada" is an expression.
Meatwad: Oh.
Enchiladas give me gas.
Cheeseburgers give me gas, too.
Pretty much anything I swallow give me gas Except gas.
What happens if I swallow gas? Look me up on wikipedia.
I want to see what I specialize in.
Frylock: Shut the [bleep] up.
[ suspenseful music plays ] Okay, fellas, this is it.
The rules say we have to keep at least one hand on the hamburger at all times.
Meatwad: What if we -- what if we get hungry now? Frylock: The rules do allow you to nibble on the burger, as long as you keep a hand on it.
Meatwad: What if I get gassy? I told you about that.
Frylock: Well, the rules Allow you to stand over there by shake.
Meatwad: Hey, shake! Meatwad: Come on over and visit my big ankle, and I'm gonna kick your ass with such Force that it will open a time rift where Jesus lives.
Carl: Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Master Shake: Is that Carl? Carl: Tell me you're not doing this, too! Masteshake: Carl! Carl: How'd you find out about -- I bought -- I was part of a select, chosen group of people picked to do this! Master Shake: You got the e-mail! Gimme five! You're the man! Carl: All right.
Master Shake: So glad you're here! Gimme ten! Carl: All right! Yeah! Don't leave me hanging, man! [ air horn blows ] Over here.
Carl: Bitch, come on! Master Shake: [ laughs ] Carl: Aw, come on! I just got here! Let me take a mulligan! Master Shake: I just outwitted stupid Carl! Meatwad: All right, man! Master Shake: Gimme five! Meatwad: All right, yeah! Master Shake: Let's double the fun -- gimme ten! Meatwad: Yeah! Frylock: Hey, keep the hand on the burger, man! Meatwad: But he just outwitted Carl.
Carl: You won't win.
You won't.
[ crickets chirping ] Frylock: [ snoring ] Meatwad: Hey.
Wake up.
Frylock: [ snoring ] Meatwad: Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up! Frylock: Huh, huh, what? Meatwad: I have to tee-tee.
Frylock: Just -- just do it here, man.
Just go.
Meatwad: But ain't it gonna soak into the bun? Frylock: Aim it out that way.
Meatwad: I need help getting my pants off here.
I have trouble with the zipper.
Frylock: Meatwad, you don't have any pants.
Meatwad: What the -- the hell, you say! You let me go out of the house like this? How long has this charade been going on? Master Shake: Hey, champ, little fella, buddy guy, you're doing so good here.
I need to know if you can help me out.
I'm in a big problem.
Your dad wanted me to ask you what's five plus two? Uh Master Shake: Can you count it with your fingers, please? Let's see.
Seven? Master Shake: Try zero! [ air horn blows ] Disqualified.
Master Shake: He's outta here! Go back to preschool! Bye-bye.
Master Shake: Next.
Hey, hi.
Oh, hi.
Master Shake: I saw you checking me out.
Where you from? I'm from new jersey.
Master Shake: Let's do the hand jive! You first! Oh, okay, I know how to do that.
[ air horn blows ] Disqualified.
Hand jive.
Master Shake: You're unlucky in love.
What's five plus two? Count with your fingers! I can't do pluses.
Master Shake: Aah! Ow.
[ air horn blows ] Disqualified.
Kid's outta here.
Master Shake: Hands in the air -- you're under arrest! What the -- Master Shake: Hands in the air, sir! W-what's the charge? [ air horn blows ] Master Shake: Being a sucka, sucka! Aw, come on! Master Shake: You look lonely.
Why don't you give me a hand job? Look, man, I don't know what you think -- Master Shake: I'll give you a hundred dollars.
Master Shake: Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Both hands.
Master Shake: Whoa, get off my jock! [ air horn blows ] Right over here.
Hand job.
Master Shake: Drop and give me 20, soldier! [ air horn blows ] Disqualified.
He's done.
Master Shake: [ laughs ] you're gonna die soon.
Really? Master Shake: I'm psychic.
I gotta read your palm -- no! Both of them.
Master Shake: It's free! This is your life on the line! Screw off, turd.
Master Shake: Oh, no, your hand's on fire! No, it isn't.
[ lighter clicking ] Master Shake: Now it is! Ow! [ air horn blows ] Damn it.
Yep, both hands over here.
He's done.
Master Shake: Boosh! Frylock: All right.
And then there were three.
Master Shake: Good job, Frylock.
Now gimme ten! Frylock: Come on, man.
I ain't going for that.
Actually, you know what? We could all quit.
One of us wins and shares it with everyone else.
Master Shake: But what if I decide I want to eat it all? Frylock: Get real, shake.
You can't eat it all.
Master Shake: I can try, can't i? Meatwad: You know, I have been tee-teeing all over this bun for about seven days now.
Master Shake: Fine, we'll all quit together, all right? At the count of seven.
How many fingers would that be, Meatwad? Meatwad: Well, let's see.
Master Shake: Five plus two.
Meatwad: Maybe.
Master Shake: Show me! Prove your theory! Meatwad: I think -- wait a minute.
You trying to get inside my head! Unh-unh.
That ain't happening.
I'm freezing you out, jack.
See? Check this out.
Frylock: No, Meatwad! Meatwad: La la la la la [ air horn blows ] Disqualified.
Meatwad: Ain't listening You are disqualified! Meatwad: Your mouth ain't moving, so you ain't saying [ air horn blows ] Disqualified, you're done.
Meatwad: Aw, dang it! Mental errors have cost me! Master Shake: Let's go.
Bring it on.
You look like what I left in the toilet this morning.
All right, let's do the wave! Come on! Do the wave! Start it off! I'm gonna do the music.
Ba ba ba Ba ba, the wave! Yeah, raise the roof, son! How does that go? I know you showed me once.
Why don't you do the Macarena, and it'll jog your memory! Hey, Macarena! [ grunting and straining ] is that even really a hand? I have a gun, and I will shoot your hand clean the hell off.
I will do it! Meatwad: Hello.
Master Shake: Right now! I'll go get my gun! Meatwad: You know, they giving out free hot dogs at that car dealership down the way.
Master Shake: I prefer the meat of the burger.
Frylock: As do i.
Meatwad: Yeah, that meat ain't looking so good.
Seems like the burger has moved some, ain't it? Frylock: Yeah, the ants are breeding.
They want to take it from us.
Master Shake: But that ain't happening on our watch.
Right, man? Gimme five! Frylock: Get your [bleep] hand out of my face! Master Shake: Profanity! Oh! Oh! Profanity violation! Phil! Phil! What's up? What's going on? Master Shake: Phil, he is indiscriminately dropping "f" bombs on the heads of all these kids around here.
Yeah, there's nothing about profanity in the bylaws, so -- Master Shake: Come on, man, don't you want to see this end? Look, I get paid by the hour.
Master Shake: Phil, come on.
Please, I know you.
We've been through a lot together, haven't we? Hey, how is your wife? Frylock: Don't listen to him! Master Shake: Didn't she have a baby or something while we were here? What did you name it, anyway? I was wondering.
I've told you like five times.
Master Shake: Might be nice to get this over with Frylock: Phil! Master Shake: And spend some time with that cute, little It's a girl.
Master Shake: Girl.
That's right.
Frylock: Don't fall for it.
Master Shake: I might be able to give you and her some sesame seeds to play with Frylock: He's trying to trick you, phil! Master Shake: If we could maybe end this soon.
He got to take his hands off.
It's the only way he's disqualified.
Master Shake: I'm well versed in the bylaws, asshole! You're lucky I have to keep this hand on this hamburger because otherwise it would be wrapped around your bearded little throat! Let's everyone give a hand for phil, huh? He's worked so hard to piss me off, right, phil? Frylock, clap.
Clap for phil, master judge.
Frylock: Oh, I will After I win.
Master Shake: Fine.
You know what? I'm gonna go urinate.
[ pop! ] I'll see you tools in five.
Frylock: Whoa! Wait a minute! Phil, is he allowed to do that? His hand's still on it.
I mean, it's in the bylaws.
His hand's there.
Master Shake: Phil with the bylaws! Frylock: Well, the bylaws need to be rewritten, damn it! Meatwad: What you want these for? Frylock: Put them on my feet.
Meatwad: All right, these are your feet now? Okay.
Frylock: That should ground me.
[ electricity crackling ] all right, I'll run a 4,000-volt current through the bun.
And when shake comes back -- No, wait! Frylock: What the hell? Don't electrify the bun! Frylock: Who's that? Who said that?! It's me! The giant hamburger! Or at least, that's how people see me! Finally, tonight, you will win the contest, and you will come with me to hamburger planet! Frylock: Now, where have I heard that voice before? Finally, tonight, I will have enough dicks to complete the dick ship and return to dick planet.
Complete the tooth ship and return to my enameled condo on tooth planet.
Frylock: Wongburger! That's right! It is i! Dr.
Wongburger! It took me years of therapy to come to terms with my true identity! My parents couldn't accept it! "My son isn't a cheeseburger!" They cried.
"Your son is a cheeseburger!" I cried back! Frylock: Look, I don't need to know the whole story, okay? Shh! He's coming.
I'm counting on you to win! I like spending time with you more! You and me, we'll go to hamburger planet, listen to some tunes, get weird.
Frylock: What the hell is wrong with you, man? Shh! Master Shake: Hey! Don't look down in the mouth.
I know what'll cheer you up.
It's a dance party.
Macarena Frylock: Whoops, here I go, scratching my nose with both hands.
Master Shake: Phil! I saw that.
[ air horn blows ] Master Shake: Yeah, boy! I shook you down to chinatown! Aah! What is this? Free onion rings? [ engine turns over ] Buckle in.
Master Shake: Hey, Frylock, free shipping! Frylock: No, shake -- Hamburger warp five! Master Shake: Slow down.
I get motion sick! Hey, man, you want to come over to my house? Hang out? Check out my new bass? I play with a band called zen pusher gas-- Frylock: Yeah, I remember.
Look, don't take this personally, phil, but I have no interest whatsoever in what you're saying to me.
Right on, man.
I understand.
Frylock: Unh-unh.
"right off.
" Aah! Frylock: [ sighs ] let's eat, Meatwad.
Meatwad: All right, I'll shave him and prep him and cut him, and you de-bone him and cook him.
Frylock: No, no, no, Meatwad.
The free hot dog thing, right? At the dealership? Meatwad: Oh.
Yeah, of course, of course.
I knew that's what you was saying.
Master Shake: Dancing is forbidden D-d-dancing is forbidden Dancing is forbidden D-d-d-dancing is forbidden D-dancing is forbidden