Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Larry Miller Hair System

My name is Shake-Zula, the mike ruler, the old schooler You want to trip? I'll bring it to you Frylock, and I'm on top, rock you like a cop Meatwad, you're up next with your knock-knock Meatwad make the money, see? Meatwad get the honeys, "G" Drivin' in my car, livin' like a star Ice on my fingers and my toes, and I'm a Taurus Unh, check, check it, yeah 'cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" And the girlies want to scream 'cause we are the Aqua Teens Make the homies say "ho!" And the girlies want to scream Aqua Teen Hunger Force Number one in the hood, "G" Carl: What? I think you recognize me.
Carl: No.
You might have seen me in one of those Christopher Guest movies -- "Best in Show," "Waiting for Guffman," "A Mighty Wind.
" No? Carl: No.
All right, well, I'm a stand-up comedian.
Been on Letterman, Leno, Conan dozens of times.
Really, everyone.
How about "The Nutty Professor" movies? That may be more your speed.
"The Klumps"? Carl: Oh, yeah, the one where Martin Lawrence -- Martin -- dressing like an old woman, you know, but he's a cop.
He's not an old woman.
He's a cop.
His partner gets shot, you know? And then they rip his mask off, and then they're like, "you're not an old woman, right? You're Martin.
" "Big Manny" or "Big --" "Big Granny" or something.
"Big Granny 2.
" Or maybe this is a sequel.
So, were you in that? No, but very close.
Carl: You were the judge in the gymnastics contest.
I know that! No.
Carl: No, no, that guy was black.
Close enough.
"Pretty Woman," "Boston Legal," "10 Things I Hate About You" doing anything for you? Carl: You selling hair? Well, you know what? I admire a man like you because, yes, let's cut to the chase.
I am the celebrity spokesman for a line of artificial hair, and I also occasionally sell hair myself on the weekend because I have [chuckles] a gambling problem that is all-consuming.
Carl: You want a beer? No, thank you.
Carl: How about some lo mein noodles? I was about to toss these.
[ sniffs ] They reek.
Yes, clearly.
Well, the point is, you qualify for a free 7-day trial of the Larry Miller Hair System for Men.
Carl: Dude, if it's so great, then how come you ain't got it? We only have one, and God told us to bring it to you! Carl: "Free hair.
Made out of painted and corrugated sheet metal.
" Come on.
What's the catch? If I didn't fully believe in this product, why else would I spend my weekends selling and installing the larry miller hair system for men? Carl: Well, 'cause you said you got a bad gambling problem.
I know I do.
I know I have that problem, and that's half the battle -- admitting it.
It's like I just become someone else, for weeks.
It takes control.
And you know what? I'm not ashamed to say it.
Well, I'm a little ashamed.
All right, I'm mortified.
But the point is, I believe in this product and my ability to make money off of it.
Try one on! Carl: I thought you only had one.
Well, now we have many.
Carl: Oh.
It's really slick.
It's lanolin From someone else's skin, someone who returned it.
Carl: Their loss.
[ laughs ] Here.
Step into this simulator.
Carl: Uh, I don't see any -- This van! Carl: What's that -- like, an impact drill? Don't focus on that! Focus on this.
This is your family if you would have had hair.
Carl: I don't see any hookers.
I'm confused.
Is it 'cause I scared them away? No, Carl, they aren't there because it's morally wrong, or so they say.
This is your beautiful wife.
You married her in a church.
Carl: Then why ain't she in the kitchen cooking my dinner? Because you made the dinner.
Bone-in prime rib, peaches and cream.
Hey, gang, how was school today? Carl: Oh, come on.
Close your eyes, gang.
Surprise! I bought you each a dog! You can take them on the church picnic, and the dogs can worship with us.
[ sniffles ] Honey, what wrong? I'm just so happy.
You're such a wonderful husband.
Come here, everyone.
Group hug.
Even you, puppy dogs.
Carl: Hey! You need to grow a sack! What was that? Shut it down.
You see, Carl, you would have had it going on.
Carl: Nah, he friggin' sold out.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the problem? This guy gets his share of action, too.
Check this out.
Good night, Poochie Bear.
I love you so much.
Carl: Wait, where's she going? I love you, too.
Carl: Wait.
They're in separate -- See? Ooh, s-s-s-s-ex.
Carl: Come on! Spray her with a hose! Lick whipped cream off her nipples! Come on! Nothing's happening here! Hey, guy, don't worry about it.
Let's install the system.
Carl: Whoa, whoa.
With a drill? No way, dude.
Carl: No.
Okay, look -- we're close to A.
Beach, aren't we? God, I can smell the cards.
I don't give a damn about this at all! I need to gamble! Carl: Hey, wake up, you wuss.
To do some ab crunches or something? Carl: To do some pelvic thrusting.
[ laughing ] I mean, you own a wife, right? You know, you should make good use of her.
No, no, no.
No, I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
She don't like that when I wake her like that.
Carl: Dude, you know and I know your penis is way too small to wake her up.
Okay, well, uh -- Carl: I can actually admit that to you.
Feels good to say out loud.
I got to get up at 6:00.
Carl: Up at 6:00? Otherwise, I'm never gonna be in the office by 9:00.
Carl: It's 10:00, man.
You got eight full hours to party down! But what about my small penis? Carl: Order a pump.
They deliver them overnight.
Well, the reputable firms will.
[ chuckles ] I said, "firm"! Honey, this arrived very quickly this morning.
Not so loud.
Why is it shaped like this? Carl: Don't talk to her.
Take it to the bathroom and start upsizing your business now.
Uh, okeydokey.
Who are you talking to? Nobody, honey.
I just need to take a tinkle break, sweetie, with the package.
You smell like beer.
Carl: She's challenging you.
I thought we agreed we wouldn't have that in the house.
Carl: Pull out the middle finger.
Shove it in her face.
Tell her to sit and spin.
Hey, this is the mother of my children we're talking about here.
Carl: Which means she's done.
Tell her to take a hike and trade her in for something tight.
Honey, you're scaring me.
Oh, s-sorry, b-baby.
I just got distracted.
I'm rehearsing a presentation for the boss.
Oh, that's today! Good luck.
I'll be thinking of you.
Carl: Yeah, there we go.
Cup her buttocks now.
Carl: Grab her buttocks.
No, that's disrespectful.
Carl: Give her a little spank.
Women like it when you cross the line.
[ door opens ] what are you doing? You're a man.
You ain't going nowhere with them clothes.
You don't have a gem or gold nugget you hang around your neck? Well, I suppose I could pick one up if you think it would look good.
Carl: Gold -- particularly gold flake.
It looks great, and it's a great investment.
Oh, shoot.
Pleated khakis.
Carl: Slacks lower sperm count.
It's proven science.
That's why sweatpants are the way to go.
[ door opens ] Shh! My wife is coming.
You almost forgot your bag lunch.
Carl: Take her to the bathroom and make her watch you throw it in the toilet.
Are you God?! Carl: [ laughing ] Honey, maybe you should take the day off.
Ohh! No! This is an important day for me! UmHow did it go? I didn't get it.
And if you don't like it, you try to do it, bitch.
What? Carl: It's hard as hell out there.
All I can think about is sex and some song called "Tonight Long Stick Goes Boom.
" Oh, God.
Carl: All right, you've got her attention.
Now grab yourself.
How you like these apples? Carl: Not on the arm, dummy! In the crotch! Uh, how you like these apples? Carl: There we go! Yeah! Finally, I'm getting through to you! Carl, you are not yourself! I am taking the kids to mother's! Take this to mother's, too.
[ farts ] Carl: Oh! He's freestyling! I love it! Get yourself to church! Carl: There you go! You got freedom, man! Good luck getting laid, dude.
What do you mean? Carl: Shouldn't have scared her off.
I mean, she was a piece.
I lost my job today.
You know that, right? You were there.
Carl: You took a minor conflict over who was to use the fax machine first, and you exploded that into physical violence, and for that, I applaud you.
Carl: Thanks.
I suppose I couldn't have done it without -- without yourConstant advice.
Carl: Only one thing left to do, my man.
[ laughing ] Call the escort service? Carl: Yeah, good point.
Two things.
Like -- like this, right? Like this? Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A little bit more, though.
I mean, you're gonna have to eventually wax that stubble so it don't come in.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up.
Leave like three hairs up top, and then you will mousse them heavily on a daily basis.
Something still ain't right here.
What am I not seeing here? The -- the moustache? Carl: Let's just glue some of that scalp hair on your lip until it grows in proper.
Does this look good? Carl: It won't matter.
Ain't no woman gonna get near you for a while anyways.
Gee, thanks, Carl.
Carl: No, Carl.
Thank you.
[ shotgun cocks ] this was fun.
We had fun today.
So, are you ready to try the larry miller hair system for men? Carl: Is it free? For seven days.
After that, very expensive -- A complete and total scam.
Carl: All right, let's do this.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Ahh! See? It holds its shape, even underwater! You should see me in a convertible! Meatwad: It looks good, Carl.
It looks real.
You gonna have to beat them off with a stick, my man.
Shake: A long stick.
'cause tonight, long stick goes boom! Frylock: Carl, it's rusting.
I can actually see the pop rivets in your skull, man, which is infected, by the way.
Carl: Yeah, there we go.
Oh, the jealousy comes out.
[ monotone voice ] Stop right there.
This is the robot we're after.
We have pinpointed his location, and we need you to return to his time and erase him.
[ monotone voice ] Pardon me! Excuse me.
I am raising my hand.
Oh, what? What now? I believe only his hair is metal.
Well, fine! Maybe you shouldn't get this assignment.
Maybe I'll give it to a brave warrior who will not ask questions.
No, no, I'll do it.
Then enter the chamber.
Time chamber, go to past.
Time chamber, go to past.
Time chamber -- I'm not saying that this is a refrigerator box, but This is totally a refrigerator box.
Get out of the refrigerator time chamber! I will go to the past and be the hero.
Time chamber, to the past.
Time chamber, to the past.
Maybe pretend to push the buttons.
Oh, there are no butto-- Come on, time chamber! To the past! It's about to happen.
I'll sit down.