Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Intervention

Unit patrol, unit patrol unit patrol, unit patrol they're back on the beat to make crime disappear * beefy disguises from ground-up steer a Sherlock Holmes with laser-beam eyes your own private dick unit patrol, unit patrol Ready! Unit patrol, unit patrol Wider.
Crime doesn't pay unless you get away but you won't 'cause you can't from the Aqua Unit Patrol Squad * one Tonight's episode You know how fast you were going? Oh, yeah.
Why, what's your gun say? I clocked it at 136.
In a 25.
In a school zone.
Oh, don't get your panties in a wad.
There ain't no kids out at this hour.
How many drinks have you had tonight? Eh, maybe like two or three.
So, you know, I'm good.
And I've been drinking water for, like, an hour.
How about that one? All right, fine.
You feel like a big man now, pig, huh? Maybe you had a real job, you could afford to party like me instead of trying to set a trap to meet your quota.
Is that woman dead? Oh, man, I hope not.
Let me check.
No, she's not.
Thank God.
I'll say this.
She's gonna be confused when she wakes up.
Right? Punch it in the fist! What's that thing you just pulled out of your aah! No, I was I was polite.
I was like, "yes, sir, no, sir, "get off my ass, sir.
" Oh, that's wonderful, Carl, but guess what.
This bail's gonna bust me, man.
Just post it up, get my keys, and I can drive us back home.
You ain't driving anywhere for a long time.
Look, I ain't had a d.
In over four months! You got to respect that! Carl, let it go.
No! This pig is messing with me.
Ain't you, piggy, huh? Oink, oink, oink! Oh, you like it here, huh? Don't listen to him, officer.
You can't keep me off the road.
Carl, shut up! 'Cause I paid for them roads! Get him on out of here! Hey, can you just sort of hover over that patrol car? Yeah.
What are you doing back there? Gonna drop a deuce on it.
Where you going? Where do you think you're going, stallion? Uh, just, uh, you know, gonna organize my cassettes Alphabetically.
Eh, Judas priest, uh, goes before kros Okay, I'm done.
I can show you how this breathalyzer works.
What's that? See, now your car won't start unless you blow into it.
Give it a try.
Uh Maybe I'll try later.
So you've been drinking.
All right, I may have been drinking some of my cologne.
What's your point? It's a free country! See you later, stallion.
You can't control me! I know my rights! I'm worried about Carl.
You're not worried about him.
You're worried about flying him everywhere.
Shh, shh, shh! Turn off the lights! Hey, gang! Who's ready to go on a trip? I see you over there behind the spool.
No, Carl.
Oh, come on.
It's 2.
3 Miles to melon shakers.
I can't walk that far! And then I'll wait there for three hours, 'cause you won't pay my cover to get in, while you get your rocks off in the champagne room! Come on, it takes time! I'm a little desensitized from years of doing it.
You know what, Carl? I am sick and tired of flying your ass to the gas station to get beer, to the grocery store to get beer, to the whorehouse to get beer.
I ain't never made you take me to theaundromat.
That's 'cause you don't wash your clothes.
Eh, yeah, that's a pretty good point.
Look, Carl.
Maybe you needo take a good look at your life.
I look at my life every day, and I pop a boner.
So I ain't here to talk to you.
I'm here to talk to This little man.
How you doing, meat buddy, huh? I've been pretty busy pulling this carpet string, watching it unravel.
It takes up most of my working hour.
How you feel about a little action, huh? A little fireworks on a Tuesday night? A little boom-boom? Oh, I love me some fireworks, boy.
Meatwad, don't encourage his behavior, okay? But he be encouraged.
I like fireworks.
End of discussion.
Ooh! Can I go? I can go.
Get lost, cup.
I'm gonna pull your string.
Actually, this there is something to this.
Bloin the tub Ye-e-ah! Victory! Screw you, pig! "Pig"? Is we going to a petting zoo? Yeah, a heavy-petting zoo.
I pay $140, and then I let people pet my snake.
Yeah! All right, last call's at 3:00.
You stay here, guard my cassettes.
I want to go in.
Yeah, that would be awesome, right? Thing is, you got to have $8.
Here is $8.
Uh, yeah, okay.
But you got to have a collar.
Uh, here is a collar.
You don't know me, I don't know you.
You got that? All right.
You don't know me, I don't know you.
But you know I know you.
Right, but while we're inside You know I know you know me.
No, I get that.
We rode together, didn't we? We'll reconnect at last call.
Hey, meat man.
Come here.
Pull the pull the car around.
You don't know me, I don't know you.
We don't know each other.
Yeah, you know me! Blow into the tube and start the car! I can't drive no car.
You ain't got to drive! I'm driv I'm driving.
I'm the driver.
I just got you you just got to start it.
And then you got to hold me up, put me in.
Then we're good.
I'll drive us home.
I'm urinating on myself.
It ain't starting.
Why ain't it starting? Probably 'cause I had five gin and tonics and a Cuba libre.
I told you not to drink! I should not have bought you them drinks.
All right.
You got a butt, right? Fart into the tube.
"Fart" is a bad word.
All right, fine.
What would you say? "Booty pooty.
" Just, uh, Booty-pooty into it.
I don't need to Booty pooty right now.
Well, try to Booty pooty.
If I try to Booty pooty, and I don't need to Booty pooty, I might leave a Booty doody, and you don't want that on your mouth tube.
All right, fine! I just, uh we'll just go to the gas station.
I'll get you a freaking bean burrito.
Okay, uh, we'll probably have to double back.
We left my nipples back there.
Here we go.
How we doing, gentlemen? Good morning, offer.
We just we just walking home.
We ain't driving.
You know that.
You don't need to be here.
Hey, could you blow into a tube? 'Cause we too drunk to start our car.
Hey, hey.
I don't know what he's talking about.
That's right.
He don't know me, I don't know him, we don't know each other.
Listen, son.
If I blow into that tube, that would be illegal.
Wouldn't it? See, that's the thing.
You got to fart into it.
No, "fart's" a bad word.
I'm sorry.
"Booty pooty.
" "Booty pooty" is what I meant.
Come on.
We're going downtown.
Officer, I got this.
Hey! Frylock! Hey, take us over to the car and blow into the tube.
No, Carl.
We're leaving the car here.
I can drive.
I can.
I'm gonna drag your fat ass back, and then we're gonna have a talk.
Carl, I'm gonna need you to sit upright for this, man.
No, I'm listening.
Keep doing the thing.
I'm I'm just resting my eyes.
Carl, we love you.
And I, for one, do not like seei you destroy yourself like this.
This long, slow slide is, frankly, extremely boring to watch.
Why don't you go out in like a a blaze of glory? Shake.
Light yourself on fire and rob a bank.
Do something at least I can tweet about and, like, make me popular! Come on, man.
But you never think about me, do you? All right, look.
Shake's partially right.
You are destroying yourself.
Let me ask you something, Carl.
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior? Oh, not with this.
Can't we just talk about him during Christmas? Is he be the one what bring all the toys in the magic sleigh? For the last time, yes! Look, me and Jesus, we we don't see eye to eye.
Well, maybe that's because you're putting yourself above him.
Yeah, that's right.
You know why? 'Cause he never bought me that red bike I wanted! He's not the one, Carl.
That's not him.
Shake just said he was.
I stand by it.
What? Who's Jesus, huh? Some joker just made out of clouds, living in the sky so he can boss me around, tell me I ain't allowed to touch myself that way 'cause it don't please him.
Masturbation is specifically designed to please me! No one's getting hurt except the wildebeest.
I give him a name.
Why do you think I go to church every Sunday, Carl? I don't know.
So you feel superior to me? Yeah, sure.
But I also go because Jesus is real.
Oh, is that right, smart guy? Prove it.
See, Carl.
These were all owned by Jesus at one time sneakers made of sackcloth.
He wore his beard in these barrettes sometimes.
And here's his favorite pair of red underwear.
This is very rare and valuable.
I'm gonna go touch that.
Wait, wait, shake.
Let me Tell you what.
My back is killing me.
Look here.
Jesus got nose boogers just like you and me.
Boogers have DNA.
That's perfect.
Mmm, they is perfect.
Meatwad, no! Mmm.
Is this his hair? Wow.
He had rock hair.
It's like hetfield back when he was riding the lightning.
That will do.
I like this.
I'm st gonna do this all day.
Carl, please.
Put the hair in the cloner.
Because I want to introduce you to a man who changed my life.
Could you make, like, a whole body out of just a section like maybe a head or face? Yeah, why? Eh, no reason.
What's up, yo? Jesus! You grace us with your presence.
Everyone, bow.
No, no.
I am not he.
For I am Rupert, Jesus' gay hairdresser.
Wait a second.
Jesus had a hairdresser? Sweet man, but no hair.
It was atrocious.
Three wires just sticking out of his head.
I fashioned a wig for most of his big speeches.
So this was your hair? Hey, can you do something for me? Like, feather it, but with frosted spikes? Like Richie Sambora on the "bad medicine" tour? Listen, Rupert I could get you some pics.
Tell my friend here about Jesus About how he needs to turn his life over to him To trust in him To put his faith in him To allow him to make him whole once more.
And then you just blow into the tube, and then we go.
Right on, man.
I am super excited to do this.
It's gonna be fun.
Shut up.
I love this song!