Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) Episode Scripts

N/A - Working Stiffs

Uh-uh-uh, ooh.
Welcome to paradise.
Now, leave all your worries and other tv shows behind, baby.
It's time for "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Frylock: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Shake: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Meatwad: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" I said "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Frylock: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Shake: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" Meatwad: "Aqua TV Show Show.
" I said master Shake, Frylock My little homey Meatwad Lotus on the beats Yeah, we heavy in the streets Yeah, we got the whole planet In the palm of our hands, though So give thumbs up for the "Aqua TV --" [ Evil laughter ] [ Brakes squeal ] Are you wearing a wire? I told you, Bruno! I'm clean.
Bras have wires -- underwires.
- Shake: Yes.
- How did you know? 'Cause you're about to not be wearing a shirt.
Shake: Yes, yes! No.
No! Well [ Boom ] I'm bored, everyone! Congratulations! Scoot over.
I need to use your funny video machine.
Frylock: Hey, man! I'm busy.
I'm calculating our household budget, okay? Shake: Search for "Monkey urinates in mouth.
" Frylock: It won't work.
They shut off the cable.
- Shake: Uh -- - Frylock: Just like I told you they would if we didn't pay our bill! Shake: Search for "Shark bite to the nut sack," and put H.
Next to it.
Frylock: Meatwad! Come on out here for a family meeting, please.
Smoke! Yet no heat.
Shake, get on the ground! Shake: I'm trying to search for "Horse hoof to the nuts," and it's not going! What should I -- am I not -- how do you spell "Hoof"? Frylock: Hey, what the hell? Meatwad: Frylock! What on earth are you doing here? Frylock: Oh, I live here! Question is, what the hell do you think you're doing here? Meatwad: I'm smokin' me a cigarette, ' cause I'm a grown-up boy.
Shake: Smoking! Yes! Put him in the quiet corner! He hates that more than anything! Frylock: Look, guys.
None of us do anything all day and all night.
Right? Shake: Wait.
He does something! He smokes! Meatwad: Yeah, I smoke! I smoke in the quiet corner! Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Quiet corner.
Frylock: You smoke because you don't have anything productive to fill your time with.
- Shake: Yeah, - Meatwad! Frylock: You don't either, Shake! Shake: Okay.
We've had some production snags, but the album is definitely droppingthe march after this one.
Frylock: You been saying the album's about to drop for eight years! People don't even use the words "album" or "drop" anymore.
Shake: What am I supposed tell my street team, huh? They've been getting the word out since May! [ Knocking on door ] Something better be dropping soon.
Running out of food in here! Frylock: Now, listen.
I'm issuing a challenge, here.
We're all gonna get jobs by the end of today! And, Shake, you can do something productive with your life other than stare at a screen.
Shake: There's not much else I can do, really! Frylock: And maybe I can finally get some real vegetables in my diet, and stop eating out of this damn 50-pound bag of cat food! Shake: What -- you don't like fish n' cheddar? Mmm! It's mixed! [ Beep ] Shake: Boom! Hot off the presses! Frylock: This is your résumé? - Shake: Yeah! - Frylock: Where's your name? Shake: I'm not putting my name on that! There's a really racist joke in there! But it is seri-- it's one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard.
Frylock: Stand-up comedian.
That's the job you want.
Shake: No, I don't want a job -- this is your stupid idea.
Frylock: Where's your experience? Shake: Uh, my, uh -- my experience with jobs have been pretty uneventful, and pretty unsuccessful.
Frylock: Dude, you got to put something here -- it's blank.
Shake: Oh, I will.
I'm drawing a rocket ship right there.
Frylock: All right, Meatwad.
Let me look at yours.
Meatwad: Check it out.
I drew a rocket ship.
Shake: You stole my idea! Okay, fine! Where is your rocket ship going to? Meatwad: Well, that there is mars, and that's where they're going to live.
Shake: That's where mine is going to! Meatwad: Well, mine's already there.
Shake: I'm gonna colonize mars before you do! You don't know the first thing about terraforming a planet.
Frylock: Good luck in space, y'all.
Shake: Where is the [bleep] Blue crayon? Carl: Why you want a job? All that does is give you money and direction and purpose in life.
Frylock: I know, Carl.
That's the point.
Carl: You never gonna love that.
You -- you gotta do what you love, and the money will follow.
Look at me.
I love sports talk radio, I love masturbation, and I love getting wasted.
Frylock: Okay, and where's the money? Carl: I don't know.
I haven't figured out who to invoice for all that.
Frylock: Look Carl, it's great that you found your passion all right, but right now, I just got to pay my bills.
Carl: Oh, you just want a job, I mean, I know a job you do for a guy.
My cousin, he needs a highly motivated self-starter with good putting-bullet-in-people skills.
One night.
10 grand.
No questions asked.
Piece of cake.
Frylock: Oh, if it's so easy, then why don't you do it? Carl: Come on, man.
You've seen my chain.
Last time I went to lock-up, this medallion barely squeaked up my ass.
I don't think I could do it again.
Frylock: Yeah, well, thanks, Carl, but I think I want to make money the honest way.
Carl: All right, fine.
Chug this one.
Shove these two in your pockets.
Believe me, I've had a job.
It'll make the time fly.
Frylock: I don't want to smell like cheap beer in an interview.
Carl: Ahh! Oh! We got a boy scout here.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll leave a couple tall boys by the dumpster in case, uh, you need to "go get something out of my car .
" [ Laughs ] Frylock: I do have a doctorate in biomedical hypertronics and a master's in both cryogenic sequencing and thermite plasmatics.
I'm very impressed.
Can you start right now? Frylock: Yeah! Sure! Great, great.
Okay, um.
Here's your hairnet and gloves.
Frylock: Thanks.
I just have one question about benefits.
Are there any? Yeah, I mean, the hairnet's beneficial.
It keeps hair out of the food.
Carl: Hey, there's the man! Congratulations! I see you're wearing the benefit package, eh.
Frylock: Yeah.
Carl: Give me that hole punch.
And now I get free refills.
Boom! [ Laughs ] Hop to it.
Frylock: You still leave those, uh, beers out by the dumpster? Carl: Oh no, we polished them off.
They're long gone.
[ Chuckles ] Yep, the early bird shotguns the worm, Fryman.
Shake: Buzz off! We're doing business here.
I'm about to get a job with Carl's cousin.
Frylock: W-w-wait! Shake, Shake, that job he has, it's not right for you, man.
Shake: I know that.
I just put the deal together.
Say hello to my trigger man.
Meatwad: Yeah, I got me a job.
And ain't no one gonna make me wear no dumbass hairnet.
I wear this by choice.
Frylock: Carl you know he can't shoot nobody, man.
Look at him! He's got the mind of a 10-year-old.
Hey! French fry! Get your ass back to work! There's a bat flying around in the walk-in! Shake: Whoops.
Sounds like somebody wants you to sequence the genome back there.
Get the pesticide you, jack off! It's next to the mayonnaise.
Duh! Over by the space heater.
You know, where that pipe's been leaking.
Frylock: Look I'll be right back.
Don't order nothing with mayonnaise okay? Carl: So are we clear here? Two in the ear and the canary and you're done.
Meatwad: Yep.
Just tell us whose ear.
Shake: And two of what are we talking about? Carl: This is the guy.
You take care of him, and this conversation never happened.
But give me them receipts.
I'll write this off as a business lunch.
Shake: And then 10 grand minus my cut.
Meatwad, you realize you're gonna walk out if this with, like, 30 bucks! Meatwad: Yup! I can buy all the cable tv I want.
Carl: What are you, out of your mind? You pay money for cable? [ Laughs ] All: You're stupid.
Shake: You got the gun? Meatwad: I couldn't find no serial numbers to file off, so I done filed off the words "tub and toilet.
" Shake: Good idea.
Is it loaded? Hey, make sure it's loaded.
Meatwad: I ate some, but I think there's enough here to do the deed.
Shake: You know the guy, right? Meatwad: Mm-hmm.
This him -- Mr.
I go up to him, and I squirt him up in the ear twice.
Then I apologize, and then we rich, boy! Shake: And I'll be right here with backup.
If he tries to chase you, he's gonna get a faceful of my little tangerine dart gun here.
Meatwad: Don't waste the ammo in here! - You gonna need those.
- Shake: I'm just so mad! When you got one of these beauts in your hand, it's like you're a god or something! [ Panting ] Metwad: Okay, I'm gonna do it! - Shake: Hang on! Wait! - Meatwad: What? Shake: Silencer.
Meatwad: [ Italian accent ] Signor dicenzo, I got a message from shiny shoe sal.
[ Guns cocking ] Oh, dang it.
Shake: I got to do something.
Free cable! Yeah! Come on, tough guy.
Let's take a ride.
Meatwad: Frylock says I ain't supposed to ride with strangers.
But okeydokey.
This is a nice car.
It's pretty roomy back here, even with that other guy that's next to me.
He don't move much, and he's real wet.
Oh, good! Looky there.
Hey, can you turn up the air back here? Okeydokey.
And uh, this -- this right here? This the guy? Meatwad: Yep, there he is in the window, looking all scared.
He should be.
Meatwad: He's a white guy, like I said.
He looks real white right now.
Oh, look.
Now no one's home.
Uh, okay, look.
I don't want you to take this the wrong way or anything, but I'm tired of talking to you.
Get the [bleep] out of my car, please.
Meatwad: Okay.
Well, thanks for the ride.
Now, do you give me the 10 grand for putting two in your ear? Yeah, we'll, uh, mail it to you.
Turn around.
Roll away.
Meatwad: Okeydokey.
Little farther.
Meatwad: Okeydokey.
Keep rollin'.
Meatwad: Okeydokey.
Do y'all need me to fill out a w-9? What the hell are you? Meatwad: I'm Meatwad.
Of course you are.
Get lost! Meatwad: See ya later! Hey! The cable's back on! Frylock: Yep.
I gave Carl a 12-pack, he drank it, and then he climbed up the pole and hooked up the free cable.
Meatwad: How was work, Frylock? Frylock: Oh, I got bit by a bat while I was refilling the ranch dressing.
Had to get rabies shots.
Got shut down by the city.
So I quit.
How was your "job"? Meatwad: It was cool.
Met some nice guys.
[ Muffled gunfire ] Cool! Carl got us free surround sound, too? Boy, you can really hear them semi-automatics just pop in the back speakers.
You know what I mean? Which is weird 'cause you're watching a game show.
I'm gonna go thank Carl.
Frylock: I'd give it a couple of days.
Better buy customers, it is now 9:55.
We will be closing in 5 minutes.
Shake: Turn it back on, creep! I'm watching the show here! The show where the animals on the pajamas come to life and help the little boy! That's my show, man!