Archer s13e02 Episode Script

1
Plantain?
I don't care what it takes,
you are gonna get
this plane in the air!
Eh, it's not getting it in
the air that I'm worried about.
Listen to me,
you backwater B. A. Baracus.
My tour group is on a deadline.
- And we're getting cranky!
- And thirsty!
- And probably dengue fever.
- You want some help, boss?
No, and not your boss,
your guide on a scenic
aerial jungle tour.
Yeah, we get lots of tours
that come through here
with giant bags of guns.
- You being smart with me?
- No, señor.
I don't think
you'd understand me if I did.
Now, you listen good.
I don't know what tragic series
of screw-ups
in the bird shit on a dog shit
you call a life
led you to working
in this tropical hellhole,
but trust me when I say
that if you don't find me
a working plane,
I'll shove a propeller
down your throat,
an engine up your ass,
and use you
to fly my tour group!
Okay, you take off in five.
- And that is called leadership.
- Is it?
Felt more like
a threat of sodomy.
That's the title of my novel!
Oh, relax. These old birds
maintain themselves.
They're indestructible.
I'm calling my travel
agent this is a bad tour.
Not actually a tour.
Just a bad mission
organized by a bad leader.
You guys, Fabian chose Ray
to lead us.
I say we respect that, and
I couldn't finish,
even as a joke.
You suck, dude.
I'll I'll admit that we're
off to a rough start,
- but if we stick together
- We'll die together?
Archer, help me out.
You've been in worse spots
than this, right?
- Archer? Archer?
- Oh, sorry.
I was deep in thought
about what would happen
if I took one of the thousands
of piranhas
from the waters
that now surround us
and shoved it down
your esophagus.
And what would happen if I did
the same thing 20 times
and then set you on fire?!
I mean, he'd probably die.
Cheese and rice!
- That was the cheese and rice.
- Salvage with your back.
Ooh, if you see a very
unstable bomb, that's mine.
- And feel free to help, Archer.
- I would, Ray,
but not helping pays the same
and doesn't require trying.
What is your problem lately?
In Mother's absence,
I realized I can do what I want,
e.g., nothing,
when I want, e. g., now,
because no one is the boss
of me anymore,
e.g., I'm done talking.
I am literally the boss of you.
Bomb! No, wait, rock.
- Well, we're definitely on an island.
- And surrounded by piranhas.
And possibly those hippos
that escaped
from Pablo Escobar's zoo.
Good crash, Ray.
I didn't choose this.
I was trying to stay on schedule
to impress Fabian
with my leadership.
You don't know
the pressure I'm under
to make mission quotas.
I God damn it, woman!
Quit licking the toads!
Ugh! Can we go
to a different island?
The frogs here are non-druggie.
No.
We dig in, wait for rescue.
Yeah, we need to keep up
our strength for the mission.
So, obviously, piranha barbecue.
No! We need better frogs!
No!
We need to get back up river!
- No.
- No.
- Yep.
- Yeah, sure.
- No.
- Everybody stop taking charge!
I'm already in charge,
and I'm making a plan.
For how to fill the power
vacuum left by you sucking?
For the mission
liberating a stash
of stolen medical supplies
from the warlord known
only as Serpiente.
- Ring a bell?
- Oh, yeah.
- We're still doing that?
- Yes!
It's my only chance to maintain
my leadership position.
- Slash parking space.
- Ooh, stakes.
Look, we may have crashed
- and lost all our supplies.
- And guns.
And a bomb that had
sentimental value.
This was her detonator.
But we can get resupplied
once we contact Fabian.
Cheryl, where are we
with the hand-crank sat phone.
- Uh, on an island?
- I mean, did you crank it?
- A lady never tells.
- Why are you even here?
It was the best
of my bad options.
Lord of Cinders,
command me!
Forgot my keys
when I left two minutes ago.
Oh, they're on the printer.
FYI, the Lord of Cinders is
always looking for new candles.
Uh, good to know.
Margo?
Explode if you're close!
Krieger, stop trying
to detonate a missing bomb
before you kill us.
Uh-oh, someone's mad
they're not in charge.
No.
I accept Fabian's decision.
I'm choosing to be good
at my job
and let positive things come.
Like Ray getting more chances
to kill us with his arrogance
and incompetence?
"Incobegence"!
Okay, it's charged.
Everybody shut up.
And this is your desk.
If you need anything,
I'm right in there.
Oh, and if a rival agency attacks,
your chair is bulletproof.
Agent Gillette, status report.
Tiny hiccup.
We, uh, need an extraction.
Agent error, I presume.
Hi, Fabian.
Specifically lead agent error.
Quit it!
Look, Fabian,
I-I-I know
it's a poor carpenter
who blames his tools,
but I have got a team
of some real, real
shit hammers down here.
And a helicopter extraction
would alert Serpiente
to your presence,
compromising the entire mission.
The best I can do
is a supply drop
with local pilots at your expense.
You can pick it up
five miles downriver,
and it's another five to
the compound. So tally-ho.
Tally how?
We're stranded on an island
in the middle of the Amazon,
you doof!
Perhaps you've heard
of a new invention.
It holds people
and floats on water.
- Ice!
- He means boats.
Ice can be boats.
Ask Jeffrey Pike.
Call again when you're
outside the compound
for further instructions.
Now, where were we?
God, you're like if syphilis
was a person.
Hello? Damn it!
I don't think he heard that.
Ray, call him back.
This mission doesn't make
any damn sense.
How are we gonna extract
these supposed
- medical supplies anyway?
- Well, we can start
by building a raft
Huck Finn style,
but without all the, you know
Analysis of the hypocrisy
of civilized society?
- Archer, what are you doing?
- My own thing, Lana.
Call me when we're leaving the island.
You know, I'm unarmed
and thus more likely
to instantly kill
anyone who tries to hurt
my new best friend!
I shall call you
- Finished!
- Are we?
You made a death trap
out of pieces
of a previous death trap?
Oh, sorry.
Everyone, this is Ryan.
Charmed, I'm sure.
You're really gonna go this
entire mission without helping?
I'm just embracing
my new philosophy
of doing what I want
when I want.
Ugh, isn't that
what you always do?
Yes, but now I'm, you know,
really leaning in.
Sorry, we're really leaning in.
But not on that raft.
It's a death trap.
Enough! It's a great raft!
- And you want to know why?
- Because only half of it is sinking?
Because we made it as a team.
Teamwork is getting us
off this island.
There's a famous saying
"If you want to go fast,
go alone.
But if you want to go far "
Ryan! No!
Good news
I checked, and we have room
in the budget for an extract
with the whisper copter.
Susan, if we help them now,
they'll never learn
to walk on their own.
But I love your initiative.
You're now
my executive assistant.
- The position comes with a shotgun.
- What are you saying?
Oh, he said, "Sacrifice
through flame brings purity."
If you keep struggling,
I'm done sucking out the venom.
Okeydoke,
we need a new mission leader.
Pass.
I'm still thinking about Ryan.
- I meant me.
- Or I could take a whack at it.
And why would you lead?
Why not? I'm the same rank
as you and Archer,
and I'm literally saving
Ray's life as we speak.
- Aah!
- Oh, okay.
Ray says, "Not fast enough,"
and that as
Miss Archer's assistant,
I'm already de facto leader,
depending
on what "de facto" means.
It shall be I who leads.
Where did you get a flare gun?
- I found it in the wreckage.
- And you wasted it
on a gesture
highlighting your impotence.
- Highlighting my lack of impotence!
- He quavered.
- Also, flares attract hippos!
- No, they don't.
Oh, then she's
just a coincidence.
Oh! Jesus Christ!
Goddamn!
Escobar breeds a good hippo.
It's sinking the raft!
What's that beeping?
Margo, you came back to me!
This reunion's going out
with a bang! Ugh!
No! Margo!
- Look!
- Yes! The supply drop!
What? No.
That cloud it looks like
a centaur choking me.
Solid leadership, Ray.
Ray?
- Yeah. Ray's dead.
- What? No.
Okay, people, let's move out,
- starting with moving me.
- We've got to hurry.
Someone else could have seen
the supply drop.
- I could lead a team ahead.
- And straight into quicksand?
At least I am trying to lead.
Hey, I'm still leading
this mission!
Now, make me a stretcher
and a fan out of palm fronds.
My skin is on fire.
We are not carrying you
like a king.
Or burying you like one.
If you die, let's be honest,
it's a shallow river grave.
I'd love that for you.
- I'll be fine! Right, Krieger?
- Eh
So I sucked poison
out of his face for nothing?
It's still a fun story.
But if Ray doesn't get
antivenom soon,
there could be
permanent consequences.
What, like,
my face will stay like this?
- Yes, because you'll be dead.
- Ugh. Okay, I'm taking command.
- Cheryl.
- Present!
You stay with Ray and Krieger.
The rest of us will head
for the drop,
then push on
to find the medical supplies
- and ideally antivenom.
- Here, crank this
to take your mind off
how you screwed the mission.
I got bit tripping
over your stupid tapir!
A tapir, not my tapir!
You can't own something
that majestic!
Ah! Ow.
FYI, Cyril,
this jungle has trees.
You released the branch
in my face.
As a teaching moment.
You're welcome.
Jungle physics 101!
Can we not shout so much
on this covert jungle mission?
Guys, guys, guys!
I found a footpath!
No, I don't like it.
It's too exposed.
Counterpoint it's easier.
So you literally want to take
the path of least resistance?
It's famous for a reason.
Oh, we should put it to a vote,
since, you know,
we are all equals here.
- Counterpoint.
- And the nays have it.
Damn.
Why is the person in charge,
who also happens to be snake-bit,
turning the damn crank?
Come on!
It'll get your blood flowing.
Ooh, actually, that's really bad.
- Good news
- The others are back?
No, I'm done
with your shallow grave.
I made it extra shallow.
You know, I didn't ask
to lead this agency.
I just worked hard,
stabbed a couple backs,
and when the position
was offered to me, I said,
"Ray, take a risk.
Try something new."
- I say that in my lab all the time.
- I have a jungle question.
What do you do
if rocks are getting closer?
Uh, wait for them to leave.
That's your plan?
Ray is dying!
Well, they have guns,
and we have Cyril,
who is, like,
the opposite of a gun.
If we'd stuck to the jungle, we
would have missed them completely.
Don't blame the path
of least resistance for this.
I'm blaming you!
- Ooh, I've got an idea.
- Guys, look.
Guys with guns are leaving?
Thank you,
path of least resistance.
They're going
for our supply drop, dummy,
which means
they'll have more guns!
Hello?
Lady with an idea here.
Well, yeah, there'll be
some resistance later.
- Okay, I'm just doing it.
- Ah.
If I could just get
to that jeep
Then you can get shot
hot-wiring it?
Oh, man, you didn't say
that was part of it.
Damn, you think
you know a guy.
And then all of your
suspicions are confirmed.
Now's our chance.
Gracias
You're not the man we hired
to catch the goat kisser.
There really is a goat kisser?
Punch it!
What are you waiting for?
A gun!
Oh, my God, a baby Browning?
Um, this will be great
if we need to bruise a sparrow.
Ray! You guys still there?
Help me! Help me!
Get him off!
My douchey combat boots!
And also my leg!
Oh, my God, this hippo game
is so much more fun in person!
Ah, we'll call you back!
Not that I care,
but do you have a plan?
Why are you asking her?
I created the diversion
that saved our asses!
Ugh!
And double-knotted this rope!
Fine!
What's your great plan?
Turn!
Now's our chance,
while they're blind.
Oh, are those bananas?
No, plantains again.
Ugh!
Hey, you think
you could maybe use
our only gun on a bad guy?
I could try, but I'm not sure
it would break the skin.
Close range doesn't count.
Ray, crate secure.
We're en route to the compound.
Okay. Obviously, far be it
for me to tell you
what your lived experience is
as a spider.
But what I would ask is
- Aah!
- Oh, my, I heard Ray scream.
Is the jungle still turning on him?
Wait. You're alone up there?
Where's Pam?
¿Qué pasa, homeys?
Great. These prints lead
straight into the jungle.
Thank you, Percy Fawcett.
And thank you for ruining
this entire mission.
How did I ruin the mission?
Ray's the leader,
and Cyril almost got us eaten.
Killed, not eaten.
Hippos are herbivores.
Ray may be in charge,
but you drove off without Pam
and led us to a guerrilla camp
and got Ray bitten.
And I wouldn't be shocked
if you're the reason
our plane crashed.
Why? Because I saw a piece
of the engine fall off
and didn't say anything?
- Oh, my God!
- That is next-level lazy.
AKA, path of least resistance.
AKA, careless because you
don't care about us, Archer.
A-And maybe you never did.
I don't know.
I think you just became a spy
to please your mother!
Too far?
What are you doing now?
Proving a point
by getting in this truck
the hardest way possible, Lana,
then taking charge and getting
Pam back because I care!
- Are we happy about this?
- I honestly do not know anymore.
And by the way,
nothing pleased my mother!
- Ray, any soldiers at the camp?
- No, they're gone.
But this place is magical.
They have plants, waterfalls,
a strangely powerful
sense of euphoria.
He sounds better.
Uh, that's just the endorphins
triggered by the snake
and spider venom
competing to ravage his system.
If his kidneys had mouths,
they'd be screaming.
I thought maybe the venoms
would cancel each other out,
like how two negatives
make a positive.
Shut up and listen!
Lana blocked the road
with thoughtless carnage.
- Hello? I was saving us!
- So find another way
to meet us at the
compound to rescue Pam.
Roger.
We'll take that helicopter.
- Uh, that's just rubble.
- Wait, why are we rescuing Pam?
Sorry I punched you in the balls.
In my defense, one of you
kicked me in the cooter.
So, you know,
a nut tap for a nut tap.
So how long
till we get to the, uh
Perfect 2/3 replica
of the Taj Mahal?
I'd say "why," but the answer
is clearly "because."
Stop admiring the warlord!
- I bet the supplies are in there.
- And there's Pam!
Now, this next part
is a little tricky.
We hit "select"
so that it prints collated.
Agent Gillette?
- Uh, not speaking.
- Archer, where is Agent Gillette?
- Well, he's either dead or
- Nailing it!
God, I wish I could see this.
- You sure you're good to fly?
- Hell, yes. I've got a hard-on
like the thing
you fly the helicopter with.
Oh, yeah, that's actually
venom-induced priapism.
- It's a sign of
- Fun!
- Is that dynamite?
- I saw it first.
- Also, we lost Pam.
- Pam? Oh, yes, Pam.
Oh, I'll miss her Pamness.
But if you're at the compound,
we can begin phase two.
Of how many phases?
Because at this rate,
phase three will just be me
and the panther that eats Cyril.
Final phase
retrieve the red suitcase
- on medical pilot YKLJ-56.
- Wait, one suitcase?
I thought we were recovering
medical supplies.
And I thought the mission
would be over hours ago.
Find the suitcase, and you
will be extracted. Ta-ta.
- Well, that was
- Suspicious as hell?
Yeah! Are we really gonna
Do the thing
that gets us extracted?
Yes, here's the plan.
You two head for the warehouse.
Lana will retrieve the suitcase.
Cyril will find the antivenom,
and then Lana will save Cyril.
Dang it.
Meanwhile, I'll murder
Serpiente and save Pam.
I've always wanted to storm
the Taj Mahal,
and this is at least 2/3 as good.
Serpiente!
And sorry.
That seems like a pre-existing
craftsmanship issue.
- You're late.
- I'm rescuing you to prove
that I care about you
and didn't just become a spy
to impress my mother.
I mean you're late
to kill Serpiente.
His soldiers killed him months
ago for being a general dick.
- That was our nickname for him!
- And now they use his base
to distribute medicine
to the local population.
Also, they grow coffee!
Coffee?
So no warlord or drugs?
Wait, why'd they kidnap you?
I was too busy
punching peens to listen.
But apparently they were
What was it?
Defending ourselves.
Ay, caray.
Yeah, amigos,
yeah, that should
make things easier, right?
- Dinamita!
- So I can't feel my body!
Oh, that's a good sign
for the venom.
The Lord of Cinder
demands sacrifice!
- Ahh!
- I can hold it! I can hold it!
Oh, no, that's my penis.
Nice landing, boss.
Then demote me!
Just give me antivenom!
I'm looking!
I'm looking!
Oh, there are just
so many labels!
Stab me with everything!
- Oh, shit, we need a new plan.
- We have one.
Friendly fire, amigos.
Hello?
Tell your soldiers to cease fire.
Oh, I would, but someone
blew up our radio tower.
Oh, sarcasm
that's very helpful right now.
Shit, I just did it, too.
Point taken.
Uh, Archer, what about that?
God, could the resistance
on this path get any worse?
Good news
my erection is back.
- You had an erection?
- Oh, several.
Bad news
we're out of dynamite.
Ha ha!
Taj my balls, bitches!
Lana, look, a fully alive Pam,
and I saved you and befriended
a tapir all in one mission,
because, Lana, I care.
Great. You're just in time
to get shot by the bad guys.
Well, technically,
they're the good guys
and this was
a huge miscommunication.
Look, it's the extract!
I'll lead the way.
Thanks.
Got it. I'll take it from here.
Aah!
- Stating the obvious, but, ow!
- What the shit?
Uh, maybe that wasn't
our IIA helicopter.
Fabian?
The helicopter
took the briefcase and not us.
If it's a weight issue,
we can leave Cyril.
Thank you
for the briefcase, Archer.
I have continuing business
with Serpiente's successor.
Apologies for leaving you there.
But you can't know where it's going.
Damn it, Fabian!
When I see you, I'm gonna shove
your ass so far up your ass,
you'll be upside down
and inside out!
Enjoy the jungle.
I hear it's extra poisonous in the fall.
Where were we?
Oh, yes.
Happy, happy, happy
first day on the job ♪
Which one of you
is the leader?
Oh, buddy, don't open
that can of worms.
So can we get a ride?
Ryan!
You came to find me!
Love truly is
the strongest compass.
We know that tapir.