Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) Episode Scripts

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1 [rumbling] [crackling] ASHLEY: 30 years ago, I found the book of the dead.
Now because I read from the book Misartar.
Evil has found me.
[screaming] All roads to destroying this evil lead to wear it all began.
The cabin.
- Let's go back there and end it all.
- You know I'm down.
The sooner this book is six feet under, the better.
[yells] Yeah! Here's the plan.
- Whoa! - Shoot first, think never.
- [thunder] - Whoa! [grunting] That didn't work.
Present the book to me and we'll finally end this.
Ta demuche.
Pablo! [growls] You have no idea what you're doing.
Of course I know what I'm doing.
I wrote this book.
Your stupid mortal toys mean nothing to me.
Take the deal then go back to Jacksonville.
I am offering you the undo button you wanted.
Normal life in Jacksonville, the three of us.
- I can do that.
- Truce.
Yeah! [laughing] Whooo! Jacksonville here we come.
[crashing] [distant screams] [growling] [grunts] Mamma! Atar.
[hacking and gagging] - [groaning] - [liquid sizzling] Artica abomino! [yells] [sizzling] [grunts] [creaking] I have fought with Atilla the Hun and Genghis Khan, And this dipshit is my only hope? Oh, fuck.
What a mess.
[growls] Summu Nura.
Ash [revs chainsaw] [screaming] I don't care - [screaming and cheering] - I love it I don't care Jacksonville, I love you! ALL: We love you, Ash! I know you do! Hey, I love me too! [cheering] [chanting] Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! Ash! [cheering] Oh, Jefe.
You know.
You don't have to call him that any more Pablo.
'Cause now he's just "water trash," like everyone else in this town.
Especially non tippers like you, buddy.
Yeah, thanks.
Hey, come on, Kell, Ash did what he had to do.
He saved us.
And left Ruby in charge.
You know what, I don't trust that bitch as far as I can throw her.
Kelly, there's someone wanting to pay.
I love it Pull! [cheering] I love it Looking good, Eli.
Hey, Sailor.
I had fun last night.
I think I remember that.
This is my daughter, Hannah.
Oh, how nice for you to meet me.
Can I, um, touch it? [chuckles] My God.
How does it work? Uh, well, I think it's pretty obvious.
Ladies, I'm gonna be honest with ya, I'm not drunk enough to know if this is good-weird or bad-weird.
But I'll get there though.
- [whoosh] - [laughter] - [wind blowing] - [rattling] Fu.
Whoa! [thunder] [thunder] [shrieks] - [electricity buzzes] - Oh, shit! - [storm stops] - [light buzzes] My God I left the windows down in the Delta.
Whoa! [screams] [grunts] Hey, hey! Time out! You're not supposed to be here.
[yells] Didn't you get the memo? - There's a truce! - Talk to Ruby.
She sent us! [shrieks] Balls to the wall! [grunts] Your truce is over, Ashy Slashy! What'd you call me? Ashy Slashy, hatchet and saw Takes your head and skins you raw Ashy Slashy, heaven and hell Cuts out your tongue so you can't yell [chainsaw sputters] [crashing] What the fuck is that?! Shoot it in the head! [yells] Nooo! [chainsaw buzzing] [yelling] [grunting] Jefe! Your blade! [yells] Ugh.
Huh? Oh! Give me your eyes! [yelling] Don't you want to fuck me now?! - Huh.
- [dings] [groans] [yells] Get her off me! I think we're good, Kell! [grunting] Fucking skank! [screeching] [chainsaw revving] [evil laughter] You will die like all the others! One by one, we will take you! All of you! [sinister laughter] Ladies first.
Well, I guess it's safe to say, the truce is over.
Told you Ruby couldn't be trusted.
We've got to put our little thinking caps on and do something Yes! You know I'm in.
I have been waiting to kick her ass.
Yeah, amen to that.
But how, Ruby could be anywhere? I know where she is Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.
That's my hometown.
Okay, that's a very specific guess.
The Deadite gave it away with that song.
That damn song Alright.
We're gonna go to Elk Grove.
We're gonna find Ruby and I'm going to bury that Kandarian Dagger deep into her strangely beautiful neck and kill her where she stands.
We'll be back in Jacksonville by Friday.
Pablo, first round of 'Ritas is on you, because Oh, because it's the drink of my people.
That's a little racist, don't you think? [chuckles] Well, yeah.
I seen a hand I seen a vision It was reaching through the clouds To risk a dream KELLY: Sinkholes are still being reported.
And look at this, Kenward County.
Violent crime and murder up 200% from this time last year.
Yeah, Ruby's evil is seeping everywhere.
We need a sketch of her to show the people in town.
- Pablo? - I'm on it.
So, uh, why so long since you've been home? Oh, who drank all the beer? I got it.
Um, you.
Your bladder must be ready to explode.
- Oh, please, - [growling] I've been whizzing the whole time.
- [sinister laughter] - Ugh! Ugh! The shadow of this land - [thunder] - The old man is back again BOY 1: Do it! I dare you.
- BOY 2: You do it.
- BOY 1: Chicken.
- BOY 2: Don't say that.
- BOY 1: Run! Ashy Slashy's coming to get you! You think Ruby's here?! In a crack house? No, this is my house.
Or at least it used to be.
Oh, it's, it's nice.
Your parents still live here? My parents died a long time ago.
Just um, give me a sec.
I've never seen the Jefe like this before.
Whatever happened in this town seems to really haunt him.
Look at this creepy fucker.
Where? He was right dude, he was right there.
[shrieks] Oh, shit! Asshole.
[woman screams] - [growling] - [woman screams] [horror music on television] - [gunshot] - Oh! You come here to rob me, punk? Think I won't fight back? I'm not robbing you.
Ashley? Hello Dad.
Been a long time.
You look Old.
- Bloated.
Like a sack of - Yeah, I get the idea.
How you been, pop? - What do you want? - Nothing.
Can't a guy come and see his own father? What the hell is that? Oh, it's um, a utility hand.
A friend made it for me.
Check it out.
I'm better, stronger - Faster? - Yeah! Bullshit.
Looks like some piece of crap made in China.
KELLY: What was that gun shot?! Alright, put down the guns! - What is going on? - You got a green card kid? Kelly, Pablo, meet my father.
Filthy and fine.
Brock Williams.
But you can call me Cock.
He's your father alright.
Um, I thought you said your Dad was dead.
Dead? He's the one that died.
Not me.
Uh, we were sort of dead to each other.
What have you done now? Nothing.
We're just looking for someone.
Pablo I drew most of it while the car was moving, but What? You're looking for Bigfoot? It was a bumpy ride! Okay, you know what? Forget it.
You don't want to help, that's fine.
Some things never change.
Oh, still the victim with you, huh.
Always somebody else's fault.
Somebody else made you go to that cabin.
Somebody else chopped your hand off - Ah, no, I did that.
- Somebody else killed your girl.
No, I did that too.
Come on, Dad, you know exactly what happened.
Why didn't you set those people straight? Because you should have.
Instead you let 'em beat you down and you ran away with your tail between your legs.
Thank God your mother wasn't here to see that.
I did what I had to do.
Ashley, it's taken me a long time to get my life back together.
I think it's best that you and the "illegal" here just leave.
Kelly, would you like to have dinner with me? That's a hard pass.
Get out.
Let's go.
[indistinct TV chatter] [bell tolling] Elk Grove.
Hasn't changed a bit.
What's the plan? We split up.
Ask around.
You! You ruined my life.
I've ruined a lot of people's lives.
Here, man.
I've got some change.
How what the How did Thanks.
Okay, let's go.
Jacksonville's waiting.
- [music playing] - [indistinct chatter] Whoa, Ash Williams.
[chatter stops] Ash? Ash Williams, is that you? Linda Bates! Holy hell Wow.
It's been so long.
You look great in that waitress get-up.
Probably even better out of it.
- [chuckles] - Same Ash.
All okay here? Yeah.
Little Tommy Emery?! It's Sheriff Emery now.
And I'm all grown up.
You can ask around.
Oh, you - No! You married Safety Boy? - Who? That's what we called him back when he was a Hall Monitor.
Remember the time you peed your pants outside the locker room? Because you were leaning on the door.
- Guilty.
- Hey, that was such a long time ago.
- Right, honey? - No.
Can you give us a second? Sure.
Mm, mm, mm Hey.
Hey! You've got some huge balls showing your face in this town.
Yeah, I do.
Notice I never wear gym shorts.
I'm here on business, looking for a woman.
She's bad news.
If I don't find her, you might actually have something to do around here.
Well then, let's find her for you.
Everyone, this is Ash.
Some of you may know him as Ashy Slashy, because he went crazy and chopped up his friends.
Okay, that's not true.
I did not go crazy.
I knew exactly what I was doing when I chopped up my friends.
And now, Ashy Slashy is back in town looking for a new woman.
So, what do people think? Should we help Ash find another victim? Or should we kick him back to whatever rock he was hiding under? Fuck this sicko! He's got to go! Yeah! Get him out! Ashy Slashy! [chanting] Ashy Slashy! Ashy Slashy! Ashy Slashy! Ashy Slashy! Ashy Slashy! Ashy Slashy! No.
No more running away.
[gasps] Alright.
Get the gum out of your ears and listen up, you inbred, degenerate screw heads except you Linda.
You're so not like them.
Yes, I am Ashy Slashy, the Boomstick Butcher with the Chainsaw Hand.
But you nimrods got me all wrong I'm here to save this town, to save my town, whether you like it or not.
Now I'm here looking for somebody.
Check it out.
She goes by the name of Ruby.
Anybody? You use your chainsaw to draw that? [laughter] Time to leave, Ash.
Oh, I'm gonna leave alright.
And don't you worry, after I save all your sorry asses, you won't see me again for another thirty years dicksticks! - Loser! - Yeah! [laughter] [unintelligible whisper] Ugh! [gasps] Nooooo! [screaming] Hey! Hey! Take it easy.
[panting] Pablo? What's wrong? I just saw Ruby.
- Saw Ruby? Where? - I don't know.
I just had a weird vision of her in front of a big brick building.
There were uh, these smoke stacks there Two big smoke stacks? Yeah.
That sounds like the crematorium This is it.
I saw it so clearly.
Pablo, how long you been having these visions? Ever since Ruby put that book on my face I've been having nightmares.
But they happen while I'm awake.
How come you never said something? I was afraid.
I don't know what's happening to me, Jefe.
Lets go get some answers.
[chimes] [dings] We gave peace a chance.
Now it's time for war.
[low rumble] Alright, you two go that way.
But remember, these weapons are only gonna stun Ruby.
So use them to knock her down or whatever.
Then before she heals I'm gonna put an end to this horse pucky once and for all.
Oh, god! [growl] [pipes rattle] [rattling] Ruby! I know you're out there! Hey! Creepy kid? You grew up quick! You should not have come back, Ashley.
[grunts] [sinister laugh] Ugh.
Ash!? - Ash? - It's that way.
- Ah! - Kelly! Kelly! Kell! [yelling] [panting] Kelly! [Deadite groaning] [Pablo gasps] [bones creaking] [grunting] [chainsaw buzzes] Yeah, that's it! Run home and cry to Mamma! You tell her Ashley J Williams is looking for her.
Huh! Oh Why you [coughs] My goodness.
[Deadite whispers] [screech] [panting] [yelling] Kelly, you're stronger than Ash.
Why follow when you should lead.
Ah! Join us.
[choking] [singing] We're gonna get you We're gonna get you We're gonna get you - Ah! - We're gonna get you Get this! Hah! Yippee Kai-aye mother fu [laughter] Oh, shit Oh! Fuck! Help! Help! Ash! [whispers & echoes] Ash.
[whispers & echoes] Ash.
- Ash? - [screams] You actually found me.
Don't be so surprised you know.
I do have my moments like this one.
- Hey.
- You broke our truce, why? I had no option.
I had to summon you What? So you can sic your creepy ass kids on me? No.
My children have turned on me.
I have lost control of them.
They want the Necronomicon.
They're trying to destroy me.
[fake cry] Poor Ruby.
Yeah, welcome to my world, sweet cheeks.
Doesn't feel so good, does it? At least you still have all your appendages! Now Ash I need your help Oh.
Oh, you need my help? Okay, first of all, screw you and your ugly ass kids.
Here's what, I need.
I need to be back in Jacksonville on my second keg of beer, putting my spicy man meat into a mother-daughter sandwich, that's what I need.
As unappetizing as that sounds, you can still have all of that.
Just trust me.
- Help me stop my childre - [growls] Hey! I wasn't done with her! Help! Help! Pablo help! [gasps] [coughing] [grunts] Mamma.
Three creepy kids.
Well, Ruby's a big girl.
I'm sure she can handle herself.
Gah! Where is the Necronomicon? What have you done with it? I'll never tell you.
[yells in pain] Oh, those damn radar eyes.
Do I save her 'cause I should? Or cause she's hot? Mamma.
ASH: [whistles] Alright, you naked assholes, time to pick on someone your own size.
[growls] [growls] [revs chainsaw] You want some?! [yells] You feel that? Huh? Do you? You feel that? [laughing] Do you? The Necronomicon says you are humanity's true savior.
This is where your story ends, Jefe! [shriek] Mom.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, creepy kid.
Playtime's over.
I told you you could trust me.
- Jefe!? - Stay the fuck away from him! I got this.
I've made a huge mess.
Yeah, you really fudged the bowl this time, didn't you? And now you want me to put the old rubber gloves on and help you scrub it clean.
Part of me is already regretting calling you here.
Get used to that feeling.
- Where's the book? - Hid it.
Go get it.
My children are too powerful for me alone.
Ash, I need you.
All of you, help me retrieve the Book and send them back to Hell.
Give me a second.
You guys good with that? Huh? Okay.
We get the Book.
Send your loser kids back to Hell we're back in Jacksonville by Friday.
Pablo, first round of 'Ritas is on you, because Ah, yeah, you already used that one.
- Really? - Word-for-word.
Maybe I'm getting that bad memory disease.
- Alzheimer's? - Alzheimer's?! That's a bad memory disease.
Why would you mention that? Focus up, we got work to do! Let's go save the world.
Been sailing the space waves It seems like forever I can't count the miles my mind has flown Yeah people I've been somewhere While on my way to nowhere And I discovered my ways Have a mind of their own I'm a star rider In a race about me I'm here for the romance Think of this song