Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Morgue

1 [screaming] Ash.
Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.
My hometown.
[gunshot] - Ashley? - Pablo, Kelly, meet my father.
You said your dad was dead.
Uh, we were sort of dead to each other.
Ever since Ruby put that book on my face, I've been having nightmares, but they happen while I'm awake.
Where is the Necronomicon? I'll never tell you.
- [groans] - [roars] - Night-night.
- [gunshot] My children have turned on me.
Help me retrieve the book, and send them back to hell.
Let's go save the world.
[Jazzy music playing] Whoa.
Mm, man, looking good.
Looking sweet.
[Car approaches, brakes screech] Jesus! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That cyborg hand of yours got something against - knocking on doors? - Sorry, Dad.
Just going up to my room.
It looks like you found bigfoot.
Why you still here? Uh, we just, uh, got to take care of some business.
Just a couple of days, then I'm gone.
Oh, for Christ's No more horseshit about demons.
What difference does it make? You wouldn't believe me anyway.
Look, Pop, I know you don't want me here You're the one that ran off like a scalded dog, - left me here alone.
- Yeah, news flash.
I wouldn't have, if you stood by me.
Oh, so it's my fault because, what? I didn't give you enough hugs? Sack up, sunshine.
Now look, I know that I'm not the son you wanted, and I know that Elk Grove would rather have a hero who doesn't live in a trailer, and doesn't have a boat load of cold sores, but too bad! I am your son, and I'm the only hero Elk Grove has.
[Kelly and Pablo clearing throats] Ah, except those two.
Ah, yeah, the jury's out on her.
All right, here's the deal.
My lady's on her way over here.
I'm going to be up to my elbows in cheesecake real soon.
And when your "business" is done well, you know where the door is.
Great Dad, thanks.
Oh, and by the way, "bigfoot" has a name.
- It's Ruby.
- Oh, is that so, Ruby? Well, tell your story walking.
I'm done conversating, time for some fornicating.
- Ooh.
- [laughing] [Woman in the distance]: Ash? - [Wood creaking] - [electricity buzzing] WOMAN: I want to get out of here! Help me, Ash! Shut it off.
[screaming] Look at me! - Ash! Ash! Ash! [screams] - [growls] - KELLY: You okay? - What's that? Another LSD moment? Oh, man.
I told you, dude.
Florida LSD, not to be fucked with.
Got to trust me on this shit.
Yeah, got to be careful.
[door opens, creaking] PABLO: Oh, sweet room, Jefe.
Yep, lot of good memories in here, and there.
[Pablo laughs] PABLO: It looks like it hasn't changed in ASH: 30 years, that's right.
When I left this place back then, I left behind everyone, and everything I ever knew.
Poor fella.
Guess he didn't have the heart to carry on without me.
KELLY: Or the food.
Come on, guys.
We don't have much time.
You've seen how powerful my children have become.
Wait.
Your children? Those things came out of me.
Oh, relax, you're not the father, just the portal for their rebirth.
Are you saying Pablo is a vagina? [laughs] RUBY: You need to take this seriously, missy.
My spawn pose an existential threat, such as the world has never seen before.
They're not only more powerful, and more intelligent, and dangerous.
Okay, yeah, got it.
They're big, mean, smart.
Just tell us where they are, we'll go spank their naked butts.
Nope, we got to retrieve that Necronomicon before they get their hands on it.
That's all we have to be concerned about right now.
ASH: This is easy! We'll be back in the sunshine state before you can say Fort Ticonderoga.
Where'd you put it? [suspensful music] [Hip Hop music playing] Ah.
[pounding] [music playing in headphones] [electricity crackling] [screaming] The best hiding place you could think of, was a fucking corpse?! Dead flesh masks the scent of the book from the spawn.
So in terms of quick thinking, not the worst idea.
We could argue worse ideas all day long, believe me, time to put on our dancing shoes.
Hold up.
Family meeting.
Not you.
I don't trust her, Jefe.
She's hiding something.
Agreed.
Something's funky.
Because if she's some kind of half-demon, immortal badass, why does she need us? Look, I would trust a blind proctologist more than her, but you know the deal.
Unless you have a better plan? Leave her here with me while you guys go get the book.
I'll figure out what she's not telling us.
KELLY: Yeah, I don't think that's such a great idea.
PABLO: I got this.
Trust and believe I'll carve her up like a Halloween pumpkin if she even looks at me funny.
Damn, Pablo.
Badass.
Not so much of a vagina now, am I? Well, actually, vaginas are powerful and life-affirming.
So technically, you're more of a vagina now - than you've ever been.
- ASH: She's right, buddy.
And I couldn't be prouder.
Sorry, lady.
You're riding the pine today.
Pablo, and his friend Mr.
Kandarian dagger, - would like a word.
- [chuckling] No, no, no It wasn't a question.
You want your book back, that's how it happens.
Fine.
Just, uh, don't touch any of my stuff.
Except to tidy up.
Seriously, don't let her touch any of my stuff.
Except to tidy up.
KELLY: Mm, must be hard coming back.
Confronting your past, and all your many mistakes, and bad decisions.
ASH: Holy pickle dicks, it's Lillian Pendergrass! KELLY: What's a Lillian Pendergrass? That beautiful creature right there.
I'd know that caboose anywhere.
Are you having a stroke? Hey, you say that now, back in the day, Lillian Pendergrass was a smoking hot former gymnast turned Phys Ed teacher.
You know what I'm talking about? She wore these tiny, little polyester shorts.
- You know during the summer, - [sighs] when you find that perfect peach? KELLY: Your next words better be "the end," or I will shoot us both.
- Me first.
- I'll give you the abridged version.
[laughs] ASH: I boned her in the back.
KELLY: Good for you.
ASH: She's going to the house.
She must've heard that I'm back in town.
[chuckling] Oh, no! Well, sorry Lillian.
Tool time's going to have to wait, - because Dad's got a job to do.
- LILIAN: Hello.
MAN: Looking good.
Oh, oh, hey.
Well, it looks like big daddy's working from home today.
That son of a bitch.
Not again.
[chuckling] Wait.
Again? [engines start] [elevator bell dings] KELLY: So, um, you give any thought to how we explain what we're doing here? ASH: Relax, just a couple of regular people, taking a stroll in a hospital.
KELLY: Morgue.
A hospital morgue.
Nobody strolls through a morgue.
We look shady as fuck.
We get busted, we're getting locked up.
ASH: Okay.
Nobody's going to be locked up, okay? I'm going to be like a ninja losing his virginity, quick and discreet.
You just guard that door.
Nobody gets in.
- [tense music] - [electricity crackles] Okay.
Probably should've asked which one.
Okay bodies, who's got the book? Oh! What a waste.
- What a waste! - [pounding] Come on, you piece of crap.
[chainsaw revving] [Ash groans] Fuck.
PABLO: I need to know what's happening to me.
What did you do? You make me evil too? RUBY: Oh, so this isn't about me at all.
Well, it was very naughty of you to deceive Ash like that.
But I'm very impressed.
Yo, just answer the question! I would like to, but I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
You do seem upset, though.
So come on, sit down, and tell me about it.
PABLO: Yeah, I don't want to sit.
I want to talk about the book.
All right? It did something to me.
It changed me, and you're going to tell me exactly how, right now! Fuck! [grunts] We do not have time for this.
So you're going to answer my questions, right now.
Wait a minute.
Son of a bitch.
Ash, look first, cut later.
[sighs] Ah, of course.
There you are.
Come on now.
What the Harryhausen? [grunts] KELLY: Definitely getting locked up.
Faygo.
Hm.
Come on.
Come on, motherfucker! Hey, you know what? - [gun clicks] - [elevator bell dings] [Elevator bell dinging continues] Give me my fucking pop! Going to jail.
Give it to me! [Sheriff emery clearing throat] Oh, hey.
You know what? Great timing, because your pop machine is on the fritz.
[groans] Give it back! [grunts] Oh no, you don't.
Nobody hides from Ashley J.
Williams.
- ASH: Hm? - [schrieks] [Ash groans] [screaming] This part of the hospital is off limits.
Why are you here? I could ask you the same thing.
There's been a lot of weird shit happening around town lately.
And your friend, Ash, he ain't a stranger to weird shit, is he? Dude, he's like the father of weird shit.
So, you're going to have to be much more specific.
Lot of unexplained deaths lately.
Then all of a sudden, you and that bozo roll into town.
Wow.
Someone's on the fast track to detective.
All right, smart-ass.
You stand there, and crack wise.
We'll just see what the coroner has to say.
But dollars to donuts, Ash Williams will figure in his explanation, somehow.
Now if you'll excuse me.
I said, excuse me.
[Both grunting, yelling] [music stops] [Ash laughing, grunting] Oh no, no, no.
Oh, no, no.
Not up the butt! Not up the Oh.
Oh God! Oh God, I'm in the butt! I'm in the butt.
I'm in the butt! [groans] Get it off me! What are you doing? [screaming] Don't you suck my Johnson! [Ash whimpering, grunting] Where you go? Oh, okay.
Okay! Get off me! Get off me! Get your dick off my face! This town is only big enough for one asshole, and that asshole is me.
- [gunshot] - Oh! "Lillian Pendergrass.
"Pneumonia?" That's not Lillian Pendergrass.
Mmm, you smell like Lysol Wipes.
ON TV: You will fight, or fall, where you stand.
When did you say Ash would be back? - ON TV: A single - Uh, who? Ashley.
Your son.
Oh, uh, who cares? Could be 10 minutes, could be 30 years.
- Doubt if I'd be that lucky twice.
- Hm.
Why the interest, anyway? Surprised you even remember him.
He's a tough one to forget.
Ah, well, he's not going to stop me from trying.
ON TV: where you stand.
A single Roman lacks courage enough to face me! RUBY: Tell me what's been happening to you.
Come on, you're the one who was crying for answers.
I- I wasn't crying.
You see, the book has never attached itself to a human before.
Is it possible that it left some kind of an imprint? Some terrible knowledge? Are you having nightmares? Premonitions, or? Oh, premonitions.
Good.
That's what we need to know.
I ain't telling you shit, lady.
[grunts] ASH: Kelly.
KELLY: Down here.
We got to get out of here, right now! Oh, shit! What happened in there? Oh, uh, let's go with colonoscopy? What the hell happened here? KELLY: He was abusing his power.
- I informed him of my rights.
- With a sledgehammer? Not my fault he got a glass jaw.
Wow, he's really out.
Soon as this asshole wakes up, this asshole's going to jail.
Number one, never say "ass" or "hole" in my presence ever again.
- Got it? - Got it.
- Ever! - Okay.
Number two, no one's going to jail.
Witness.
[laughs] See that? Back in school when we used to beat him up, he would whiz himself, but he never told the teachers, why? KELLY: Because he pissed himself.
Bingo.
So we could just keep doing it.
That is horrible, and also awesome.
Which is everything that I do.
Oh, newsflash, we got to get home and save Pablo.
Lillian is a deadite.
[noise upstairs] Did you hear that? From upstairs.
Oh, it's probably Ashley.
Must've snuck in the back door like some cowardly dog.
Why don't you forget about Ashley, and slide on over here, and give old Brock some splenda, huh? [laughing] Oh, I like the sound of that, Daddy.
You get your fine self ready, while I freshen up in the little girl's room.
I was born ready, turtle dove.
You just hurry back.
You'll know where to find me.
What about your dad? You only said we had to get back to save Pablo, what about your dad? Kelly, in war, there's always gonna to be collateral damage.
How can you say that, Ash? I mean I know you two don't get along, but he's family.
He's your father.
And he won't be around forever.
Are you kidding me? That old buzzard? That guy's going to outlive us all.
That's just another way the man upstairs chooses to schtup me in the pooper.
[inhales, exhales] - Stop! - Whoa, fuck! Whoa! The fuck asshole! Hey, don't give me that look, punk.
- Roads are for cars.
- Fuck you! You need to watch where you're going! And you need to wait until your balls drop before you talk to me, son.
- [Kelly laughs] - Yeah? Well your piece of shit car - smells like a piece of shit! - Oh, yeah? Well, my piece of shit car isn't the cause of this shit.
It's all me, baby! Beat it! - Hey, whoa, whoa! - Yeah, sit and spin! - Well, fuck you! - [Ash chuckles] - Enjoy puberty! - [Both laughing] - Fucking douche bag! - Guess we told them, huh.
Come on, Tyler.
Huh? What the f? Hey.
What? Oh, shit! What? No! No! Please! Please! What are you doing to me?! Please stop! No! What a disappointment you've turned out to be.
You really don't know what's going on, do you? No! I'm sorry, I don't know! Precognition, Pablo.
No! Psychic ability to see events in the future.
Do you understand? You're having a premonition.
Just please cut me down! Please! Cut you? As you wish.
[Pablo gasping, gagging] [pounding on door] Go away! [pounding continues] - Pablo.
- [gasps] WOMAN: Ashley, is that you dear? It happened again, didn't it? - Tell me what you saw! - [gasps] - WOMAN: Ashley?! - Stay away from me! - Calm down and listen to me.
- PABLO: You tried to kill me! [roars] Well! Look who it is! The traitor! Makes sense you'd be with Ash, now.
[roars] - [roars] - [grunts] Ow, ow! [groans] [grunts] Ooh, Pablo! Okay, what did I tell you about not touching any of my stuff? Except to tidy up? You ready to tell me what you saw now? You you tried to kill me.
You-you slit my throat with some sort of a blink.
- Fingernail? - Mm-hm.
Baal.
- Huh? - Huh? Pablo's visions, I know why my children are after the Necronomicon, now.
They aim to raise up their father.
RUBY: I don't see the book.
Where is it? Where's the Necronomicon, uh? You failed.
ASH: Let me tell you something, Ash Williams doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.
But I really don't know the meaning of "fail.
" So where is it? I wasn't going to bring it in here with some deadite.
It's locked up in the Delta, safe and sound.
- Wahoo! - Huh? [car engines start] Jefe! It's the Delta! [grunting] Lillian? Took so long, I had to start without you.
Thought I told you to stay upstairs.
Where in the hell is Lillian? - Hey! - See ya! Fuck you, Ashy Slashy! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - [horn honking] [laughs] Yep.
Right up the pooper.
[sighs]