Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Last Call

1 - Ashley? - [gunshot] Look, Pop, I know you don't want me here.
Well, you know where the door is.
RUBY: You've seen how powerful my children have become.
We got to retrieve that Necronomicon before they get their hands on it.
- Where'd you put it? - KELLY: The best hiding place you could think of was a fucking corpse.
- [colon screeching] - [Ash yelling] This town is only big enough for one asshole.
- [gunshot] - Me.
We got to get out of here.
- [gasp] Stop! - Fuck! - Beat it.
Roads are for cars.
- Fuck you! You need to watch where you're going! But I don't see the book.
Where is it? It's locked up in the Delta, safe and sound.
- Jefe, it's the Delta! - Hey! - [howling] - [horn honking] Only you Cared when I needed a friend Believed in me through thick and thin This song is for you Filled with gratitude and love Miss you, baby.
Look at him.
Man, that car's been with him through thick and thin.
War and peace.
PABLO: It was his everything.
I mean, it didn't even have a CD player though.
True that but he loved it.
- [wind howling] - [man yelling, whistle blowing] I cannot believe you guys jacked this from Ashy Slashy.
Are you insane? Oh, relax.
That's all just an urban myth.
[coughing] Okay, not what I meant.
You know? My dad's the sheriff, it's not a great look if I get busted for grand theft auto.
It's not grand theft if the car's worth $30.
[Lacey giggles] Look, I just don't want to give my dad another reason to get pissed off, you guys.
He's been totally on edge ever since this Ash guy came to town.
Lace, don't stress.
All right, after we smoke this dude's stash, we'll dump his piece of shit car somewhere.
No one will ever know about it.
Okay.
Cut it out, Tyler.
Oh, sorry.
Doesn't help that your pervert friend is watching.
- LACEY: Eww! - [all chuckling] Fine, but I'm taking the weed.
Wait up.
Come on, pervert.
[playing on radio] Precious friend [both moaning] With you I'll always have - [Book growling] - [suspenseful music playing] Hey, didn't your mom used to bone Old Hatchet Hand? Uh It's a chainsaw, brah.
No, they were just friends, eww.
She totally banged him.
She was like, "Oh, Ashy Slashy!" [laughing] Ooh, cut it out! God.
- [eerie music playing] - [both panting] Uh, let's take a break.
You need to cool off.
Well, hey, I think we should both be able to express our feelings physically.
[speaking softly] Oh, my God.
I've never met anyone like you.
"Verata" - [growling] - "kanda" I guess what I'm trying - to say is, I love you, Amber.
- "misatra.
" [growling] "Me-stro-bean.
" - [banging] - [Amber screams] Oh, holy shit! What the fuck was that?! I love you too.
Huh? But the car, and uh Uh never mind.
Oh, yeah.
- [both panting] - [pants unzipping] Oh, yeah.
- [Amber biting] - Whoa, fuck! Ah, what the fu - [wind blowing] - [cat screeching] Time to go.
Go where? Get the Necronomicon back before it falls into the wrong hands.
ASH: What do you think you're doing? RUBY: Fixing your mistake.
ASH: I don't think so, bossy.
This is my team, and they go where I tell them.
Not you.
Forget the stupid book.
Chasing that thing's only going to give you a leg cramp.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, I don't? You're the one who grew up your entire life looking for that book, and you never found it.
Me on the other hand, I can't fart without tripping over that thing.
And I fart a lot.
All right then, please tell me what is your genius plan for getting the book back? Oh, I'll tell you.
First things first.
Ah.
[rock music playing] [chuckling] KELLY: What the hell is Pink Fuck? Pink Fuck, is a proprietary mix, of liqueurs and spirits, garnished with orange rind, and um, nutmeg.
Oh, and there's a shit ton of Ketamine in it.
- [Chet laughing] - Got it.
Uh, second question, who the hell is this guy? Well, come on.
Seriously.
You've never heard me talk about Chet? - "No Fret Chet?" - Yeah.
My main man? My number one partner - in crime! - In crime! Never formally charged.
[Ash laughing] Back in high school, me and Chet, man, we used to throw the most righteous parties.
People would come from far and wide for a taste of sweet - Pink Fuck! - Pink Fuck! Here you go.
Try it.
Nah, I'm good.
CHET: Uh, why not? Are you a cop? No, dude.
I just don't feel like drinking a glass of Ketamine right now.
Or ever! She's not a cop, but I have never seen her do Ketamine.
[both grunting in slow motion] Ah.
- Uh-huh.
- Solidarity! Till the wheels fall off! Mm.
So, the sugar is hurting my teeth.
And, uh, I'm pretty, ah [with slurred speech] ah, my tongue is numb.
And it's not - [laughing in slow motion] - [disco music playing] Hey, how about you, Slim? Want to try a Pink Fuck? Hold the Pink? - Raar.
Ow! - [chuckling] Mmm.
This feels so nice.
[chuckling] That's what brings the crowds in.
That's what I'm counting on.
Chet, what do you say, we cook up a big batch of happy, and throw one of our epic parties tonight? And the kids who stole your car will show up! That's a genius plan, Jefe.
Thanks, Pablo.
It's not the worst plan.
Till the wheels fall off, brother.
[both grunting in slow motion] - [both imitating explosion] - [Kelly sighing] - K.
O.
! - K.
O.
! - Yeah! - Yeah! Amber, Tyler, honeymoon's over! [eerie music playing] [gasping] [speaking softly] Oh my God.
What's going on? Tyler? Amber? Are you there? - [Amber gasping] - [Tyler groaning] Dude.
- [screaming] - Holy Shit.
- Come on! Let's go! - [engine starting] [both screaming] Whoa! Oh God! LACEY: What is what is happening? I'm not doing this! [engine revving] [screaming] Oh God! Oh my God, what the fuck is happening?! - No! - [tires screeching] - [Lacey screaming] - [Delta whirring] - [grunting] - [gasping] - [heavy breathing] - [Lacey screaming] Stop it! [tires screeching] - Come on! - Run, Blake, run! - [pop music playing on stereo] - [laughing] Medication time! It's such a - Good vibration - [girl yelling] It's such a sweet You know, I got to hand it to you, this party is popping off, man.
I mean, you got the football team, and cool Goth kids.
The fun gay guy everybody loves.
Some really old men.
What the rice and beans is he doing here? What the rice and beans are you doing here? Hey, it's my question! Look, beat it.
This is my party, okay? It's for young, hip people.
Not old guys that smell like soup.
No, no, no.
This is my bar.
Bert, Roy, and me been coming here every Saturday for 40 years.
You don't just waltz in here, and push me around.
Come on, boys.
Ah, story of my life.
Now he's going to be a creepy old guy, and scare all the cool kids away.
Now I'll never get my car back.
You mean your book, right? Well, of course I mean the car.
[laughing] Oh, did I say car? I meant car.
Look.
ASH: You want to be part of this team? I got your first assignment.
- Kill your dad.
- Yep.
No.
Just distract him.
Keep him away from the kids, though.
I'm going to do some digging.
[suspenseful music playing] Troy.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- Oh no, fuck! - [Lacey screaming] [engine revving] Fuck you! Come on, come on.
Get down, get down, get down.
Troy.
Blake, it won't stop! Fuck! Fuck, I can't! No! Oh, no, no! No! [Lacey screaming] It's coming, man.
It's going to find us! Not if we don't move.
[Delta rumbling] Oh, please don't run.
Shh, shh, shh.
Stay.
Don't run.
Don't run.
[engine sputtering, electricity zapping] [whispering] It stopped.
[engine turning off] - It's definitely stopped, man, let's - No! Don't, don't, don't [whispering] we got to stay here.
Why man? Why is this happening? I don't know.
I don't Tyler! - [engine revving] - [screaming] [screaming] Tyler! Run! Okay, time for a little drinking game.
Now the rules are easy, all right? We go around, and everybody says the worst thing they've ever done.
If somebody's done that, you take a drink.
All right? Okay.
I'll go first.
[chuckling] Recently, I stole a cream colored, 1973 Delta '88 Oldsmobile, with a bunch of skanky beer cans in the back, and a creepy old book.
All right, now who's done that? Nobody? Really? Come on.
Not one of you was out there, hot rodding around? Huh? Jeez, maybe I should've picked a cooler table.
I once crashed my mother's Jetta.
This is not about your mother's Jetta! I'll get a ticket to Hollywood - Can I play? - Great God in heaven You know I love you Whoa, you know I do Well, that depends.
Ever do anything bad? No, but the night's still young.
[Ash stammering, laughing] So we can both agree this car ain't coming back, right? - Right? - [Pablo gasps] Oh, sorry.
[speaking softly] Hey.
You okay? Yeah, sorry.
My head's not right lately.
I [sighing] I can't eat.
I'm clammy, and I haven't slept in days.
I'm terrified I'm going to have another one of my visions.
It's like looking at hell itself.
Yo, ese.
Yeah, well, um, hey man.
I know what you're going through.
You know, I mean, I had some super dark thoughts too, after my time in Desert Storm.
Oh, yeah.
You were in the army? I mean, I don't like to put labels on it.
I'm not comfortable with that, but uh, shooting at Jihadis affects a man, you know? How did you get past it? First you have to, uh, clear your mind.
And then you, uh, check out your problems.
And one by one, and you solve them.
You know? Like, uh, friendly fire mishap.
[Chet grunts] And then, uh, Saudi gold.
Like, uh, Anwar, the uh, village boy.
It's ah mm.
Your turn.
Okay, please don't listen to that numbnuts.
Everyone in this world is plagued by something evil.
You can pour a drink, and you can ignore it.
Or you can stand up, and you can fight it.
Okay? So fight it, man.
Fight your evil.
Yeah, you're right.
I got to be more like you.
I got to be strong.
Man, you-you don't let anything get to you.
So, what does that mean? It means you just roll with the punches.
You don't need a job, a boyfriend, or a home.
Well, I mean, I have a home.
No, like a stationary home.
You-you don't need anything to define your worth.
It's impressive.
Yeah, yeah.
It's, uh, it's it's definitely impressive.
Thank you.
Fuck are you doing? Just being impressive.
Look how impressive I am! - [suspenseful music playing] - [panting, yelling] Come on, Tyler! Go! [shrieking] - Come on.
- TYLER: Oh no! [screaming] No! No! [grunting] [both screaming] - Oh! - [beeping] - [screaming] - [snorting] [squealing] No! God, no, no! [screaming] Oh, God! [both screaming] [gasping] - [engine revving] - Oh, God, no! - [splattering] - No! Oh, my God! [screaming] MAN ON RADIO: Delta has just hit an all time high.
No! - [indistinct chatter, laughter] - Hey, girl.
Hey, there you are.
You look cute.
[indistinct conversations] Oh really? - [rock music playing] - [boy whooping] GIRLS: Trick or treat! Halloween? No, you didn't! [Chet laughing] I'm trying to think of something bad.
But I'm such a good girl.
Oh, come on.
You must have one, teeny, tiny, little flaw.
Well, I did break up with my boyfriend earlier tonight.
- Oh.
- Ah, that's not how this game - Shh! - Sorry.
Talk to me, Amber.
I don't know what my idiot son did to land a piece like you.
Blink twice if you're here against your will.
Strangely, I'm here of my own volition.
For reasons outside my control, I need your son.
It's barely visible, but there's something inside him which makes him [inaudible] special.
Is this a biological clock thing? Because basically Ash and I have the same "baby formula" down in the old crotch bottle.
Oh, yeah.
[chuckling] Hm.
What are you doing? Just want to see Bigfoot's big old feet.
RUBY: Okay, that's it.
[Brock yelling] - Apologize.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
- Uh, hold that thought.
- BROCK: Sorry, sorry, sorry! What the hell is going on? You know I'm done playing it your way.
From now on, you keep your gene pool away from me.
Okay, what'd you do? Nothing.
She was waving me in like a damn air traffic controller.
I thought she liked me.
Nobody likes you.
That's why I didn't want you at this party.
Well, I wanted to die without laying eyes on my disappointment of a kid again.
But them's the breaks.
Yeah? I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm a man.
What do you say we settle our differences like men? What do you got in mind? [cheering, yelling] Yeah, Jefe, um, why don't you just have a real conversation with your pops, and then we can get back to looking for the book, and the Delta.
Pablo, talking is for talkers, people who talk.
I'm a doer, now friend, kindly step aside, and let this great eagle soar, on the back of that bull.
[crowd cheering, clapping] Okay.
- [cheering continues] - [Ash grunting] [yelling] For criminal acts, and violence on the stage That the best you got?! [yelling] Whoa, whoa! [mechanical bull grunting] Hey, Pop.
[laughing] - Whoa! - Yeah! - Oh, yeah.
- Go to hell [laughing] Jefe! - ASH: Whoa! - Whoo! The best you got, huh?! Whoa, whoa! Not good.
Oh, no.
Oh, here we go! Mayday.
Mayday! [Ash yelling, grunts] - For choosing to be - [cheering] A living obscenity The eagle has landed.
Go to hell You're something that never should have happened Come on! Do it! Do it! CONTROLLER: Let's get him up here! You even make your grandma sick [crowd chanting] Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock, Brock! Leaving so soon? Yeah, well, we know the Necronomicon's not showing up here.
And since I wasted all that time following Ash's dumb plan, that's really in the wind.
Yeah, well, we all waste time.
Important thing is, when we decide to stop.
What are you doing out here? I'm sick of waiting around.
Trying to come up with another plan so I can take out my frustrations.
I got a Plan B.
What? Look, we might not be able to find the Book, but we can go after the ones who are searching for it, the spawn, and take them out before they can even summon up Baal.
[speaking softly] Come with me.
Why? [laughing] Why? Kelly.
You're some immortal ass kicker, yet you call Ash for help.
I want to know why.
I needed help.
You've seen what my children can do to me alone.
But now I'm starting to see that it wasn't Ash I was meant to call.
It was you.
Help me.
Then let's go kill your kids.
[cheering] Let her rip.
- Yeah! - [buzzer sounding] Nice and tight.
[Brock grunting] Oh, yeah! [cheering] Careful, Pop.
Don't throw your back out! [mechanical bull grunting] Oh yeah, oh yeah! The hell is keeping him on? [crowd cheering] - Oh yeah! - [Amber yelling] Whoa! - [crowd cheering] - Here we go! You show off! You're something that never should have happened - [buzzer sounding] - [cheering] MAN'S VOICE: Winner, winner! - [electricity zapping] - Winner, winner [Amber moaning] [sighs] Whoo, whoa.
All in the ass, son.
You got to clench those cheeks together, nice and tight.
So you get them so hard you can crack a walnut on them.
- Ooh.
- Ooh, my.
That fanny's hard as Detroit steel, Daddy.
Yeah, it ain't the only thing.
I can't believe you're doing this to me again.
Oh, he always was a sore loser.
Even as a kid, when we played catch.
There's no winners when you play catch, Pop! You just throw the ball back and forth, and you bond.
Yeah, well, I did my best, son, but somewhere along the line, I lost you.
Yeah, like the day I was born.
No, the day you went to that cabin and And what? Go ahead, say it.
We're both thinking the same thing.
Say it.
And killed those kids.
And? And Cheryl.
You took my daughter from me, goddamn you.
You think I killed Cheryl? You think I killed my own sister? What do you want me to believe? That it was the monsters? Yeah Dad, because it's the truth.
Goddamn it, for once in your life, take some responsibility.
You're the monster, Ash.
You killed them all.
And then you took off, and left me here to die alone.
I had no choice, Dad.
You were a miserable son of a bitch.
You know that's why Mom left you, right? Nothing you can say can hurt me.
You already broke my heart.
Come on, sweetheart.
Never should've come to this stupid town, Pablo.
Yeah, we didn't pick it.
Evil did.
[suspenseful music playing] Jesús, María, y José.
PABLO: She's a Deadite! Okay, what are you going to do?! [Ash gasping] Jefe, this is your plan? Please stop! [crying] - Oh, no! - [Blake groaning] - Don't! - I'm sorry we stole you.
[Blake screaming] No! [gasping] [panting] Please.
No, please.
Just let him go.
- [engine revving] - Sorry.
No! No, no, no, no! - [Blake shrieking] - Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I love you so much! I love you, too! - [brakes screeching] - [grunting, coughing] [Lacey sobbing] No, please.
[both screaming] [sobbing] Stop! You can't just sit there.
Yes, I can.
My plan failed.
I didn't get the car back.
Didn't get the book back.
Didn't get the girl.
Because she was a Deadite.
There's no such thing as a Deadite.
Have you talked to my father? According to him, I'm the monster.
Mm.
I'm the killer.
Mm.
I'm just a lying sack of lard! [Ash grunting] Okay, you cannot just sit there on a stool, and drink your demons away, all right? You got to confront them.
Life doesn't work that way.
Listen, you got to march into that bathroom, and you got to show your pops you're not the guy that he thinks you are.
You're Ash Williams, demon hunter.
Deadite slayer.
Friend, hero.
And Jefe.
Okay, I think it's time you introduced Brock to that great eagle.
[Ash breathing heavily, squawking] [Pablo squawking] [in slurred speech] Hey sorry, here you go.
Go, huh, hey-hey, sorry! What are you doing? You're so much better at this than my dead wife.
- [Amber gasping] - Whoa, ho.
Whoa.
Do you want to know a secret? I'd rather you not talk, but sure.
I fucking hate dirty old men.
- What? - [growling] [yelling] Help! Don't you want me anymore, Daddy? - Help! - [chainsaw buzzing] Holy shit! Ash? Hiya, Pop.
Got room for a threesome? - [Amber growling] - Oh, shit.
[punk rock music playing] [in distorted voice] I'm warning you.
I like it rough! - [Amber growling] - [Ash grunting] [both grunting] You're a dirty, dirty girl, Amber.
[gurgling] Believe it or not Dad, this is my day job.
[speaking softly] Holy shit.
- [sighing] - [door opening] [screaming] It's Ashy Slashy! No, no, no, no.
Wait, kid.
Ashy Slashy's going to kill us all! Hey, relax! Everything's fine! [crowd screaming] Don't run, you idiots.
He's going to save us, don't run.
Stop, you damn morons! - BOY: He's coming! - My son is a hero! You hear me? He's a hero! You really mean that, Dad? You think I'm a hero? Of course I do.
Oh, Ashley, I-I've wasted so many years being wrong about you.
One more time? [sighing] I was wrong.
But relieved to see what an honorable man you've become.
Because, there's something I've kept from you.
What is it, Pop? Something so vital, that the fabric of your life may begin - [Lacey screaming] - [horn honking] Oh, Dad! No! Oh, no! No! [Ash screaming] Happy trails to you Until we meet again Happy trails to you Keep smiling until then Who cares about the clouds if we're together Just sing a song, and bring the sunny weather Happy trails to you Till we meet again ASH: Hey you knuckleheads, Ash Williams here.
If someone offers you a drink of Pink Fuck, throw it away, because it's bad shit.
It will mess with your brain, and not in the good way.
- [splattering] - Be smart, and stay safe out there.