Ash vs Evil Dead (2015) s03e02 Episode Script
Booth Three
1 - [rock music playing.]
- [panting.]
- I'll take that.
- No, no, wait.
- It's too important - [maniacal laughter.]
[grunts.]
I'm your fucking wife.
- [growls.]
- [screaming.]
CANDACE: One of your goddamn monsters just attacked our daughter.
Help me! - I'm your Pop.
- What? [grunting, blood splatters.]
Mom! ASH: Looky who's back.
This is Dalton.
He's with the Knights of Sumeria.
I've been waiting for the chance to battle this ancient evil - my entire life.
- [growling.]
EVIL RACHEL: We'll destroy your seed, and your whore daughter too.
ASH: It looks like evil's back, and Elk Grove is ground zero.
Ghost Beaters are back! Fucking-A, right we are.
- [stomach rumbling.]
- [gasping.]
- [thunder rumbling.]
- [tires screeching.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
- [heavy breathing.]
Don't you do it.
Don't you do it.
- [groaning.]
- [rumbling.]
You little shit.
Just let me get off this fucking road! Oh! - [Natalie gasping.]
- Here we go.
[engine revving, tires screeching.]
Whoa! - [both yelling.]
- [brakes screeching.]
[wailing.]
- [skin ripping, splattering.]
- [groaning.]
[screaming.]
[Ruby continues screaming.]
- [eerie music playing.]
- [screeching.]
[screeching stops.]
- Oh! - Oh, shit! Wait here.
- [lightning crashing.]
- [Eric panting.]
Holy shit.
[heavy breathing.]
- [shuddering.]
- [door creaks.]
[cooing.]
- [gasping.]
- [cooing.]
[chuckles.]
It's a fucking baby.
- [high-pitched screeching.]
- [gasps.]
- [both screaming.]
- [biting.]
- [biting continues.]
- [heart beating loudly.]
- [screeching, retching.]
- [groaning.]
- [ripping.]
- [screaming.]
- [gasping.]
- [screeching.]
[skin ripping.]
[wailing.]
Come here.
[high-pitched babbling.]
You may be born from the image of that idiot Ash, but you'll be nothing like him.
Herregud! Eric?! [groaning.]
- [Eric screaming.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
[man whistles.]
[eerie music playing.]
- [faint growling.]
- [shivering.]
- [loud growling.]
- [gasps.]
[faint scratching.]
[air whooshing.]
- [knocking on door.]
- [whimpers.]
Hey, kiddo.
Rise and shine.
You sleep okay? Go away.
Look, last night was the first time you experienced a full-on, balls-out, pedal-to-the-metal demon spawn attack.
And look that's rough, I know.
Now if you want to stay in bed all day, that's totally fine.
Because I'm one of those "cool" dads, like you see in the movies.
[speaking softly.]
I just want my mom back.
That's the one thing I can't pull out of my butt.
Oh, uh, you left this in the Delta.
Uh, some counselor from Kenward High, left you one of those text things.
Ms.
Prevett? Can you give me a ride to school? Oh really, I thought maybe you'd want to spend the day with your old man.
Get a peek behind the scenes at a real working hardware store.
No, I need to see Ms.
Prevett.
She's been a real friend, and probably the only person I can really talk to now.
Oh, come on now.
The "only" one? Can you give me a ride, or should I call an Uber? - [coffee pouring.]
- So you take off without a word, all "chasing after the fight," and then suddenly you're back, with this clown? [scoffs.]
Come on.
Pablo you know me.
- I don't know.
Do I? - I don't know because - I fucking hate clowns.
- [chuckles.]
Hey, I needed to stay in the fight.
Okay? And that's all that this is about.
Yeah, well, I'm not buying this this whole, "Princes Of Sumeria" thing.
- It's "Knights.
" - If they're so bad-ass, how come we're just hearing about them right now? Because shit's about to get fucked up.
- More so than usual.
- Oh, yeah? - How would he know? - Dude.
Knights? Sumeria? Dalton's ancestors were whaling on evil way back in 1400s.
Which would make his great-great-whatever a really big deal, but this guy, is just Is just glad to know that the centuries my ancestors and I spent prepping for evil's return weren't a total waste.
Yeah, well that must be a load off.
- Fruit Loop? - I'm gluten-free.
PABLO: You know what? I know how we got into the "kicking evil butt" business, but what's in it for you? My brothers have been fighting evil much longer than you can imagine.
Tell him Dalton.
Tell him what you told me.
Evil's manifested in many forms over the years.
The Black Death, war, famine.
But it's all rooted back to the master demons we call the Dark Ones.
- [screeching.]
- It seemed like there was no stopping them, but then the unexpected happened.
The most ruthless one of them betrayed the others, and cast them from our world.
In Latin, they called her "Mulier Daemonium Degnaie.
" - "Demon Woman of Fire.
" - [crackling.]
My ancestor seized the opportunity to steal the source of their power Necronomicon Ex-Mortis.
A lot of good men and women gave their lives to get that book.
- [eerie music playing.]
- [unearthly wailing.]
Legend has it, one of us, a sorceress named Kaya, was seduced by the power of the Necronomicon, and tried to use it.
But her soul was taken, and bound within the book.
[wailing.]
Only the Prophesied One can abolish the Dark Ones.
So my brothers and I are sworn to remain vigilant.
To find, and protect him until the foretold battle against evil.
Right, evil's back.
Got it.
Thanks for the scoop, Poindexter.
Save the knee.
Yes, I'm very special, message received.
Now look, if story time's over, can we talk about something that's really important? Time to tear evil a new one, jefe? No.
It's this whole "Dad" thing.
Here I am, kicking evil in the nards, and what do I get out of it? A daughter that treats me like dryer lint.
How was I supposed to know that all that crazy sex could lead to a kid? KELLY: Yeah, funny how that works.
You know what, let's just hope he didn't leave anymore - little Brandys out there.
- [spitting.]
Jesus of Anaheim.
- [doorbell rings.]
- Hi, Dad! Meet the rest of your kids! Hey, Dad.
[gasps.]
I'll be in the car.
That demon girl did say something about my seed.
Pablo, I have Brandy duty, then I got to check something out.
Can you open the store solo this morning? The store? Jefe, evil is back! Ghost Beaters got to gear up! - What he said.
- New guy, take a knee.
Now listen up.
Evil is not the boss of us.
We got to do that thing, what's it called? Like when you're driving in a car, putting on deodorant, and trying to drink a beer - at the same time? - Reckless endangerment? No, Kelly, keep up.
Multitasking, that's it.
We can do this.
We can whale on evil, and provide Elk Grove with top quality hardware, at a reasonable price.
- But - But not that reasonable! [chuckling.]
I missed him.
So, umm [clearing throat.]
I'm sorry about your mom.
Yeah, ol' Candy was a hell of a gal back in the day.
She had a real "can do" attitude.
You said you barely remembered her.
Well, she just caught me by surprise is all.
Hey, cute story.
[chuckling.]
On our wedding night, we were going at it in the back seat, when all that Kentucky Glory started to catch up on her.
But after she sicked up on the front dash, and I mean all over the front dash, she was ready for round two.
Let me tell you, not a lot of ladies have that kind of Hard to believe - 30 days in the hole - [woman singing gospel over radio.]
Hey, hey.
[laughing.]
Good shit.
30 days in the hole - That's what they do - 30 days in the hole [engine stops, song ends.]
- [eerie music playing.]
- [indistinct chatter, sobbing.]
[squawking, static over radio.]
Brandy as your father, it's probably wrong for me to suggest that you mislead the police.
Yeah, it probably is.
But involvement in a double homicide can turn into a platter of shit burgers but quick, so you might want to ixnay, about the urders-may.
[Brandy sighs.]
Have a nice day at school! [slamming.]
Love you! - [eerie music playing.]
- [bell ringing.]
[heavy breathing.]
[indistinct murmuring.]
[growling.]
[snarling.]
- [rattling.]
- [screaming echoing.]
[yells.]
[echoing.]
Help! - [heart beating loudly.]
- [shuddering.]
- [typing.]
- [knocking on door.]
Hey, Brandy.
Hey - Couldn't believe it when I heard.
- [sobbing.]
Police asked me to reach out, but uh I know, I just saw them outside, but I just can't face them yet.
[sniffling.]
They're going to ask me questions about my mom, and Rachel, and you're the only friend I have left.
Well, you can always come to me, Brandy.
[sobbing, sniffling continues.]
Now talk to me.
Tell me everything.
It was so horrible there was this this thing in the hall.
And then and then Rachel [shuddering.]
I know it sounds crazy, but it's like she turned into some kind of monster.
[speaking softly.]
Do you believe me? Oh, I believe that a lot of strange things happen in this town.
My mom's gone.
And then I find out that Ashy Slashy is my real father.
Really? [sniffling, sobbing.]
[speaking softly.]
It's okay.
I've got you now.
[sharpener whirring.]
[powers off.]
WOMAN'S VOICE: Pablo? - [eerie music playing.]
- [rustling, wind howling.]
Pablito? Pablito? You fucking with me? Because I know you talk.
That's what I thought.
- [suspenseful music playing.]
- [groans.]
[groaning, panting.]
- [indistinct whispering.]
- [groans.]
No.
Ahh! Ah, sh [heavy breathing.]
[indistinct whispering.]
[yelling, gasping.]
[mysterious music playing.]
Pablo! You are in grave danger.
[gasping.]
Who sent you? [gasps, shuddering.]
Your uncle.
The Brujo.
Only his magia can save you, from the evil etched into your skin.
Oh, shit.
You rejected his world once.
You must not reject tu destino again.
Okay, but what do I need to do? Oh, sorry, Dalton left his beard trimmer in - [gasping.]
- What? Hey, you okay? There was a naked lady, right there.
But-but that's normal for this place.
Yeah.
[eerie music playing.]
Those marks on your arms.
- That's Sumerian writing.
- Yeah, and what? You've been marked by evil.
Yeah, well, I already know that.
I should probably get to work, and not fight evil right now.
What was that? [car door closing, engine starting.]
Those marks mean your little buddy's soul is in mortal danger.
It's not like he asked for those Sumerian tats, okay? They're battle scars, and his soul won that battle.
But he's been touched by evil.
The legends warn about this.
Sooner or later, he's gonna go demon.
And then he'll be out for blood.
It's not going to happen, Dalton.
Okay, you got to trust me on this one, because this is Pablo we're talking about.
He's like my little brother, he's my best friend.
Kelly, I know you don't want to hear it, but if I'm right, this goes one of two ways.
He kills us or we kill him.
So, after this nightmare ended, this man, your "father," he took you to his house? Yeah, I guess I'm staying there for now.
Uh [sniffling.]
He's got me sleeping in his sister's old room.
- Cheryl? - Yeah.
She died or something, right? Or something.
Ash murdered her.
He shot her right in the face with his shotgun.
His own sister.
[shuddering.]
Brandy now the last thing I want to do is frighten you.
But your dad killed a lot of people.
At this point, your safety is my primary concern.
So, do you feel safe with your father? [pounding on door.]
[squawking, static over radio.]
It's okay.
We'll talk again soon, okay? [door closing.]
- [rock music playing.]
- [tires screeching.]
Ah, Mr.
Williams.
- Hi.
- How's your father? Oh, he's still dead.
Oh, too bad.
He was a good man.
Produced a lovely semen.
- High sperm count.
- Is that a fact? Unfortunately, we couldn't use it.
- Oh? - Syphilis.
Ah, T.
M.
I.
- Hey, Mr.
Williams.
- Hi.
Booth three as usual? Actually, Marci, as my ethnically diverse friend Pablo would say, I need a "por-favor.
" As you know, I've supported clinics like this for years, and years.
It's-it's been my life's work.
So, I was just curious.
Is there a way to find out, if anybody's ever ponied up for my particular man-sauce? Oh [laughs.]
well, we're not really supposed to give out that information.
Oh, no, course not.
Yeah, I understand.
But come on, we're talking about "me".
We're talking about your old pal Ash.
[sighs.]
We're talking about the hero, of Elk-fucking-Grove.
It really is against the law.
Now, that little sweetie, is worth 20% off on almost everything in Ashy Slashy's.
You know sale items, liquor, and perishables excluded, of course.
What do you say? 30% would be better.
[scoffs.]
For you, the moon.
[pen scribbling.]
- There you go.
- Let me see what I can dig up.
- Might take me a few minutes.
- Of course.
- [Ash chuckling.]
- [computer beeps.]
[Marci typing.]
[whispering.]
Oh, yeah.
Pow.
[panting.]
Hey, Marci? You know what? What the hell, while I'm here, might as well do my part, huh? - [Ash chuckling.]
- [typing continues.]
[Ash humming.]
[freezer whirring.]
[sighing.]
[chuckling.]
[continues chuckling.]
Oh, oh.
Easy money.
Mmm.
[speaking softly.]
Destroy his seed.
There must be no more progeny of Ash Williams.
[chanting in Sumerian.]
His seed must die.
- [eerie music playing.]
- [electricity buzzing.]
ASH: Hey, what's going on out there? [chuckles.]
You guys pay your electric bill? Come on.
- What was that? - [sighs.]
My horoscope told me some strange things were going to happen today.
- [screeching.]
- [electricity buzzing.]
- [screeching, air whooshing.]
- [gasping.]
What the hell is going on? Uh, yeah.
Trying to take care of some business in here.
[chuckling.]
Can you keep it down? - [eerie music playing.]
- [electricity buzzing.]
Mrs.
Lam? [whistling.]
Oh.
Oh, hello gorgeous.
["Take On Me" by A-ha playing.]
Can you hear me? [Marci shuddering.]
[eerie music playing.]
Mrs.
Lam? Are you all right? No.
- [screeching.]
- [screaming.]
Huh? What are you looking at, asshole? [grunting.]
[muffled.]
What do you think I'm looking at? - [groaning.]
- [pounding.]
- [snarling.]
- [gasping.]
Aw, not so hard, are you now, Ash? - Talking away - [evil laughter.]
- Marci! [grunting.]
- I don't know what Else to say Your seed must die! - [grunting.]
- Ow! - [gasps.]
- Ha! - [growling.]
- Oh! Mrs.
Lam? [in demonic voice.]
Your seed must die! - Hey! - [roaring.]
Take on me - Take me on - [both grunting.]
- [smashing.]
- Take on me - I'll be gone - [snarling.]
[grunting.]
- [growling.]
- Oh! - [yelling.]
- [banging.]
[both grunting.]
- So needless to say - You Whoa! I'm odds and ends, but I'll be - Ooh! - Every - [clanging.]
- last - drop! - [grunting.]
- Oh! - [both yelling.]
[shattering.]
It's no better to be safe than sorry - [clanging.]
- [hissing.]
[yelling, grunting.]
Take me on Take on me - I'll be gone - [grunting.]
- [screeching.]
- [canister hissing.]
- [wailing.]
- [heavy breathing.]
- [growling.]
- [hissing.]
[screeching continues.]
- [laughing.]
- [canister squeaking.]
Huh? - [growling.]
- [gasping.]
- [shattering.]
- I'll be gone Objectifying motherfucker! [screaming, shrieking.]
We're going to rip your balls off, Ash! [groaning.]
Take on me I'm not finished yet! - [smashing.]
- [woman screaming.]
That's what they all say, baby.
- Take on me - In a day Take me on Take on me Take on me [electricity buzzing.]
KELLY: Yo, Pablo.
Hey, so Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
Man, dreams do come true.
[scoffs.]
Yeah some of them.
Ah, come on, Pablo.
I had to get away.
I was forging my path and shit.
Plus, you know how Ash can be when he's not fighting evil.
- He - Smells like Bengay? - Yeah.
- [sighs.]
I was going to say, "he gets a little hard to take," but [laughs.]
totally.
Yo, what's with your boy Dalton, scoping me out like he's some sort of INS agent? It's those tats, Pablo.
- Dalton thinks that - They're cool? That it means this evil shit is still inside you.
But you're feeling good, right? I mean, nothing weird or anything? [scoffs.]
Yeah.
It's nothing more than usual.
- [brakes screech.]
- I'm good.
[Ash sighing.]
Business is booming I see.
What the fuck happened to you? That is a long, sad story, involving some unsightly bodily fluids.
Okay One thing is clear evil's after my offspring.
The born, and the unborn.
- Why? - I wish I knew, Pablo.
But I'll tell you this.
From now on, protecting Brandy is job one.
I may suck balls as a father, but I will not let evil take that away.
Brandy, I meant.
- Or my balls.
- We got it.
- Uh, oh my God! - Oh! - [thunder rumbling.]
- [rain pouring.]
- [Natalie weeping.]
- [door creaking.]
[gasping.]
Please! Let me go! Why would you want to leave? You're about to be part of an amazing metamorphosis.
A what? My little creature was born out of the Book of the Dead.
He's destined to be the next Prophesied One.
I don't understand.
When the current Prophesied One is killed by his own flesh and blood, his powers will move to the next in line.
When I'm done with Ash Williams and his daughter, my baby will be the last man standing.
- [thumping, baby screeching.]
- [gasping.]
Oh, he's hungry.
What is it you want from me? [baby cooing.]
Oh, a leg, a thigh.
He's not picky.
- [baby screeching.]
- [flesh squishing.]
- [wailing.]
- [high-pitched shrieking.]
Woman, take me in your arms Rock your baby Woman, take me in your arms Rock your baby There's nothing to it Just say you wanna do it Open up your heart And let the loving start Woman, take me in your arms Rock your baby Woman, take me in your arms Rock your baby Yeah
- [panting.]
- I'll take that.
- No, no, wait.
- It's too important - [maniacal laughter.]
[grunts.]
I'm your fucking wife.
- [growls.]
- [screaming.]
CANDACE: One of your goddamn monsters just attacked our daughter.
Help me! - I'm your Pop.
- What? [grunting, blood splatters.]
Mom! ASH: Looky who's back.
This is Dalton.
He's with the Knights of Sumeria.
I've been waiting for the chance to battle this ancient evil - my entire life.
- [growling.]
EVIL RACHEL: We'll destroy your seed, and your whore daughter too.
ASH: It looks like evil's back, and Elk Grove is ground zero.
Ghost Beaters are back! Fucking-A, right we are.
- [stomach rumbling.]
- [gasping.]
- [thunder rumbling.]
- [tires screeching.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
- [heavy breathing.]
Don't you do it.
Don't you do it.
- [groaning.]
- [rumbling.]
You little shit.
Just let me get off this fucking road! Oh! - [Natalie gasping.]
- Here we go.
[engine revving, tires screeching.]
Whoa! - [both yelling.]
- [brakes screeching.]
[wailing.]
- [skin ripping, splattering.]
- [groaning.]
[screaming.]
[Ruby continues screaming.]
- [eerie music playing.]
- [screeching.]
[screeching stops.]
- Oh! - Oh, shit! Wait here.
- [lightning crashing.]
- [Eric panting.]
Holy shit.
[heavy breathing.]
- [shuddering.]
- [door creaks.]
[cooing.]
- [gasping.]
- [cooing.]
[chuckles.]
It's a fucking baby.
- [high-pitched screeching.]
- [gasps.]
- [both screaming.]
- [biting.]
- [biting continues.]
- [heart beating loudly.]
- [screeching, retching.]
- [groaning.]
- [ripping.]
- [screaming.]
- [gasping.]
- [screeching.]
[skin ripping.]
[wailing.]
Come here.
[high-pitched babbling.]
You may be born from the image of that idiot Ash, but you'll be nothing like him.
Herregud! Eric?! [groaning.]
- [Eric screaming.]
- [suspenseful music playing.]
[man whistles.]
[eerie music playing.]
- [faint growling.]
- [shivering.]
- [loud growling.]
- [gasps.]
[faint scratching.]
[air whooshing.]
- [knocking on door.]
- [whimpers.]
Hey, kiddo.
Rise and shine.
You sleep okay? Go away.
Look, last night was the first time you experienced a full-on, balls-out, pedal-to-the-metal demon spawn attack.
And look that's rough, I know.
Now if you want to stay in bed all day, that's totally fine.
Because I'm one of those "cool" dads, like you see in the movies.
[speaking softly.]
I just want my mom back.
That's the one thing I can't pull out of my butt.
Oh, uh, you left this in the Delta.
Uh, some counselor from Kenward High, left you one of those text things.
Ms.
Prevett? Can you give me a ride to school? Oh really, I thought maybe you'd want to spend the day with your old man.
Get a peek behind the scenes at a real working hardware store.
No, I need to see Ms.
Prevett.
She's been a real friend, and probably the only person I can really talk to now.
Oh, come on now.
The "only" one? Can you give me a ride, or should I call an Uber? - [coffee pouring.]
- So you take off without a word, all "chasing after the fight," and then suddenly you're back, with this clown? [scoffs.]
Come on.
Pablo you know me.
- I don't know.
Do I? - I don't know because - I fucking hate clowns.
- [chuckles.]
Hey, I needed to stay in the fight.
Okay? And that's all that this is about.
Yeah, well, I'm not buying this this whole, "Princes Of Sumeria" thing.
- It's "Knights.
" - If they're so bad-ass, how come we're just hearing about them right now? Because shit's about to get fucked up.
- More so than usual.
- Oh, yeah? - How would he know? - Dude.
Knights? Sumeria? Dalton's ancestors were whaling on evil way back in 1400s.
Which would make his great-great-whatever a really big deal, but this guy, is just Is just glad to know that the centuries my ancestors and I spent prepping for evil's return weren't a total waste.
Yeah, well that must be a load off.
- Fruit Loop? - I'm gluten-free.
PABLO: You know what? I know how we got into the "kicking evil butt" business, but what's in it for you? My brothers have been fighting evil much longer than you can imagine.
Tell him Dalton.
Tell him what you told me.
Evil's manifested in many forms over the years.
The Black Death, war, famine.
But it's all rooted back to the master demons we call the Dark Ones.
- [screeching.]
- It seemed like there was no stopping them, but then the unexpected happened.
The most ruthless one of them betrayed the others, and cast them from our world.
In Latin, they called her "Mulier Daemonium Degnaie.
" - "Demon Woman of Fire.
" - [crackling.]
My ancestor seized the opportunity to steal the source of their power Necronomicon Ex-Mortis.
A lot of good men and women gave their lives to get that book.
- [eerie music playing.]
- [unearthly wailing.]
Legend has it, one of us, a sorceress named Kaya, was seduced by the power of the Necronomicon, and tried to use it.
But her soul was taken, and bound within the book.
[wailing.]
Only the Prophesied One can abolish the Dark Ones.
So my brothers and I are sworn to remain vigilant.
To find, and protect him until the foretold battle against evil.
Right, evil's back.
Got it.
Thanks for the scoop, Poindexter.
Save the knee.
Yes, I'm very special, message received.
Now look, if story time's over, can we talk about something that's really important? Time to tear evil a new one, jefe? No.
It's this whole "Dad" thing.
Here I am, kicking evil in the nards, and what do I get out of it? A daughter that treats me like dryer lint.
How was I supposed to know that all that crazy sex could lead to a kid? KELLY: Yeah, funny how that works.
You know what, let's just hope he didn't leave anymore - little Brandys out there.
- [spitting.]
Jesus of Anaheim.
- [doorbell rings.]
- Hi, Dad! Meet the rest of your kids! Hey, Dad.
[gasps.]
I'll be in the car.
That demon girl did say something about my seed.
Pablo, I have Brandy duty, then I got to check something out.
Can you open the store solo this morning? The store? Jefe, evil is back! Ghost Beaters got to gear up! - What he said.
- New guy, take a knee.
Now listen up.
Evil is not the boss of us.
We got to do that thing, what's it called? Like when you're driving in a car, putting on deodorant, and trying to drink a beer - at the same time? - Reckless endangerment? No, Kelly, keep up.
Multitasking, that's it.
We can do this.
We can whale on evil, and provide Elk Grove with top quality hardware, at a reasonable price.
- But - But not that reasonable! [chuckling.]
I missed him.
So, umm [clearing throat.]
I'm sorry about your mom.
Yeah, ol' Candy was a hell of a gal back in the day.
She had a real "can do" attitude.
You said you barely remembered her.
Well, she just caught me by surprise is all.
Hey, cute story.
[chuckling.]
On our wedding night, we were going at it in the back seat, when all that Kentucky Glory started to catch up on her.
But after she sicked up on the front dash, and I mean all over the front dash, she was ready for round two.
Let me tell you, not a lot of ladies have that kind of Hard to believe - 30 days in the hole - [woman singing gospel over radio.]
Hey, hey.
[laughing.]
Good shit.
30 days in the hole - That's what they do - 30 days in the hole [engine stops, song ends.]
- [eerie music playing.]
- [indistinct chatter, sobbing.]
[squawking, static over radio.]
Brandy as your father, it's probably wrong for me to suggest that you mislead the police.
Yeah, it probably is.
But involvement in a double homicide can turn into a platter of shit burgers but quick, so you might want to ixnay, about the urders-may.
[Brandy sighs.]
Have a nice day at school! [slamming.]
Love you! - [eerie music playing.]
- [bell ringing.]
[heavy breathing.]
[indistinct murmuring.]
[growling.]
[snarling.]
- [rattling.]
- [screaming echoing.]
[yells.]
[echoing.]
Help! - [heart beating loudly.]
- [shuddering.]
- [typing.]
- [knocking on door.]
Hey, Brandy.
Hey - Couldn't believe it when I heard.
- [sobbing.]
Police asked me to reach out, but uh I know, I just saw them outside, but I just can't face them yet.
[sniffling.]
They're going to ask me questions about my mom, and Rachel, and you're the only friend I have left.
Well, you can always come to me, Brandy.
[sobbing, sniffling continues.]
Now talk to me.
Tell me everything.
It was so horrible there was this this thing in the hall.
And then and then Rachel [shuddering.]
I know it sounds crazy, but it's like she turned into some kind of monster.
[speaking softly.]
Do you believe me? Oh, I believe that a lot of strange things happen in this town.
My mom's gone.
And then I find out that Ashy Slashy is my real father.
Really? [sniffling, sobbing.]
[speaking softly.]
It's okay.
I've got you now.
[sharpener whirring.]
[powers off.]
WOMAN'S VOICE: Pablo? - [eerie music playing.]
- [rustling, wind howling.]
Pablito? Pablito? You fucking with me? Because I know you talk.
That's what I thought.
- [suspenseful music playing.]
- [groans.]
[groaning, panting.]
- [indistinct whispering.]
- [groans.]
No.
Ahh! Ah, sh [heavy breathing.]
[indistinct whispering.]
[yelling, gasping.]
[mysterious music playing.]
Pablo! You are in grave danger.
[gasping.]
Who sent you? [gasps, shuddering.]
Your uncle.
The Brujo.
Only his magia can save you, from the evil etched into your skin.
Oh, shit.
You rejected his world once.
You must not reject tu destino again.
Okay, but what do I need to do? Oh, sorry, Dalton left his beard trimmer in - [gasping.]
- What? Hey, you okay? There was a naked lady, right there.
But-but that's normal for this place.
Yeah.
[eerie music playing.]
Those marks on your arms.
- That's Sumerian writing.
- Yeah, and what? You've been marked by evil.
Yeah, well, I already know that.
I should probably get to work, and not fight evil right now.
What was that? [car door closing, engine starting.]
Those marks mean your little buddy's soul is in mortal danger.
It's not like he asked for those Sumerian tats, okay? They're battle scars, and his soul won that battle.
But he's been touched by evil.
The legends warn about this.
Sooner or later, he's gonna go demon.
And then he'll be out for blood.
It's not going to happen, Dalton.
Okay, you got to trust me on this one, because this is Pablo we're talking about.
He's like my little brother, he's my best friend.
Kelly, I know you don't want to hear it, but if I'm right, this goes one of two ways.
He kills us or we kill him.
So, after this nightmare ended, this man, your "father," he took you to his house? Yeah, I guess I'm staying there for now.
Uh [sniffling.]
He's got me sleeping in his sister's old room.
- Cheryl? - Yeah.
She died or something, right? Or something.
Ash murdered her.
He shot her right in the face with his shotgun.
His own sister.
[shuddering.]
Brandy now the last thing I want to do is frighten you.
But your dad killed a lot of people.
At this point, your safety is my primary concern.
So, do you feel safe with your father? [pounding on door.]
[squawking, static over radio.]
It's okay.
We'll talk again soon, okay? [door closing.]
- [rock music playing.]
- [tires screeching.]
Ah, Mr.
Williams.
- Hi.
- How's your father? Oh, he's still dead.
Oh, too bad.
He was a good man.
Produced a lovely semen.
- High sperm count.
- Is that a fact? Unfortunately, we couldn't use it.
- Oh? - Syphilis.
Ah, T.
M.
I.
- Hey, Mr.
Williams.
- Hi.
Booth three as usual? Actually, Marci, as my ethnically diverse friend Pablo would say, I need a "por-favor.
" As you know, I've supported clinics like this for years, and years.
It's-it's been my life's work.
So, I was just curious.
Is there a way to find out, if anybody's ever ponied up for my particular man-sauce? Oh [laughs.]
well, we're not really supposed to give out that information.
Oh, no, course not.
Yeah, I understand.
But come on, we're talking about "me".
We're talking about your old pal Ash.
[sighs.]
We're talking about the hero, of Elk-fucking-Grove.
It really is against the law.
Now, that little sweetie, is worth 20% off on almost everything in Ashy Slashy's.
You know sale items, liquor, and perishables excluded, of course.
What do you say? 30% would be better.
[scoffs.]
For you, the moon.
[pen scribbling.]
- There you go.
- Let me see what I can dig up.
- Might take me a few minutes.
- Of course.
- [Ash chuckling.]
- [computer beeps.]
[Marci typing.]
[whispering.]
Oh, yeah.
Pow.
[panting.]
Hey, Marci? You know what? What the hell, while I'm here, might as well do my part, huh? - [Ash chuckling.]
- [typing continues.]
[Ash humming.]
[freezer whirring.]
[sighing.]
[chuckling.]
[continues chuckling.]
Oh, oh.
Easy money.
Mmm.
[speaking softly.]
Destroy his seed.
There must be no more progeny of Ash Williams.
[chanting in Sumerian.]
His seed must die.
- [eerie music playing.]
- [electricity buzzing.]
ASH: Hey, what's going on out there? [chuckles.]
You guys pay your electric bill? Come on.
- What was that? - [sighs.]
My horoscope told me some strange things were going to happen today.
- [screeching.]
- [electricity buzzing.]
- [screeching, air whooshing.]
- [gasping.]
What the hell is going on? Uh, yeah.
Trying to take care of some business in here.
[chuckling.]
Can you keep it down? - [eerie music playing.]
- [electricity buzzing.]
Mrs.
Lam? [whistling.]
Oh.
Oh, hello gorgeous.
["Take On Me" by A-ha playing.]
Can you hear me? [Marci shuddering.]
[eerie music playing.]
Mrs.
Lam? Are you all right? No.
- [screeching.]
- [screaming.]
Huh? What are you looking at, asshole? [grunting.]
[muffled.]
What do you think I'm looking at? - [groaning.]
- [pounding.]
- [snarling.]
- [gasping.]
Aw, not so hard, are you now, Ash? - Talking away - [evil laughter.]
- Marci! [grunting.]
- I don't know what Else to say Your seed must die! - [grunting.]
- Ow! - [gasps.]
- Ha! - [growling.]
- Oh! Mrs.
Lam? [in demonic voice.]
Your seed must die! - Hey! - [roaring.]
Take on me - Take me on - [both grunting.]
- [smashing.]
- Take on me - I'll be gone - [snarling.]
[grunting.]
- [growling.]
- Oh! - [yelling.]
- [banging.]
[both grunting.]
- So needless to say - You Whoa! I'm odds and ends, but I'll be - Ooh! - Every - [clanging.]
- last - drop! - [grunting.]
- Oh! - [both yelling.]
[shattering.]
It's no better to be safe than sorry - [clanging.]
- [hissing.]
[yelling, grunting.]
Take me on Take on me - I'll be gone - [grunting.]
- [screeching.]
- [canister hissing.]
- [wailing.]
- [heavy breathing.]
- [growling.]
- [hissing.]
[screeching continues.]
- [laughing.]
- [canister squeaking.]
Huh? - [growling.]
- [gasping.]
- [shattering.]
- I'll be gone Objectifying motherfucker! [screaming, shrieking.]
We're going to rip your balls off, Ash! [groaning.]
Take on me I'm not finished yet! - [smashing.]
- [woman screaming.]
That's what they all say, baby.
- Take on me - In a day Take me on Take on me Take on me [electricity buzzing.]
KELLY: Yo, Pablo.
Hey, so Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
Man, dreams do come true.
[scoffs.]
Yeah some of them.
Ah, come on, Pablo.
I had to get away.
I was forging my path and shit.
Plus, you know how Ash can be when he's not fighting evil.
- He - Smells like Bengay? - Yeah.
- [sighs.]
I was going to say, "he gets a little hard to take," but [laughs.]
totally.
Yo, what's with your boy Dalton, scoping me out like he's some sort of INS agent? It's those tats, Pablo.
- Dalton thinks that - They're cool? That it means this evil shit is still inside you.
But you're feeling good, right? I mean, nothing weird or anything? [scoffs.]
Yeah.
It's nothing more than usual.
- [brakes screech.]
- I'm good.
[Ash sighing.]
Business is booming I see.
What the fuck happened to you? That is a long, sad story, involving some unsightly bodily fluids.
Okay One thing is clear evil's after my offspring.
The born, and the unborn.
- Why? - I wish I knew, Pablo.
But I'll tell you this.
From now on, protecting Brandy is job one.
I may suck balls as a father, but I will not let evil take that away.
Brandy, I meant.
- Or my balls.
- We got it.
- Uh, oh my God! - Oh! - [thunder rumbling.]
- [rain pouring.]
- [Natalie weeping.]
- [door creaking.]
[gasping.]
Please! Let me go! Why would you want to leave? You're about to be part of an amazing metamorphosis.
A what? My little creature was born out of the Book of the Dead.
He's destined to be the next Prophesied One.
I don't understand.
When the current Prophesied One is killed by his own flesh and blood, his powers will move to the next in line.
When I'm done with Ash Williams and his daughter, my baby will be the last man standing.
- [thumping, baby screeching.]
- [gasping.]
Oh, he's hungry.
What is it you want from me? [baby cooing.]
Oh, a leg, a thigh.
He's not picky.
- [baby screeching.]
- [flesh squishing.]
- [wailing.]
- [high-pitched shrieking.]
Woman, take me in your arms Rock your baby Woman, take me in your arms Rock your baby There's nothing to it Just say you wanna do it Open up your heart And let the loving start Woman, take me in your arms Rock your baby Woman, take me in your arms Rock your baby Yeah