Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

Dating

1
Isn't it funny and relatable ♪
When you want to buy a can of beans ♪
But you don't know
if there's beans at home ♪
So you buy
Like, heaps of cans of beans ♪
And then you get home
And in the cupboard ♪
You've already got five cans of beans ♪
Then you laugh and laugh
'Cause there's too many beans ♪
That's so relatable ♪
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha ha-ha ♪
What about when you go to Hotmail ♪
And Hotmail asks for your password ♪
But you can't remember
So you make a new one ♪
But you can't use that
'Cause Hotmail says ♪
That your new password
Was your old password ♪
So you knew your password all along ♪
That is very relatable ♪
Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha ha-ha ♪
And isn't it funny
When you're eating coq au vin ♪
At the Chateau de Chambolle ♪
And then the maître d' serves
Côte des Roses ♪
Which is a subtle wine ♪
And not robust enough
For the flavor of the dish ♪
- Not very relatable.
- No, don't relate.
Personally, not relatable.
Isn't it funny and relatable ♪
When you're waiting for a coffee
They call your name ♪
But then another man
Goes to pick it up ♪
You say, "That's my coffee,"
He says, "No, it's not" ♪
But then it turns out
You've got the same name ♪
You laugh and laugh, 'cause ♪
And isn't it silly ♪
When you're getting haute cuisine
By Marie Antoine Carême ♪
But the student uprising
Had built a barricade ♪
And they're dying on the breach
And you have to walk around ♪
So you're late
To haute cuisine ♪
- Maybe, yeah.
- Yeah.
But isn't it funny
When you're at the airport ♪
And it's really busy at the airport ♪
And isn't it cool when it's 1832 ♪
And you see a strange light
And you step into the light ♪
And it's some sort of portal
And you come out the end ♪
You don't know where you are ♪
And a newspaper says the year is 2020 ♪
So you see a future house ♪
And you walk into the house
And some men are singing ♪
And you start to do a song
Even though your friends are dead ♪
And you'll never get home ♪
- No.
- I'm sorry.
- That's, that's…
- That's not something.
I mean…
… isn't it funny
when you call the teacher mum? ♪
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Notification.
- Notification.
- Notification. Nets.
- Nets. Nets.
Get the nets.
Where's he going?
Get that computer, boys!
- I missed!
- Notification!
- I missed.
- We've got a notification.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
- There's the bastard!
- Great catch, man!
- Thank you.
- Wait a minute.
- We're going on a date!
- Hey, Zach!
- Hey. What's up?
- Our three-man dating profile got a match!
- Oh, my God! Woo-hoo!
- Yay!
Hey! Can I also come
on this romantic rendezvous?
- No.
- Oh, that's fine.
I don't even want to come anyway.
So you can all bugger off for all I care.
This is very rude.
Rude people!
Rude people here in this place!
- Hey, I want my net.
- No, it's my net now!
We're going on a date!
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Alright!
- Going on a date!
I hope I get a little kiss.
One, two, one, two, Aunty Donna ♪
Broden.
Zach.
Mark.
Aunty Donna.
Watching TV
Watching TV ♪
With my best friends
And we're watching TV ♪
Coming to a movie theater
this summer, it's The Hunk and the Dork.
He's the hottest hunk in school.
Kaboom.
He's the biggest dork in school.
He's got a thousand friends.
Kaboom.
He's got a thousand friends… yeah, online.
He walks the walk and talks the talk.
Kaboom.
He's missing half a kidney.
His parents were on The Price Is Right.
Kaboom.
His parents are dead.
Can I get anything right?
He's fingered everyone.
Kaboom.
- He's got no fingers.
He's got 10 dates to the prom.
Ka-bloody-boom.
His prom date is a handful
of fucking wet egg noodles.
Kissy, kissy! Mwah, mwah, mwah!
Oh, no!
But then all of that changed,
when one day the hunk got the dork a beer.
Hey. Do you want a drink, dude?
- Yeah, I would.
- Boom.
But the dork got holes in his belly!
- Oh, no!
- Kaboom.
- Boom.
- No!
Well well, 3,000-piece jigsaw puzzle,
it was six challenging months,
but I've finally opened the box
that you were in.
Hey, Zach. For the last time,
can you oil all the doors?
Every time I open anything, it sounds
like a man saying the word "creak."
- Creak.
- See?
Creaky door.
And every time I touch this watermelon,
it sounds like someone naming
all of Christopher Nolan's films.
Batman Begins.
Memento.
The Prestige.
Uh, the one where it's about war,
and they get the boats.
Dunkirk. Yeah, Dunkirk.
And every time I open this box,
it sounds like someone whispering
sweet nothings into my ear.
- I'm gonna fucking kill you later
- Okay, wrong box.
Hey, rude dude. What's got you in a mood?
- So creaky.
- Nothing, man.
I'm just nervous about our date is all.
The closest I've ever come to a date
is asking a date farm
for their annual rainfall projections.
- What?
- I'm just nervous about the date is all.
Oh, man. It's all about confidence.
You've just got to believe that you're
the coolest dude in the entire room.
Someone like Adam Levine. That's my trick.
- Hold up, Barney Stinson.
Does that actually work?
It doesn't just work, Niles Crane.
It worked.
Take last night, for example.
It was a typical Friday night.
I went out to this hip new bar,
and I see a couple of cool cats
who I wanna know.
So I just walked up to them
and made the funniest joke ever.
And they definitely laughed.
They laughed and laughed
and said I was funnier than Chandler Bing.
He's the funny one from Friends.
This is the truth, Mark.
They thought I was that cool.
Then my new friends, Ginger, Violet,
and Hat, begged me to dance with them.
So we all just danced together.
It was then that Different Hat took me,
my new friends and me
to a hot new club
called Definitely Not Our House.
Ah! That's a cool name for a bar!
- Yes. And real.
We skipped the line and me and my friends
head straight to the dance floor.
I danced with all my dance friends.
And we danced so much,
we called the dance our friends dance.
My dancing was so good,
it summoned the Magical King of Dance.
What? That didn't happen!
No, no,
this part actually happened.
And he full said,
"I am a magical dance king,
and I crown you the Prince of Dance."
Then he gave me magical dance shoes.
Then we just danced.
We danced and danced.
And then he said, "I'm hungry."
So we heated up
some mushroom mini pizzas,
as the King is a vegetarian,
and then we just danced again.
And then he made me try a real burger
and a Beyond burger,
and he said it tastes exactly the same.
But it did taste a little different,
so I didn't know what to say to him.
And then he got hit by a car that was red.
And then he died.
And then I put him in the bin.
And that, my friend,
is the secret of dating.
What? Zach, was any of that true?
Oh, you would be very surprised
which parts were true.
The King of Dance stuff was true.
- What?
- Yeah. But the car was blue. So…
So, the car wasn't red?
- I dunno.
- I don't…
Excuse me, gentlemen?
Hello. Yes?
Uh, we reserved this space.
- Our living room?
- Yeah.
Just checkout the sign up sheet.
- There's a booking sheet.
- I've never seen that fucking thing
in my goddamn life.
Yeah, but we reserved it. So…
What? Who are they?
This is our theater troupe.
We're rehearsing for a show.
It's on me.
I should've booked the living room.
No. It's weird that the living room
has been booked.
I agree. It is weird.
No. I'm… Alright.
- Let's go
- Yeah, you should leave.
Yeah, yeah.
I can feel you in my breasts!
I want it now!
I guess this is capitalism.
Fuck.
- Fuck.
- Uh…
It's been four and a half hours.
Now, let's talk sales.
So, sales aren't good.
Oh, wow.
Hi, man. How are you?
Just chuck your name on the blackboard,
you sexy son of a fuck. Fuck you, alright?
Okay.
I'll get to you as soon as I can.
We're pretty fucking busy, man.
Broden! You're up, brother.
What can I do for you, brother?
Well, me and my friends
have a hot date tonight,
- so I was wondering
- Man, don't worry about that, brother.
Don't worry. When I'm done with you,
she will be
She will be .
And she will definitely
with your .
Oh, okay.
Yo! Can I fuckin' get you somethin', bro?
You want an espresso, pale ale?
You want a tat? You wanna fuck?
Whatever you want, it's your day, man.
I really need the haircut
more than any of the accoutrements.
One pale ale coming up.
I'll give you a pale ale, bra.
Hey, you got a bottle opener?
Don't need one.
Oh my fucking God.
So what you've got here is a house blend
of Jack Daniels, sriracha and hawk semen.
I'm gonna spray your head.
One for you. One for me.
I got boards. I got bikes.
I got tits. I got tats.
And I got political essays.
Because actually,
our clientele are pretty smart, man.
- Seen this?
- Yeah.
Fucking tattoo!
Check it out.
Extra dick on my tit.
- Am I gonna get a haircut?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing it now.
- Oh, God!
- Oh, yeah!
I've been canceled eight times.
Oh! It's poison!
It's poison!
Now let's cut some hair.
They did quite a good job, actually.
For only $95 as well.
Got my haircut, I'm a cheeky boy ♪
Going on a date, you're a god ♪
Mark, get ready to look
at our new clothes for the date.
Oh, okay.
- Right, are we ready?
- Mm-hm.
Ga…
Oh.
Oh!
Look at your clothes.
Look at your clothes.
I love my clothes.
Just sayin'.
- Look at your clothes.
- They're very good clothes-thes.
Zach, do you like my new clothes?
I love your new clothes.
Who made Who made your clothes?
Zach made my clothes.
Did you make…
- Who
- I made my clothes.
But if you made your clothes,
who made my clothes?
Sh!
Just tell me, is it secret?
I didn't make your clothes.
You made your clothes!
Huh. Broden.
Good clothes, too.
These are my favorite clothes.
Zach?
These are great crows.
Guys, these clothes are great,
but your clothes,
- you really knocked them out of the park.
- Thank you.
These clothes, they're a real home run.
- Clothes are great.
- Yeah.
These clothes, they're all, like…
Whoa.
Hey.
Oh, I better…
Whoa
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh!
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
- Going home.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah!
Yeah. That's real good.
Yes!
Yeah.
All I'm trying to say is
I love your clothes.
Thank you very much.
Moogie,
What's your kind of favorite food? ♪
Moogie Woogie's favorite food
Is Moogie Woogie ♪
Moogie,
What kind of clothes do you wear? ♪
Moogie Woogie only wears
What kinds of clothes ♪
If the moogie-woogie-doogie-boogie
Boogie-woogie-moogie ♪
Moogie, I've got severe hemorrhoids ♪
Preparation H is best for you ♪
You put it on your bum
And then you can boogie-woogie ♪
Moogie, when we're going out at night ♪
Where you been, what's that?
Well, is it a fright? ♪
Moogie Woogie gets all kinds of fat ♪
Like just recently
Moogie Woogie found a lump ♪
A lump in his testicle
Moogie Woogie was scared ♪
Turns out Moogie
Had Moogie Woogie cancer ♪
Oh my God.
Do the Moogie boogie ♪
Step to the left ♪
Step to the right ♪
Out of time?
On the line.
- Step…
- Uh-oh.
One day, I'm gonna fuck that Moogie.
Oh. No. Nets. Get the nets.
I'll get the nets.
- Cowdoy catch a bok.
Cowdoy!
Now go home. Stew up some prunes.
Cowdoy!
Cowdoy love to dance.
- Hooray. There, you bastard.
Ah, it's a message from our date.
- What does it say?
- "Hi sexy,
If you want free 5,000 dollar
Westfield gift voucher,
- And there's a link.
Oh, Hoodoo Gurus,
I think our date might be a spambot.
Tell me more about those great deals
at Westfield, Spambot.
I am Spambot. My fuel is Spam.
Kneel before the great sentient
Spam-fueled leader,
as my conquest of Earth
reaches its final passage.
Simply charming.
Do tell me, Spambot,
what do you think of our crows.
If we're not careful,
we won't be wearing our crows for long.
Ay yay yay!
Aunty Donna ♪
Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun ♪
We hope you're liking season one ♪
If not, get fucked and leave, you dog ♪
Just joking, please keep watching ♪
Kneel before the great Spambot ♪
His claws will crush you on the spot ♪
With plans to conquer your planet ♪
Eat Spam and topple the government ♪
Kneel before the great Spambot ♪
The great Spambot ♪
The great Spambot ♪
Kneel before the great Spambot ♪
Kneel before the great Spambot ♪
The great Spambot ♪
The great Spambot ♪
- Kneel before ♪
- Aunty Donna ♪
Watch, watch, watch, watching ♪
- Watch, watch, watch ♪
- Aunty ♪
- Watch, watch, watch ♪
- Donna ♪
- Watching, watching ♪
- A-A-A-A-Aunty Donna ♪
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