Axe Cop (2013) s02e07 Episode Script
Axe Cop Saves God
Buenas tardes, Doctor Maracas! Hya! Argh! Yeah! You did it.
Now let's go eat some birthday cake.
Oh yeah, nothing like a celebratory piece of birthday cake after a successful bad guy massacre.
I'm so sorry, darling, we are fresh out of birthday cake.
Impossible! Every day is my birthday! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! - How's the ham? - Eh.
It's pretty decent.
Hey, maybe you should try the ham, Axe Cop? They say change is good.
I know ham is good.
No! I don't like trying new things! Just take a bite, buddy.
If you don't like it, - you don't have to finish it.
- You're Axe Cop! Fine.
I'll try it.
Um, we would me gusta four quatros of your most bueno hammos, por favor.
Here's your ham, boys.
Yes! Ack.
Hmm Mmm Mm-mmm! - So, you like it? - I don't just like it, I love it! I love ham so much that from this day forward, I'm going to dedicate my life to the enjoyment of ham! Because ham is even better than birthday cake! One day, at the scene of the fire, the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! _ So, he had tryouts and hired a partner.
_ _ I will chop your heads off! I've built the world's greatest ham restaurant here in Washington, DC, the ham capital of America.
May I introduce Chef Philip, the greatest ham cook on Earth.
Oh, ooh-la-la, you are too kind, Axe Cop.
You have really fallen hard for the swine, my friend.
Ahem.
A ham toast.
To ham! - This is amazing.
- Keep it coming, Chef Philip.
Because we're never leaving.
Ugh, I didn't know I could eat that much ham.
It's just a shame all those pigs had to die.
Oh, we don't kill them.
We only take the hind legs.
The pigs get little carts.
You're adorable! In the name of God, put down that ham immediately! Seriously, God told me to tell you that.
He sent me here.
We're friends.
No big deal.
Explain yourself, chicken man.
My name is Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
My power is the ability to shoot chickens out of my brain when I close my eyes.
This is my story.
There was a time when I wasn't a good guy.
I was a bad guy.
Back then I used my powers to commit crime.
Police! Police! My powers weren't strong enough to get away, Not even from the normal police.
And so I went to prison a very angry person who did not believe in God.
Then, one day, I decided I didn't want to be a bad guy anymore.
And my life started to change.
I volunteered to work with homeless people.
I told them if they'd agree to take a shower and get a job, I would give them each a chicken.
I became such a good guy that they let me out early.
From that day on, I've been God's friend - and I fight for him! - Wow, that is a powerful story.
Too bad your powers don't involve ham.
You could save this place some serious overhead.
- Am I right? - So, what are you doing here? Have you looked outside lately?! What the heck? While you were enjoying your delicious ham, Satan and his demons have taken control of the Earth! Welcome to Axe Ham, hell beast.
I hope you like ham, because this is about to be your last supper! There are too many of them! Eating the bad guys is making them bigger! Let's start killing them! No, Axe Cop, Earth is a lost cause! Satan's preparing to march on Heaven.
We must go there now and protect it.
How are we gonna get to Heaven? I have no idea, 'cause that's not easy.
I mean, I'm not ashamed to say that I've done some very questionable things in Shush.
Go on, Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
We all hold hands and pray.
Dear God, my friend, please take us to Heaven so we can help you fight Satan.
Amen.
Bring me all the evil in the capital! So hungry! Now for my ultimate weapon! So pointy.
- Axe Cop, it's beautiful.
- I know.
Where's God? Maybe I can help with that.
God? No.
I'm your real dad that you don't know about.
That's impossible.
Bobber Smartist was my dad.
He died from eating poisoned candy canes.
I'm sure he's here somewhere.
Dad! Daddy! Dad, where are you?! Sorry, son.
Bobber and Gobber Smartist are not your real parents, and you are not from Earth.
Let me tell you your actual origin story, The one nobody ever knew about.
The planet you're from was destroyed.
You escaped in a meteor.
Your mother and I had placed you in there to save you.
When your meteor crashed into the Earth, you were thrown from it.
You hit your head so hard you went into a baby coma and forgot everything.
When you woke up, your instincts kicked in.
You began to hunt for food.
Operatives from the adoption agency found you.
Chopper to base, chopper to base.
Got an orphan down below, bringing him in.
Soon after, you were adopted by the Smartists.
They were gonna tell you but eventually they forgot.
Sometimes old people forget things.
That was boring.
Is it time to talk to God yet? Yes.
It's time to talk to God.
God, Axe Cop and his team have arrived.
Welcome Axe Cop.
As you know, Satan and his demons are trying to attack Heaven.
God? You're a girl? But all girls are on the dumb list.
I have no gender.
This is simply my voice.
I just picked the best voice.
- Wrong.
I have the best - Quiet!!! I need you to defend this sacred place.
To help, I will give you and your team angel wings for one day.
Also golden-bladed chainsaws.
Upgrades, yes! We will gladly fight for you.
But first, I would like to ask you one important question while we're talking.
Of course.
Is ham the greatest food ever made? Eh, it's pretty decent.
Yes! I knew it.
God, we're ready for battle.
Here you go.
Bloop.
It's time to kill Satan! He's got the Washington Monument, the sharpest - monument of all! - That could really hurt som Oh! I bet he's gonna use it to stab God! How are we supposed to fight that? Yah! Stop right there, Satan! Axe Cop? I've heard about you.
Somehow I expected you to be bigger.
Pathetic! Is that the best you've got, God? I'm coming for you, old friend.
He's too big! What are we gonna do? The way I figure it is, if the devil got big eating bad guys, then you can get big eating good guys.
I already thought of that.
- That's my boy.
- Team, start eating angels! Son, don't talk with your mouth full.
I'll try to make this as painless as possible.
- I wont chew, I'll just swallow.
- Awesome! Now you get to go to Heaven-Heaven.
God, I'm here for you, scaredy-cat! Now face me! Ha! Those horns are funny.
Are you supposed to be like a scary ram or something? Ooh, I'm so scared of Satan.
You will be scared when I put this monument through your stupid, glowing head! This is for kicking me out of Heaven! Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice, you shoot chickens at that monument! I'll go after Satan! But I'll never hit a moving target that fast with my eyes closed! That's why God gave you ears, Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
Let your ears be your eyes.
Flute Cop, take it away.
Nooo! - I hope you like hell, Satan! - Huh? And also dying! Hya! Timber! Thanks for saving me, Axe Cop.
I'd like to present you with a gift for a job well done.
My word, God.
You sure do grow some large pigs in Heaven.
We do.
They're very happy here.
It was great seeing you, son.
You've grown up to be a really good Axe Cop.
So long.
Okay, goodbye.
You're adorable!
Now let's go eat some birthday cake.
Oh yeah, nothing like a celebratory piece of birthday cake after a successful bad guy massacre.
I'm so sorry, darling, we are fresh out of birthday cake.
Impossible! Every day is my birthday! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! - How's the ham? - Eh.
It's pretty decent.
Hey, maybe you should try the ham, Axe Cop? They say change is good.
I know ham is good.
No! I don't like trying new things! Just take a bite, buddy.
If you don't like it, - you don't have to finish it.
- You're Axe Cop! Fine.
I'll try it.
Um, we would me gusta four quatros of your most bueno hammos, por favor.
Here's your ham, boys.
Yes! Ack.
Hmm Mmm Mm-mmm! - So, you like it? - I don't just like it, I love it! I love ham so much that from this day forward, I'm going to dedicate my life to the enjoyment of ham! Because ham is even better than birthday cake! One day, at the scene of the fire, the cop found the perfect axe.
That was the day he became Axe Cop! _ So, he had tryouts and hired a partner.
_ _ I will chop your heads off! I've built the world's greatest ham restaurant here in Washington, DC, the ham capital of America.
May I introduce Chef Philip, the greatest ham cook on Earth.
Oh, ooh-la-la, you are too kind, Axe Cop.
You have really fallen hard for the swine, my friend.
Ahem.
A ham toast.
To ham! - This is amazing.
- Keep it coming, Chef Philip.
Because we're never leaving.
Ugh, I didn't know I could eat that much ham.
It's just a shame all those pigs had to die.
Oh, we don't kill them.
We only take the hind legs.
The pigs get little carts.
You're adorable! In the name of God, put down that ham immediately! Seriously, God told me to tell you that.
He sent me here.
We're friends.
No big deal.
Explain yourself, chicken man.
My name is Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
My power is the ability to shoot chickens out of my brain when I close my eyes.
This is my story.
There was a time when I wasn't a good guy.
I was a bad guy.
Back then I used my powers to commit crime.
Police! Police! My powers weren't strong enough to get away, Not even from the normal police.
And so I went to prison a very angry person who did not believe in God.
Then, one day, I decided I didn't want to be a bad guy anymore.
And my life started to change.
I volunteered to work with homeless people.
I told them if they'd agree to take a shower and get a job, I would give them each a chicken.
I became such a good guy that they let me out early.
From that day on, I've been God's friend - and I fight for him! - Wow, that is a powerful story.
Too bad your powers don't involve ham.
You could save this place some serious overhead.
- Am I right? - So, what are you doing here? Have you looked outside lately?! What the heck? While you were enjoying your delicious ham, Satan and his demons have taken control of the Earth! Welcome to Axe Ham, hell beast.
I hope you like ham, because this is about to be your last supper! There are too many of them! Eating the bad guys is making them bigger! Let's start killing them! No, Axe Cop, Earth is a lost cause! Satan's preparing to march on Heaven.
We must go there now and protect it.
How are we gonna get to Heaven? I have no idea, 'cause that's not easy.
I mean, I'm not ashamed to say that I've done some very questionable things in Shush.
Go on, Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
We all hold hands and pray.
Dear God, my friend, please take us to Heaven so we can help you fight Satan.
Amen.
Bring me all the evil in the capital! So hungry! Now for my ultimate weapon! So pointy.
- Axe Cop, it's beautiful.
- I know.
Where's God? Maybe I can help with that.
God? No.
I'm your real dad that you don't know about.
That's impossible.
Bobber Smartist was my dad.
He died from eating poisoned candy canes.
I'm sure he's here somewhere.
Dad! Daddy! Dad, where are you?! Sorry, son.
Bobber and Gobber Smartist are not your real parents, and you are not from Earth.
Let me tell you your actual origin story, The one nobody ever knew about.
The planet you're from was destroyed.
You escaped in a meteor.
Your mother and I had placed you in there to save you.
When your meteor crashed into the Earth, you were thrown from it.
You hit your head so hard you went into a baby coma and forgot everything.
When you woke up, your instincts kicked in.
You began to hunt for food.
Operatives from the adoption agency found you.
Chopper to base, chopper to base.
Got an orphan down below, bringing him in.
Soon after, you were adopted by the Smartists.
They were gonna tell you but eventually they forgot.
Sometimes old people forget things.
That was boring.
Is it time to talk to God yet? Yes.
It's time to talk to God.
God, Axe Cop and his team have arrived.
Welcome Axe Cop.
As you know, Satan and his demons are trying to attack Heaven.
God? You're a girl? But all girls are on the dumb list.
I have no gender.
This is simply my voice.
I just picked the best voice.
- Wrong.
I have the best - Quiet!!! I need you to defend this sacred place.
To help, I will give you and your team angel wings for one day.
Also golden-bladed chainsaws.
Upgrades, yes! We will gladly fight for you.
But first, I would like to ask you one important question while we're talking.
Of course.
Is ham the greatest food ever made? Eh, it's pretty decent.
Yes! I knew it.
God, we're ready for battle.
Here you go.
Bloop.
It's time to kill Satan! He's got the Washington Monument, the sharpest - monument of all! - That could really hurt som Oh! I bet he's gonna use it to stab God! How are we supposed to fight that? Yah! Stop right there, Satan! Axe Cop? I've heard about you.
Somehow I expected you to be bigger.
Pathetic! Is that the best you've got, God? I'm coming for you, old friend.
He's too big! What are we gonna do? The way I figure it is, if the devil got big eating bad guys, then you can get big eating good guys.
I already thought of that.
- That's my boy.
- Team, start eating angels! Son, don't talk with your mouth full.
I'll try to make this as painless as possible.
- I wont chew, I'll just swallow.
- Awesome! Now you get to go to Heaven-Heaven.
God, I'm here for you, scaredy-cat! Now face me! Ha! Those horns are funny.
Are you supposed to be like a scary ram or something? Ooh, I'm so scared of Satan.
You will be scared when I put this monument through your stupid, glowing head! This is for kicking me out of Heaven! Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice, you shoot chickens at that monument! I'll go after Satan! But I'll never hit a moving target that fast with my eyes closed! That's why God gave you ears, Mr.
Chicken-Chickenslice.
Let your ears be your eyes.
Flute Cop, take it away.
Nooo! - I hope you like hell, Satan! - Huh? And also dying! Hya! Timber! Thanks for saving me, Axe Cop.
I'd like to present you with a gift for a job well done.
My word, God.
You sure do grow some large pigs in Heaven.
We do.
They're very happy here.
It was great seeing you, son.
You've grown up to be a really good Axe Cop.
So long.
Okay, goodbye.
You're adorable!