Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad (2013) s02e02 Episode Script
John Prescott and Noel Fielding
Come in.
Hey.
I've got you some wardrobe options.
What's that? Well, Noel Fielding is on the show, and he always wears quite jazzy clothes.
I've got my suit, I don't need any more wardrobe.
Yeah, but Why don't you wear it? No, no, I thought it would be good if we "Noelled" you up a bit.
Bear with me What are these? They're hats.
We're making a chat show here.
OK? Not Brokeback Mountain.
What's wrong with sequins? I'm not wearing a truss, that's for sure.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Backchat.
Put on your ear defenders, lock up your dogs and prepare for fireworks because on the show, we have an explosively eclectic line-up.
The bizarre, but always hilarious, Glam-Goth Prince of Comedy, Noel Fielding, is joined on this sofa by ardent trade unionist and former MP for Hull East, John Prescott.
Yeah.
And what's that I hear you ask? Where's that smell of gin, talcum powder and mild xenophobia emanating from? Why, it's my co-host, of course.
Yes, it's my far right-hand man.
A guy so Tory, he'd happily dismantle the NHS brick by brick and use them to build a bigger swimming pool for his Bupa clinic.
My father, Michael Whitehall.
Let's hope the jokes get better this time.
It's true, you are very, very Tory.
My father is so Tory that, when I was a kid, he bought me a model railway set but wouldn't let me play with it until I'd privatised it.
So Tory that he cancelled Christmas dinner, cos he refused to be governed by Brussels.
How about those two? Relatively funny.
At least I'm Tory.
At least I made a decision, not like you, all sort of namby-pamby.
"Lib-Dem or Greens "What I am?" And all that.
I've made my decision as to which way I'm going to go in the run-up to the election.
I want to know about all different sides.
OK, so on this evening's show, we have John Prescott.
The wonderful John Prescott, one of the biggest characters in politics and the former Deputy Prime Minister in Britain's most successful and popular post-war government.
ONE LONE CHEER Wow! I'm sure he's going to feel really loved when he comes out.
Well, I've been upstaged by a member of the audience now.
I was going to say, what about the Iraq War? What about the fact they spent all the money? What about the fact they brought in a winter fuel allowance for pensioners? They're your guardian angels, in many ways, Father.
I want you to be nice to John when he comes on, please.
Well, I hope his one fan will be nice to him.
The tabloids famously nicknamed John "Two Jags", because he had two Jaguars.
It's a bit unfair, isn't it, Daddy? Or should I call you "One Mercedes-Benz "and a mobility scooter for short trips"? Also on the show tonight is the brilliant Noel Fielding.
SQUEALING Wow! Noel says he doesn't like people who claim that he must have been on drugs to create his show.
There's nothing wrong with being on drugs whilst creating a show.
For example, before we came out here tonight, my dad dropped three pills - two for angina, one for gout.
Let's bring out some guests.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you please give a warm What are you doing? What? What are you doing? Nothing really.
What are they? What do you mean? Why have you got cue cards? You've never had cue cards in any show that we've ever done.
They're just things I've jotted down.
What things? They're just some questions.
Questions for whom? For John Prescott.
Show me the questions? No.
You're not going to I want to see the questions! You're not going to have them.
Give me the question.
No.
Give me Just go and sit down! Go on.
Sit! I've got questions that I want to ask him and they're written on these cards.
You sit down and get on with the show.
All right? Whoooooo! I haven't got many, look.
I don't want you ambushing him with stupid questions.
No, I will ask him in a nice way.
This is a light entertainment show.
This isn't Newsnight.
No.
Well, you can tell it's not Newsnight.
Look at you! You are no Jeremy Paxman.
Right, shall be get on with this now? Ladies and gentlemen, will you please give a warm welcome to a pair that quite frankly it amazes me we haven't seen more of together.
John Prescott and Noel Fielding.
SCREAMING LOUD SCREAMING I think it's clear we've got a few John Prescott fans in the house.
Who's that guy who shouted out about me? Where is he? Put your hand up! Ohhh, see you after.
Your Prescott groupie is over there.
Thank you so much for coming onto the show.
I'm glad we dodged the bullet of you wearing the same thing.
I can't believe you didn't get the Venus fly trap onesie memo that I sent.
This is a long shot.
Have your paths intercepted before? Erm, yeah, we do salsa lessons together.
I think the answer is no.
He seems all right, just the gear he's got.
He couldn't walk in the House of Lords like that, could he? Hey You do have a big red gown! You wear some pretty big clobber.
You are now a member of the House of Lords, John.
What's the correct protocol as to how we should refer to you? Is it Lord Prescott, the Right Honourable? You get all these titles.
I like to be called John.
One of them is Baron.
Can you imagine being called Baron at Christmas time when they're usually in pantomime? So, we just call you John? Yeah, just ordinary John.
How do find being in the House of Lords, cos it doesn't strike me as a very John Prescott kind of place? Is it quite stuffy? I suppose it could be, it depends what you do yourself.
I continue with what I'd do with climate change, which I've been negotiating since 1997.
So, I have at least a political foot in the place that means I can still do the things that I wouldn't have been able to do if I wasn't in the political Either the Lords or the Commons.
So, it gives me that.
That's such a politicians' answer.
I didn't understand any of it.
About halfway through, I started thinking about ice cream.
Mr PrescottJohn.
"You are now a Baron, even though, in 2008, you categorically stated "that you were against what you described as flunkery and titles.
"What changed your mind? "I put it to you, it was because you were offered flunkery "and titles and found them irresistible!" Firstly, I said I was against an elected House of Lords.
I still am.
I'm in it.
It allows me to politically operate.
Is that all right, those two or three words? I got that.
It allows me to politically operate on things that I wouldn't be able to do if I was outside Parliament.
It's not an interrogation.
This is a friendly chat show and that's why I don't let you ask questions.
I just had a couple.
"I put it to you!" John, I want to ask you about the Labour Party.
We've got an election on the horizon.
Do you think your beloved Labour Party is in good shape? It could be in better shape and I think it's working to it.
It seemed that they've got to get over to people and convince them.
Don't run Ed as a president, you won't win.
Run as a party, so people can understand what we stand for and what our values are.
Yeah.
I know it's unfair to just talk about the punching, but it was an amazing moment.
Shall we just remind ourselves, for those of the audience that haven't maybe seen it recently, the moment John Prescott punched his way into the nation's hearts.
SHOUTING OK, I'm just going to move up the sofa for a little bit.
Do you've any regrets about the incident? Nope.
What? You saw red and it was just? I've gone past this guy who's waiting there with the egg and then he hits you with it.
He's been holding it.
All you feel is warm liquid running down your neck.
Now, what do you think it is? I didn't analyse it, I just went in Straight in.
.
.
and exchanged a different point of view.
How did the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, your boss at the time, how did he respond to you punching a man? Well, it happened, he was going into television studios with Dimbleby.
Alastair was with him.
He came out of the studios and said, "Thank God that's over.
"We can't have a day as bad as that.
Nothing else can happen.
" To which Alastair said, "Prescott's just thumped a fellow in Wales.
" He said, "You mean the fellow thumped John?" "No, no.
" Then, his concern was, "Did anybody see it?" "Live on television.
" So, he obviously rung me and said, "Why?" I said I just disagreed with the fellow, he'd thumped me.
He said, "Yes, but in those circumstances, why did you do it?" "I was carrying out your orders.
" He said, "What do you mean?" "You told us to connect with the electorate, so I did.
" That's amazing.
Noel, I want to talk to you about politics, because a lot of comedians are getting involved in politics, Eddie Izzard, Russell Brand, Boris Johnson, all they're all giving it a go.
Would you ever consider going into politics or like, getting involved? It's, sort of, the total opposite end of the spectrum, isn't it? It's very serious.
And what we do is very silly.
So, it's hard to take comedians seriously when they want to have their say.
Erm, Eddie Izzard maybe.
Because you're mates with Russell, what do you think when heyou know? I think the thing about Russell is he does appeal to a specific group of young people in a way that politicians don't.
That's the important thing, they do listen to him.
Politicians would die to have that young audience, because that's the audience that seemed to be disinterested.
I think it's quite important to at least get a dialogue going, get someone like Russell who's quite explosive in there, having his say.
I'm not sure I agree with not voting, I think that's a bit weird.
John, why do you think so many young people are apathetic towards politics at the moment? They didn't seem to be in Scotland.
They did turn out.
Provided the politics is perhaps what they believe in, and think that you're telling them is what you believe in, there's an important part about trust here.
And that's what we have got to really get over to young people.
And that's why we must convince them it's important for them to play a part, and getting the politician to recognise the importance of it.
If we get younger people involved, and they egg you, it'll probably be a Kinder Egg.
LAUGHTER Quite soft and you get a little treat inside.
Mr Prescott you've presumably had many regrets from your time in office.
But surely one thing you must be especially ashamed of was the introduction of that ridiculous bus lane at the London end of the M4.
You drive a car.
Do you use buses? Do you use your bus pass? LAUGHTER When I introduced the congestion charge in London, the idea was to reduce the amount of vehicles and make sure the money from the congestion charge could only go to improve public transport.
And now, we know the congestion's still great, but it has reduced it.
There are less accidents, less deaths.
Sounds like a sensible policy to me.
Doesn't it to you? Yeah, sister.
The priority was given to public transport here Shall we go? But also taxis, which were not public, unless you were calling taxis public transport.
They are public .
.
pay ã50 or ã60 to hire them.
They are public transport.
.
.
person staggering along the street, trying to hail a taxi LAUGHTER Taxi! CHEERING Just let us know when you're finished.
We're finished! Point's made.
Point's made? Right, OK, we can carry on with the show.
He's just a selfish motorist.
Give me the cards.
You're not asking John any more.
You're not asking John about weapons of mass destruction! This is a light entertainment show! I don't believe you've done that.
I wanted more.
Right.
I like your socks.
Mr Prescott LAUGHTER .
.
can you even begin to explain why your government thought it was sensible to sell our gold reserves? Right, let's talk about relationships, John.
Yeah.
I want to talk about your lovely wife, Pauline.
You've been married for 53 years.
Aw, look at you.
APPLAUSE Tell me about how your proposed to her, cos it's an amazing story.
Well, I used to be a commis chef and the hotel I was in, in Warrington, was going to put on a do for us for the engagement.
And I didn't want to go in there and, you know, get on your knees and put the ring, so we did it in a toilet on the British Rail train.
What? Well, it was private there.
The coach was all full.
So I suggested, "We'll do it in there.
" And I gave her the ring.
LAUGHTER We've been happy ever since.
A few bits of problems on the way, but, you know.
As marriages go.
How long have you been married? Oh, not.
Not married yet.
What is your situation? LAUGHTER Um, I'mwith a girl.
Lady.
He calls me his lady.
LAUGHTER Stop it.
Now, every week my father and I will be taking part in an activity, in the hope that it will help us bond as a father and son.
This week I booked us into a session of something called "laughter yoga", to see if this new-age experimental laughter therapy might help raise a titter from a man who hasn't smiled since Labour picked the wrong Miliband brother.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER INSIDE ALL: Oooh! LAUGHTER CONTINUES Ghastly.
Have you been in there? It's like a lunatic asylum in there.
It's not.
These people screaming, waving their arms all over the place.
It's laughter yoga.
Cos you know the way you don't laugh ever? This is about helping you laugh.
What do you mean, I don't laugh? I do laugh.
You've never laughed at anything.
This is all about your show, isn't it? That I don't laugh when I come to see your shows? Probably.
Yeah.
Maybe yeah, a bit.
They're not funny.
But that's because you're not comfortable in yourself and you don't laugh enough.
I'm perfectly comfortable in myself.
You're not.
Let's just give it a go.
It's laughter yoga.
I think it's a complete waste of time.
It's going to be really fun.
Please come and join us.
Hi.
So, this is a laughter play shop.
What we're going to be doing is improvised games.
And then, kind of, see whether we lighten up a bit.
So, we're going to start with what is called a name game.
We're going to go this way and everybody will say their name and everybody else's name beforehand.
So, my name is Kneehat.
Knee and hat.
OK.
Kneehat.
Guy.
Kneehat, Guy, Jerome.
Kneehat, Guy, Jerome, Eva.
Kneehat, Guy, Jerome, Eva.
And your name.
And my name is Michael Whitehall.
LAUGHTER 'They were absolutely lovely people and Kneehat, the instructor,' was brilliant.
He was the definition of a barrel of laughs.
Jack.
Guy.
You.
LAUGHTER You have to say their name.
What? You can't just say "you.
" I don't know The whole point is The whole point is that you've learned the names.
I didn't learn their names.
Why would I know their names? They were a classic audience for Jack because they were in hysterics before he even spoke.
And that, for him, would be a perfect audience.
Have a short talk in gibberish.
Like this: HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH OK, let's do it.
THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH How do you do? 'There were actually moments where I felt' that I was an extra in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
THEY CHAN THEY CHEER THEY LAUGH 'The problem is, my father's just not a very happy person.
' His face at rest is the face of a man whose bollocks have just hit a hot bath.
LAUGHTER HE MUTTERS Ha.
Haw! I'm beginning to get the hang of what's going on here.
THEY LAUGH Ha.
That woman's completely mad.
Completely barking.
Michael, I'm yet to see you smiling.
Forget about laughing.
So let's see.
OK, everybody? One, two, three, go! THEY LAUGH 'I eventually realised the only way I could wake up from this nightmare 'was to give them want they wanted.
' So, I gave them a smile.
I mean, it wasn't, obviously, a real smile.
But at least it shut them all up.
Obviously, I knew the smile was fake.
I knew it was fake because the minute they turned their backs on him, he went back to looking like he'd just let out a wet fart.
THEY LAUGH We got a smile! CHEERING HE MUTTERS And we've all kept in touch, haven't we, father? Noel, I want to talk to you about your tour.
You're on tour at the moment.
Yeah.
The tour's about hitting 40 and how you're coping with that.
There's about two minutes about that and then I get bored.
It becomes about something else.
I pretend to be a half-man, half-chicken for about ten minutes.
There's a scene where my wife is having an affair with a triangle.
The second half, I get kidnapped from my own show and I play a New York cop who interrogates the audience.
It's kind of mainstream.
Michael McIntyre country, really.
I had to ring McIntyre and make sure we weren't doing the same jokes.
But I do love stand up.
I hadn't done stand up for a while, cos I had done The Mighty Boosh and lots of telly.
Going back to stand-up, I really started enjoying it.
And is Andy Murray in the show? Yeah, Andy Murray IS in the show.
That's real? He's actually in it? He is, yeah.
I do a Scottish accent in one bit, where I tell this story, and I'm not very good at Scottish accents, but I can, sort of, do an Andy Murray impression.
You're only Scottish accent is Andy Murray? AS ANDY MURRAY: It was a really tough match.
LAUGHTER AS ANDY MURRAY: I thought Djokovic played really well.
NORMAL: I can sort of do Andy Murray and then he turns up in the show, in a psychedelic sequence.
He says "Noel's wife is getting off with a triangle.
" That's his line.
But he does it so brilliantly.
He sort of goes, AS ANDY MURRAY: Noel's wife's getting off with a triangle.
NORMAL: And doesn't look sure about why he's saying it.
Going back to you hitting 40, I don't want to probe too much, but how are you finding it? Cos I still always think of you as a young man.
Peter Pan.
You are Peter Pan.
I'm dressed as Peter Pan.
Lots of weird things have happened to me.
I've started walking with my hands behind my back, like Prince Charles.
Cos I find it more comfortable.
Really? Is that something you do when you get older? Yeah! I'm liking it.
Can you show us this walk? It's just ridiculous.
I've just started.
I didn't realise I'd started walking like this.
POSH VOICE: "Yes, what a wonderful structure "Saint Paul's is looking marvellous.
" Last time I walked like this, I was being led to a cell for smoking weed.
I was 14.
"My mum's going to kill me.
" John, we have a Coalition at the moment that seems a bit like an unhappy marriage.
But you had the original.
You had Brown and Blair.
There's the happy couple.
I know, from personal experience, how hard it can be at home when Mummy and Daddy aren't getting along.
John, what it was like when Brown and Blair were feuding? Well, they're two great guys, frankly.
I've always believed that.
But when they get scrapping about some particular party, I'd offer them to come over to my place and we'll have a meal and we'll chat it through and find an agreement.
And there was this one occasion, one of the first ones they came to, when we were arguing about something.
I got the deal set out, the meal was there, and Gordon Brown said, "This chair's too low.
" He's a miserable bugger at times.
I said, "Well, my waiter experience of ten years, "I'll be able to get you a higher chair.
" So I came along, put the chair down, turned to Tony and I said, "Do you want a higher chair?" He said, "No, I'm used to Gordon looking down on me.
" LAUGHTER And that was the start of the negotiations, but you just get on with the job.
Push comes to shove, though, Team Tony, Team Gordon, who would you pick? Labour.
Oh! Politician's answer.
That was a good one.
No, come on, seriously.
It is Labour.
I tried to keep Team Labour.
I think they were making a tremendous contribution to it, working together was our advantage.
The more and more there were disagreements, it became more difficult.
Don't make me go Paxman on you, John.
I've got your knackers in my hand - Team Gordon, Team Tony.
I'm going, I'm not taking any more bloody questions.
No! I genuinely believed that, for a second.
And was really, really worried.
I thought I was going to get a left jab.
LAUGHTER Noel, you are similar to me in that you have your family in your shows.
Yeah, sometimes, yeah.
My mum and dad were in my last TV show.
My mum played a half-woman, half-anteater.
And then my dad played Chris de Burgh.
Really? In The Mighty Boosh.
Amazing.
He nailed it, actually.
I'd be wary of that.
You think they're great and then, "Let's do a show together.
" Just think it through, is all I'm saying.
LAUGHTER John, was your father always supportive of you when you were a young chap? I was the eldest of four children and the 11-plus was coming up.
Which we were then promised whoever passed the 11-plus would get a bike.
It was one of those army surplus bikes.
It was about 1953, after the war.
Yeah.
And I failed.
So I didn't get the bike.
But my sister did.
So, you never got your bike? No.
That's why I went to a Jagger.
Bought a Jaguar instead? Yeah.
That's very sad.
It is, in a way.
The 11-plus used to split you up.
I was going out with a girl at the time and then she went to went to the high school, I failed and went to the secondary modern.
So, I wrote a letter to her, expressing my love for her.
She sent it back, with all the spelling mistakes corrected.
John, these are tragic tales.
I thought I was expressing myself.
I bet she got her bike.
You'd have to be in the front, in a basket, like ET.
LAUGHTER Noel, what were you like at school? I was good at art and English.
That doesn't surprise me.
I was really good at painting when I was really young, freakishly.
Like, three or four, I could start painting.
My father is a very keen art collector and I thought we could maybe show you.
So, this is Noel's This is one of my paintings, yeah.
Would that fit into your collection of 20th century British watercolours? I wouldn't say it absolutely hits the bull's-eye for my kind of art.
But it's interesting.
I heard you were an art collector.
Yes.
I paint pictures on bin bags, records and plates.
And so, I painted you a plate.
I painted you a Cyclops.
Oh.
I know you won't like it and when you get home you'll go, "We are not putting that up in our house.
" So, I put it to you and Jack and Jack can keep it, I'm sure.
Thank you very much.
Love that a lot.
I think this is a fitting time to wrap things up this evening.
But before we do, luckily - we don't normally do this - but me and Father decided to get you both presents for coming onto the show.
So, Daddy, you were in charge of getting a gift for Noel.
I was.
He's given you a lovely plate.
What's this? That's my tailor's card.
LAUGHTER If you give him a ring he'll make something up nicely for you.
Something along This, sort of, you know, three-piece.
And, John, this evening, I have got you a gift to make you smile.
So, let's bring on my gift for Mr John Prescott.
I don't know whether you can guess what it is.
Boris Johnson didn't send it, did he? That's remarkable.
You can unwrap it.
Now, do you want to help unwrap? Mine wasn't even wrapped up.
Can you help unwrap? Wow.
It's a gift for you.
So, there it is.
You know this will allow me to go into the bus lanes, where cars can't go.
It's all yours, John.
For 30 minutes.
LAUGHTER And then it will start charging your credit card.
Ladies and gentlemen as John tucks in to his wonderful present, I want to thank my wonderful guests, Noel Fielding and John Prescott.
And, of course, my father, Michael Whitehall.
I'll see you all next week!
Hey.
I've got you some wardrobe options.
What's that? Well, Noel Fielding is on the show, and he always wears quite jazzy clothes.
I've got my suit, I don't need any more wardrobe.
Yeah, but Why don't you wear it? No, no, I thought it would be good if we "Noelled" you up a bit.
Bear with me What are these? They're hats.
We're making a chat show here.
OK? Not Brokeback Mountain.
What's wrong with sequins? I'm not wearing a truss, that's for sure.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Backchat.
Put on your ear defenders, lock up your dogs and prepare for fireworks because on the show, we have an explosively eclectic line-up.
The bizarre, but always hilarious, Glam-Goth Prince of Comedy, Noel Fielding, is joined on this sofa by ardent trade unionist and former MP for Hull East, John Prescott.
Yeah.
And what's that I hear you ask? Where's that smell of gin, talcum powder and mild xenophobia emanating from? Why, it's my co-host, of course.
Yes, it's my far right-hand man.
A guy so Tory, he'd happily dismantle the NHS brick by brick and use them to build a bigger swimming pool for his Bupa clinic.
My father, Michael Whitehall.
Let's hope the jokes get better this time.
It's true, you are very, very Tory.
My father is so Tory that, when I was a kid, he bought me a model railway set but wouldn't let me play with it until I'd privatised it.
So Tory that he cancelled Christmas dinner, cos he refused to be governed by Brussels.
How about those two? Relatively funny.
At least I'm Tory.
At least I made a decision, not like you, all sort of namby-pamby.
"Lib-Dem or Greens "What I am?" And all that.
I've made my decision as to which way I'm going to go in the run-up to the election.
I want to know about all different sides.
OK, so on this evening's show, we have John Prescott.
The wonderful John Prescott, one of the biggest characters in politics and the former Deputy Prime Minister in Britain's most successful and popular post-war government.
ONE LONE CHEER Wow! I'm sure he's going to feel really loved when he comes out.
Well, I've been upstaged by a member of the audience now.
I was going to say, what about the Iraq War? What about the fact they spent all the money? What about the fact they brought in a winter fuel allowance for pensioners? They're your guardian angels, in many ways, Father.
I want you to be nice to John when he comes on, please.
Well, I hope his one fan will be nice to him.
The tabloids famously nicknamed John "Two Jags", because he had two Jaguars.
It's a bit unfair, isn't it, Daddy? Or should I call you "One Mercedes-Benz "and a mobility scooter for short trips"? Also on the show tonight is the brilliant Noel Fielding.
SQUEALING Wow! Noel says he doesn't like people who claim that he must have been on drugs to create his show.
There's nothing wrong with being on drugs whilst creating a show.
For example, before we came out here tonight, my dad dropped three pills - two for angina, one for gout.
Let's bring out some guests.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you please give a warm What are you doing? What? What are you doing? Nothing really.
What are they? What do you mean? Why have you got cue cards? You've never had cue cards in any show that we've ever done.
They're just things I've jotted down.
What things? They're just some questions.
Questions for whom? For John Prescott.
Show me the questions? No.
You're not going to I want to see the questions! You're not going to have them.
Give me the question.
No.
Give me Just go and sit down! Go on.
Sit! I've got questions that I want to ask him and they're written on these cards.
You sit down and get on with the show.
All right? Whoooooo! I haven't got many, look.
I don't want you ambushing him with stupid questions.
No, I will ask him in a nice way.
This is a light entertainment show.
This isn't Newsnight.
No.
Well, you can tell it's not Newsnight.
Look at you! You are no Jeremy Paxman.
Right, shall be get on with this now? Ladies and gentlemen, will you please give a warm welcome to a pair that quite frankly it amazes me we haven't seen more of together.
John Prescott and Noel Fielding.
SCREAMING LOUD SCREAMING I think it's clear we've got a few John Prescott fans in the house.
Who's that guy who shouted out about me? Where is he? Put your hand up! Ohhh, see you after.
Your Prescott groupie is over there.
Thank you so much for coming onto the show.
I'm glad we dodged the bullet of you wearing the same thing.
I can't believe you didn't get the Venus fly trap onesie memo that I sent.
This is a long shot.
Have your paths intercepted before? Erm, yeah, we do salsa lessons together.
I think the answer is no.
He seems all right, just the gear he's got.
He couldn't walk in the House of Lords like that, could he? Hey You do have a big red gown! You wear some pretty big clobber.
You are now a member of the House of Lords, John.
What's the correct protocol as to how we should refer to you? Is it Lord Prescott, the Right Honourable? You get all these titles.
I like to be called John.
One of them is Baron.
Can you imagine being called Baron at Christmas time when they're usually in pantomime? So, we just call you John? Yeah, just ordinary John.
How do find being in the House of Lords, cos it doesn't strike me as a very John Prescott kind of place? Is it quite stuffy? I suppose it could be, it depends what you do yourself.
I continue with what I'd do with climate change, which I've been negotiating since 1997.
So, I have at least a political foot in the place that means I can still do the things that I wouldn't have been able to do if I wasn't in the political Either the Lords or the Commons.
So, it gives me that.
That's such a politicians' answer.
I didn't understand any of it.
About halfway through, I started thinking about ice cream.
Mr PrescottJohn.
"You are now a Baron, even though, in 2008, you categorically stated "that you were against what you described as flunkery and titles.
"What changed your mind? "I put it to you, it was because you were offered flunkery "and titles and found them irresistible!" Firstly, I said I was against an elected House of Lords.
I still am.
I'm in it.
It allows me to politically operate.
Is that all right, those two or three words? I got that.
It allows me to politically operate on things that I wouldn't be able to do if I was outside Parliament.
It's not an interrogation.
This is a friendly chat show and that's why I don't let you ask questions.
I just had a couple.
"I put it to you!" John, I want to ask you about the Labour Party.
We've got an election on the horizon.
Do you think your beloved Labour Party is in good shape? It could be in better shape and I think it's working to it.
It seemed that they've got to get over to people and convince them.
Don't run Ed as a president, you won't win.
Run as a party, so people can understand what we stand for and what our values are.
Yeah.
I know it's unfair to just talk about the punching, but it was an amazing moment.
Shall we just remind ourselves, for those of the audience that haven't maybe seen it recently, the moment John Prescott punched his way into the nation's hearts.
SHOUTING OK, I'm just going to move up the sofa for a little bit.
Do you've any regrets about the incident? Nope.
What? You saw red and it was just? I've gone past this guy who's waiting there with the egg and then he hits you with it.
He's been holding it.
All you feel is warm liquid running down your neck.
Now, what do you think it is? I didn't analyse it, I just went in Straight in.
.
.
and exchanged a different point of view.
How did the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, your boss at the time, how did he respond to you punching a man? Well, it happened, he was going into television studios with Dimbleby.
Alastair was with him.
He came out of the studios and said, "Thank God that's over.
"We can't have a day as bad as that.
Nothing else can happen.
" To which Alastair said, "Prescott's just thumped a fellow in Wales.
" He said, "You mean the fellow thumped John?" "No, no.
" Then, his concern was, "Did anybody see it?" "Live on television.
" So, he obviously rung me and said, "Why?" I said I just disagreed with the fellow, he'd thumped me.
He said, "Yes, but in those circumstances, why did you do it?" "I was carrying out your orders.
" He said, "What do you mean?" "You told us to connect with the electorate, so I did.
" That's amazing.
Noel, I want to talk to you about politics, because a lot of comedians are getting involved in politics, Eddie Izzard, Russell Brand, Boris Johnson, all they're all giving it a go.
Would you ever consider going into politics or like, getting involved? It's, sort of, the total opposite end of the spectrum, isn't it? It's very serious.
And what we do is very silly.
So, it's hard to take comedians seriously when they want to have their say.
Erm, Eddie Izzard maybe.
Because you're mates with Russell, what do you think when heyou know? I think the thing about Russell is he does appeal to a specific group of young people in a way that politicians don't.
That's the important thing, they do listen to him.
Politicians would die to have that young audience, because that's the audience that seemed to be disinterested.
I think it's quite important to at least get a dialogue going, get someone like Russell who's quite explosive in there, having his say.
I'm not sure I agree with not voting, I think that's a bit weird.
John, why do you think so many young people are apathetic towards politics at the moment? They didn't seem to be in Scotland.
They did turn out.
Provided the politics is perhaps what they believe in, and think that you're telling them is what you believe in, there's an important part about trust here.
And that's what we have got to really get over to young people.
And that's why we must convince them it's important for them to play a part, and getting the politician to recognise the importance of it.
If we get younger people involved, and they egg you, it'll probably be a Kinder Egg.
LAUGHTER Quite soft and you get a little treat inside.
Mr Prescott you've presumably had many regrets from your time in office.
But surely one thing you must be especially ashamed of was the introduction of that ridiculous bus lane at the London end of the M4.
You drive a car.
Do you use buses? Do you use your bus pass? LAUGHTER When I introduced the congestion charge in London, the idea was to reduce the amount of vehicles and make sure the money from the congestion charge could only go to improve public transport.
And now, we know the congestion's still great, but it has reduced it.
There are less accidents, less deaths.
Sounds like a sensible policy to me.
Doesn't it to you? Yeah, sister.
The priority was given to public transport here Shall we go? But also taxis, which were not public, unless you were calling taxis public transport.
They are public .
.
pay ã50 or ã60 to hire them.
They are public transport.
.
.
person staggering along the street, trying to hail a taxi LAUGHTER Taxi! CHEERING Just let us know when you're finished.
We're finished! Point's made.
Point's made? Right, OK, we can carry on with the show.
He's just a selfish motorist.
Give me the cards.
You're not asking John any more.
You're not asking John about weapons of mass destruction! This is a light entertainment show! I don't believe you've done that.
I wanted more.
Right.
I like your socks.
Mr Prescott LAUGHTER .
.
can you even begin to explain why your government thought it was sensible to sell our gold reserves? Right, let's talk about relationships, John.
Yeah.
I want to talk about your lovely wife, Pauline.
You've been married for 53 years.
Aw, look at you.
APPLAUSE Tell me about how your proposed to her, cos it's an amazing story.
Well, I used to be a commis chef and the hotel I was in, in Warrington, was going to put on a do for us for the engagement.
And I didn't want to go in there and, you know, get on your knees and put the ring, so we did it in a toilet on the British Rail train.
What? Well, it was private there.
The coach was all full.
So I suggested, "We'll do it in there.
" And I gave her the ring.
LAUGHTER We've been happy ever since.
A few bits of problems on the way, but, you know.
As marriages go.
How long have you been married? Oh, not.
Not married yet.
What is your situation? LAUGHTER Um, I'mwith a girl.
Lady.
He calls me his lady.
LAUGHTER Stop it.
Now, every week my father and I will be taking part in an activity, in the hope that it will help us bond as a father and son.
This week I booked us into a session of something called "laughter yoga", to see if this new-age experimental laughter therapy might help raise a titter from a man who hasn't smiled since Labour picked the wrong Miliband brother.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER INSIDE ALL: Oooh! LAUGHTER CONTINUES Ghastly.
Have you been in there? It's like a lunatic asylum in there.
It's not.
These people screaming, waving their arms all over the place.
It's laughter yoga.
Cos you know the way you don't laugh ever? This is about helping you laugh.
What do you mean, I don't laugh? I do laugh.
You've never laughed at anything.
This is all about your show, isn't it? That I don't laugh when I come to see your shows? Probably.
Yeah.
Maybe yeah, a bit.
They're not funny.
But that's because you're not comfortable in yourself and you don't laugh enough.
I'm perfectly comfortable in myself.
You're not.
Let's just give it a go.
It's laughter yoga.
I think it's a complete waste of time.
It's going to be really fun.
Please come and join us.
Hi.
So, this is a laughter play shop.
What we're going to be doing is improvised games.
And then, kind of, see whether we lighten up a bit.
So, we're going to start with what is called a name game.
We're going to go this way and everybody will say their name and everybody else's name beforehand.
So, my name is Kneehat.
Knee and hat.
OK.
Kneehat.
Guy.
Kneehat, Guy, Jerome.
Kneehat, Guy, Jerome, Eva.
Kneehat, Guy, Jerome, Eva.
And your name.
And my name is Michael Whitehall.
LAUGHTER 'They were absolutely lovely people and Kneehat, the instructor,' was brilliant.
He was the definition of a barrel of laughs.
Jack.
Guy.
You.
LAUGHTER You have to say their name.
What? You can't just say "you.
" I don't know The whole point is The whole point is that you've learned the names.
I didn't learn their names.
Why would I know their names? They were a classic audience for Jack because they were in hysterics before he even spoke.
And that, for him, would be a perfect audience.
Have a short talk in gibberish.
Like this: HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH OK, let's do it.
THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH How do you do? 'There were actually moments where I felt' that I was an extra in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
THEY CHAN THEY CHEER THEY LAUGH 'The problem is, my father's just not a very happy person.
' His face at rest is the face of a man whose bollocks have just hit a hot bath.
LAUGHTER HE MUTTERS Ha.
Haw! I'm beginning to get the hang of what's going on here.
THEY LAUGH Ha.
That woman's completely mad.
Completely barking.
Michael, I'm yet to see you smiling.
Forget about laughing.
So let's see.
OK, everybody? One, two, three, go! THEY LAUGH 'I eventually realised the only way I could wake up from this nightmare 'was to give them want they wanted.
' So, I gave them a smile.
I mean, it wasn't, obviously, a real smile.
But at least it shut them all up.
Obviously, I knew the smile was fake.
I knew it was fake because the minute they turned their backs on him, he went back to looking like he'd just let out a wet fart.
THEY LAUGH We got a smile! CHEERING HE MUTTERS And we've all kept in touch, haven't we, father? Noel, I want to talk to you about your tour.
You're on tour at the moment.
Yeah.
The tour's about hitting 40 and how you're coping with that.
There's about two minutes about that and then I get bored.
It becomes about something else.
I pretend to be a half-man, half-chicken for about ten minutes.
There's a scene where my wife is having an affair with a triangle.
The second half, I get kidnapped from my own show and I play a New York cop who interrogates the audience.
It's kind of mainstream.
Michael McIntyre country, really.
I had to ring McIntyre and make sure we weren't doing the same jokes.
But I do love stand up.
I hadn't done stand up for a while, cos I had done The Mighty Boosh and lots of telly.
Going back to stand-up, I really started enjoying it.
And is Andy Murray in the show? Yeah, Andy Murray IS in the show.
That's real? He's actually in it? He is, yeah.
I do a Scottish accent in one bit, where I tell this story, and I'm not very good at Scottish accents, but I can, sort of, do an Andy Murray impression.
You're only Scottish accent is Andy Murray? AS ANDY MURRAY: It was a really tough match.
LAUGHTER AS ANDY MURRAY: I thought Djokovic played really well.
NORMAL: I can sort of do Andy Murray and then he turns up in the show, in a psychedelic sequence.
He says "Noel's wife is getting off with a triangle.
" That's his line.
But he does it so brilliantly.
He sort of goes, AS ANDY MURRAY: Noel's wife's getting off with a triangle.
NORMAL: And doesn't look sure about why he's saying it.
Going back to you hitting 40, I don't want to probe too much, but how are you finding it? Cos I still always think of you as a young man.
Peter Pan.
You are Peter Pan.
I'm dressed as Peter Pan.
Lots of weird things have happened to me.
I've started walking with my hands behind my back, like Prince Charles.
Cos I find it more comfortable.
Really? Is that something you do when you get older? Yeah! I'm liking it.
Can you show us this walk? It's just ridiculous.
I've just started.
I didn't realise I'd started walking like this.
POSH VOICE: "Yes, what a wonderful structure "Saint Paul's is looking marvellous.
" Last time I walked like this, I was being led to a cell for smoking weed.
I was 14.
"My mum's going to kill me.
" John, we have a Coalition at the moment that seems a bit like an unhappy marriage.
But you had the original.
You had Brown and Blair.
There's the happy couple.
I know, from personal experience, how hard it can be at home when Mummy and Daddy aren't getting along.
John, what it was like when Brown and Blair were feuding? Well, they're two great guys, frankly.
I've always believed that.
But when they get scrapping about some particular party, I'd offer them to come over to my place and we'll have a meal and we'll chat it through and find an agreement.
And there was this one occasion, one of the first ones they came to, when we were arguing about something.
I got the deal set out, the meal was there, and Gordon Brown said, "This chair's too low.
" He's a miserable bugger at times.
I said, "Well, my waiter experience of ten years, "I'll be able to get you a higher chair.
" So I came along, put the chair down, turned to Tony and I said, "Do you want a higher chair?" He said, "No, I'm used to Gordon looking down on me.
" LAUGHTER And that was the start of the negotiations, but you just get on with the job.
Push comes to shove, though, Team Tony, Team Gordon, who would you pick? Labour.
Oh! Politician's answer.
That was a good one.
No, come on, seriously.
It is Labour.
I tried to keep Team Labour.
I think they were making a tremendous contribution to it, working together was our advantage.
The more and more there were disagreements, it became more difficult.
Don't make me go Paxman on you, John.
I've got your knackers in my hand - Team Gordon, Team Tony.
I'm going, I'm not taking any more bloody questions.
No! I genuinely believed that, for a second.
And was really, really worried.
I thought I was going to get a left jab.
LAUGHTER Noel, you are similar to me in that you have your family in your shows.
Yeah, sometimes, yeah.
My mum and dad were in my last TV show.
My mum played a half-woman, half-anteater.
And then my dad played Chris de Burgh.
Really? In The Mighty Boosh.
Amazing.
He nailed it, actually.
I'd be wary of that.
You think they're great and then, "Let's do a show together.
" Just think it through, is all I'm saying.
LAUGHTER John, was your father always supportive of you when you were a young chap? I was the eldest of four children and the 11-plus was coming up.
Which we were then promised whoever passed the 11-plus would get a bike.
It was one of those army surplus bikes.
It was about 1953, after the war.
Yeah.
And I failed.
So I didn't get the bike.
But my sister did.
So, you never got your bike? No.
That's why I went to a Jagger.
Bought a Jaguar instead? Yeah.
That's very sad.
It is, in a way.
The 11-plus used to split you up.
I was going out with a girl at the time and then she went to went to the high school, I failed and went to the secondary modern.
So, I wrote a letter to her, expressing my love for her.
She sent it back, with all the spelling mistakes corrected.
John, these are tragic tales.
I thought I was expressing myself.
I bet she got her bike.
You'd have to be in the front, in a basket, like ET.
LAUGHTER Noel, what were you like at school? I was good at art and English.
That doesn't surprise me.
I was really good at painting when I was really young, freakishly.
Like, three or four, I could start painting.
My father is a very keen art collector and I thought we could maybe show you.
So, this is Noel's This is one of my paintings, yeah.
Would that fit into your collection of 20th century British watercolours? I wouldn't say it absolutely hits the bull's-eye for my kind of art.
But it's interesting.
I heard you were an art collector.
Yes.
I paint pictures on bin bags, records and plates.
And so, I painted you a plate.
I painted you a Cyclops.
Oh.
I know you won't like it and when you get home you'll go, "We are not putting that up in our house.
" So, I put it to you and Jack and Jack can keep it, I'm sure.
Thank you very much.
Love that a lot.
I think this is a fitting time to wrap things up this evening.
But before we do, luckily - we don't normally do this - but me and Father decided to get you both presents for coming onto the show.
So, Daddy, you were in charge of getting a gift for Noel.
I was.
He's given you a lovely plate.
What's this? That's my tailor's card.
LAUGHTER If you give him a ring he'll make something up nicely for you.
Something along This, sort of, you know, three-piece.
And, John, this evening, I have got you a gift to make you smile.
So, let's bring on my gift for Mr John Prescott.
I don't know whether you can guess what it is.
Boris Johnson didn't send it, did he? That's remarkable.
You can unwrap it.
Now, do you want to help unwrap? Mine wasn't even wrapped up.
Can you help unwrap? Wow.
It's a gift for you.
So, there it is.
You know this will allow me to go into the bus lanes, where cars can't go.
It's all yours, John.
For 30 minutes.
LAUGHTER And then it will start charging your credit card.
Ladies and gentlemen as John tucks in to his wonderful present, I want to thank my wonderful guests, Noel Fielding and John Prescott.
And, of course, my father, Michael Whitehall.
I'll see you all next week!