Backpackers (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

- Last time on Backpackers - This all started a month ago.
I'm sitting in a bar with my fiancée.
We had only ever been - with each other our whole lives.
- We're doomed.
Statistically, there's a very good chance that our marriage is going to end in divorce.
We've been together since freshman year.
Look at us! We're doing great! I'm sure those people think they're doing great too, - and look at them! - We won't end up like them! - Those people are garbage! - We need to make a deal.
We needed to experience life, sex and adventure with other people, so we made this deal.
Oh, my God! We would spend the two weeks leading up to our wedding backpacking through Europe separately.
It's much smaller in the Argh! I like to think of myself as kind of Coach Brandon.
I'm here to get this guy laid.
Free to do whatever or whoever we want without any communication or sharing of travel plans.
To live the crazy life without regret, - to have one last “ha-ha”? - They can't communicate, - they don't share travel plans - I'm fine with that.
That way, when we meet up at the end, to get married, we'll be sure that we're the ones for each other.
This deal is the only way to save our future marriage.
At least, that was the plan.
I'm out there making out with one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life and all I can think about is other guys banging my finance - and I'm just I'm losing it.
- No ,no , you can not think about that! - You gotta keep it in the moment.
- The deal is off, man.
We gotta find Beth.
We gotta tell her before it's too late! Why do you think Beth is at the Italian coast? Her itinerary was out on the kitchenette.
Stuck a pick.
hostel in Amalfi.
Can we hitch a ride with you guys? She's gone, man! She could be anywhere in all of Europe.
Shipwrecked.
Crashed on the shores of Europe.
Beautiful shores maybe, but their majesty is lost on me.
All I can focus on is the fact that Beth is out there somewhere.
Boom! Finished! Oh, for Pete's sake! Man, I feel better! What's up, Dude? Want to get some gelato? Italy! It's a very special place for me, Ryan.
You see, Italian cinema had a major influence on me growing up.
Boobs, butts, full frontal, gorgeous women And after quite a bit of study, I learned the messages of those films and that is that passion is hard to sustain over time and a gorgeous, older woman can stir the desires of adolescent boys.
When you're done pontificating, could we think - of ways to find Beth, please? - I prefer to think of it as musing.
Why don't you just call Beth's parents? That's a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? She'll be checking in.
I think they have her itinerary.
- They know about the deal? - No.
They think we're competing to see who can go to the most museums.
Where's my phone? I've been pick-pocketed, man! Okay Man, your phone is a piece of junk.
I feel sorry for the man who took it.
Rude.
- Brandon! - Randall.
Ryan? Aren't you meant to be busy being a loser in Europe? I am I mean, I'm not! Just put your parents on the phone.
They're out, ding-a-ling.
Today's Salsa class.
Trying to keep the fire burning - and all that horse - Okay, okay.
Just I need you to do something for me and it's really important.
Important, huh? Like life and death? I need you to find out where your sister is, okay? Just look around for an itinerary, maybe on the fridge - Whoa, whoa, Ry - Hole! I'm not looking for anything - until we settle on a fee.
- A fee? - Little bastard! - Price just went up.
- Damn it, Randall! - Oh, it's climbing.
Okay, okay.
Um How's, ah, fifty bucks? Pfft! I want something of real value.
I want a photo of some real boobs.
This idiot wants topless photos.
Where the hell are we gonna get that? You want nudie shots? It's called the Internet, Buddy.
Brandon, this is your little disciple here.
I look up to you as a master, sensei, wise old sage.
Enough flattery.
Give me your demands.
Good boobs.
And legitimately taken by you, so I want one of you in the photo to prove it's real.
And you heard me say good boobs, right? - Yeah, yeah, I got it, kid.
- Dummy says what? What? This is ridiculous! I refuse to cater to the demands - of a delinquent child! - Dude, chill! This mission is a cinch.
We're going to hit the topless beach, we're going to take some photos We're good! You know, just because girls are topless doesn't mean they're crazy about guys taking photos.
We've got charm, buddy.
Don't worry! We'll convince them.
Yeah Whoa! Ah! Is there a swim meet that I don't know about, or? Dude, this is how European guys roll.
I mean, look at you.
You gonna go play some ultimate Frisbee with a guy named Gunner - in those bad boys? - Maybe.
Or maybe I'm just about to completely out-Euro your ass.
- I don't see that happening.
- Oh, no? - No, I just don't.
- Well, watch me go, buddy.
- I'm going to go change because I just got out -Euro'd.
Well, hold on.
Don't go change.
- You look fantastic! - Thanks, buddy.
- You look pretty good yourself.
- Yeah? - Ciao, bella! - Ciao.
These girls, right now Let's do this.
Alright, buddy.
You do the honours.
You get over there and you rub this lotion all over those bodies.
I want to.
I do, believe me.
But I can't do the lotion, because then everybody is going to see Oh, man! Don't you have any self-control? Usually, yes.
Not today, okay? I've I gotta go to the ocean, man, I Give me that lotion.
Okay So, uh ladies.
Maybe after I'm done doing this favour for you you could help my friend and I out with, uh a little Brandon, where are you going? Brandon! Where? Uh excuse me.
Brandon! Hello nurse! Dude, that's Isabella Cucinotta, the screen siren of my childhood dreams.
Wait, what about the photo? Ms.
Cucinotta? Hi.
I don't I don't want to bug you or anything, but I You're like, my favourite childhood movie star from Italy.
I thought about you all the time when I was in my bed I had my TV and I would watch you from my bed and I'd think about you.
- What my friend is You taught me about - What my friend is trying -sex and What my friend is trying to say is that he really appreciates your work, very much.
Come with me.
I live by the beach.
I always love to get intimate with my fans.
- Here.
- Oh Thank you.
And here.
So, Miss Cucinotta, why don't you make movies anymore? - Uh My ex -husband.
A controlling film director who married me for my career just to take it from me.
Oh But why am I talking about him while I'm here with two young handsome gentleman? Meow.
Meow.
- Meow? - Meow.
Meow! Argh! Want a little milk, little kitty? Oh! Oh, yeah.
Hold on a second.
I have a fantastic, sexy present.
I'll be right back.
I'm sure you'll both love it! Take off your sunglasses.
We're inside.
- No.
We're in Italy.
- What are you doing? Ugh! She brought us back here to have sex with us! Man, it's obvious.
It's obvious that she's insane.
- She just pretended to be a cat! - No, no! She's giving us all the signals, here, man.
Just trust me.
What? Even if that's true, I I can't do it! Look, she's the screen siren of mofchildhood dreams.
If you can't do this for yourself, at least do it for me.
I can't do this for anyone! But if we don't get a topless photo of her, then we'll never find Beth.
So no threesome? - Threesome's out.
- Fine.
No threesome.
But at least take your pants off.
You'll blow our cover.
Fine! I feel like an idiot.
Here is a pair of autographed photos that Why are you both naked? There's been a small misunderstanding.
Typical of men! They say they adore me and all they want is sex! - Still shipwrecked clinging to hope like a life raft floating - on a sea of despair.
Oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh! Beth She calls to me from distant shores - like the sirens of - Woo! - Did you get the photo? - Nah, she didn't go for it.
Meow.
No Beth and my hair looks stupid! I'm having such a bad hair day.
I'm sick of dark Ryan! Put on the headband! Make a wish.
- What did you wish for? - I can't tell you that! - It would ruin everything.
- You think I don't know? Picture of some boobs so Randall will tell you where Beth is.
- That's exactly right.
- Come on.
Wait, do I have to do a whole new wish now? - Did that reset it? - No! You're good.
Spaniardo! - I can't believe it's you! - I think you have the wrong guy.
Sign my breasts! My boyfriend will love it! He's a huge fan.
Well, I hate to disappoint a fan.
Ah, perhaps a photo - to immortalize the moment? - Yes, please.
I'll never wash my breasts again.
I don't think that's a good idea! Can I have a coin? - You sent the photo? - Sent it.
- Did you hear from the kid? - No.
- Do you want to call him? - Calling.
Brandon.
Randall.
How did you like them coconuts, poop-for-brains? I don't know why I asked for one of you to be in the photo.
Anyway, Beth's in Italy.
- Italy? Where in Italy? - What am I? Google maps? You do understand there's more than one place in Italy, right? You do understand I don't really care? Oh! I swear, if I wasn't marrying that kid's sister whoa! Wow.
It's bigger than I expected.
You'll only ever see something like this in Rome, my friend.
The manpower, the engineering this would take I mean, it's Ah! 65 Euros, gone.
- You spent 65 Euros on that? - Yeah.
Dude, seriously, you gotta cheer up! We're in Rome; the Coliseum.
This is awesome! You know what? You're right.
There's no way we can find Beth right now, anyway.
I may as well just enjoy the sights.
Historical, or otherwise.
Spaniardo! Spaniardo! - What's this guy doing? - Talking to you.
- Is it the shirt? - I don't know.
Here you are.
It's for you.
For the best football player - in the world! - Mm! Chocolate.
I'll have a Cappuccino flavour.
No.
For you, 80 Euro.
Oh! Oh, wow! Yes! Buongiorno.
Oh my God! I'm the biggest fan, man! I am Spaniardo.
Of course.
Photos.
Get a picture.
Go, go, go! Yeah.
Just take the picture! It's not that hard, yeah? He'll take a picture.
Good.
Did you get it? Did you get it? - Ole! Ole, ole, ole! - Great to meet you! Mwah! Mwah! There you go Oh! Well, there you go.
You got one.
- Thank you.
- Have a wonderful day! Una wonderful day.
- You're an idiot.
- That was pretty good.
I'm not sleeping in another park, man.
I can't do it.
I don't know what to tell you.
It's high season.
Everything's booked.
Spaniardo, Spaniardo! Your assistant forgot to call me.
I will have your room ready as soon as possible Brandino! I can't believe you.
You're the worst assistant I've ever had! Permisso.
Permisso, signore.
It will not happen again.
- Tonight I will beat you.
- Don't push it, Spaniardo.
Here we go! Our finest suite.
The best for you, Spaniardo! Ai, caramba! It will have to do.
Tengo una pregunta? Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Gracias muchacho! You speak Spanish? I used to date a Spanish chick.
I could get used to being the best soccer player in Europe.
What about Beth? You don't want to go find Beth right now? We don't even know where she is! I mean, we just got free gelato, we got a free hotel room I'm feeling pretty good.
Maybe the quest - can wait a couple hours.
- Look! I think you do kinda look like him.
I don't see it.
There's a couple girls over here that I think have seen you.
Spaniardo.
- Is that Spaniardo over there? - Is that Spaniardo? - Spaniardo! - Spaniardo! - Spaniardo! Oh! Scusi, scusi.
- Scusi.
we're having a party.
We want you to come.
Right? Elena? Spaniardo is in Rome.
Ladies, ladies, ladies! Thank you for coming.
Spend as much time here as you'd like; spend some time in my room, if you'd like.
If you want to spend the night I can't believe - I'm dancing with Spaniardo! - Spaniardo can't believe he's dancing with you.
He's even sexier in real life than he is in the tabloids.
You know, I get that all the time.
But does Spaniardo kiss as well as he kicks? Mm! He's a pro.
You better see for yourself.
I think you better try as well.
Yeah.
Ah! I think I smell a hat trick - in your future, Spaniardo! - Hey, buddy.
- Come dance with us, man! - No, no.
I don't dance, man.
What? Just this one time! We're having fun! No, no, no, no, no! But enjoy yourself, man! Spaniardo! Go, go! Ladies, Brandido is coming! Hey! Ladies, uh I have an idea.
I think you should all get my autograph and I have a great idea where I could sign my name.
- Really good idea.
- You filthy pig! There's been a misunderstanding.
I am not Spaniardo.
I can't even speak Spanish, let alone play soccer.
I Yeah, yeah, yeah Only you, Spaniardo, could be pathetic enough; making up such a lie! It's true! Ask me anything in Spanish! Listen to my perfect North American accent! It's typical Spaniardo, hm? Always bragging about your mastery of accents! What? It's the head band.
It's just the head band! That's I love Spaniardo.
He's a great guy, but I taught him everything he knows.
He doesn't know anything.
He wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for Brandino.
It may only have been one magical night, when you seduced me and you got me pregnant with your magnificently potent sperm One brief love-making session on a moving scooter - Oh - But damn it, Spaniardo I think I love you.
Aaah! Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, Woo! - Here's what's going to happen.
- Mm-hm.
We're moving back to Barcelona, where you will marry me and we will raise this baby together.
- Mm-hm.
- Or I will shoot you in the knees and you will never play football again! I never played football to begin with! Then I'll shoot you in the cojones so you'll never do this to another woman.
Let's do it.
Let's raise a baby.
Let's let's do it.
Great! Great.
I knew it! - Let's go then.
- Okay.
- My God - Spaniardo? Were you about to have sex with a pregnant woman? - Run! - Okay! Dude, look! Your problems are solved, man.
We found Beth! Is that Mitchell? Oh, no! Ryan!