Batman (1966) s01e01 Episode Script
Hi Diddle Riddle (1)
Thank you, dear peoples.
Thank you, everyone.
'Now in conclusion.
' On behalf of my country Moldavia, land of charm is such pleasure to unveil for you Moldavia's greatest national treasure behind me on platform.
But there is a small ceremony.
It's traditional Moldavian friendship cake, dear peoples.
Which I'll now chop for you in the name of.
.
Hey look! Look what shot from that cake.
"Why is an orange like a bell?" You know what this means, don't you? The Riddler.
Right, Chief O'Hara, The Riddler.
That infernal prince of puzzlers who's outwitted us a dozen times.
What about it, men? O'Hara? Inspector Basch? Any of you think you can handle him? I don't know who is behind that mask but I do know when we need him.
And we need him now.
I'll call him, sir.
We're in lucky, he's at home.
My resources are behind you in full.
You're a real champion, Mr.
Wayne.
- 'Indeed you are.
' - Don't mention it, Mr.
Harris.
'Perhaps, if there had been anti-crime centers' of the type you now propose when my own parents were murdered by dastardly criminals.
.
Yes, Alfred.
The Bat-phone, sir.
Forgive me, I'm just reminded I'd promised to take my young ward, Dick Grayson fishing.
If you'll excuse me.
It'll be a pleasure working with you, sir.
It's wonderful knowing you're behind this.
Oh, there you are, Dick.
Feel like a bit of fishing? Holy barracuda! You mean.
.
Sure, Bruce.
Why not? Sounds swell.
Doesn't it, Aunt Harriet? Yes, commissioner.
You'll never guess who's on the loose.
Your old arch enemy, The Riddler.
- Good heavens! - Him again? Can you come to headquarters right away? It'll be a pleasure, Commissioner Gordon.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Atomic batteries to power.
Turbines to speed.
Clear.
Ready to move out.
"Why is an orange like a bell?" Answer! Because they both must be peeled! Right.
You peel an orange and you peal a bell.
Get it? What idiots we are! Why couldn't we have worked that out? But what does it mean, though? Right, commissioner.
There's a problem.
We all know how this quizzical criminal operates.
He deliberately leaves clues to confound us.
Clues which may or may not lead to the real crime he's planning.
- The real crime? - Precisely, Inspector Basch.
The Riddler contrives his plots like artichokes.
You have to strip off spiny leaves to reach the heart.
But surely, Batman, there must be some sort of political plot against Moldavia.
- That exploding cake-- - A mere ruse, commissioner.
A clever device to make you call me in.
But why? Why would he want that? You're his deadly nemesis.
The Riddler's mind is twisted.
Crime's no fun for him unless it means outwitting us.
Robin's right.
He has this strange, artistic compulsion to.
.
Artistic.
That's it.
The meaning of the first clue.
The Peale Art Gallery.
Of course! It's a store house of priceless art treasures.
- Just The Riddler's meat.
- Call out your boys, chief.
Stakeout that Peale Art Gallery like you would a circus tent.
Yes, sir.
'Not so fast, men.
Wait.
' The Riddler's up to something tricky.
Better let us handle this.
It smells like a trap.
Let's mosey up the back way.
Batman speaking.
'This is a recording.
' 'Before you trip over your cape, Batman, riddle me this.
' 'There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes' 'but no matches.
' 'How do they manage to smoke, hm?' The Riddler.
What the heck's he trying to tell us? I don't know.
Let's go up and ask him.
Stand clear.
- You go first.
I'll anchor you.
- Roger.
Gosh, if I could just figure out that riddle.
Why can't I get it? Maybe your mind's on that cute little teenager who waved to you on the way across town.
Aw, come on, Batman.
Caught him red-handed.
Watch it, chump.
Pedestrian safety.
Oh, sure.
Sorry.
Hold it, Riddler.
The game's up, Riddler.
As a duly deputized agent of the law 'I place you under arrest for armed robbery.
' - Snap on the Bat-cuffs.
- You've got me, Batman.
What the.
.
It's too delicious.
I even gave you a tip-off.
Batman, you've made a mistake.
He didn't steal that cross.
What? I tell you, it belongs to him.
He lent it to me for a show.
But, Mr.
Peale, we saw him take it from you at gunpoint.
Gunpoint? Holy Ashtray! He did tip us off.
"There were three men in a boat "with four cigarettes and no matches.
How did they manage to smoke?" They threw one cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter.
You saw him giving me a light as I handed back his cross.
Out riddled! I thought you might be, Batman.
That's why I brought witnesses with cameras.
Ho-ho! What is it that no man wants to have yet no man wants to lose? A lawsuit.
Correct, Boy Wonder! How I've waited for this? It makes my whole life worthwhile.
After you've chewed over this for a while look for two more.
Adios, amigos.
See you in court.
'According to legal experts' 'the one million dollar lawsuit' 'filed this morning against Batman' for assault, slander and false arrest appears to have every chance of success.
'Causing even greater dismay in law enforcement circles' 'is the fact that Batman will undoubtedly' have to reveal his true identity in court.
- 'Once unmasked it is feared.
.
' - Dick.
Turn it off.
'no longer will the Caped Crusader' 'and his youthful aid be able to combat crime in Gotham City.
' Find anything? Looks black as pitch, Dick.
I've been through all my father's old law books.
.
I don't see we have a leg to stand on.
A million dollars.
It's not the money, Alfred.
It's the idea of it.
'My identity revealed.
' My value as a secret crime-fighter ended.
Everything I've trained myself for since my parents were murdered in the ashcan.
Gone.
Up the shoot.
Well, sir, I do hope something can be worked out.
If poor Mrs.
Cooper were to find out what Master Dick has been doing on these supposed fishing trips of yours.
.
Listen, Bruce.
I have an idea.
Yes.
Remember what the Riddler said when he slipped you this paper? '"When you chewed over this one, look for two others.
"' - What do you guess he meant? - Two other riddles, of course.
Exactly.
And where can we look? What do we have with us which The Riddler gave us? Great Scott, Dick! Could there be secret writing on this document? To the Bat-cave.
Look between the lines.
"When is the time of a clock like the whistle of a train?" When it's two to two.
- Too-too-too! - Right you are.
Here comes another one.
"What has neither flesh, bonenor nail yet has four fingers anda thumb?" - A glove, of course! - Could it be an address? I've got it.
You've done it again, chump.
Let's just hope we're not too late.
Meanwhile, in an abandoned subway toolroom deep under Gotham City the secret headquarters of the infamous Molehill Mob.
Watch them fish eggs, Molly.
They're full of calories.
You'll blow up like a balloon.
- Who cares? I'm hungry.
- I care.
Get fat, you won't be able to get through the manholes.
Then what use you'd be? Get up, stop that ridiculous bickering.
Batman's had time to solve the clue.
Hurry, into the tunnel.
What foul trickery are the fiendish Riddler and his evil Molehill Mob up to now? Odd, the new discotheque? What's The Riddler's game? Hold up the wealthy patrons? Could be.
It's a favorite haunt of high society.
Sorry, Batman.
I'm afraid the boy is underage.
It's the law.
Very odd.
This could be a plot to separate us.
I can take care of myself, Batman.
You go inside.
I'll pull into the lot and watch in the Bat-scope.
Alright.
Thanks, Robin will take it.
Gleeps! It's Batman.
Anything I can do for you, sir? Check your cape? Ringside table, Batman? Uh, just looking, thanks.
I'll stand at the bar.
I shouldn't wish to attract attention.
A large fresh orange juice, please.
Yes, sir.
Looking for a friend? Maybe you can help me.
I've got a problem.
Why is a quarrel like a bargain? Well, well.
What master taught you to riddle? The answer is it takes two to make it.
Like beautiful music, like the dance.
Shall we? Your orange juice, sir.
Batman special.
What's your name? Molly.
You interest me, strangely.
'I accept your invitation.
' You shake a pretty mean cape, Batman.
It's nothing, it's.
.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, I.
.
My, my drink.
.
Doped! I'll take the Batmobile too.
- What about Molly and me? - The manhole, stupid.
That thing's alive.
Every copper in town will see them fireworks.
Quickly, the kid.
Grab the kid.
If I can't take the dratted thing, I'llburn it up! Curses! This got more lives than a cat! Come on! Officers, out of my way.
They've got Robin.
Out of my way I said.
I've got to go after Robin.
Hand me the key, Batman.
You're in no condition to drive.
Yes, of course, Officer.
You're entirely correct.
Look.
The Bat-signal from the roof of City Hall.
The commissioner's trying to call Batman.
In his shape, kinder not tell him.
Where have they got Robin? Put him on a table and strap him down.
Mol.
Yes, doctor.
At last.
At last, Boy Wonder Robin.
At last, Boy Wonder Robin.
You and the Caped Crusader bothare set for the final bow.
Will Robin escape? Can Batman find him in time? Is this the ghastly end for our Dynamic Duo? Answers tomorrow night! Same time, same channel.
One hint the worst is yet to come.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman
Thank you, everyone.
'Now in conclusion.
' On behalf of my country Moldavia, land of charm is such pleasure to unveil for you Moldavia's greatest national treasure behind me on platform.
But there is a small ceremony.
It's traditional Moldavian friendship cake, dear peoples.
Which I'll now chop for you in the name of.
.
Hey look! Look what shot from that cake.
"Why is an orange like a bell?" You know what this means, don't you? The Riddler.
Right, Chief O'Hara, The Riddler.
That infernal prince of puzzlers who's outwitted us a dozen times.
What about it, men? O'Hara? Inspector Basch? Any of you think you can handle him? I don't know who is behind that mask but I do know when we need him.
And we need him now.
I'll call him, sir.
We're in lucky, he's at home.
My resources are behind you in full.
You're a real champion, Mr.
Wayne.
- 'Indeed you are.
' - Don't mention it, Mr.
Harris.
'Perhaps, if there had been anti-crime centers' of the type you now propose when my own parents were murdered by dastardly criminals.
.
Yes, Alfred.
The Bat-phone, sir.
Forgive me, I'm just reminded I'd promised to take my young ward, Dick Grayson fishing.
If you'll excuse me.
It'll be a pleasure working with you, sir.
It's wonderful knowing you're behind this.
Oh, there you are, Dick.
Feel like a bit of fishing? Holy barracuda! You mean.
.
Sure, Bruce.
Why not? Sounds swell.
Doesn't it, Aunt Harriet? Yes, commissioner.
You'll never guess who's on the loose.
Your old arch enemy, The Riddler.
- Good heavens! - Him again? Can you come to headquarters right away? It'll be a pleasure, Commissioner Gordon.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Atomic batteries to power.
Turbines to speed.
Clear.
Ready to move out.
"Why is an orange like a bell?" Answer! Because they both must be peeled! Right.
You peel an orange and you peal a bell.
Get it? What idiots we are! Why couldn't we have worked that out? But what does it mean, though? Right, commissioner.
There's a problem.
We all know how this quizzical criminal operates.
He deliberately leaves clues to confound us.
Clues which may or may not lead to the real crime he's planning.
- The real crime? - Precisely, Inspector Basch.
The Riddler contrives his plots like artichokes.
You have to strip off spiny leaves to reach the heart.
But surely, Batman, there must be some sort of political plot against Moldavia.
- That exploding cake-- - A mere ruse, commissioner.
A clever device to make you call me in.
But why? Why would he want that? You're his deadly nemesis.
The Riddler's mind is twisted.
Crime's no fun for him unless it means outwitting us.
Robin's right.
He has this strange, artistic compulsion to.
.
Artistic.
That's it.
The meaning of the first clue.
The Peale Art Gallery.
Of course! It's a store house of priceless art treasures.
- Just The Riddler's meat.
- Call out your boys, chief.
Stakeout that Peale Art Gallery like you would a circus tent.
Yes, sir.
'Not so fast, men.
Wait.
' The Riddler's up to something tricky.
Better let us handle this.
It smells like a trap.
Let's mosey up the back way.
Batman speaking.
'This is a recording.
' 'Before you trip over your cape, Batman, riddle me this.
' 'There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes' 'but no matches.
' 'How do they manage to smoke, hm?' The Riddler.
What the heck's he trying to tell us? I don't know.
Let's go up and ask him.
Stand clear.
- You go first.
I'll anchor you.
- Roger.
Gosh, if I could just figure out that riddle.
Why can't I get it? Maybe your mind's on that cute little teenager who waved to you on the way across town.
Aw, come on, Batman.
Caught him red-handed.
Watch it, chump.
Pedestrian safety.
Oh, sure.
Sorry.
Hold it, Riddler.
The game's up, Riddler.
As a duly deputized agent of the law 'I place you under arrest for armed robbery.
' - Snap on the Bat-cuffs.
- You've got me, Batman.
What the.
.
It's too delicious.
I even gave you a tip-off.
Batman, you've made a mistake.
He didn't steal that cross.
What? I tell you, it belongs to him.
He lent it to me for a show.
But, Mr.
Peale, we saw him take it from you at gunpoint.
Gunpoint? Holy Ashtray! He did tip us off.
"There were three men in a boat "with four cigarettes and no matches.
How did they manage to smoke?" They threw one cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter.
You saw him giving me a light as I handed back his cross.
Out riddled! I thought you might be, Batman.
That's why I brought witnesses with cameras.
Ho-ho! What is it that no man wants to have yet no man wants to lose? A lawsuit.
Correct, Boy Wonder! How I've waited for this? It makes my whole life worthwhile.
After you've chewed over this for a while look for two more.
Adios, amigos.
See you in court.
'According to legal experts' 'the one million dollar lawsuit' 'filed this morning against Batman' for assault, slander and false arrest appears to have every chance of success.
'Causing even greater dismay in law enforcement circles' 'is the fact that Batman will undoubtedly' have to reveal his true identity in court.
- 'Once unmasked it is feared.
.
' - Dick.
Turn it off.
'no longer will the Caped Crusader' 'and his youthful aid be able to combat crime in Gotham City.
' Find anything? Looks black as pitch, Dick.
I've been through all my father's old law books.
.
I don't see we have a leg to stand on.
A million dollars.
It's not the money, Alfred.
It's the idea of it.
'My identity revealed.
' My value as a secret crime-fighter ended.
Everything I've trained myself for since my parents were murdered in the ashcan.
Gone.
Up the shoot.
Well, sir, I do hope something can be worked out.
If poor Mrs.
Cooper were to find out what Master Dick has been doing on these supposed fishing trips of yours.
.
Listen, Bruce.
I have an idea.
Yes.
Remember what the Riddler said when he slipped you this paper? '"When you chewed over this one, look for two others.
"' - What do you guess he meant? - Two other riddles, of course.
Exactly.
And where can we look? What do we have with us which The Riddler gave us? Great Scott, Dick! Could there be secret writing on this document? To the Bat-cave.
Look between the lines.
"When is the time of a clock like the whistle of a train?" When it's two to two.
- Too-too-too! - Right you are.
Here comes another one.
"What has neither flesh, bonenor nail yet has four fingers anda thumb?" - A glove, of course! - Could it be an address? I've got it.
You've done it again, chump.
Let's just hope we're not too late.
Meanwhile, in an abandoned subway toolroom deep under Gotham City the secret headquarters of the infamous Molehill Mob.
Watch them fish eggs, Molly.
They're full of calories.
You'll blow up like a balloon.
- Who cares? I'm hungry.
- I care.
Get fat, you won't be able to get through the manholes.
Then what use you'd be? Get up, stop that ridiculous bickering.
Batman's had time to solve the clue.
Hurry, into the tunnel.
What foul trickery are the fiendish Riddler and his evil Molehill Mob up to now? Odd, the new discotheque? What's The Riddler's game? Hold up the wealthy patrons? Could be.
It's a favorite haunt of high society.
Sorry, Batman.
I'm afraid the boy is underage.
It's the law.
Very odd.
This could be a plot to separate us.
I can take care of myself, Batman.
You go inside.
I'll pull into the lot and watch in the Bat-scope.
Alright.
Thanks, Robin will take it.
Gleeps! It's Batman.
Anything I can do for you, sir? Check your cape? Ringside table, Batman? Uh, just looking, thanks.
I'll stand at the bar.
I shouldn't wish to attract attention.
A large fresh orange juice, please.
Yes, sir.
Looking for a friend? Maybe you can help me.
I've got a problem.
Why is a quarrel like a bargain? Well, well.
What master taught you to riddle? The answer is it takes two to make it.
Like beautiful music, like the dance.
Shall we? Your orange juice, sir.
Batman special.
What's your name? Molly.
You interest me, strangely.
'I accept your invitation.
' You shake a pretty mean cape, Batman.
It's nothing, it's.
.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, I.
.
My, my drink.
.
Doped! I'll take the Batmobile too.
- What about Molly and me? - The manhole, stupid.
That thing's alive.
Every copper in town will see them fireworks.
Quickly, the kid.
Grab the kid.
If I can't take the dratted thing, I'llburn it up! Curses! This got more lives than a cat! Come on! Officers, out of my way.
They've got Robin.
Out of my way I said.
I've got to go after Robin.
Hand me the key, Batman.
You're in no condition to drive.
Yes, of course, Officer.
You're entirely correct.
Look.
The Bat-signal from the roof of City Hall.
The commissioner's trying to call Batman.
In his shape, kinder not tell him.
Where have they got Robin? Put him on a table and strap him down.
Mol.
Yes, doctor.
At last.
At last, Boy Wonder Robin.
At last, Boy Wonder Robin.
You and the Caped Crusader bothare set for the final bow.
Will Robin escape? Can Batman find him in time? Is this the ghastly end for our Dynamic Duo? Answers tomorrow night! Same time, same channel.
One hint the worst is yet to come.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman