Batman (1966) s01e06 Episode Script
Batman is Riled (2)
Batman We have previously seen a prison ball game.
The Joker threw a curve.
.
and sprung himself.
Then a statue in the Comedians' Hall of Fame.
.
turned into the real thing.
Fabulous jewel collection.
.
saved by Batman and Robin.
Or was it? Batman used his head.
Were they doomed? A trick left.
Bat-gas.
But The Joker had a utility belt too.
He clowned around.
.
and was unmasked.
It was a gas.
No, only sneezing powder.
Gesundheit.
The Dynamic Duo was helpless.
The Joker decided to unmask them.
The worst is yet to come.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na Batman And now, my anonymous nemesis let's see who you are behind that mask of yours.
Oho! A twist! Fight water with fire.
The Joker, he's getting away! I'll get him.
You're trapped, Joker.
As a duly deputized agent of the lawI order you to surrender.
As the Clown Prince of Crime, I decline.
I hope this doesn't depress you.
It's time for you to sing a different tune my crooked clown.
Songs are for parties, my caped copper.
And so is confetti.
So why don't you join the fun? I'm sorry you can't join me, my helpless hero but I see you're tied up with other things.
Batman! Batman! Holy serpentine! What happened? This timeThe Joker gave the party.
Next time we'll hand out the door prizes.
Have Batman and Boy Wonder finally met their match? Will The Joker's utility belt prove their ultimate undoing? These are the questions all Gotham City is asking itself tonight.
Have Batman and Boy Wonder finally met their match? Will The Joker's utility belt prove their ultimate undoing? In a filmed interview at his office today 'Police Commissioner Gordon had answers to these questions.
' 'Commissioner Gordon, have Batman and Boy Wonder' finally met their match? Well, let me say this, Fred, II'd hate to think so.
Do you think The Joker's utility belt will prove their ultimate undoing? Heaven help us all if it does.
Uh, amen.
'Thus Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara' echo the sentiments of all Gotham City.
For even as that interview is being filmed criminals of every kind emboldened by the Dynamic Duo's seeming impotence 'were combining to create a crime wave' 'the likes of which Gotham City has seldom seen.
' In this hour of peril and need perhaps all our prayers are best summed up by my small son Harold, just eight years old.
Kneeling beside his little bed hands clasped reverently before him he said, "God bless mommy.
"God bless daddy.
God bless my dog Spot.
"And please, Batman, whoever you are behind that mask of yours please save us.
" Turn it off, Alfred.
Wait a minute.
'Hold that camera still.
' How do you focus this thing? No hard feelings, Freddie.
Places, everyone.
Ha ha ha.
- Let's race to the studio.
- No time for that now.
Look.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to "What's My Crime.
" It seems that your inept Dynamic Duo is having a little difficulty in figuring out 'just what my next crime will be.
' So I thought it only fair, under the circumstances to give them a little hint.
Ha ha ha.
Are you listening out there, Fatman and Boy Blunder? Ha ha.
Boy! How I'd like to top him with a punch line.
Quiet.
Listen.
His insane conceit may betray him.
Are your masks in place, panel? - 'Oh, yes.
' - Very well then.
Let the game commence.
Does this crime involve an article of clothing? Right! Like a belt maybe? Astonishing! Right again.
It involves a belt, but there's going to be a switch.
- A switch.
- An electric switch? Wrong, panel! A switch, but not electric.
As you doubtless know, every wrong answer means that we contribute one dollar 'to the famous Joker's Home For Worn Out Bats.
' - Ha ha ha.
- Hey, Joker.
Cop cars on the street.
Let's chase it.
Fatman and Boy Blunder.
.
are your blindfolds in place? Very well then, ask yourselves what is wrong with this sentence? He who laughs last, laughs good.
Holy grammar! Is that all? He who laughs last, laughs best, not good.
Best.
Best! Best! Do you suppose blindfold might have something to do with it? Uh, if I may venture an opinion, sir I think Master Dick may have put his finger on it.
- Blindfold? - Uh, no, sir.
Grammar.
The sentence was grammatically incorrect.
One does not laugh good, sir.
One laughs well.
Why, that's it, Alfred.
Laughs well.
Laughwell.
- Professor James J.
Laughwell.
- Holy safari! The one that just got back from Africa with a collection of rare masks and objects of art.
That's where the blindfold part would come in, sir.
And they're being stored at the Last Longer Warehouse.
To the Batmobile.
We'll use the Bat-rope and take them by surprise.
Stand clear.
No matter what, we mustn't fail this time, Robin.
Sometimes I think people expect too much of us, Batman.
They have a right to expect it.
But we're only human.
All too true.
We only have so much to give.
Try to explain that to little Harold kneeling beside his bed saying his prayers.
Stand and fight, Joker.
Let us away! Let us away! Holy Fourth of July! What's this? 'This was just the curtain-raiser.
' 'Next time you'll get the real showstopper.
' That's not your belt.
No.
It's a clever replica of The Joker's utility belt.
He must've slipped it on me during the struggle.
Then when you thought you were stopping him with your utility belt, he was really stopping us with his! That tricky devil! He's hit us below the belt! Golly.
What do you suppose little Harold's going to think now? "Crime wave grows!" "Police powerless!" "Batman and Robin foiled again!" "The Joker is wild!" 'All the same.
' "The Joker is wild!" "Batman and Robin foiled again!" Holy headlines! We look like page one dumbbells! Too true, Robin, the responsibility of the press is to report the truth despite what it might do to our image.
Our main concern is to a frightened public whom we seem to be failing.
Gosh, you're right.
I can't help thinking of only myself.
I'm sorry.
Well, it's okay, chum, we all have the right to be selfish sometimes.
- Nothing? - Not so far.
But we do know that giggling thief's about to pounce again.
What was it that he said in the warehouse? "Next time you'll get the real showstopper.
" Exactly! Showstopper.
Show.
Another telecast.
I think you're off the beam, Robin.
The Joker's too shrewd a customer to hurl such an obvious clue.
Of course.
But I can't help thinking he slipped up somewhere.
Perhaps he's about to.
- What do you mean? - Look at it this way, Robin.
He's terrorized Gotham City he's baffled the police department and he's held us up to public ridicule.
- True.
- Gloating on his own success.
He may be planning some super crime and stumble on his own pride.
How do we go about stopping him? Just go about our normal routine.
.
and let the venomous viper trap himself.
And when he does.
.
Snap! - Caught in a Bat-trap! - Right.
What is it, chum? Oh, the the launch tomorrow.
What about it? I dread facing all those people.
We can't disappoint Commissioner Gordon and we have to make an appearance to snare that devil.
I see what you mean.
I just wish I knew what The Joker is plotting right now! A scheme to trap that grinning devil.
Meantime let's get back to the utility belt he planted.
Everything's set.
The plan is perfect.
Jeez, it'll be like a dream come true.
Cruising the world in our own private luxury ocean yacht.
Are you sure Batman won't get in our way? That's right, Joker, we may got him down but we ain't got him out.
You fools! Have little faith.
I swear by every fiend of felonious fundom tomorrow all opposition from the Dynamic Duo will stop! I've got the stopper right here.
The last stopper.
- What is it, Joker? - It's just a cork.
A cork, yes.
But not just a cork.
Queenie, get me the bottle of champagne.
How are you gonna stop Batman with that? You gonna get him drunk? Here, Queenie, you know what to do with this now.
Tomorrow night, champagne for everybody! What's this? Batman and Robin done in by a bottle of champagne? Impossible! I don't know what could be keeping Bruce Wayne but we just can't hold this up any longer.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present the two people who will christen the S.
S.
Gotham.
They hardly need an introduction.
Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.
What are you two guys doing out here when The Joker is out there taking over the city? Uh, sorry about that, Batman.
Forget about it.
Let's get on with the christening, shall we? Okay.
Who, uh, who's got the champagne? - Here you are, commissioner.
- Well, thank you, my dear.
The best French champagne.
There you are.
A very good year.
Somethingsomething wrong, Batman? No, no, it's nothing at all.
II just feel a slight headache coming on.
Perhaps one of these tablets.
.
You better take one too, Robin, it might be contagious.
Well, gee, Batman, I never heard of a headache being-- Doctor's orders, chum.
Let me get this out of your way.
I hereby christen the S.
S.
Gotham City.
Queenie, the switch.
You're on the air, Joker.
Good-day.
Good-day.
Once more we interrupt your regularly scheduled program.
This is The Joker speaking from his secret hideout.
I have an amusing message for the directors of the Gotham Steamship Lines.
My terms, deliver me title to the S.
S.
Gotham or else.
.
or else this whimsical scene once part of a waxwork museum will be reenacted in front your eyes with the most hideous reality.
You understand, dear fellow citizens of Gotham City? I get the S.
S.
Gotham or your precious Dynamic Duo gets launchedto eternity! Wrong, Joker! You get launched! Right back to the pen where you belong! Egads! What sorcery is this? There was enough paralyzing gas in that cork to keep ordinary men unconscious for hours.
No sorcery.
Merely the precaution of a universal drug antidote pill.
You've tripped on one of your tricks this time, Joker! That replica of your utility belt was too exact.
We analyzed the cork in it and foundparalyzing gas! I just happened to notice the seal around the cork in that bottle of champagne was not discolored with age.
Odd in a 1949 vintage.
It's back to prison walls for you, Joker.
Ba-a-a! I'm afraid you're under arrest, ma'am.
Couldn't we talk it over, handsome? Poor deluded child.
'So with The Joker's capture' 'Gotham City's worst crime wave in history has come to an end.
' Tonight, once more, we can all sleep peacefully in our beds secure in the knowledge that, as I assured my small son Harold just eight years old, "Yes, Harold," I said.
"There is a Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.
" 'After a word from our sponsor' 'Fred will return with more news of The Joker.
' It's time for your piano lesson, Dick.
Aw, gee, Aunt Harriet, I wanna hear about The Joker.
The Joker? Bruce Wayne, I'm surprised at you.
Allowing a boy Dick's age to listen to such sordid goings on.
Now you march yourself straight over to that piano, young man.
Golly G-minor, Bruce, do I have to? Who am I to oppose your Aunt Harriet? I doubt whether even Batman would wanna take that job on.
I'll get you some milk and cookies, Master Dick.
Thanks a lot, Alfred.
I can always count on you.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na-na na-na na-na na-na na Batman
The Joker threw a curve.
.
and sprung himself.
Then a statue in the Comedians' Hall of Fame.
.
turned into the real thing.
Fabulous jewel collection.
.
saved by Batman and Robin.
Or was it? Batman used his head.
Were they doomed? A trick left.
Bat-gas.
But The Joker had a utility belt too.
He clowned around.
.
and was unmasked.
It was a gas.
No, only sneezing powder.
Gesundheit.
The Dynamic Duo was helpless.
The Joker decided to unmask them.
The worst is yet to come.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na Batman And now, my anonymous nemesis let's see who you are behind that mask of yours.
Oho! A twist! Fight water with fire.
The Joker, he's getting away! I'll get him.
You're trapped, Joker.
As a duly deputized agent of the lawI order you to surrender.
As the Clown Prince of Crime, I decline.
I hope this doesn't depress you.
It's time for you to sing a different tune my crooked clown.
Songs are for parties, my caped copper.
And so is confetti.
So why don't you join the fun? I'm sorry you can't join me, my helpless hero but I see you're tied up with other things.
Batman! Batman! Holy serpentine! What happened? This timeThe Joker gave the party.
Next time we'll hand out the door prizes.
Have Batman and Boy Wonder finally met their match? Will The Joker's utility belt prove their ultimate undoing? These are the questions all Gotham City is asking itself tonight.
Have Batman and Boy Wonder finally met their match? Will The Joker's utility belt prove their ultimate undoing? In a filmed interview at his office today 'Police Commissioner Gordon had answers to these questions.
' 'Commissioner Gordon, have Batman and Boy Wonder' finally met their match? Well, let me say this, Fred, II'd hate to think so.
Do you think The Joker's utility belt will prove their ultimate undoing? Heaven help us all if it does.
Uh, amen.
'Thus Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara' echo the sentiments of all Gotham City.
For even as that interview is being filmed criminals of every kind emboldened by the Dynamic Duo's seeming impotence 'were combining to create a crime wave' 'the likes of which Gotham City has seldom seen.
' In this hour of peril and need perhaps all our prayers are best summed up by my small son Harold, just eight years old.
Kneeling beside his little bed hands clasped reverently before him he said, "God bless mommy.
"God bless daddy.
God bless my dog Spot.
"And please, Batman, whoever you are behind that mask of yours please save us.
" Turn it off, Alfred.
Wait a minute.
'Hold that camera still.
' How do you focus this thing? No hard feelings, Freddie.
Places, everyone.
Ha ha ha.
- Let's race to the studio.
- No time for that now.
Look.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to "What's My Crime.
" It seems that your inept Dynamic Duo is having a little difficulty in figuring out 'just what my next crime will be.
' So I thought it only fair, under the circumstances to give them a little hint.
Ha ha ha.
Are you listening out there, Fatman and Boy Blunder? Ha ha.
Boy! How I'd like to top him with a punch line.
Quiet.
Listen.
His insane conceit may betray him.
Are your masks in place, panel? - 'Oh, yes.
' - Very well then.
Let the game commence.
Does this crime involve an article of clothing? Right! Like a belt maybe? Astonishing! Right again.
It involves a belt, but there's going to be a switch.
- A switch.
- An electric switch? Wrong, panel! A switch, but not electric.
As you doubtless know, every wrong answer means that we contribute one dollar 'to the famous Joker's Home For Worn Out Bats.
' - Ha ha ha.
- Hey, Joker.
Cop cars on the street.
Let's chase it.
Fatman and Boy Blunder.
.
are your blindfolds in place? Very well then, ask yourselves what is wrong with this sentence? He who laughs last, laughs good.
Holy grammar! Is that all? He who laughs last, laughs best, not good.
Best.
Best! Best! Do you suppose blindfold might have something to do with it? Uh, if I may venture an opinion, sir I think Master Dick may have put his finger on it.
- Blindfold? - Uh, no, sir.
Grammar.
The sentence was grammatically incorrect.
One does not laugh good, sir.
One laughs well.
Why, that's it, Alfred.
Laughs well.
Laughwell.
- Professor James J.
Laughwell.
- Holy safari! The one that just got back from Africa with a collection of rare masks and objects of art.
That's where the blindfold part would come in, sir.
And they're being stored at the Last Longer Warehouse.
To the Batmobile.
We'll use the Bat-rope and take them by surprise.
Stand clear.
No matter what, we mustn't fail this time, Robin.
Sometimes I think people expect too much of us, Batman.
They have a right to expect it.
But we're only human.
All too true.
We only have so much to give.
Try to explain that to little Harold kneeling beside his bed saying his prayers.
Stand and fight, Joker.
Let us away! Let us away! Holy Fourth of July! What's this? 'This was just the curtain-raiser.
' 'Next time you'll get the real showstopper.
' That's not your belt.
No.
It's a clever replica of The Joker's utility belt.
He must've slipped it on me during the struggle.
Then when you thought you were stopping him with your utility belt, he was really stopping us with his! That tricky devil! He's hit us below the belt! Golly.
What do you suppose little Harold's going to think now? "Crime wave grows!" "Police powerless!" "Batman and Robin foiled again!" "The Joker is wild!" 'All the same.
' "The Joker is wild!" "Batman and Robin foiled again!" Holy headlines! We look like page one dumbbells! Too true, Robin, the responsibility of the press is to report the truth despite what it might do to our image.
Our main concern is to a frightened public whom we seem to be failing.
Gosh, you're right.
I can't help thinking of only myself.
I'm sorry.
Well, it's okay, chum, we all have the right to be selfish sometimes.
- Nothing? - Not so far.
But we do know that giggling thief's about to pounce again.
What was it that he said in the warehouse? "Next time you'll get the real showstopper.
" Exactly! Showstopper.
Show.
Another telecast.
I think you're off the beam, Robin.
The Joker's too shrewd a customer to hurl such an obvious clue.
Of course.
But I can't help thinking he slipped up somewhere.
Perhaps he's about to.
- What do you mean? - Look at it this way, Robin.
He's terrorized Gotham City he's baffled the police department and he's held us up to public ridicule.
- True.
- Gloating on his own success.
He may be planning some super crime and stumble on his own pride.
How do we go about stopping him? Just go about our normal routine.
.
and let the venomous viper trap himself.
And when he does.
.
Snap! - Caught in a Bat-trap! - Right.
What is it, chum? Oh, the the launch tomorrow.
What about it? I dread facing all those people.
We can't disappoint Commissioner Gordon and we have to make an appearance to snare that devil.
I see what you mean.
I just wish I knew what The Joker is plotting right now! A scheme to trap that grinning devil.
Meantime let's get back to the utility belt he planted.
Everything's set.
The plan is perfect.
Jeez, it'll be like a dream come true.
Cruising the world in our own private luxury ocean yacht.
Are you sure Batman won't get in our way? That's right, Joker, we may got him down but we ain't got him out.
You fools! Have little faith.
I swear by every fiend of felonious fundom tomorrow all opposition from the Dynamic Duo will stop! I've got the stopper right here.
The last stopper.
- What is it, Joker? - It's just a cork.
A cork, yes.
But not just a cork.
Queenie, get me the bottle of champagne.
How are you gonna stop Batman with that? You gonna get him drunk? Here, Queenie, you know what to do with this now.
Tomorrow night, champagne for everybody! What's this? Batman and Robin done in by a bottle of champagne? Impossible! I don't know what could be keeping Bruce Wayne but we just can't hold this up any longer.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present the two people who will christen the S.
S.
Gotham.
They hardly need an introduction.
Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.
What are you two guys doing out here when The Joker is out there taking over the city? Uh, sorry about that, Batman.
Forget about it.
Let's get on with the christening, shall we? Okay.
Who, uh, who's got the champagne? - Here you are, commissioner.
- Well, thank you, my dear.
The best French champagne.
There you are.
A very good year.
Somethingsomething wrong, Batman? No, no, it's nothing at all.
II just feel a slight headache coming on.
Perhaps one of these tablets.
.
You better take one too, Robin, it might be contagious.
Well, gee, Batman, I never heard of a headache being-- Doctor's orders, chum.
Let me get this out of your way.
I hereby christen the S.
S.
Gotham City.
Queenie, the switch.
You're on the air, Joker.
Good-day.
Good-day.
Once more we interrupt your regularly scheduled program.
This is The Joker speaking from his secret hideout.
I have an amusing message for the directors of the Gotham Steamship Lines.
My terms, deliver me title to the S.
S.
Gotham or else.
.
or else this whimsical scene once part of a waxwork museum will be reenacted in front your eyes with the most hideous reality.
You understand, dear fellow citizens of Gotham City? I get the S.
S.
Gotham or your precious Dynamic Duo gets launchedto eternity! Wrong, Joker! You get launched! Right back to the pen where you belong! Egads! What sorcery is this? There was enough paralyzing gas in that cork to keep ordinary men unconscious for hours.
No sorcery.
Merely the precaution of a universal drug antidote pill.
You've tripped on one of your tricks this time, Joker! That replica of your utility belt was too exact.
We analyzed the cork in it and foundparalyzing gas! I just happened to notice the seal around the cork in that bottle of champagne was not discolored with age.
Odd in a 1949 vintage.
It's back to prison walls for you, Joker.
Ba-a-a! I'm afraid you're under arrest, ma'am.
Couldn't we talk it over, handsome? Poor deluded child.
'So with The Joker's capture' 'Gotham City's worst crime wave in history has come to an end.
' Tonight, once more, we can all sleep peacefully in our beds secure in the knowledge that, as I assured my small son Harold just eight years old, "Yes, Harold," I said.
"There is a Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.
" 'After a word from our sponsor' 'Fred will return with more news of The Joker.
' It's time for your piano lesson, Dick.
Aw, gee, Aunt Harriet, I wanna hear about The Joker.
The Joker? Bruce Wayne, I'm surprised at you.
Allowing a boy Dick's age to listen to such sordid goings on.
Now you march yourself straight over to that piano, young man.
Golly G-minor, Bruce, do I have to? Who am I to oppose your Aunt Harriet? I doubt whether even Batman would wanna take that job on.
I'll get you some milk and cookies, Master Dick.
Thanks a lot, Alfred.
I can always count on you.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na-na na-na na-na na-na na Batman